[Complete] Subaru and Ranmaru - Explanations

[elegantorchid.livejournal.com]

When; Now
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Subaru [ikigainashi], Mori Ranmaru [elegantorchid]
Summary; After the events with Tatsumi earlier, a very shaken Ranmaru returns to find comfort in Subaru's arms.. but will Subaru's envy cast more doubts into their relationship?
Log;

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Kakyou's words would not leave him. Suppose he weren't coming back.

Just suppose.

Another half-spent cigarette was flicked down to the ground of the balcony as he paced back and forth for the umpteenth time in the last 24 hours. When he couldn't take pacing anymore, he pulled out yet another cigarette to light it, and leaned back against the railing to gaze outward at the setting sun.

He has been gone for a full night and day now. What if he isn't? Should I seek him out? But he said he would come back...

Hanging his head, one arm draped over the railing, Subaru exhaled rather loudly and shut his eyes. Nothing could ever be nice for very long. Something always had to ruin it.

He was exhausted. Frightened, perhaps. Fearful.. troubled. Tatsumi-san had asked him if he wanted to be escorted, but after a while, Ranmaru couldn't take it and apologised, and said he'd be able to make it on his own. And he'd run.. as best as he could in his state. There was also the fact that he didn't want to invite him inside if he allowed the escort, though Tatsumi had come as far as to have been able to be seen from Ranmaru's home balcony. Once the boy was sure he was alone, he leaned against the wall, kneeling down. His hair was open, strange for the boy who was usually so proper, and clothes tightly worn as though he was trying to cover injuries, and his walk was slightly shaky. His gloves were still on, though, and for the most part, the bruising from the tentacles on his legs and wrists were hidden..

Once he was sure he could move again, Ranmaru entered the house, removing his shoes, making sure to keep his ankle-warmers on to hide the bruising, and looked around.

Where is he..?

By this time, Subaru had almost completely finished off his last pack, and the scent of tobacco was heavy on him as he finally stepped back inside.

The back door slid shut, and he looked up just in time to see Ranmaru wandering about, as if searching for someone. Probably him? He saw his face, and almost began to smile in relief, but he couldn't help but take note of his disheveled appearance and his gait.

Subaru's eyes clouded once again, but the concern was visible as he walked over. "Ranmaru-san... I was afraid you might not return."

Ranmaru started a bit when Subaru began to speak, and he froze where he stood. Subaru-san was going to ask questions, wasn't he? He had to appear normal, so this could spoken of gently. However, on seeing the other man, his relief and then his worry, Ranmaru felt his heart sink. No, Subaru-san didn't deserve this worry, and he decided he had to tell him, regardless. A blush coloring his cheeks, Ranmaru then shook his head. "That is not possible.. Ranmaru would never leave you alone.. Subaru-san.."

Almost instinctively, his hand went to rub the opposite upper arm and he lowered his head. "Ranmaru is sorry for making you worry.." he whispered, realising his voice was shaking.

The trembling voice of Ranmaru's did not go unnoticed. Ranmaru was showing several signs of trauma, and it was making Subaru...almost...angry. He hadn't felt this angry in quite some time.

Of course, this anger was not directed at Ranmaru, and he figured he ought to hear the story before making snap judgments.

Reaching out, he rested his hand against Ranmaru's lower back and attempted to guide him towards the main room's couch. First, he needed to get him to sit, and make sure he was comfortable as could be.

"Do... Do you want anything? A blanket? Something to eat? Or tea?"

He wasn't sure what it was that he was experiencing, but what he did know was that he didn't like feeling it. He was scared, something that the warrior normally so brave just wasn't.. but it wasn't a fear of not being able to face something. It was a fear of what could happen, if anything harmed him.. and if he couldn't take it.

As soon as he was made to sit down, however, Ranmaru's hand went to clutch Subaru's, and before he knew what he was doing, his other arm went around the other's shoulders, face burying in his chest and he just held him, as though he was hiding, or attempting to. He wasn't crying, he'd cried enough, but..

"Subaru-san wont hate Ranmaru, right..?" he asked in a small voice. "Ranmaru doesn't want Subaru-san to suffer again.."

The more Ranmaru spoke, the more upset Subaru felt. What had happened? What had happened that he had been unable to stop? It took all of willpower to not demand the truth from Ranmaru.

Instead he simply held him tightly. "Hate is not something I could ever feel for you, Ranmaru-san. Please tell me what you mean. Who hurt you? I thought you were with Tatsumi-san, and he is your friend."

But Subaru did wonder why he was with him all night, and why he had been vague on what had happened. Subaru couldn't help the small pang of jealousy he felt at that thought.

Held in Subaru's arms the way he was, Ranmaru felt a hint of relief, his voice still shaking. Making sure Subaru didn't go anywhere, Ranmaru kept his head lowered as he drew back and his arms around the other's back. He wasn't certain how to go about it, but it was just.. heartbreaking. Strange and painful. At the mention of Tatsumi-san, Ranmaru nodded. But then, he moved forward so he could lean his forehead against the other's collarbone.

"Tatsumi-san.. revealed something to Ranmaru, about someone trying to hurt Subaru-san.." he spoke in a low voice. ".. He said.. he knew a way to stop it.. but for that.. Ranmaru would.. would have to..." his breath hitched and he moved closer to Subaru. ".. Subaru-san.." he was shivering now. "... Ranmaru doesn't.. doesn't want you to be hurt like that.. "

Suddenly, Subaru was doubting Tatsumi's integrity. Or perhaps, he had come under a curse, and Ranmaru had not been able to see it? It seemed much too odd that Ranmaru's supposed friend would do something this damaging to the boy in order to help save Subaru, who Tatsumi hardly knew.

"...What did he make you do? Ranmaru... What did...you do..."

For him. Ranmaru had caused himself distress in order to supposedly protect Subaru? It was sickening. Subaru was hardly worth this sort of trouble, especially when he couldn't understand what Ranmaru meant. Someone trying to hurt him? Who?

Seishirou? What else was new? Though at this point, he was certain Seishirou had rejected him in turn, and never even gave him a passing thought.

The fear of losing Subaru was too great, though the fact remained that thanks to Ranmaru's death, there was a very good chance Ranmaru would in fact be left behind. Thinking about it nearly broke Ranmaru's heart and he moved his face under Subaru's face, lips against his throat and inhaled his scent.

".. someone Subaru-san trusts.. and has known for a long time.. is a traitor. Ranmaru isn't sure who.. Ranmaru doesn't want to doubt anyone. But.. " he inhaled a shivering breath. "Subaru-san, you.. Ranmaru doesn't want you to suffer in silence. Ranmaru trusts you too.. " he raised his gaze, his silver eyes filled with worry.

"But to think people still want to hurt you.. Ranmaru.. Ranmaru doesn't know how to take it.." he inhaled softly, then kept his eyes lowered. ".. Tatsumi-san's never acted like this before.." his expression sank into a somewhat solemn look.

"Someone who... I've known a long time and trust?" Subaru's brow furrowed as he thought that over. There weren't many people in the City who could claim such things. There was Seishirou, but it was no secret that Subaru did not trust him.

...For once, he was grateful that Kamui was out.

"...You don't mean Kamui...? How exactly could he betray me, Ranmaru-san? It is I who betrayed him." He sat back to cup Ranmaru's face, intent on meeting his gaze while speaking. Maybe that would help him understand a little more.

"And even if something like that were happening, how would Tatsumi-san know about it? From how strange he was acting around me, and it's obvious he has upset you... I'm thinking some sort of curse must have affected him. And you, Ranmaru, what did... What did he do to you? What foolish thing did he have you do in order to supposedly protect me?"

Once he met Subaru's gaze, it was harder to turn away for fear of appearing rude. And for that while, Ranmaru couldn't help but continue to look into the face of the other man and feel a deep sense of sorrow.. why did such good people suffer so much? Moving his hand to Subaru's cupping his face, Ranmaru looked into his eyes pleadingly.

"It.. didn't seem like he was cursed.. although, now that Ranmaru thinks about it.." he lowered his gaze. "He did seem a bit strange, and Jan-san's brother was.." he paled slightly, feeling tears rise in his eyes and he quickly blinked them back. Looking back up at Subaru, he spoke, "He said.. he made a deal with Seishirou-san.. and that he would ask the same of me, if Ranmaru wanted to save you.." he swallowed, and held Subaru's hand tighter, shivering, too ashamed to say the next words, but Subaru deserved the truth.

Slowly, he began to narrate the details of all that had gone on between them about the deals, about the possibilities of who would harm Subaru and all that had been discussed at the dinner, and once he was done.. Ranmaru went silent, keeping his gaze lowered. He'd mentioned nearly everything, and his reasonings and thoughts, and once done, he then waited, before speaking in a small voice..

"In exchange.. Ranmaru was to allow him.. and those shadows.. those dreadful shadows.. to.. to.." he couldn't finish. He was crying. ".. they were so frightening!! So frightening, Subaru-s-san.."

Subaru truly felt ill by the time Ranmaru was through explaining. His emotions were so jumbled that he couldn't even begin to discern them. Was he angry, sad, scared? In a sense he felt betrayed, but he couldn't pinpoint exactly why.

"He...you... Ranmaru, no..." In truth, he wanted to pull away, knowing that Ranmaru had allowed himself to be touched like that for his sake. But seeing him in tears, and obviously terrified, Subaru felt the need to soothe him, so he wrapped his arms back around the younger boy and held him tight, resting his cheek against the top of Ranmaru's head.

"...To make a deal with Sakurazuka Seishirou is to condemn yourself, Ranmaru. As a child, I hadn't a clue, but you know what sort of man he is. Even if you were to do such a thing in order to protect me, he would find a way around that if he ever wanted. And if Tatsumi-san would hurt you...treat you like that, supposedly for your own well-being, then I think perhaps he is not somebody you should interact with anymore. He has hurt you... He..."

His eyes shut tightly, and he found himself choking on his own words. "And indirectly, Seishirou-san has hurt you. This is how he likes to work. Please...don't... Tell me you won't do that again. Never do something like that for me. It would never make me happy to have someone else touch you, or cause you pain, or anything of the sort. Seishirou-san is someone I have dealt with all my life. I can continue to do so, and you shouldn't try to interfere. It only hurts you."

When Subaru embraced him that way, Ranmaru certainly felt useless. A good warrior would have been able to keep his emotions in check and not even revealed anything was wrong-- but in a way he felt that by not telling Subaru, he'd be betraying his trust and he didn't want that. When you loved someone, you confided in them.. no matter how silly or important things were. However, the tears were more due to the fact that he knew despite doing this, things were futile-- and everything Subaru said about Seishirou were things Ranmaru knew and had felt already when Tatsumi took him. It wouldn't change anything and he was doing this for a pointless purpose.

But held by Subaru the way he was now, Ranmaru only held him back tightly, afraid that if he let go, he'd disappear. "Forgive me.. please forgive me. Ranmaru was so swept away by his emotions that he didn't think twice.. how foolish of me.." he whispered, nestling his face in the side of his neck. "You shouldn't have to deal with him.. he isn't even the one you loved.. Subaru.." he hiccuped softly. ".. It's not fair that you'd hurt yourself too.. why can't they just leave us alone? Ranmaru wouldn't hurt any of them, neither would you.. why is it so bad to simply be happy..?"

With a sigh, he shook his head a bit, nuzzling Ranmaru's disheveled hair as a result. "I don't quite...understand, but... It sounds like Tatsumi-san was using reasoning that Seishirou-san would have given. It all could have been lies to lure you in and upset you, and he succeeded. With how strange everyone has been acting, I can only guess that he adopted some of Seishirou-san's...skills..."

That made his heart feel like lead. How was he supposed to deal with this? He couldn't very well punish Tatsumi, who had simply been acting under a curse.

Then should he go after Seishirou, when there was no proof that he had directly caused this?

"...I don't know... I don't quite know what to do. But I doubt Kamui is betraying me, and I doubt Seishirou-san would think of harming you. He should know that if he did, he would have to deal with me once more. I just...am confused, and I... I don't like knowing that you would put yourself in harm's way like that. I don't want to worry now every time you go out..."

"Stay with me." The answer was as simple as they came. Either way, being harmed was nothing Ranmaru wasn't used to and he looked up at Subaru after drawing back a little, cheeks splashed with pink thanks to the heat from his tears and looked into his eyes, hiccuping slightly. ".. All Ranmaru knows is that Tatsumi-san would never say anything without reason. He never mentioned names.. Ranmaru isn't certain.. but.. it doesn't hurt to be careful. He told Ranmaru that.." he swallowed. "That he had been intimate with Seishirou-san.. to do the same for his comrades.. and he confided in him for some reason." it troubled him too, to hear that, but he figured, even under a curse, Tatsumi under a Seishirou-like influence would.. at the very least, be telling the truth, even if it was to twist to his needs.

Moving his hand back, Ranmaru touched Subaru's cheek gently. ".. Ranmaru doesn't want you to harm anyone. Ranmaru.. just wants you to be content.. untroubled.. to be able to do anything for you is done with pleasure." he exhaled softly. ".. You must think Ranmaru so dirty now..."

Tatsumi had been intimate with Seishirou, as well? Really, Subaru had to wonder who Seishirou hadn't slept with at this rate. And every time, it was due to some manipulation, he was sure.

"No, Ranmaru. I don't think you're dirty. I think you were tricked, and as frustrated at you as I want to be, all I can think is that I'm relieved you're back and safe. I don't care that you believe you can undergo any amount of pain because you're a warrior... To me you're just Ranmaru, and no matter your reasons, it will always hurt when you're in pain."

Subaru pulled away and reached up to tuck back the boy's hair. "Why don't I draw you a bath and make you some tea. It should make you feel more at ease."

Drawing back as well, Ranmaru slowly slid his hands down to Subaru's chest, trying to compose himself and sniffing to himself. Then, wiping his eyes by the back of his hand, he then looked up and met Subaru's gaze again, and gave him a weak nod. "..if it's not too much of a bother.." his cheeks began to color heatedly as he glanced down though, at his gloved hands. ".. Tea.. would be nice." however, then, he raised his gaze and smiled gently at Subaru.

".. You've been awake all night for me too.. a bath will do you good, Subaru-san." his ears went red when he spoke the next words. "... could we.. bathe together.. then?"

His smile was a bit forced, and hardly visible, but he was trying very hard for Ranmaru's sake. He knew that Ranmaru didn't need to see him upset right now. Right now Ranmaru needed comfort.

But still, Subaru... He couldn't help the way he was feeling. He had questions, but they were private, and things that he would never actually ask. Ranmaru's private life was...none of Subaru's business.

"Ah, I... I took a bath already today. But I'll go draw yours and then make some tea." He gently stroked Ranmaru's cheek before looking away and standing to head off towards the master bath.

His smile faded when Subaru began to move away, recognising that look. It was the same look Mitsuhide-sama had given him when he was uncertain how to ask if the rumors about Ranmaru being Nobunaga's wakushudo lover were true, and he felt his heart sink in his chest. That was the main reason they'd had the problems they'd eventually faced.. because Ranmaru had been uncertain, and Mitsuhide too envious to ask.

Almost instantly, he was on his feet, and as Subaru moved away, Ranmaru moved up behind him and quickly wrapped his arms around Subaru's waist from behind, burying his face in the back of his chest.

"... is there something you wish to ask, Subaru-san...?" he asked in a soft whisper. Best to get it out now than to let it fester.

He froze at that, though he didn't have much of a chance to do anything else. He couldn't very well push Ranmaru away. "...I..."

He wanted to tell him no, and leave it at that. That would be easier. But Subaru was not one to lie. He was not Seishirou. Never would be.

Odd how he could supposedly kill in his place, but not lie.

"...It is not my place, Ranmaru-san. Your life is your own."

"Ranmaru's life is also one Ranmaru spends with Subaru-san, as his.." he replied quietly. He didn't need to elaborate, being marked as Subaru's prey was one thing, but Ranmaru had given Subaru his reasons. He loved him, and while he was under no urgent need to have Subaru reciprocate those feelings, he didn't want there to be misunderstandings that would destroy the chance forever. Ranmaru wasn't one to insist that Subaru felt the same way as him; he was under no obligation just because Ranmaru felt a certain way.

Releasing him, Ranmaru moved in front of Subaru, taking his hands in his and raising his gaze to meet the others' once more.

"You are free to ask what you wish, Subaru-san. Ranmaru will answer."

His sigh was a heavy one as he gazed down at Ranmaru. Truly, things were confusing for him. He knew that he felt very strongly for Ranmaru, in a way that was different from Kamui...but it was also different from Seishirou, so it was difficult for him to understand.

The last thing he wanted to do was make Ranmaru feel bad, but he knew if he refused to ask now, the young warrior would only feel worse.

"...I understand that...what you did, you did for me, and I never want to hear of you doing something like that again just for the sake of someone else. But I just find myself curious if...you would have done it...even if if he had not used manipulation."

And what if? This was why Subaru insisted it wasn't his business. He had no right to be jealous. No desire to control Ranmaru's 'life'. So then why was he feeling like this...?

The question was something he partly anticipated and was partly surprised at. Expected, because he knew that there would be issues-- had Subaru-san gone and slept with someone, even under manipulation, Ranmaru would wonder the same thing. And it was the same thing Mitsuhide-sama had thought, even though he knew and Ranmaru had assured him that his heart was his. Yet even then the seeds of doubt had been planted and it had torn them apart.

So, as soon as Subaru had asked he question, Ranmaru allowed some silence to pass, and lowered his gaze, shifting close and then, moving his arms to Subaru's chest, leaning against them and resting his head under Subaru's chin. ".. Ranmaru was foolish.." he whispered. "To have allowed such words, so convincing and yet so assuredly wrong, to cloud his thoughts.." he slipped his hands to Subaru's shoulders, gently massaging them, before sighing. "... while Ranmaru has been with other people before.." only Kurogane.. " Ranmaru possibly only allowed Tatsumi-san to convince him because he used the guise of a friend.. Ranmaru never wanted him as he took Ranmaru. Never.." he raised his gaze, his eyes filled with earnesty. "Ranmaru will be more careful now.. of everyone. This.. this was where too much trust was placed in the wrong belief." he stood on tiptoe and gently kissed Subaru's lower lip.

".. Ranmaru loves you. Please believe that." he whispered, then moved back to hug him again, his face under his chin. "Subaru-san can ask Ranmaru anything."

Ranmaru's words brought surprising relief in Subaru's heart, and he let his arms drape around Ranmaru's waist so that he could hold him there silently for a long moment, merely enjoying his warmth.

But even still, knowing that Ranmaru hadn't wanted it and had still done it brought him intense sadness. And if this had been because of a curse, he suspected Tatsumi would be feeling unbelievably guilty over it. Subaru probably ought to have a talk with him the next day. But, for now...

"I am sorry for doubting you. But I really can't make any tea if you keep distracting me with hugs," he lightly teased.

Ranmaru felt relieved that Subaru was holding him back and not pushing him away. He was so worried, so tense that Subaru would think him dirty and unworthy of being in his presence, but such wasn't the case.. no, Subaru-san was.. oh Bishamonten, he was so relieved he could cry again, but instead, the boy found himself smiling, and he nearly squeezed Subaru in an embrace. Remaining there until Subaru spoke, Ranmaru managed to release his first laugh since yesterday, and nuzzled under Subaru's throat.

"Tea can always wait.. after all, I have my Subaru-san here.." he responded in kind, pulling back to smile brightly at him, even though he was weary and bruised. A pink flush touching his cheeks, he met Subaru's gaze and grinned weakly. "I.. I think I just want to lie down, but.. my legs feel.. really heavy.."

Yes, perhaps tea and a bath could wait. If Ranmaru wanted to rest, then Subaru wouldn't deny him that necessity. In truth, he was also exhausted after staying awake fretting the entire night.

"Really..." He leaned over a bit to slide one hand further down, and in an effortless sweep, Ranmaru was soon cradled against his chest. "With how much you and Kamui make me worry, it's a wonder I still have any sanity left." Subaru lightly touched his lips to Ranmaru's forehead then, before carrying him to his room.

"Oh!" he released a startled gasp as he was easily lifted into Subaru's arms-- wasn't he heavy? He wondered, and to easy that, he put his arms around Subaru's neck to balance out the weight, hoping he wasn't too much of a bother, and blushing at the given kiss, he allowed himself to be carried to his room.. no, their room, and once Subaru lowered him onto the futon, Ranmaru tugged Subaru back down over him, his head resting on the pillow and looking up at his dark-haired lover.

He didn't say anything, he didn't want to, but he did lean forward and capture Subaru's mouth in a gentle yet deep kiss, sliding his hands into his hair, over the back of his head, even through his gloved hands, and looked up at him, once the kiss was broken, and whispered, "... Rest. Subaru-san needs to, as well."

Ranmaru wasn't light as a feather, but Subaru wasn't weak, either, despite how he probably looked, but the boy's attempt to make it easier was noted and appreciated.

He was taken aback when Ranmaru suddenly pulled him back down and kissed him like that, but he knew he really shouldn't have been. Ranmaru was always doing things like that... And it was always endearing.

Nodding, he wordlessly sat back to pull of his coat, which he folded and set beside the futon before stretching out on his side, letting one arm shyly drape across Ranmaru's waist after pulling the blanket up a bit. Then, he touched his lips to the boy's ear in a pseudo goodnight kiss before shutting his eyes.