tampered | Log; Ongoing

Log; Ongoing

When; April 13, evening
Rating; PG
Characters; Kaoru Hitachiin [

ourdenouement] and Hikaru Hitachiin [

ourculminant]
Summary; This wasn't the way Kaoru wanted Hikaru to find out. In fact, he didn't want Hikaru to know at all.
Log;

They spent the evening together like they used to, like they always did. Sprawled over the bed, the chair, or each other, there was a familiarity in their silences and small conversations that Kaoru missed the months Hikaru'd been gone. Sometimes Kaoru would lean on Hikaru's shoulder, hold his hand. Most times, Kaoru just listened.

For now, however, he sifted through various DVDs, wondering which would be best to watch with Roxas for their movie night later that week. He was almost certain that Roxas would refuse to watch whatever movie he chose, despite the enthusiastic reviews on the cover. But it was worth seeing Roxas scowl. It was worth flicking popcorn at him.

He didn't tell Hikaru about most things - he would allow was a brief mention, a summary, an overview. The distance between them gave such a powerful impression, demanded attention, slipped into the words of others that Kaoru could not control. But still he refused to explain. The memories he gained and Hikaru lost were his own little secret (it was ironic, really, how their situation became so twisted and reversed - it was a terrible punchline, the deities truly had no sense of humor).

And perhaps he was a hypocrite in that sense. Preaching to Ichiru and Zero to understand each other and close that distance and practicing something else entirely - Kaoru didn't care. The year he had over Hikaru was an important one. The words he held from Hikaru were fragile.

-Ah, perhaps this movie would be ideal.

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Hikaru moseyed into the room, bored with looking over a copy of A Midsummer Night's Dream for the upcoming play; Shakespeare was always more of Kaoru's thing, anyhow.

He noticed Kaoru perusing the DVD collection; it wasn't something strange or unusual, of course. Sometimes, however, when he saw Kaoru, he had to pause - was this his same Kaoru? Are you my brother? A year and what seemed like a million people - strangers - to Hikaru separated them; a year and a million people that Kaoru had never mentioned, had not really tried to mention, even when Hikaru would ask questions like "How many friends have you made?" or "How long have you been here?" - Kaoru, his Kaoru, remained vague and secretive.

Of course, though, that was only sometimes - the rest of the times, it was perfectly fine. They'd lie together, chit-chat, sometimes they helped Honey take care of the menagerie of beasts that they shared an apartment with, or watched Haruhi cook under the pretense of "helping". It was as normal. But there was often that nagging idea, that concept, that thought, in the back of Hikaru's head - "Are you my brother?"

Hikaru fell back onto the couch behind Kaoru, arranging himself into a comfortable lounging position.

"Watching a movie? Which one?" he asked, trying to make out the cover of the DVD in Kaoru's hand from an awkward angle. "I'll watch it with you - I'm bored."

Edited 2009-04-13 20:05 (UTC)

Kaoru handed Hikaru the case, scratching the back of his neck almost awkwardly. Though he didn't object Hikaru going with him, he wondered if Hikaru would mind. After all, Roxas was just another friend - he wasn't Haruhi or Tamaki or anyone in their little family. He wasn't sure if Hikaru would understand. "Sure, but, you've met Roxas, right? It's our movie night."

Really, Kaoru had no idea that Hikaru was questioning him. Of course, he had a tendency to do that - underestimate his brother. At this point, he wasn't even sure how far Hikaru had developed. Did he realize his crush on Haruhi, yet? Otherwise, it'd be awkward if he were to try to set them up again.

"I was thinking of a romantic comedy, what do you think?" Leaning back in his chair, Kaoru made note to purchase more popcorn as well. Ah, and to re-read A Midsummer Night's Dream. Perhaps ice cream with Rue, too. "Or just a comedy."

He had so many things to do- when had it come this far?

Hikaru took the DVD case gently, looking over it with a quasi distant expression. Romantic comedy? And a special movie night with one particular person. He nodded his head slightly, handing the DVD back without looking. Shifting his position, Hikaru leaned back against the couch, his arms behind his head.

What did he think? He knew Roxas - he wasn't much for conversation, so far, so Hikaru didn't really understand what Kaoru saw in him. Maybe over that year Kaoru had apparently been in the City, they formed some kind of special relationship that Hikaru was not a part of, as far as he could tell. Was it significant that their special movie be a romantic comedy? Hikaru noted that even though they were brothers, he had never had a special movie night with Kaoru - or anyone else, for that matter. Even if he had had one with someone else, Kaoru would have been involved - they had all the same friends; but not anymore.

"I think~," Hikaru began a bit hotly, "that Kaoru is very popular here." Hikaru didn't think he was jealous, perse - that wasn't it. He was... simply immensely uncomfortable.

There were many responses or explanations Kaoru could have given. Movie nights were a tradition, ice cream days with Rue were a tradition - but saying that would reveal too much. He didn't want Hikaru to know that he was a year older, that he remembered a lot more than he should. It was painful for Hikaru to know that Kaoru didn't remember the first time. The second time wouldn't be much different.

Kaoru was only happy if Hikaru was happy. That's how it had always been, how it would always be.

He noticed the discomfort in Hikaru's words. It wasn't at all difficult for him to feign ignorance. "It's just like school, isn't it?"

"Not really," Hikaru sighed, lowering his arms to shrug lightly, and letting them rest in his lap as he leaned forward to look at Kaoru. "School is school - that's popularity as a Host, right? That's Hikaru and Kaoru - this is just Kaoru - as an individual. Isn't it?"

It was almost like betrayal. It was one thing to want people to be able to tell which one was Hikaru and which one was Kaoru - but not like this. This was entirely based on experience, a year's worth of it, and Kaoru was hiding every one of those experiences from him, even now. Hikaru didn't understand that behaviour; he knew Kaoru would never want to upset him, and of course, Hikaru would never want to upset Kaoru, either - but was that more important to Kaoru than being honest, than telling Hikaru about things that were so important ... like an age gap that would make them less like identical twins and more like just normal brothers who happened to look alike?

To Hikaru, it seemed so much like the scale that Kaoru weighed his priorities with was very, very broken - especially if he was thinking more about which romantic comedies to watch with some guy, than talking to Hikaru about their situation. Even though Hikaru knew because of what Tohru told him, just the idea that Kaoru would be intentionally leaving him in the dark... almost felt like he was being betrayed.

Edited 2009-04-14 01:45 (UTC)

Kaoru understood the conflict - it was so clear and defined. He experienced the same things Hikaru experienced, and though he'd grown a little and learned a little, he could still piece together an idea of what Hikaru felt. Kaoru as an individual - it must have been such a foreign concept. Something impossible.

"That's crazy, Hikaru," he said softly, trying to find the words. At this point, he was only skirting around the issue. Being in the City so long, he didn't think of his other friends as presenting an issue. "You know we'll always be together."

It was an echo of a Kaoru long gone, a boy who'd only started to grasp the idea of independence in the real world.

Being on the same page- it wasn't all that important to Kaoru. Just as long as Hikaru was there by his side, just as long as they were together, happy, that was what mattered to him most.

Hikaru stared at him for a moment, not sure exactly how to respond to that. Of course they'd always be together - they were brothers, they were born together, and it had never crossed Hikaru's mind that Kaoru would possibly leave him, or that they'd actually be separated; he just knew he did not like their current situation. He was not very adaptable, and did not like rapid change, he realised.

He was silent for a long moment, a confused, slightly pained expression echoing out from behind his face; it was subtle, but it was there.

"Why won't you ever tell me what's up, Kaoru? How long have you been here?" he mumbled at long last. He drew his legs up on the couch with him, crossing his arms over them pensively. "It's not as if I'm going to leave you or something - you know we'll always be together."

Hikaru just wanted to hear it from Kaoru - hear Kaoru tell him the truth. He wanted to know that Kaoru wouldn't keep secrets from him, wouldn't exclude him from his newfound world, wouldn't act like he was betraying him. That's what it meant to him.

Kaoru remained silent. He didn't expect this sort of conversation - he should have. It was bound to come up eventually. Why didn't he prepare? He didn't have any answers to give.

I've been here more than a year, Hikaru, he could say. It's nothing to worry about, Hikaru. In the end, we'll go back home together.

But neither was enough.

He looked Hikaru straight-on, giving a small, sad smile. "I'm sorry."

Hikaru didn't speak or move for a moment. He sat, a strange, stricken look on his face, looking at Kaoru straight back.

Sorry. He didn't think he wanted to make Kaoru sorry - did he? He had no idea what he had planned to come of this conversation; in fact, he probably hadn't planned much at all. It was something impulsive - he wanted to get it off his chest, after so long, and did not fully think through what his desired results were. It wasn't as if Kaoru would just say, Okay, Hikaru - we're the same age again and I'll make it so that we're friends with everyone equally like usual, and I haven't been here for a year at all - all fixed! He knew that. But he wasn't sure what solution he was looking for, beyond Kaoru admitting these things to him himself - that was the important thing: their trust.

Hikaru lifted himself from the sofa, walking the few steps over to where Kaoru sat on the ground. He crouched down, reaching out to lay a hand upon his brother's shoulder.

"Kaoru. Kaoru-" Hikaru stopped short. What else to say? In a much quieter voice, with a little breath, he continued, "Tell me."

Tell him. Tell him. That sort of thing was supposed to be easy, instinctive, even. And yet Kaoru toyed instead with the hem of his sleeve, aware that this would break things he was not prepared to fix.

"Hikaru," he began, biting his lip. "You arrived in the City about 2 times before. Each time, you lost your memory of the City. Isn't that weird, Hikaru?"

He didn't mention that the second time, Hikaru came back knowing a lot more than he should have. The second time, Hikaru came back with dark hair and no intention to change it back. That had been painful, not remembering his own twin brother's growth. Being left behind- it wasn't a kind experience. And perhaps, purposefully leaving Hikaru behind this time, not letting him know of the future, was just the same, and Kaoru felt stupid for holding back.

"And me?" He laughs, trying to keep the mood light. "I've been here for more than a year."

Hikaru slunk to the floor, sitting beside Kaoru, having released his shoulder from his grip. There were always so many contradictions - he wanted Kaoru to tell him, but hearing the words from Kaoru's own mouth was possibly more upsetting that hearing it in an e-mail from Tohru - he couldn't tell at this point. As if remembering, I want to do this or I should do this, he took Kaoru's hand in his lightly; it felt normal. It took a while for Hikaru to speak.

"So this is my third time? I heard about that kind of thing before... Maybe having been here for so long, you don't know - it's a kind of surreal feeling." He paused, clenching his jaw.

"How stupid - those people are really stupid. They don't know how this works - I hate it. I'm supposed to be the older twin! It's...--" Hikaru was beginning to act more emotionally, which was not unusual when he was upset - he knew Kaoru knew that. He didn't finish his sentence; he didn't feel that he could find the right word, precisely, for what 'it' was.

"I know, Hikaru." Kaoru gripped Hikaru's hand a little tighter, hoping to convey all his thoughts into that one action. It was too difficult to put into words.

Did Hikaru want to know what Kaoru knew back in their world? Did Hikaru even realize that Kaoru remembered much more than he did? Those sort of things- he wondered how Hikaru would react to his future hair color.

It was comforting, seeing Hikaru become emotional - just like always. Hikaru would always be Hikaru, no matter what he became in a couple of months. Smiling, Kaoru leaned on his brother's shoulder. Soon, Hikaru would come to understand their development.

"Haruhi- this is her second time here, too."

He felt the pressure against his hand, and knew that it meant Kaoru had a lot of feelings about the situation, but no words for them - he was all right with that. He squeezed back.

Something clicked inside him at that moment, though - it was a strange struggle. Haruhi had been here before, too; like he has. It was not something poignant or particularly groundshaking - a slight, subtle realisation that this experience was something that may separate him from Kaoru, in a way, but also was something that may bring him closer to Haruhi. Of course, that was not an idea he was consciously considering; he would not be able to understand why he couldn't grow closer to both at once - but nevertheless, the idea sat in his heart.

"Does she remember her time here before? Or did she also forget?" Hikaru asked, heavily, but much more calmly, leaning back against Kaoru, too.

That he had not yet brought up the differences in memories between them already, and was lightly comparing his situation with Haruhi's instead - something considerably less important, truth be told - was probably a sure sign that, indeed, Hikaru was completely ignorant to the possibility that such a thing could happen to them.

"She forgot." Kaoru chuckled, light and full of remembrance. It was so rare when someone retained their memories upon returning. He could claim that he was used to it, by now. "A lot of people forget."

Spending time with Hikaru, even like this, was immensely comforting to Kaoru, who'd gone on for months without his twin. More than once, even. There was nothing better than this.

"This is even my second time here. But I only left for a week, and I still had my memories. It's so strange, how this City works."

Hikaru frowned a little, mumbling "That doesn't count." Hikaru wasn't very comfortable to know that Kaoru had experienced things with him twice before now, that he had no recollection of whatsoever; he was not comfortable being so less a part of Kaoru's life and experiences - not that he thought he wasn't anymore ... that was incomprehensible - than he was used to.

"Was I here most of the time, at least?" His tone was breathier, but not light.

Even if Kaoru was a year older - even if Kaoru knew many more people, had many more friends, experienced many more things - even if there was that disparity, if Hikaru had at least been there with him, even if he'd forgotten everything now - if he was there by his side for most of it, he would feel a bit mollified. To already mess with the relationship between twins - their relationship - in this way was enough; if the City Deities had physically separated them, too... that would be most atrocious.

Hikaru wasn't allowed to ask that. He wasn't - because Kaoru couldn't lie about that. Not now, when they were in their world, enclosed for what felt like the first time in ages. But to tell the truth was going to be hurtful, he knew it. A pain to them both.

"The City isn't kind, Hikaru," Kaoru mutters, "it's not nice at all."

It wasn't enough, saying just that. The months spent without Hikaru. the very idea of it, made itself so clear and unforgettable. The weight of it pressed heavy against his heart. Even his first arrival here, he'd been without Hikaru. That had certainly been a shock. He could never adjust. Refused to adjust.

Hikaru cocked a brow, frowning a bit. Kaoru was going back to being vague, avoiding straightforward answers. The fact that Kaoru did not give a definite "yes" made it perfectly obvious that the answer was a definite "no" - but Hikaru, giving the benefit of doubt, refused to accept that. There was just no way.

"Kaoru - please tell me that I was here with you all that time. That they didn't leave you alone...!"

He turned to look his brother in the face, squeezing his hand a bit tighter; despite the distance amnesia shoved between them, or any age gap, this was most important.

Edited 2009-04-17 17:35 (UTC)

It wasn't that bad, he tried to tell himself. It hadn't been too terrible being without Hikaru for a good handful of months. No, not at all. In comparison with other people, it wasn't that bad at all, right? Of course, he- he couldn't convince himself of this at all. Despite their growth, they were still twins and still very much attached to each other. That's why they were twins, after all. Hikaru taught him that (a Hikaru just a little bit older than this one, but Hikaru was Hikaru, it would never be anything otherwise).

"Most of the time, you were with me, yes," he admitted, not looking away from Hikaru's eyes. "I was lucky to have you with me for most of the time. Some people don't have that."

Hikaru sighed - it was a sigh of relief. As long as Kaoru hadn't been all alone during that year, then Hikaru resolved that he - no, they - could be fine under the circumstances. He hadn't doubted that they could be - that's why they were twins, after all. And while it was a Kaoru who was a tad younger than this one who didn't celebrate special movie-watching nights with some person named Roxanne, it was Kaoru who taught Hikaru that - Kaoru was certainly his more optimistic half.

Hikaru smiled lightly, reaching out to hug his brother; he wasn't sure whether it was for Kaoru's comfort or for his own.

"I won't leave you, Kaoru - I'll remember everything. I won't let them separate us again. Got it?"

Maybe that was all that could be done for the situation.

He wouldn't mention that they had no say in who leaves and who goes. Kaoru didn't think even a deity deal could stop them from leaving or allow them to both leave. The deities were cruel like that. Plus, he didn't think he wanted to ever make a deal with those people. It seemed like asking for death or something equally terrible.

They didn't even have ownership of their own memories anymore.

He leaned close to his brother, basking in their closeness, just like it used to be. Just like it should be. "And I won't let them either. Not again."

Empty words, but they were better than nothing. They were necessary at this point to keep them tied together, bound. "I got it."

Hikaru wasn't sure what else there was to mention. He had a feeling that - in just this conversation, just this one moment - most of his feelings had been understood, and literally embraced.

He let go of Kaoru, a light, almost bittersweet smile on his face; the end of a hug was always awkward. Leaning back, he decided that he wouldn't pester Kaoru about his friends. It wasn't that he wasn't curious about them, or that he did not somehow... resent their friendship; no, that was certainly true. But he would make it his own private goal to form his own friendships with those people - close the gap again. Kaoru didn't need any stress.

"What was the movie called again?"

Anything Kaoru was interested in, Hikaru was also interested in; anything Kaoru liked, Hikaru also liked; a friend of Kaoru's was a friend of Hikaru's. Even if there was a year's worth of experience and growth between them, Hikaru would close it. They weren't just brothers - they were twins, and that was important; being twins meant the world to them, because they shared it. Hikaru decided, absolutely, sitting with his brother looking over DVDs for whatever special movie night Kaoru was having, that he would keep it that way - it was their world, and nothing and nobody could change that.

Edited 2009-04-23 21:30 (UTC)

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Log; Ongoing

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SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LOOONG

LOL ME TOOO. FINISHED?