Log, Complete

[monsterepellant.livejournal.com]

When; May 6th, Evening-ish
Rating; PG to PG-13
Characters; Autor freakyfanboy  and Doumeki monsterepellant 
Summary; Unfortunately, Autor got some ideas about sex and that from Greed, and being full of questions, asked some inappropriate ones. So Doumeki tries to answer Autor's questions, much to his slight irritation
Log;

Doumeki Shizuka was not looking forward to this. Why had he agreed to this again? Ugh, who knows. One way or three, he was rather tempted to go make Greed (he had finally learned the name of the guy upstairs) do it himself, but who knew how horribly that would turn out. He let out a small huff of annoyance, the irritation he was feeling barely showing outwardly save for a small furrow between his eyebrows. Well, better now than later. Get it over with and not have to do this again. Yes. Just make sure Autor knows what he needs to know to stop asking questions and move on. Watanuki had caught wind of the fact that Autor was coming over (though not what for), and had left out two cups of tea and a couple snacks for them to munch on.

If Autor could recongize the signs of someone being annoyed, he might have stopped and thought for a moment when he saw Doumeki's expression. But--as anyone who had to field Autor's constant questions could attest to--in his current state, Autor couldn't tell when someone was annoyed to save his life. He followed behind Doumeki, a mostly-blank expression on his face, but his eyes lit up with curiosity.

Why are their doors made out of paper? I never asked. I should ask sometime...maybe I should ask right now?

But if I ask, then Doumeki might not answer my other question...

Autor wasn't exactly sure why, but he had a feeling that whatever this was, it would have to do with an emotion...and he had to regain those. Everyone had said so, so it must be true. So, for the moment, Autor remained silent.

Doumeki glanced up as Autor entered and he nodded, acknowledging the other’s presence. “You have questions.” That wasn’t a question. Damn Greed to Hell and all that. The archer was not pleased in any way, shape or form about this. But then, better he hear it from Doumeki than someone else who didn’t know what they were talking about.

Autor glanced away from the paper doors and looked at the other boy. "Yes. All sorts of questions, actually." He took a deep breath--the kind you do when you have a lot to say--and startted to rattle away. "Like, what does a kiss mean? Is it love, or pleasure, or what? It's a strong emotion, isn't it? If I kissed someone, would I get it back? Or would I have to do more than just that? And what purpose could sex have besides children, anyway?"

Doumeki held up a hand, stemming the flow of questions as he pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers. Great. “One at a time.” he stated with a sigh, plopping down on the couch and sitting Indian-style, and indicating Autor sit next to him.

"Oh. I-I'm sorry." Autor walked over to the couch and sat in the spot that Doumeki pointed out. He pushed his glasses up his nose--a habit that wouldn't die, even with most of his heart missing--and tried to figure out what one question he should ask.

"Okay...I know what a kiss is, but...what does it mean?"

Doumeki let out an irritated stream of curses in his head, but his face was calm and impassive. “It can mean several things. It can be experimental with no feeling behind it. It can just be lust. It can also be for love. Depends on the kiss.”

Hmm. So you can kiss someone without any feeling behind it. So he could kiss someone the way he was now? He mulled the question in his mind for a moment. Did he want to kiss someone? He didn't know, actually...but he knew he wanted to find out if he did or didn't.

"How do you tell the difference?" Autor asked, while trying to remember what the word 'lust' meant. It sounded like 'love', but it must be different if it was used in the same sentence...

The archer folded his arms, leaning back against the couch. “Sometimes it’s easy; sometimes it’s difficult. Kissing out of lust is a type of kissing that usually leads to sex. Kissing out of love doesn’t necessarily lead to sex.” And all of this was said with a straight calm face. Doumeki thought he disserved a medal.

Ah. That's what it was. Lust had to do with sex, but love didn't always have to do with it. But sometimes it did. How confusing...Autor pressed his lips together, trying to sort out the information in his head.

"I see..." He paused for a moment, trying to think of how to best phrase the question. "And sex is...mating, right?"

Doumeki opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it at the last second and closed it, before he opened his mouth, this time to actually speak. “Yes. At it’s basest core. But oftentimes there are feelings attached to it.”

"So it's not just for children, you mean." In the back of his mind, there was a nagging feeling that he should know more about this. But it felt like most of the information relating to this had been blocked off, somehow. Because he didn't have the feelings attatched to it back yet?

"Greed said it felt good," he continued, speaking to himself as much as he was to Doumeki. "Is that the feeling you meant?"

The archer almost—almost—winced. But he didn’t. “...No. Kissing...is different between families then it is between people that are not related.” he stated. “And kissing is supposed to feel good, yes, but that’s not the only feeling. You can kiss someone and have it be only because it feels good. But you can also kiss someone and have it feel good, but also have other feelings attached to it. Like...it almost means something more when you do.” No, definitely not thinking about Watanuki’s lips right now. Nope. Not at all.

"Other feelings?" Autor asked, slightly tilting his head. "Hmm....so....are the two types of kisses physically different? Or only because of the feelings involved?"

“They’re different in both physicality and feelings. Sort of.” Doumeki frowned. Dammit. He was supposed to be a father before he would have to explain this. “A kiss with only the feeling of lust is...something that is just to feel good. A kiss with more than that, if the two people really care for each other—“ Christ, he was sounding like a sap. “—then it has other emotions attached to it than just physical pleasure.”

Autor adjusted his glasses again. He could understand it on one level, but not quite. Lust, love, affection--he understood the words, but he knew he didn't truly understand the meaning. It bothered him--partially because the feeling of curiosity made him wish he could understand it more, and partially because he knew that if he wanted to regain his heart, he'd have to understand it eventually...

He picked the words apart to find what he could understand. So they were different physically....because of the feelings behind it?

"Other emotions like...love, then?" Love. That emotion seemed to be attatched to lonliness, possibly...but that's as far as he could figure it out.

Doumeki nodded in agreement. “Like love.”

That emotion seemed to have a lot to do with kissing...Autor decided that he should try to get the feeling of Love back, if he wanted to understand everything.

"And lust...lust is related to .ex, right? And love...what is love?"

The archer hummed in the back of his throat. A complicated question, needless to say. “Love...is very, very complicated. There are many forms of love, and more than one can apply at once. So...this will be a long explanation.”

Autor raised an eyebrow. There were different types of love? Facinating! He didn't even know that...it seemed like there was only one form of curiosity and lonliness...guilt he wasn't sure about. But he had never thought a feeling could be different depending on the feeling....

"Please explain it to me," Autor said, with what could maybe pass for a brief, excited smile crossing his face before it went blank again. "I want to know. I don't care if it's long."

Doumeki leaned down, retrieving a dictionary that he had left on the table, flipping to the ‘L’s. “Start with a dictionary definition, and I’ll elaborate.” he explained, before finding love and reading the first definition out loud. “Love; noun; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.” The archer sat back a bit, leaning against the couch. “That kind of love is the one that’s most often shared between two people that are not related.”

'Tender, passionate affection. Autor worked to translate the words in his mind. Tender meant...gentle? Passionate....that was a strong emotion. He could remember that, even if he couldn't remember what it felt like. Affection....

There it was again. That brief rememberance of a ruby and pearl necklace. Rubies red like...

Like what?

Autor pushed that memory aside. He couldn't understand that one now. He tried to think of some sort of example he could use for himself...

"Is that like Fakir and Ahiru?"

Doumeki nodded in agreement. “Like that.” Okay, so Fakir might want to kill him later, but the archer really didn’t care that much. “And the next one is this: ‘a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.’ That feeling is more like...what Rue and Fakir feel for each other.” It would make things smoother if Doumeki could relate this to people Autor knew.

Rue and Fakir loved each other? That seemed strange. It seemed like they fought a lot. Fakir would always tell Rue what to do, and she would cross her arms and argue against it. That didn't seem like what love was supposed to be, from what he had seen.

But then again...Fakir told Ahiru what to do, as well. And Fakir treated Autor the same way. Was that how Fakir showed love?

Odd. But possible.

Autor nodded. He was understanding more than he had expected to. "So Rue and Fakir love each other, but not like Fakir and Ahiru."

Doumeki had a distinct feeling that all of the residents of the Opera House were going to hate him after this. “Yeah. Similar emotions, but not the same.”

Autor nodded. That made sense. He didn't know what they were, but he knew that different people made him feel differently. Rue made him feel something different from what he felt for Fakir, and that was different than what he felt for Doumeki, and so on. Everyone made him feel differently. Was this different types of love? Or seperate emotions...?

Autor didn't know, but...maybe he could ask Fakir what he felt of him later.

"I understand, a little."

The archer nodded. “There is sometimes also love that only goes one way.”

"There is? Really?" How odd. Another form of love. But not a shared one...?

Doumeki nodded. "Yes. It's usually of the first kind of love, and it's only felt by one person for another person who does not feel the same way." Dangerous territory here, Doumeki, but...hell, it needed to be said, just in case.

Hm. Odd. For a brief moment, Autor thought he remembered something. A hand against his chest? Stairs?

For some reason...Autor didn't think that was a memory he'd want to remember. Somehow.

Autor took a long sip of his tea, silent, but nodded to show he had heard.

“It’s not an easy emotion.” Doumeki continued, at Autor’s nod. “But it’s one a lot of people experience at least once in their lifetime if not multiple times.”

"It's an emotion that's painful, then," Autor said, more of a statement than a question. "Like guilt. And lonliness."

The archer only nodded in agreement. 'And annoying.' he almost added, but caught himself at the last second. "There's also a person's love for a certain thing or activity. Something they really enjoy doing. Like...Watanuki loves cooking." he stated. That was true; Doumeki knew that well. Which was probably why he hadn't had soap or toothpaste put into his bentos yet.

Oh! Autor...he could sort of understand that, he thought. "Like playing piano or reading or learning. Or...or writing."

Yes. Somehow, he could understand that sort of love.

"Like that.” Doumeki sat back against the couch. “...next question?”

Autor thought for a moment. There was something he had wanted to ask about earlier...something that Vash had said...

Oh!

"Have I ever kissed anyone?"

Doumeki nodded. “There was Mayura. But you both were under a curse.” he stated, cradling the tea in his hands.

Mayura...?

That's right. The pink-haired detective girl. The one that made him feel guilty when he talked to her. She said she wanted to be friends, however, but...nothing else.

"So that was a kiss without emotion?" Autor questioned. "Or was that the sort of love that Fakir and Rue have?"

He new it wasn't like Fakir and Ahiru, somehow. 'Tender' didn't seem quite right.

“It was a kiss with an emotion. But it was one with the emotion of lust. Just lust. Nothing else.” Doumeki replied. “It’s separate from what Fakir and Rue feel and from what Fakir and Ahiru feel.” Kay, so that last part wasn’t exactly 100% true, but the archer did not have a death wish, contrary to popular belief.

Just lust..."So I wanted to have sex with her?" Autor reached out to grab one of the snacks Watanuki had left and took a bite. Was that why she made him feel guilty? But why would it?

“Yeah. Why do you ask?” Hell, with what he was putting up with, Doumeki figured he was qualified to ask a question or two of his own.

Autor hesitated for a moment. He didn't know why, but part of him didn't want to talk about it. "When I think about her, I feel guilty," he admitted. He took a long sip of tea before continuing. "I don't know why. Greed didn't mention anything about guilt."

"Ah.” Doumeki stated in acknowledgement. “Well, there’s guilt involved because it wasn’t how you would normally act if you weren’t influenced by the curse. Neither of you were in control of yourselves, so it’s not really either of your guys’s faults, but...the feeling of guilt is there because if you had had sex, which you didn’t, it would be done without either of your guys’s true consent.

Autor made a mental note in his mind. Sex without true consent was bad. It made you feel guilty.

"So I don't normally feel lust?" Autor asked, trying to figure it out. That didn't seem quite right--when his heart was back, he should be able to feel everything, shouldn't he?

“Lust is an emotion that’s attached more to physicality and physical attraction, rather than love. You may feel lust from time to time regularly, but that doesn’t mean you act on it.” Doumeki would admit, once they started talking, it was okay. Nothing too akward yet.

"So I might feel it...but I don't normally act on it, unless I'm being influenced by a curse day." And the guilt he felt about Mayura came from that. Hm...maybe he should go apologize to her again...

But...

"Why don't I act on it normally?"

Great. Spoke too soon. Doumeki took a breath and steadied himself for what would probably be the harder part of this conversation. “Because lust is what causes people to have sex. And sex is a very...cautious act that...” Crap. “...that most people don’t go about having unless they truly care about the person.”

"So...so even though lust and love are different...." And they were, weren't they? Lust was physical, and love was...? Love...was...? "...Most people won't act on lust without...love? So most people--including me--won't have sex unless they have affection for the person.

"...But I'm not sure if Greed acts that way."

Doumeki shook his head. “No. Greed doesn’t.” he agreed.

"So...Greed is different from most people, then?" Autor paused for a moment, slowly connecting the data he was gaining. If Autor was like most people, but Greed wasn't..."Then what Greed said about sex might not be how I felt about it with a heart."

“Greed chooses what he wishes.” Doumeki stated. “He does because, I’m guessing, it feels good. However, sex creates ties, especially if it’s with someone you’re going to see again. And yes, what Greed said about sex could quite possibly not be how you felt about it with a heart.” All this talking was a lot of work. The archer didn’t think he had spoken this many words in his entire lifetime, often preferring actions to words. Conversation sure was a workout.

Hmm. So, sex is more than mating, and more than just something that feels good, too. Autor made another note of it--it was quite a mental list he was gathering. "So...I was guilty about Mayura because I didn't want that connection, then?"

Doumeki shook his head. “Not that specific connection, no.”

Autor tried to think about it logically. If he didn't want that sort of connection normally, then..."So it probably would be best for me to not have sex until I get the rest of my heart back."

The archer had to resist the urge to facepalm. “Yes. That would be the best course of action.”

Autor nodded, firmly, his mind made up. He wouldn't get the emotion of love back that way, and it might cause guilt. It'd be best to find another way, then. "...I would like to get it back soon, though," he said aloud, in-between bites of his snack.

Doumeki managed to let out a brief, low chuckle at that. "Agreed." he stated, the barest hint of an amused smile curling his normally blank expression as he reached for a piece of pocky, sticking the chocolately end of the biscuit in his mouth and munching on it idly. "Anything else?"

Oh...was that a funny thought? Autor didn't think it was funny, but then again, he didn't think it was unfunny, either. He adjusted the left sleeve of his jacket back out of habit, watching the second hand on his watch tick out the time. "No," he said, as the watch went 'tick-tick-tick-tick'. "I think that's all I wanted to know for now."

The archer nodded, not letting his relief that, for now, the questions about sex were gone. “Good...” He frowned, after a moment. “...Does Rue know you’re here?”

Hm? That was an odd questiong to be asking all of the sudden. "I don't know. Should she?"

Doumeki looked mildly amused. "She's probably wondering where you are. You should probably get back."

"Oh! Yes..." Autor set down his empty teacup and stood up, adjusting his glasses once again. "She said she wanted me to practice the music for The Tempest, so she's probably waiting."

Doumeki pushed to his feet as well. "One more thing."

Autor turned back to Doumeki, tilting his head. "What's that?"

"That guy...Ingram." Doumeki's gaze was very serious. "Don't go near him until you have your heart back either."

"Really? Is he dangerous?" Odd. Fakir didn't seem to want Autor to be around him, either, although he had allowed him to for the time being.

Doumeki's goldenbrown eyes narrowed slightly. "He could be. But it would be best if you kept that to yourself."

Really? It would be bad?

The word bubbled up to Autor's lips, almost without him thinking about it. That one word that was starting to drive most of the people he knew crazy. "Why?"

"Because bad things could happen. Things that would endanger people that are important to you." Doumeki replied simply. Well, it was true.

Hmm. Odd. Autor wasn't really sure who was important to him...but...

Still, danger wasn't a good thing, right?

Autor felt a little tired from trying to figure out things related to emotions he couldn't understand, so he'd let Doumeki have his way. "...Okay," he said simply.

The archer nodded. “Good.” he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Archery range. 3 PM, tomorrow.”

"Oh! We get to practice archery again?" Autor liked that. He wanted to get good at it. He thought he was maybe getting better. "Okay. I'll come."

The courner of Doumeki's mouth curved up just the slightest bit in approval and he nodded. "Good."

Autor nodded back, then took a step backwards. "I'll go back to the Opera now. I shouldn't keep Rue waiting. But I'll be on the network if you need me."

Doumeki nodded in agreement, and made an "off you go" motion with his hand.

If Doumeki watched closely, he might have seen a ghost of a smile briefly cross Autor's face. It left almost as suddenly as it came, and then Autor turned and walked out of the building.