Backdated Log; Mostly Complete (One more tag coming)

[mildlyreckless.livejournal.com]

When; October 23rd
Rating; R for language and conversation topics
Characters; Wolfwood (nico_oniichan) and Vash (mildlyreckless)
Summary; Wolfwood does the honest thing and tells Vash what he did to get a soul for Rosiel. ...You can guess from there.
Log;
When it was all said and done, he'd been left with a feeling of loss and disgust. But, he'd done it for someone else. A kid. That was all that mattered. So why did he feel sickened with himself more than usual?

Wolfwood had washed and scrubbed his skin until it had turned pink, and he still could feel the sweat, saliva, and... Just like blood. Stained by the choices he made.

He had to tell him. This wasn't... Vash wouldn't forgive him for something like this, if he found out from someone else. He might not forgive him anyway.

The message telling him to meet him at his apartment was short, clipped, nothing of what he wanted to say. Still, he owed it to Vash to give him a face-to-face explanation.

Vash probably owed him a few punches to the face, too.

~*~

Vash practically flew to Wolfwood's apartment.

Thank God, thank God…

All he wanted was to see him. He needed to see that he was okay. He had a feeling that something was wrong, but that didn't surprise him. Wolfwood had made a deal with Rosiel the night before. Of course something was wrong.

Just please be okay.

He started to walk right into the apartment, but experience had taught him that Wolfwood's door was usually locked, so he stopped and knocked instead, trying to ignore the churning in his stomach out of fear of what he might see behind that door.

~*~

The knock startled him out of his reverie, unexpected and somehow finalizing that he'd really gone through with it. Rosiel... If that fucker didn't accept, he was going to kill someone.

"...It's unlocked." He croaked, unwilling to move from where he was sitting on the couch. If he answered the door, Vash might try to touch him, and then he'd know, he was positive he would, and then he'd leave. Maybe for good.

~*~

Vash hesitated before stepping inside. Something was 'off,' all right. But he couldn't just stand outside thinking about it… He'd drive both Wolfwood and himself crazy. So he opened the door and walked in. Wolfwood was in one piece, sitting on the couch. He didn't look hurt at all. That was a good enough of a start for Vash.

"Hey," he said, not bothering to keep the relief out of his voice. "I'm so glad you're okay…"

He moved to the couch and sank into a spot on the opposite end, his eyes heavy with concern.

"You are okay, right?"

~*~

He hadn't tried to touch him. He'd never been so grateful in his life, that he'd been spared at least that. Still, Vash was...

There was no reason for him to sound so concerned. Not when he'd done what he did. Typical Vash. Always worrying about everyone else before himself.

Idiot.

"I'm fine, really." He managed a shaky smile, but it was one that didn't last long. "I... There's somethin' that I need to tell you."

~*~

"…What is it?" Vash asked slowly. Something was wrong. Something was really, really wrong. He felt a sinking feeling settle itself firmly into his gut and hoped to God Wolfwood was worrying too much.

"…Wolfwood, what's wrong?"

~*~

He bit the inside of his cheek, hesitating. Would it really make a difference, if he didn't tell?

A stupid question to ask. Vash deserved to know. Deserved to have the choice to get the hell away from him, as well.

"...I slept with someone."

No excuses were necessary. They wouldn't make anything better, either way.

~*~

Vash froze and stared at Wolfwood's eyes in pure, unabashed shock.

"...S-Slept with someone?" he said quietly. "You..."

No. He had to be lying. Or mistaken. Or...

"W-What do you mean?" he asked, wondering if it was obvious that he had started to tremble.

~*~

The tremble in his voice made him look away, down at his feet. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, tell him it was okay, that everything would be fine, but... He didn't have the right.

Wolfwood wasn't the person for that, anymore.

"I made a deal. Doumeki keeps his soul, but I had ta find someone who'd give theirs up." He could tell him about how he was now the property of Rosiel later, when it mattered. "A guy offered ta do it, if I let him fuck me."

~*~

Everything seemed to move in slow motion in Vash's mind. It was as if his body got the message first; his gut clenching and his chest tightening. His brain, however, was having a hard time catching up. He stared into Wolfwood's eyes as it struggled to sort out what it had just heard.

"...And you... You...said yes?" Vash's head was starting to spin. "He..."

He wasn't sure when he had gotten up, but he was on his feet now, eyes frantic to be told that it wasn't true.

"H-He made you?" That had to be it. And he'd find the bastard and make him regret it. That was the only explanation, right?

~*~

Wolfwood took a deep breath, trying to keep his composure in place as he looked up at him. He had to make him understand.

"I did." He admitted, his voice a soft whisper as his hands fidgeted. Nervous, and wanting to grab Vash and hold him and tell him he was sorry, so sorry, that he was a fucking moron who didn't deserve his forgiveness.

Made him? It was tempting to say so but he'd given his consent, enjoyed it while it happened. It was too much of a cop out, even him.

"M'sorry."

~*~

Vash's vision blurred and he couldn't figure out why the hell everything was so out of focus until he realized he was crying.

"You... You would rather... You would rather have sex with someone else than ask me for help?"

That's when the full reality of what he'd just heard slammed into him. Vash staggered and his right hand flew up to clutch his head as his imagination began to take over. He wanted to fall forward into Wolfwood's arms. He always made it better. Promised to make it go away. But now it felt like there was nothing there. That couldn't be Wolfwood. He would never do something like that.

Vash let out a strangled cry of anguish as he lost his balance and began to fall to the side, towards the coffee table. This had to be a nightmare.

~*~

The horrified look on his face spoke for him. He didn't... It wasn't like that! He couldn't ask him, couldn't ask anyone. Faye, Ryuzaki, Elaine, and Zaheela had all offered and he'd pushed them away. Had he... Was he wrong, in trying to do what he had to do?

"N-No, it ain't-" Wolfwood tried to desperately explain, but then Vash was falling forward and he was over there in a split second, catching him and crushing him to his chest.

"I lo-" Love you? Did he really? He wouldn't have agreed to this, if he had. And even if he did... He didn't deserve Vash. He'd been an idiot, for thinking he ever did.

~*~

Vash's frame slammed tense as Wolfwood hugged him. Instantly his mind wondered if he'd touched that goddamn stranger this way. Vash had always considered what they shared something special and unique. But Wolfwood had given it away.

For the first time since they'd been together, he viciously flung Wolfwood away.

"Don't touch me!" he snapped. "Not after you touched him! And what IS it like then?!" He clutched his face with his hands. "I was so scared, Wolfwood! Every time you leave without telling me, I always show up too late to save you and you end up dead! It happened back home and it happened once here! And NOW you go and FUCK OTHER PEOPLE?!"

He fell to his knees and began to sob, clenching the carpet with his fingers.

"I love you, Wolfwood!" he wailed. "And you never let me help! Did I do something wrong?! Were you angry at me?! Why did you do it?!"

~*~

He knew he deserved that. More than that, if he was completely honest with himself. That didn't change that it still hurt. What was worse, it made him so damn angry. And though he knew he shouldn't be directing it at anyone but himself, he couldn't help but want to lash out at Vash.

"I didn't ask any o' you ta look for me! Not the first time, an' sure as fuck not this time, either!" He was being irrational now, but he had been trying to do the right thing. Whatever wouldn't create a big mess for others to clean up for him. Depending on others for help... He couldn't do that. They always found a way to let him down.

Wolfwood averted his eyes from Vash as he began to cry, too angry to try to offer comfort. It wasn't like he could, anyway. If he didn't want him to touch him... Fine. He'd spare him the pain of having to deal with his unclean hands. "Because I had to."

~*~

Vash stared at the floor in front of him with horrified eyes, suddenly still. He didn't care about the same old speech about how Wolfwood didn't need anybody to take care of him, it was that last response that made his blood run cold.

"...You had to?" he echoed, slowly getting to his feet to look Wolfwood in the eye.

Did he really just say that?

"You had to?! You had to sleep with a stranger?!"

He went blind with rage and tears, but it didn't matter. He saw plenty of things in his head to make up for it.

"Did you..." his voice broke off and he had to gasp for air, stooping slightly and forcing back dizziness. When he spoke again, there was less wrath and more pain. He wished he could've stayed angry. At least it didn't hurt so much when he breathed then. "Oh, God, Wolfwood... Did you...enjoy it? W-Was he..."

He covered his face with his hands again.

"H-He probably didn't have scars, did he? That must be nicer..." No venom in his words. Just grief.

~*~

The priest stared at Vash as he yelled, tense and gritting his teeth. "Yes, I fuckin' had to! He's a fuckin' kid, Spikey, an' nobody was doin' shit to help him!" He snapped at him, just wishing he could make him understand. He had before--reluctant and not agreeing with him--when he'd explained why he chose to kill, why he had to. But... This wasn't the same thing. Maybe it was too much to expect him to.

His next question made his own eyes widen in shock, and he clenched his hands into fists. He honestly thought he wanted this? Wanted to let some random guy fuck him against a wall in an alley?

Wolfwood bristled, and narrowed his eyes. "I didn't look. I haven't ever given a shit that you had scars," He growled, "an' he wasn't you."

~*~

Vash flinched and shrank away. There had to have been another way...

He could feel doubt creeping into the back of his mind. Was he being completely unreasonable? He'd forgiven Wolfwood for things in the past. Why did this bother him so much? Was it normal to feel this way, or had he just lost his mind? Wolfwood had done it to save their friend...

But... This wasn't just his to give away like that, right?

"You should have told me," he whispered. "You should have told me what you were going to do. You should have told me. M-Maybe I am being unfair. I-I don't know."

He slowly lowered his hands and looked at Wolfwood. It hurt now. Hurt to look at him. And he was having a hard time figuring out why.

"...I need to go," he said finally, turning away and staggering towards the door. "I just... I-I'm sorry, Wolfwood."

He wanted to forgive him. He wanted to hold him and say there was absolutely nothing anyone could do to make him stop caring about him. But at this point he found himself wondering if Wolfwood even wanted him anymore. If he did, he'd have to show him.