http://maintenanced.livejournal.com/ (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
maintenanced.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
tampered2006-10-15 03:59 pm
maintenanced.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2006-10-15 03:59 pm
Log:Complete
When; ... uh... erm, well... curse grab bag. Forgive us me; it was my fault entirely. Stressful schedule, college, et cetera.
Rating; PG for brief exploding arms and philosophical babbling.
Characters; Ziggy (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
maintenanced) and Albedo (theinfinite_667)
Summary;
I can't believe we actually wrote this.
Log;
He turned a stick over and over in his hands, finally laying it aside and drawing a few lines in the dirt with his finger. He didn't want to look around. He was tired of looking around. This place... wherever he was now, it looked so much like home. Any minute now, the gardener would come with his hose, and Albedo would flee to the other side of the trees and shrubs and out the second gate before anyone could see. He came here a lot back home. Rubedo and Nigredo never knew about it, but he wanted it that way. They would just make fun of him for wanting to be alone when he thought about it all. They didn't understand. They never would. Why he had asked Rubedo to come here, into something so close to his sacred place, he didn't know... maybe it was some inner need to tell his brother what was running through his mind more and more now.
He scratched at the grass, pulling up a chunk of soil and pushing it aside. Glancing to the left, he found a stone resting near his foot and picked it up. With it, he dug at a slow pace, scratching a long and shallow rut into the earth. The motion that had first left his arms sore and weak was now second nature; even when he wasn't digging in the garden, sometimes he ran his hand back and forth in a line, across his chair or the floor when he was thinking. His father called it a nervous habit; his brothers asked him weird questions about it that he shrugged off. He knew what it was. They didn't need to.
I wish I could say something... but I've said everything, right? And he just doesn't get it...
__
Consumed by his own thoughts and his methodical task, the white-haired boy did not seem to notice the heavy, thudding sound of approaching footsteps.
Ziggy had decided, after the past few days of chaos, to check briefly on the ES Zebulun before retiring for maintenance. First a swarm of strangers who had left as abruptly as they'd come, then the increased frequency of the carousel's countdown, and then the rampant kidnappings... now, more than ever, he felt as if he had to be on his guard. And then there was, of course, Albedo -- ironically, Ziggy thought to himself, Albedo seemed to be the least of their worries at the moment. But still he remained wary -- MOMO's welfare was of foremost importance to him, and Albedo was known to be deceptively quiet at times.
He made his way at an even pace into the gardens. There, stationed in a small clearing, was the ES Zebulun, bathed eerily in moonlight, and fully intact. But it was with some alarm that Ziggy noticed a much more imposing ES, silhouetted nearby, in another clearing -- one with a familiar shape. There was no doubt -- it was the ES Simeon, Albedo's craft. Ziggy tensed, and peered at the hulking shape with some concern.
Of course, the ES had to be docked somewhere -- it wasn't necessarily an indication that Albedo was nearby -- but it would still be worthwhile to investigate.
He spotted the boy as soon as he had walked to the base of the ES. His hair was snow-white and somewhat disheveled. His lips trembled slightly as he dug into the ground with obsessive concentration. His fingers were stained with earth. It took two seconds to recognize the scene -- tragically misplaced as it was, Ziggy had seen this occurrence before, in an Encephalon dive... in an echo of Albedo's subconscious.
So he had been ensnared by one of the City's curses. At least it meant that he was relatively harmless in his current state. Ziggy prepared to dismiss the situation and return to the apartments, and was in the middle of turning to leave, when something gave him pause.
He listened, for a few moments, to the scratching -- of Albedo digging into the ground.
Then, with equal decisiveness, Ziggy turned and stepped out into the clearing.
__
The thoughts parted like a fog for just a moment, a few rays of distraction shining through them and bringing the world around him back to his attention. Far behind the all-encompassing cloud, a sound echoed in his mind -- heavy thumps, like something striking the ground. If it was something frightening, he didn't want to see it, and if it were a person, he didn't want them to see him, so he simply ducked his head, hunched forward as if to curl into a ball, and continued to scratch at the ground with the rock. His vision grew a little blurry, and he silently cursed himself over and over for doing what he said he wouldn't. He had not done this enough. Every time, he thought that he would be strong, that this would be the last time he needed to see it.
I said I wouldn't cry... He bent his head and brushed his closed eyes against his sleeve, then resumed his mechanical task.
__
No reaction. Ziggy watched, his expression calm and placid, as Albedo continued to work, though he had drawn up almost into a fetal position, as if blocking out the outside world.
Ziggy felt neither hatred nor pity. This child was someone different from the Albedo who had menaced him before -- the man who had violated MOMO and would stop at nothing to fulfill his maniacal goal. This was a child who, from what he'd learned, had suffered greatly.
Perhaps he owed it to himself to try and understand him.
He took a few steps, and knelt down next to where the small, fragile child was clawing through the dirt with a stone. Still no reaction. In an even tone, he addressed him.
"... Albedo."
__
Albedo jumped, eyes wide, but didn't succeed in standing; instead, he uncoiled like a spring and ended up facing Ziggy with legs sprawled out and scooting him back as fast as they could move, the stone still clutched in his hand. He backed into a tree and froze when he realized he couldn't move any farther from this towering amalgam of metal and flesh; too afraid to stand, he only managed a few shaky words.
"I-I'm sorry," he paused to take an unsteady breath, "I didn't k-know this was your garden..."
__
Albedo's terrified outburst only elicited a slight raise of Ziggy's eyebrows, but he still stood and waved a hand dismissively. In what he hoped was a semblance of a vaguely reassuring tone, he spoke.
"I'm afraid you're mistaken. These gardens are public property. I was merely concerned whether..." he paused, wondering how to treat the subject. "... whether you were all right."
__
"Uh, I'm okay." He breathed through his mouth so he wouldn't sniffle. Strangers didn't need to know anything. People didn't like it when anyone else cried. Even his brothers didn't take him seriously anymore. Relieved that at least he wasn't about to be dragged away and thrown out of the garden, he lurched over the hole and frantically began sweeping soil back into it.
__
"There's no need for that."
His words were a little sharp, but they were necessary. He continued more calmly --
"I didn't mean to disturb you. If you'd like, I'll leave. But it's not safe to stay here at night." Sensing that he was probably intruding on a delicate matter, Ziggy took a few steps back, giving Albedo adequate space.
"Is -- Rubedo coming to get you?" He substituted the only name he knew Albedo would recognize, though he'd never referred to Jr. as such. Indeed, Jr. probably knew of Albedo's condition -- but looking after Sakura Mizrahi and attending to other matters took up most of his time. He'd probably been held up. Though Ziggy knew that the matter was none of his concern, and better left for Jr. to deal with -- Albedo's condition was unstable, and some vague yet very powerful instinct prevented Ziggy from abandoning the boy.
__
Albedo froze for a moment, then backed away from the hole and sat still again. He didn't look at Ziggy but instead stared down at his hands, lips pressed together, fingers rubbing bits of dirt onto his pants. "You know my brother?" Then, on a second thought, he answered the question. "Yeah, he's coming."
__
He gave a slight nod at this response.
"Very well."
If Jr. had promised to come, then he would not take very long -- unless something particularly weighty had happened. The question was, then, whether he should stay with Albedo until Jr. arrived, or leave him and return to the apartment. The latter option didn't seem prudent... until Ziggy recalled that Albedo was virtually indestructible. Not even the dangers of the City would do much to damage him. So, then, why this nagging urge to stay?
Ziggy cast his eyes downwards at the half-filled hole in the ground, and a thought occurred to him. Though he knew the answer, he still posed the question.
"Why were you digging?"
__
His mouth opened a little, but nothing came out save for the breath he had just taken. Why... am I... "Uh...I ..." What was he supposed to say? The truth? What would that do? "I... uh, it's...it's for my... my... uh, my mouse. It just... just died. I... have it in a box. In my room." He was a terrible liar and he knew it, but no one was going to think of the real reason anyway. This man knew Rubedo and would probably tell him. Rubedo couldn't know. Ever.
__
"I... see. I'm... sorry. About your mouse."
He offered the comment up as a consolation, not for the mouse (which, all too obviously, did not exist) but for Albedo's desire to keep his real reason private. It would probably be more healthy for the boy to confess, but, after all, any emotional progress he made would be nullified the next day -- there wasn't really a point.
For the moment, Ziggy remained silent and watched to see whether Albedo would resume digging, or continue edging away.
__
“What do you care?" He carefully drew his legs beneath him and stood, one hand on the rough bark beside him, still leaning back as if to bolt at any second. "No one does. You're just saying that. Like Rubedo." He turned away from Ziggy and faced the tree.
__
Ziggy observed the small boy slowly and begrudgingly recoil away from him. He raised his eyebrows slightly and spoke.
“Your brother cares for you very much.” He paused, and decided to elaborate. “He's not one to stifle his emotions.”
And it wasn't a comforting lie, either – Jr. did care strongly for Albedo, despite it all. He doubted that bond would ever weaken, no matter how far Albedo went.
__
"It doesn't matter if he cares or not." He stared down at the ground, one hand rising to his face. He diverted it from his eye to his brow, rubbing at some invisible spot there, actually putting on dirt by accident rather than rubbing it away. Rubedo's going to leave me alone, so it doesn't matter... His eyes migrated from his feet to the half-covered hole.
__
Ziggy caught the shift in his gaze and interpreted it just as quickly.
“Why is that?”
__
"Because nothing's going to matter after a while. You're not going to matter, either. No one is." He scrubbed the tip of one foot in the leaves.
__
Pensively, Ziggy looked away from Albedo. He took a few additional steps away from him, then stopped and looked back over his shoulder.
“You are correct. In the grand scheme of things, nothing will endure. Any meaning or organization we introduce into our lives will eventually be lost – and all that we live for will fade away.” He crossed his arms and continued. “But that is why we must make the best of what little we have – while we still have it. If we exist in constant fear of the future, we cannot value the present.”
__
"You wouldn't understand. You won't have a present one day." He glanced up, his face in profile from Ziggy's angle, one misty violet eye staring up at the cyborg. His voice dropped to a faint whisper. "It's... different... for me. You don't get it."
__
It was true, Ziggy mused to himself, that he would never be able to fully sympathize with the boy. Their situations were vaguely similar, but Albedo had been drenched in immortality to a godlike extent – and even though it was physically possible for him to die under very strict circumstances, he, as an adult, had lost any means to regain happiness. In that sense, they were different. Ziggy had the ability to rebuild his life, to pick up the pieces – thanks, for the most part, to MOMO – but Albedo could never return to the relatively happy, somewhat normal days of his childhood.
“Perhaps I don't get it,” Ziggy replied. He decided to continue feigning ignorance. “But I can understand that it would be different for someone who was forced to continue living after all of their loved ones had gone.” He looked to Albedo and returned his accusatory violet gaze with his own calm, steel-blue eyes.
“Is that what you mean?”
__
How did he guess so quickly? Maybe he worked with the Institute, or somehow he had been told. Maybe Rubedo had told him. He didn't want Rubedo's pity, but at the same time, he wanted his brother to understand...
"...Yeah. They're... all going to die one day and leave me behind." He sat on a root and folded his arms across his knees, resting his head on his forearms. "Rubedo promised... he said he wouldn't... but then he told me that it was only me... I have to watch him... watch him die one day. I wish..." he would take me with him somehow... He shook his head as if throwing the thought out of his mind.
__
Ziggy nodded. Under his breath, he murmured to himself.
“The one who is left behind must bear the burden of memory... if you are isolated, cut off from your past life, then you can only spend your days regretting mistakes that you can no longer fix...”
Wasn't that once true of him? Except that he'd taken it to the next level. The misery of knowing that he'd not only failed to save those he loved, but that he'd also failed to follow them into oblivion, haunted him so intensely that he'd disassociated himself from everything – the sad memories as well as the happy ones.
Had Albedo done the same, once he realized that his future would only hold eternal loneliness? That forced isolation – could that have bred the seemingly inhuman evil which followed? Ziggy suddenly felt a strange, acute sense of worry. What would have happened to him, had things been different? If he hadn't met MOMO...?
With conviction, he addressed Albedo again.
“But that's not the only way to live. The inevitable is painful – and those who remain, abandoned, have the tendency to live, selfishly, only for themselves.” He gestured with one hand.
“But Rubedo is still alive. If you let yourself be happy now, then, one day, you won't find yourself wishing that you'd spent more time with him, or that you'd done more to make him happy, in turn.” He added an afterthought -- “... and perhaps you'll find an end to your suffering, when your time comes.”
__
His eyes grew wide, and he stared up at Ziggy, his mouth slightly open. "But... it's impossible. I can do anything and nothing happens." Looking to his hand, he formed a sphere of energy in his palm, then pressed it to his opposite arm. The limb disappeared in a hissing flash, only to be replaced by a glow that swirled and stretched and reformed into a new limb, perfectly shaped and usable. "The only one that can... is one of us. But we would have to be like U-DO, somehow. The simulator. Maybe there really is a way..." His arms began to shake; in the combination of fear and sadness, he curled up again, knees tucked to his chest. He didn't want to... but if it would let him be like his brothers...
__
Ziggy had tensed when he saw Albedo forming a concentrated energy blast, but he soon realized his actual intent. He watched, expressionless, as the arm was blown clean off. There was an aroma of seared flesh, which quickly dissipated as the arm reformed. He had seen this before, as well – also in the Encephalon dive.
Slowly, and cautiously, Ziggy took a few steps towards Albedo, making sure to keep a respectful distance.
“Humans,” he said, “generally don't concern themselves with death. To be obsessed with death is to neglect the life it constitutes. What I mean is that... you shouldn't worry. Even though your situation is different, there must be a way. But trying to think of that way would be a waste of the time that you should be spending with your brother.”
__
The liquid amethyst eyes gleamed at their corners. I can't think about anything else anymore... I want to, I really do, I wish I could tell you that, but you don't understand because you can't... no one can... you don't know what it's like to know that half of who you are is going to die one day while you watch... I thought kids like me didn't think about that, but I do... maybe Rubedo will take me with him and I can stay with him because I can't think of life without him or Nigredo and my second heartbeat and knowing that we're all together and I don't have to be afraid of anything, except now I am and I always will and I don't understand why it has to happen and I wish I could do what this man is telling me to do but --
His voice wobbled as it crept into the air, barely breaking free of his racing thoughts. "I'm not human, I guess, then." He turned away entirely, his back facing Ziggy, his shoulders slumping forward in resignation. Little dark spots formed on the ground beside the crudely dug hole. Everything in his mind came to a slow, dark, complete halt, leaving behind only the silence inside and the sound of gently rustling leaves in the garden. For what seemed like a small eternity, he fell silent, then spoke up in a shaky whisper. "You're a cyborg, right? You're kind of like me, aren't you? Don't you care? Or are you lucky and you don't have anything to be afraid of..." He sniffled once, his cheeks turning red as he bowed his head in a futile attempt to keep Ziggy from seeing his face.
__
"Yes, I am like you." The words seemed strange to say, especially in such a calm tone, but Ziggy had already accepted the obvious parallels. He peered at Albedo, who was trying awkwardly to shield his face from view -- and couldn't help but look away.
The conflicting feelings made him somewhat uncomfortable -- here was a crying child, one that he sympathized with, and yet in his face there was an echo of his future self, or rather his true self... like the unopened blossom of an eventual flower. And Ziggy could feel nothing but animosity for that future identity.
"Being 'human' isn't so much a fate," he continued, "but a choice. Yes, it's true, I am no longer technically a human. According to law, I am nothing more than a piece of government equipment. I am unable to end my life. I was revived after I had made the choice to die... and for a very long time, I was sure that I would never be able to regain what I had lost." He glanced back at Albedo. "I wasn't able to protect my loved ones. If I had known, as you do, that I would be forced to outlive them, then... I would have done many things differently. I would have spent more time..."
His voice, usually so sturdy and confident, trailed off abruptly. Little shreds of memory rose to the surface -- Joaquin's laughter, his footsteps pounding on asphalt as he ran after Nex, rounding the corner, now tripping, now out of sight -- a shoe discarded, drenched in blood -- and the smell of Sharon's hair on the pillow...
"I would have simply spent more time with them," he concluded. "Instead of fearing the day when they would no longer be with me."
__
Albedo turned and stared up at him; as reluctant as he was to show his tears, the way Ziggy's voice vanished into the wind caught his mind and held it. Here was someone... who, maybe for a few seconds, maybe just a little, could understand. For the first time since he had spoken to the odd mechanical man, Albedo took a step toward him instead of away.
"They... brought you back?" Fingers shaking, he raised his hand -- the destroyed one, now the new -- and barely touched the cyborg's alloy forearm plating. Why, the boy wasn't sure... maybe it was to see if Ziggy was even real. This man had died and come back to life. He knew what it was like. And, even more shocking... he had come back against his will. He had to be some kind of illusion, a weird trick of the mind that Albedo had created just to have someone else to identify with. There had to be some other reason why the cyborg was here... but no. The steel was cold and solid and real.
A little twitch of his brows, a tiny narrowing of his eyes, and a spark something cold and furious gleamed through the fearful, immature gaze. "People don't get it. Look what they did to you, too." His voice turned from a forlorn murmur to a grating, choked whisper. "They're all so stupid sometimes. I wish they knew what it was like. Then they wouldn't say things behind my back about how I'm "unstable" and "abnormal" and whatever all that's supposed to mean. Rubedo wouldn't look at me like he does, like I'm just a whiny kid. They would know why we're so different and why they've done something bad by doing this to us... they'll know what it's like one day, somehow..."
__
Ziggy glanced down to where Albedo's trembling fingertips had met, briefly, with his artificial arm. He felt nothing -- physically, at least. Emotionally he felt something strange, simultaneously warm and familiar, yet cold, tumultuous, and repulsive.
"I don't hold it against them," he said, turning his icy gaze to the sky, which was starting to grow gray, ever so slightly. Dawn would come in a few hours. "Perhaps they will never know what they did to me, no. But I somehow doubt that teaching them what I felt would bring me much satisfaction..."
Ziggy heard traces of Albedo's -- adult Albedo's -- laughter. His sadism had roots deep in his childhood. Of course, the influence of U-DO had finally driven him over the edge, but it had only transformed a base which already existed.
Strange, how the paths of life formed and split, and dipped and fell.
"In my previous life," he continued, "I was a police officer... I had a strong sense of justice. But not all evils can be punished. Some are subjective. Others must be accepted. Otherwise, flawed justice will only spawn more suffering. I hope you will grow to understand that."
Even as he said the words he noted the pathetic futility in them. The damage was done; it had been done a thousand times over, carved into Albedo's being.
Wasn't it foolish to believe that some shred of humanity existed, buried under layers of emotional scar tissue, warped by insanity?
He looked down at the boy. It occurred to him, suddenly, that Jr. would be arriving any minute. Ziggy could foresee the complications if Jr. found them there, talking... he would need to leave, and soon.
__
"I don't know what I'll do when I get older. I don't think I'll be like you, though. You don't really care what they do to you." You're a lot stronger than me... just like everyone else. He didn't understand how this cyborg could think like he did. Retribution was the only way to overcome weakness. With that, he could prove himself, defend his brother, do anything. Give back what people gave. That was how it all worked. Maybe one day he would get them all to stop. Get the Standards to quit calling him a freak and a monster. Get them to stop picking on Rubedo. Get people to stop looking at him like he was a freak. Just be good enough and strong enough and brave enough to undo all the mistakes he had made. He swore time and time again that he wouldn't make them again, but it always happened. One day... there was, always and forever, one more day.
He turned to stare at the slowly brightening horizon, then at the two machines. One pink, the other white. He liked the white one. It was the color of his hair. "Maybe I'll see you again one day? I want to. I've never met anyone like me before. You get it all more than Rubedo does... maybe you could explain it to him sometime then, when we're all older, and maybe then he'll get it and I'll be able to talk to him... but you can't say anything yet..." He wasn't sure what he wanted, but if Rubedo understood, even if not by Albedo's own words, it would all be okay for a little while. Just a little while. The world would come rushing back at him, he knew, but... Rubedo would know. And that was good.
__
"I have a feeling I'll see you again someday," Ziggy replied, with some traces of bitterness. "But things may be different then."
Albedo's observations had given him pause. He had never felt resentment for the laws that had brought him back to life -- just cold acceptance. It wasn't as if there was anything he could do. Even killing Voyager wouldn't bring Sharon and Joaquin back to life -- though it was an execution of justice. Still, Ziggy couldn't imagine that any act of violence would heal the wounds of his past.
The most he could do, now, was make up for his previous mistakes. He would protect the people he cared for -- MOMO, Sakura, Jr... even though he could feel the looming fear of loss, the self-doubt, the apathy which had formerly prevented him from forming any emotional attachments whatsoever.
What had he overcome? And how had he done it? And, more importantly, exactly where had he succeeded where Albedo had failed? Or perhaps it was not so simple. Was it just insanity that had transformed him, or could he still be saved?
"I have a feeling," Ziggy concluded, "that Rubedo will understand you, someday." He turned to leave, but looked back at Albedo one last time.
"Take comfort in that."
There was more still unsaid, but the exercise in futility had gone on long enough, and Ziggy knew he was intruding on something not meant for him. It was Jr's responsibility to come to terms with Albedo, and there was little he could do. Even if he did speak to Jr. in an attempt to explain -- he would only be making the situation worse.
So he walked away, leaving Albedo and his unfinished graves, to return to the apartment. MOMO might have worried -- and she was his responsibility now, though Albedo's fretful eyes seemed to trick him, somehow, into thinking that he also needed to be protected.
__
The edge in his voice took Albedo by surprise; the boy jerked back as if Ziggy had just slapped him. Only when the cyborg spoke again did he manage to recover himself, eyes still wide and fearful. Just as the first rays of the still-invisible sun began to peek over the horizon -- Rubedo only had an hour or two now; where was he? -- Ziggy turned and began to walk.
Don't... leave...? Albedo wrapped his arms about himself and leaned against the tree, watching as if from behind a pane of glass or a wall. But he said nothing, and Ziggy vanished into the garden's trees, first a glint of metal, then the sound of distant footsteps, then nothing.
He wasn't sure why, but the sunlight edged something into his mind that he had never heard before, something from outside, something alien. His blood turned to ice for only a moment; all his fear and pain fled and hid themselves behind the numbness, still present and aching but latent; he watched the world, in that brief snapshot of time, from strange, uncaring eyes. The light of the sun... something about the sun... something about the time? Only two hours until dawn. Two hours until a new day. Two hours until... until what?
A voice rushed through his mind...
Mirror, mirror, on the wall... show me, define me...
... and was gone as soon as it came.
Rating; PG for brief exploding arms and philosophical babbling.
Characters; Ziggy (
maintenanced) and Albedo (theinfinite_667)Summary;
I can't believe we actually wrote this.
Log;
He turned a stick over and over in his hands, finally laying it aside and drawing a few lines in the dirt with his finger. He didn't want to look around. He was tired of looking around. This place... wherever he was now, it looked so much like home. Any minute now, the gardener would come with his hose, and Albedo would flee to the other side of the trees and shrubs and out the second gate before anyone could see. He came here a lot back home. Rubedo and Nigredo never knew about it, but he wanted it that way. They would just make fun of him for wanting to be alone when he thought about it all. They didn't understand. They never would. Why he had asked Rubedo to come here, into something so close to his sacred place, he didn't know... maybe it was some inner need to tell his brother what was running through his mind more and more now.
He scratched at the grass, pulling up a chunk of soil and pushing it aside. Glancing to the left, he found a stone resting near his foot and picked it up. With it, he dug at a slow pace, scratching a long and shallow rut into the earth. The motion that had first left his arms sore and weak was now second nature; even when he wasn't digging in the garden, sometimes he ran his hand back and forth in a line, across his chair or the floor when he was thinking. His father called it a nervous habit; his brothers asked him weird questions about it that he shrugged off. He knew what it was. They didn't need to.
I wish I could say something... but I've said everything, right? And he just doesn't get it...
__
Consumed by his own thoughts and his methodical task, the white-haired boy did not seem to notice the heavy, thudding sound of approaching footsteps.
Ziggy had decided, after the past few days of chaos, to check briefly on the ES Zebulun before retiring for maintenance. First a swarm of strangers who had left as abruptly as they'd come, then the increased frequency of the carousel's countdown, and then the rampant kidnappings... now, more than ever, he felt as if he had to be on his guard. And then there was, of course, Albedo -- ironically, Ziggy thought to himself, Albedo seemed to be the least of their worries at the moment. But still he remained wary -- MOMO's welfare was of foremost importance to him, and Albedo was known to be deceptively quiet at times.
He made his way at an even pace into the gardens. There, stationed in a small clearing, was the ES Zebulun, bathed eerily in moonlight, and fully intact. But it was with some alarm that Ziggy noticed a much more imposing ES, silhouetted nearby, in another clearing -- one with a familiar shape. There was no doubt -- it was the ES Simeon, Albedo's craft. Ziggy tensed, and peered at the hulking shape with some concern.
Of course, the ES had to be docked somewhere -- it wasn't necessarily an indication that Albedo was nearby -- but it would still be worthwhile to investigate.
He spotted the boy as soon as he had walked to the base of the ES. His hair was snow-white and somewhat disheveled. His lips trembled slightly as he dug into the ground with obsessive concentration. His fingers were stained with earth. It took two seconds to recognize the scene -- tragically misplaced as it was, Ziggy had seen this occurrence before, in an Encephalon dive... in an echo of Albedo's subconscious.
So he had been ensnared by one of the City's curses. At least it meant that he was relatively harmless in his current state. Ziggy prepared to dismiss the situation and return to the apartments, and was in the middle of turning to leave, when something gave him pause.
He listened, for a few moments, to the scratching -- of Albedo digging into the ground.
Then, with equal decisiveness, Ziggy turned and stepped out into the clearing.
__
The thoughts parted like a fog for just a moment, a few rays of distraction shining through them and bringing the world around him back to his attention. Far behind the all-encompassing cloud, a sound echoed in his mind -- heavy thumps, like something striking the ground. If it was something frightening, he didn't want to see it, and if it were a person, he didn't want them to see him, so he simply ducked his head, hunched forward as if to curl into a ball, and continued to scratch at the ground with the rock. His vision grew a little blurry, and he silently cursed himself over and over for doing what he said he wouldn't. He had not done this enough. Every time, he thought that he would be strong, that this would be the last time he needed to see it.
I said I wouldn't cry... He bent his head and brushed his closed eyes against his sleeve, then resumed his mechanical task.
__
No reaction. Ziggy watched, his expression calm and placid, as Albedo continued to work, though he had drawn up almost into a fetal position, as if blocking out the outside world.
Ziggy felt neither hatred nor pity. This child was someone different from the Albedo who had menaced him before -- the man who had violated MOMO and would stop at nothing to fulfill his maniacal goal. This was a child who, from what he'd learned, had suffered greatly.
Perhaps he owed it to himself to try and understand him.
He took a few steps, and knelt down next to where the small, fragile child was clawing through the dirt with a stone. Still no reaction. In an even tone, he addressed him.
"... Albedo."
__
Albedo jumped, eyes wide, but didn't succeed in standing; instead, he uncoiled like a spring and ended up facing Ziggy with legs sprawled out and scooting him back as fast as they could move, the stone still clutched in his hand. He backed into a tree and froze when he realized he couldn't move any farther from this towering amalgam of metal and flesh; too afraid to stand, he only managed a few shaky words.
"I-I'm sorry," he paused to take an unsteady breath, "I didn't k-know this was your garden..."
__
Albedo's terrified outburst only elicited a slight raise of Ziggy's eyebrows, but he still stood and waved a hand dismissively. In what he hoped was a semblance of a vaguely reassuring tone, he spoke.
"I'm afraid you're mistaken. These gardens are public property. I was merely concerned whether..." he paused, wondering how to treat the subject. "... whether you were all right."
__
"Uh, I'm okay." He breathed through his mouth so he wouldn't sniffle. Strangers didn't need to know anything. People didn't like it when anyone else cried. Even his brothers didn't take him seriously anymore. Relieved that at least he wasn't about to be dragged away and thrown out of the garden, he lurched over the hole and frantically began sweeping soil back into it.
__
"There's no need for that."
His words were a little sharp, but they were necessary. He continued more calmly --
"I didn't mean to disturb you. If you'd like, I'll leave. But it's not safe to stay here at night." Sensing that he was probably intruding on a delicate matter, Ziggy took a few steps back, giving Albedo adequate space.
"Is -- Rubedo coming to get you?" He substituted the only name he knew Albedo would recognize, though he'd never referred to Jr. as such. Indeed, Jr. probably knew of Albedo's condition -- but looking after Sakura Mizrahi and attending to other matters took up most of his time. He'd probably been held up. Though Ziggy knew that the matter was none of his concern, and better left for Jr. to deal with -- Albedo's condition was unstable, and some vague yet very powerful instinct prevented Ziggy from abandoning the boy.
__
Albedo froze for a moment, then backed away from the hole and sat still again. He didn't look at Ziggy but instead stared down at his hands, lips pressed together, fingers rubbing bits of dirt onto his pants. "You know my brother?" Then, on a second thought, he answered the question. "Yeah, he's coming."
__
He gave a slight nod at this response.
"Very well."
If Jr. had promised to come, then he would not take very long -- unless something particularly weighty had happened. The question was, then, whether he should stay with Albedo until Jr. arrived, or leave him and return to the apartment. The latter option didn't seem prudent... until Ziggy recalled that Albedo was virtually indestructible. Not even the dangers of the City would do much to damage him. So, then, why this nagging urge to stay?
Ziggy cast his eyes downwards at the half-filled hole in the ground, and a thought occurred to him. Though he knew the answer, he still posed the question.
"Why were you digging?"
__
His mouth opened a little, but nothing came out save for the breath he had just taken. Why... am I... "Uh...I ..." What was he supposed to say? The truth? What would that do? "I... uh, it's...it's for my... my... uh, my mouse. It just... just died. I... have it in a box. In my room." He was a terrible liar and he knew it, but no one was going to think of the real reason anyway. This man knew Rubedo and would probably tell him. Rubedo couldn't know. Ever.
__
"I... see. I'm... sorry. About your mouse."
He offered the comment up as a consolation, not for the mouse (which, all too obviously, did not exist) but for Albedo's desire to keep his real reason private. It would probably be more healthy for the boy to confess, but, after all, any emotional progress he made would be nullified the next day -- there wasn't really a point.
For the moment, Ziggy remained silent and watched to see whether Albedo would resume digging, or continue edging away.
__
“What do you care?" He carefully drew his legs beneath him and stood, one hand on the rough bark beside him, still leaning back as if to bolt at any second. "No one does. You're just saying that. Like Rubedo." He turned away from Ziggy and faced the tree.
__
Ziggy observed the small boy slowly and begrudgingly recoil away from him. He raised his eyebrows slightly and spoke.
“Your brother cares for you very much.” He paused, and decided to elaborate. “He's not one to stifle his emotions.”
And it wasn't a comforting lie, either – Jr. did care strongly for Albedo, despite it all. He doubted that bond would ever weaken, no matter how far Albedo went.
__
"It doesn't matter if he cares or not." He stared down at the ground, one hand rising to his face. He diverted it from his eye to his brow, rubbing at some invisible spot there, actually putting on dirt by accident rather than rubbing it away. Rubedo's going to leave me alone, so it doesn't matter... His eyes migrated from his feet to the half-covered hole.
__
Ziggy caught the shift in his gaze and interpreted it just as quickly.
“Why is that?”
__
"Because nothing's going to matter after a while. You're not going to matter, either. No one is." He scrubbed the tip of one foot in the leaves.
__
Pensively, Ziggy looked away from Albedo. He took a few additional steps away from him, then stopped and looked back over his shoulder.
“You are correct. In the grand scheme of things, nothing will endure. Any meaning or organization we introduce into our lives will eventually be lost – and all that we live for will fade away.” He crossed his arms and continued. “But that is why we must make the best of what little we have – while we still have it. If we exist in constant fear of the future, we cannot value the present.”
__
"You wouldn't understand. You won't have a present one day." He glanced up, his face in profile from Ziggy's angle, one misty violet eye staring up at the cyborg. His voice dropped to a faint whisper. "It's... different... for me. You don't get it."
__
It was true, Ziggy mused to himself, that he would never be able to fully sympathize with the boy. Their situations were vaguely similar, but Albedo had been drenched in immortality to a godlike extent – and even though it was physically possible for him to die under very strict circumstances, he, as an adult, had lost any means to regain happiness. In that sense, they were different. Ziggy had the ability to rebuild his life, to pick up the pieces – thanks, for the most part, to MOMO – but Albedo could never return to the relatively happy, somewhat normal days of his childhood.
“Perhaps I don't get it,” Ziggy replied. He decided to continue feigning ignorance. “But I can understand that it would be different for someone who was forced to continue living after all of their loved ones had gone.” He looked to Albedo and returned his accusatory violet gaze with his own calm, steel-blue eyes.
“Is that what you mean?”
__
How did he guess so quickly? Maybe he worked with the Institute, or somehow he had been told. Maybe Rubedo had told him. He didn't want Rubedo's pity, but at the same time, he wanted his brother to understand...
"...Yeah. They're... all going to die one day and leave me behind." He sat on a root and folded his arms across his knees, resting his head on his forearms. "Rubedo promised... he said he wouldn't... but then he told me that it was only me... I have to watch him... watch him die one day. I wish..." he would take me with him somehow... He shook his head as if throwing the thought out of his mind.
__
Ziggy nodded. Under his breath, he murmured to himself.
“The one who is left behind must bear the burden of memory... if you are isolated, cut off from your past life, then you can only spend your days regretting mistakes that you can no longer fix...”
Wasn't that once true of him? Except that he'd taken it to the next level. The misery of knowing that he'd not only failed to save those he loved, but that he'd also failed to follow them into oblivion, haunted him so intensely that he'd disassociated himself from everything – the sad memories as well as the happy ones.
Had Albedo done the same, once he realized that his future would only hold eternal loneliness? That forced isolation – could that have bred the seemingly inhuman evil which followed? Ziggy suddenly felt a strange, acute sense of worry. What would have happened to him, had things been different? If he hadn't met MOMO...?
With conviction, he addressed Albedo again.
“But that's not the only way to live. The inevitable is painful – and those who remain, abandoned, have the tendency to live, selfishly, only for themselves.” He gestured with one hand.
“But Rubedo is still alive. If you let yourself be happy now, then, one day, you won't find yourself wishing that you'd spent more time with him, or that you'd done more to make him happy, in turn.” He added an afterthought -- “... and perhaps you'll find an end to your suffering, when your time comes.”
__
His eyes grew wide, and he stared up at Ziggy, his mouth slightly open. "But... it's impossible. I can do anything and nothing happens." Looking to his hand, he formed a sphere of energy in his palm, then pressed it to his opposite arm. The limb disappeared in a hissing flash, only to be replaced by a glow that swirled and stretched and reformed into a new limb, perfectly shaped and usable. "The only one that can... is one of us. But we would have to be like U-DO, somehow. The simulator. Maybe there really is a way..." His arms began to shake; in the combination of fear and sadness, he curled up again, knees tucked to his chest. He didn't want to... but if it would let him be like his brothers...
__
Ziggy had tensed when he saw Albedo forming a concentrated energy blast, but he soon realized his actual intent. He watched, expressionless, as the arm was blown clean off. There was an aroma of seared flesh, which quickly dissipated as the arm reformed. He had seen this before, as well – also in the Encephalon dive.
Slowly, and cautiously, Ziggy took a few steps towards Albedo, making sure to keep a respectful distance.
“Humans,” he said, “generally don't concern themselves with death. To be obsessed with death is to neglect the life it constitutes. What I mean is that... you shouldn't worry. Even though your situation is different, there must be a way. But trying to think of that way would be a waste of the time that you should be spending with your brother.”
__
The liquid amethyst eyes gleamed at their corners. I can't think about anything else anymore... I want to, I really do, I wish I could tell you that, but you don't understand because you can't... no one can... you don't know what it's like to know that half of who you are is going to die one day while you watch... I thought kids like me didn't think about that, but I do... maybe Rubedo will take me with him and I can stay with him because I can't think of life without him or Nigredo and my second heartbeat and knowing that we're all together and I don't have to be afraid of anything, except now I am and I always will and I don't understand why it has to happen and I wish I could do what this man is telling me to do but --
His voice wobbled as it crept into the air, barely breaking free of his racing thoughts. "I'm not human, I guess, then." He turned away entirely, his back facing Ziggy, his shoulders slumping forward in resignation. Little dark spots formed on the ground beside the crudely dug hole. Everything in his mind came to a slow, dark, complete halt, leaving behind only the silence inside and the sound of gently rustling leaves in the garden. For what seemed like a small eternity, he fell silent, then spoke up in a shaky whisper. "You're a cyborg, right? You're kind of like me, aren't you? Don't you care? Or are you lucky and you don't have anything to be afraid of..." He sniffled once, his cheeks turning red as he bowed his head in a futile attempt to keep Ziggy from seeing his face.
__
"Yes, I am like you." The words seemed strange to say, especially in such a calm tone, but Ziggy had already accepted the obvious parallels. He peered at Albedo, who was trying awkwardly to shield his face from view -- and couldn't help but look away.
The conflicting feelings made him somewhat uncomfortable -- here was a crying child, one that he sympathized with, and yet in his face there was an echo of his future self, or rather his true self... like the unopened blossom of an eventual flower. And Ziggy could feel nothing but animosity for that future identity.
"Being 'human' isn't so much a fate," he continued, "but a choice. Yes, it's true, I am no longer technically a human. According to law, I am nothing more than a piece of government equipment. I am unable to end my life. I was revived after I had made the choice to die... and for a very long time, I was sure that I would never be able to regain what I had lost." He glanced back at Albedo. "I wasn't able to protect my loved ones. If I had known, as you do, that I would be forced to outlive them, then... I would have done many things differently. I would have spent more time..."
His voice, usually so sturdy and confident, trailed off abruptly. Little shreds of memory rose to the surface -- Joaquin's laughter, his footsteps pounding on asphalt as he ran after Nex, rounding the corner, now tripping, now out of sight -- a shoe discarded, drenched in blood -- and the smell of Sharon's hair on the pillow...
"I would have simply spent more time with them," he concluded. "Instead of fearing the day when they would no longer be with me."
__
Albedo turned and stared up at him; as reluctant as he was to show his tears, the way Ziggy's voice vanished into the wind caught his mind and held it. Here was someone... who, maybe for a few seconds, maybe just a little, could understand. For the first time since he had spoken to the odd mechanical man, Albedo took a step toward him instead of away.
"They... brought you back?" Fingers shaking, he raised his hand -- the destroyed one, now the new -- and barely touched the cyborg's alloy forearm plating. Why, the boy wasn't sure... maybe it was to see if Ziggy was even real. This man had died and come back to life. He knew what it was like. And, even more shocking... he had come back against his will. He had to be some kind of illusion, a weird trick of the mind that Albedo had created just to have someone else to identify with. There had to be some other reason why the cyborg was here... but no. The steel was cold and solid and real.
A little twitch of his brows, a tiny narrowing of his eyes, and a spark something cold and furious gleamed through the fearful, immature gaze. "People don't get it. Look what they did to you, too." His voice turned from a forlorn murmur to a grating, choked whisper. "They're all so stupid sometimes. I wish they knew what it was like. Then they wouldn't say things behind my back about how I'm "unstable" and "abnormal" and whatever all that's supposed to mean. Rubedo wouldn't look at me like he does, like I'm just a whiny kid. They would know why we're so different and why they've done something bad by doing this to us... they'll know what it's like one day, somehow..."
__
Ziggy glanced down to where Albedo's trembling fingertips had met, briefly, with his artificial arm. He felt nothing -- physically, at least. Emotionally he felt something strange, simultaneously warm and familiar, yet cold, tumultuous, and repulsive.
"I don't hold it against them," he said, turning his icy gaze to the sky, which was starting to grow gray, ever so slightly. Dawn would come in a few hours. "Perhaps they will never know what they did to me, no. But I somehow doubt that teaching them what I felt would bring me much satisfaction..."
Ziggy heard traces of Albedo's -- adult Albedo's -- laughter. His sadism had roots deep in his childhood. Of course, the influence of U-DO had finally driven him over the edge, but it had only transformed a base which already existed.
Strange, how the paths of life formed and split, and dipped and fell.
"In my previous life," he continued, "I was a police officer... I had a strong sense of justice. But not all evils can be punished. Some are subjective. Others must be accepted. Otherwise, flawed justice will only spawn more suffering. I hope you will grow to understand that."
Even as he said the words he noted the pathetic futility in them. The damage was done; it had been done a thousand times over, carved into Albedo's being.
Wasn't it foolish to believe that some shred of humanity existed, buried under layers of emotional scar tissue, warped by insanity?
He looked down at the boy. It occurred to him, suddenly, that Jr. would be arriving any minute. Ziggy could foresee the complications if Jr. found them there, talking... he would need to leave, and soon.
__
"I don't know what I'll do when I get older. I don't think I'll be like you, though. You don't really care what they do to you." You're a lot stronger than me... just like everyone else. He didn't understand how this cyborg could think like he did. Retribution was the only way to overcome weakness. With that, he could prove himself, defend his brother, do anything. Give back what people gave. That was how it all worked. Maybe one day he would get them all to stop. Get the Standards to quit calling him a freak and a monster. Get them to stop picking on Rubedo. Get people to stop looking at him like he was a freak. Just be good enough and strong enough and brave enough to undo all the mistakes he had made. He swore time and time again that he wouldn't make them again, but it always happened. One day... there was, always and forever, one more day.
He turned to stare at the slowly brightening horizon, then at the two machines. One pink, the other white. He liked the white one. It was the color of his hair. "Maybe I'll see you again one day? I want to. I've never met anyone like me before. You get it all more than Rubedo does... maybe you could explain it to him sometime then, when we're all older, and maybe then he'll get it and I'll be able to talk to him... but you can't say anything yet..." He wasn't sure what he wanted, but if Rubedo understood, even if not by Albedo's own words, it would all be okay for a little while. Just a little while. The world would come rushing back at him, he knew, but... Rubedo would know. And that was good.
__
"I have a feeling I'll see you again someday," Ziggy replied, with some traces of bitterness. "But things may be different then."
Albedo's observations had given him pause. He had never felt resentment for the laws that had brought him back to life -- just cold acceptance. It wasn't as if there was anything he could do. Even killing Voyager wouldn't bring Sharon and Joaquin back to life -- though it was an execution of justice. Still, Ziggy couldn't imagine that any act of violence would heal the wounds of his past.
The most he could do, now, was make up for his previous mistakes. He would protect the people he cared for -- MOMO, Sakura, Jr... even though he could feel the looming fear of loss, the self-doubt, the apathy which had formerly prevented him from forming any emotional attachments whatsoever.
What had he overcome? And how had he done it? And, more importantly, exactly where had he succeeded where Albedo had failed? Or perhaps it was not so simple. Was it just insanity that had transformed him, or could he still be saved?
"I have a feeling," Ziggy concluded, "that Rubedo will understand you, someday." He turned to leave, but looked back at Albedo one last time.
"Take comfort in that."
There was more still unsaid, but the exercise in futility had gone on long enough, and Ziggy knew he was intruding on something not meant for him. It was Jr's responsibility to come to terms with Albedo, and there was little he could do. Even if he did speak to Jr. in an attempt to explain -- he would only be making the situation worse.
So he walked away, leaving Albedo and his unfinished graves, to return to the apartment. MOMO might have worried -- and she was his responsibility now, though Albedo's fretful eyes seemed to trick him, somehow, into thinking that he also needed to be protected.
__
The edge in his voice took Albedo by surprise; the boy jerked back as if Ziggy had just slapped him. Only when the cyborg spoke again did he manage to recover himself, eyes still wide and fearful. Just as the first rays of the still-invisible sun began to peek over the horizon -- Rubedo only had an hour or two now; where was he? -- Ziggy turned and began to walk.
Don't... leave...? Albedo wrapped his arms about himself and leaned against the tree, watching as if from behind a pane of glass or a wall. But he said nothing, and Ziggy vanished into the garden's trees, first a glint of metal, then the sound of distant footsteps, then nothing.
He wasn't sure why, but the sunlight edged something into his mind that he had never heard before, something from outside, something alien. His blood turned to ice for only a moment; all his fear and pain fled and hid themselves behind the numbness, still present and aching but latent; he watched the world, in that brief snapshot of time, from strange, uncaring eyes. The light of the sun... something about the sun... something about the time? Only two hours until dawn. Two hours until a new day. Two hours until... until what?
A voice rushed through his mind...
Mirror, mirror, on the wall... show me, define me...
... and was gone as soon as it came.
OOC
OOC
You should join us next time! For ice cream. 8D Actually I was speaking to Fiyo ~ my AIM's not working right now, or I'd harass you, but how do you feel about another huge Xenolog? Something awesome and totally not emo. Like shopping. Does Jr. wanna go shopping? |D ~ OR we could just fight some more monsters. Maybe do something for Tuesday, since Sakura will be cursing like a sailor. XD
OOC
We should bring in Albedo this time, too.
OOC
... Albedo could be shopping. 8D
Aw hell, let me try and get my AIM working... we gotta plan this out. MOMO and Sakura should definitely curse. Ziggy and Jr. can be traumatized together XD
Re: OOC
(I had to use the userpic. There was no other circumstance that allowed it. ^_^ Love for you Sophia!)
OOC
Re: OOC