Log; Complete

[with-no-fear.livejournal.com]

When; Saturday, September 8. In the evening.
Rating; Pg at worst
Characters; Hinamori Momo hajikemomo and Aizen Sosuke with_no_fear
Summary; Aizen is driven by the curse to go see Hinamori, thinking she is his daughter.
Log;

Aizen glanced back towards the end of the hallway, where an unconscious Hitsugaya was propped against a wall just around the corner. When the captain woke next, he would not be in a pleasant mood, but it was a necessary step, as Hitsugaya was only proving to be a nuisance. Momo was quite capable of making decisions for herself, and where she did not wish to upset the other Shinigami, she had said that she would see him again, only to change her mind when the white haired boy had stepped in.

Raising one hand, he did not hesitate to knock on the door to the apartment the young man had led him too. Momo had been masking her reiatsu, maybe to hide from him or just the Arrancar, but Hitsugaya hadn't been so smart, and it was no secret that the two were living together. She would be here.

Hinamori was there, an anxious mess already. She'd been stupid, stupid, and she hated herself for it. A vice captain. She was a vice captain, had gained the rank through hard work, dedication, strength, and- And she just kept throwing all of it away.

Her excuses were paper thin and already fading as she headed for the door. A shinigami come to tell her how stupid she was for listening in the first place? Hinamori already knew that, wished Hitsugaya would return so she could apologise again.

She hated feeling so torn, not when she'd been so sure just days, hours ago.

Opening the door only added to the twisted knot that was her stomach. "A-Aizen."

"Momo." Aizen smiled at the small girl, how long had it been since he'd last seen her face to face? Months now, it felt like an eternity. "You could not come to see me, so I came to you instead." He couldn't quite get around in his mind just why he'd tried to kill her. It would have been far more convenient to take her with him to Los Noches.

She had made the choice to not see him, but he had missed her. Her quiet presence in the background, her unwavering loyalty, and her sweet smiles. Smiles he'd destroyed with one action. She was his daughter, he'd raised her, and made her everything that she was, then he'd tried to destroy it.

He couldn't say he was displeased that things had not gone the way he'd planned, anything but.

The last shreds of her resolve that she'd slowly been putting back together shattered. Momo. Since when did he call her that? Never. Ever. Not with that voice, that expression, that- that-

Hinamori had unintentionally backed away from the door. Her mind raced; Tobiume was near enough to grab for, her kidou quicker. Her luck was questionable, he'd already caught her off guard. The only thing she could think of was that she'd promised, sworn to Hitsugaya, and now she'd broken that promise, without meaning to. Without wanting to.

Her voice was meek, quiet, her body language nervous. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to see you, just as I told you before. However, I can see I'm not wanted here." Aizen was not wearing his zanpakuto, he'd left it behind as to not alarm her, and he kept his hands where they could be seen, but he was still deadly, able to kill with just his words, a master of kido. He took a step back, as she had, un-threateningly, putting some space between them so she could make whatever move she chose.

He would not be surprised if she attacked, he half expected it, but he would let her. She could not harm him physically, but just that act alone, he knew, would wound. "I will leave then."

Why, how did he always do this to her? She said no before she realized, the word tumbling out of her mouth in a rush to be said and heard.

"...Stay." Hitsugaya was still at the meeting, to her knowledge. Hinamori was still a safe distance from her ex captain, defensive kidou in mind already. He really did seem... Sincere.

And in some way, that scared her.

"If this is what you wanted." She cursed herself.

Some of the tension he had not realized he'd been harboring drained from his shoulders, and Aizen's smile returned. "This is. I've missed you." It surprised him how much he had, like the realization had just hit him, but this was a feeling that had been with him since he'd left Soul Society, no before then, as he was writing that letter, and even before that.

"Momo," He paused, wondering what she would say, how much she would allow him. "Will you come and have dinner with me? At a cafe or something, nowhere private, I cannot ask you to trust me."

She was still on edge, her fight or flight reflex screaming run and her mind - her heart - urging her to stay, to listen to him. She stayed rooted to the spot. Every time he said her name, part of her just... Stopped. Admitting to missing her caused her heart to clench.

"Hitsugaya-kun should be back soon. I can't go anywhere." It was a weak excuse, would fall with the right words, the right pressure. But Hinamori wanted to believe in it, wanted to know she wasn't intentionally breaking her promise to the captain. She didn't want to leave these rooms, the place that had once been safe and was now somehow found out.

"We can stay like this and talk, but I do not like the idea of being here when he returns. I do not want a confrontation, that would only sadden you. I would rather sit somewhere we are both comfortable, and there is little to no chance of any fighting. I don't want to cause you trouble." Aizen knew she wanted an excuse to leave with him, if only for a bit, and he'd given her one. She would not want to see the fight that would ensue when Hitsugaya woke up, she would not want to see Hitsugaya hurt. Aizen would hurt him if he had to, but he'd rather not for her sake.

He had gone through the trouble of masking his own reiatsu as to not draw the Arrancar here. He didn't go out in this City, unless it was to get food, so his presence in another apartment complex would raise their curiosity. None would know of this meeting except those involved, because she would only be safe that way.

She couldn't, wouldn't hate him. Not for this, not for anything. Even though he was saying exactly what she needed to hear. He hadn't explained himself still, just saying the same thing over and over, that he missed her. What did that even mean? Why try to kill her then? Did he know exactly how much this tore her apart?

Was that what he wanted? She tried to piece her resolve together again, reminding herself of all the times the arrancar had attacked people, of the wounds she knew had been inflicted on Hitsugaya when he believed her dead. "I really shouldn't leave. Hitsugaya-kun will worry." It was easy to use him as a shield, but she knew it couldn't hold up forever.

This was Aizen she was dealing with.

She was stronger than when he'd left her, and he had nothing to do with her growth. It hurt him to think that she could continue to mature without him there to guide her. Aizen knew she was strong though, he'd always known that about her, because he'd been there with her the whole time. "It's quite without you around, now. I don't mean there is a lack of noise, there are plenty to provide that. It's just empty in a way that can only be described by your absence." He'd tried to tell her that before, to make her understand that he missed her being there, to make her know that she was special in a way that no one else was.

"Momo... no... I was wrong to come here, wasn't I?" He made as if to leave. "I've seen you, I can see that you are doing well. That's all I really wanted, it's selfish to ask more."

"Maybe you should have though about that before you defected." She needed something to do, something to keep her busy and occupied and to split her focus, but nothing presented itself easily, and the smaller shinigami clasped her hands tightly. She was stuck with no viable exits but the ones he would present her, a mouse in a maze following the paths as best she could.

She hated that he sounded so honest, forced herself to ignore how much she'd wanted to hear those words, how some part of her begged to reach out and reclaim him as her captain. "How did you know where I was?" It was dragging it out, making him stay, but her curiosity was too great and he was here, now, in front of her, as she remembered.

"I can always find you wherever you go. It's always like that with people you care for." Aizen wouldn't tell her that he just had to manipulate those around her, she didn't need to hear that, it would tilt things in the wrong direction. "I do not regret leaving Soul Society, but I do regret leaving you. I hadn't wanted to, but the option I chose was not better, no it was the worst option."

He considered just turning and leaving, ending her turmoil here and now by deciding for her. She was loyal, the way she should be, perfectly so, and because of that she was obviously torn between to very different things. He knew he was at fault. "I think now that I should have asked you to come with me, explained things truthfully rather than lying to you." He regretted none of the bloodshed or sacrifices he'd made leaving Soul Society, save for her. It was odd, he was so steeled against the world, uncaring for the beings who inhabited it, death nothing in his eyes. Yet, here he was, but it only made sense it would be her.

She recognized the feeling that hit her, the chill, the shock, the fear, disbelief. Her heart hurt, her chest burned. It was like being stabbed again, but without the blade. Those weren't words he was meant to say.

And he'd said them. Care, regret, he missed her, Hinamori Momo, quiet and obedient vice captain of the fifth division was something that Aizen Sousuke missed. She wanted to believe it, body moving that half a step forward before she forced herself to stop. This was wrong, really wrong. He shouldn't be here, Hinamori knew that, hands moving to clutch at her shihakushou, resting above the scar she knew lingered. Tears were rising to her eyes as much as she wished they wouldn't, as much as she wished she could be stronger and reject the man before her.

"It doesn't change the fact that you lied," she managed, words gritted out quietly as she tried to find some shred of strength, to stop the tears before they fell. "Regret doesn't change anything at all."

"No it doesn't." Aizen agreed to both, he'd lied, and he didn't expect her back because he regretted losing that one thing. "Though, this chance to tell you my regrets, to tell you I am sorry, is more than I should have asked." He was going to make her cry again, something he hadn't wanted. "Thank you for listening to my words now, even if you don't believe them, even if you do not want to believe them." He forced himself to stay where he was, wanting to step forward and end her pain, but not the way he had the first time, not by ending her life. "Thank you."

That- This- Her resolve wavered again, again, her armor cracked and useless. She wanted Hitsugaya to be there, so she could look away, avoid his eyes. To hold her back. But he wasn't there, and she stumbled forward, one step, two, leaving him within reach before she was able to stop herself. Hinamori kept her hands in place, forced them against the black fabric, the weight a reminder and a way of preventing herself from reaching out.

She wanted to.

But her resolve broke with his last two words and all she could do was close her eyes, ashamed of the tears that spilled. "Taichou-"

Aizen watched as she stumbled into the hallway, still fighting with herself. Squeezing her eyes shut and uttering one word that told him that she didn't want him to leave more than anything else she could have said. He took that final step forward, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. "Shhhh, it's okay. Don't cry." The white fabric of his clothes seemed to swallow up the black of her shihakusho, he'd almost forgotten how small she was. "I don't want to see you cry anymore."

Ah- This she remembered, but he had no zanpakuto and hers was safely out of reach. Then it was alright, wasn't it? She allowed her grip to slip, hands determined to know if this uniform felt like his, fit into her memories. Her pale fingers almost blended in, and Hinamori choked back a sob. For him to say such things-

"I just don't know anymore," a whisper, a thought she hadn't meant to utter. But around Aizen, Hinamori had so few secrets.

"It's my fault." Aizen would take the blame for this, though he'd never deny fault for anything he did, this was different. Here he would not point out how others had failed leading to such events to happen. "Just decide what you want, that's good enough." Words of comfort were always easy to come up with, reassuring little nothings just vague enough to have the meanings people were searching for. "There is no need for you to cry. You're a strong girl."

She whimpered; clung to him even though she knew it was wrong, useless, a mistake. Hinamori wasn't strong if she could be so easily reduced to this and she cursed herself again even though she couldn't persuade herself to let go. What she wanted was- Hitsugaya was going to be mad at her. "But what do you want?"

She needed to know.

He continued to stand there, holding her comfortingly as possible. "I only wanted this chance to tell you I was wrong for hurting you. I want to tell you that it will not happen again." The words felt strange coming from his mouth, not like a lie, but as truth that should be a lie. He pushed that aside, mentally shaking the thought off. This was Momo, his daughter, his family, and the only person he cared for.

Aizen placed his hands on Momo's shoulders, moving away slightly, and kneeling in front of her, the change in position having him looking up at her slightly. "I can't lie and tell you I've changed, that would only hurt you more, but I can tell you that there are some things even I will admit were wrong. Things I will not do again, for your sake." He reached up and wiped one stray tear away.

She hadn't registered her slips before, the title so used to falling after his name that it came naturally, even now, even after so long and so much trying. So much blood and sweat and tears, and Hinamori still couldn't stop herself from uttering it, admiration slipping into her tone like it had never left, never been torn away. "Aizen-taichou, I-"

The smaller shinigami couldn't avoid his gaze, eyes widening at the contact. Like everything she remembered and everything she'd ever wanted, and it was destroying the walls she'd started to build up like they were made of glass, shattered underfoot.

She wanted to believe in him, even as it made her heart hurt, her whole body feeling heavy. "I want-" Hands balled into fists, resting against his chest still.

"I want you to come back," she whispered meekly, ashamed, nearly disgusted at the pleading tone those words took, the way it drew forth more tears. That Aizen was gone, dead in so many aspects and nonexistent in the rest, but Hinamori still clung to the hope that he remained a part of Aizen, somehow. His returning to Seireitei would do nothing, couldn't do anything. Things wouldn't return to normal, time wouldn't rewind. But she still wanted it to.

"I can't, you know what would happen, my trial and execution." Things he knew would never happen, because no one in Seiretei was strong enough to force him to those things, and the means in which to carry out his execution had been destroyed upon his leaving. "I cannot abandon my path now, because going back would only take me from you more permanently. Where I walk now I go to create a better world, without the divisions and war that plague our current one, one where greater strength is achievable. I will get stronger and protect you." There had been others who had achieved what he sought, those called Vizards, and because of their dual nature were treated as the enemies of Soul Society. It amused him to think that Seiretei's greatest champion in this war so far was one they considered an enemy, he was sure that some knew but were keeping quiet until the end.

Wasn't he strong enough? Hadn't he always been her ideal? She was drowning on dry land, her feelings crushing her. Hinamori stepped back slowly; one hesitant, fragile step, bringing her hands back to her chest.

"H-how-" she hiccuped, choking back another sob, fear creeping in slowly, "-can you protect-" her defenses were down, emotions in turmoil, "-someone you tried to kill?"

Protecting was what Hitsugaya did, what she had sought to do for so many years. Protecting was what she had tried to do beside Aizen for decades, to defend the ideals she had. To shape Seireitei and Rukongai for the better. But not like this, not with blades drawn and whispered lies. She had never been one with her heart fully in the fight.

Aizen hung his head slightly, breaking eye contact. "That was a mistake, one I cannot take back." He stood again, one fluid movement. "Maybe you are right, and I cannot protect you anymore, but my way or another, this battle can only end in blood shed, be it that of those you consider your enemies or that of your allies. There is no such thing as a bloodless war." Tousen had said he'd chosen the path with the least bloodshed, and perhaps it was true, working together with the hollows rather than fighting against them while at the same time fighting against themselves. That's what Soul Society had been doing, by purposefully separating Seireitei from Rukongai there was constant unrest, only creating more problems to deal with in the long run. "I'm not asking you to accept it, but I am only stating what I have witnessed." His entires small speech had been delivered in calm, soft words, holding no malice.

"You do not want to hear any of this, though." He looked at her once more, eyes as soft as his words.

"You- We-" Or had it really just been her in the end, hopeful? "-tried to change things without any fighting at all."

She wanted it to be true still, wanted to know that hurting her hadn't been what he wanted, that turning his back on Seireitei was Ichimaru's fault, that everything was his fault and none of it was Aizen's. He'd fight her easily, she'd seen that, but she still wanted to believe in him. Hinamori was alive because of him. She was in pain because of him. So much of her as she was now was because of him.

He was right though; she didn't want to hear it at all. It hurt, made her doubt, caused her to question herself and everything, every little thing she'd heard and seen. Even now, with this, him looking at her and her alone, she couldn't stop doubting, condradicting herself, body betraying instinct and mouth betraying mind. "Taichou... I just don't know anymore."

"I'm not asking you to take sides." Though it would be easier if she chose him. "You shouldn't be asked to make a decision that would cause you so much pain. Just do what you think is right, no matter what it is." Aizen crossed his arms over his chest, tucking his hands into opposite sleeves. "If that's not fighting, then that is fine too."

"Momo, just think about it. I know you are a smart girl, I know you'll find the answers you're looking for." He shouldn't stay too much longer, it would only confuse her more.

Hinamori didn't know how it was so easy for him to do this to her. She just didn't.

Her knees hit the floor, painfully, but it didn't register. Her vision swum with tears she didn't want to release. And her hands tightened, nails digging into her palms. It was too much, far too much for him to say all those things, to give her such choices and tell her things she'd always wanted to hear. The small vice captain sat there in disbelief, incapable of standing of her free will for so long as he was in front of her. Not when he looked at her like that, said her name like that. "Tai-" she sobbed, caught herself. How many times had it fallen from her? He wasn't her captain any more, and she glanced up at him. "I will do what I have to." It lacked conviction, the edge that should have indicated it didn't matter if she stood against him. It lacked everything but sadness, overwhelming and forcing her to lower her gaze again.

"You shouldn't worry about me."

"I will always worry about you. No matter if you hate me or not." He could see that this was too much for her, that she needed time to sort through her emotions. It was his fault for doing this to her, for confusing her, and breaking her. He unfolded his arms, setting a gentle hand on her head. "If you want to talk again, you know where to find me. If not, I won't blame you." He brushed her bangs aside as he pulled his hand away once more. "Go and get some rest, you'll feel better, and you should smile again."

He turned down the hallway, the opposite direction from which Hitsugaya lay, and stopped to give her a final smile over his shoulder. "Take care of yourself, Momo."