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tampered2007-08-22 08:43 pm
goddes-of-flash.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-08-22 08:43 pm
(no subject)
When; August 23rd, afternoon
Rating; PG-13ish
Characters; Shihouin Yoruichi [![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
goddes_of_flash], Urahara Kisuke [1hatwonder]
Summary; Yoruichi brings Kisuke his beloved Benihime. But what has the blade cost her?
Log;
Frowning to herself, Yoruichi grumbled slightly, shifting restlessly on the windowsill. It wasn't a very comfortable way to lay, but dammit she wanted to lay in the sun. And with her ability to transform now gone.... well, that made it a bit harder. The dark-skinned woman didn't know if the lack of what was probably her most defining skill would be permanent or not -- depending on the deities' moods at the time, you never could really tell -- but either way it didnt change the fact that right now she was stuck in her human form and there was nothing to be done about it.
Why had she done it again? Oh, that was right. Benihime. She scoffed slightly at herself. God, the sheer thought of it. Shihouin Yoruichi, who valued her freedom above all else -- didn't she? -- relinquishing one of the key things that made that sort of freedom even possible. For a man. Well, not just any man, her mind chimed in. Kisuke had never been "just a man" to her, no matter how determined she was to avoid thinking about the real reason why she'd made this sacrifice, this payment to the gods of this realm.
"God-damned narrow window...." Scowling, she shifted yet again, trying to tuck herself even smaller onto the painted ledge. Stupid window, why couldn't it have ledges that actually FIT a larger form? If she had to keep going to such ridiculous lengths just to get her daily fix of sunbeam, then there would be no point in trying to keep the truth of what she had done from Kisuke.
Urahara was walking through the temple's rooms, humming to himself and clearly lost in thought until he noticed a form on her back all scrunched up on the narrow window ledge. "What a sight for sore eyes!" He chirped to her with a massive smile. "Are you that desperate that you haven't changed into your fuzzy form? Yoruichi! You always said I was the lazy one!"
After he said that, he began to realize something - seeing her as a cat had been a while. A long while, actually.
His smiled faded, and he walked over to her, practically hovering. "Have you been sick lately?" He touched her forehead, "I just realized it's been a while since you have been a cat." If she was sick, he'd antagonize her for not speaking up and letting him actually do something for her (her independant-self annoyed him at times.)
She brushed his hand away with a frown, perhaps a slight bit more irritable in the motion than she otherwise might have been. He was being fussy, which he had a nagging habit of being at times. It was ironic, in a way, here he was the man in this "relationship", and at the same time he was the mothering one in so many ways. Nagging her to take better care of herself, fixing dinner -- she couldn't cook toast, something she and her Kuchiki protege seemed to have in common -- and other things that were just so....Kisuke, in some twisted way.
"I'm fine, Kisuke. Stop fussing. And I just haven't wanted to, is all."
Crossing arms back over her chest, she leveled golden gaze at him, hoping to drive the point across that he should change subject. Now.
Now he got her irritated. Great. Then, naturally, his mind jumped to conclusions, which weren't entirely correct some of the time... "Wait! You're not.. WAIT." His hands pointed to her lower abdomen. "Please don't..." It wasn't possible for babies in Soul Society, but he had heard strange, strange things about this city allowing it. It wasn't he didn't like kids - having Jinta and Ururu around proved the opposite as he loved them as much as a father could, but THIS!?
Oh he didn't. He did NOT just say what she thought he'd said. Slamming hands down onto the windowsill, she opened her mouth to angrily deny the completely baseless -- her, a mother?! The thought made her shudder -- accusation. Unfortunately for her, the windowsill was a bit narrow for that and she only ended up mis-balancing herself. And thus ending on the floor in a heap. "G..Goddammit Kisuke, the fuck are you on?! NO. I am NOT pregnant, you oaf!"
It wasn't even really him she was irritated with. It was just that without her normal shifting ability, everything just felt... off. She hadn't realized not only how much time she spent in feline form, but how much lacking that impacted even a simple thing like concentration.
He bent down almost as fast as she fell, face completely changed from the amused, to the horrified, now down to the dead serious expression that many feared during his most intense days working in the labs. "Yoruichi. Tell me what's wrong." She had verbally lashed out at him, and it didn't hurt him as it might have if he were any other man.
"If you deny it, prove it to me by changing into a cat, and we'll go from there." His eyes bore into hers, never wavering, hesitating, or giving away any emotion. She had grown quiet within the last couple days, but he didn't think anything of it until now. Perhaps it really wasn't a serious matter, and she was just in one of her moods, or perhaps they had spent too much time together and the closeness was becoming too much. Whatever it was, he wanted to know, even if it wasn't something he really wanted to hear.
Golden eyes narrowing, she snarled back at him. "There's nothing wrong, Kisuke. And I don't have to prove it to you." It was rather cold of her, considering how much they'd shared, how much they still shared. But this.... this wasn't something she could share. It was something he didn't need to know. And honestly, she hadn't planned on him noticing anything. She'd been hoping to just wait it out, come up with a good excuse for the blade that rested gently beneath the cushion on the futon, so close to him and yet she'd managed to somehow keep him from noticing it. Or rather, an excuse for how she had come by the cane with it's concealed weapon.
With a growl, she moved to push herself up, swearing softly under her breath as yet again, her coordination seemed to fail her, reflexes feeling dulled and sluggish still, no matter how many times she told herself there was no reason for it, that it was merely an ability she had lost, not a part of herself as it felt.
"I am fine, Kisuke."
With lightening fast reflexes, his hands caught her wrists as she tried to pull herself off the floor. "Tell me, Yoruichi." The seriousness was gone and he sounded... tired? "Please tell me why you're acting like this. It's not like you, to fall from a window, your movements are slower than I recall as well."
He was lying to himself - he saw this change at least a couple days ago and it was only building up to this. "Have you come in contact with an Arrancar, and you didn't tell me? Are you not sleeping well, worried about Rukia and Ichigo? Have I done something?" It wasn't awkward between them, but the aura of the temple definitely had changed within this time frame. He had to know what was wrong, or not wrong, just to understand her strange behavior.
Studying him, taking in the obvious worry in his face, she couldn't keep up the angry facade. With a sigh, she shook her head. "No, Kisuke. It's not anything you've done. I'm just.... tired, is all." Leaning in, she pressed lips to his in a soft kiss. Hopefully he wouldn't notice how different it was than her normal kisses to him, how much softer, gentler. It wasn't meant as a conveyance of feeling, more as simply a distraction to allow her to wriggle her wrists free of his grasp and scoot away, getting to her feet.
It took more concentration, but if she thought about it, she could mentally analyze her motions, her gait. And compensate for the sluggishness, the decreased reaction time. "Ne Kisuke~ I've got a present for you. I had to wait to give it to you, until you weren't being a collossal pain in the ass, you know."
He wasn't pleased, and pulled his hat down a little further. He hated it when she did this, avoiding questions, insisting she was fine. She was an independent woman, which was all fine and dandy and he loved her for being equally strong as men if not more, but sometimes it bothered him to no end. She could be just so damn stubborn!
Allowing this kiss to distract him, which it really didn't, he just let her have her way, he sat back indian-style. "A present?"
"That's right~ A present. Wait here."
Heading back down the hallway, trying to completely ignore the issue of her own condition and Kisuke's reaction to it. This would fix things, take his mind right off of it without hardly a second thought. Sliding the long slim box out from under the futon, she let fingers graze reverently over the top of it, smiling slightly. He may not have recognized it's presence under the bed, but she knew as soon as he touched the box, he'd know.
"I found this just lying around, thought it might come in handy." Kneeling down in front of him, she carefully set the box down between them, sitting back on her haunches to watch his reaction.
The box was long, and a familiar size... "No... no no no no no! NO!" He pratically threw off the lid and it went flying. It was exactly what he thought, lying there in the tissue, a simple walking cane often seen with elderly people.
All the tension, the questioning, the skepticism from a few moments ago vanished as tears practically fell. "My poor Benihime!" He pulled the cane out, "My beautiful Benihime!" and extracted the sword from the top, blade glistening from the sun's rays.
Then he grew embarrassed - how long had it been sitting right under his nose and he not even notice it? That was shameful of him, not only being a shinigami, but a former captain no less! He convinced himself it had to be the special box and not his being completely oblivious. Then a small voice spoke in his head. To be able to obtain things, people must give up something in return... He was told this, and couldn't possibly think of something to exchange other than his hat, which he was willing to part ways with if necesary, or memories, which he couldn't afford to lose at any cost.
"You gave up your ability to transform for me." He spoke softly as he sheathed the sword.
Worries and tension aside, there was just something about watching the man caress fingers along the smooth metal of the blade, eyes warm and soft as he reveled in that indescribable relationship that existed between a shinigami and their zanpakutou. It was a bond, deep and profound, and for a moment while watching him, she was easily able to remember why she'd done it. Why she'd made the sacrifice.
"I take it you can tolerate your present, Kisuke. I mean, I wasn't sure if you'd want anything to do with it, but I figured why not at least check and see~"
It seemed to have worked. The distraction, that is. His attention was focused solely on the sword, shifted from trying to discern what was different about her, what she'd changed or done, what was "wrong". Which meant that she was probably safe for now. Until he turned to her and drove words right to the heart of the truth. Stiffening, she kept golden eyes diverted from his gaze, not saying anything. Her silence said enough.
"You did, didn't you?" He placed the cane back down, yet hands still lingered on it's smooth texture. "Yoru..." He was fighting for words, attempting to decide if he should kiss her or throttle her.
He went for the latter.
"You didn't have to do that." His tone was calm and collected, yet he hoped she was getting his point. "It was me who should have given something up, not you. Transforming is your ablilty, and you're so proud of it and..." He looked back to his sword, "Benihime may be my zanpakutou, my extension of my soul, but you shouldn't have sacrificed something so important to you and what you take such pride in."
What he got in return was a yellow-gold glare of narrowed eyes and gritted teeth. Idiot. Did he think she hadn't thought of that? That she'd given it up easily, without thought or consideration? Not to mention.... no, she wasn't going to think about that. Wasn't going to think about how she'd have given it so many times over just for the look of joy on his face upon seeing the sword.
"I'm glad you're so grateful, Kisuke. And that you seem to think me a child incapable of proper decision-making or reasoning. Either way, what's done is done, feel free to be ungrateful should you so choose." She crossed her arms over her chest for a moment before standing up and turning away, tossing heavy ponytail over her shoulder. Well, if he was going to be an ungrateful git, she'd just go sit in the hotsprings.
It wasn't really that she was angry with him, she just... honestly, she didn't really know why she'd been so willing to sacrifice so much. Well ok, that wasn't entirely true. She knew, as much as she tried to deny that she did, to pretend things didn't run so much deeper than she let on. It wasn't smart, wasnt wise. That sort of commitment, of aknowledgement equated a relinquishment of her freedom, an admittance that as free and unrestrained as she may have been, there was a part of her that wasn't, that was bound.
He scoffed loudly behind her, "You? Think I am ungrateful? Yoruichi, I've spent nights fretting the Arrancar are going to let lose and just blow shit to pieces, and I can't do a damn thing because - oh look, Kisuke doesn't have his zanpakutou! Look how weak and pathetic he is, because he can't do anything. His kidou feels like a child attempting to tickle us, and all he has left is a sword that can't do anything except, I don't know, cut pinapple. And here you are calling me ungrateful?" He didn't mean to lash out at her, it just all came rolling off his tounge.
He paused to catch his breath, "You know I can't sleep, because I can't stop thinking. I don't know where we are, I couldn't even find it when I was looking for it back home... Yoruichi, I am more grateful for you than anything in the entire world."
Pausing in her stride, she simply stood there and took the brunt of his anger. She probably deserved it, a just payment for letting emotions get in the way of things, letting them influence the choices she made. It had always been that way with him, he was the only thing that was able to make her be so impulsive, so impetuous that even in her normal carefree manner she didn't stop to think when she did something.
"I never said you werent grateful for me, Kisuke. But maybe you should stop and think about the fact that maybe I chose to make that decision because I wanted to." She couldn't say that she'd wanted to see him smile, wanted to make him happy, to alleviate some of that worry, that tension. Just as she couldn't bring herself to say how much she hated it when he was troubled, when that normally jovial face held so much worry and frustration, eyes bruised from lack of sleep.
His anger subsided. "You... wanted to?" Well that was dumb, of course she wanted to, because he wanted to, just he couldn't think anything substancial to trade, although he was pretty close to giving up his memories of certain things he created and regretted ever since.
Silence thickened the air, as his gaze bore into her figure. There was a double meaning thrown in there, but his over analytical mind was jumping to conclusion to conclusion, memory to memory. "Y-Yoruichi..." He remembered words moaned out, in a heat of passion, and he just left it as that. In a heat of passion.
She had looked at him with fierce curiosity, that he turned away. "Nothing. Nevermind."
Shoulders slumped slightly, but rather it was out of relief or disappointment could have been anyone's guess. Really... she didn't even know. And maybe it was better that way, if he didn't think too hard about it, didn't try to make her think about it. If he just.... accepted it, the way they both accepted so many things about their relationship.
"Fine then. Stop chastizing me about it. If you don't want it, you can go have the deities take it away again." Stretching arms over her head, she shook her bangs out of her face with a sigh. "Maybe I should just take some time to myself, then my decisions won't cause such a ripple in your perfect little world, Kisuke."
"You said you loved me!" It was blurted, quick, silence-breaking. "Did you mean it?" He gave a slight laugh, "I've been thinking it about ever since you said it, and I can't stop. Was it just praise, encouragement, the sweet-nothings you always tease me about, or did you really mean it? I-it's echoing in my head as we speak, it's the last thing I hear before I fall asleep next to you, it's what I hear when I think about the Arrancar wrecking havoc. I can't stop thinking about it."
He looked away, spewing out his emotions were never easy, "Look at me, a captain, and I'm letting my emotions cloud my judgement over one sentence. One sentence I must know the answer to."
If it wasn't true, they had let things get too far between the two, but the memories... He thought of that day again, the rain and them racing each other, when he spoke of love and she just looked bewildered. Had he changed from those days? Being overly passionate and foolish in his thoughts.
At his blurted words, she felt her entire frame stiffen, freezing in a combination of dread, discomfort and... fear. He'd remembered, recalled the words she'd unthinkingly gasped out at that moment when everything had been perfect and for once it hadn't seemed as though admitting feelings would have been such a bad thing. But now... now was different.
Swallowing hard, she felt fingers curl into fists at her sides, tension creeping up into her frame. This wasn't safe, wasn't good. Now that she'd been placed so on the spot, she didn't know what to say. Could she lie to him, laugh it off and tell him that he must have misheard her, or that she must have gotten carried away in the heat of the moment? No... she couldn't bring herself to do that. To see the hurt and betrayal that she knew would paint its way across his face for that brief moment before he'd look down and cover it with a mask, a facade of whatever emotion seemed most suited to hiding the true ones at the moment.
But... if she didn't lie to him, the other option was to tell the truth. And really... what was the truth? That she loved him? That she'd always loved him, from the time they were children, even that one time in their youth that he'd blurted out words of love and she'd been so stunned, so unexpecting that all she'd done was stare before shaking it off and just pretending it had never happened.
It wasn't... that she didn't love him, if she were honest with herself. But admitting it... actually saying the words... That was different. That crossed a boundary that she'd never been able to bring herself to broach. And now that she'd been called out on it, she wasn't sure if she could break that wall. Kisuke had to know that, didn't he? Know the way she tensed up whenever any conversation they had approached anything nearing permanence or commitment, the way she always seemed to flee his presence and go on one of her wanderings when things got too close, when she found herself growing too happy, too comfortable in his arms.
Mentally trying to still the slight tremble that had found it's way into her frame, she slowly turned her head to regard him with an even gold gaze, voice soft and even. Maybe...maybe she could make him understand. "Kisuke.... you should know the answer to that question."
"What I know and what I assume seem to be two different things here. I think one thing, and it turns out nope! Not possible!" He saw her tense up, and he knew she was nervous and fighting internally. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
He was brought back to that day so many years ago, where he said that exact sentence to her, cheeks red and feeling unbelieably awkward and stupid. He hasn't changed since that day - and whenever those words threatened to escape, he ran away and swallowed them back down, down to his heart which currently felt right smack dab in his gut.
Rules, regulations, secrecy - all things they lived under and controlled every aspect of their lives, trapping them and submitting them to the torment of one's deepest thoughts. He was always reminded he was too into everything he invested his time. He was berated for being too kind and caring, to the point his captain rank was questioned. You care too much for your squad, Kisuke-taichou. You can't let your emotions cloud your judgement. You have a brilliant mind to protect. It was a conversation he held with the man that took his position, who was so eager to follow his footsteps in research, who's curiosity rivaled his at best.
He had been with others, but it wasn't right, it never fit. He thought of Yoruichi - always thinking of her, knowing she was probably with others as well, but... The silence was killing him, and both members internal struggles was more than he could bare. He moved to his knees and collected Benihime. "Forgive me, and thank you from the bottom of my heart." He couldn't afford to ruin everything between them.
"It wasn't just praise." There, she'd said it. Well, said something. She hated this, hated the thick silence, the awkward distance between them. Things had never been like that, they'd always been close and always shared so much. And now... she didn't want to let him go like this, without at least trying.
She couldn't look at him, couldn't bring herself to face him, to read what was in his eyes, on his face. Whether it was good or bad, she still just couldn't make herself be completely comfortable with this.
With that statement, he stood and moved infront of her, studying her features he already knew so well. He brought a hand to her cheek and slid it back, fingering entwining with hair and cradling her head. "You do love me." It was a statement of still uncertainty, but something had to be spoken. "And how long can't you transform? Forever?"
If that were true, his heart swelled at the meaning of what she sacrificed.
He placed his lips on her forehead and lingered there, "I meant what I said back then, so many years ago. Do you remember it? It was raining and we were racing each other like we always did. We were soaked and were laughing, and... I said I loved you, and you just looked at me with the most shocked expression then gave me that damn smirk of yours. I never said it again, but my feelings have never changed.
"When I told you of my exile, it was the hardest thing in the world, knowing I'd never see you again - I truly made love to you for the first time expecting it to be my last. But you followed me. You followed me. I always thought to myself, 'how could you follow?' I hid so much from you, allowed curiosity to better me and ruin everything I knew. Yet here you are still, with me." He smiled against her forehead, "I must be the most helpless man in the world or the luckiest."
"Or maybe both...."
Closing her eyes, she felt herself relax into his touch, the soft brush of his lips against her forehead. That was Kisuke, always affectionate, always there. Of course his feelings hadn't changed. She knew that perfectly well. It was there everytime she looked at him, with every word he spoke to her, every touch, every gesture. No, of the two of them it was she who was distant, she who ran away, who hid from the truth and avoided it in the same way she avoided everything else that seemed to pose a risk to her freedom.
Even Kisuke.
Yoruichi would have been lying if she'd tried to say it hadn't ever bothered her to know she was leaving him behind, making him wonder, always keeping him at arms' length. But the amount of discomfort she felt at that had always been less of a burden to bear then the discomfort she felt at the prospect of being tied down. And maybe part of it was that.... she'd always just assumed that he knew, that Kisuke understood how much he meant to her, that nothing had ever needed to be said.
But she knew that was a lie.
If nothing had ever been said, it was likely more because Kisuke had known better, known she couldn't say it, wouldn't say it. That he had chosen not to, chosen to avoid the difficult situation, the awkwardness that was bound to appear. And even now, she could feel herself shaking slightly at the thought that he'd ask her about it, want her to say it, want to hear it again. Swallowing, she closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath and trying to still her nerves while listening to his words. How could she follow? Really.... how could she not have followed him?
"Where else would I be, Kisuke? As for the ability.....I don't know...."
The emotions had swept him away - it was uncommon to actually talk about such things. Shinigami weren't suppose to be wrapped up into it all, especially at captain level. Even though that rarely stopped many people, including him, but... things like love? It was so complex and on an entirely different level.
He knew it was hard for Yoruichi, more so than him, to talk about such things. She who was raised with such great expectations, and had so much riding on her, and she gave it up. It was a common questions: Why. Why did you do it? Why didn't you stay? Why me? He shouldn't have asked her, forced her to say it - although she didn't even come out and say it, it ended up being him again. It just had to be aknowleged. He had to know, even though he knew the answer. Yet there was always that doubt.
"Y-Yoru, I can't thank you enough, getting my Benihime back to me. Hopefully this is only temporary." He didn't move, just soaking up her warmth and enjoying it.
Eyes closed, stepping forward just enough to rest her cheek against his chest, nuzzling softly against his throat for just the barest fraction of a moment, she merely stood there, savoring the closeness, the intimacy. It may have been true that she was never one for sharing her emotions, talking about her feelings, or really even being serious about them -- well, then she wasn't usually serious about a lot of things, honestly -- but that didn't mean she disliked the easy intimacy that she and Kisuke had always shared.
He was different, not like the others, who all usually had one thing on their minds. And sure, that one thing may have been enjoyable, and a good time, but... it was Kisuke who she connected with, who she always circled back to like a bird returning to it's nesting grounds year after year, seeking out the shelter and sanctity that it recognized, that it counted on to always be there.
"Hopefully..." She couldn't finish the statement, couldn't make her lips form the words to tell him that while yes, she hoped it would only be temporary, that even if it weren't, if she remained permanently altered.... that it would be alright. That it would have been worth it to see the weight lifted from his shoulders, the burdens gone from eyes that she only ever wanted to see when they were laughing. Even if she had to pretend, had to keep up the ruse, the charade for years.
For a moment, she was thankful that her face was turned away and downward from him, so he wouldn't see the way her expression changed, twisting from one of soft contentment into something mirroring regret. Not regret for having made the trade she'd made, but regret for the fact that even what Kisuke had "discovered" in regards to said trade was in itself a lie.
You have to, Yoruichi. You know that, you know what would happen if he knew the truth, knew what his blade truly cost you....
And yet even her own inner monologue, true as it's words were, was unable to completely erase the sour bite in the back of her throat that always came from lying to Kisuke, from hiding something from the one she was closest to. Mentally pushing it out of her mind, she turned her attention back to that same man, slipping her arms loosely around his waist in what was -- for her, at least -- a rare and genuine display of affection. Not that her hugging him was in itself strange, but most of her other "advances" were couched in an airy flirtatious tone, playful and teasing, often with only the barest hint of true emotion shadowed within them. This... was different. This was real. She could have asked him to hold her. She could have told him how much she needed him to hold her, needed the calming effect that his presence always lent, to quell the restlessness and frustrations that were rising up from her own self-imposed human prison. But she didn't really need to. The embrace said it all.
The Arrancar were a mysterious group. Threatening half the town, informing that they are about to wreck havoc then back off and laugh in everyone's faces when they don't put actions to words. It was a constant game - are they or aren't they? It was that game that unnerved the hell out of Urahara, and made him so frantic and angry at himself for not having his zanpakutou.
She never considered herself affectionate, it was obvious without really knowing her, Urahara noted, but she had her ways of showing affections if they weren't obvious or not. He always wore the mask - everything was easy as pie, and tasted like it too. Even when he was doing his experiments with the orb, not only did he hide everything from everyone, but an extreme few even knew something was happening. But the stress without Benihime was like that of his researching days - the frusteration, the lack of sleep, the feeling of helplessness. It was all there again, and he knew Yoruichi had an idea of what was going on. As usual, she had him pin-pointed, even before he said something. It was always, You're up to something, Kisuke..., and in the end it always brought him crumbling down before her, but only her.
Did he have to chose now to be distant? Now, when she was actually easing into that place that seemed so foreign, so strange to her? She'd wanted him to relax, to laugh and smile and just... be Kisuke. The Kisuke she knew from so long ago, the man she'd grown up with. Her first... in a lot of things, not the least of those being the first person really to ever see her vulnerable, to ever see her hurting or scared or... diminished in some way from what she normally was.
But now it was him who was vulnerable, regardless of who might have said that being an ex captain of the Gotei-13 left Urahara Kisuke as anything but vulnerable, she knew better. Just as she knew that the only way to fix that was to get his mind off of it. Nuzzling her face against his throat, she pressed lips softly to pale skin, tongue dipping out just slightly to taste that same skin. It wasn't a request for more, or even really an attempt at drawing him into something heavier. Just a light caress, coupled with a soft whisper of his name, as though the tender touch extended through her voice as well as her lips, conveying so much more than mere syllables.
"Kisuke..."
Sometimes he hated how she could see right through him. He who made it so difficult for everyone else, yet so easy for her. It was always that easy, and it would always be that easy. It was good mental health practice, he kept convincing himself, but really there was more to it.
"I take it you're not irritable anymore?" He questioned as a low chuckle escaped from his throat at the sensation of her tongue. And it was funny how they worked, always going back to moments like these - a smile here, a laugh there; a touch here, a kiss there. He knew he probably disgraced her family, and it was an extreme concern in the beginning, but he grew to understand that it wasn't the path she wanted to take, as much as he pleaded with her to not come with him, but in reality they needed each other.
"Mmmm....do I seem irritable?"
Irritable, no. Impatient... yes. Was he going to take forever to actually respond and do something? Mentally growling to herself, the low sound rumbling slightly past her lips, she felt dark eyebrows draw together over golden eyes as she pulled back to glare slightly at him with an expression that plainly said she wanted something and she wanted it now. Frowning, she caught and held his gaze for a moment, hoping he would simply pick up on it. Since Kisuke obviously understood every move she made -- or at least she'd have liked to think so. And she wasn't about to just up and ask for what she wanted.
Instead, she just said his name again, this time in a tone that betrayed a slight warning of something unpleasant if he didn't figure out what she wanted and figure it out fast. "Kisuke..."
His free hand wrapped around her waist, as he trailed his other hand along the curve of her jaw, ending at her chin. "You were irritated." His lips barely touched hers, "and you still are to an extent." He rested his chin on top of her head, secretly enjoying the fact that she was just short enough for him to do this, as he slipped his other arm around her waist.
It wasn't awkward, surprisingly. Between their "yelling" match, which wasn't yelling at all, but it was usually the most fighting the two ever did, and bringing up such a sensitive topic. She was warm and soft - and even though sometimes it was quite the game in trying to hold her like this (which usually ended up with her squirming and him falling off the bed), he soaked up every moment like this, just as whenever she would finally come back for a visit from her wandering through Soul Society and where ever she roamed. When she disappeared to here, he knew something happened and was out of place. It wasn't that she typically told him she was off, but... he could feel it, the emptiness that opened up, the knowlege that something wasn't exactly right.
Grumbling slightly, she simply tightened her grip around him, face against his chest, unwilling to completely admit how much she was currently enjoying the closeness. It was a bit strange, somewhat unusual, but....it wasn't bad by any means. Certainly not that much different then those occasional nights when, after a long stint of roaming, she'd come back to his shop and just curl up with her head in his lap while he prattled on and on about Ururu and Jinta and things they had done and the newest gadgets and trinkets filched from Soul Society. But what she enjoyed most was just being there, just listening to his voice. It was soothing, the way his arms wound around her were now.
"Not irritable if you don't move..." It was perhaps the closest she'd ever come to what others would have phrased "stay with me, just keep holding me" Or at least, she assumed it was. Old as she was, as much as she'd turned things over in her head, that was the downside to avoiding dealing with your own feelings for so long. If you never dealt with them, then you never really learned to interpret them either.
"I still can't believe you were able to hide it from me. You're so sneaky, Yoru~" He rubbed his cheek against her head. "I must be losing my touch, which is a good thing you got it back for me. Though I really hope your transforming ability will come back."
As he stood holding her, his gaze drifted to the cane resting on the floor, half out of the box it had come in. He nuzzled her again, but his gaze didn't leave, studying the texture of the cane, remembering the smoothness of his blade and how much he beat himself over the fact of leaving it. Yet he felt obligated to make it up to her for sacrificing so much. Again, without him asking it of her. "Let me make you something to eat..." His statement was muttered, mostly for the fact he didn't want to leave the warmth.
A slight scoff as she shook her head to raise an eyebrow at him. "Tch, wasn't that hard. I just kept you too busy when you were in that bed to even think about anything else, is all."
This really...really wasn't so bad. The whole "affection" thing. She certainly wasn't going to go so far as to say that it was something she'd be able to just start doing all the time, but when she got relaxed enough, let herself ease into it, it was really rather pleasent. In fact, she felt less like she was tied down, and more as though she were staking some sort of claim to him. And maybe in some way, she was. While she'd never completely come to see it that way, she wasn't going to deny that smug feeling that this was hers. Not anyone else's. Hers.
Food sounded nice, it really did. But... she could tell how badly he wanted to reconnect, to commune with the piece of his soul that had, up until now, been separated from him. With a light chuckle, she shook her head. "It's ok, Kisuke. Besides..." Reaching up, she tapped one long finger against the tip of his nose. "I'm not the woman you want most right now."
"Please tell me you realized what you just said, my dear." He tried biting the finger just before she pulled it away, "Because I think I made it rather clear that you're the one that's on my mind." He pressed lips to her temple with a smile. "I don't know what I'd do without you here." It was dangerous territory, the kind they strongly frowned upon back in soul society, but he always felt it was worth the risk.
Then allowing actions speak louder, he bent down and kissed her, hoping any gratitude would be conveyed in such an action.
Chuckling, she shook her head again, protests rising up in her throat. "No, Benihime's the one you-" But those same protests were cut off by the insistent press of his lips against hers, the sudden push of tongue into her mouth as his arms tightened around her and he kissed her in a way that somehow -- despite all they'd been through, and how many times he'd kissed her in the past -- managed to make her legs feel wobbly, make her head spin. Regaining her composure after a moment, dark fingers threaded into blond hair, dragging herself closer into his embrace, deepening the kiss, pulling back slightly to nibble at his bottom lip before diving back in with a soft moan.
He deepened the kiss more, in understanding that both were on the same level. He was aloof, always running around throwing out ideas and running various experiments - both useful and to see what he could do. She was a free spirit, always was, and he wouldn't expect anything different. He wasn't asking for anything for this day - just a confirmation that they were on the same level, that those words had a meaning.
Kiss-swollen lips, well earned, he thought to himself as confidence encouraged him to push further. Before things could go too far, he pulled away and met her eyes.
Golden yellow met greyish blue, a question in their depths. Not just of why he'd stopped, or what he wanted, or whether this was ok -- she knew that already -- but... a question of movement. Of where they would go from here. Rough tongue coming out to lick along lips bruised from the force of their kiss, she contented herself with combing agile fingers through fine platinum strands, tugging slightly in an almost absent-minded fashion. And just waited. Waited to see what he'd say, what he'd do.
She would have just kissed him again, done away with all that unneccessary thinking, but in all honesty she was curious as to what had prompted him to stop.
Thoughts were running through his head at 1000 miles a minute. "I'm not asking for commitment from you, Yoruichi, because that's just not how we are... I just needed to know that we were on the same level." A smirk grew across his face, "Even though you're too shy to say it~." He teased her before kissing her again.
And it was true, he felt that a load was taken off his chest and felt less distressed, both with coming to terms with Yoruichi and having Benihime back. He felt his words were cliche, but as much as it might have felt that way, he was nothing but genuine.
Her lips were soft against his as he soaked up this moment, realizing, just like anywhere else, it might become few and far between.
Despite the fact that she hadn't really expected him to ask for any sort of commitment, it still set her mind a bit at ease to actually hear him say it, hear him reassure her that nothing had to change, nothing had to be any different then it already was. She could still come and go as she pleased, still be her usual wayward self. There was just... something else there. A new understanding, a new kind of... well, she wasn't really sure, but it was different.
Lips curved downward into a scowl at his suggestion that she was too "shy" to say anything. But as she opened her mouth to protest, she was cut off by his lips again, deciding after a moment that it wasn't worth being irritated over. Not right now.
Shouts were coming from the outside, reminding him that they weren't the only ones around, especially in the early afternoon. "Let's finish this elsewhere." He whispered in her ear, "Besides, you said we needed to spar a little more anyway."
Sure, he was more than willing to have his way with her, which was noted by his trail of kisses along her jawline, but that could come later when the temple wasn't being overly crowded. She should be proud of him for his self control.
"Mmmm....that sounds like a plan. I need to see if I can still fight worth a damn with my reflexes a little compromised. And then if I can't, you can take my mind off of it later, ne~?"
She had to resist the urge to growl at the feel of his lips along her jaw, to purr and pull him closer, because he was right. There would be plenty of time for proving how "on the same level" she was later. Right now, there were preparations to make. Afterall, if her blood was going to be forfeit.... she'd better damn well learn how to fight with the handicap.
"So, shall we play a game? I have one I think you might like, Kisuke~"
He always loved a good game, she knew that perfectly well. Especially if it was a puzzle, or a challenge. Something he had to figure out, to think on. But that wasn't the only kind of game he liked. And this kind, the kind that had an ulterior motive, could be just as much fun.
"A game, eh~?" He untwined his arms from her and picked up the cane, a wide grin spread across his face. He glanced back with a grin, "I'll take you up on that challenge, m'lady!"
With a swing he carried his can across his shoulder, as he extended his hand out towards her. "Care to join me?"
Smirking, she reached for his hand, pulling her own fingers back at the last moment to blow a kiss his way before skipping her way to the door with a quick shunpo. "Of course, Kisuke~ Maybe if you win, you'll even get something out of it~" Sliding the laquered pane of wood and glass aside, she cracked a wry grin. "If you can catch me~"
Slipping out of the opening, she flitted down the hallway and toward their training area.
With an added skip, he followed quickly behind her with his own skill in shunpo. She'd win, no doubt, she was called the Goddess of Flash for a reason, but that something was what he was more interested in at the moment. Well, getting some use out of Benihime as well...
Things were starting to look quite positive now, now that the air was cleared between the two, and the gain of Benihime. Very good indeed.
Rating; PG-13ish
Characters; Shihouin Yoruichi [
goddes_of_flash], Urahara Kisuke [1hatwonder]Summary; Yoruichi brings Kisuke his beloved Benihime. But what has the blade cost her?
Log;
Frowning to herself, Yoruichi grumbled slightly, shifting restlessly on the windowsill. It wasn't a very comfortable way to lay, but dammit she wanted to lay in the sun. And with her ability to transform now gone.... well, that made it a bit harder. The dark-skinned woman didn't know if the lack of what was probably her most defining skill would be permanent or not -- depending on the deities' moods at the time, you never could really tell -- but either way it didnt change the fact that right now she was stuck in her human form and there was nothing to be done about it.
Why had she done it again? Oh, that was right. Benihime. She scoffed slightly at herself. God, the sheer thought of it. Shihouin Yoruichi, who valued her freedom above all else -- didn't she? -- relinquishing one of the key things that made that sort of freedom even possible. For a man. Well, not just any man, her mind chimed in. Kisuke had never been "just a man" to her, no matter how determined she was to avoid thinking about the real reason why she'd made this sacrifice, this payment to the gods of this realm.
"God-damned narrow window...." Scowling, she shifted yet again, trying to tuck herself even smaller onto the painted ledge. Stupid window, why couldn't it have ledges that actually FIT a larger form? If she had to keep going to such ridiculous lengths just to get her daily fix of sunbeam, then there would be no point in trying to keep the truth of what she had done from Kisuke.
Urahara was walking through the temple's rooms, humming to himself and clearly lost in thought until he noticed a form on her back all scrunched up on the narrow window ledge. "What a sight for sore eyes!" He chirped to her with a massive smile. "Are you that desperate that you haven't changed into your fuzzy form? Yoruichi! You always said I was the lazy one!"
After he said that, he began to realize something - seeing her as a cat had been a while. A long while, actually.
His smiled faded, and he walked over to her, practically hovering. "Have you been sick lately?" He touched her forehead, "I just realized it's been a while since you have been a cat." If she was sick, he'd antagonize her for not speaking up and letting him actually do something for her (her independant-self annoyed him at times.)
She brushed his hand away with a frown, perhaps a slight bit more irritable in the motion than she otherwise might have been. He was being fussy, which he had a nagging habit of being at times. It was ironic, in a way, here he was the man in this "relationship", and at the same time he was the mothering one in so many ways. Nagging her to take better care of herself, fixing dinner -- she couldn't cook toast, something she and her Kuchiki protege seemed to have in common -- and other things that were just so....Kisuke, in some twisted way.
"I'm fine, Kisuke. Stop fussing. And I just haven't wanted to, is all."
Crossing arms back over her chest, she leveled golden gaze at him, hoping to drive the point across that he should change subject. Now.
Now he got her irritated. Great. Then, naturally, his mind jumped to conclusions, which weren't entirely correct some of the time... "Wait! You're not.. WAIT." His hands pointed to her lower abdomen. "Please don't..." It wasn't possible for babies in Soul Society, but he had heard strange, strange things about this city allowing it. It wasn't he didn't like kids - having Jinta and Ururu around proved the opposite as he loved them as much as a father could, but THIS!?
Oh he didn't. He did NOT just say what she thought he'd said. Slamming hands down onto the windowsill, she opened her mouth to angrily deny the completely baseless -- her, a mother?! The thought made her shudder -- accusation. Unfortunately for her, the windowsill was a bit narrow for that and she only ended up mis-balancing herself. And thus ending on the floor in a heap. "G..Goddammit Kisuke, the fuck are you on?! NO. I am NOT pregnant, you oaf!"
It wasn't even really him she was irritated with. It was just that without her normal shifting ability, everything just felt... off. She hadn't realized not only how much time she spent in feline form, but how much lacking that impacted even a simple thing like concentration.
He bent down almost as fast as she fell, face completely changed from the amused, to the horrified, now down to the dead serious expression that many feared during his most intense days working in the labs. "Yoruichi. Tell me what's wrong." She had verbally lashed out at him, and it didn't hurt him as it might have if he were any other man.
"If you deny it, prove it to me by changing into a cat, and we'll go from there." His eyes bore into hers, never wavering, hesitating, or giving away any emotion. She had grown quiet within the last couple days, but he didn't think anything of it until now. Perhaps it really wasn't a serious matter, and she was just in one of her moods, or perhaps they had spent too much time together and the closeness was becoming too much. Whatever it was, he wanted to know, even if it wasn't something he really wanted to hear.
Golden eyes narrowing, she snarled back at him. "There's nothing wrong, Kisuke. And I don't have to prove it to you." It was rather cold of her, considering how much they'd shared, how much they still shared. But this.... this wasn't something she could share. It was something he didn't need to know. And honestly, she hadn't planned on him noticing anything. She'd been hoping to just wait it out, come up with a good excuse for the blade that rested gently beneath the cushion on the futon, so close to him and yet she'd managed to somehow keep him from noticing it. Or rather, an excuse for how she had come by the cane with it's concealed weapon.
With a growl, she moved to push herself up, swearing softly under her breath as yet again, her coordination seemed to fail her, reflexes feeling dulled and sluggish still, no matter how many times she told herself there was no reason for it, that it was merely an ability she had lost, not a part of herself as it felt.
"I am fine, Kisuke."
With lightening fast reflexes, his hands caught her wrists as she tried to pull herself off the floor. "Tell me, Yoruichi." The seriousness was gone and he sounded... tired? "Please tell me why you're acting like this. It's not like you, to fall from a window, your movements are slower than I recall as well."
He was lying to himself - he saw this change at least a couple days ago and it was only building up to this. "Have you come in contact with an Arrancar, and you didn't tell me? Are you not sleeping well, worried about Rukia and Ichigo? Have I done something?" It wasn't awkward between them, but the aura of the temple definitely had changed within this time frame. He had to know what was wrong, or not wrong, just to understand her strange behavior.
Studying him, taking in the obvious worry in his face, she couldn't keep up the angry facade. With a sigh, she shook her head. "No, Kisuke. It's not anything you've done. I'm just.... tired, is all." Leaning in, she pressed lips to his in a soft kiss. Hopefully he wouldn't notice how different it was than her normal kisses to him, how much softer, gentler. It wasn't meant as a conveyance of feeling, more as simply a distraction to allow her to wriggle her wrists free of his grasp and scoot away, getting to her feet.
It took more concentration, but if she thought about it, she could mentally analyze her motions, her gait. And compensate for the sluggishness, the decreased reaction time. "Ne Kisuke~ I've got a present for you. I had to wait to give it to you, until you weren't being a collossal pain in the ass, you know."
He wasn't pleased, and pulled his hat down a little further. He hated it when she did this, avoiding questions, insisting she was fine. She was an independent woman, which was all fine and dandy and he loved her for being equally strong as men if not more, but sometimes it bothered him to no end. She could be just so damn stubborn!
Allowing this kiss to distract him, which it really didn't, he just let her have her way, he sat back indian-style. "A present?"
"That's right~ A present. Wait here."
Heading back down the hallway, trying to completely ignore the issue of her own condition and Kisuke's reaction to it. This would fix things, take his mind right off of it without hardly a second thought. Sliding the long slim box out from under the futon, she let fingers graze reverently over the top of it, smiling slightly. He may not have recognized it's presence under the bed, but she knew as soon as he touched the box, he'd know.
"I found this just lying around, thought it might come in handy." Kneeling down in front of him, she carefully set the box down between them, sitting back on her haunches to watch his reaction.
The box was long, and a familiar size... "No... no no no no no! NO!" He pratically threw off the lid and it went flying. It was exactly what he thought, lying there in the tissue, a simple walking cane often seen with elderly people.
All the tension, the questioning, the skepticism from a few moments ago vanished as tears practically fell. "My poor Benihime!" He pulled the cane out, "My beautiful Benihime!" and extracted the sword from the top, blade glistening from the sun's rays.
Then he grew embarrassed - how long had it been sitting right under his nose and he not even notice it? That was shameful of him, not only being a shinigami, but a former captain no less! He convinced himself it had to be the special box and not his being completely oblivious. Then a small voice spoke in his head. To be able to obtain things, people must give up something in return... He was told this, and couldn't possibly think of something to exchange other than his hat, which he was willing to part ways with if necesary, or memories, which he couldn't afford to lose at any cost.
"You gave up your ability to transform for me." He spoke softly as he sheathed the sword.
Worries and tension aside, there was just something about watching the man caress fingers along the smooth metal of the blade, eyes warm and soft as he reveled in that indescribable relationship that existed between a shinigami and their zanpakutou. It was a bond, deep and profound, and for a moment while watching him, she was easily able to remember why she'd done it. Why she'd made the sacrifice.
"I take it you can tolerate your present, Kisuke. I mean, I wasn't sure if you'd want anything to do with it, but I figured why not at least check and see~"
It seemed to have worked. The distraction, that is. His attention was focused solely on the sword, shifted from trying to discern what was different about her, what she'd changed or done, what was "wrong". Which meant that she was probably safe for now. Until he turned to her and drove words right to the heart of the truth. Stiffening, she kept golden eyes diverted from his gaze, not saying anything. Her silence said enough.
"You did, didn't you?" He placed the cane back down, yet hands still lingered on it's smooth texture. "Yoru..." He was fighting for words, attempting to decide if he should kiss her or throttle her.
He went for the latter.
"You didn't have to do that." His tone was calm and collected, yet he hoped she was getting his point. "It was me who should have given something up, not you. Transforming is your ablilty, and you're so proud of it and..." He looked back to his sword, "Benihime may be my zanpakutou, my extension of my soul, but you shouldn't have sacrificed something so important to you and what you take such pride in."
What he got in return was a yellow-gold glare of narrowed eyes and gritted teeth. Idiot. Did he think she hadn't thought of that? That she'd given it up easily, without thought or consideration? Not to mention.... no, she wasn't going to think about that. Wasn't going to think about how she'd have given it so many times over just for the look of joy on his face upon seeing the sword.
"I'm glad you're so grateful, Kisuke. And that you seem to think me a child incapable of proper decision-making or reasoning. Either way, what's done is done, feel free to be ungrateful should you so choose." She crossed her arms over her chest for a moment before standing up and turning away, tossing heavy ponytail over her shoulder. Well, if he was going to be an ungrateful git, she'd just go sit in the hotsprings.
It wasn't really that she was angry with him, she just... honestly, she didn't really know why she'd been so willing to sacrifice so much. Well ok, that wasn't entirely true. She knew, as much as she tried to deny that she did, to pretend things didn't run so much deeper than she let on. It wasn't smart, wasnt wise. That sort of commitment, of aknowledgement equated a relinquishment of her freedom, an admittance that as free and unrestrained as she may have been, there was a part of her that wasn't, that was bound.
He scoffed loudly behind her, "You? Think I am ungrateful? Yoruichi, I've spent nights fretting the Arrancar are going to let lose and just blow shit to pieces, and I can't do a damn thing because - oh look, Kisuke doesn't have his zanpakutou! Look how weak and pathetic he is, because he can't do anything. His kidou feels like a child attempting to tickle us, and all he has left is a sword that can't do anything except, I don't know, cut pinapple. And here you are calling me ungrateful?" He didn't mean to lash out at her, it just all came rolling off his tounge.
He paused to catch his breath, "You know I can't sleep, because I can't stop thinking. I don't know where we are, I couldn't even find it when I was looking for it back home... Yoruichi, I am more grateful for you than anything in the entire world."
Pausing in her stride, she simply stood there and took the brunt of his anger. She probably deserved it, a just payment for letting emotions get in the way of things, letting them influence the choices she made. It had always been that way with him, he was the only thing that was able to make her be so impulsive, so impetuous that even in her normal carefree manner she didn't stop to think when she did something.
"I never said you werent grateful for me, Kisuke. But maybe you should stop and think about the fact that maybe I chose to make that decision because I wanted to." She couldn't say that she'd wanted to see him smile, wanted to make him happy, to alleviate some of that worry, that tension. Just as she couldn't bring herself to say how much she hated it when he was troubled, when that normally jovial face held so much worry and frustration, eyes bruised from lack of sleep.
His anger subsided. "You... wanted to?" Well that was dumb, of course she wanted to, because he wanted to, just he couldn't think anything substancial to trade, although he was pretty close to giving up his memories of certain things he created and regretted ever since.
Silence thickened the air, as his gaze bore into her figure. There was a double meaning thrown in there, but his over analytical mind was jumping to conclusion to conclusion, memory to memory. "Y-Yoruichi..." He remembered words moaned out, in a heat of passion, and he just left it as that. In a heat of passion.
She had looked at him with fierce curiosity, that he turned away. "Nothing. Nevermind."
Shoulders slumped slightly, but rather it was out of relief or disappointment could have been anyone's guess. Really... she didn't even know. And maybe it was better that way, if he didn't think too hard about it, didn't try to make her think about it. If he just.... accepted it, the way they both accepted so many things about their relationship.
"Fine then. Stop chastizing me about it. If you don't want it, you can go have the deities take it away again." Stretching arms over her head, she shook her bangs out of her face with a sigh. "Maybe I should just take some time to myself, then my decisions won't cause such a ripple in your perfect little world, Kisuke."
"You said you loved me!" It was blurted, quick, silence-breaking. "Did you mean it?" He gave a slight laugh, "I've been thinking it about ever since you said it, and I can't stop. Was it just praise, encouragement, the sweet-nothings you always tease me about, or did you really mean it? I-it's echoing in my head as we speak, it's the last thing I hear before I fall asleep next to you, it's what I hear when I think about the Arrancar wrecking havoc. I can't stop thinking about it."
He looked away, spewing out his emotions were never easy, "Look at me, a captain, and I'm letting my emotions cloud my judgement over one sentence. One sentence I must know the answer to."
If it wasn't true, they had let things get too far between the two, but the memories... He thought of that day again, the rain and them racing each other, when he spoke of love and she just looked bewildered. Had he changed from those days? Being overly passionate and foolish in his thoughts.
At his blurted words, she felt her entire frame stiffen, freezing in a combination of dread, discomfort and... fear. He'd remembered, recalled the words she'd unthinkingly gasped out at that moment when everything had been perfect and for once it hadn't seemed as though admitting feelings would have been such a bad thing. But now... now was different.
Swallowing hard, she felt fingers curl into fists at her sides, tension creeping up into her frame. This wasn't safe, wasn't good. Now that she'd been placed so on the spot, she didn't know what to say. Could she lie to him, laugh it off and tell him that he must have misheard her, or that she must have gotten carried away in the heat of the moment? No... she couldn't bring herself to do that. To see the hurt and betrayal that she knew would paint its way across his face for that brief moment before he'd look down and cover it with a mask, a facade of whatever emotion seemed most suited to hiding the true ones at the moment.
But... if she didn't lie to him, the other option was to tell the truth. And really... what was the truth? That she loved him? That she'd always loved him, from the time they were children, even that one time in their youth that he'd blurted out words of love and she'd been so stunned, so unexpecting that all she'd done was stare before shaking it off and just pretending it had never happened.
It wasn't... that she didn't love him, if she were honest with herself. But admitting it... actually saying the words... That was different. That crossed a boundary that she'd never been able to bring herself to broach. And now that she'd been called out on it, she wasn't sure if she could break that wall. Kisuke had to know that, didn't he? Know the way she tensed up whenever any conversation they had approached anything nearing permanence or commitment, the way she always seemed to flee his presence and go on one of her wanderings when things got too close, when she found herself growing too happy, too comfortable in his arms.
Mentally trying to still the slight tremble that had found it's way into her frame, she slowly turned her head to regard him with an even gold gaze, voice soft and even. Maybe...maybe she could make him understand. "Kisuke.... you should know the answer to that question."
"What I know and what I assume seem to be two different things here. I think one thing, and it turns out nope! Not possible!" He saw her tense up, and he knew she was nervous and fighting internally. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
He was brought back to that day so many years ago, where he said that exact sentence to her, cheeks red and feeling unbelieably awkward and stupid. He hasn't changed since that day - and whenever those words threatened to escape, he ran away and swallowed them back down, down to his heart which currently felt right smack dab in his gut.
Rules, regulations, secrecy - all things they lived under and controlled every aspect of their lives, trapping them and submitting them to the torment of one's deepest thoughts. He was always reminded he was too into everything he invested his time. He was berated for being too kind and caring, to the point his captain rank was questioned. You care too much for your squad, Kisuke-taichou. You can't let your emotions cloud your judgement. You have a brilliant mind to protect. It was a conversation he held with the man that took his position, who was so eager to follow his footsteps in research, who's curiosity rivaled his at best.
He had been with others, but it wasn't right, it never fit. He thought of Yoruichi - always thinking of her, knowing she was probably with others as well, but... The silence was killing him, and both members internal struggles was more than he could bare. He moved to his knees and collected Benihime. "Forgive me, and thank you from the bottom of my heart." He couldn't afford to ruin everything between them.
"It wasn't just praise." There, she'd said it. Well, said something. She hated this, hated the thick silence, the awkward distance between them. Things had never been like that, they'd always been close and always shared so much. And now... she didn't want to let him go like this, without at least trying.
She couldn't look at him, couldn't bring herself to face him, to read what was in his eyes, on his face. Whether it was good or bad, she still just couldn't make herself be completely comfortable with this.
With that statement, he stood and moved infront of her, studying her features he already knew so well. He brought a hand to her cheek and slid it back, fingering entwining with hair and cradling her head. "You do love me." It was a statement of still uncertainty, but something had to be spoken. "And how long can't you transform? Forever?"
If that were true, his heart swelled at the meaning of what she sacrificed.
He placed his lips on her forehead and lingered there, "I meant what I said back then, so many years ago. Do you remember it? It was raining and we were racing each other like we always did. We were soaked and were laughing, and... I said I loved you, and you just looked at me with the most shocked expression then gave me that damn smirk of yours. I never said it again, but my feelings have never changed.
"When I told you of my exile, it was the hardest thing in the world, knowing I'd never see you again - I truly made love to you for the first time expecting it to be my last. But you followed me. You followed me. I always thought to myself, 'how could you follow?' I hid so much from you, allowed curiosity to better me and ruin everything I knew. Yet here you are still, with me." He smiled against her forehead, "I must be the most helpless man in the world or the luckiest."
"Or maybe both...."
Closing her eyes, she felt herself relax into his touch, the soft brush of his lips against her forehead. That was Kisuke, always affectionate, always there. Of course his feelings hadn't changed. She knew that perfectly well. It was there everytime she looked at him, with every word he spoke to her, every touch, every gesture. No, of the two of them it was she who was distant, she who ran away, who hid from the truth and avoided it in the same way she avoided everything else that seemed to pose a risk to her freedom.
Even Kisuke.
Yoruichi would have been lying if she'd tried to say it hadn't ever bothered her to know she was leaving him behind, making him wonder, always keeping him at arms' length. But the amount of discomfort she felt at that had always been less of a burden to bear then the discomfort she felt at the prospect of being tied down. And maybe part of it was that.... she'd always just assumed that he knew, that Kisuke understood how much he meant to her, that nothing had ever needed to be said.
But she knew that was a lie.
If nothing had ever been said, it was likely more because Kisuke had known better, known she couldn't say it, wouldn't say it. That he had chosen not to, chosen to avoid the difficult situation, the awkwardness that was bound to appear. And even now, she could feel herself shaking slightly at the thought that he'd ask her about it, want her to say it, want to hear it again. Swallowing, she closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath and trying to still her nerves while listening to his words. How could she follow? Really.... how could she not have followed him?
"Where else would I be, Kisuke? As for the ability.....I don't know...."
The emotions had swept him away - it was uncommon to actually talk about such things. Shinigami weren't suppose to be wrapped up into it all, especially at captain level. Even though that rarely stopped many people, including him, but... things like love? It was so complex and on an entirely different level.
He knew it was hard for Yoruichi, more so than him, to talk about such things. She who was raised with such great expectations, and had so much riding on her, and she gave it up. It was a common questions: Why. Why did you do it? Why didn't you stay? Why me? He shouldn't have asked her, forced her to say it - although she didn't even come out and say it, it ended up being him again. It just had to be aknowleged. He had to know, even though he knew the answer. Yet there was always that doubt.
"Y-Yoru, I can't thank you enough, getting my Benihime back to me. Hopefully this is only temporary." He didn't move, just soaking up her warmth and enjoying it.
Eyes closed, stepping forward just enough to rest her cheek against his chest, nuzzling softly against his throat for just the barest fraction of a moment, she merely stood there, savoring the closeness, the intimacy. It may have been true that she was never one for sharing her emotions, talking about her feelings, or really even being serious about them -- well, then she wasn't usually serious about a lot of things, honestly -- but that didn't mean she disliked the easy intimacy that she and Kisuke had always shared.
He was different, not like the others, who all usually had one thing on their minds. And sure, that one thing may have been enjoyable, and a good time, but... it was Kisuke who she connected with, who she always circled back to like a bird returning to it's nesting grounds year after year, seeking out the shelter and sanctity that it recognized, that it counted on to always be there.
"Hopefully..." She couldn't finish the statement, couldn't make her lips form the words to tell him that while yes, she hoped it would only be temporary, that even if it weren't, if she remained permanently altered.... that it would be alright. That it would have been worth it to see the weight lifted from his shoulders, the burdens gone from eyes that she only ever wanted to see when they were laughing. Even if she had to pretend, had to keep up the ruse, the charade for years.
For a moment, she was thankful that her face was turned away and downward from him, so he wouldn't see the way her expression changed, twisting from one of soft contentment into something mirroring regret. Not regret for having made the trade she'd made, but regret for the fact that even what Kisuke had "discovered" in regards to said trade was in itself a lie.
You have to, Yoruichi. You know that, you know what would happen if he knew the truth, knew what his blade truly cost you....
And yet even her own inner monologue, true as it's words were, was unable to completely erase the sour bite in the back of her throat that always came from lying to Kisuke, from hiding something from the one she was closest to. Mentally pushing it out of her mind, she turned her attention back to that same man, slipping her arms loosely around his waist in what was -- for her, at least -- a rare and genuine display of affection. Not that her hugging him was in itself strange, but most of her other "advances" were couched in an airy flirtatious tone, playful and teasing, often with only the barest hint of true emotion shadowed within them. This... was different. This was real. She could have asked him to hold her. She could have told him how much she needed him to hold her, needed the calming effect that his presence always lent, to quell the restlessness and frustrations that were rising up from her own self-imposed human prison. But she didn't really need to. The embrace said it all.
The Arrancar were a mysterious group. Threatening half the town, informing that they are about to wreck havoc then back off and laugh in everyone's faces when they don't put actions to words. It was a constant game - are they or aren't they? It was that game that unnerved the hell out of Urahara, and made him so frantic and angry at himself for not having his zanpakutou.
She never considered herself affectionate, it was obvious without really knowing her, Urahara noted, but she had her ways of showing affections if they weren't obvious or not. He always wore the mask - everything was easy as pie, and tasted like it too. Even when he was doing his experiments with the orb, not only did he hide everything from everyone, but an extreme few even knew something was happening. But the stress without Benihime was like that of his researching days - the frusteration, the lack of sleep, the feeling of helplessness. It was all there again, and he knew Yoruichi had an idea of what was going on. As usual, she had him pin-pointed, even before he said something. It was always, You're up to something, Kisuke..., and in the end it always brought him crumbling down before her, but only her.
Did he have to chose now to be distant? Now, when she was actually easing into that place that seemed so foreign, so strange to her? She'd wanted him to relax, to laugh and smile and just... be Kisuke. The Kisuke she knew from so long ago, the man she'd grown up with. Her first... in a lot of things, not the least of those being the first person really to ever see her vulnerable, to ever see her hurting or scared or... diminished in some way from what she normally was.
But now it was him who was vulnerable, regardless of who might have said that being an ex captain of the Gotei-13 left Urahara Kisuke as anything but vulnerable, she knew better. Just as she knew that the only way to fix that was to get his mind off of it. Nuzzling her face against his throat, she pressed lips softly to pale skin, tongue dipping out just slightly to taste that same skin. It wasn't a request for more, or even really an attempt at drawing him into something heavier. Just a light caress, coupled with a soft whisper of his name, as though the tender touch extended through her voice as well as her lips, conveying so much more than mere syllables.
"Kisuke..."
Sometimes he hated how she could see right through him. He who made it so difficult for everyone else, yet so easy for her. It was always that easy, and it would always be that easy. It was good mental health practice, he kept convincing himself, but really there was more to it.
"I take it you're not irritable anymore?" He questioned as a low chuckle escaped from his throat at the sensation of her tongue. And it was funny how they worked, always going back to moments like these - a smile here, a laugh there; a touch here, a kiss there. He knew he probably disgraced her family, and it was an extreme concern in the beginning, but he grew to understand that it wasn't the path she wanted to take, as much as he pleaded with her to not come with him, but in reality they needed each other.
"Mmmm....do I seem irritable?"
Irritable, no. Impatient... yes. Was he going to take forever to actually respond and do something? Mentally growling to herself, the low sound rumbling slightly past her lips, she felt dark eyebrows draw together over golden eyes as she pulled back to glare slightly at him with an expression that plainly said she wanted something and she wanted it now. Frowning, she caught and held his gaze for a moment, hoping he would simply pick up on it. Since Kisuke obviously understood every move she made -- or at least she'd have liked to think so. And she wasn't about to just up and ask for what she wanted.
Instead, she just said his name again, this time in a tone that betrayed a slight warning of something unpleasant if he didn't figure out what she wanted and figure it out fast. "Kisuke..."
His free hand wrapped around her waist, as he trailed his other hand along the curve of her jaw, ending at her chin. "You were irritated." His lips barely touched hers, "and you still are to an extent." He rested his chin on top of her head, secretly enjoying the fact that she was just short enough for him to do this, as he slipped his other arm around her waist.
It wasn't awkward, surprisingly. Between their "yelling" match, which wasn't yelling at all, but it was usually the most fighting the two ever did, and bringing up such a sensitive topic. She was warm and soft - and even though sometimes it was quite the game in trying to hold her like this (which usually ended up with her squirming and him falling off the bed), he soaked up every moment like this, just as whenever she would finally come back for a visit from her wandering through Soul Society and where ever she roamed. When she disappeared to here, he knew something happened and was out of place. It wasn't that she typically told him she was off, but... he could feel it, the emptiness that opened up, the knowlege that something wasn't exactly right.
Grumbling slightly, she simply tightened her grip around him, face against his chest, unwilling to completely admit how much she was currently enjoying the closeness. It was a bit strange, somewhat unusual, but....it wasn't bad by any means. Certainly not that much different then those occasional nights when, after a long stint of roaming, she'd come back to his shop and just curl up with her head in his lap while he prattled on and on about Ururu and Jinta and things they had done and the newest gadgets and trinkets filched from Soul Society. But what she enjoyed most was just being there, just listening to his voice. It was soothing, the way his arms wound around her were now.
"Not irritable if you don't move..." It was perhaps the closest she'd ever come to what others would have phrased "stay with me, just keep holding me" Or at least, she assumed it was. Old as she was, as much as she'd turned things over in her head, that was the downside to avoiding dealing with your own feelings for so long. If you never dealt with them, then you never really learned to interpret them either.
"I still can't believe you were able to hide it from me. You're so sneaky, Yoru~" He rubbed his cheek against her head. "I must be losing my touch, which is a good thing you got it back for me. Though I really hope your transforming ability will come back."
As he stood holding her, his gaze drifted to the cane resting on the floor, half out of the box it had come in. He nuzzled her again, but his gaze didn't leave, studying the texture of the cane, remembering the smoothness of his blade and how much he beat himself over the fact of leaving it. Yet he felt obligated to make it up to her for sacrificing so much. Again, without him asking it of her. "Let me make you something to eat..." His statement was muttered, mostly for the fact he didn't want to leave the warmth.
A slight scoff as she shook her head to raise an eyebrow at him. "Tch, wasn't that hard. I just kept you too busy when you were in that bed to even think about anything else, is all."
This really...really wasn't so bad. The whole "affection" thing. She certainly wasn't going to go so far as to say that it was something she'd be able to just start doing all the time, but when she got relaxed enough, let herself ease into it, it was really rather pleasent. In fact, she felt less like she was tied down, and more as though she were staking some sort of claim to him. And maybe in some way, she was. While she'd never completely come to see it that way, she wasn't going to deny that smug feeling that this was hers. Not anyone else's. Hers.
Food sounded nice, it really did. But... she could tell how badly he wanted to reconnect, to commune with the piece of his soul that had, up until now, been separated from him. With a light chuckle, she shook her head. "It's ok, Kisuke. Besides..." Reaching up, she tapped one long finger against the tip of his nose. "I'm not the woman you want most right now."
"Please tell me you realized what you just said, my dear." He tried biting the finger just before she pulled it away, "Because I think I made it rather clear that you're the one that's on my mind." He pressed lips to her temple with a smile. "I don't know what I'd do without you here." It was dangerous territory, the kind they strongly frowned upon back in soul society, but he always felt it was worth the risk.
Then allowing actions speak louder, he bent down and kissed her, hoping any gratitude would be conveyed in such an action.
Chuckling, she shook her head again, protests rising up in her throat. "No, Benihime's the one you-" But those same protests were cut off by the insistent press of his lips against hers, the sudden push of tongue into her mouth as his arms tightened around her and he kissed her in a way that somehow -- despite all they'd been through, and how many times he'd kissed her in the past -- managed to make her legs feel wobbly, make her head spin. Regaining her composure after a moment, dark fingers threaded into blond hair, dragging herself closer into his embrace, deepening the kiss, pulling back slightly to nibble at his bottom lip before diving back in with a soft moan.
He deepened the kiss more, in understanding that both were on the same level. He was aloof, always running around throwing out ideas and running various experiments - both useful and to see what he could do. She was a free spirit, always was, and he wouldn't expect anything different. He wasn't asking for anything for this day - just a confirmation that they were on the same level, that those words had a meaning.
Kiss-swollen lips, well earned, he thought to himself as confidence encouraged him to push further. Before things could go too far, he pulled away and met her eyes.
Golden yellow met greyish blue, a question in their depths. Not just of why he'd stopped, or what he wanted, or whether this was ok -- she knew that already -- but... a question of movement. Of where they would go from here. Rough tongue coming out to lick along lips bruised from the force of their kiss, she contented herself with combing agile fingers through fine platinum strands, tugging slightly in an almost absent-minded fashion. And just waited. Waited to see what he'd say, what he'd do.
She would have just kissed him again, done away with all that unneccessary thinking, but in all honesty she was curious as to what had prompted him to stop.
Thoughts were running through his head at 1000 miles a minute. "I'm not asking for commitment from you, Yoruichi, because that's just not how we are... I just needed to know that we were on the same level." A smirk grew across his face, "Even though you're too shy to say it~." He teased her before kissing her again.
And it was true, he felt that a load was taken off his chest and felt less distressed, both with coming to terms with Yoruichi and having Benihime back. He felt his words were cliche, but as much as it might have felt that way, he was nothing but genuine.
Her lips were soft against his as he soaked up this moment, realizing, just like anywhere else, it might become few and far between.
Despite the fact that she hadn't really expected him to ask for any sort of commitment, it still set her mind a bit at ease to actually hear him say it, hear him reassure her that nothing had to change, nothing had to be any different then it already was. She could still come and go as she pleased, still be her usual wayward self. There was just... something else there. A new understanding, a new kind of... well, she wasn't really sure, but it was different.
Lips curved downward into a scowl at his suggestion that she was too "shy" to say anything. But as she opened her mouth to protest, she was cut off by his lips again, deciding after a moment that it wasn't worth being irritated over. Not right now.
Shouts were coming from the outside, reminding him that they weren't the only ones around, especially in the early afternoon. "Let's finish this elsewhere." He whispered in her ear, "Besides, you said we needed to spar a little more anyway."
Sure, he was more than willing to have his way with her, which was noted by his trail of kisses along her jawline, but that could come later when the temple wasn't being overly crowded. She should be proud of him for his self control.
"Mmmm....that sounds like a plan. I need to see if I can still fight worth a damn with my reflexes a little compromised. And then if I can't, you can take my mind off of it later, ne~?"
She had to resist the urge to growl at the feel of his lips along her jaw, to purr and pull him closer, because he was right. There would be plenty of time for proving how "on the same level" she was later. Right now, there were preparations to make. Afterall, if her blood was going to be forfeit.... she'd better damn well learn how to fight with the handicap.
"So, shall we play a game? I have one I think you might like, Kisuke~"
He always loved a good game, she knew that perfectly well. Especially if it was a puzzle, or a challenge. Something he had to figure out, to think on. But that wasn't the only kind of game he liked. And this kind, the kind that had an ulterior motive, could be just as much fun.
"A game, eh~?" He untwined his arms from her and picked up the cane, a wide grin spread across his face. He glanced back with a grin, "I'll take you up on that challenge, m'lady!"
With a swing he carried his can across his shoulder, as he extended his hand out towards her. "Care to join me?"
Smirking, she reached for his hand, pulling her own fingers back at the last moment to blow a kiss his way before skipping her way to the door with a quick shunpo. "Of course, Kisuke~ Maybe if you win, you'll even get something out of it~" Sliding the laquered pane of wood and glass aside, she cracked a wry grin. "If you can catch me~"
Slipping out of the opening, she flitted down the hallway and toward their training area.
With an added skip, he followed quickly behind her with his own skill in shunpo. She'd win, no doubt, she was called the Goddess of Flash for a reason, but that something was what he was more interested in at the moment. Well, getting some use out of Benihime as well...
Things were starting to look quite positive now, now that the air was cleared between the two, and the gain of Benihime. Very good indeed.