(no subject)

[juicebox-woes.livejournal.com]

When; June 20th, afternoon
Rating; PGish
Characters; Kuchiki Rukia juicebox_woes, Kurosaki Isshin citysbestdad
Summary; Isshin decides to share a few things with the one closest to his son.
Log;

Isshin waited patiently on the beach, the ocean lapping against the sandy shores. He had opted for shorts, sandals, and a flamboyantly colored shirt today, deciding that it was too nice out for his traditional pants and lab coat. Although he had been wearing more suits as of late, since he felt he looked better in those and there was no need for his lab coat if he wasn't working in the clinic. The older man had asked Rukia-chan to meet him here under the guise of wanting to spend more time with her since he was away from Yuzu and Karin, unable to shower father-daughter love on them. The truth was far more serious than that. He had something very important that he needed to share with her and he only hoped she didn't hate him for it, because when the time came everyone else who already didn't know certainly would hate him.

The beach was certainly not a place unknown the the petite shinigami. In fact, it was where she spent much of her time, either training in the sand and the surf, or simply sitting on one of the rocks that jutted out into the waves and thinking. She did a lot of that these days. Thinking about herself, her life. About the City, the changes it had brought to everyone. About Inoue and Ishida. Sado, Arisawa, Renji. About her family, whether her brother was doing well. And...about Ichigo. She thought about him a lot. Not just about their current...whatever it was right now, but about the past. She didn't dare think too much on the future, that was tremulous at best, a nebulous and tentative dream that she was almost afraid to even consider. But...that wasn't why she had come here. She spent enough time on her own thinking about things that had been, things that were, and things that she wanted to be again.

Pausing at the edge of the beach entrance she preferred, Rukia smoothed the wrinkles from the simple dress she'd chosen, careful to school her features into the typical smile and charm that she used on all the humans in their world who couldn't know the truth. Kurosaki Isshin, close as he may have been, was no exception. He didn't know the shinigami, he knew the girl who he had graciously taken in and allowed to stay with his family. Ducking around the gate, she smiled and waved as she walked up to the older man.

"Isshin-san, hello."

"Rukia-chan!" he cried upon seeing the girl. "Papa Kurosaki is so glad you came!"

Isshin grinned broadly at the girl and ran forward to sweep her up into a hug and spin her around, although it lacked a bit of his normally goofy flair, a testament of how heavy what he had to do was weighing on him. The girl had done so much for his family already, and he was about to place another burden on her. His only consolation was that perhaps after knowing, they would both have someone else to confide in.

"I have been remiss about spending time with the girl who is like a daughter to me!" he declared, grinning broadly at her. "Let us walk along the beach, we have much to talk about!"

Giggling, she kept up her normal schoolgirl facade, stepping back when he set her down on her feet and nodding.

"It's good to see you too, Isshin-san. A walk by the beach sounds lovely."

Kicking off her shoes, she picked them up in one hand, smiling at the feel of the warm sand between her toes as she walked. It was nice, in a way, even though the facade wasn't real, didn't really illustrate her personality, it felt good at times to be able to just relax and let the cares of the world slip away. Even if it was just an illusion. Cocking her head to one side, she smiled and nodded.

"Really? Like what, Isshin-san?"

"Ahhh, a big secret," Isshin said. "One that even Ichigo doesn't know."

Isshin had decided not to waste any time in telling Rukia the truth about him. He was half worried that if he waited any longer, he wouldn't go through with it. Only once before had Isshin told his secret to someone, and that had been his wife. He refused to have a relationship with her that was built around a lie, even if she thought he was crazy and pushed him away because of it. But Rukia would believe him, he had no doubt about that. Isshin was more worried about her hating him for it.

"I want you to know first, because when I tell him, I think it's going to make him very upset," the man said, gazing down to look at the tiny girl. "And as much as I wish it wasn't the truth, I think it's going to affect you the most."

"Affect....me?" She glanced up at him, confusion written on her face. What could he possibly be keeping from his son that would somehow affect her the most? It had to be something serious, otherwise he wouldnt be wearing the look on his face that was painted there now, that look of worried concern and slight...fear? And what would it be that he wanted her to know before he told his own son. It just didn't make sense. Assuming a look of worried confusion, she shook her head, laughing slightly.

"I don't know Isshin-san, are you sure you shouldn't tell him first? I mean, if it's a secret about him then I don't see how it would help to tell me before you tell him."

"Because it's a secret from him," Isshin said. "It's a secret from just about everyone I know. I'll show you and then I think you'll understand."

Isshin stepped back aways from the girl, locking eyes with her for just a moment before he closed his eyes and concentrated. Like flexing a muscle, Isshin's reiatsu flared to life, the air around him exploded with energy as the sand around the beach swirled around him. He could feel his clothes change as the uniform of the shinigami draped his body once more, his former Captain's coat slung over one shoulder. He reached down and rested a hand on the hilt of his zanpakutou, offering it a silent apology to the spirit that resided there for leaving him alone for so long. While he still was not near his full potential, Isshin could sense that he was close to it, perhaps that of a new Captain. It wouldn't take long before he was back to full strength. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked at Rukia and waited for her reaction.

To her credit, Rukia managed to dampen down her reaction to the sudden change, eyes widening, mouth falling open in a perfect imitation of any normal human's reaction to something like that, something that would have been considered strange and unusual. Taking a slight half-step backwards, keeping up the portrayal of just a normal highschool student, she shook her head slightly.

"I..Isshin-san, you....how did you do that?"

It occured to her that if he really was what he appeared to be, then he already knew what she was as well. And were that the case, then this would serve as a good test. If he couldn't already tell what she was, then he was NOT what he appeared to be.

"Rukia-chan, Rukia-chan," Isshin tsked. "I may be old, and I may be out of practice, but I can certainly sense reiatsus. Even those of wounded shinigami staying in my son's closet."

Isshin wasn't hurt by the girl pretending to hold on to her act. It's what any shinigami should do in a situation like that. Not that any shinigami had to ever go on assignment like Rukia had though, posing as a human for so long. It was a credit to her intelligence and skill that she had done as well as she had.

She looked down at her feet for a long moment, quiet before her head came up and violet eyes met his, expression completely different. Now, it wasnt the charming highschool girl but the calculating level gaze of the shinigami that held his eyes. "So it would seem, Isshin-san. Then you've known from the very beginning, I take it?"

It would have made sense, in a way, had he not been somehow able to completely and utterly hide his reiatsu. Rukia wasn't aware of even any captains who had the ability to completely vanish and contain their essence, and his was clearly captain level. No wonder his son had such monstrous reiatsu of his own.

"I see what you mean about this affecting Ichigo. It's definitely something that will be hard for him to come to terms with."

Isshin hung his head a bit, knowing her words were true. He had no doubt that Ichigo would be upset, and have every right to be. How could he not, after Masaki had been killed by a Hollow... something he was supposed to be protecting people from. It was perhaps, a bit more complicated than that, but essentially that's what it was. No, he couldn't ask Ichigo to forgive him, not while Isshin wasn't able to forgive himself.

"I don't expect him to come to terms with it," Isshin said, letting out a sigh and shrugging his shoulders. "But sooner or later he will have to know. And it's going to make him even more angry than he already is. Again, I'm sorry that you're going to have to deal with my actions."

Now she understood. The man standing in front of her was bothered not by his son's actions, but by his own. And though she didnt know the whole story, Rukia had a good idea it had to do with the death of the person who had been most important to both men in the Kurosaki family.

"It's about his mother, isn't it?"

Direct, to the point. That was the Rukia that those outside of the human world knew. Polite and modest, certainly. But never one to dance around an issue.

He sighed and nodded, although he refused to look away from her eyes. If there was accusations in them, he had to face it. Isshin was not a man to shirk from his responsibility. "Yes, his mother. When I came to the Living World, it was not initially because I had fallen in love with Masaki. I had already given up most of my abilities by the time I met her. If we wanted to have a family... then I had to give them up completely, there was no other way. But that still doesn't change the fact that I failed to protect her."

It hurt to talk of his failure, but it was not an unfamiliar pain. Isshin and his friend Urahara had talked it over many times, the shop owner trying to console him and tell him it was not his fault. But Isshin didn't need forgiveness from the former Captain.

"Ichigo has nearly ten years of hatred for me that I have been avoiding," he continued. "I won't shy away from my part in her death, but it will open those wounds all over for him again."

She nodded, though it wasn't out of agreement. Ichigo didn't blame his father. She knew that much, had known that much for a long time. Even if he didn't know the man had any sort of responsiblity in what had happened. Ichigo...Ichigo blamed himself. Sighing, she leaned against one of the rocks that speckled the beach, letting the light breeze blow dark hair.

"He doesn't blame you, you know. He doesn't even blame the Hollow. He blames himself for it."

"I know he does," Isshin said. "And that's the problem. All this time I wasn't able to tell him that it was my fault and not his. He's lived with guilt that shouldn't be his for so long."

That had been the worst part for Isshin, as badly as losing his wife had hurt, seeing Ichigo blame himself for it hurt so much more, especially when the guilt should have been his. It was almost unbearable.

"There are reasons besides being afraid to admit the truth to him that made me not tell him," Isshin explained. "In fact, I wanted to tell him but could not. But that doesn't change the fact that it's my fault he feels this way."

She shook her head, hopping up to perch on the rock, violet gaze lingering out over the waves. "No....it's no one's fault. Any more then it's my fault that the Hollow attacked your family in the first place, that night I arrived."

She avoided thinking about it, mostly. At least now, taking into account certain truths she knew, certain understandings that had been reached, Rukia knew that no one but herself had ever blamed her for the initial attack. She'd thought she'd ruined his life then, given him a whole new world full of its own problems and difficulties, bringing the laws and restrictions and dangers of her own world to bear on him. Granted, she hadn't been the one to awaken his spiritual energy, but had it not been for her he would never have been drawn into the thick of things. Put in danger, nearly killed so many times.

Isshin didn't respond to her comment that it was no one's fault, he had heard that sort of thing from Urahara before. As much as it might be true, when you were the one that had failed, you could never convince yourself of it without feeling like you were letting yourself off the hook.

"I wanted to thank you though Rukia-chan," Isshin said. "For helping Ichigo become who he is. I know he's not the easiest people to work with, let alone get along with. You've been there for him in situations and in ways I couldn't. You don't know how much it means to me, as a father, to know that he was in good hands."

Rukia managed a wry smile at his words. "Not the easiest to get along with" was putting it mildly, Ichigo could be downright infuriating to deal with. But, it wasn't as though she would have wanted him any other way had the opportunity presented itself. No, she had to concede that as much as he irritated her, as much as they fought and she kicked him and he insulted her, the orange-haired punk would simply not have been Ichigo if that surliness was removed.

"No, he isn't. He's a pain in the ass."

Chuckling slightly, she nodded. "But...would he be Ichigo if he were any other way?"

"At one time he was," Isshin said, giving the girl a sad smile. She couldn't have known how different Ichigo had been before his mother had died, more like Yuzu than the acerbic youth he was now. She had a point though, just because Ichigo was difficult to deal with sometimes now didn't mean Isshin loved him any less, or was any less proud of him. Besides, beneath his stubborn exterior there was an unbreakable resolve to help those in need.

"But yes, a pain in the ass is a good way to describe him now. Although... he is also worth putting up with," he added, giving Rukia a knowing look.

Feeling her cheeks heat up slightly, she glanced away with a small nod and the faint ghost of a smile on her face. "Yeah.....he is."

She wasn't used to this, wasn't used to being put on the spot that way. It wasn't even the idea that someone might know how she felt about the lanky substitute shinigami. Hell, that was practically Citywide common knowledge at this point. But that still didn't mean she was comfortable with it being brought up, shoved out for her to see, to look at. Maybe if things had been different right now, not so strained and awkward. Maybe if he remembered the way they had been.

Fiddling absently with the charm on her bracelet, as she always did when she was nervous or thoughtful, she continued, almost too softly to be heard. "He's worth facing Hell for..."

Isshin was slightly taken aback and Rukia's reaction, at the depth of feeling that her words conveyed. He had merely been testing the waters to see if she knew how Ichigo felt about her and to see how... receptive she was to that. Perhaps better than anyone Isshin knew how hard it could be for a shinigami to have feelings for a human. That was partly why staying in the Living World for any length of time was discouraged. Besides the forbidden factor there were other complications as well... But also better than anyone, Isshin knew that all those things were worth it.

"He's very stubborn," Isshin said, unable to resist the urge to reach out and place a hand on her. "But he always comes around Rukia-chan. Always."

She flinched slightly at the touch, not out of distates, but merely out of the fact that she was so unused to the casual physicality that most other people cherished, or at the least tolerated. Ichigo was really the only one who touched her all that much, and even that was limited to a degree. When he'd been in the City before, when things had been...different, then that had been different too. She'd learned to enjoy, even to crave the simple pleasure of his hand in hers, his arm around her waist, even just sitting on the couch together watching TV, cuddled up against each other.

"I know." She nodded, cheeks still tinged slightly crimson. Fingers tightened slightly around the strawberry pendant, unconsciously seeking comfort from the reality of the situation. "But....I dont know if he will this time. He's...so angry at me, and besides....he doesn't remember."

"Doesn't remember?" Isshin asked, puzzled by what she was referring to. He realized that she might not want to talk about the situation though, as it was obviously something that pained her.

He glanced down to where she was nervously playing with a charm on her wrist... a strawberry charm on a bracelet. he struggled to remember if she had it on when they had been in the Living World, but he didn't think so. "I see that you've got some new jewelry," he said, offering her a way out of the difficult question... although probably right into another difficult one.

"When he was here before...he doesn't..remember that. Which means he doesn't remember us, either... He knows it happened, because he's been told. But that....doesn't make memories reappear."

Glancing down at fingertips absently rubbing over smooth red enamel, she nodded. It was easy to forget about the little trinket, she wore it everywhere and there had only been limited time when it wasn't with her. And the last time she'd parted ways with it....he'd somehow found it and brought it back to her. Rukia knew it was Ichigo who had found the bracelet, along with the missing part of Sode no Shirayuki's tsuba. Ichigo didn't know she knew, of course. He'd thought her asleep when he'd stolen into her room to place the two on her bedside table. And she had kept it secret that she knew, preferring instead to let him think his kindness still annonymous. If he'd wanted her to know, he would have simply told her.

"Oh, this....I got it here, in one of the stores." An ironic-sounding sigh and she held up her wrist, studying the charm. "No one usually mentions it, I guess they assume Ichigo got it for me. But...he didn't. I actually got it before....things came to light. It was supposed to be sort of,...sort of like a good luck charm, I guess. A reminder."

"Ahhh, I see," he said. The ex-shinigami had hoped that his son might have given it to her as a token of affection or something like that. Not that Ichigo would consciously give the girl a token of affection but he might do it not really understanding what it meant. That was just how Ichigo did things.

"You mention 'before' and him not remembering," Isshin added. He didn't want his prying to hurt Rukia, but he needed to know exactly what was going on between the two of them if he could be of any help. "We the two of you one of the ones that have been to the City before and then left, only go come back again?"

Nodding, she let her arm drop back into her lap. "He was here first. Then I came. And at first...things were normal. Like they'd always been. Until Nii-sama decided he would "help" me out a bit. Only he meant help by posting the....truth about how I felt all over the network." She turned slightly red again at the memory of the way her brother's attempt to help her had resulted not only in getting the ball rolling, but in collossal embarassment and mortification.

"At first I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened. That...he'd hate me. Or it would ruin everything we already had. The teamwork, the closeness, the...just, everything. I mean, why would he have chosen me when he has Inoue standing there, who hangs on his every word and doesn't hide it. Who is so much more desirable and perfect and everything a man would want. But.....he didn't see it that way. He...." A gentle smile curved her lips at the memory of those first few awkward weeks, when he was still too afraid to actually say the words, too nervous around her to really do much in the way of their new relationship. "He told me he felt the same way. And then...we were happy, we were together. It was like....almost like a dream. Something that I couldn't have in our world, but...that was possible here. Because here it didn't matter if it was forbidden, didn't matter if he's human and I'm shinigami. We were just....us. Until the City took him away again. And when he came back.....he didn't remember any of it. At all...."

She bit her lip at the thought. It hurt, hurt so badly to think on it, that she had managed over the last few weeks to school herself into not thinking much about it. That wasn't to say she wanted to forget, wanted to have the memories disappear the way his had, but it just hurt to dwell on it, made it that much harder to go through every day and be faced with the reality that while things may have once been that way, they were not like that anymore and she had no way of knowing if they ever would be again.

"Ahhh Rukia-chan," Isshin said softly. He moved over onto the rock and sat next to her, wrapping his arms around the tiny girl in a fatherly embrace. Heartache for someone you loved but couldn't have was something he knew all too well. While it could be soothed and made to feel better for a time, it would never truly go away unless you were able to be with that person.

"I can't imagine how hard that must be," he told her. "Especially seeing him every day. But if what you said is true... he's still Ichigo, and he still has those feelings for you somewhere. It may just take time for them to come to surface again. I don't want to give you false hope, but don't completely despair either."

Rukia stiffened in shock at the sudden embrace, but after a few moments she felt herself relaxing. It was so warm, so comforting. She hadn't ever really had much in the way of family, and what family she did have was all regulations and formality and distance. Nothing like the open familiarity that Ichigo's family displayed towards one another, and even towards strangers like herself. And maybe that was why she found herself biting back tears, one hand curling slightly in the fabric over his arm. It was....nice. And actually made her feel as though she didn't have to keep being strong.

"It hurts..... it hurts just to see him sometimes. And know....that I can't. That I can't just....touch him, hold him, be close to him....But..I think it would hurt more not to see him..."

And like a dam breaking, everything just tumbled out. The way it hurt so much to watch him from across the room and feel the distance that she had to maintain for his benefit and his comfort, the way it was so hard to keep from reaching for his hand or his arm when they were standing or walking beside each other, the way even those few brief hours of sleep she caught between horrific nightmares seemed empty and lonely without his lanky form curled around her, and how much it crushed something inside of her when he pushed her away and turned a cold shoulder to her when he was angry, as though he seemed to know it was the easiest way to hurt her, the easiest way to "win" the fight. It wasn't fair, wasn't fair and she knew it, just as she knew that he never intended it to feel that way, and she shouldn't blame him for acting the way he'd always acted. It just.....wasn't the same on her end as it had once been. His words, his actions, they all carried so much more weight now. Because every one could potentially carry with it a finality to things, and final pair of scissors to cut the threads she hung her hope on.

"There, there," Isshin said, reaching up to wipe her tears with his sleeve, refusing to let go of the girl just yet. As much as it was hurting her, he could tell that this was something she needed to let out, something that she had been holding in for a long time and hadn't told to many people, if anyone. That was a very dangerous place to be in, because if you didn't voice your pain and your fears to people then it felt like you were all alone. And Rukia was not all alone.

"It's so hard to be with someone when being near them hurts, especially when being without them hurts even more," he told her. "You're very strong Rukia-chan, but it's okay not to be strong all the time. If you hold it all in it only gets worse."

Isshin could imagine the type of up-brining the girl had with the Kuchiki family, never being able to display or talk about your emotions, barely even being able to acknowledge that you had any. And now to be faced with so many of them, most of them painful, it was a testament to the girl's strength that she was able to carry on at all. Isshin had a family to live for when his wife died, Rukia only had the hope that one day things would get better... and he knew how tenuous that hope could be sometimes.

She certainly didn't feel strong, despite what he said. If anything, she only felt weaker, more ashamed of herself for being unable to simply move on and get through her life and just deal with the pain. That was what it meant to be a Kuchiki, at least somewhat. To always hold yourself to higher standards, to not lose control and allow your words or actions to be tainted by your own emotions. It was the part of being a Kuchiki that Rukia felt she failed the most at. But then, she could have argued that she wasn't really part of them, that she was part of Rukongai. But even that wasnt entirely true. It just wasn't in her nature to be so open or trusting with her emotions. Open and trusting normally equated with getting hurt. With being unable to fulfil your duties.

Pulling away slightly, she sighed. "I just.....I wish I knew where to go, what path to turn to. He pushes me away when I try to help him, and I....that hurts the most of all. I've always just been a burden to him, someone he had to rescue and protect and keep out of trouble. Always following at his heels without making any real difference. I...don't want that. I want to help, to stand beside him, not behind him. To help him face it, help him carry it. But he won't let me. Not...not even just as a friend." Staring up at the sky, she thought for a moment before continuing. "I'm always just following along... But I can't do anything. Even when he lost control of it then, I couldn't do anything. I even tried training with Hirako and Kensei, just so that maybe I could understand it, understand some way to help him deal with it. But...that only made him angrier."

"Caring for someone is never easy Rukia-chan," Isshin agreed as he relaxed his hug on her. Even under the best of circumstances, it was never easy and Rukia's circumstances were hardly the best. Part of him was upset with his son for putting the girl through this but another part of him understood why he had done that.

"But I don't think you've ever been a burden to him. He would never be what he is today without you. Even if I had trained him myself he wouldn't be this strong. Ichigo's strength comes from fighting for the ones he cares about, and he cares about you more than anyone else. Ichigo has trouble showing that because... Rukia, how much do you know about Masaki, Ichigo's mother?"

She knew that, knew that it wasn't easy. Nothing worth having, worth attaining was ever easy to get to or easy to hold onto. But that was what made it so hard, at least in part. It wasn't that she didn't know he cared. She knew he did. He'd told her before his departure from the City that the feelings he held for her were nothing new, were something he'd had for awhile. And because of that, she knew that they were still there somewhere. It was the combination of knowing they were there and yet still seeing him act otherwise that hurt. In a way, it was almost like a rejection of her own feelings, a rejection of what they had had, what they could have. Rukia shook her head, glancing up at him.

"Not much. I know she was killed by a Hollow, and that Ichigo blames himself. That it was an accident of some sort. I never pressed him about it, he didn't seem to want to tell me so I just left it alone."

Isshin nodded, not surprised that Ichigo hadn't told her more. It was a sensitive topic that the entire family didn't really talk about, or at least they didn't focus on all the loss and pain and changes that occurred because of it, choosing to remember the happy things about Masaki. That didn't mean that those other things still weren't there though, lurking below the surface. That they didn't affect Ichigo now, especially in his relationship with his mother.

"Before Masaki died, Ichigo was a very different boy," Isshin said. "Very much a momma's boy. As much as he scowls and looks unhappy now, that is how much Ichigo looked happy, especially around his mother. She was the first one to take him to a dojo to train. He wasn't very good at all..." Isshin chuckled at the memory, comparing the image of his son back then to that of the young man now. It was so diametrically opposite it was frightening.

"Whenever he got hit he would cry," the man continued, looking down at Rukia. "No one could get him to stop crying but her. The instant she was there the tears and wailing would cease and a smile would spread over his face. I had never seen anything like it in my life. His mother was everything to Ichigo, his strength and the very reason he woke up every morning. When she died..."

Isshin paused for a moment, a lump forming in his throat at the memory of his dead wife. It never hurt more than when he remembered how her death had affected his children. Isshin deserved to be hurt by his failure, but Ichigo, Karin, and Yuzu didn't... swallowing the lump down and blinking back any tears that threatened to fall, Isshin continued.

"After she died he had changed completely," he said softly. "Smiles were replaced with scowls, laughter with yelling... never once did he cry again when he was hit while training. I don't even remember him really losing after that. It was as if his mother wasn't there to comfort him, then he refused to need comfort. I've never seen him rely on anyone since that day... until you came along. You might not have been able to see it, but my son has smiled more in his life since meeting you than he did all the years between his mother's death and the night he met you. Ichigo cares for you Rukia, but he's afraid of it. Afraid because the only other person he ever needed in life died, and it crushed him."

Rukia simply sat in silence as Isshin explained, her mind trying to picture the surly young man she cared so much for as that carefree, happy child. It struck a chord in her, something that seemed hollow and empty, to think of how far he had gone, how much he had changed. Granted, she had never known him that way, but the shinigami had always suspected that the Ichigo of today was very different than the Ichigo he had once been. He never spoke of it, but there were signs. Subtle hints here and there, in things that he said or did, or the way he acted in some situations.

And as much as she understood, it hurt. Not in the same way her own pain did, but it made her hurt for him, that that child he had been was forced to go through so much. It made her own childhood growing up in the slums of Rukongai seem like so much less of a hardship. At least in her case, she'd never even had someone like that, someone who had been her whole world, so she couldnt understand what it would have been like to lose that person.

"I.....he always scowls, even when he's actually not mad. He just tries to hide it. But...he used to smile for me. Just...just for me. Like it was a special gift he was giving me. But I've....never seen him afraid. Except once. I don't remember it much, but when he saved me from Di Roy, last month.....I remember when everything was going black...his face."

It really was the only time she'd ever seen Ichigo look afraid, look lost. And in a way...it had bolstered her hope at the time. Given her some degree of peace when she'd thought death was apparent, to know that at the very least she would be able to see those feelings one more time before she died, even if they had been masked with fear.

Isshin had a vague understanding of what Ichigo might have felt seeing Rukia almost die. He didn't know anything about the situation really but the feeling of thinking you might lose something else precious to you was almost crippling. Isshin had felt it when Ichigo had left for Soul Society to save Rukia, and then he only knew that his son would be in a dangerous area, he hadn't see the boy dying before his very eyes. The father thought the look on his son's face would not have been one of fear, but of terror.

"I think we both know that Ichigo is afraid far more than he lets on," Isshin said. "I happen to think that's because he has a lot to lose."

He glanced down at the petite shinigami and gave her a smile, leaving no doubt about what it was that was so valuable his son would lose it. And now that he knew how much Ichigo meant to Rukia... he wished even more that his son would admit his feelings for the girl. If any two people he knew deserved to be together and in love, it was those too. What did those silly Harry Potter Fanfictions he read call it... a One True Pairing?

"And I know it must hurt Rukia, and I have no right to ask this but... please be a little more patient with him?" Isshin asked. "I know he cares for you... for your sake as well as his please continue to give him a chance to show it. I care about the two of you too much not to see you happy together..."

Staring down at the surf as the incoming tide struck the rocks, she chuckled slightly, trying to hide the faint note of bitterness that tinged it. It wasn't really a bitterness towards him, towards Ichigo, or even towards the situation. Rather, it was her own sense of irony at the situation that spoke up. Biting her lip for a moment, she glanced back up at Isshin, eyes shining with tears she stubbornly refused to shed.

"I don't think you understand, Isshin-san. It doesn't matter how much it hurts. How lonely it feels. I'd wait forever for him.... just as I know that if it came down to it, I'd face exile for the chance to be together with him."

"Ahhh, my courageous little Rukia-chan," Isshin said, leaving over to give her a fatherly kiss on the forehead, wishing that the simple gesture could take away all the pain. "I do know how it feels," he told her with a sly wink. "And let me encourage you with this... all the hurt, all the pain, all the agony of losing someone you love... those few moments you have together with them is all worth it. Even if you never get to hear them again say they love you... it's all worth it. Exile is paradise when you're with the one you want."

Smiling slightly, she nodded. That was certainly feasible, she was so happy with him that it wasn't that far-fetched to imagine that spending an entire lifetime with him would be wonderful. But...her lifetime was nothing like his. Even if she did make that choice, he would age and she wouldn't.

"I'm....sure it would be, Isshin-san. Though I don't know how it would work, even if I....even if it did come down to that. I would spend years watching him age, while I stayed the same. It....it would never be fair to him."

She'd never actually sat down and thought about the possibilities. Exile, the consequences, they had always hung heavy in the gack of her mind, always something that loomed shadowing over her thoughts. Even knowing that she would have followed him, there was still the fact of how everything would have worked.

A broad grin blossomed over the man's scruffy face at her comment, even though the gesture seemed out of place for their current talk he couldn't help it. He was partially amused that Rukia always seemed to look on the down side of things, unable to give her self hardly any hope. Isshin supposed part of that came from growing up in Rukongai, all the loss and hardship that came from that. He hoped that one day that outlook would change for her.

"Don't worry Rukia-chan," he told her. "There are ways to get around things like that if you decide that's what you truly want. I may look young and in excellent shape for my age but I assure you that I looked a full twenty years younger when I first came to the Living World. You already almost became human once, remember? If you decide that you truly do want to be with him Rukia, I promise you there is a way."

Her eyes widened at his declaration, amazed that something like that was even possible. But....given his association with Urahara Kisuke, she supposed it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. And in a way...it helped. She didn't know if things would ever come to that, but in a way...it made things a bit better to know that should she choose that route, that things weren't totally impossible. Smiling, she nodded.

"Thank you, Isshin-san."

Grinning broadly back, Isshin stood up and stretched his arms, as if their long, serious conversation had tired them and he was signaling and end to it. Besides, that was enough crying and almost crying for the both of them for one day. As painful as it had been though, Isshin felt that they had both gotten things off of their chest that they needed to. It had been very... therapeutic, at least for him. If he had to hazard a guess he would have said Rukia felt better about the whole situation as well.

"But first, you have to survive long enough to get to the point where you can make that decision. And sparring against two vaizards is not particularly conducive to survival," he chastised, although if it was as a fatherly figure or a former shinigami Captain, it was hard to tell. "You don't have to fight against them to understand them. You can't help anyone if you're to run down from training, especially when you have trouble sleeping anyways. I understand Yoruichi helped or is helping you train? If you want to get better Rukia you need to have someone put you on a regimen, not push yourself until you break."

She shook her head, ignoring the embarassment that came from being chided by a former captain. "I can't sleep unless he's there. And I don't have the right to demand that from him." It wasn't really that much of a secret that she didn't sleep much, and the dark circles that seemed to perpetually ring her eyes these days spoke volumes as to the effect it had on her physically. But she knew that the reverse was even worse. She could either be tired, worn thin, and focused. Or she could be scared, trembling, mentally battered from the effects sleep had on her now.

"I do have a regimen. It's just not the sort that most people understand."

"Alright then," Isshin said, crossing his arms over his broad chest as he looked down at her. "Make me understand it."

His dark eyes locked on to her violent ones, refusing to look away. He gaze wasn't accusatory but it let her know that he demanded an answer. As easy going and as much of a buffoon as he was sometimes he had also lead men and women into battle, seen them fight and die because of his orders. He had spent the better part of his death training to be a shinigami and he knew everything there was to know about it. If Rukia's regimen really was good for her, and it really was going to help her improve, then he would let it slide. But if he thought it was just a reason to punish herself or if it was more detrimental than beneficial, Isshin wasn't afraid to say something.

To her credit, she stared him down with a level gaze, not at all intimidated by his expression. "I have one of two options, Isshin-san. I can either waste my time trying unsuccessfully to sleep, leaving me unsettled, unstable, of no use to anyone. Or I can use that time to my advantage, to focus what I know and keep myself sharp. Practice, drill. Until it's perfect. It keeps my mind off of things, helps me keep my focus. Kidou, hakudo, swordplay. Doesn't matter which one, as long as I can focus on it. Or even shunko, with Yoruichi-sensei's supervision."

She didn't really expect him to understand, most people didn't. They didn't know how it felt to be so terrified of what sleep brought that you would go to any lengths to avoid it, even to the point where you fled from it's clutches for days on end, only to exhaust yourself and collapse on the floor of the training area. And then, to be able to get only a scant 4 hours or so at most before the nightmares drove you from sleep and into the training again. Like a vicious cycle that she couldn't break from.

He listened very intently to what she was saying, not missing the defiance in her voice, the one that came from being the girl that grew up in Rukongai and had to survive on instincts and strength of will alone. That was what he saw staring back at him, not the cold acceptance of a Kuchiki. Those were probably the traits that were going to serve her best, and in the end would keep her alive.

"Very well," Isshin said, his voice still firm. "Not that you need it, but I accept that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. If there is anything I can do to assist, please let me know. And Rukia..." his voice and expression softened again. "Please take care of yourself. Ichigo is not the only one that cares about you."

Seeing his features soften had the same effect on her, her own face softening slightly. It felt good to know that someone cared, that someone understood. And the fact that he wasn't questioning her brutally hard regimen was a settling thought to her. She had enough people already questioning it, enough people railing against it. One more on her side of the arguement was most appreciated. "Thank you, Isshin-san.."