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tampered2006-11-07 01:36 am
elegantorchid.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2006-11-07 01:36 am
[ Complete ] Subaru, Ranmaru - Will you be mine?
When; After this thread, when Kamui moves back in with Subaru and Ranmaru
Rating; R (MxM stuff)
Characters; Sakurazuka Subaru [![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ikigainashi] and Mori Ranmaru [elegantorchid]
Summary; After overhearing Kamui and Subaru's talk, Ranmaru wonders about where he stands with his companion.. only to discover some things are perhaps, better unquestioned..
Log;
Ranmaru paused and quickly stepped back, his expression looking slightly guilt-stricken and at the same time, content. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on Subaru and Kamui's conversation, but the more he heard, the more he needed to listen, if just to understand. He felt bad, in a way. Kamui surely needed someone and without realising it, Ranmaru had taken away that possible someone. His mind went back to the time he thought Mitsuhide had left him and his heart wrenched.. it must have been horrible for Kamui to endure what he was right now, and even more so being a child of this time where the year he was in was still very mentally young.
Quickly turning to rush to the bedroom Subaru and him shared, Ranmaru knelt by the futon, pulling his hair free from it's tie and letting it fall loose around his shoulders, then began to pull off the gloves and wrist guards Subaru had advised him to wear. It was strange.. he didn't regret feeling the way he did for Subaru at all, and the event where he thought he was gone and dead for good proved it even more.. but.. as he removed the gloves, the pentacles on the back of his hands showing like dark reminders of what had caused Subaru so much pain, Ranmaru felt his heart sink a bit,
Am I any better than Kamui in hurting Subaru-san..? He might not be able to say anything to me.. because of these.. he found himself thinking to himself, as he cradled his right hand in his left..
It was possible.. even though Ranmaru didn't want to believe it..
By the time Subaru had left Kamui's room, he felt rather drained. It was no fault of Kamui's, of course. Even though it had been hard, vaguely uncomfortable, and pointedly painful for both of them... He, at least, was a little relieved that they'd had that talk. They had both said things that had needed to be said...
And yet...nothing was exactly better. Kamui would continue to be in pain, and in a different manner, so would Subaru.
He quietly shut the teenager's door, looking mournfully down at the floor for a long moment before he continued further through their expansive 'apartment', which really consisted of multiple apartments, it seemed.
Subaru had thought that he had left Ranmaru in the kitchen, but he didn't see him there any longer. Weary, but curious, he wandered into the bedroom they had somehow ended up sharing by now, with the very few articles Subaru possessed now taking up their trifling space in the master bedroom.
He spotted Ranmaru knelt by the futon with his hair down, and was silent as he stepped up behind up and brushed his shoulder with a hand. "...Are you getting ready for bed?"
He hadn't heard Subaru enter, so when he felt the hand on his shoulder, he stiffened for a bit, before realising it was his .. lover.. (it was still so strange to call him that, because they seemed like so much more now) and looked up at him, moving his hand to the other's to gently touch it. "Just about." he replied, before looking up with a placid look, though he was attempting to be as calm as possible about things.
".. Will he be alright..?" he asked in a softer voice, turning so that Subaru would have space to seat himself if he wanted. He didn't reveal he'd heard the conversation just yet, but seeing the weariness in Subaru's eyes was enough for him to realise that the conversation had probably not taken a turn for the better. "He seemed.. rather tense earlier." Sighing, he glanced to a side. "Ranmaru's just worried that he's going to hurt himself..."
Subaru did choose to kneel down, if only because it was impolite to stand above Ranmaru while talking. Plus, it was almost comforting to know he had someone to talk about these things with.
It certainly wasn't something he was used to. Other than Ranmaru, the only other people he had ever really trusted to confide in were Kamui and his sister. Even with his grandmother, the relationship had never been that sort.
"He... He is just...still coming to terms with some of the choices he has made, and...some of the choices I have made. I would like to say that I am sure he will be all right, but...especially with this world, it...doesn't look good. It doesn't seem like anything can make him happy anymore." He reached up to absently rub at the back of his neck, where the muscles were tense.
"I don't believe Kamui is in danger of inflicting physical harm upon himself, but...emotionally, he is rather...masochistic." Really, not so much unlike Subaru, but he wasn't sure he wanted to admit that.
Even if Subaru didn't quite say that, Ranmaru may have thought it for a fleeting moment. It made him wonder about what WOULD things be like if such a disturbed boy and Subaru-san.. who was no less disturbed, were to get together. The mere idea made Ranmaru's head hurt a bit, and he decided not to think on it as much--- Subaru-san's emotions in the beginning were amazingly sorrowful too and only now had he been able to pull out of it. It was strangely comforting in a way to know that he had been able to help, but..
Glancing up at Subaru rubbing his neck, Ranmaru instinctively moved up to circle behind him and kneeling behind him, gently touched his fingers to the back of the other's shoulders, well-trained in finding the necessary points to relax and began to gently massage him. As Subaru spoke, he looked thoughtful.
"So he seems.. " he sighed, moving his thumbs over the back Subaru's neck and shaking his head. ".. Ranmaru spoke to him as well, but.. he is a bit difficult to get through to.." he smiled weakly. "Honesty. this person is surprised that he still came here." he continued massaging Subaru's shoulders, and tilted his head to a side. "Will.. Subaru-san be alright having him here..?" he asked gently.
When he realized why Ranmaru had moved behind him, Subaru parted his lips in order to tell Ranmaru that he really didn't need to, but feeling those deft fingers suddenly begin to work at the knots in his neck, the words died on his tongue, and his eyelashes fluttered to close.
Really, he shouldn't let himself get so relaxed so quickly around Ranmaru, but...it was so easy... Especially lately...
"Mmn, he... He has always been stubborn. He has...a hard time letting others in. I suppose that's why this is so painful for him. He let me in, and I just..." Subaru's eyes slipped back open, and he sighed.
"I let him down in every possible way. But...with him living here, I can at least attempt to make things better for him. I want to. I just don't know how. And you... I'm sorry to make you deal with all of this as well."
Ranmaru shook his head, continuing to work in silence as Subaru spoke-- the fact that he was talking at all was a benefit of it's own, and the fact that he was managing to offer him some relaxation somehow was a relief on it's own. However, he noticed the tension Subaru was experiencing, and it made him cringe inside. Really, what was with these men taking the load of the world onto their shoulders? He sighed aloud, then glanced down for a bit, before making his actions on Subaru's upper back and shoulders gentler, to relax him as best as he could.
"Subaru-san, the world's burdens are for the world to bear.. not just you.. do not think I do this out of any sort of obligation. Are we not human, and do humans not feel concern for those in pain..?" he understood times were different and the spirit of brotherhood may have dwindled over the centuries, but still. "He needs to be able to accept happiness for himself.. you've done all you could.." sighing, he then moved closer to wrap his arms around Subaru's shoulders and moved his face into the back of Subaru's head, inhaling his scent and nuzzling him gently.
"Ranmaru doesn't understand.. why anyone would need to take this so far.. " he half-opened his eyes, looking ahead thoughtfully, even as he kept Subaru in the light embrace. "... the way you speak.." he moved his head, looking down at Subaru from the side, over his shoulder, even as he held him. "One would think this is pity.." he faltered, then slowly drew his hands to the other's shoulders, looking slightly troubled.
Ranmaru's words did ring true to some extent, but the last suggestion left him rather shocked. Once he was quick enough to regain a bit of composure, he reached up to place a hand over the younger man's, only to shoot a rather sharp, if somewhat injured, expression. "Pity...? For Kamui?"
Subaru shook his head and pulled away, a bit disturbed by that suggestion. "No... It's true that I feel guilt for what I have done to him, and for how much I have made him hurt... But I want to make it better because I care."
Realizing he was probably sounding somewhat angry, Subaru softened his voice, and as a result, so did his gaze, as he stared down at his hands. "Someone such as I...am in no position to feel pity for anybody."
Really, in his eyes, there was nobody beneath him. Even Seishirou, he thought, was much less pitiful. That man only acted the way he did because that was how he had been raised.
Ranmaru hesitated, then slowly drew his hand back, moving to sit beside Subaru, looking at him curiously. His words, while he could understand, stemmed from unreleased expression of guilt and even moreso because Kamui wasn't really helping matters in making it seem like it was *Subaru's* fault that Kamui was in love with him, he still found it upsetting that Subaru was allowing that sort of emotional blackmail. Care aside, he could see Subaru's, but the way Kamui was going about in gaining it.. Ranmaru didn't quite agree with.
And then his own gaze went to his own hands as he glanced at the scarred pentacles, his own fingers brushing against the back of his hand as he traced them and he then raised his gaze to face Subaru with a thoughtful expression. "... Ranmaru isn't quite certain such would be true in it's entirety, Subaru-san.." he whispered. Then, he inhaled, shaking his head and looked up at him. "Your care.. may be genuine, but.. while he claims that he cannot tell right from wrong, surely he understands more than that if he is capable of feeling." he lowered his head. "... the way he speaks and goads you into reacting the way he wants you to could make Ranmaru think as though even you are with Ranmaru because you feel pitiful about marking Ranmaru as your prey.." he trailed off, though he wanted to continue, because the thought of Subaru caring for him for just that reason made his heart sting. He was going to finish it with '.. even though that isn't how I think at all.. but still..' but he just couldn't find the words to continue.
It wasn't even so much the words themselves that hurt, but knowing how very sincere they were. The young onmyouji's mismatched gaze fell back upon Ranmaru, his surprise subtle but apparent to those with a keen gaze. "What...?"
Why would Ranmaru think something like that? It was true Subaru felt guilty... They both knew that. But he was accusing Subaru of letting himself stay near Kamui and Ranmaru both because of pity?
His throat constricted, just as it did when somebody was about to cry. But no, Subaru would not cry. He really wasn't one to do so. Instead he abruptly stood and paced away, only to stop by the window. He was relieved to see the curtain drawn. Seeing his own reflection now would...not bring about pleasant results.
Not that these were exactly pleasant, either. "For Kamui...and for you... My emotions are different. But they are similar in that they are not laced with pity." He couldn't bring himself to look at Ranmaru. "I came here to stay with you before that...incident took place."
Ranmaru stood up immediately, realising what he should have said and what he shouldn't have, feeling a sinking feeling in his chest, and followed Subaru's movements. Listening to him, the boy felt a wave of guilt and before he knew it, he had moved and his arms moved around the onmyouji's form, face burying under the back of his neck and he held him tightly.
"Ranmaru didn't mean to make that sound like an accusation.." he explained apologetically. "Ranmaru only meant to say that it would appear to be so, but even though that may be.. it is not, ne..?" he held Subaru a little tighter, as if afraid that he would disappear. "Ranmaru.. just doesn't like seeing you feel obligated and burdened into anything.. and.. as much as this person would want to ignore it, it's true that some of Kamui-kun's words.. try to imply as though it is Subaru-san at fault. When it isn't.." he raised his head slightly, looking up at Subaru's back, then sighed and rest his forehead against his shoulder.
"I told you.." he whispered. "I told you I didn't mind..." he fanned his fingers against Subaru's chest, whispering the words into his shoulders. "... I know why things are as they are. They do not lessen my feelings or change their nature in any way, Subaru-san.." he chuckled weakly. "These hands.. this body.. they're yours. They have been.. even before Ranmaru realised it..." he whispered, seriously.
"... it was fearsome enough to not be able to hold you.. to speak with you. Do you think.. I would dare think otherwise to your intent..? You know me better than that.."
Subaru was tense as Ranmaru spoke, unable to immediately shake the unintentional pain Ranmaru's words had caused. Especially with how he was suggesting that Kamui was blackmailing him. "Kamui, he... He's just confused, and in pain. I know he doesn't want to manipulate me. He really is a kind person, once you get to know him better. He has simply been hardened by life..."
Finally, he lifted his hands to cover Ranmaru's, fingers curling to grip them there. He said his body was his... His hands. Subaru's cheeks flushed, and he was glad that he was facing away. Still, he shyly brought up one hand to kiss his palm before he slid his own gloves fingers down to gently hold his wrist so that he could turn Ranmaru's hand and brush his lips against the mark there.
It hurt...simply to touch it, but...
And your heart...? What about it...?
But no, he could not ask. Would not. How could he ask when he wasn't even sure of his own?
"...I do wonder sometimes if I will wake up one of these mornings, and once again you won't be there...for good. It seems like something the City would do, right after we have relaxed."
He wouldn't doubt it, surely Subaru wouldn't have come this far without some hint of understanding of who he was dealing with. Still, he couldn't help but have his hint of suspicion-- if only for the fact that he was a soldier and such things were not uncommon. However, he remained still as Subaru kissed his hand, feeling a flush of warmth at the touch, and for that moment, he desired so badly to kiss away his sadness, to simply hold him and tell him everything would be alright.. and at those last words, Ranmaru smiled weakly, and slipped his arm free, shifting to a side so that he could back against the wall away from the window, his hand still held in Subaru's and turned it to hold it in return, then using the new grip, he drew Subaru closer, until the other could be close enough, then smiled gently, moving his gloved hand to his face and leaning his face into it.
".. I'll keep finding ways to come back." he whispered, turning his face in toward the gloved palm and speaking against it. Then, letting it go, he drew a hand tothe side of Subaru's waist and pulled him closer, keeping his gaze locked with his, and slid his hand up the other's chest, to circle around the back of his neck and drew him closer.
"Subaru-san said he wanted to protect Ranmaru.. and Ranmaru would protect Subaru-san in return." he whispered. Brushing his lips against Subaru's jawline, Ranmaru closed his eyes for a brief moment. "Understand this as a worry of someone who cherishes you deeply.. and wishes to do just that.."
Ranmaru's touches always managed to either excite or soothe Subaru, and lately they somehow seemed to be doing both at once. How that was possible, he wasn't sure, but many things that had previously seemed impossible in his life now happened daily in his life in The City.
He just couldn't stay upset. Couldn't stay worried. Not when he was listening to this soft voice, feeling these tender touches...
Subaru let his fingertips trace along Ranmaru's cheek before pulling away to tug off his gloves, letting them fall at their feet so that he could slip his bare fingers through Ranmaru's silky hair. The boy really did seem to have a sort of ethereal beauty about him.
Beautiful...and mine.
He paused and blinked rapidly at that thought. Had that been his? No. That was... just like him. There was no way Subaru would ever think like that.
"Oh? You would defy The City, Ranmaru-san?"
Ranmaru smiled a bit, blushing lightly at the touch on his cheek, though more at the feeling of gentle touches in his hair. The fact that Subaru removed his gloves around him was sign enough, and Ranmaru nudged his head upwards, to feel more of those gentle caresses, before he noticed the strange confusion on Subaru's face. However, followed by his question, the boy chuckled softly and drew Subaru's hand into his own, lacing their fingers together, and in a repeat of Subaru's action, he gently traced his lips across the back of his hand as he whispered the next words.
"I would defy the Gods themselves, if it would allow me to be bound to you, Subaru-san.."
He wasn't sure why he used those words precisely, but then he raised his head and tracing the back of his fingers against Subaru's cheek, he gently drew him close.
You've taken over me and I don't know where to stop..
"I'm yours, Subaru-san.." he whispered past his lips, as they came close enough. "Even if we must part.. know that Ranmaru will be here.. and will return to you." he gently touched his lips to the side of his mouth, kissing him tenderly. "It will not be living.. if I cannot see you.."
Of course, Subaru knew of Ranmaru's feelings. He had voiced them before. They both had, in their own ways. Ranmaru always seemed more eloquent with his wording, but the confessions were usually similar.
Still, when the young warrior before him touched him and kissed him and whispered words that seemed too heartfelt to be properly expressed, Subaru felt...overwhelmed. To be cared for this much, and to realize that he... reciprocated... It made him feel warm. Not exactly whole... He knew Seishirou would always take up a certain, large part of him, but...
...But he felt...content. At peace. Wonderful. And his cheeks were wet, and he tasted salt on his lip, but it didn't compute that he was actually crying. He couldn't even seem to move... He was just standing there, staring down at him.
How is it possible to be so happy finally, only to know that now is when I deserve it the least?
Ranmaru drew back, concern lining his gaze when he saw the first trails of tears slip down the other's warming cheeks,and then, it turned into understanding. He found himself smiling weakly, then he raised his hand to gently wipe those tears off one cheek and then, he took Subaru's face in both his hands, standing on slight tiptoe to gently kiss over his eyelids.. then under his eyes.
Even if just for a moment..
Under one eye.. then the other..
Just for the shortest breath..
Trailing over his cheek with his lips, touching his tongue gently to the tears..
Please let me love you until you need nothing more from me..
And gently following the tears to his lips, Ranmaru whispered his confession in a silent breath, before touching his lips to Subaru's and sliding a hand into his hair, the other circling around Subaru's shoulders, onto his back, and drew him closer. He drew back, then whispered aloud, "... you deserve nothing less than what you can have and more.. Subaru-san.."
Subaru's lower lip trembled a bit, and with a choked gasp, he wrapped his arms tightly around Ranmaru's waist, hugging him tightly against his chest while he shakily kissed his forehead, his ear, and his neck.
"S-sorry, I... I just..." I can't understand how you or Kamui can feel so strongly for me. Both of you deserve much better than me. And yet...
If only I could make Kamui happy, and find a way to stop feeling for Seishirou-san, it could be perfect, but... there is no way everyone can be happy.
"I'm just... Thank you... Thank you..." he whispered huskily before kissing his throat and giving him a light tug to guide him back to the futon.
Ranmaru was surprised with the desperation Subaru displayed in his response, and he shivered lightly at the kisses, eyelids fluttering shut at the tender kisses, the passionate hold and the need with which he expressed his gratitude. It made his own heart ache, yet it allowed it to flutter, and he re-opened his eyes, allowing himself to be tugged along to the futon, and once they neared it, he folded his fingers into Subaru's top, tugging him down as Ranmaru knelt on the futon and pulled him along with. It pained him to see tears in Subaru's eyes, but he promised himself that he'd never allow the chance again.. not on his part.. and sliding his arms back around Subaru's shoulders, he drew him closer, capturing his mouth in kisses soft and affectionate in their wake and then moved his face into the side of Subaru's neck.
"Subaru-san.." he whispered against it, trailing his lips over it. ".. don't thank me.. not when you've given this person the greatest joy he doesn't deserve.." sliding a hand into Subaru's hair, Ranmaru drew back to gaze into his eyes, gently touching his cheek and smiling at him.
Fool... Of course you don't deserve me. You deserve more.
But he was still feeling much too dazed and distracted by the previous kisses to think much of his thoughts, and instead turned his head to dot tender kisses of his own from Ranmaru's palm to the inside of his wrist when he finally glanced up to remember that the door was still open. Kamui was living with them again, after all, so this behavior would have to remain behind closed doors.
For once in his life, he was almost grateful for the power increase the recent addition of the Tree offered, and whipped his hand out and concentrated, the door slamming shut with an ofuda pinned to the center.
Then he was able to relax again, circling his arms around Ranmaru's waist, feeling surprisingly playful now, as he tugged the boy on top of him as he relaxed back, tucking his longer hair behind his ears while he initiated a drawn out kiss before murmuring, "You should stop taking words out of my head. It's disconcerting."
Ranmaru watched in wonder when the door closed, impressed by the display of power, before realising why Subaru did it, and he let out a startled laugh, moving an arm to his side to support himself from putting his entire weight on the older onmyouji and returned te kiss, cheeks flushing crimson when they pulled back. Then, with a bemused smile, he tilted his head to a side and poked noses with Subaru, smiling gently as he slid his free hand down, over Subaru's chest.*
"... your thoughts are so loud, Subaru-san. How can I ignore them?" he replied calmly, fingers playfully tracing over the edge of Subaru's shirt and then, in a show of mischief, the darkhaired boy smirked, sliding his hand under it, playing across the skin and lifting the shirt up slightly. "It's not as if Subaru-san hides them from Ranmaru.." warmth. Spreading through his fingers, he brushed them over Subaru's chest, over his right nipple and at the same time, he moved his face into the side of the other's neck, kissing the skin gently.
"You're beautiful, Subaru-san.." he whispered in a heated breath, kissing the skin again, with a light graze of his teeth before he licked the area.
Let me bring you pleasure, as you deserve to well..
The teasing, along with the compliments, were utterly killing Subaru in embarrassment, and he hoped his blush wasn't as plainly obvious as his thoughts seemed to be.
The touch beneath his shirt made his skin tingle, and as warm as Ranmaru's mouth was against his throat, all it did was draw out a shiver and a shaky breath as he rubbed his cheek against Ranmaru's silken hair lightly.
"You don't need to be...so formal with me...during moments like this... Ranmaru..."
Subaru wondered if the young man could even hear his voice over the loud pounding of his heart that seemed to echo in his own ears.
Subaru was still older than him, so the thought of being informal in any way made the boy feel as though he was treading on a space of impropriety. However, when Subaru spoke his name, and he felt his face against his hair, the shaky, needy breaths releasing close to his ear, Ranmaru found himself growing further in need. Trailing kisses over Subaru's jawline, Ranmaru further lifted Subaru's shirt and broke away from teasing his neck and urged the other to pull free of his upper clothing, then giving him a warm smile, he lowered his face to kiss Subaru's mouth again, parting his lips open with his own, before capturing his mouth fully in a deep, heated and passionate kiss, taking a nipple between thumb and forefinger, and caressing it-- and slid his tongue into the onmyouji's mouth, rubbing gently against his own.
It was strangely sensual, vividly erotic, and all around arousing, and to see Subaru so responsive was a compliment in itself.
Breaking the kiss, Ranmaru first positioned himself in a way that he would be able to lay over Subaru without pushing his weight onto him, and he gazed at hm with coy silver eyes.
"You're still older than me.." he whispered, kissing Subaru's cheek gently. Lingering there, he whispered, "... would you like me to..?" call you by your name.. kissing over Subaru's earlobe again, Ranmaru whispered near it. "Tell me what you want from me.."
The heat had certainly spread, and his entire body was now flushed with desire he normally tried to hard to suppress as he found himself matching Ranmaru's kiss with his own eagerly, and he realized that his own breaths seemed a little less labored as the kiss drew to a close--though he was still panting to some degree.
That realization was what made him wonder... When was the last time he'd had a cigarette?
"Wha...?" he muttered out softly, as if not computing what was being asked, just as he was trying to undo the sash around Ranmaru's waist. Then he actually heard, and he let his head fall back to his the pillow. At first, he was so embarrassed he could only stutter.
"I... I-I..." WHY was he stuttering? He was an adult, and plenty of years older than Ranmaru. This was ridiculous.
Still, Subaru's voice was remarkably quiet as he gazed up at him, pulling the sash free with one hand while letting the knuckles of his other caress along his thigh. "Y-yes... I just want to know you're enjoying it."
The boy's confident expression wavered for that moment to something more needy as his robes parted open without much difficulty and the brush of Subaru's hand against his thigh didn't exactly help the boy in controlling his expression, which turned into a rather visibly wanton expression, the blush on his face spreading over his cheeks and he let out his response in a gentle whisper. "More.. than you know..." he let his robes fall back, over his shoulders, but he didn't pull free of the sleeves and let himself appear the mischievous vision of invitation, before smiling at Subaru's flustered reaction.
"... It's warm, Subaru-san.." he whispered, going back to kissing the side of Subaru's neck, then beginning to slide down, laying gentle kisses over the other man's collarbone..
He was so innocent sometimes, despite them having done this a lot, and he smiled a bit, moving his face back to gaze at him and brushing his fingers over his chest idly, simply wanting Subaru to experience as much pleasure as he could give him.
If this was what it was like to feel joy and satisfaction, then Ranmaru would gladly give it to this man..
Until the end of his time here.. I'll protect him with all I have.
He vowed it. And with that.. he let the warmth take them into it's embrace..
Rating; R (MxM stuff)
Characters; Sakurazuka Subaru [
ikigainashi] and Mori Ranmaru [elegantorchid]Summary; After overhearing Kamui and Subaru's talk, Ranmaru wonders about where he stands with his companion.. only to discover some things are perhaps, better unquestioned..
Log;
Ranmaru paused and quickly stepped back, his expression looking slightly guilt-stricken and at the same time, content. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on Subaru and Kamui's conversation, but the more he heard, the more he needed to listen, if just to understand. He felt bad, in a way. Kamui surely needed someone and without realising it, Ranmaru had taken away that possible someone. His mind went back to the time he thought Mitsuhide had left him and his heart wrenched.. it must have been horrible for Kamui to endure what he was right now, and even more so being a child of this time where the year he was in was still very mentally young.
Quickly turning to rush to the bedroom Subaru and him shared, Ranmaru knelt by the futon, pulling his hair free from it's tie and letting it fall loose around his shoulders, then began to pull off the gloves and wrist guards Subaru had advised him to wear. It was strange.. he didn't regret feeling the way he did for Subaru at all, and the event where he thought he was gone and dead for good proved it even more.. but.. as he removed the gloves, the pentacles on the back of his hands showing like dark reminders of what had caused Subaru so much pain, Ranmaru felt his heart sink a bit,
Am I any better than Kamui in hurting Subaru-san..? He might not be able to say anything to me.. because of these.. he found himself thinking to himself, as he cradled his right hand in his left..
It was possible.. even though Ranmaru didn't want to believe it..
By the time Subaru had left Kamui's room, he felt rather drained. It was no fault of Kamui's, of course. Even though it had been hard, vaguely uncomfortable, and pointedly painful for both of them... He, at least, was a little relieved that they'd had that talk. They had both said things that had needed to be said...
And yet...nothing was exactly better. Kamui would continue to be in pain, and in a different manner, so would Subaru.
He quietly shut the teenager's door, looking mournfully down at the floor for a long moment before he continued further through their expansive 'apartment', which really consisted of multiple apartments, it seemed.
Subaru had thought that he had left Ranmaru in the kitchen, but he didn't see him there any longer. Weary, but curious, he wandered into the bedroom they had somehow ended up sharing by now, with the very few articles Subaru possessed now taking up their trifling space in the master bedroom.
He spotted Ranmaru knelt by the futon with his hair down, and was silent as he stepped up behind up and brushed his shoulder with a hand. "...Are you getting ready for bed?"
He hadn't heard Subaru enter, so when he felt the hand on his shoulder, he stiffened for a bit, before realising it was his .. lover.. (it was still so strange to call him that, because they seemed like so much more now) and looked up at him, moving his hand to the other's to gently touch it. "Just about." he replied, before looking up with a placid look, though he was attempting to be as calm as possible about things.
".. Will he be alright..?" he asked in a softer voice, turning so that Subaru would have space to seat himself if he wanted. He didn't reveal he'd heard the conversation just yet, but seeing the weariness in Subaru's eyes was enough for him to realise that the conversation had probably not taken a turn for the better. "He seemed.. rather tense earlier." Sighing, he glanced to a side. "Ranmaru's just worried that he's going to hurt himself..."
Subaru did choose to kneel down, if only because it was impolite to stand above Ranmaru while talking. Plus, it was almost comforting to know he had someone to talk about these things with.
It certainly wasn't something he was used to. Other than Ranmaru, the only other people he had ever really trusted to confide in were Kamui and his sister. Even with his grandmother, the relationship had never been that sort.
"He... He is just...still coming to terms with some of the choices he has made, and...some of the choices I have made. I would like to say that I am sure he will be all right, but...especially with this world, it...doesn't look good. It doesn't seem like anything can make him happy anymore." He reached up to absently rub at the back of his neck, where the muscles were tense.
"I don't believe Kamui is in danger of inflicting physical harm upon himself, but...emotionally, he is rather...masochistic." Really, not so much unlike Subaru, but he wasn't sure he wanted to admit that.
Even if Subaru didn't quite say that, Ranmaru may have thought it for a fleeting moment. It made him wonder about what WOULD things be like if such a disturbed boy and Subaru-san.. who was no less disturbed, were to get together. The mere idea made Ranmaru's head hurt a bit, and he decided not to think on it as much--- Subaru-san's emotions in the beginning were amazingly sorrowful too and only now had he been able to pull out of it. It was strangely comforting in a way to know that he had been able to help, but..
Glancing up at Subaru rubbing his neck, Ranmaru instinctively moved up to circle behind him and kneeling behind him, gently touched his fingers to the back of the other's shoulders, well-trained in finding the necessary points to relax and began to gently massage him. As Subaru spoke, he looked thoughtful.
"So he seems.. " he sighed, moving his thumbs over the back Subaru's neck and shaking his head. ".. Ranmaru spoke to him as well, but.. he is a bit difficult to get through to.." he smiled weakly. "Honesty. this person is surprised that he still came here." he continued massaging Subaru's shoulders, and tilted his head to a side. "Will.. Subaru-san be alright having him here..?" he asked gently.
When he realized why Ranmaru had moved behind him, Subaru parted his lips in order to tell Ranmaru that he really didn't need to, but feeling those deft fingers suddenly begin to work at the knots in his neck, the words died on his tongue, and his eyelashes fluttered to close.
Really, he shouldn't let himself get so relaxed so quickly around Ranmaru, but...it was so easy... Especially lately...
"Mmn, he... He has always been stubborn. He has...a hard time letting others in. I suppose that's why this is so painful for him. He let me in, and I just..." Subaru's eyes slipped back open, and he sighed.
"I let him down in every possible way. But...with him living here, I can at least attempt to make things better for him. I want to. I just don't know how. And you... I'm sorry to make you deal with all of this as well."
Ranmaru shook his head, continuing to work in silence as Subaru spoke-- the fact that he was talking at all was a benefit of it's own, and the fact that he was managing to offer him some relaxation somehow was a relief on it's own. However, he noticed the tension Subaru was experiencing, and it made him cringe inside. Really, what was with these men taking the load of the world onto their shoulders? He sighed aloud, then glanced down for a bit, before making his actions on Subaru's upper back and shoulders gentler, to relax him as best as he could.
"Subaru-san, the world's burdens are for the world to bear.. not just you.. do not think I do this out of any sort of obligation. Are we not human, and do humans not feel concern for those in pain..?" he understood times were different and the spirit of brotherhood may have dwindled over the centuries, but still. "He needs to be able to accept happiness for himself.. you've done all you could.." sighing, he then moved closer to wrap his arms around Subaru's shoulders and moved his face into the back of Subaru's head, inhaling his scent and nuzzling him gently.
"Ranmaru doesn't understand.. why anyone would need to take this so far.. " he half-opened his eyes, looking ahead thoughtfully, even as he kept Subaru in the light embrace. "... the way you speak.." he moved his head, looking down at Subaru from the side, over his shoulder, even as he held him. "One would think this is pity.." he faltered, then slowly drew his hands to the other's shoulders, looking slightly troubled.
Ranmaru's words did ring true to some extent, but the last suggestion left him rather shocked. Once he was quick enough to regain a bit of composure, he reached up to place a hand over the younger man's, only to shoot a rather sharp, if somewhat injured, expression. "Pity...? For Kamui?"
Subaru shook his head and pulled away, a bit disturbed by that suggestion. "No... It's true that I feel guilt for what I have done to him, and for how much I have made him hurt... But I want to make it better because I care."
Realizing he was probably sounding somewhat angry, Subaru softened his voice, and as a result, so did his gaze, as he stared down at his hands. "Someone such as I...am in no position to feel pity for anybody."
Really, in his eyes, there was nobody beneath him. Even Seishirou, he thought, was much less pitiful. That man only acted the way he did because that was how he had been raised.
Ranmaru hesitated, then slowly drew his hand back, moving to sit beside Subaru, looking at him curiously. His words, while he could understand, stemmed from unreleased expression of guilt and even moreso because Kamui wasn't really helping matters in making it seem like it was *Subaru's* fault that Kamui was in love with him, he still found it upsetting that Subaru was allowing that sort of emotional blackmail. Care aside, he could see Subaru's, but the way Kamui was going about in gaining it.. Ranmaru didn't quite agree with.
And then his own gaze went to his own hands as he glanced at the scarred pentacles, his own fingers brushing against the back of his hand as he traced them and he then raised his gaze to face Subaru with a thoughtful expression. "... Ranmaru isn't quite certain such would be true in it's entirety, Subaru-san.." he whispered. Then, he inhaled, shaking his head and looked up at him. "Your care.. may be genuine, but.. while he claims that he cannot tell right from wrong, surely he understands more than that if he is capable of feeling." he lowered his head. "... the way he speaks and goads you into reacting the way he wants you to could make Ranmaru think as though even you are with Ranmaru because you feel pitiful about marking Ranmaru as your prey.." he trailed off, though he wanted to continue, because the thought of Subaru caring for him for just that reason made his heart sting. He was going to finish it with '.. even though that isn't how I think at all.. but still..' but he just couldn't find the words to continue.
It wasn't even so much the words themselves that hurt, but knowing how very sincere they were. The young onmyouji's mismatched gaze fell back upon Ranmaru, his surprise subtle but apparent to those with a keen gaze. "What...?"
Why would Ranmaru think something like that? It was true Subaru felt guilty... They both knew that. But he was accusing Subaru of letting himself stay near Kamui and Ranmaru both because of pity?
His throat constricted, just as it did when somebody was about to cry. But no, Subaru would not cry. He really wasn't one to do so. Instead he abruptly stood and paced away, only to stop by the window. He was relieved to see the curtain drawn. Seeing his own reflection now would...not bring about pleasant results.
Not that these were exactly pleasant, either. "For Kamui...and for you... My emotions are different. But they are similar in that they are not laced with pity." He couldn't bring himself to look at Ranmaru. "I came here to stay with you before that...incident took place."
Ranmaru stood up immediately, realising what he should have said and what he shouldn't have, feeling a sinking feeling in his chest, and followed Subaru's movements. Listening to him, the boy felt a wave of guilt and before he knew it, he had moved and his arms moved around the onmyouji's form, face burying under the back of his neck and he held him tightly.
"Ranmaru didn't mean to make that sound like an accusation.." he explained apologetically. "Ranmaru only meant to say that it would appear to be so, but even though that may be.. it is not, ne..?" he held Subaru a little tighter, as if afraid that he would disappear. "Ranmaru.. just doesn't like seeing you feel obligated and burdened into anything.. and.. as much as this person would want to ignore it, it's true that some of Kamui-kun's words.. try to imply as though it is Subaru-san at fault. When it isn't.." he raised his head slightly, looking up at Subaru's back, then sighed and rest his forehead against his shoulder.
"I told you.." he whispered. "I told you I didn't mind..." he fanned his fingers against Subaru's chest, whispering the words into his shoulders. "... I know why things are as they are. They do not lessen my feelings or change their nature in any way, Subaru-san.." he chuckled weakly. "These hands.. this body.. they're yours. They have been.. even before Ranmaru realised it..." he whispered, seriously.
"... it was fearsome enough to not be able to hold you.. to speak with you. Do you think.. I would dare think otherwise to your intent..? You know me better than that.."
Subaru was tense as Ranmaru spoke, unable to immediately shake the unintentional pain Ranmaru's words had caused. Especially with how he was suggesting that Kamui was blackmailing him. "Kamui, he... He's just confused, and in pain. I know he doesn't want to manipulate me. He really is a kind person, once you get to know him better. He has simply been hardened by life..."
Finally, he lifted his hands to cover Ranmaru's, fingers curling to grip them there. He said his body was his... His hands. Subaru's cheeks flushed, and he was glad that he was facing away. Still, he shyly brought up one hand to kiss his palm before he slid his own gloves fingers down to gently hold his wrist so that he could turn Ranmaru's hand and brush his lips against the mark there.
It hurt...simply to touch it, but...
And your heart...? What about it...?
But no, he could not ask. Would not. How could he ask when he wasn't even sure of his own?
"...I do wonder sometimes if I will wake up one of these mornings, and once again you won't be there...for good. It seems like something the City would do, right after we have relaxed."
He wouldn't doubt it, surely Subaru wouldn't have come this far without some hint of understanding of who he was dealing with. Still, he couldn't help but have his hint of suspicion-- if only for the fact that he was a soldier and such things were not uncommon. However, he remained still as Subaru kissed his hand, feeling a flush of warmth at the touch, and for that moment, he desired so badly to kiss away his sadness, to simply hold him and tell him everything would be alright.. and at those last words, Ranmaru smiled weakly, and slipped his arm free, shifting to a side so that he could back against the wall away from the window, his hand still held in Subaru's and turned it to hold it in return, then using the new grip, he drew Subaru closer, until the other could be close enough, then smiled gently, moving his gloved hand to his face and leaning his face into it.
".. I'll keep finding ways to come back." he whispered, turning his face in toward the gloved palm and speaking against it. Then, letting it go, he drew a hand tothe side of Subaru's waist and pulled him closer, keeping his gaze locked with his, and slid his hand up the other's chest, to circle around the back of his neck and drew him closer.
"Subaru-san said he wanted to protect Ranmaru.. and Ranmaru would protect Subaru-san in return." he whispered. Brushing his lips against Subaru's jawline, Ranmaru closed his eyes for a brief moment. "Understand this as a worry of someone who cherishes you deeply.. and wishes to do just that.."
Ranmaru's touches always managed to either excite or soothe Subaru, and lately they somehow seemed to be doing both at once. How that was possible, he wasn't sure, but many things that had previously seemed impossible in his life now happened daily in his life in The City.
He just couldn't stay upset. Couldn't stay worried. Not when he was listening to this soft voice, feeling these tender touches...
Subaru let his fingertips trace along Ranmaru's cheek before pulling away to tug off his gloves, letting them fall at their feet so that he could slip his bare fingers through Ranmaru's silky hair. The boy really did seem to have a sort of ethereal beauty about him.
Beautiful...and mine.
He paused and blinked rapidly at that thought. Had that been his? No. That was... just like him. There was no way Subaru would ever think like that.
"Oh? You would defy The City, Ranmaru-san?"
Ranmaru smiled a bit, blushing lightly at the touch on his cheek, though more at the feeling of gentle touches in his hair. The fact that Subaru removed his gloves around him was sign enough, and Ranmaru nudged his head upwards, to feel more of those gentle caresses, before he noticed the strange confusion on Subaru's face. However, followed by his question, the boy chuckled softly and drew Subaru's hand into his own, lacing their fingers together, and in a repeat of Subaru's action, he gently traced his lips across the back of his hand as he whispered the next words.
"I would defy the Gods themselves, if it would allow me to be bound to you, Subaru-san.."
He wasn't sure why he used those words precisely, but then he raised his head and tracing the back of his fingers against Subaru's cheek, he gently drew him close.
You've taken over me and I don't know where to stop..
"I'm yours, Subaru-san.." he whispered past his lips, as they came close enough. "Even if we must part.. know that Ranmaru will be here.. and will return to you." he gently touched his lips to the side of his mouth, kissing him tenderly. "It will not be living.. if I cannot see you.."
Of course, Subaru knew of Ranmaru's feelings. He had voiced them before. They both had, in their own ways. Ranmaru always seemed more eloquent with his wording, but the confessions were usually similar.
Still, when the young warrior before him touched him and kissed him and whispered words that seemed too heartfelt to be properly expressed, Subaru felt...overwhelmed. To be cared for this much, and to realize that he... reciprocated... It made him feel warm. Not exactly whole... He knew Seishirou would always take up a certain, large part of him, but...
...But he felt...content. At peace. Wonderful. And his cheeks were wet, and he tasted salt on his lip, but it didn't compute that he was actually crying. He couldn't even seem to move... He was just standing there, staring down at him.
How is it possible to be so happy finally, only to know that now is when I deserve it the least?
Ranmaru drew back, concern lining his gaze when he saw the first trails of tears slip down the other's warming cheeks,and then, it turned into understanding. He found himself smiling weakly, then he raised his hand to gently wipe those tears off one cheek and then, he took Subaru's face in both his hands, standing on slight tiptoe to gently kiss over his eyelids.. then under his eyes.
Even if just for a moment..
Under one eye.. then the other..
Just for the shortest breath..
Trailing over his cheek with his lips, touching his tongue gently to the tears..
Please let me love you until you need nothing more from me..
And gently following the tears to his lips, Ranmaru whispered his confession in a silent breath, before touching his lips to Subaru's and sliding a hand into his hair, the other circling around Subaru's shoulders, onto his back, and drew him closer. He drew back, then whispered aloud, "... you deserve nothing less than what you can have and more.. Subaru-san.."
Subaru's lower lip trembled a bit, and with a choked gasp, he wrapped his arms tightly around Ranmaru's waist, hugging him tightly against his chest while he shakily kissed his forehead, his ear, and his neck.
"S-sorry, I... I just..." I can't understand how you or Kamui can feel so strongly for me. Both of you deserve much better than me. And yet...
If only I could make Kamui happy, and find a way to stop feeling for Seishirou-san, it could be perfect, but... there is no way everyone can be happy.
"I'm just... Thank you... Thank you..." he whispered huskily before kissing his throat and giving him a light tug to guide him back to the futon.
Ranmaru was surprised with the desperation Subaru displayed in his response, and he shivered lightly at the kisses, eyelids fluttering shut at the tender kisses, the passionate hold and the need with which he expressed his gratitude. It made his own heart ache, yet it allowed it to flutter, and he re-opened his eyes, allowing himself to be tugged along to the futon, and once they neared it, he folded his fingers into Subaru's top, tugging him down as Ranmaru knelt on the futon and pulled him along with. It pained him to see tears in Subaru's eyes, but he promised himself that he'd never allow the chance again.. not on his part.. and sliding his arms back around Subaru's shoulders, he drew him closer, capturing his mouth in kisses soft and affectionate in their wake and then moved his face into the side of Subaru's neck.
"Subaru-san.." he whispered against it, trailing his lips over it. ".. don't thank me.. not when you've given this person the greatest joy he doesn't deserve.." sliding a hand into Subaru's hair, Ranmaru drew back to gaze into his eyes, gently touching his cheek and smiling at him.
Fool... Of course you don't deserve me. You deserve more.
But he was still feeling much too dazed and distracted by the previous kisses to think much of his thoughts, and instead turned his head to dot tender kisses of his own from Ranmaru's palm to the inside of his wrist when he finally glanced up to remember that the door was still open. Kamui was living with them again, after all, so this behavior would have to remain behind closed doors.
For once in his life, he was almost grateful for the power increase the recent addition of the Tree offered, and whipped his hand out and concentrated, the door slamming shut with an ofuda pinned to the center.
Then he was able to relax again, circling his arms around Ranmaru's waist, feeling surprisingly playful now, as he tugged the boy on top of him as he relaxed back, tucking his longer hair behind his ears while he initiated a drawn out kiss before murmuring, "You should stop taking words out of my head. It's disconcerting."
Ranmaru watched in wonder when the door closed, impressed by the display of power, before realising why Subaru did it, and he let out a startled laugh, moving an arm to his side to support himself from putting his entire weight on the older onmyouji and returned te kiss, cheeks flushing crimson when they pulled back. Then, with a bemused smile, he tilted his head to a side and poked noses with Subaru, smiling gently as he slid his free hand down, over Subaru's chest.*
"... your thoughts are so loud, Subaru-san. How can I ignore them?" he replied calmly, fingers playfully tracing over the edge of Subaru's shirt and then, in a show of mischief, the darkhaired boy smirked, sliding his hand under it, playing across the skin and lifting the shirt up slightly. "It's not as if Subaru-san hides them from Ranmaru.." warmth. Spreading through his fingers, he brushed them over Subaru's chest, over his right nipple and at the same time, he moved his face into the side of the other's neck, kissing the skin gently.
"You're beautiful, Subaru-san.." he whispered in a heated breath, kissing the skin again, with a light graze of his teeth before he licked the area.
Let me bring you pleasure, as you deserve to well..
The teasing, along with the compliments, were utterly killing Subaru in embarrassment, and he hoped his blush wasn't as plainly obvious as his thoughts seemed to be.
The touch beneath his shirt made his skin tingle, and as warm as Ranmaru's mouth was against his throat, all it did was draw out a shiver and a shaky breath as he rubbed his cheek against Ranmaru's silken hair lightly.
"You don't need to be...so formal with me...during moments like this... Ranmaru..."
Subaru wondered if the young man could even hear his voice over the loud pounding of his heart that seemed to echo in his own ears.
Subaru was still older than him, so the thought of being informal in any way made the boy feel as though he was treading on a space of impropriety. However, when Subaru spoke his name, and he felt his face against his hair, the shaky, needy breaths releasing close to his ear, Ranmaru found himself growing further in need. Trailing kisses over Subaru's jawline, Ranmaru further lifted Subaru's shirt and broke away from teasing his neck and urged the other to pull free of his upper clothing, then giving him a warm smile, he lowered his face to kiss Subaru's mouth again, parting his lips open with his own, before capturing his mouth fully in a deep, heated and passionate kiss, taking a nipple between thumb and forefinger, and caressing it-- and slid his tongue into the onmyouji's mouth, rubbing gently against his own.
It was strangely sensual, vividly erotic, and all around arousing, and to see Subaru so responsive was a compliment in itself.
Breaking the kiss, Ranmaru first positioned himself in a way that he would be able to lay over Subaru without pushing his weight onto him, and he gazed at hm with coy silver eyes.
"You're still older than me.." he whispered, kissing Subaru's cheek gently. Lingering there, he whispered, "... would you like me to..?" call you by your name.. kissing over Subaru's earlobe again, Ranmaru whispered near it. "Tell me what you want from me.."
The heat had certainly spread, and his entire body was now flushed with desire he normally tried to hard to suppress as he found himself matching Ranmaru's kiss with his own eagerly, and he realized that his own breaths seemed a little less labored as the kiss drew to a close--though he was still panting to some degree.
That realization was what made him wonder... When was the last time he'd had a cigarette?
"Wha...?" he muttered out softly, as if not computing what was being asked, just as he was trying to undo the sash around Ranmaru's waist. Then he actually heard, and he let his head fall back to his the pillow. At first, he was so embarrassed he could only stutter.
"I... I-I..." WHY was he stuttering? He was an adult, and plenty of years older than Ranmaru. This was ridiculous.
Still, Subaru's voice was remarkably quiet as he gazed up at him, pulling the sash free with one hand while letting the knuckles of his other caress along his thigh. "Y-yes... I just want to know you're enjoying it."
The boy's confident expression wavered for that moment to something more needy as his robes parted open without much difficulty and the brush of Subaru's hand against his thigh didn't exactly help the boy in controlling his expression, which turned into a rather visibly wanton expression, the blush on his face spreading over his cheeks and he let out his response in a gentle whisper. "More.. than you know..." he let his robes fall back, over his shoulders, but he didn't pull free of the sleeves and let himself appear the mischievous vision of invitation, before smiling at Subaru's flustered reaction.
"... It's warm, Subaru-san.." he whispered, going back to kissing the side of Subaru's neck, then beginning to slide down, laying gentle kisses over the other man's collarbone..
He was so innocent sometimes, despite them having done this a lot, and he smiled a bit, moving his face back to gaze at him and brushing his fingers over his chest idly, simply wanting Subaru to experience as much pleasure as he could give him.
If this was what it was like to feel joy and satisfaction, then Ranmaru would gladly give it to this man..
Until the end of his time here.. I'll protect him with all I have.
He vowed it. And with that.. he let the warmth take them into it's embrace..