[Complete] Subaru, Ranmaru - Consolance

[elegantorchid.livejournal.com]

When; After this convo
Rating; G
Characters; Subaru [ikigainashi], Ranmaru [elegantorchid]
Summary; Ranmaru wonders why the young man he's speaking with is so upset, and seeks him out to find out. Will he find a friend..?
Log;

Honestly, he just didn't know what to do with himself. There were so many people here. Subaru had been observing. They yelled at each other, hugged each other, hated each other, and loved each other... It was just like Tokyo, only...

There were no rules. No law. As if the world wasn't bad enough where he was, the very thought of not having any law except for the whims of a few deities, well... It made him ill.

On top of that, there were people acting concerned for him who he didn't even know. And Hokuto... She had found him. He couldn't face her. Just couldn't. He was a failure of a brother, even if she didn't know why.

Still, despite all this turmoil going on in his heart, on the surface his expression remained placid, the ash gathering on an unsmoked cigarette loosely gripped between his fingers.

"How strange.. somehow I knew you'd be in a place like this." the voice that spoke would possibly be unfamiliar to him, yet the words similar to something he may have managed to communicate with earlier. And from behind him, the boy that had shown concern without even knowing his name, appeared and watched hm, head tilted to a side as he observed him.

Ranmaru had been curious; this Subaru-san's sadness and angst had been so apparent and obvious that he hadn't been able to pull away from him. And somehow he found himself going through his mind, the possible paces he would be. He started on a whim, and as luck would have it, he was here.

And somehow, he'd expected him to be.

When the other would turn, he'd find the boy smiling shyly, moving a hand up to his hair. "... I apologise for intruding, but after you disappeared.." he paused. "May I join you..?" he asked instead, feeling as if the other could use someone to talk to.

The voice behind him made him jump a bit, and Subaru had to wonder when his senses had gotten so dulled. Rather, he was just so caught up in his thoughts...and there were so many people about that he wasn't sure who to be wary of.

Turning, his mismatched gaze observed the boy, wondering just how he had found him. If he really wanted to talk that badly, Subaru wasn't going to be rude and completely ignore him. He just nodded the tiniest fraction, keeping a wary eye on the boy as he moved closer.

"You are Ranmaru-san, then?"

It had been pure luck, really, not that he would speak of it. And perhaps his instincts had not lost their finely honed self-- nor were his interrogative and investigative skills. Perhaps there -was- some benefit to have been a bodyguard after all.

When the other turned his gaze toward him, Ranmaru noticed it; the man's eyes. Either he was born with that, or he was blind in one-- either which seemed like an enforced injury more than an accidental, he would know enough from being in battles as he had been.

To the other's question, he nodded, and stepped forward, until he was kneeling beside him politely. The high position they were in made sure a gentle breeze was blowing past them, and he smiled lightly. "I am, Subaru-san. I was concerned for you." how strange, to be concerned after such a small amount of time in communication. ".. you're tense." he noted, glancing at him. ".. What troubles you so?"

Subaru was quick to switch his cigarette to his other hand, holding it far to the side as he flicked the ashes. If he could help it, he didn't want Ranmaru to inhale too much of the cigarette smoke. He even turned his head away whenever he needed a drag... Which was often at the moment.

Oh yes. He was tense. "I can't recall a memory in which I wasn't tense... But such a thing is unimportant, as are my troubles. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

He let his gaze occasionally flicker over to glance the boy over. He looked so young... But Subaru knew he also looked younger than he really was, so he wouldn't assume.

He was reaching his nineteenth year, so he was old enough to have gone through enough. Other than that, his death at the hands of Kaen here, a life he had willingly given up for a friend, was hardly of consequence to him. So he would not grow; that would not mean he didn't grow in emotions and soul. And right now, from all he learned, and was still learning, there were always going to be people that needed aid, of any sort.. if he could provide it, by just lending an ear, or a smile, or kind word, then what was the harm in that?

He was curious though, despite not knowing the man at all. But, he supposed if the agony was overtaking him so much, it was time to do something. After all, the city fed on pain. He didn't want it to thrive on the misery of others..

At the man's spoken question, he shook his head and gave a small smile. "Not really, Subaru-san. But you seem to need someone who will just hear you out, and not judge you for your actions."he wondered what it was the other was smoking, then turned to set his silver gaze onto him . "Don't be consumed by that sadness. It'll destroy you.." he whispered.

Subaru was only smoking a cigarette... A brand he had found here. He couldn't believe they had Mild Sevens Lights, but oh they did. Such a bizarre, meaningless city... It had so many things that home had, and yet had so many things that...other homes had. Other time frames. Other worlds. Other dimensions. It was enough to make his stomach turn as he draped an arm over one knee.

"...You are mistaken. I have nothing to say for myself. And I certainly hope something will destroy me." That had been the plan, anyway. Now he was here. Even if the Chi no Ryuu won in his world, he wouldn't be there to be destroyed along with the rest of humanity.

It just made his betrayal all the more meaningless, and all the more terrible.

Here, he had no reason. No purpose.

Hm. That was strange.. to find someone so strangely similar yet.. he couldn't really place his finger on why, there was so much sadness and self-loathing that he was beginning to wonder if -h had perhaps done something wrong. Yet, there was nothing in Subaru's expression or bodily actions that denoted any sort of self-guilt-no contempt or hatred for anyone in his words. Perhaps he was concealing something painful or terrible, but such self-loathing didn't come because someone else had harmed you.

It was confusing. But it wasn't unapproachable.

So with a light chuckle, the boy tilted his head to a side, arms over his knees as he glanced at Subaru with a quiet look.

"Why?" he asked quietly, the boyish questioning gaze never leaving his face. "What did you do that makes yourself hate yourself so much?"

Subaru remained quiet for a bit before sighing and stubbing out what was left of his cigarette just next to him on the rooftop. "I have nothing to say about myself," he repeated, voice almost harsh. Another moment passed before he felt guilty, and gave him a look of apology.

He tried to offer a smile to appease Ranmaru, but it just came out disjointed, and a little more like a grimace. "I'm sure there are many others that are still worth saving or helping. I'm beyond it. Please trust me when I say that..." He pressed a hand against the rooftop to stand.

Ranmaru knew it would be pointless to press a matter when the speaker himself would be so adamant to not let his tongue loose. Oh, but he wasn't here entirely to listen. If anything, he was here to talk, to speak and be spoken with. He didn't flinch at the harshness, expecting it, rather-- and waited or a bit, before chuckling lightly and raising his gaze to the sky, hands going behind him and leaning back against them, stretching his legs straight.

"I'm not here to help you, Subaru-san. Please don't misunderstand. If we were all within the grasp of helping, there would be no helpless people to understand and learn from." he spoke quietly, his eyes taking in the coloring evening sky. Fading into the dark. "... betrayal is not an easy thing to accept, but when it occurs, to the person betraying, it is but another path to achieve what they ormerly believed they could not. No one needs to be blamed for that." he chose his words rhetorically, and somewhat in reference to himself. It was, after all, the only thing that could bring this much pain.

Subaru found himself flinching at the younger man's words, and he was quick to look away again, something flickering underneath his melancholy gaze. Another path? Well, the one he had taken certainly was that. He was no longer fighting by Kamui's side... But he was also no longer out of the war.

Well, he wouldn't be once they returned home, anyway.

"I am told that some people look at this place as a second chance. But I am not interested in one... I can honestly say that I am past the point of redemption, and I..." The young man shook his head, his lips twitching into quite the bitter smirk. His eyes almost glittered now. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

He wasn't at all surprised. He'd thought that too. In fact, he still thought he wouldn't be forgiven for his own sin, but really, at was there more to do than punish himself? Tamaki had called him self-destructive-- and perhaps, in a way, he wanted to be it. He didn't care how many times he was punished, how many times he was made to suffer-- it was going to be what he deserved and he would take it like a warrior.

"Heh.." he lowered his head. ".. that makes the two of us." his smile never left his face,but it was a calming smile than a bitter one. "So I punished myself as well. Just the same way you're doing now." this was where he raised his gaze calmly to Subaru, watching him and the way his smile remained so bitter.

"Don't forgive yourself if you don't want to. But if you punish yourself, Subaru-san.. then don't let those who love you punish themselves too. Have you thought of that..? How possible it is..?" to hurt the ones you love.. "Is that what you really want..?"

Ranmaru's words made sense, but... They also just made him shake his head and abruptly stand. "The ones who love me are dead."

Oh, he knew that wasn't true. Deep inside, somewhere in his heart, he understood that Kamui loved him in some way. And Kamui was alive. But acknowledging that was disastrous. If Subaru consciously accepted Kamui's love, then it would just...destroy him even more. It would make his betrayal that much worse, and he couldn't...

In his defense, Subaru found himself using a biting tone that rarely came out. "If I wanted this to be a confession, I would have gone to a church." Or to /Kamui/. He always liked to analyze people.

Ranmaru slowly stood up, his gaze watching the one who called himself by the name of Sakurazuka, concern lining his own brow. Surely such bitterness came from such deep-set self-loathing that it would be hard for someone to pull him out of it. He wanted to ask why, what it was, but since this was their first meeting, he didn't want to scare the other off with his inquisitiveness.

However, with so much pain and no more words to trouble him, he did the one thing that had come after he became a soldier, a warrior. He walked over, touching the other's arm, before, in a surprising movement, he slipped his arms around his neck and hugged him. He lingered long enough to not be pushed away, silently urging it, and whispered,

"A confession can never be one until you wish to give it. I don't know what you've been through, or what pains you so. Just don't forget that there may be someone here, waiting for you to live again." with that, he pulled back, giving him a calm look, a small, silent smile. "Subaru-san. When you live, live for yourself. But don't forget to let the others that have died, live too." surely there would be someone for him. At this, Ranmaru gave a bitter smile. "You are still fortunate. I don't even have a life or the ones I loved anymore. But in their place, I have those who will let me live in death. Just remember I'll be your friend too, regardless." he sighed, then shook his head, stepping back, giving him a polite bow, then turned around to begin walking away.

"Because there is nothing more to emptiness. Ne?" he turned and smiled over his shoulder. "So why not live, instead? There's always much to do when you do." he grinned brightly. "I wont trouble you anymore, Subaru-san. Forgive this warrior's insolence."

Subaru was too shocked by the hug at first to really do anything about it. Truthfully, all he could do was stare lamely ahead while submitted to those words of wisdom. When Ranmaru finally pulled back, Subaru was quick to take a step away himself, one hand lifting to grab hold of his other arm as a weak attempt to re-establish his personal bubble.

As Ranmaru walked away, Subaru still couldn't think of anything to say. He didn't try to stop him, either. Instead, he finally just tipped his head to let his gaze wander off to the side almost thoughtfully.

So the boy was no longer living? Hearing that Subaru wanted to die probably wouldn't bode well with him...but he still seemed the type who wanted to listen. Nevertheless, Subaru knew he wasn't comfortable with telling anyone... He had told Kamui once, and he planned to let the knowledge stay there.

With a sigh, he sat back down, one more cigarette slipped between his lips as he was left with even more to contemplate.

Ranmaru glanced over his shoulder and watched the quiet man again. He'd come and done what he was here to do, there was no point in lingering anymore. However, it didn't mean that he wasn't concerned. He had a silent, nagging feeling that this wasn't going to be over just yet, and that he'd have to work harder to attain the success he wished to.

Hopefully,someday, Subaru-san would smile.

Reaching into his belt, Ranmaru removed the small gift he'd bought for him prior to this. There wasn't a person who didn't like them, and even if Subaru didn't take it, it would be an offering, regardless. He settled it down, not too far from where Subaru sat-- a single orchid, his namesake, and let it lay beside Subaru. Orchids often meant love, here it meant new beginnings. He hoped Subaru would understand eventually.

"I hope I'll see you again, Subaru-san." with that, the boy turned and headed out the way he came.

The evening was still young, he hoped Subaru would eventually start thinking of joy as the time passed..