[ COMPLETE ] Subaru&Ranmaru - Drifting Away

[elegantorchid.livejournal.com]

When; After Kamui and Jowy's dinner, from which Ranmaru runs away after Subaru goes crazy.
Rating; G~ or PG. One kiss. And Angst. GARHsjdfk. Whyangstwhy
Characters; Sakurazuka Subaru [ikigainashi] & Mori Ranmaru [elegantorchid]
Summary; Seishirou's disappeared, Subaru's going crazy, Ranmaru's seals are burning and Rainbow Bridge is falling. Okay, maybe not that. And dear god, Ranmaru cries. HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. >(
Log;

---

That had been... painful, being the understatement, and agonizing being somewhat close. Something had happened to Subaru, something that had caused him to react this way. Ranmaru's hands were burning, and before he knew what he was doing, he'd run out. Away, far away, from Kamui, Jowy... not wanting them to see him in such a state. It was still burning and he was trembling as he stopped for a bit to catch his breath, the covered his mouth with a hand, attempting to quell his desire to just yell in pain. What is wrong with him?! He had to find him, now!

He had heard from others. Seishirou-san had left. Then... then what? What was causing this?!

Inhaling sharply, Falling to his knees as soon as he arrived at that place where his senses were drawing him too, he felt the blades of grass under his legs. And then, he looked at the backs of his gloved hands, practically seeing the seals through the material, and crsed under his breath, getting up to look around.

The tree--! Gritting his teeth, Ranmaru raced towards it. That was where he was...

"Subaru-san!!" he called, turning around. "Subaru-san, where are you!"

The voice actually seemed to alarm him, judging from his expression when he looked up. It was the night after the full moon, so it was a beautiful and well lit night, but the shadows cast by the sakura tree could hide most anything. To him, it was practically torture to be so close to the tree and the whispering sakura, but at the same time the darkness was a familiar comfort.

Sometimes he could get lost in it. So lost that it was hard to find himself again.

He spotted Ranmaru, but his gaze didn't seem entirely...focused. Unstable. Subaru hugged his coat tighter around him, as if it was actually cold, and scooted back to lean more firmly against the trunk. Ranmaru. Why was Ranmaru here? Seishirou certainly wasn't...

Tipping his head to the side, he glanced down to the boy's hands, then immediately looked back up to his face. The guilt was blatant in his voice.

"I'm sorry."

With a short gasp, Ranmaru swerved round, catching sight of Subaru as he stood there before the tree, so sunk into the shadows that he could barely tell he was there. What had he done to himself?! This wasn't the man he'd stayed with, cherished and cared for... and it made him sick with worry to see him in this state.

Before he could stop himself, he raced towards him, reaching out and grabbing Subaru by the wrist and jerking him forward, eyes narrowed and his expression tense.

"What's happening?! Why are you losing control??" he asked, his voice shaking. He wasn't a fool to give himself enough worth and think this was being done only to him. He would think if Subaru would have marked anyone else, in the state he was in, they would be feeling it too.

Ranmaru acting so upset and frenzied was not something Subaru was accustomed to. He didn't know how to react at all, so he merely stayed where he was as he was grabbed and pulled away from the tree...just a bit. Just enough. One arm remained crossed over his chest.

Control? When had he ever had control?

He stared quizzically at Ranmaru for a long moment before opening his mouth to hopefully respond. Instead, a small squeak let out, and soon following that was a small, furry white head poking out from the collar of Subaru's coat.

Subaru was quick to look down with a look that was almost disapproving, and the two big blue eyes just stared back up at him.

"...I was...trying to think of a name..."

In the next moment, Ranmaru wasn't sure what exactly happened. He was in pain, he had been pulled away from a gathering of friends, simply because of the curse laid on him. He had raced here, following the source of power, struggling with his own sanity because of the intensity of his pain... to come across this?

Had he been a lesser person, he would have punched Subaru right now. And he wasn't too far from it.

Looking at him with a bemused look, Ranmaru turned his gaze to the little kitten that had made it's presence known, his breath labored as he looked between cat and owner, staring at them both in disbelief.

And the only thing that he could manage then, was a rather honest and plain, "What?"

All that pain... over a KITTEN?

Subaru flinched as the kitten tried to crawl up onto his shoulder, tiny claws digging in through his turtleneck. He had to wrestle with her a bit and do quite a bit of tugging to pull her free, and then he sunk down to sit on the ground, leaning back against the trunk as he set her in his lap. Both eyes were trained on the white ball of fluff now having an epic match with his shoelace.

"Kamui said I should get a black one...but I found her here. Someone killed her mother. I buried her." Tentatively, he reached down to rub between the kitten's ears.

"She needs a name. Maybe...Hokuto?"

He couldn't believe his eyes, or his ears. What was... Subaru doing? Had he totally lost himself? While it was normal, more than normal for a man to take up a pet, this was..

He found himself sinking to his knees, hands to the grass and body hunched over. The aftershocks of the pain weren't quite done, and they were making it hard to tolerate on his own body. Then, he moved a hand to his forehead, shaking his head before turning a strong glare onto Subaru.

"You do not name a pet with the name of one who has lived. They take on their namesake's attributes and curse them to come within their bodies."he went quiet, before whispering, "Why are you hurting so much...?"

Subaru almost smiled at that idea, and he lifted up the kitten to peer at her. A kitten with Hokuto's attributes? It was a scary and fascinating idea. But, so long as the kitten didn't try to learn how to sew, then things would be just peachy.

When she started to mewl again, he sat her back down, only to look back up at Ranmaru. Once more...quizzical. "It's you who is in pain. You're shaking. What happened?"

Then, his eyes shut, and he lifted one hand up and back, tapping his knuckles against the trunk of the tree. "No," he murmured, responding to a voice that just wasn't there.

His eyes widened in shock, for the briefest moment when Subaru asked him that question. Shouldn't he know already? It was obvious why Ranmaru was here, what had Subaru been apologizing for, then?

He could feel his heart sink in his chest, and his eyes locked onto the man's face, as though seeing him for the first time. He knew what that was, and the thought terrified him for the briefest moment.

"Subaru-san..." the rest of the words died in his throat. He felt pity, and distress at how seemingly normal everything appeared, and then, he felt anger. Anger that he'd let this happen.

Before he could stop himself, he reached out and grabbed Subaru by the lapels of his coat, and tugged him forward, the kitten darting to Subaru's opposite side at the sudden movement,and his own eyes, icy and silver, narrowed as they looked at the man he'd grown so used to looking at with love.

"The seals are burning." he told him, in a voice that seemed calm but was with an underlying tone of fear. "The seals drew me to this place, to you. You're hurting, and you're hurting me, and I do not know how to stop it. I do not know." it was annoying him now and he clutched Subaru's clothing tightly between his fingers. "You're acting mad, Subaru-san. Do you even realize what you're doing to me?"

Quickly, he opened his eyes when he was grabbed again. Ranmaru seemed to be in a very forceful mood. What could be causing-- oh. The seals. Mark of the Sakurazukamori...only...not. Before the tree had even been in the City.

"...I'm hurting you?" Those seemed to be the magic words, and his brow wrinkled as he squeezed his eyes shut and reached up to let his hands slide over Ranmaru's, squeezing gently. At the very least, he seemed to be responding more now, as he looked like he was in pain now.

"But that was what...I was trying to avoid. I didn't...didn't mean to. Except when you were with that...man...but that was...an accident... I think."

With that man... Ranmaru looked confused for a while before he realized who Subaru was talking about. "Lohengrin-san?" then Subaru had seen him with him. But it didn't make any sense as to why he would willingly hurt him! Unless... And this thought made Ranmaru pale considerably enough to let go, but he grabbed Subaru's hands in both his, shaking his head at him.

"You were there... and you ran. Why, Subaru-san? Why didn't you stop?" His voice trembled a bit as he moved his hands to cup Subaru's face in them, kneeling in front of him. "Did you think I would ever leave you? For anyone else? Was that why?" a stab in the dark, but he had to try. "Why did you hurt me when you know I desire none but you?"

Now he was exceptionally confused, but...he wasn't even sure what to be confused about. Ranmaru's motives? His own? "But you... He fed you. And put his arms around you. Comforted you when I..."

He looked down and over to the kitten who currently was stuffing her nose into one of his coat pockets as if there was something interesting in there. "And that's best. You should stay away from me. The City decided that was best, didn't it? Kamui could go to Jowy-san's world, but you couldn't come to mine. And that's...best. You deserve someone whole."

With a shake of his head, Subaru looked back up at him. "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to keep you safe."

Ranmaru's cheeks colored. He had seen that much? No wonder... he hadn't forgotten though. Subaru's envy was an odd kind that he'd never quite seen in anyone else before but the fact that it manifested himself in him was clear sign enough that it was there at all. If Ranmaru, someone who was accepting of just about everything, could feel it, then why not Subaru?

"Ranmaru doesn't care for Lohengrin-san at all!" he exclaimed. "He saw that Ranmaru was upset... and extended an invitation to dine with him. I was..." he felt his heart sink further. "Subaru-san... Lohengrin-san is just an associate. He's hardly worth a smidgen of what you are to Ranmaru..." shaking his head, he released Subaru's face from his hands, and just lowered his head. "It wasn't the City. I could have come with you... but our fates changed. Mine, Mitsuhide-sama's... they all changed. Our world was attacked, by an entity that brought time together. And somehow, we got caught in it."

He moved a fist over the grass. "After Honnoji, Mitsuhide-sama, Nobunaga-sama and myself... we should have been dead. But look, two years after that, Ranmaru still lives." He sighed softly. "We chose a bad time, and it was my fault..."

Looking up at him again, he then asked in a softer voice, "Ranmaru... hasn't stopped loving you. Is it possible that you have not either, Subaru-san? Can Ranmaru be so bold as to hope that you still feel something that isn't hate for Ranmaru?"

Time. Time was always the enemy, really. The City had proven that to him on many occasions. With Hokuto, with Seishirou, and now Ranmaru.

Part of him felt relieved that Ranmaru's friend was only a friend. It was a strange bittersweet emotion. He could claim that jealousy didn't suit him, but his entire Wish had been enveloped in jealousy, hadn't it? He had wanted to very much to be the important one to Seishirou.

And now he looked at Ranmaru, and he didn't know. How could there be two people?

The suggestion made him draw pull back, and he drew both knees up to hug them. Every once in awhile he was sure to look towards the kitten, to make sure she hadn't run off to get herself eaten or squished.

"...I used to think, in a way, that Seishirou-san was the yin to my yang. But...that isn't so. I am not equal to him. I am...an empty vessel, guided by fate. He's my yin."

Cheeks flushed just the slightest bit, his mismatched eyes peeked up at Ranmaru from behind his sleeve. "You're my yang."

While Subaru reacted in a way that troubled Ranmaru mildly, he was relieved to see that at the very least, he wasn't trying to run away as he had all those previous times. However, as he listened to him speak, his gaze softened- Ranmaru had never been one or cruelty, or even harshness of any sort (unless there were situations that required him to be, situations that included drilling his men and making them run laps for morning drills) so he was rather easy to win over once someone explained themselves. In this, he even found the harshest enemy's favor, and right now, despite everything, he was willing to listen to Subaru.

Which was why his words not only surprised him, but they ended up bringing a warm color to his cheeks. That would probably be the only response Subaru would get to that, before he looked around himself awkwardly, and then seated himself beside him, against the tree, and moving an arm around Subaru's shoulder, tugged him so that his head could rest against Ranmaru's shoulder and he could pull him close enough to rest his cheek against the crown of his head and hold him tight.

"No wonder." whispered Ranmaru. "You're so out of sorts." Because Seishirou is no longer here, he thought to himself. It made him bitter in a small way, to see the impact Seishirou had, but he'd come to terms with it a long time ago. Then, with a soft sigh, he moved a hand under Subaru's chin and tilted his face up so he could look at him. "If he is the yin, and this person is the yang... then you're certainly not an empty vessel. You're the very force that drives matter together, Subaru-san. Without you... nothing could ever come together." he smiled sadly, and then gently touched his lips to Subaru's forehead, lingering there, before drawing back.

"It hurts to see you so disturbed."

That analogy was strange to him. Subaru had never thought of himself as any sort of force, really...unless you counted the force of misfortune. He really was afraid of pushing that misfortune off onto anybody he touched, but here Ranmaru was, suddenly holding him and comforting him despite the pain the Sakurazukamori had caused him.

And he was just too tired to fight it, to run and hide. It was so much simpler to give in and stay and enjoy the warmth, even if he didn't deserve it. Was he really so weak? He had thought his presence would just hurt Ranmaru, but had staying away only made it worse?

"Not...disturbed... Just a bit...sleepy," he murmured as he rested his head back against Ranmaru's shoulder. Wriggling his finger at the kitten for her to bat and claw it, he didn't seem to really notice the light pain offered by her needle-sharp claws. But then, he was all out of sorts. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he had slept.

That really was all he needed, for him to yield once again to the role he was formerly in. The role of the protector. His arm came to circle around his back, holding him tightly, and with all the willpower he had, he focused. Focused until he knew there would be no stopping him at all. He wasn't going to sleep, not when Subaru needed it, and he needed to be around him to make sure he didn't do anything foolish.With his other hand, he brushed his bangs back, then positioned himself in a way that Subaru would find it comfortable to rest in. He moved his arm behind Subaru, and gently guided him so that he could lay down, sprawl over the grass, with his head resting on Ranmaru's lap. Then, his fingers moving over the other's forehead, urging his eyelids to grow heavier, Ranmaru knelt comfortably, sliding a hand over his arm and taking his hand.

"Then rest. You need it." he whispered to him, and sliding his fingers under Subaru's palm, he brought his hand up to gently kiss the back of it, before lowering it. If he had to stay up all night for it, he would. But he wasn't letting Fuuma come and ruin this.

Watching Subaru's face with a strangely patient gaze, he whispered, "Our wishes are never what we expect them to be. That's why we should never believe in them ever being truly fulfilled, but for what motivation they bring us." letting that odd statement be, he bent down and gently pressed his lips to Subaru's, looking him in the eye. "Rest." he whispered. "For this night, just rest." he'd handle the kitten later.

The soft touches and kisses were enough to make Subaru's cheeks feel warm again, bringing color to his pale cheeks as he gave in and settled against Ranmaru's lap. The talk of wishes made him think a bit, but not too deeply. Never too deeply. His thoughts were far too unorganized and jumbled lately to process anything correctly.

But this was familiar, if almost forbidden in it's simple pleasure. With a sigh, he drew the small kitten closer, stroking his thumb between her ears while rolling onto his side to nuzzle lightly against the younger man's leg.

"Goodnight...Hokuto..." he whispered under his breath as he let his eyes slip shut, sleep taking over disturbingly fast as the falling sakura petals whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

It was heartbreaking to see Subaru as out of sorts as he was right now, but what was worse was seeing that he was unable to do anything about it at all. In his heart, he'd already begun to feel that Subaru was going far, far away from him, and he didn't plan on returning. That was the very thought that had depressed him for so many days, because he was willing to cross time to be with him... but Subaru. Was it right to burden him with the same?

His hands stroked his forehead gently as he tried to lull the older man to sleep, but it was his final words whispered that stung Ranmaru's heart the most. He knew that there was barely a place for him before... but even from what Subaru had said earlier, he felt even more distanced now.

Hokuto. The name was such a relief, and he found himself smiling sadly...

I'm sorry... Subaru-san. Even now, I can't reach you...

Tilting his head back, he leaned it against the bark of the tree, as a single wet droplet hit the grass beneath, sinking into the blades of green.