Log; Complete - PART 1

[conflictive.livejournal.com]

When; Sunday, after Evelynne's impending party and suchlike. X)
Rating; NC-17
Characters; Zack | yourarmor & Cloud | conflictive
Summary; They do it.
NOTE; This log kind of defies LJ's entry word limit, so it's been split up into three or so parts. >: Sorry!
Log;

Zack was usually not one to complain at all, but damn, it was a boring day.
Nothing seemed to satisfy him enough, not even eating which was
amazing in itself. The raven-haired man just found himself flopped down on
the couch, arms extended over and spread out on top of said couch, simply
relaxing back with his eyes closed.

He really did try everything to get himself motivated to do something other
than go over to his neighbor's apartments and bother them, but everyone had
been acting funny for a while. He guessed it had to do with that whole “oh
god, we're going to blow up sometime soon” thing. Zack thought it was bull,
actually, seeing as he's been living in the city for years now and no such
blowing up has happed so far. And if it really was true? Well, then they'd
just have to find a way to stop it from happening! The city tended to have a
secret way of allowing one to get what they wanted, so if people put their
heads together and thought hard enough Zack was positive things would turn
out to be the best. Besides, why complain and worry when people are alive
and you're around the ones you love?

Yeah, he honestly didn't see why it should matter all that much. Panic
wasn't something he was used to, except on certain occasions. The thought of
such always brought him back to the day where he and Cloud had nightmares
all day, and he quickly pushed the thought away as soon as it came. No sense
in dwelling on the past, since it was in the past and all.

Besides, Zack wanted to keep an optimistic air about him 24/7, especially
with Cloud around all the time. It wasn't that he thought Cloud wasn't
optimistic himself from time to time, he just knew the blond had some issues
keeping it up for long periods of time. So he knew it was best to just smile
and try to get the other to smile with him. Zack liked it best when he was
smiling anyways.

But for now? He was still bored, and that's all he could focus on.

Rolling his eyes up at the ceiling, Zack sighed a bit and decided maybe he
should take a walk or something. Perhaps tug Cloud outside of his hole and
make sure he was getting some fresh air. Countless ideas flipped through
Zack's head, but he was having trouble getting up and doing any of them.

Meanwhile, Cloud was experiencing an equally uneventful day. He was less
adverse to venturing into the outside world than he had been during the
first few weeks of his stay, but still tentative when it came to doing so.
It made him guilty that Zack generally followed suit if he decided to stay
indoors, which was all the time, because he knew that Zack wasn't the type
who was meant to be kept confined within a house.

Having so little to do was strange to him. Thus far, he'd always had a
set, stable purpose in life - when he'd been young, it had been to get
into SOLDIER and grow strong, like Sephiroth. Later, it'd been to save the
world, and even once Sephiroth had been defeated, he'd had the orphanage
and his business to attend to. Cloud enjoyed being busy; it kept his mind
off things he'd rather not think about, but now, he was finding it
difficult to adequately preoccupy himself.

There had been a time when Cloud had sincerely believed that he'd have no
shortage of work to do in Zack's house, considering the degree of sheer
disorder it had been in at his arrival. He'd been sadly mistaken. In
reality, there were only so many times you could organize a sock drawer,
even if its owner never failed to disrupt the order whenever given the
chance. It had taken Cloud quite a while to accept this.

So now that he genuinely had nothing to do, after the 47th round or so of
the house in fruitless search of any chores he could possibly do, Cloud
decided that turning to Zack was a good idea. The other man generally had
no trouble with coming up with ways to waste time, considering Cloud was
convinced that doing so was Zack's specialty, no less.

Unsurprisingly, Cloud found him on his customary spot, draped over the
couch, occupying the entire length of it. Napping? He briefly considered
sneaking up on him and surprising him, just to see his reaction, but
realized the consequences were probably greater than it was worth it. Then
again, from Cloud's experience, Zack slept like there was no tomorrow, to
the extent that no amount of prodding or shoving or shouting could bring
him to consciousness.

He settled with flopping down next to the couch. Cloud was mildly
surprised to see that Zack was conscious, but only marginally so, judging
by the vacant expression his face, which stared up blankly at the ceiling.

While Zack's place wasn't huge but also not small in the least, he found
himself always questioning the whereabouts of Cloud every now and then. And
the guy didn't usually go outside unless Zack prodded him to do so, and even
then he sometimes went rather grumpily. But Zack knew better - he was just
playing hard to get, which was just Cloud's way, he decided, of showing that
he needed that little extra push and shove to get him to do things. The
raven-haired man didn't mind this at all, seeing as pushing and shoving was
his specialty.

But when violet eyes circled over to Cloud for a brief second, he blinked a
few times and grinned. Done with being the little wife he was already?
Shocking. But not really, now that he thought about it, seeing as there
really wasn't much to clean up. And to be honest? Zack made messes solely
for the purpose that Cloud would have something to do. It was sneaky and,
sure, he got scolded for messes every now and then, but the blond didn't
have much else to do most likely. But today Zack couldn't think up of any
disasters he could pull.

And it was funny; the SOLDIER found himself attempting to allow Cloud to
have his own 'life', to let him do as he pleased and not constantly keep him
in the house, but it seemed like time was turning back to when Cloud was
still young and extremely timid and shy (plus a deal shorter, or at least
when he first arrived) and clung to Zack like a lifeline. And while Zack
didn't mind this at all, he somehow thought things would be different.

Time passing by does things to people. Amazingly, Zack stayed mostly the
same while Cloud had changed a lot, despite him attempting to convince
himself that it wasn't true. He thought Cloud would be running around
doing things, not really spending all that much time around Zack or cooped
up in a closed area. Then there was that sliver of hope that, yes, the other
would just simply stick by him and just hang out and do stupid things
together. It seemed the latter was always the choice, but Cloud wasn't a kid
anymore, he wasn't entertained as easily as he was in the past. Zack was no
stranger towards entertaining people, but still.

“Done already, sweetheart?” Zack abruptly cut himself short of his thoughts
once more, craning his neck a bit to get a better look at Cloud while he
kept the grin he previously had plastered on his face intact.

“Yes,” Cloud replied, tone teasingly prideful. “While you were lazing
around, I was hard at work.”

‘Sweetheart’ - it was something Zack had made a habit out of calling him
as of late, and as strange as it might have been coming from any other
person, Cloud found that he didn’t mind it at all. Realizing this made him
wonder how much he’d changed since coming to the city. The shock from
seeing Zack again had long worn off; he no longer found it so unbelievable
that he was here, and already, he had grown accustomed to living with him,
as he done years before. Cloud no longer existed in constant fear of
suddenly waking up to find that this was all a dream, or of the other
leaving him again, as easily as he had gone before. Somehow, he’d thought
the transition would have been drawn out longer. And perhaps most
importantly, that unbearable lonesomeness he’d endured for so long was now
a feeling he could hardly recall. You didn’t have to be alone to feel
lonely.

Zack seemed to be in one of his thoughtful moods today. This was something
else Cloud had learned to grow accustomed to, and though Zack was careful
about hiding it, Cloud was more perceptive than that. It came from knowing
the other so well, especially because all seven years of their separation
had done nothing to change Zack in the least. It was something Cloud
appreciated about Zack more than anything else.

As much as Cloud knew Zack hated being seen as anything but his typical,
upbeat self, as a friend, at the very least, he felt it was necessary to
inquire. “Something wrong?”

“Something wrong? Me?” Zack rolled over so he was on his stomach while his
eyebrows rose up a bit as if he were surprised that Cloud had asked such a
question. Well, then again Cloud seemed to always have the knack of seeing
something wrong with Zack even when he was hiding it as best as he could.
But right now? No. There wasn't anything wrong, he was just thinking like he
always did when he had nothing better to do.

“Nope. But,” a finger rose to flick back some of the other's blond bangs,
one eyebrow now raised in a sort of questioning manner, “is there something
wrong with you, I'm wondering.”

In all actuality he had been thinking a little bit about the time when he
and Reno went out to get drinks after the whole nightmare incident. Both of
them just kind of blabbed to one another about random stuff, and somehow
things about 'the past' came up. And even if the redhead didn't notice after
a few (which, of course, meant many) drinks that he slipped a few things now
and then about Cloud himself, Zack sure did. He kept to his promise though
and swerved the topic to something else every time; he didn't want to hear
anything like that out of anyone else's mouth but Cloud's and Cloud's only.

It might have been easier for the blond if someone else explained things,
but Zack didn't want some fabricated kind of story where he knew others
would skip through some parts and would lay out the puzzle with a few pieces
missing. That really wouldn't fly, of course.

But for now he reached out the hand that had previously made contact with
the other's hair, nabbing Cloud by the forearm to pull him onto the couch.
Zack shifted his own weight so he was now sitting up rather than lounging
and taking up the whole space, arm casually laying across the top of the
couch while tugging on one golden spike of hair in an absent-minded way.

Cloud shook his head automatically, the gesture belied by his downcast
eyes. He couldn’t decide whether Zack was right or wrong, because in a lot
of ways, it was more complicated than just one or the other. He was
okay – he was fine, he was happy, and he wasn’t alone. At the same time,
though, as rarely as he mentioned it or tried thinking about it, there was
still that undeniable ache that came from being painfully aware that he
wasn’t home. He’d reassured himself with the hope that it would subside
with time, but it had refused to leave entirely. And it wasn’t as simple
as missing home - even if he could return home, he wouldn’t be able do so
easily, not with the knowledge that it meant leaving Zack behind.

There wasn’t a thing he didn’t hold dear, he’d once said. But just because
everything meant so much to him didn’t mean he could have everything.

Thinking about home also came with the realization that in spite of how
little Zack had changed within the time that had passed since then, Cloud
had gone through a lot. It wasn’t so much home that he missed as it was
the memories that made it hold so much significance to him, memories that
he couldn’t hope to forget, even if not all of them were pleasant, as they
made up the very fabric of his being. And knowing himself was equivalent
to existence itself.

It was difficult to accept that Zack wasn’t familiar with the story,
especially when the great majority of it had been spent with Cloud
subconsciously attempting to live as Zack. In that sense, it may as
well have been Zack’s story.

"Just overthinking things, I guess," Cloud said finally. "Like always," He
added ruefully.

A smile played on Zack's lips and he tilted his head to the side, giving a
look that was in the middle of either being concerned or amused. Probably
both, because with Zack there was always a fine line between every kind of
emotion out there. “Wanna talk about it?”

For Zack, talking was something that came easily and was his favorite thing
to do. And as much as Zack tried to get Cloud to talk to him as well, he
understood perfectly fine that the other chose what he said carefully and
didn't blurt out random strings of words just for the hell of it. It was
easy for Zack to do such and not wind up in a tight spot because he didn't
think too hard on his words before he spoke, but it was probably because he
had practice and he was just a quick thinker to begin with. Then again, he
had to be, especially back when he worked with ShinRa. You had to be quick,
swift, and not make any mistakes; it was drilled into Zack's mind to have
confidence and not fail.

But the funny thing was that Zack found that it was alright to fail, because
it made you stronger. Learning from your mistakes was the best way to get
stronger, after all. So as much as he bragged about being great and the
best, Zack had many flaws of his own that he clearly recognized and didn't
ignore. Didn't have to be in the area of fighting and being physically
and/or mentally strong, but there were other things that were untouchables.
Everyone had those, right? Zack just hid them better than anyone else, he
guessed.

And every time he looked at Cloud, he realized there were many, many
things that couldn't be said without not knowing the outcome of his own
actions towards the blond. It was a complicated situation that he put
himself into at times, but he somehow managed to not dig too deep to the
point where Cloud got uncomfortable and something bad happened. He would
avoid that at all costs, even if it left Cloud curious and anxious to know
what was bothering Zack. Cloud's happiness and safety came before his own;
it was an unsaid vow he made a long, long time ago.

Cloud found the offer a lot more surprising than it should have been,
mostly because “talking” was an activity that the two, thus far, had been
especially careful to avoid engaging in. Or more specifically, talking
that had to do with that – what the both of them had on mind and
was undeniably there, but particularly difficult to acknowledge, much less
confront.

He wasn’t sure why it’d been so hard to broach the subject for this long.
It was stupid, really; Zack was his best friend, and he wasn’t supposed to
have so much trouble being open to him and confiding in him. But it was
him just being Cloud - still awkward and difficult as ever.

“I’m not sure where I should begin.”

“Well, the beginning is always a nice place to start.” Zack used his words
carefully but in a playful way to tease him into making whatever he just got
them into a little more cheerful – or at least not as glum. Then again, he
didn't expect whatever Cloud had to say would be happy daisies and roses,
especially if it was something he was hesitating in talking about.

It took Zack a moment to realized that he didn't get them into just any
topic, but something he was quietly prodding into for a while now. Yes, he
was just a bit slow in realizing this, but it was probably for the fact that
he usually tried to take everything in baby steps and try to make it as
ridiculously exciting as ever despite any down sides to their conversations.
The raven-haired man recalled Cloud asking him if he could stay serious for
more than five minutes. Most of the time, the answer was “no”. But for now?
He had a feeling he'd need to nab more time for this conversation.

“Well,” he chimed in quickly, relaxing back into his seat as he looked away
from Cloud and up at the ceiling (it seemed to be getting a lot of attention
lately) in an almost distracted way, “I mean, you don't have to if you don't
wanna.” If Cloud was still uncomfortable and didn't want to explain himself
or say anything at all, Zack, once again, could wait. He hated being
curious, but it was in his nature; though that could be thrown aside for now
even though he already knew the blond was probably going to press on.

Zack was just giving him the option not to, like always.

Cloud rolled his eyes. It was officially confirmed; Zack was physically
incapable of maintaining a straight face for longer than a couple minutes.
It didn’t help that the feeling was contagious, considering it was
impossible for Cloud to stay morbid around Zack for too long.

He shook his head firmly. “No, I do want to. Keeping it to myself isn’t
doing either of us any good.” He’d said “us” almost deliberately, but at
the same time unconsciously, as though naturally, it affected him just as
much as it affected Zack. So much was probably accurate.

Cloud knew Zack hadn’t meant it, but “the beginning” was terribly vague,
and applied to a variety of things. There was always the conventional
beginning, with his childhood in Nibelheim and aspirations to become a
SOLDIER, but Cloud knew that Zack was already familiar with that chapter
of his life, as he’d shared it with him when the two had befriended each
other during Cloud’s short-lived career with ShinRa. They’d been partners,
the two of them, in spite of Cloud’s failure to pass the SOLDIER selection
exam, which was something he’d never quite forgiven himself for. Joining
AVALANCHE had been a beginning, as had meeting Aerith for the first time.
His final confrontation with Sephiroth had also been a beginning. And
Zack’s death – the end of his life – had been a beginning, as it had
brought about Cloud’s reawakening to his “new” life in Midgar as a
mercenary, equipped with little more than his false, fragmented memories
in a barely stable semblance of functionality.

“Do you remember how I said I’d become a SOLDIER, one way or another?” It
was a question that might as well have gone unasked. “I really meant it.”

Zack slightly shifted in his seat on the couch, now focusing all his
attention on Cloud as the other spoke firmly and almost in a somewhat
determined way. It didn't surprise him in the least – whenever Cloud had
anything important to say, Zack noted that he usually spoke with utmost
perseverance and complete concentration. It was something Zack himself
lacked half of the time since he said almost everything off-handedly, like
it was one of those “matter-of-fact” kind of things, as if it were already
known but he had to repeat himself anyway.

Maybe it was because he was carefree, and maybe it was because he was just
that good of an actor. Zack never revealed if it was either or, and he
wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible. It always kept that
mysterious air about him, after all. He liked to keep people on their toes
while guessing what was going to happen next.

“Of course I do, and of course you did.” For now he put on a straight,
semi-serious but also equally as gentle tone of voice and air about him.
Right now, it was about Cloud and Cloud only, so he attempted to control
himself. But despite popular belief, Zack could be a very, very serious
person when he wanted to be, so it wasn't as hard as people probably thought
it to be.

Though he stopped there as if urging Cloud to go on, giving a little
nonphysical nudge inside the silence that passed through them as an
understanding but curious look still stood on his face.

"I really idolized you, you know?" Again, something else that might as
well have gone unsaid. "You and Sephiroth." As much as Cloud teased Zack
whenever he boasted his greatness, it'd been true in the past, and still
was. He'd epitomized everything Cloud had considered worth being, so much
that it'd been burned into his mentality to do everything within his power
to become him - even in the subconscious.

"So when you... were gone, I was so helpless." It was growing increasingly
difficult for Cloud to meet Zack's eyes, as childish as it probably was.
But everything about Cloud was childish - for all the times he'd had to
come to terms with himself and overcome his past, there were still some
things he couldn't let go, no matter how much he'd convinced himself he
had. "Without you, I was nothing." He meant this both literally and
figuratively; when Zack had died, half of Cloud had died along with him in
the sense that he'd lost his best friend, but at the same time,
physically, losing Zack had been the final straw in setting off the
collapse of Cloud's already fragile mental state. "So I tried to become
you, because I couldn't exist otherwise."

Part of him - the unconscious half of him - had done this because it was
necessary for survival; assimilating Zack's memories made it possible for
him to fill in the gaps in his own fragmented memories, allowing him to
function normally, in the barest sense. The other half of him had done it
because it hadn't been fair. Zack had been young, vibrant, and so
full of life - so much better than Cloud, and he'd deserved life so much
more than Cloud had. So it had only made sense for him to allow Zack to
"continue" through him, by living his life for him.

"You said we'd be mercenaries when we arrived at Midgar. Partners,
remember?" Though he hadn't exactly been conscious at the time, it'd been
one of the best things he'd ever heard, when Zack had told him that. He'd
half expected the two of them to part ways once they'd come to Midgar,
since he'd assumed that Zack had his own life to live, and didn't need
unnecessary burdens like Cloud to drag around. "So when I came to Midgar,
I became a mercenary."

"It's weird, I know," he added almost apologetically, a little embarassed.
Devotion was an understatement when it came to describing the situation.
"But it's how I lived for quite a while."

It was weird, but most of the time Zack knew what to say and how to say it.
But right now? He had no clue how to start up again, especially since Cloud
was pouring out so much as there wasn't too much Zack could say back to him.
Well, there was tons he wanted to say to Cloud as well, but all of
them sounded so completely random if he didn't have the right words to piece
it all together.

To say the least, it was a bit difficult, but he kept his focus on Cloud
despite this and allowed a short silence to pass through them.

“It's not weird at all,” he finally said, coming to a somewhat firm
conclusion. “I don't know if it's right for me to say this or not, but
I'm... honored.” Zack allowed to let a small, short laugh out, but regained
control quickly before shaking his head. “I know I shouldn't say that since
you went through so much, and here I am saying I'm honored.” He honestly
didn't think that was enough, especially since the honor came through
Cloud's pain and misery. It wasn't fair to Cloud, but Zack felt a sort of
happy swelling in the middle of his chest when the other kept saying things
about himself that made him feel like some kind of idol. Sure, the blond
did say he idolized Zack, but it was different when said aloud.
Especially when it came from Cloud, someone Zack tried so hard to get to
open up, and actually succeeded in after nudging and prodding for god knows
how long.

And Zack wasn't one to fool himself; Cloud was the most important person in
his life. At first, he found him a good subject to try and talk to. He was
timid, shorter than most of the other guys around him, young, had blond hair
and blue eyes which stuck out like a sore thumb, and looked like he had no
friends at all. Zack hated that the most above all, when someone had no
friends or was shunned and ignored. So there was an automatic urge to go and
befriend him, and also see his reaction in the meantime.

He wouldn't forget the look on the other's face, that sort of shock and “are
you seriously talking to me?” look – it was pure gold. But Zack
didn't know why that usually was the case. Was it so weird for a First Class
SOLDIER to talk to someone at a lower rank or whatever? They were all human,
all people and all had lives of their own. It was silly, those rankings.
Yeah, so he was stronger than most other people. So what, big deal. If you
had a crappy personality it would just further this whole “big deal” thing.
And it wasn't like Sephiroth had a crappy attitude, really, he was
just a lot more emotionless and cold. Zack was thankful he was one of the
only people who saw him smile every now and then, or at least smirk and act
normal and human. That's probably what pissed him off even
more when the guy went insane; he went back into that stupid hole of his but
this time dug himself really deep. Mother, the promised land, all that shit
that Zack tried to tell him wasn't true... it was disappointing, especially
when he crushed Cloud's dreams of being like him.

Now that's what pissed him off the most, more than anything else. Hurting
Cloud, breaking him a little more and tossing away his feelings without
thinking twice on it. Yeah, Zack had a lot of paying back to do if he ever
saw Sephiroth again. Screw him hurting Zack as well in a more emotional
level than physical, he could live with that. But when anyone messed with
the blond, they were picking a huge ass fight with Zack.

He wondered to himself then if he should say that all out loud, but also
thought that should be elementary. If it wasn't, then Zack would somehow
show it through actions instead of words. Someday, when he could think of
something good enough.

For now though, he had to say something he's been wanting to say ever since
Cloud ended up in the city. It actually made him stumble a bit in his
thought process on how to actually say it, especially when it was the
biggest guilt eating away at him for years upon years. He wasn't sure if
Cloud wanted to hear it or not, but he needed to get it off his chest.

Zack inhaled deeply, reaching out to take both of Cloud's hands in his own,
attempting to catch onto the other's gaze for longer than a few seconds.
“First off, though, I'm really glad you told me all of this. Sorry if I
pried just a little bit,” he grinned a bit sheepishly for a moment, “but
really, thank you.” Now, the hard part.

“Cloud, I'm sorry.” Looking down at their hands in concentration, Zack
frowned a bit. “I should've had a better plan. I mean, it seemed alright at
the time, and everything really was going smoothly. Maybe I was a little
cocky, but I really did have high hopes that, you know, my ultimate plan
would go perfectly.” Shrugging a bit, he went on. “...I feel a little
responsible, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. And I know, it couldn't
be helped, and you probably don't want to hear this from me at all, but I
have to, you understand this, right?” Zack looked up again and gave a weak
smile, feeling a little defeated since he really didn't know how to explain
himself. One of the first times, he recalled.

“No, I feel completely responsible. As a friend, I wanted your safety to be
top priority, and yet I couldn't even give you that.” He couldn't give him a
good life. All he gave him was more pain because of his death, and then
some. A whole adventure. Just more shit piled on the poor boy's shoulders,
and he didn't deserve that. Not at all.

As much as he wanted to say more, he felt it wasn't right to pour everything
on Cloud. He had a hard enough time as it was feeling like a burden, which
brought Zack to his next point. “Cloud, don't ever, ever feel like
you're being a burden though, okay? We're friends, right? Friends want to
protect friends because they care about them. I only wanted to protect you
and make sure you were okay, and I still do.” Once again, he shook his head,
feeling ridiculous for allowing himself to get so serious and show so much
when he really didn't intend to. “'M sorry I couldn't protect you, and I'm
sorry you had to suffer because of it.”

Cloud felt light-hearted with these words; every time Zack told him that
they were friends, and that he'd always look out for him, he felt that
much more reassured, because what he dreaded more than anything was being
left behind, and left alone. And Cloud knew that there was nothing keeping
Zack from doing so, because he couldn't find anything within himself that
made him worth the effort - he was awkward, he was insecure, and he was
problematic. All he did was depend on others and cause trouble for them,
and even if he wanted to be protected, he hated seeing people suffer on
his behalf, just because he was too weak to depend on himself. And yet,
Zack was persistent in telling Cloud how much he appreciated him, despite
everything.

But hearing all of this gave him hope, even if just a little. It hurt, how
sincere Zack was. How much he cared, in spite of all the things that made
Cloud so difficult. And how much he blamed himself, when there was truly
no reason for him to do so. How could he feel that giving up his life had
been inadequate? It was beyond Cloud.

It was unbelievable, really, how Zack kept claiming that he was the one
responsible for everything. It hadn't been his fault - he'd done
everything within his power to try to see the both of them through, and
done nothing but continue to give and give without thinking twice, until
there was nothing left to sacrifice. Zack had been blameless to the end,
and this was something that Cloud could never match up to, no matter how
hard he willed it.

"No," he shook his head, attempting a tremulous smile. "It was the best
thing you could ever have done for me." Cloud had never been good with
words, and here he was, trying to express something that words could never
amount to. "I'm... I really can't say how much it means to me."

Zack took a few seconds to just simply stare at Cloud before he smiled. It
was weird, because Zack was usually the one telling Cloud to chin up and be
happy, to not feel so guilty or act like you're a walking problem for
everyone. And here he was spilling out that he really was feeling
guilty, for more than one major thing, though.

Yes, there had been the whole “I couldn't exactly save you properly” thing,
but there was something else that had been gnawing at him for the longest
time. Way before his death and beyond, because it was an important topic
that Zack never allowed himself to touch on.

It was funny, though, because the raven-haired man had a knack at openly
throwing out his love everywhere he went, and telling people how much he
cared and appreciated the friendships he made. It really did mean a lot to
him, especially with the people who could stand it more than a short period
of time. Like Cloud, Aerith, and now new people like Sakura. But especially
Cloud, since he's stuck around him for so long and put up with so much
ridiculous crap that Zack seemed to like to tease him with. And really? The
teasing was just a way of showing affection. It was never in a cruel way of
course, just in one of those ways to show that he cared enough and felt
comfortable around the blond to be able to do, well, anything.

But there was always that fine line between friendship and something more.
And Zack, heaven forbid, had noticed this after a few weeks of meeting
Cloud. It was weird and kind of strange, especially since he had a
girlfriend waiting for him back at home – a really pretty one, in fact, that
also put up with Zack and his wild, outrageous self. And it would probably
be foolish of him to say this, but the two had a lot in common. Aerith was
always a quiet person, more reserved but also had that sort of spark because
of it. Cloud was the same way, except he wasn't good with people, but it
just made him more interesting because of it. And he'd probably be smacked
if he stated that both of them looked good in pink, but it was just another
one of those nutty connections that Zack wanted to place between them.

And even though he found so much in common, there was so much more to Cloud
that Zack wanted to find out. Amazingly, he found out more than he thought
he would, especially since the other liked to hang around with Zack.

When was it that whenever Cloud smiled, it meant more to Zack than the blond
knew? It wasn't some sort of pride that made him happy that Cloud smiled, it
was more for the fact that he was smiling at him and because he
wanted to. It wasn't everyday that he flashed smiles or laughed out loud, so
of course Zack felt a bit special whenever he opened up to him.

But there were so many things blocking him from even hinting that he might
have liked him more than a friend. For one thing, Cloud was young, a
confused individual, frail and sensitive more emotionally than anything
else. Zack was also a huge flirt back in those days, more so than he was
now, so that said a lot. Not only that, but there was work that a SOLDIER
had to do that required him to focus all his attention on work, and then
there was Aerith to think about, and just so much more that couldn't be
explained. Most of all, however, pointed towards Cloud.

There was no blame in there, however, that stated that it was the blond's
fault for Zack to falter. No, it was his own ridiculous reasons that he
tried to convince himself that it just wasn't a good idea. It was like he
came up with excuses and still, to this day, dodged the topic whenever he
could.

He wasn't clueless – Zack knew that Cloud was waiting for something.
At first, yeah, he was stupid and didn't know what exactly, but after a
while he kind of got the whole picture. And Zack felt guilty for pushing the
topic away, to try and stay away from that as long as possible. But really?
He had been waiting, what, over 7 years? Both of them, if not that long than
at least for a short while, if he recalled subtle signs correctly.

Like the date, which wasn't but a month ago. Zack had the biggest
opportunity there to say something, but he didn't. Cloud kissed him, but he
didn't respond back at all. He couldn't tell if he was afraid or not,
because what the hell should he be afraid of?

Probably for the fact that he knew Cloud would agree to almost anything Zack
said or did. Zack was scared that just because he was Zack that Cloud
would just say 'okay' and go with whatever the raven-haired man wanted. It
didn't work that way with Zack; he might've been a little selfish and greedy
at times, playful or not, but when it came to things like emotions, Zack
didn't mess around. It was a sort of untouchable thing that he couldn't
bring himself to initiate, because he wasn't sure if he could control
himself at all.

But right now they were talking seriously, right? And since Cloud brought
forth so much, Zack should tell him his own current problem. Cloud had
waited long enough since he first asked what was wrong. He owed him so much
more, but there wasn't much he could do to put all those thoughts into
words.

Zack smiled a bit wider and didn't say anything at all. Instead, one hand
let go of Cloud's and instead moved towards the other's face, cupping his
right cheek while a thumb lightly stroked naturally pink lips. And then he
didn't take another minute before leaning down, pressing his own lips
against Cloud's, the momentary 'thank you' dying within the kiss.

For the first second or so, there might have been some trace of rational,
coherent thought going through Cloud's head that told him that this was
insane and that it couldn't possibly be happening. Fortunately, his mind
promptly shut off, allowing him to simply close his eyes and lean into the
kiss, still clasping Zack's hand, as though it were the most natural thing
in the world - to hell with complications and obsessive overthinking, for
once in his life.

Rationally, of course, this should have come as a total surprise. Because
up until now, Zack had been careful never to initiate anything - if he
wasn't teasing, he was chaste, to the extent that it was painfully
deliberate, which was so strange for Zack, who Cloud had never known him
to be afraid of crossing boundaries or expressing himself with no
inhibitions.

And it'd been true that Cloud had been expecting something. He hadn't been
sure what it was, or if it made any sense at all, but it had definitely
been there, as much as he attempted to suppress it or deny it. He'd
thought it stupid of himself, really, because Zack was so familiar with
everyone, and it was ridiculous to consider himself anything special. And
wasn't it enough, being able to live with him and spend time with him and
call himself his best friend? He was already more than privileged for all
of these things, but he'd been expectant nonetheless.

He still didn't know if it was okay to assume that his expectations had
been fulfilled, because he wasn't sure what they'd been in the first
place, but at the moment, he was unwilling to invest much further thought.

The weird pressure in the bottom of Zack's stomach finally drifted away, as
if seriously nervous that his actions would receive negative feedback. So he
was extremely relieved once Cloud responded in kind, because that's exactly
what he hoped for in the first place.

It was weird, because normally Zack was the type of person to say “Oh, screw
this” and just do what he wanted. But with Cloud, he was more careful. Sure,
he pushed his buttons and did things to him that could be considered cruel
in an amusing way, but it was just to get the other to open up, which,
thankfully, happened frequently.

But when it came to stuff like this, he avoided it, simply because you never
knew how Cloud would react. Again, Zack knew something was there, but
something could slowly turn into nothing after years upon years of being
apart. Thankfully, that wasn't the case here. Zack was very, very thankful
for this fact.

And part of him, probably the more physical part of him and that portion of
his brain that didn't think before he acted, wanted to do so much more
rather than just thread his fingers into rather soft golden spikes,
deepening the kiss in an almost gentle way. “Take things slow” was never
something Zack wanted to do, because as much as he claimed he had patience
that could last till the end of the world, things like this, especially when
it came to Cloud, made him a bit antsy like a kid in a toy store. But he
convinced himself that this was alright for now, even more so when the
thought struck him that this was possibly one of the only times the blond
had been kissed. Yes, there was the time at Xanadu, but it wasn't like this
at all.

Zack seriously didn't want to push his luck, not right now at least. He
didn't want to scare Cloud, but he wanted to at least show him that he
wasn't bluffing or doing this at random.

There was a moment where he trailed to the side of Cloud's mouth, almost in
a teasing way but allowed them both a small moment to breathe (even though
Zack was clearly experienced in this area, he knew perfectly well that the
overwhelming feeling could sometimes make you forget that at some point you
needed air) before tracing his tongue lightly over the other's bottom lip,
almost experimentally, before locking lips with him once again.

When Cloud's eyes fluttered open and he attempted (with minimal success)
to mentally assess the situation, he was confronted by two things of
particular importance. Firstly, he hadn't woken up from the dream yet,
because the two of them were still on the couch and Zack was kissing him
again, and that secondly, he was experiencing the strangest mixture of
unidentifiable feelings, that altogether, admittedly, were not unpleasant
in the least.

It might of been from the light-headed giddiness that had come over him so
suddenly or maybe because he felt warm all over, as shown by the pink that
stained his cheeks, but underneath it all, Cloud knew that it was because
he was quickly deciding that he liked this, and that he wouldn't mind at
all if Zack gave him another kiss. Or two, or three. He found that he
liked being within such close proximity to him, not only because it was
comforting, but because it felt nice to be able to touch Zack's face with
tentative fingers while they kissed, and to close his eyes and hope that
this moment would never end, even if it was childish.

At the same time, though, Cloud was a little afraid, not only
because he was so new to all of this, but because he hated the idea of
disappointing Zack. He wanted desperately to please him, whether or not it
was within his ability to do so, because Zack's happiness was equivalent
to his own, and it frustrated him that he was, essentially, little more
than a child when it came to this kind of thing.