Log; Complete

[sciencedaughter.livejournal.com]

When; December 24th, 'I Wish'
Rating; PG-13 for violence
Characters; Nemu {sciencedaughter}, Ulquiorra {eyezen_sama}, and a little Hanatarou {oh_noes_hana}
Summary; Thanks to Nemu's 'I wish' curse, the Arrancar end up with hearts, leaving her with a very volatile and confused Ulquiorra. Not that's she's much clearer about her emotions either.
Log;

Nemu had never imagined something like this would happen. Ever. All she knew was that the curse had ended and she was no longer a child making snow hearts for Arrancar. She'd looked over at Ulquiorra, having still been in his company, and wondered, wished, she knew what Arrancar would be like with hearts. And then, it seemed, the world had come quite close to ending. And so she found herself in the same place, arms wrapped around and very panicked and hyperventilating Ulquiorra, trying in vain, so far, too soothe him.

"Breathe..." She murmured, her own heart pained that she had caused such pain in them. She hadn't meant to... she'd never thought it would happen...

"Slowly and deeply... breathe..." She repeated, trying to think of anything comforting, one hand holding him tightly, since he would randomly struggle, the other stroking the back of his head, one of the only comforting gestures she could think of at the moment.

"That's easy for you to say," he snarled, struggling against her arms as he struggled to make sense of the world. This was not returning to some state of mind he had been without, this was not changing his place in life. This was a struggle within himself. Everything felt conflicted--he couldn't think without second guessing himself, he couldn't function. Nothing made sense anymore and he felt like crawling out of his skin.

"I.. can't.. function like this!"

"... Just... let's try and focus on breathing, alright?" Nemu didn't know what to do, she didn't... for one of the few times in her life, or death, she didn't know how to react, how to deal with someone.

"Let's... talk about how you feel, then." Maybe that would help, if he could somehow express what was going on, with a heart, with feelings.

"... What is making you so upset, besides... just having a heart. What exactly?"

"Feeling?? You have no idea how I'm feeling. I'm being torn apart!" Pressing his the heels of his palms against his eyes, he attempted to control his breathing, the thud of his own forgein heart beat over powering him.

"Nothing.. makes sense. Every choice I have ever made, I question. Every choice I can make from now own.... how will I continue to make them? What am I?"

"... You are Ulquiorra, and that is all that matters." Nemu answered, it made sense to her, but she understood his confusion. It had happened to her, when she began realizing she could be apart from Mayuri-sama, feel and be and exist without thinking about him and his wants. But of course, it had been much more gradual for her, whereas this was hitting him all at once.

"And... one thing people with hearts have to learn is that... you can't change what you've already done. You can regret it, if you need to, and learn from it, and then look to your future choices. Those, I think, are the ones to think on. What sort of dilemma presents itself to you now, Ulquiorra?" She was still making small comforting gestures, almost automatically at this point.

"And what is Ulquiorra?" he snapped, tearing away from her to pace back and forth.

"This is not something you can just.. f.. fix. Everything is wrong! I am not supposed to be like this. I am at war with myself."

"Ulquiorra is Ulquiorra." Nemu stayed where she was, sitting on the floor with legs akimbo, arms limp at her sides, following him only with her eyes, though her gaze tended to drift to the floor in feelings of guilt.

"... Just like Nemu is Nemu." She bit back another apology; he'd said he didn't want any of those.

"... Maybe if you gave me a specific battle I could help you sort it out...?" She offered timidly, trying not to let her sorrow for wishing such a thing interfere.

"There is no specific battle. You may have a specific.. attribute that allows for a heart, but this is different. I was not created to have a heart! Without a purpose.." Feelings, like a wave, continued to over come him. Threatening to consume him. He couldn't fight it, just like he couldn't fight he erratic reactions to her seemingly innocent attempts at helping him. The realization hit and he leaned back against the wall weakly.

"I am a purpose. I am a means to an end.... I.. am just.. nothing."

"... I was that, too." She murmured, slowly scooting over to where he'd slumped against the wall. She didn't touch him, as he'd broken from her once already, but she got closer, just... she didn't know why. In case?

"... I was Mayuri-sama's creation. His daughter that he could brag about, to use as an example for his brilliance and his mastery over his art." It was true, though she hurt to admit it.

"And I didn't mind, because that was my purpose, serving him, just as you serve Aizen Sousuke, because that is-" perhaps was. "Your purpose." She paused, swallowing hard, before continuing.

"... But here... there are other things. There's more to everything and... ways to be... to learn... more about oneself that don't... the parts of you that you didn't think you had... that don't belong to anyone but you." It was true that she'd never considered herself her own being until coming to this City. Until she was separated from Mayuri-sama and realized that even without him, she'd still exist.

"If Aizen Sousuke died today, Ulquiorra would still be Ulquiorra, and that would be something..."

"No… no… no..." he said, shaking his head and feeling the odd lack of weight from his mask. His mask was such a part of him, he felt like he had lost an arm.

"It's different, you dont understand." Even without the chains that had used to bind Nemu, she had had a heart from before. She had been more human than any Arrancar. She had delt with hearts and their consiquences. But he? This was beyond his comprehension.

"I... I feel so weak..."

“You don't need to be strong right now..." It was the only thing she could think to say, though she didn't know if it would be well received or not. She drew closer, though her instincts told her to draw back. The Arrancar looked dangerous, confused... he might lash out, and she was nearest. But... she wasn't afraid, either. If he did that, she could not blame him.

"... I will stay with you and no one need know."

"No one need know?" Shaking his head, he stood up, clenching his fists to keep from clawing at his own neck. He could feel the huge drop in his power, feel how without it, the wave of emotions had nothing to stop them from crashing over him. With this conscience, with this doubt and terrible mix of emotions, he no longer felt like he could do anything. And if he couldn't do what he was made to do, then he'd fall apart.

"It doesn't matter who knows. I can't just.. stand still until this is over. I'll break!"


"... Please..." Nemu stayed where she was, tilting her head back to look up at him, which was a change, since she was the taller of the two and was used to having to tilt her gaze downwards. She was going to apologize again, but remembered he'd wanted none of that.

"... Don’t do that..." Her voice was softer than usual, hesitant.

"... Isn’t there anything I can do for you?" This was all her fault, and she knew it. She'd never wanted to cause any of the Arrancar, let alone Ulquiorra, any pain. It was just a passing wonderance. But she'd harmed them nonetheless.

He didn't understand why her speaking like that made him feel.. something like sorrow. It stripped away his anger, made him want to.. to try and think about her position and what he would do. Those thoughts should never have entered his mind.

"There isn't anything anyone can do. I ne... need to..." The anger returned and he clung to it--that, at least, was an emotion he understood.

"I need to see how much power I've lost." He strided to the door and threw it open, looking for somewhere to go. Part of him told him to go to the center of the city--hurt as many as he could, show them all his wrath. But there was that something else that told him that was wrong, it was too cruel. Where could he go…

Nemu sprang to her feet when he went for the door, hurrying after him, wanting, needing, to catch him before he tried to get away. She hesitated only a fraction of a second before laying a hand on his shoulder, firm, but not too tightly of a grip that he couldn't wrest himself away if he tried. She didn't want to seem as if she were... well, she didn't know.

"Ulquiorra, stop, please." She finally said, standing behind him with a strange expression on her face.

"Why?" he snapped, noticing the tree tops of the forest in the distance. He could go there…

"You can't expect me to just... stay and endure this. I can't endure this."

“Because..." She stopped. There were two reasons.

"... I told Aizen Sousuke I would keep you safe." That wasn't the reason she thought was important, however. She didn't know what sort of thing would happen if he tried anything. Without the emptiness fueling his power, without the mask and the hole in his neck...

"... And I don't want you getting hurt."

He innerly cringed at that expression of concern. It called up feelings of responsibility and guilt; it made him feel like he had to respond properly to her, somehow make that concern and worry go away.

"I will not harm myself. That would hardly be conducive to… to... survival."

".... There are dangerous creatures there." She had noticed him looking to the forest, had known what he probably planned.

"If you really need to test your power you may test it on me." It didn't seem strange to Nemu that she could offer such a thing without a second thought, but at the same time she realized his power was vastly diminished, she could feel it, see it.

"... I just need you to stay here." That, however, she could not explain why she said that.

"On you?" He snorted, shaking his head. "Preposterious. Why would I test on you? I have no reason to damage you." And the thought made him feel rather uncomfortable.

"... I would rather you test it on me than risk yourself." It was a simple answer, but... it seemed hard to say.

"That..." Her words somehow shook him, made it difficult to think things through.

"That is unacceptable." Why would she say such a thing? He now wanted to know the reasons behind her words, the emotions. And what emotions that brought out in him.

"... Why?" Nemu didn't know why. She'd been under the impression that, despite the fact that she enjoyed his company and hoped he did not find hers entirely sickening, if he needed or wanted, he would have no qualms about harming her. She was a shinigami and he an Arrancar, albeit an Arrancar who had found himself in possession of a beating heart. And she was confused, which was also strange to her, even as she moved her hand from his shoulder to his arm, gently trying to tug him back inside the apartment and away from the door.

"Because... I..." Ulquiorra growled, pulling away from her again. He couldn't even speak properly in such a state.

"Because I have no reason to. And I do not feel capable of... bringing harm to... anyone today. I feel distinctly... uncomfortable with the idea."

"... Then come back inside, Ulquiorra." She finally said, not making a move to renew their contact. She didn't want to scare him or unsettle him, but with a heart it seemed those two things were not hard to attain, though she tried not to.

"I don't want to." he said, looking around them, frowning.

"I just... I can't stand still. If I do... I don't know what will happen."

"... I don't think you will break if you just stand still." The creation was trying to think of a reason, of anything she could do to get the Arrancar back away from the open door frame.

"... Perhaps... I am not supposed to give you it today, and you may not like that I got something for you..." But she thought the present might be better received if he had a heart, so she figured to try it.

"... but could I give you something?"

"Give me something?" Ulquiorra blinked, his attention pulled away from the outdoors. This was something he was very unfamiliar with. And curious about. Perhaps he could discover the meaning of giving and receiving that held the humans so captive durring this season. Even if that meant feeling it for himself.

"Yes." Nemu's gaze darted from the open door back to her bedroom, where the present set with the others, wrapped in the festive holiday paper that she had been told was required.

"... If you come inside I will give you your present."

Curiosity momentarily taking over, he nodded cautiously, looking back toward the door.

"Alright then.."

Nemu took the moment to close the door, closing her eyes at the sound of the click before smiling softly at the Arrancar.

"I will go get it." She walked back further into the apartment into her bedroom, going directly to the bedside table and opening a drawer. There were several small boxes in colorful wrappings, but she picked up one of the smallest, in plain but pretty white paper with black ribbons. She closed the drawer and returned to the main room, offering the gift with both hands.

"Here you are, Ulquiorra." He'd kept insisting to her that he needed nothing and that the practice was senseless, but she had gotten him something anyway, that she hoped he would at least find practical.

Blinking at the little gift, he pulled off the wrapping quickly, frowning at the cloth underneather. He wasnt sure if he'd ever have use for it, but.. somehow the gesture made him feel better. It was odd--why should this little thing make him feel somehow.. greatful?

"I... appreciate it."

"When you're mask comes back you can polish it, it will be very aesthetic." Nemu mentioned, relieved that she had someone managed, whether through distraction or some other method, she did not know, to calm the Arrancar male down. She was also very pleased, though she tried not to let it show, that he did not hate the gift.

"See... isn't this better?" She referred to his mood, that he was no longer frantic, no longer panicking.

"I… suppose." he murmured, staring at the cloth. But he still didn't feel completely calm--instead of feeling fulllfilled with a heart, he felt still unnerved.

"But I cannot feel right like this. I cannot feel... normal like this." But she didn't understand. And it was painful in a way to think of it that way. It was not her fault--she was only trying to help.

He didn't look very well, still. And she supposed that was only natural, but... she did want to help. "You don't... want to talk... about it? Or... anything?" Nemu couldn't really think of anything else, so she stuck to what she had.

Shaking his head, Ulquiorra sighed, not sure how to communicate the feelings he himself didn't understand.

"I don't think I can talk about it. I don't understand it myself."

At a loss of words for the moment, Nemu decided she'd rather not just stand there in front of him. She wanted to sit down, at least. Taking the few steps to the couch she sat, thought about it for a minute, and then patted the cushion beside her.

"We can talk about something else." Which only served to remind her of the things she had told Grimmjow Jaggerjack when she had been cursed to speak only the truth. ... That had been... perhaps even mildly embarrassing. Nemu had never been embarrassed before. But recalling what had been said... no that was certainly not blood rushing to her cheeks at the thought.

Ulquiorra ignored the offer of the couch, pacing up and down the length of the room. Focusing on walking took some of the stress away.

"Something else? About what? What do you want to talk about?"

Shrugging slightly, she relaxed her sitting position a little, since she didn't have to worry about taking up space on the couch.

"... I don't know. We can talk about anything." Nemu didn't really know... she hadn't really done anything noteworthy lately, she supposed, besides visiting Cal, participating in the Christmas rituals with Ulquiorra, and surveying the population of the City about love. Which... perhaps that could be of interest? He had a heart now, in addition to the fact that it had been research. Perhaps she should mention it, then, since it could be piquing.

"I surveyed the City population on the emotion love recently. I could share my results, if you'd like."

Eyeing her warily for a moment, he shrugged. Any conversation about love and the issues of the heart made him very uncomfortable.

"I suppose."

"Very well." She rose from her seat and retreated into her bedroom again, coming out with a notepad that was covered in notes in a very small, fine, hand.

"I surveyed the populace and received results from eighteen people. Nell Tu, Cobray Gordan, M.O.M.O., Matsumoto Rangiku, Aizen Sousuke, Yggdrisil, Yotsuba, Rosiel, Hinamori Momo, Mars, Vala Mal Doran, Guy Cecil, Cal Thompson, Yuan,, Kurogane, Subaru, Jan Valentine, and Grimmjow Jaggerjack. The question in particular was 'What is love if we assume it is not merely pheromones used to secure the survival of a species?'" Nemu's voice took on a proffessiona air as she read aloud.

Ulquiorra continued to pace, frowning slightly. Curious that so many people had different ideas. So which was the correct opinion? Which person had the right way of seeing the emotions of love? Was anyone correct?

"Nell Tu thinks you don't need a reason to be in love, and that you love people you have fun with." Nemu began, index finger following her notes as she read them.

"Cobray Gordon has no idea what love is. The creation M.O.M.O says love is a basic dimension of human experience that is variously conveyed as a sense of tender affection, an intense attraction, the foundation of intimacy and good interpersonal chemistry, willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another, and as an ineffable sense of affinity or connection to nature, other living beings, or even that which is unseen. It manifests itself in feelings, emotion, behavior, thoughts, perception and attitude. It influences, underlies and defines major patterns in interpersonal relationships and self-identification." Nemu paused to look up and nod, adding, "I thought that one was most astute.", before continuing.

"Matsumoto Rangiku says love is different for everyone. That it's a state of mind that makes people foolish." There was another pause as Nemu flipped the page. "Aizen Sousuke says love is a weakness of the mind that sentient creatures use as a psychological defense mechanism against the negative pressures they are under. Yggdrisil thinks love is a delusion, and Yotsuba doesn't know how to say it, but... she loves me." That had been strange to the shinigami.

"Rosiel and Cal Thompson categorize love as an obsession. Hinamori Momo says love is illogical, that you cannot control when it strikes, and that it makes you feel things you never did before. Mars says love is natural, but not for mating. Vala Mal Doran says love is sacrifice, and is about trust and selflessness. Guy Cecil believes love is attraction to parts of others, physical or mental. Yuan believes it to be the cause of war and many other negative side effects." She paused once more to take a breath and turn the page.

"Glinda the Good thinks love is caring for someone when no one else will. Kurogane believes it to be madness. Subaru says it makes people strong and weak. Jan Valentine says it's about taking the good with the bad. And... Grimmjow Jaggerjack." She had a whole page of notes for him.

"He says love is 'idealistic bullshit', and that it’s wanting to protect someone. ... He also thinks you are a 'bigoted asshole'."

So many opinions. Much of them not making a lick of sense to him. Why, if humans were so used to this concept of the heart and love, we're they obviously so confused about it themselves? Ulquiorra once again came to the conclusion that he did not need a heart and the posession of one was most troubling.

"An asshole? He said that?" Anger flared up and he struggled to control it--he couldn't help but react in the most confusing ways. "What right does he have to say such a thing? Weakling!"

Nemu blinked.

"... If it helps, I denied it for you." She had also contributed that Ulquiorra could be egocentrical at times, but she decided mentioning that at this point may not be for the best.

"He also..." She looked down at the notes again, reading the words.

"He doesn't know how I can stand being around you, either. Though I tried to explain to him that it seemed quite natural to me I would feel attachment to someone I had sexual intercourse with."

"It does? And why is that?" He chose to ignore his own emotional response to that memory, not daring to give it any true thought. It would only lead to more confusion. However, her response was interesting. Interesting because he didn't understand it at all.

"Why?" Nemu thought about it.

"... Because it wasn't at all unpleasant, for one thing. Either time." Both times it had happened had been quite... recreational, in her opinion.

"And I cannot deny-" She knew she couldn't deny, considering she'd told it to Grimmjow Jaggerjack while cursed. "- that you are both physically and mentally attractive to me."

Blinking slowly, Ulquiorra had no response. There was a certain thuding pain in his chest that he did not understand, and various foreign emotions swirling around him that only made him confused. Shouldn't it be natural for someone like her to find someone like him attractive? He was not only mentally superior to most but physically as well. There was no reason to find fault in him, and yet his own reactions to her statement were not natural at all.

"Oh." he finaly said.

"Oh?" Nemu smiled.

"Is that all?" She was slightly teasing, after all, she didn't know what to expect from the Arrancar usually, and certainly not now.

"I had assumed that would be a bit of a compliment." The shinigami idly wondered if this was where shame, the thing everyone seemed to think she lacked, should have kicked in.

"I suppose it is a compliment," he said, growing increasingly uncomfortable. What was he doing, talking like this about things he didn't understand. Wasn't supposed to understand. Suddenly he wanted more than anything to be in the company of his fellow Arrancar. Regardless how changed they were because of their new hearts, at least there he wouldn't be plauged with confusing things like these feelings.

"I would-" Nemu stopped in mid-sentence, setting aside her notes and looking very carefully at the Arrancar. He looked... very... what was the word? Awkward?

"... Are you alright?"

"No." he said ubruptly. "And I wont be until this bloody curse is over." He needed to get out, get away before everything came crashing down upon him again.

"I need to leave."

"..." Nemu stood, making her way to stand before the door.

"I can't let you." She said simply. And it was true. Not only because she had told Aizen Sousuke she would watch him, but also because she would rather he be distraught and angry with her than hurt himself or wind up in trouble elsewhere.

Startled by this, Ulquiorra snorted, feeling something of his normal self rising to the surface at her challenge.

"You can do nothing to stop me. Even like this, I am more powerful than you."

"I don't think so." Nemu studied him.

"Aizen Sousuke tells me that your power comes from the lack of emotion. Comes from your hollow souls, from your lack of a heart." It pained her to speak to him like this, but... she would do it.

"I don't think you could even fire a cero blast until tomorrow."

"I do not need a cero blast to get you out of my way. Now move." Now his blood was up and he felt something just as new and strange as the guilt and compassion he had felt earlier; real anger. He felt cornered and unarmed, like an animal in a cage. It was not a feeling he welcomed.

"... I cannot, I am sorry." Nemu did not move, chin rising in a slight defiance. She was not used to defying anyone, never in her life had she done such a thing. But she did it now.

Fight or flight. Flight had never even entered his thoughts, but he was feeling distinctly weakened. It was a terrifying feeling. More over still because he knew that the trash he destroyed on a daily basis must have felt this way. He did not like being compaired to them.

"Move. I will not ask you again."

"... I am sorry, but no, Ulquiorra." Nemu answered again. If it came down to it, she believed that in this state, she could handle him. Tomorrow would be another story, but it was today, not tomorrow.

"I cannot." Her stance had slowly slipped into a squared position, unsure if he would back down or not.

Unsheathing his sword, Ulquiorra pointed the blade toward her. There was a distinct feeling of regret as he did so, but he ignored it. The realization of his weakness was there as well, and it made him more reluctant. And more terrified.

"You brought this upon yourself." he said simply before lunging at her.

Wordless, Nemu realized with a sinking fear that she was unarmed, but she supposed it would be fine. She had been fighting without a sword for many years. And even though he was leveling a zanpakutou at her chest and pressing forward, she still did not wish to cause him harm. This was her fault, after all, her fault her was so confused, so out of sorts, so... overwhelmed by his heart. So instead of striking back, she waited until he'd come quite close before stepping to the side and bringing her hands down hard into the crook of his elbow, trying to force down his sword into the floor.

Ulquiorra was surprised by how strong her strike was, or perhaps how strong his reaction was to it. But he did not lose his grip, turning to raise his free hand and blast energy at her chest. It was weak, not powerful enough to truely damage her, but it was all he could do at the moment.

Nemu only flinched into the attack, almost surprised herself that it did not do more damage. But Aizen Sousuke had told her this would happen, had railed at her about how weak she had made his precious soldiers. She shouldn't have been shocked, but at only seeing a smoke and char on the chest of her clothing she had to admit to being shocked. There would be a hole there if he were heartless. Not letting herself be too distracted, the creation bent a knee, sweeping a long leg in an attempt to trip the shorter man.

Tripping over his feet (an act he would have never experianced normally), Ulquiorra crashed back into the wall with a curse. He really was quite weakened like this. It was almost unreal, entirely out of his relm of expectation. He'd be more interesting in it if he wasn't so scared. Noticing he was close to the door, he lunged for it, desparate for escape.

Frowning, Nemu stepped over the Arrancar, one hand moving to lock the deadbolt. And without another thought as to how to immobilize him, she promptly sat down, effectively pinning him to the floor by sitting square on his lower back.

Snarling, Ulquiorra struggled, unable to move her. Panic began to to set in, something he had never known. It only took a moment of thought before he twisted his arm back and struck at her with his blade.

It was with true shock that Nemu looked down at the blade sticking a good four inches into her chest just below her right breast. ... She should have pinned his arms. Hadn't thought he would be able to get that good of an angle. Hadn't... thought her could swivel his wrist like that.

"Ulqui-" She began, but stopped, one hand going to the blade, pressing against the wound around the steel to stop the bleeding. She did not move, having been created to be able to continue moving and fighting until she dropped dead, having been created to withstand a function failure in case of injury. But the grip in her legs did lessen slightly, and her face was painted with... was it betrayal? Shock? Pain?

In the moment of her weakness, Ulquiorra scrambled free, leaping to his feet to stare down at her with eyes wide. He shouldn't have been so surprised, but the sight of her there with blood dripping to the floor was painful to witness. He had destroyed so many souls, but that thought was so difficult to stomach now.

"I will... send for someone," he said, pushing open the door with an unsteady hand. He thought to take his sword, but it would only cause her to bleed faster.

"This was your fault."

Nemu's mouth opened and shut, stuggling for words. She looked down at the blade still lodged within her chest, knew she shouldn't touch it, and pressed harder against the wound, fingers welling red around the steel.

"D-" She turned her head to cough, feeling blood begin to dribble down her chin.

"Don't-" Where was the blade? She looked down again, eyes wide with a feeling she didn't know. Her lung? Yes, that was where it was. Lung. She could feel the rush of air in the wound with every breath that she tried to steady.

"Please-" She didn't even know what she was saying anymore, speaking with a voice that held a slight gurgle.

"You will not perish. Someone will come." With that, he dashed out the door and down the stairs, not knowing where he was running to, only knowing he had to get away.

It took her a moment to think, to think where she kept that kit. Where was it? Nemu stood on shaky legs, bracing her shoulder against the wall to make it to the bedroom, collapsing back to a sitting position, drawing her zanpakutou close with a bloody hand, for comfort, she supposed. There were the bandages, there they were. Bending over the sword, she carefully withdrew the tip from her body, gritting her teeth at the motion and swell of blood. Carefully, she laid the Arrancar's blade beside her own, hurrying to staunch the blood flow.

She didn't know how long it was, but it was only a few minutes she thought before she was tying the bandage off around her middle, closing her eyes for a moment before standing. Mayuri had created her for this. To be able to take a wound and then continue. And continue she would, though she couldn't at the moment explain why. Reaching down and grabbing both of the swords, then standing. She waited for the world to stop reeling before she was out the door as well, narrowing her senses on the Arrancar's reiatsu, bloody hand clutching his sword and her own. ... He'd gone towards the gardens. And so she headed in that direction as well, shyunpo carrying her quickly as she was able.

Trotting down the street, Ulquiorra struggled to fight off the various emotions invading his conciousness. Guilt, anger, regret, rage, terror--he was not built to handle these emotions. He had no idea how to process them. And there was no escape from them. Hunting out the familiar feel of a Shinigami, he headed quickly toward the one he thought was the healer. It was the least he could do.

He had not gotten far, then. Her feet lightly touched back to the ground, stumbling slightly, but quickly recovering. No time for weakness now. She'd wiped the blood from her lips that moved now.

"Ulquiorra." She called, trying to keep the waver out of her voice that wanted to creep in during her confusion.

Pausing at the stairs that led up to the weak little healer's room, he turned and waited for her to round the corner. She was foolish to follow after such a wound and her insistance made him all the more angry.

"Stupid, stupid Shinigami."

"You choose a stupid sheath for your blade, then." She was trying to harden her voice, harden her emotions, though she still blamed only herself for these turn of events. Nemu held out her arm, the hand that held two blades, one's naked steel digging hungrily into her skin. The bandage was becoming tinged with pink, but she paid it no attention.

"Yes, I did." he snapped, eyeing his blade. He did not trust her to give it back, and so he did not move forward.

"The healer is up there. I suggest you get yourself fixed before you bleed to death."

"What does it matter?" She snapped back. Nemu did not often snap.

"I'm already dead, Ulquiorra. Why bother with healing when I'll be revived within the day?" There was a tinge of anger... or maybe pain, hurt, coming to her face now, instead of the impassive look she was striving for. Wasn't he the one who was supposed to be out of the control of his emotions? Her grip on the blades tightened, his zanpakutou digging deeper into the palm of her skin, a pain that focused her attention from her breathing difficulty.

"Then don't." He took a step back, recoiling at the sight of her anger. This was why hearts were useless--they led to far much confusion and unpleasentries.

"Do not push if you cannot handle the consiquences." He would not appologize. The regret he felt would be over within the day, or else he'd tear the forsaken heart out of his chest to make up it stop.

"... Take your sword back, Ulquiorra." She said suddenly, though instead of proffering it set looped its hilt into the tie of her own, fastening them to her waist tie. She was so confused, torn between anger at him, for stabbing at her, anger at herself, for believe he would do otherwise, and a feeling behind those feelings, that confused and strange feeling behind her eyes she had only seen and felt once before, with Rangiku, and she refused to let such a thing happen. It was bad enough such a thing had happened once, she would not allow it twice.

"Keep it," he snarled, not knowing if he had any use for it. If he was too weak to even fight her off safely, then what good would a sword do him? He'd probably stab himself in the foot. Shaking his head, he turned on his heel and walked away.

"You'll never get it back from me unless you take it now or kill me later." Nemu called after him, still unable to rationalize her actions in her own mind, which scared her. And his answer, what she thought his answer would be, scared her.

"Then I'll kill you later," he called over his shoulder, unnerved by how unsteady his voice was. The whole experiance was driving him a little crazy and he felt exhausted, taxed by the internal warfare he was being subjected to. Why wouldnt it all just go away?

"Are you that scared?" Her voice was beginning to waver as well, though she fought it valiantly.

"Are you that scared of feeling, of emotion?" Her hands had tighened into bloody fists at her side, shoulders hunching.

"What's so scary, Ulquiorra? WHAT?!" The last word was half-shouted, almost desperate and almost not.

Spinning around, he pointed at her, desperate for it to somehow end.

"Yes. Yes, I am terrifed. You wouldnt understand. I have never asked for this, and I should have never had this happen. Leave me alone. I am not meant for any of this!"

"Why not?!" There was true fury in her voice now.

"I wasn't meant for it either, Ulquiorra! I wasn't meant to feel, to express anything! But I am! And it's scary, yes, but... It's real!" One hand had flown to her breast, pressing hard against the wound half to keep herself steady and half to reassure herself.

"It's real, and you can't take it back now!"

"Yes, yes I can." There was nothing he couldn't do. And these emotions--he could reject them, ignore them, never let them bother him again.

"You can't!" Nemu bit back, stepping back to lean against the wall, the two swords clattering against each other as she did so.

"And if you can, come over here and take this sword. Run me through, Ulquiorra, and prove that you can ignore that heart!"

"No." he said, taking another step back. He just wanted to go. "No."

"Can you not do it, Ulquiorra?" Nemu didn't have the faintest idea what she was doing anymore.

"It would be so easy." Her hand rose to the neck of her uniform, dragging the fabric down to reveal the delicate skin of collarbone and between her breasts.

"One quick thrust, you could even do it as you are now." There was something quite off about her eyes, now, something she didn't like.

"Easy. It would be easy. For an Arrancar, yes? A heartless Arrancar? Even one with a heart?"

"Stop it. What are you trying to prove?"

"I don't know, Ulquiorra." She answered honestly, hand still baring the vulnerable flesh.

"I'm still waiting for you to either be done with this or tell me what it is exactly you're afraid of."

"If I tell you, will you leave me be?" He felt as cowardly as a deer, posied for flight, but he could not stay, could not bare to face the sight any longer. The desire to destroy himself was growing stronger and stronger as the minutes dragged on.

"Yes, I will." The answer was steady, just as one hand on both sword hilts was steady and the other baring her flesh was steady. Steady.

"I am afraid... of weakness. Of humanity. Because if I am not strong, if I am not the strongest, then I will be destoryed." He forced the words out between clenched teeth, practically growling in disgust at his own terrible emotional outbursts.

"This heart... means weakness. It means I do not have control any longer. I am control. I am not a person, I am not a Shinigami. I am not even the raging spirit of a wronged soul. I am a tool. Tools are not meant to have emotion. It is tearing me apart."

She knew why he was afraid of weakness, which was easy to understand. As for his mentions of tools, she wanted to refute them, she was one, and she had emotion, but she did not. One thing in particular still bothered the shinigami.

"What's preventing you from running me through right now?" She was slowly slipping down the wall, her bandage becoming more saturated.

"What about me?" And as selfish as it seemed, she wanted, she needed to know. And Nemu knew she'd never get a chance to ask it again.

"Because I would regret it. I know I would regret it even tomorow, when I am free of this cursed heart." She was weakening and he took another step back. It was all her own fault, so why did he feel so guilty?

"I do not know why, but you have become something that I would not like to see harmed." Even though he had harmed her himself.

"That is all I can offer you."

"... Why..." Nemu lowered her gaze, finally slipping in a slumped crouch against the wall, breath coming in shallow gasps now. She thought it may even be better if he would run her through, to end her confusion.

"Why... can't I... you..." She couldn't even finish, fumbling with the strap that held his sword to her waist. It wanted free, she could feel it, and the aura of the zanpakutou was setting her nerves even more on edge.

"Come get your sword, Ulquiorra." She managed between a cough of blood, still trying to undo the knots. It wanted nothing to do with her.

Growling, he marched over, bending down to swat her hands away from the knots and undo them himself. He yanked his sword free from her, unnerved at the blood along the hilt and blade. He was breathing heavily now, wondering just what he should do. Even killing her wouldn't work--she'd just come back. But he could not deal with this now, not like this.

"Go to the healer. Nothing more will come from this blood letting."

He said he didn't want one. But she'd give it anyway. One hand reached for his pant leg, gripping as tight as she was able with palm cut by his zanpakutou.

"If you really hate your heart that much..." She averted her gaze to cough, vainly trying to wipe the blood from her lips with the back of her other hand.

"... then I'm sorry I wished you one."

"I said dont appologize. It is not as though you could have predicted the outcome." He frowned in annoyance--why wasn't she going to the healers? But there seemed to be something left unsaid. After a breif moment, he looked away.

"The thought behind the gesture was innocent enough. It is.. appreciated."

"... thank you, Ulquiorra." Her eyelids fluttered briefly and her head lolled back for a moment before she snapped out of the lapse. Couldn't be doing that now. Breathing was short and shallow, a faint whistling heard behind the bandage round her middle. And her hand had yet to let go off his clothing.

"This is why they are worthless!" he snarled, overcome with annoyance at her actions. Bending down, he grabbed her roughly in his arms and hauled her over his shoulder. He was strong enough for this, at least.



"If you are going to be stupid, then do it where I do not have to take care of the consiquences!" Ignoring any pain he might be causing her, he headed for the stairs, determined to drop her on the door step the the healer.

The quick change in angle threatened to send her back to a lapse, but she tenaciously clung to consciousness, biting back a small cry when his shoulder connected squarely with her wound.

"... Why're you caring?" She managed to murmur into his back, braid hanging down and sword thumping slowly against her head with each step. Rather undignified, if she cared at the moment. And a faint whisper in the back of her mind. He's right. Stupid girl. But that brought a faint smile to her lips even then, and a silent assent.

"I dont know," he replied shortly, cursing under his breath as he marched up the stairs. It was a long way up, but it was not impossible.

"Why are you an incredible fool?"

Finaly he reached the door and with a last burst of strength, kicked open the door, startling the young Shinigami inside.

"Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou!" Hanatarou squeaked, dropping his tea in surprise.

"Take her." Ulquiorra snarled, dropping her non-too-gently on the floor.

"Don't know." She managed to murmur before the door was kicked open.

"Why're you being nice to me?" But then she was wincing, biting her bloody lip upon impact with the ground. She struggled to at least get to her knees instead of sprawled on her side, gaze steadily coming back to his after giving Hanatarou what she could muster of a reassuring smile.

"... I'll bring that cloth by your door tomorrow."

"See that you do." was all he said before marching out the door, leaving a speachless Hanatarou behind.

After a moment, the healer regained his senses and lept to Nemu's aid.