log; complete

[theredreaper.livejournal.com]

When; In the night from the 28th to the 29th of September.
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Tony Stark (morethanasuit) and Cat Arthur (theredreaper)
Summary; A nightmare.
Log;

Cat had curled up against Tony, the way she always did when they shared a bed, her head pillowed on his shoulder and one arm thrown carelessly across his chest, one of her legs tangled with his. She loved sleeping like this, with his heartbeat against her ear and his warmth surrounding her - maybe it was because she'd never experienced anything like it before. True, she'd slept in the same bed with a man before, even snuggled, but that had been Bones. And while Bones had had many things, a heartbeat and warmth to share weren't among them. Tony was different and Cat enjoyed the warmth more than she could say.

So she'd fallen asleep fairly easily.

Tony slept with one arm wrapped around Cat, enjoying the familiar ease of their bodies nestled against each other. It was familiar enough now that Tony didn't wake if she shifted slightly against him and if he was entirely honest with himself (which he wasn't) he usually didn't sleep very well without her there.

Tonight was different though, Tony was restless with dreams. Shifting a bit his mind replayed the images of the latest SHIELD operation, of one of his men dying and him being unable to do anything about it. Muttering in his sleep, Tony began to toss and turn.

Cat wasn't a deep sleeper. She could sleep through things as long as they were familiar and non-threatening, but apparently, she wasn't able to sleep through Tony tossing and muttering. She woke up, blinking blearily and shifting a little, her eyes focusing on Tony.

He didn't look happy.

Cat bit down on her lip, not sure what to do, how to react. They both carried enough scars that nightmares were a given and they were both fighters. If she woke up Tony now, would she find herself facing Iron Man before either of them knew it? Should she do it or just wait for it to be over?

Carefully, she put a hand on Tony's shoulder, thumb rubbing small circles over the skin there. "Shh," she muttered, feeling a little silly. Stuff like this worked in movies, sure, but she'd never done it before. But maybe it'd calm Tony down. Subconsciously. So she moved a little closer and kept her hand on his shoulder, kept up a steady and soft litany of words she hoped were soothing.

If it had been anyone else, what she was doing might have worked, but Tony's brain was abnormal and able to compartmentalize to an astonishing degree. For all intents and purposes he was reliving some of the worst moments of his recent past. The fight with the Mandarin and before the the Extremis enhanced terrorist.

He was thrashing a bit more now and sweating. He was shouting more now too, incoherent mumblings interjected with "NO!" and "GOD DAMN IT, STOP!"

Now it was the Civil War and Tony was fighting his friends. Peter had betrayed him and people Tony had looked up to and respected hated him. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out. If they could only see...

Cat's grip on Tony's shoulder tightened and she shook him a little, sitting up in bed so that he wouldn't hit her in his trashing. Not that it would hurt her.

She called out his name, too, quietly first and then louder and more insistently. "Tony, wake up."

By now, she didn't even care anymore whether waking him up would result in staring into one of Iron Man's weapons or not. She just wanted Tony to wake up. She wouldn't admit it out loud, but it scared her a little to see him like this. It wasn't something she could protect him from.

Tony saw Steve standing there on the steps when the bullet hit him. The world's greatest hero and a man Tony once considered a friend gunned down by a sniper, vulnerable because he had given himself up to Tony to be tried for his crimes. And then Happy, his oldest, closest friend and Pepper's husband who was in a coma that he would probably never wake up from... and Tony had pulled the plug on him.

All those kids in the Initiative? How many were dead because of him? No matter what Tony did and no matter how hard he tried people always seemed to be dying because of him. He only wanted to help people, to make up for what he had done. Would he always be a murderer?

"NO!" Tony cried out again, this time sitting straight up in bed, his eyes wide open and panicky. His body was slick with sweat and he was panting heavily. "No, that's not what I am... it's not..."

Cat had withdrawn her hand the second he'd sat up, but now she slowly reached out to him again, fingertips brushing against his side. She shifted closer to him, needing to reassure both him and herself that they were here and together.

"Tony," she said softly, a little worry underlying her tone. He seemed awake, but at the same time still caught in the dream. "Hey."

Her touch triggered something in Tony, snapping him back to the here and now. His eyes lost their wild look and his heart didn't race in panic anymore. But that didn't change the truth of what he had dreamed or what it made him feel. Was everything he had tried to do to make up for what he had done worthless in the end? Was he only good for killing?

He turned to Cat and gave her a small smile. No, he wasn't good for just killing. Tony had Cat, and if nothing else that meant there was still hope for him, if someone like her could care for him, right?

"Hey," he said softly, reaching out to pull her close, hugging her to him and taking comfort from her nearness.

Cat returned his smile, even if it was still a little unsure and worried. When he reached out to her, she came willingly, moving to sit in his lap and molding herself against him. Her arms came up around his neck and she began playing with the short hair at the nape of his neck with one hand, leaning her forehead against his.

"You okay?" she asked hesitantly. It was fairly obvious that he wasn't, but... she didn't know what else to say, how to let him know that she was there if he wanted to talk about it.

"So many are dead," he said, his voice quiet and only a little shaky as the memories began to fade. "So many people are dead because of me. I know more would be dead if I didn't do what I did, but that doesn't change that people are dead because of me."

Tony pulled Cat a bit closer, feeling bad for putting this on her and using her for the comfort, but he couldn't help it. The times he woke up needing someone and someone actually being there were so rare he couldn't push her away. Besides, pushing her away when he needed help would only hurt her and he didn't want that.

"If I was smarter or had seen how things would be just a bit earlier..." Tony's voice trailed off for a moment, thick with emotion. "Maybe they'd still be alive."

Cat shook her head a little in reply, pressing herself closer and curling up against him. "You can do a lot," she muttered, scared that her words would be the wrong ones and yet having to say them because she believed them to be true. "But you can't predict the future."

She leaned back a little, biting down on her lip and looking him in the eye, her gaze serious and earnest. She brushed his hair back, running her hand through it. "You can only do your best, act the way you think is the best." And then you'd have to live with the results and there was no point beating yourself up over it. Advice she'd do well to follow, too, but if giving it made her a hypocrite, she didn't care. It was true.

"But I can predict the future," Tony said, clenching the sheets in frustration. That was perhaps the worst part, is that Tony felt he could have and should have seen this coming. Men like himself and Reed, they should be looking for things like this.

He couldn't stay frustrated for long though, at least not with Cat curled up against him. He sighed, feeling some of the tension leave his body, and wrapped his arms around her.

"I just feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't."

Cat returned his embrace, pressing up against him. She wasn't good with words and she felt helpless against this, against his pain. And she wanted to help him, she just didn't know how. So she just held on to him, kissing him on the cheek and leaning her head against his shoulder.

"There isn't anything I can say that would make this better, is there?" she finally asked, quietly, with a sigh. She was good at solving problems the physical way. Staking a vampire or even ripping a ghouls head off, that she could do. This was out of her league. She didn't know how to do this.

"Just being with me helps," Tony reassured her, reaching out to run his fingers through her hair. And it was true, having someone like Cat there helped a lot. He just wished there was some way that he could really let her know that.

"You make me feel... worthwhile," he told her, nuzzling behind her ear as they rested against each other. "It helps knowing that someone like you sees something in me they want to be close to."

Someone like her... When Tony said things like that, Cat always wondered just what he saw in her. She pushed those thoughts aside, though. Right now wasn't the time to ponder her own issues of self-worth. She wanted to be there for Tony.

"You are worthwhile, Tony," she muttered, lips brushing against his neck. She could understand why some people might not want to be close to Tony; she'd seen what he could do and how he could act sometimes. But that was only a fraction of the time, only one part of him and even if he could be a bastard, even if he'd hurt her before, he was a good man and he made her smile and laugh, he made her happier than she had been in a very long time.

"Thank you," Tony said, holding her closely. He was lucky that she cared for him as much as she did, despite not really knowing much about him, or about his past rather. She had revealed some of hers and Tony had still kept her at arms length about some things that had happened back in his world.

"Back home... there are a lot of people with abilities," he said, determined to tell her about the war before he changed his mind. "A lot of them are heroes, they dress up in costumes and help people. But not all of them have the right training. A group of young heroes... it wasn't their fault but a guy they were trying to capture killed a lot of innocents in the process. Some of them kids. The public was up in arms and they demanded something be done. A lot of people wanted some drastic measures. There was one bill floating around... Superhero Registration Act. If you wanted to be a hero, you had to register your identity, public or secret, and ability with the government and submit to training and testing."

"I may have been born a normal human and lived most of my life as one, but I'm a hero too, I know heroes and I know normal people. This... this was going to happen. One way or another something like this would eventually happen, and this was the easiest road, the least invasive. So I supported it. Hell, I headed it. And I went to war. I went to war with my friends, heroes who went against the act. One of them was Captain America, the greatest hero our world has ever known... he had been my friend and we fought so much. Eventually I won, but... he was shot on the steps outside of a courthouse. Dead. And I don't know if it was all worth it, Cat..."

"What would have happened if you hadn't supported it, Tony?" Cat asked very quietly. The thought of war... It was something bigger than anything she had ever been involved in and it involved so many people that Cat couldn't - and definitely didn't want to - imagine heading one. She already felt responsible for all the men in her team, trying to protect them as much as possible whenever it was possible. She could barely grasp how much responsibility and guilt Tony must be feeling, involved with things of such a large scale.

She hugged him closer, held him a little tighter, as though the physical contact could banish the past, if only momentarily.

"So many more would have died," Tony admitted. And he knew it would have happened that way too. Even if history painted him a villain and his friends considered him a traitor for it Stark had saved thousands, if not millions, of lives.

"But I wish just once it would have been someone else who had to make those kinds of choices," he said, accepting the greater physical contact and relaxing even more in her arms. Ever since this had all began, no one had really been there for Tony, not like Cat was right now.

Cat nodded against his shoulder, hands gently massaging his neck and shoulders as well as she could while still sitting in his lap. "I get that. But you still did the right thing, if it saved more lives. It... it doesn't make you a bad guy. It just makes you someone who's selfless enough to get these things down no matter how much it hurts."

Sometimes, bad things had to be done to prevent worse things happening. Cat hadn't enjoyed killing any of the people and vampires she'd killed, not after she'd realised that not all vampires were bad, anyway, but it had been necessary. And the same held true for Tony's situation.

Tony nodded against her neck, amazed at how good it felt to hear someone say that. Even Reed, who agreed with Tony, had never really reassured Tony that the cost in lives was worth it. It was only just that they were doing the right thing, the damage was never spoken of in a personal way. But it was personal, at least to Tony.

"Thank you," he said, realizing that he really needed to say that, to take the moment to admit that he was human and needed help. He hated waking up from the nightmares to be alone and having someone like her there made all the difference.

Cat leaned back a little so she could kiss him, her lips brushing over his softly with no intent behind it other than reassurance and contact. She was glad he wasn't pushing her away. Yes, his words were painful, mainly to him and to her as well, since she felt helpless, but she would rather have him share a painful memory with her than bottle it up and close her out.

"You're welcome," she whispered against his lips, leaning her forehead against his.

Tony hummed happily and settled back down in bed, pulling Cat with him until she was back in the position that she normally was in when she rested against him. Somehow it made Tony feel just a little more complete. He was sure he wouldn't have anymore nightmares tonight.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Cat," he murmured, closing his eyes.

Cat curled up against Tony. Her usual sleeping position. She figured it said a lot that she had a usual sleeping position with Tony around, and she liked it. She liked the position, too. A lot of contact with Tony, one of his arms around her waist and his warmth surrounding her.

She almost said "The same thing you've done before you got to know me", but swallowed down the words, instead just smiling up at him and brushing a hand down his body until she found his, linking their fingers together.

Tony sighed contently as her hand moved down his body, relaxing even more and pushing the nightmares farther from his mind. Having her so close helped a lot, she was something that was easy to distract yourself with. Normally, that would have been a very shallow thing for him to think about but Cat distracted him in more ways than just because she was gorgeous.

"You're good for me, Cat," he told her, snuggling back against her.

She hid her pleasure at his words, pressing her face into his neck and smiling against the skin there. It didn't feel right to feel this amount of happiness at those words when he'd just had a nightmare, when he'd just talked about war and killing, but she couldn't help the feeling.

"I think I can definitely return that compliment," she finally uttered.

Tony liked the feeling of Cat pressing herself closer and closer against him. She was embarrassed and trying to hide against him. He thought it was cute that she was hiding against him rather than away from him. Did that mean she looked to him for protection or was that reading too much into it? He knew she liked to project an aura of confidence but he also knew she was capable of seeking comfort. At least with him.

"I'm glad. It works out well that way."

Cat purred softly, a content sound from the back of her throat, and moved closer, her thumb drawing small circles over the back of his hand. She gave him a quick kiss, nothing more than just a brush of lips against lips, before settling back against him.

"Will you be able to go back to sleep?" she asked, a little hesistant. She wouldn't say no to some more sleep or just some more snuggling, but she'd get up and keep him company if he wanted it, too.

"I think so," he admitted, resisting the urge to connect to the network or any of the various computers and pieces of equipment he could log on to. That's not what he wanted to do right now, he wanted to sleep, to deal with this like a normal person.

"I'm already feeling more relaxed," he added, kissing the top of her head. "Because of you. I'm glad you were here."

Cat nodded, shifting against him. "I'm glad, too." She might not have been able to protect him from the dreams, but at least she'd been there. She didn't like the thought of him waking up after a nightmare and being alone- she didn't like the thought of Tony having to be alone, period. Especially not when he was having nightmares.

"The sweet, thoughtful interior beneath the tough, bad ass exterior is really very attractive," he said, kissing behind her ear. And it was the truth too, she was really exception. "I like it because both are the real you. You're a very complex, amazing woman."

"Sweet, Tony?" Cat shook her head, giving a soft sigh that she didn't really mean. She didn't mind it when he called her sweet or cute or adorable, it made her smile, but at the same time, she didn't really agree with him. And his tendency to continually compliment her... She liked that, too, but it made her feel embarrassed at the same time.

"You just calmed me down from waking up from a nightmare," he said, now nibbling on her ear as he held her. He loved that she didn't realize how special she was. Which, made him think about how annoying it must be for her to be with him, who constantly said how great he was. Man, he was an ass.

"That qualifies as sweet."

Cat tilted her head aside to give him better access, purring softly. Both being held by Tony and the attention he bestowed on her made little flutters of happiness go through her. She pressed up closer against him, one hand coming up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"You would have done the same thing."

Tony growled just a bit, Cat knew exactly how much he absolutely loved when she played with his neck like that. It was almost unfair how easily she could reduce his brain to interpreting nothing various degrees of pleasure.

"Mmm, yeah," he said, shifting a bit to give her better access to his neck. "I probably would have gotten out of striking range first though."

Cat loved the reactions even an action as simple as just running her fingers through his hair or stroking his neck would get her. It only made her want to touch Tony more.

"Can't blame you for that." If Tony hit her in his sleep, he wouldn't cause any injury - the same couldn't be said for her. Even though Tony healed pretty much immediately. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.

"Unless it's a sex dream and not a nightmare," he amended, feeling himself relax even more, almost to the point where he was about to fall back asleep. "Then I might just see where it goes and just ride things out. Or let you ride things out, depending on what position you decide to take."

Undecided whether to laugh or to hit him, Cat just shook her head and rolled her eyes. She tried not to blush. "You're impossible sometimes, you know that, right?" Her tone was affectionate, though, and she didn't really mind. She liked that in him.

"Awww, you didn't do that thing where you bury your face in my neck and shoulder," he complained, kissing the top of her forehead. "I only say things like that because you give the cutest, snuggliest responses. If you're not careful I might have to kick things up a notch."

And Tony did love her reactions, he loved how one moment she exuded sexuality and the next she was as shy as a school girl. Something about that did things to him, and not in just the ways most people might think. He liked that parts of her were still somewhat... innocent. That all the bad things she must have seen and done hadn't tainted her.

"And I don't know about impossible," he added. "I think I'm pretty easy, at least for you. I could make you work a bit harder before I put out though, if you want."

This time, Cat did hit him, punching his upper arm lightly. She resisted the urge to bury her face against his neck. After all, that was what he wanted. She snuggled closer, though, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Don't you dare, Tony." That referred to both of his comments, but Cat didn't feel the need to clarify.

"What's wrong with making you work for it just a tiny bit?" he asked, giving her his best "I'm completely innocent" look. He was enjoying this too much, the fact that he had gone from having a nightmare to enjoying himself so much in just a short amount of time. And it was all thanks to Cat.

"At the very least I'd resist for about 2.76 seconds before giving into one of your smoldering looks or 'come hither' poses," he told her.

"I don't do anything like that when I'm not on the clock," Cat said, the pout evident in her voice, if not on her face. Of course, that wasn't entirely true, but her motivation for looking at Tony in a certain way was completely different from her motivation at work.

"I know," he said, nodding sagely. He wondered if Cat just subconsciously set herself up for more teasing from him or if he was really just this good at it. Either way, he enjoyed it. "The main difference is that at work you're doing it to thrust something into a vampire. With me you're looking to get something thrust into you."

"Tony!" Cat immediately protested. She moved back to frown at him. There was no way to suppress the blush spreading over her cheeks and collarbones. At least it was dark.

She kept the frown for another moment before allowing her grin to show on her face, shaking her head in disbelief. "That was absolutely terrible!"

Tony tried to look properly chastised, he really did, but it was hard to when he was fighting back such a huge grin. The complimentary red in her hair, cheeks, and further down looked just too good.

"Yes, I suppose that it was," he told her. "But you love it. You love it because I back up such lines with heartfelt sentiments about how much you mean to me and you like being a sex object and the person I care about more than anyone else."

Cat didn't know what to say to that. All possible responses either involved admitting that she didn't really mind the innuendo or that she loved it because she... really liked him, a lot. So she leant down and brushed her lips over his, closing her eyes at the sensation.

"Yeah," she uttered, a little roughly. She did like being the person he cared about more than anyone else. And she liked that he found her so attractive, too.

Tony could tell how difficult that was for Cat to admit that but was glad that she did. She was getting better and better at accepting compliments, which pleased Tony. Because maybe it meant she was realizing how special of a woman she was.

"God you're exquisitely beautiful though," he murmured into her ear. "Like a sunset... the more you look at you the more beautiful you become."

Cat shook her head, kissing him again because it gave her a reason not to reply. And because she loved kissing him. The blush spread a little further and once they broke the kiss, she dropped her head onto Tony's shoulder.

She knew she was good looking - there was no way she would have managed to stake all those vampires, if attraction hadn't heavily factored into the equation, but she didn't feel like Tony's words were justified. Still, she loved hearing it. Even if it made her a little uncomfortable at times.

"And you're fun," he added, nibbling just a bit on the sensitive folds of her ear. "You make me smile with just the smallest things. You make me feel... worthwhile. Like even without my money and my looks and my genius you'd still be with me."

That was, perhaps, as much as he had opened up to someone in quite a while. But he felt perfectly secure in doing so.

That action, as it always did, made her purr. She gave a happy little sigh and then fell silent at his words, just smiling down at him. To hear him admit something like that...

She ran a hand through his hair, brushing her cheek against his and just resting her head there, smiling. "You are worthwhile," she said softly.