tampered | Log: Ongoing

Log: Ongoing

When; July 5th, Evening
Rating; Ummm, lots and lots of profanity. And... talking about the birds and the bees.
Characters; Kurosaki Isshin

citysbestdad and Kurosaki Ichigo

strawberried[Unknown site tag]
Summary; Isshin has "the talk" with Ichigo. Then tells him that he's an ex-shinigami captain.

Isshin fidgeted nervously as he waited on the couch for his son to stop by. He had been putting this day off for so long it felt like it would never come, that he would be spared having to ever have it. But he couldn't delay it any longer, especially not with talks of war. He couldn't deny that there was a chance he would be pulled into the conflict, and that would not be how he wanted the boy to find out.

Not only that, but he had seemed to upset Rangiku earlier, one of the few true friends he did have in the City. He was more worried for her sake though than his own loss. He didn't want her to go out and do something foolish that she would regret later. Isshin would much rather have the girl upset at him than herself. Still, it would have been nice to have someone to talk to after all of this. He had really made his own bed with this though, and now he had no choice but to lie in it.

The older man took another deep sigh and tapped his fingers on his knees. The silence was almost physically oppressive, he could actually hear the second hand of the clock on the wall ticking by and could swear it was going slower than it ought to be. If his son didn't come soon...

The knock on the door had him springing up from the couch.

"AHA!!! Papa Kurosaki comes to answer the door for his beloved son!" he cried, scrambling for the door. He just hoped he didn't throw up in the boy's face because he was so nervous.

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Ichigo wasn't entirely sure what this was all about -- on the one hand, what else would that old pervert have to talk to him about? But on the other... his dad hadn't been this serious in a long time. Which awoke another slew of questions Ichigo couldn't even begin to answer.

What was so important? And why was it so important now?

One terrifying thought answered both questions easily enough, but Ichigo was determined never to let his dad know he was a shinigami. Vaizard. Whatever he was.

He just knew his family would never find out. They stayed out of it.

Then again, if this was just a big farce to get his ass over here for the sex talk, he would be very unappreciative. Very, very unappreciative, and then reward his loving father with a kick to the face.

It wasn't a long walk to his dad's apartment -- why did he live next door? Why? -- and Ichigo stopped for a moment outside the door, seriously contemplating turning tail and getting the hell out of dodge. Until he realized he would just be hunted down.

Then he knocked on the door, already prepared for the customary attack.

Isshin almost wished that the door would open outward, so that he could slam into it and let his momentum carry him through into his son. It just wasn't the same when you had to open the door, rear back, then leap.

So instead, he opened the door and just stood there, flinging his hands out wide in invitation for a hug. Of course, as soon as his son approached he was going to kick him in the face, or at least try to.

It was a weird type of ritual, attacking his son, but it calmed his nerves somewhat. He tried not to think about the fact that this would probably be the last time they would do something like this... possibly the last conversation they would ever have. Isshin promised himself he would take every opportunity to enjoy it he could.

Ichigo wasn't fooled by his dad's attempt at a hug, even if he was a little surprised by the lack of flying attack. He was still tensed for it, in fact, and he didn't relax as he shot his dad a skeptical look, tentatively walking into the apartment.

He tried not to think that Isshin apparently shared this place with Matsumoto-san, because Ichigo distinctly remembered her trying to earn a place to stay in the house by undressing for him. Who knew what she and his dad could be doing? And none of the options sounded particularly pleasant.

Ah, there was the obligatory kick. Ichigo didn't have too difficult of a time blocking it, throwing up an arm and sidestepping out of the way, though he'd never admit that his dad would've caught him if Ichigo'd been any slower. It'd been a long time since Isshin had gotten in a good one on him -- at least, when he was paying attention; those damn surprise attacks still worked sometimes -- and Ichigo intended to keep it that way.

"Crazy old man!" he shouted, brows pulling together angrily, even though it was like stating the obvious now. "I didn't come over here to be attacked!"

"Haha, but you didn't come over here to not get attacked, did you?" Isshin asked, the man always enjoying throwing his son a good nonsensical curve ball every now and then. Isshin turned away from the boy and headed back into the apartment, as if it were no big deal that he had tried to kick his son in the face. Which, as far as Isshin was concerned, it really wasn't.

"Aha, come in son, come in!" he called out behind him as he moved back to the couch. "If you see any women's under garments or such around, please disregard them, Rangiku-san seems to shed them everywhere."

It might have been a low blow, mentioning the other woman like that, but he couldn't help it. The fact that the woman was his roommate was too wonderful for him to pass up, especially considering this would be the last time he could get away with it.

"But don't let it distract you from our important talk!" he reminded his son.

Ichigo stared blankly at his dad, the kind of face only an exasperated offspring could perform for a parent that was making absolutely no sense. But then again, Ichigo was perfectly used to Isshin's insane ramblings; the Kurosaki family didn't exactly fall into a category that was considered "normal", as much as Ichigo wished it wasn't so.

What he wouldn't give to be "normal".

He gingerly followed Isshin into the apartment, stopping in his tracks at the mention of underthings roaming around the place. Shit, now he was blushing. Ducking his head down -- so 1) his dad wouldn't see his face, and 2) he wouldn't see said undergarments -- Ichigo scratched the back of his head and took a seat. A little too quickly.

"Yeah, about that," he said a little stiffly, sincerely hoping that his blush was fading. "Can we get this over with?"

Isshin folder his hands behind his back and began pacing the room, not saying anything for a moment as he worked to increase the dramatic tension of the situation. Creating the right mood for this was everything, it was more paramount than the talk itself.

"Ichigo," he began. "There comes a time in every young man's life when he's faced with a decision, a decision that's so important it will shape who and what he is for the rest of his life. I cannot tell you when that moment will be, or how exactly when it will happen, and I certainly can't be there with you when it does... but I can prepare you..."

Whipping around, Isshin reaching into his pockets and drew out the two items that he had been saving for several days for this moment. A banana and the foil packet of a condom. Oddly enough, the condom was given to him by Rukia, and as much as he wanted to let his son in on that fact, he thought it would be a little cruel. Even by his standards.

"It is time to begin your education!"

Ichigo found himself sucked into the situation in spite of himself, scooting to the edge of his seat, his eyes trained on his dad as he paced the room. Ichigo wasn't letting his guard down completely, but. Well. He couldn't help himself.

Until Isshin ruined it.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Ichigo merely looked extremely harrassed, a blush tinging his cheeks as he took in the banana and -- shit, it was a condom. Was his dad seriously going to try to give him a demonstration?!

Ichigo answered his own question. Yes. His dad was going to roll a condom onto a banana.

"Dad!" he shreiked, eyebrow twitching erratically. Twitch. Twitch. "I know how to use a condom."

"WHAT?! Have I neglected my duties as a father? Am I too late? Did I not prepare my son early enough!" Isshin wailed, in full dramatics now as he cried to the heavens. He knew very well that Ichigo had definitely not had sex. Anyone who had been laid could not have been as uptight as Ichigo was.

"Alas, I hope at least that you learned well," he said, turning to his son. "That someone along the way, perhaps the girl to first deflower you, has taught you well..."

Without a word Isshin tossed the banana and condom at Ichigo and crossed his arms over his chest, staring at the boy.

"Let me make sure you put it on right, I'm not ready to be a grandfather yet," he added. "And don't think I don't know how it goes, I am a doctor!"

Oh god. Oh god. This was going to be one of those nights, and his dad would never shut up about this for the rest of his life unless they got it over with. Either that, or he could make a run for it and risk everyone on the network knowing he was a virgin by noon tomorrow.

"I didn't--you're--deflower me?!" he yelled, getting to his feet. Twitch. Twitch. He hadn't been deflowered -- not that he was going to tell his dad -- by anyone, and -- oh shit, flying banana.

Ichigo caught the banana easily, but the condom smacked into his shoulder before falling into his outstretched palm. It took him a moment, but Ichigo finally realized he was carrying a banana in one hand, and a condom in the other.

Then he freaked out.

"NO FUCKING WAY." He waved his hands around, as if they were suddenly set on fire, his face rivaling lobsters in color.

"Fine then!" Isshin said, snatching the banana and condom from his son's hand. "If you refuse to then you must sit as I demonstrate!"

With is final words, the older man planted a foot to his son's chest and kicked him back down until Ichigo was sitting back on the couch. If his son was going to object to such a thing as putting a condom on a banana there was no way he could handle anything more.

"It is very important to be careful when opening the foil packet!" Isshin began, holding out the condom to demonstrate. "You must be careful not to tear the condom! Otherwise you go through a whole lot of trouble for lots of nothing. Second, never put the condom on inside out! Third, when rolling it on, make sure to pinch the little area up top to ensure no air is trapped into it!"

As Isshin spoke, he demonstrated each step. He honestly didn't care if Ichigo was paying attention or not. He was sure his son knew how to use a condom, it was the mortification that counted.

"That prevents the condom from blowing off if you have a large load with nowhere to go," he continued. "So remember, pinch the tip!"

Ichigo was too distracted with juggling bananas and condoms to really stop his dad from kicking him back on the couch. Yelping in spite of himself, he landed heavily on his ass, stunned into speechlessness and gaping a little stupidly.

It was just... he just... Ichigo had many ideas of what this "talk" was going to be like -- he'd been hoping this would never happen, but that was his father for you -- but this was a nightmare. Worse than a nightmare, because Isshin was enjoying it. A little too much.

Still blushing uncontrollably, Ichigo smacked a hand to his face at the mention of a "large load". Holy shit, he did not just say that.

He did.

"D-Dad..." he stuttered, voice almost desperate. Ichigo wasn't above begging right now. "Please... stop."

“Hah, fine,” Isshin said, tossing the now very well protected banana back at his son. Perhaps he could keep it as some sort of reference until the boy was used to doing it himself. Not that it was really that hard to pick up.

“Now, I don’t have the medical charts I did back home,” Isshin explained. “But I was able to borrow this from the hospital here…”

Isshin stepped out of the room for a moment and pulled a rather large, rather descriptive poster. He figured that this, if anything, was going to set his son off enough that he would try to leave. The ex-shinigami figured that would be the time he pulled his son back and explained to him what he used to be. Because if his son was going to never talk to him again, Isshin was going to have fun messing with him before that.

“This is the vagina,” he stated clinically, pointing with his index finger, as if the picture could ever be mistaken for anything else. “There are several particular points of interest, but being the age you are I doubt your hormones will grant you enough patience to pay proper attention to all of them. Of particular importance is the clit, located here… stimulation of this is almost always critical in order for the woman to reach orgasm… Are you paying attention?! You come from a long line of impressive lovers, I’ll not have you besmirching that record~!”

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Log: Ongoing

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