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tampered2007-05-18 10:44 am
visageofsilence.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-05-18 10:44 am
[ Completed ] Understanding
When; Before HS curse day
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Elena [![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lady_turk] & Tseng [visageofsilence]
Summary; Thanks to Jr.'s insistence, Tseng and Elena go tour the Durandal alone. But find out a lot more than they expected.
Log;
Elena couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit nervous and jumpy around Tseng, much like how she had been when she first joined up with the Turks. Even though enough time had passed that she was confident in her place and where she stood with everyone, it didn’t change the fact that it really had been a long time since she’d seen any of them and things had changed. Maybe not so much for them, but certainly for her. Those changes where what made the blonde just the touch nervous, even though she tried hard to relax and adopt a more casual air once more.
“The lounge really does have a lot of different kind of drinks and a person can make some foods there, if they’re inclined to. There’s an automated system though, since not everyone knows how to cook. Which can also come in handy when the only real cooks onboard are feeling lazy and don’t really feel up to it.” Dear Holy, she was babbling, but at least Elena had to take some comfort in the fact that she wasn’t babbling quite as badly as she thought she could have been. All she had to do was make it to the aforementioned lounge and maybe then she could finally stop talking about it so much.
… She was such an idiot. If Elena made it out of this with her dignity intact, she’d kiss the next person she saw.
Tseng was a little more than content being around Elena. After accepting her invitation to join her on the Durandal, he knew he hadn't exactly acted in the best behavior of a leader when he'd hugged Elena the way he had on the day he'd arrived here. But many factors played into that, the fact that she was -dead-, the fact that she had been alone here without them-- so much had happened and it had been more than relieving to know that she was alright now, with friend who wanted to take care of her, and kept her company.
Which was why he was somewhat awkward himself. He didn't deserve this, but at the same time, hearing Elena talk was so comforting that it made the normally stoic man smile a little.
She was still the same.
"Sounds a little like home." he spoke, his voice serene and calm as it always was. "Reeve just sent Rufus a self-preparing sandwich-maker as well. I'm sure your instruments here wouldn't slap the bread on presidents' faces like that one did." he allowed a small smirk as he stepped up beside her, observing around him. "Shall we sit down? I never imagined this place to be quite this big."
A small snicker escaped Elena at the thought of Rufus, their normally stoic and professional leader, being slapped by a piece of bread by a cheeky machine. Knowing Reeve though, that hadn’t been a mistake one the machine’s part, but a part of the programming. The man had designed and created Cait Sith, after all. A little something like a sandwich machine would have been a simple matter for him. “No, but give me some time I’ll see if I can hack into the system to figure out how to do the same.”
The little bit of laughter helped Elena relax even further and she grinned. She was very aware that, with the exception of the hug, this was the closet she’d been to Tseng in a long time. She wasn’t quite to the blushing state, but she was just that little bit happier having him close again. “It pretty much took my breath away when I saw the inside for the first time. And I asked so many questions when Jr. and Mary showed me how to work the day-to-day things. It all just seemed so advance, that I nearly forgot how much there all was. There’s even a park inside, though it’s a bit different from your traditional trees and flowers kind f park.”
Taking a seat at the bar, Elena motioned for Tseng to do the same, even as she spoke to the automated robot that was stationed behind the counter and asked for two coffees for them.
He wouldn't have been surprised had Reeve done that on purpose. He didn't put it past the engineer to do so, and to see that it had amused Elena was a plus in itself. He didn't like seeing her tense, and it wasn't as though situations at home had made it any better for her.
A small laugh allowed past his lips, Tseng took a seat right next to his subordinate, turning slightly to look her over. Upon looking at her, one would be unable to tell that the Turk had been killed twice. She looked like she was in such high spirits, so full of life. And it hurt to think about, in a way, because she was so much more livelier back home, regardless of everything.
"It is indeed a fascinating place." he agreed, calmly glancing away when he found himself staring. "I'm sure it would have been a challenge to explore in itself."
Then came the brief silence as Tseng adjusted himself to the place, the environment, and readied himself for what he needed to say.
"I am glad I've been able to get you alone, for a little while. I was worried I'd never see you again." his voice was softer, perhaps a little shy? Tseng hadn't ever been good with expressing himself verbally. Every bit of his care was shown in his actions. Turning to glance back at her, he tilted his head to a side slightly.
"You're happy here, aren't you?"
If Elena noticed the small bit of accidental staring, she didn’t mention it or pay it too much mind. She had been caught doing the same often enough. And that didn’t take into account the times she hadn’t been caught either. Instead, she was just thinking about how nice it was to hear Tseng laugh, as small as it had been. He was so serious, but then again, that was one of the things that had drawn her to him. He was so serious nature but there were times that, when he let up some, showed someone just as human as she, herself, was.
“It was, but rather worth it,” Elena stated, drifting back to her memories. The challenge to learn as much as she could; to try and figure things out for herself had kept her more than entertained for a long time. Then certain things had happened, but that was a wholly different point. There were still some mental scars from that event, but she hadn’t lost her drive to learn all she could.
She had blushed slightly at the implications of his words at the beginning, but it was the last statement that had her taking the barest bit of her bottom lip in-between her teeth. Was she happy? Yes. Without a doubt, she could say that she was happy, but that happiness had come with an acceptance that she would probably never see anyone from her world, their world, again, and that she’d probably never be able to go back home. Even as she stubbornly held onto the things that had made her who she was, what had made her a Turk, she had changed because of this place just the same.
Now with the reminder of home, in the presence of her first love even, Elena wasn’t sure what she really felt. But she knew she couldn’t lie. Not right now and not to that question at least. And especially not to Tseng.
“I wasn’t… I didn’t…” Elena licked her lips and swallowed the lump that had form in her throat, feeling as if she was swallowing a lump of materia instead. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to see anyone ever again. But I was. Am. As much I could be, I suppose. Incredibly so at times even.”
Her uncertainty did make him wonder, and he extended a hand to place against the surface of the counter in front of which he was seated. Tseng took a glance at it, before he shook his head and turned to look back at her, his dark eyes remaining focused on her face.
"While I'm glad to see that you are doing well, Elena, if there is anything on your mind, anything at all..." he swallowed, feeling slightly awkward as he glanced to a side. "I'd like to know."
He sighed, moving his hand to comb back his hair, a smooth gesture laced by a touch of awkwardness as he brought his hand back down, settling it on his lap, but turning around so that he could face her. It was hard to admit it, even to himself, because of all the obligations he had had. He -did- care for her in a way a superior should in all likeliness not, and that was what made this all the more difficult. He'd been seeing signs making it obvious that she had indeed moved on, and while he was happy for her, he didn't want to make things awkward -for- her.
If anything, he just wanted to be part of her life in some way, even if it was a small part.
Thankfully, being here meant that he didn't have to worry about certain amount of protocol.
"Back home... it was odd, not having you there." he spoke quietly. "Even Rufus... would ask about you. And it was painful to think that you were here, without..." he sighed, stopping again mid-speech. "Elena..." he looed back at her. "Why... why did you... die?" he looked at her directly now, obvious in his implication that he wanted the whole truth from her.
Hearing Tseng stumble over his words, and the hints of, what she assumed was agitation made Elena internally flinch, as if she had been the direct cause for that. In a way, she supposed she was, but not quite as drastic as she was probably thinking so. Her heart, if it could actually beat, would have thumped painfully against her chest at hearing someone else offer to be a listening ear. Someone else who would be hurt by the mess and tangle she called her emotions if they knew what she was really thinking. And hurting Tseng, or Jr., like that, was something Elena did NOT want to ever do.
Elena was glad for the momentary distraction that the coffee being brought to their attentions gave her, and she managed a small grin in the robot’s direction, even if it wouldn’t really notice or appreciate it. She did, if only for the small amount of time it gave her to think about what she was going to say.
“I’d rather not say what was on my mind, if that’s all right with you Tseng,” Elena stated, voice a little strained, but calm, focusing on the cup of dark brown, almost black liquid in front of her. “You could say it’s one of those ‘girl’ things no one can help with, save the one with the troubles.”
“As for how I died… If you’re speaking of recently… It’s because…” Here Elena let out a deep, shuddering sigh. Her first death hadn’t been so bad. She could talk about that, but it had been a rather private affair. There weren’t even that many who knew she has died a first time that still remained. There were times when being a private person came in handy. Least when it came to city gossip. Her second death however… That one still stung. There were still a lot of things Elena had trouble talking about or even thinking about for too long. But, in her mind, it could have all been summed up in a very simple sentence.
“I died because I couldn’t do anything.”
His eyes widened briefly as she spoke, not having wanted to put her on the spot, but in a situation like this, it would be even more awkward to not be direct. He had so much to ask her, so much that was just bursting inside for him to ask and the fact that Elena -was- a private person at all made the entire situation a little more complicated.
Her words however, raised a bit of suspicion for him. It wasn't normal for her to give up... in all the time he'd known her, he knew Elena would work her head off even if she couldn't do something, just so she could succeed. To hear her say this... it said one thing for certain. There were loopholes in her words, especially from how she mentioned a 'recent' death.
Hesitating, Tseng extended his hand and moved one to her shoulder, then moved his other hand to her other, making her gently turn around and face him. The warning bells had gone off and he looked at her with concern in his eyes.
"Elena." he began softly, looking at her. "I shall admit that... your friend has blamed himself for your first death. I will not ask you for details, however..." he gave her upper arms a gentle squeeze. "It's not something I wish to keep from you when it concerns you. But... unable to do anything? That doesn't sound like you.' he sighed softly, shaking his head. "I'm sorry... I don't mean to intrude, but..."
He swallowed and glanced to a side, a hint of color coming into his cheeks. "Doing that... knowingly. Almost implies you were willing to cut us out of your life."
Any other time and Elena would have been blushing and doing little mini-cartwheels in her head at receiving such attention from Tseng, but right now, it stung and she did her best not to tense up and flinch at the touch. She didn’t move out his grasp, but she didn’t exactly relax any either. And the confirmation that Jr. was still also blaming himself for her deaths didn’t make things any easier to deal with.
Her eyes widened and her head shot up at the very idea of shutting out Tseng and the others from her life. “NO! That’s not it at all! I want you, all of you, to be in my life always!” she exclaimed, the last syllabus barely having time to fade before her shout cut them off. For a moment, all the nerves and confusion, and all the hesitancy disappeared. For a moment, Elena was like she had always been. She was emotional and a touch headstrong, but always firm in what and where she stood. Then the moment passed and Elena shook her head. Still, the action had given her a bit more strength, and had cleared her head enough for her to speak without fumbling.
“Jr. has no reason to blame himself for my dying, even if he still does. The first time was MY choice and I’ll stand by the choices I made. It was my selfish choice to do what I did and he’s not to blame for that,” she stated clearly. She had lost something very precious then, but Elena had done what she had needed to do to rid herself of the negative feelings that she hated almost more than anything. Because of that, she’d stand by the results, no matter how painful they might have been to others.
Then as if she were a doll and her strings had been cut, Elena’s posture drooped and she hung her head slightly, not meeting Tseng’s gaze quite yet. It was her shame, and it wasn’t something she had really wanted to admit to anyone, but if anyone should have known the details about what happened, it would be her teammates. Squaring her shoulders, Elena clenched her fists and looked back up, prepared to explain what had happened.
“As for the second time… There really was no other choice. I… I was… r-ra impregnated against my will and had I given birth to the creature, my life would have ended either way. I barely even had any control over my mind, let alone my body. Killing myself while I had some control over my mind… I can at least say that I didn’t let anyone else do it for me and I stopped the plans that were intended for the thing growing inside me.”
The memories hurt. Oh holy how they hurt. Even now, they still scared Elena and she dug her nails into her palms, till they were nearly bleeding, in order to keep the shakes she knew would overcome her if she let them. She really hadn’t been able to do anything. All she could do was take the guilt that would have come with being the executioner off those who didn’t anything else to trouble them.
Tseng's eyes widened and he stared at her in shock and horror at what she was just telling him. Her words made his heart beat faster, and before he could stop himself, his expression tightened, becoming pained, before he slowly got out of his seat, and knelt before Elena. Looking up at her, he slowly moved his hands down to take hers, gently moving them over hers and prying her fingers free from how they were clenched. He felt horrible for having allowed her to get this panicked, her outburst making him tense and then....
So that's why...
"Elena."
And then, for some reason, he didn't hesitate when he acted again. He gently lifted Elena's hands palms facing upwards on his own, and then touched his lips to where she had nearly cut herself with her nails. Then, slowly, he drew back, closing her hands between his own and touched his forehead to her hands, just clutching them tightly between his own, and eased his own breathing.
"Forgive me. I never... I never wanted to bring you pain by making you recall..." he shook his head. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. By Shiva, I can't believe..." he raised his gaze to her then, looking at her with a sad expression.
"And you were keeping this from me? Did you... did you think I would turn away from you? Elena, you're such a fool.."
What was it about Elena that she managed to get men to kneel in front of her when she wasn’t even trying? Had the situation not been as tense as it was, Elena might have cracked a joke, or giggled when she had the thought. Granted, she wasn’t a very tall woman, just a little bit petite, but it didn’t mean that she wanted men to kneel at her feet all the time. Too much more of this and Elena would have commented about it all going to her head.
The feel of Tseng lips on her sore palms, had she really been clenching her fist that hard, caused an involuntary shiver to go down Elena’s spine and she felt her mouth go dry at the action. It took several attempts at speaking, with much dry swallowing before Elena was able to speak.
“You… You don’t have to apologize Tseng. It happened a while ago. Before…” Before you came back. “You…” You couldn’t done anything. “You don’t have to apologize.”
She wanted to reach out and to wipe away that sad expression on his face. It hurt to know that she had put that expression on his face. She had seen him bleeding and nearly broken, but even then, he had held on. Acceptance of their presumed fate maybe, but not sadness. The look she saw in his eyes now tore at her heart.
I didn’t want to cause you any grief or sorrow. I didn’t want to trouble you any. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. She didn’t say it, but shook her head instead.
“I should be the one apologizing,” she said softly. For what, she didn’t quite know, but there were many things that she could have been apologizing for. It was hard to tell which one it was. “I’m sorry.”
Shaking his head, Tseng slowly composed himself, falling back into the role of mentor and leader, the superior Elena had looked up to. He wasn't going to be unprofessional about this, nor was he going to emotionally burden her for something she wasn't at all responsible for, and things that he couldn't have possibly taken on himself.
But it still burned him inside, knowing that Elena was abused in such a way. Elena... he had worked with her sister, but Elena had stood out to him so much more. Someone who really looked up to him, who treated him as much as a companion as she did a superior. Just the thought of anyone touching her in a way that she didn't agree to... it stung him inside. It's not like Elena and him were together, but he still felt responsible fo her.
What face would he show Veld?
Slowly standing, he shook his head. "I'm... honored you trusted me with this, Elena." still holding her hands, he shook his head. "The only grief I can feel for this... is knowing that you had to keep this -in- at all." sighing softly, he ran his thumb over the back of her fingers, his thumb going over a shape of a ring on her hand he didn't remember her having. Not thinking too much on that yet, he closed his eyes for a moment, then sighed, before re-opening his eyes and smiling a small smile at her.
"You have nothing to apologise for. It's over... and you are here. As am I." he gave her hands a small squeeze. "This time, Elena... Reno and I will not leave without you." he paused, then added. "If you wish it, that is."
The tone that he used was so familiar and reminded Elena so much of home that she couldn’t help but crack a small smile. Odd how the sound of a command or a voice in charge put her more at ease than any number of comforting words could do in the same amount of time. But that was just the kind of woman she was. Even as she had problems with some authority, those who Elena respected, she listened to without hesitation. Questioned and disobeyed sometimes, but listened to always.
Letting out a small sigh that was filled with more relief than anxieties, Elena squeezed his hands back in return. Her little way of showing him that she was all right again. That she wouldn’t let him down. And in a small part, to show that she was comforted by the fact that two people she cared for like family, almost more than family in some cases, were here with her as well.
“That might be a long time given that I am dead and all,” she managed to say, voice carrying a note of teasing in it. If they did find a way out, Elena wasn’t going to try to tie them down here with her. Better to get out if you could. But while they were here, it wouldn’t hurt to… to possibly entertain the idea of going home.
If going home didn’t also carry a note of bitterness with it as well, but Elena was pointedly not going to think about that. Not right now, but later she would. Later in her office where she had some privacy to think and to voice her thoughts out-loud without too much fear of being overheard if she needed to.
He knew that this was quite a bit straining for her, and he would leave it at that. He believed they'd had enough emotional outbursts for one night. With a small smile, he nodded to her, then finally let go of her hands, sighing and leaning against the counter, looking down for a while, before motioning his head towards the coffee.
"Well then, we might need to work on conversing before ordering coffee. I do believe it's worth putting in a freezer now. Which might do for the lump that Mary gave me." Tseng, a sense of humor? Perhaps the world had fallen down.
But it was enough, and said before Elena, a comrade, someone he could trust, someone he considered like his family.
He just hoped the next time he asked about something, it wouldn't be so traumatic. Though knowing this City...
For now, he was just glad to be here with her. And that was that.
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Elena [
lady_turk] & Tseng [visageofsilence]Summary; Thanks to Jr.'s insistence, Tseng and Elena go tour the Durandal alone. But find out a lot more than they expected.
Log;
Elena couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit nervous and jumpy around Tseng, much like how she had been when she first joined up with the Turks. Even though enough time had passed that she was confident in her place and where she stood with everyone, it didn’t change the fact that it really had been a long time since she’d seen any of them and things had changed. Maybe not so much for them, but certainly for her. Those changes where what made the blonde just the touch nervous, even though she tried hard to relax and adopt a more casual air once more.
“The lounge really does have a lot of different kind of drinks and a person can make some foods there, if they’re inclined to. There’s an automated system though, since not everyone knows how to cook. Which can also come in handy when the only real cooks onboard are feeling lazy and don’t really feel up to it.” Dear Holy, she was babbling, but at least Elena had to take some comfort in the fact that she wasn’t babbling quite as badly as she thought she could have been. All she had to do was make it to the aforementioned lounge and maybe then she could finally stop talking about it so much.
… She was such an idiot. If Elena made it out of this with her dignity intact, she’d kiss the next person she saw.
Tseng was a little more than content being around Elena. After accepting her invitation to join her on the Durandal, he knew he hadn't exactly acted in the best behavior of a leader when he'd hugged Elena the way he had on the day he'd arrived here. But many factors played into that, the fact that she was -dead-, the fact that she had been alone here without them-- so much had happened and it had been more than relieving to know that she was alright now, with friend who wanted to take care of her, and kept her company.
Which was why he was somewhat awkward himself. He didn't deserve this, but at the same time, hearing Elena talk was so comforting that it made the normally stoic man smile a little.
She was still the same.
"Sounds a little like home." he spoke, his voice serene and calm as it always was. "Reeve just sent Rufus a self-preparing sandwich-maker as well. I'm sure your instruments here wouldn't slap the bread on presidents' faces like that one did." he allowed a small smirk as he stepped up beside her, observing around him. "Shall we sit down? I never imagined this place to be quite this big."
A small snicker escaped Elena at the thought of Rufus, their normally stoic and professional leader, being slapped by a piece of bread by a cheeky machine. Knowing Reeve though, that hadn’t been a mistake one the machine’s part, but a part of the programming. The man had designed and created Cait Sith, after all. A little something like a sandwich machine would have been a simple matter for him. “No, but give me some time I’ll see if I can hack into the system to figure out how to do the same.”
The little bit of laughter helped Elena relax even further and she grinned. She was very aware that, with the exception of the hug, this was the closet she’d been to Tseng in a long time. She wasn’t quite to the blushing state, but she was just that little bit happier having him close again. “It pretty much took my breath away when I saw the inside for the first time. And I asked so many questions when Jr. and Mary showed me how to work the day-to-day things. It all just seemed so advance, that I nearly forgot how much there all was. There’s even a park inside, though it’s a bit different from your traditional trees and flowers kind f park.”
Taking a seat at the bar, Elena motioned for Tseng to do the same, even as she spoke to the automated robot that was stationed behind the counter and asked for two coffees for them.
He wouldn't have been surprised had Reeve done that on purpose. He didn't put it past the engineer to do so, and to see that it had amused Elena was a plus in itself. He didn't like seeing her tense, and it wasn't as though situations at home had made it any better for her.
A small laugh allowed past his lips, Tseng took a seat right next to his subordinate, turning slightly to look her over. Upon looking at her, one would be unable to tell that the Turk had been killed twice. She looked like she was in such high spirits, so full of life. And it hurt to think about, in a way, because she was so much more livelier back home, regardless of everything.
"It is indeed a fascinating place." he agreed, calmly glancing away when he found himself staring. "I'm sure it would have been a challenge to explore in itself."
Then came the brief silence as Tseng adjusted himself to the place, the environment, and readied himself for what he needed to say.
"I am glad I've been able to get you alone, for a little while. I was worried I'd never see you again." his voice was softer, perhaps a little shy? Tseng hadn't ever been good with expressing himself verbally. Every bit of his care was shown in his actions. Turning to glance back at her, he tilted his head to a side slightly.
"You're happy here, aren't you?"
If Elena noticed the small bit of accidental staring, she didn’t mention it or pay it too much mind. She had been caught doing the same often enough. And that didn’t take into account the times she hadn’t been caught either. Instead, she was just thinking about how nice it was to hear Tseng laugh, as small as it had been. He was so serious, but then again, that was one of the things that had drawn her to him. He was so serious nature but there were times that, when he let up some, showed someone just as human as she, herself, was.
“It was, but rather worth it,” Elena stated, drifting back to her memories. The challenge to learn as much as she could; to try and figure things out for herself had kept her more than entertained for a long time. Then certain things had happened, but that was a wholly different point. There were still some mental scars from that event, but she hadn’t lost her drive to learn all she could.
She had blushed slightly at the implications of his words at the beginning, but it was the last statement that had her taking the barest bit of her bottom lip in-between her teeth. Was she happy? Yes. Without a doubt, she could say that she was happy, but that happiness had come with an acceptance that she would probably never see anyone from her world, their world, again, and that she’d probably never be able to go back home. Even as she stubbornly held onto the things that had made her who she was, what had made her a Turk, she had changed because of this place just the same.
Now with the reminder of home, in the presence of her first love even, Elena wasn’t sure what she really felt. But she knew she couldn’t lie. Not right now and not to that question at least. And especially not to Tseng.
“I wasn’t… I didn’t…” Elena licked her lips and swallowed the lump that had form in her throat, feeling as if she was swallowing a lump of materia instead. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to see anyone ever again. But I was. Am. As much I could be, I suppose. Incredibly so at times even.”
Her uncertainty did make him wonder, and he extended a hand to place against the surface of the counter in front of which he was seated. Tseng took a glance at it, before he shook his head and turned to look back at her, his dark eyes remaining focused on her face.
"While I'm glad to see that you are doing well, Elena, if there is anything on your mind, anything at all..." he swallowed, feeling slightly awkward as he glanced to a side. "I'd like to know."
He sighed, moving his hand to comb back his hair, a smooth gesture laced by a touch of awkwardness as he brought his hand back down, settling it on his lap, but turning around so that he could face her. It was hard to admit it, even to himself, because of all the obligations he had had. He -did- care for her in a way a superior should in all likeliness not, and that was what made this all the more difficult. He'd been seeing signs making it obvious that she had indeed moved on, and while he was happy for her, he didn't want to make things awkward -for- her.
If anything, he just wanted to be part of her life in some way, even if it was a small part.
Thankfully, being here meant that he didn't have to worry about certain amount of protocol.
"Back home... it was odd, not having you there." he spoke quietly. "Even Rufus... would ask about you. And it was painful to think that you were here, without..." he sighed, stopping again mid-speech. "Elena..." he looed back at her. "Why... why did you... die?" he looked at her directly now, obvious in his implication that he wanted the whole truth from her.
Hearing Tseng stumble over his words, and the hints of, what she assumed was agitation made Elena internally flinch, as if she had been the direct cause for that. In a way, she supposed she was, but not quite as drastic as she was probably thinking so. Her heart, if it could actually beat, would have thumped painfully against her chest at hearing someone else offer to be a listening ear. Someone else who would be hurt by the mess and tangle she called her emotions if they knew what she was really thinking. And hurting Tseng, or Jr., like that, was something Elena did NOT want to ever do.
Elena was glad for the momentary distraction that the coffee being brought to their attentions gave her, and she managed a small grin in the robot’s direction, even if it wouldn’t really notice or appreciate it. She did, if only for the small amount of time it gave her to think about what she was going to say.
“I’d rather not say what was on my mind, if that’s all right with you Tseng,” Elena stated, voice a little strained, but calm, focusing on the cup of dark brown, almost black liquid in front of her. “You could say it’s one of those ‘girl’ things no one can help with, save the one with the troubles.”
“As for how I died… If you’re speaking of recently… It’s because…” Here Elena let out a deep, shuddering sigh. Her first death hadn’t been so bad. She could talk about that, but it had been a rather private affair. There weren’t even that many who knew she has died a first time that still remained. There were times when being a private person came in handy. Least when it came to city gossip. Her second death however… That one still stung. There were still a lot of things Elena had trouble talking about or even thinking about for too long. But, in her mind, it could have all been summed up in a very simple sentence.
“I died because I couldn’t do anything.”
His eyes widened briefly as she spoke, not having wanted to put her on the spot, but in a situation like this, it would be even more awkward to not be direct. He had so much to ask her, so much that was just bursting inside for him to ask and the fact that Elena -was- a private person at all made the entire situation a little more complicated.
Her words however, raised a bit of suspicion for him. It wasn't normal for her to give up... in all the time he'd known her, he knew Elena would work her head off even if she couldn't do something, just so she could succeed. To hear her say this... it said one thing for certain. There were loopholes in her words, especially from how she mentioned a 'recent' death.
Hesitating, Tseng extended his hand and moved one to her shoulder, then moved his other hand to her other, making her gently turn around and face him. The warning bells had gone off and he looked at her with concern in his eyes.
"Elena." he began softly, looking at her. "I shall admit that... your friend has blamed himself for your first death. I will not ask you for details, however..." he gave her upper arms a gentle squeeze. "It's not something I wish to keep from you when it concerns you. But... unable to do anything? That doesn't sound like you.' he sighed softly, shaking his head. "I'm sorry... I don't mean to intrude, but..."
He swallowed and glanced to a side, a hint of color coming into his cheeks. "Doing that... knowingly. Almost implies you were willing to cut us out of your life."
Any other time and Elena would have been blushing and doing little mini-cartwheels in her head at receiving such attention from Tseng, but right now, it stung and she did her best not to tense up and flinch at the touch. She didn’t move out his grasp, but she didn’t exactly relax any either. And the confirmation that Jr. was still also blaming himself for her deaths didn’t make things any easier to deal with.
Her eyes widened and her head shot up at the very idea of shutting out Tseng and the others from her life. “NO! That’s not it at all! I want you, all of you, to be in my life always!” she exclaimed, the last syllabus barely having time to fade before her shout cut them off. For a moment, all the nerves and confusion, and all the hesitancy disappeared. For a moment, Elena was like she had always been. She was emotional and a touch headstrong, but always firm in what and where she stood. Then the moment passed and Elena shook her head. Still, the action had given her a bit more strength, and had cleared her head enough for her to speak without fumbling.
“Jr. has no reason to blame himself for my dying, even if he still does. The first time was MY choice and I’ll stand by the choices I made. It was my selfish choice to do what I did and he’s not to blame for that,” she stated clearly. She had lost something very precious then, but Elena had done what she had needed to do to rid herself of the negative feelings that she hated almost more than anything. Because of that, she’d stand by the results, no matter how painful they might have been to others.
Then as if she were a doll and her strings had been cut, Elena’s posture drooped and she hung her head slightly, not meeting Tseng’s gaze quite yet. It was her shame, and it wasn’t something she had really wanted to admit to anyone, but if anyone should have known the details about what happened, it would be her teammates. Squaring her shoulders, Elena clenched her fists and looked back up, prepared to explain what had happened.
“As for the second time… There really was no other choice. I… I was… r-ra impregnated against my will and had I given birth to the creature, my life would have ended either way. I barely even had any control over my mind, let alone my body. Killing myself while I had some control over my mind… I can at least say that I didn’t let anyone else do it for me and I stopped the plans that were intended for the thing growing inside me.”
The memories hurt. Oh holy how they hurt. Even now, they still scared Elena and she dug her nails into her palms, till they were nearly bleeding, in order to keep the shakes she knew would overcome her if she let them. She really hadn’t been able to do anything. All she could do was take the guilt that would have come with being the executioner off those who didn’t anything else to trouble them.
Tseng's eyes widened and he stared at her in shock and horror at what she was just telling him. Her words made his heart beat faster, and before he could stop himself, his expression tightened, becoming pained, before he slowly got out of his seat, and knelt before Elena. Looking up at her, he slowly moved his hands down to take hers, gently moving them over hers and prying her fingers free from how they were clenched. He felt horrible for having allowed her to get this panicked, her outburst making him tense and then....
So that's why...
"Elena."
And then, for some reason, he didn't hesitate when he acted again. He gently lifted Elena's hands palms facing upwards on his own, and then touched his lips to where she had nearly cut herself with her nails. Then, slowly, he drew back, closing her hands between his own and touched his forehead to her hands, just clutching them tightly between his own, and eased his own breathing.
"Forgive me. I never... I never wanted to bring you pain by making you recall..." he shook his head. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. By Shiva, I can't believe..." he raised his gaze to her then, looking at her with a sad expression.
"And you were keeping this from me? Did you... did you think I would turn away from you? Elena, you're such a fool.."
What was it about Elena that she managed to get men to kneel in front of her when she wasn’t even trying? Had the situation not been as tense as it was, Elena might have cracked a joke, or giggled when she had the thought. Granted, she wasn’t a very tall woman, just a little bit petite, but it didn’t mean that she wanted men to kneel at her feet all the time. Too much more of this and Elena would have commented about it all going to her head.
The feel of Tseng lips on her sore palms, had she really been clenching her fist that hard, caused an involuntary shiver to go down Elena’s spine and she felt her mouth go dry at the action. It took several attempts at speaking, with much dry swallowing before Elena was able to speak.
“You… You don’t have to apologize Tseng. It happened a while ago. Before…” Before you came back. “You…” You couldn’t done anything. “You don’t have to apologize.”
She wanted to reach out and to wipe away that sad expression on his face. It hurt to know that she had put that expression on his face. She had seen him bleeding and nearly broken, but even then, he had held on. Acceptance of their presumed fate maybe, but not sadness. The look she saw in his eyes now tore at her heart.
I didn’t want to cause you any grief or sorrow. I didn’t want to trouble you any. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. She didn’t say it, but shook her head instead.
“I should be the one apologizing,” she said softly. For what, she didn’t quite know, but there were many things that she could have been apologizing for. It was hard to tell which one it was. “I’m sorry.”
Shaking his head, Tseng slowly composed himself, falling back into the role of mentor and leader, the superior Elena had looked up to. He wasn't going to be unprofessional about this, nor was he going to emotionally burden her for something she wasn't at all responsible for, and things that he couldn't have possibly taken on himself.
But it still burned him inside, knowing that Elena was abused in such a way. Elena... he had worked with her sister, but Elena had stood out to him so much more. Someone who really looked up to him, who treated him as much as a companion as she did a superior. Just the thought of anyone touching her in a way that she didn't agree to... it stung him inside. It's not like Elena and him were together, but he still felt responsible fo her.
What face would he show Veld?
Slowly standing, he shook his head. "I'm... honored you trusted me with this, Elena." still holding her hands, he shook his head. "The only grief I can feel for this... is knowing that you had to keep this -in- at all." sighing softly, he ran his thumb over the back of her fingers, his thumb going over a shape of a ring on her hand he didn't remember her having. Not thinking too much on that yet, he closed his eyes for a moment, then sighed, before re-opening his eyes and smiling a small smile at her.
"You have nothing to apologise for. It's over... and you are here. As am I." he gave her hands a small squeeze. "This time, Elena... Reno and I will not leave without you." he paused, then added. "If you wish it, that is."
The tone that he used was so familiar and reminded Elena so much of home that she couldn’t help but crack a small smile. Odd how the sound of a command or a voice in charge put her more at ease than any number of comforting words could do in the same amount of time. But that was just the kind of woman she was. Even as she had problems with some authority, those who Elena respected, she listened to without hesitation. Questioned and disobeyed sometimes, but listened to always.
Letting out a small sigh that was filled with more relief than anxieties, Elena squeezed his hands back in return. Her little way of showing him that she was all right again. That she wouldn’t let him down. And in a small part, to show that she was comforted by the fact that two people she cared for like family, almost more than family in some cases, were here with her as well.
“That might be a long time given that I am dead and all,” she managed to say, voice carrying a note of teasing in it. If they did find a way out, Elena wasn’t going to try to tie them down here with her. Better to get out if you could. But while they were here, it wouldn’t hurt to… to possibly entertain the idea of going home.
If going home didn’t also carry a note of bitterness with it as well, but Elena was pointedly not going to think about that. Not right now, but later she would. Later in her office where she had some privacy to think and to voice her thoughts out-loud without too much fear of being overheard if she needed to.
He knew that this was quite a bit straining for her, and he would leave it at that. He believed they'd had enough emotional outbursts for one night. With a small smile, he nodded to her, then finally let go of her hands, sighing and leaning against the counter, looking down for a while, before motioning his head towards the coffee.
"Well then, we might need to work on conversing before ordering coffee. I do believe it's worth putting in a freezer now. Which might do for the lump that Mary gave me." Tseng, a sense of humor? Perhaps the world had fallen down.
But it was enough, and said before Elena, a comrade, someone he could trust, someone he considered like his family.
He just hoped the next time he asked about something, it wouldn't be so traumatic. Though knowing this City...
For now, he was just glad to be here with her. And that was that.