tampered | log; completed

Current Music: Brian Strokes Mitchell; Ernie Sabella - Man of la Mancha (I, Don Quixote)

log; completed

When; Backdated to July 17th
Rating; PG-13 for emo and b'awww
Characters;

thefutureking
Summary; Morgana decides that it's time to stand on her own. Now to break the news to Arthur.
Log; Morgana stood outside of Arthur's door, her hand hovering over the knob. After seeing Uther again, after the events of this past weekend, she knew that she couldn't live like this anymore. She had always thought she could take care of herself if given the chance; she knew now that she had to take it. It was the right thing to do; it was what she had to do, for her sake and the sake of her friendship with Arthur.

But that didn't make it any easier.

Finally, she knocked.

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Arthur was busy rearranging the clothes in his dresser and closet. It had been about the 5th time he had done it, but he couldn't think of anything else to do. Originally, he had done it so that if he ever forgave Merlin, when his friend, make that former friend, and the other young man came back and did the laundry, everything would be in a new place. It was petty and ridiculous, but so was Arthur at times.

When there was a knock on the door, he thought maybe it was Merlin before he remembered he had thrown the young man out and currently was still furious at him.

"Who is it?" he called out.

Morgana felt an irrational surge of fear. Generally Arthur just called "Enter." What if he didn't let her in?

Then she'd just force her way in. He couldn't avoid her forever.

"It's Morgana," she said, proud of how steady her voice sounded.

Arthur didn't know if he wanted to see Morgana. Well, that wasn't true, he did want to see her. He just didn't know if he wanted to want to see her. She was probably here to lecture him or give unsolicited advice, probably on how this whole thing with Merlin was his fault. It seemed as far as Morgana was concerned things were almost always his fault. It didn't help that he had come to rely on her advice so much to know when he was being stupid. Not that he'd ever tell her that.

And then there was the issue of her legs. Her long, shapely, fantastic-

No, no, Arthur was not going to think on them right now.

"Come in," he said, making sure to busy himself with something so he wouldn't have to look at her when she first entered.

Morgana took a breath before opening the door and stepping inside. She had dressed with great care, donning a dress that she knew Arthur liked. And her legs were completely covered. Her heart sank a little when she saw him keeping himself busy; she knew he was only avoiding looking at her. So he was still upset. At least he let her in.

"Arthur, we need to talk," she said.

Those words were never a good sign. It meant whatever she was going to say, he wasn't going to like, which is why she wasn't asking if he had time or if she could talk to him. His father said that phrase to him on occasion.

He finished putting away the socks he was fiddling with and then finally turned to face her, making a point of not responding immediately. He he turned to see her dressed in one of his favorite dresses, thankfully one that completely covered her legs.

"About what?" he asked.

She had worked out a speech for this; it beautifully described why she needed to do this, all the while emphasizing how much she cared for him and how much his friendship meant to her. The ending was especially touching.

She just couldn't remember how it began.

The silence was getting awkward. If she stayed silent for too long, Arthur would think it something more terrible than it actually was. It wasn't anything terrible at all. It was just something that had to be done.

"I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me." Start with something kind, something to soothe away the hurt. "The apartment, the clothes...you've taken very good care of me. I was lucky you were here."

Arthur didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to say, or do, or even think to that. Why was she lucky? Wasn't she still lucky? She wasn't making any sense, he hated it when people didn't make any sense.

"Morgana," he started before pausing. She rarely used this sort of tone with him or these types of words. "Of course you're welcome. It's the Crown's job to-"

He paused, it wasn't about the Crown.

"I'm happy to do it for you."

"I know." She wanted to come closer, touch him, take his hand --- some small gesture of affection. But it was taking all her courage just to speak.

"I know that you are happy to do it for me, and I appreciate it...but I can't let you do it for me. Not anymore." Somehow she mustered the strength to look straight into his eyes. "I need to leave."

"What do you mean you're leaving?" he asked. He didn't understand. She couldn't mean leaving the City and she wouldn't come into his room just to tell him she was leaving his room.

"I don't understand."

Of course he would be obtuse about it. Morgana bit back an annoyed sigh. She knew this wouldn't be easy, but she still didn't appreciate him making it more difficult.

"I need to move out of the apartment," she said, keeping her voice patient. "I'm going to get a job and find a place of my own." The words felt strange to say -- women of her time and status did not get "jobs." But there was something liberating to the words as well.

"Why?" Arthur asked, perhaps more confused than before. Wasn't he providing her with enough? That was his job. It was what he was supposed to do. It was his purpose, if he didn't have his people to take care of... Arthur didn't have anything.

Her entire life, Morgana had been under someone else's care. In Camelot, it had been Uther; in the City, it was Arthur. In return for food, shelter, and clothing, she was expected to be obedient, lest she lose her place or worse. She remembered far too well Uther's fits of violent temper when she refused to comply; she could still feel the chains around her wrists when he locked her in the dungeon. Arthur was too good to ever do that to her, but the threat was still there. She could still feel the knife to her throat, even though she knew he would never use it.

And she could never tell him that. He wouldn't understand that it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could do. He would think she blamed him.

"I need to take care of myself," she said, trying to reassemble the pieces of her speech. "It has nothing to do with you. You've been very good to me. I just...this is simply something I need to do for myself."

That was it then, she was leaving. Just like Merlin. Well, not just like Merlin, he had told Merlin to leave, Morgana was leaving of her own free will. Which made it much, much worse. Merlin didn't want to leave but Arthur made him, Morgana just wanted to leave. Which meant that Gwen would go as well, which meant that everyone from his world would be leaving him.

At least Anne would still be here with him. He didn't know what he would do without her.

"Find then," he said, turning back to the pile of clothes next to him on the bed.

She wasn't sure what reaction she had been hoping for, but she knew this wasn't it. Maybe if he had fought her, she would feel better at this. Like this, she felt like she had kicked an injured puppy.

"Arthur, please." She moved towards him, reaching for his arm, hoping that touch would communicate what words had failed to.

Edited 2009-07-21 02:34 (UTC)

Arthur didn't exactly jerk his arm away, but he did pointedly ignore her attempt at comfort, or whatever it was. Why was she doing this? Was she upset that he didn't shed a tear or look more hurt by what she was doing? Well, he wasn't going to give her that satisfaction either.

For a brief moment he thought about asking her to stay for him, but he had already seen how using that ploy worked. He didn't think he could take her saying no to him twice.

"What, Morgana?" he asked. "You've obviously made up your mind, which means nothing anyone can say will change it. I'm not going to argue with you. If you want to go then you're going to go and that's it. Once you've made a decision it doesn't matter what anyone says."

Morgana let her arm fall and bit back tears. She should have known -- she shouldn't have been surprised -- she should have just accepted it.

"I was hoping to hear that you understand," she said, more of her hurt coming out than she would have liked.

Edited 2009-07-21 02:54 (UTC)

"Well I don't," he said, turning back to face her and telling himself that it was not hurt that he saw in her expression but something else instead. She was leaving him after all.

"Because I've never had anyone care for me like that," he said. "I've always been the one that's expected to take care of people. If you don't want that, then fine. It's your choice."

She almost reconsidered at that point, so painful were his words. She forgot sometimes that he had also lost his mother, and Uther was no kind of father. He was so stoic about it.

She could care for him like that. She would take care of him, if he would let her. But he wouldn't; she knew it. He was too proud.

And she couldn't carry on like this. She couldn't stay here, sniping at him, wishing she could show him she cared, drowning slowly in Uther's memory and her own thoughts. If their friendship was going to survive, she needed to leave.

She took another breath, successfully fighting back the tears. "It is," she said, her voice stiff. "I just wanted to let you know."

She turned to leave, wishing things were different.

Arthur sat and fumed for a moment about the situation. If he if he did feel like yelling, he knew it wouldn't make any difference. What he had said was true, no one could change Morgana's mind. Or rather, she refused to let it be changed. She was much like Uther in that way, although he would never, ever tell her that. Besides, with her it was often a good thing.

"Well thank you for letting me know," he said. "Maybe you could talk to Merlin about how it's bad to go behind someone's back."

That stopped Morgana. She still had no idea what exactly happened between Arthur and Merlin.

"What happened between you two?" she asked.

"He's been released from my service," Arthur said, immediately regretting mentioning Merlin. He didn't want to talk about this. He didn't want to talk about anything right now. He just wanted to be alone, which was good because that seemed to be where he was currently headed in regards to his friends. Or the people he thought were his friends.

"It's nothing to concern yourself with."

"Arthur." She wasn't sure if she wanted to slap him or give him a hug. "Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I don't care about you. If something's wrong, I want to help."

Arthur wanted to remind her that actions spoke louder than words and that if she left, he would have no one from home to look after. He wouldn't be a prince any longer and if he wasn't a prince, then he wasn't anything. But he knew that even if he did tell her, it wouldn't change her mind, which would only make the situation worse.

"He lied, I can't trust him, so I dismissed him," he said. "End of story, no help needed."

Any other day, Morgana would have fought with him about it. And maybe she should have. Maybe if she had, he would have seen how much she still cared.

But she felt as though she had pushed him hard enough today, and thought perhaps that space was what he needed.

"Fine," she said, once again moving to leave. "But if you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me."

"No, Morgana, I don't," he said. "You've always been right next door if I needed to talk to you."

He probably should have let it go at that. It was a bit more accusatory sounding than he had intended but it wasn't cruel.

"But you know how to get in touch with me. Besides, I wouldn't want you to think I was checking up on you."

"It's called a Network device," Morgana snapped, her nerves fraying. "And you've never needed to talk to me before. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that now is no different."

"Probably because you're constantly offering your opinion before I could ever have a chance to ask for it," he snapped back, his earlier numbness now giving way to peevishness.

"There are plenty of times I never offered an opinion because you would never tell me what was wrong!" Morgana said defensively. "You're always shutting people out!"

Arthur stood up and pointed an accusatory finger at her.

"Maybe because people are just going to leave anyway," he said. "Or maybe because when I do try, they taunt me or mock me."

Her eyes might have been glistening just slightly.

"How can you expect people to stay if you keep driving them away?" she asked.

She didn't mean it. Later on she would regret those words and wish that she could take them back. But now she was too angry and hurt and scared, because this was the hardest decision she had ever made, and a part of her wasn't sure she could stand on her own, and instead of feeling like a strong, independent person, she felt like the villain.

No more. No more. She slammed the door behind her.

The words stung deeply because deep down, Arthur was afraid that was the case. Not so much that he was driving them away, but that they just didn't like being around him. Merlin probably thought he would turn him over to the king and Morgana didn't think Arthur was competent enough to take care of them.

He wanted to lash out in anger, but he was not so much his father's son that senseless violence was his first reaction to everything. He would go into the forest and find something to kill though.

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log; completed

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