Log; Complete

[medic-assistant.livejournal.com]

When; Sept. 10th, Evening
Rating; PG (They do it, but you don't get to see it~)
Characters; Shizune {medic_assistant} and Kabuto {snake_servant}
Summary; Thanks to the Wishing Curse, Shizune unwittingly wishes to understand Kabuto while on her way back from buying groceries. With this understanding comes the need to confront her own feelings.
Log;

Kabuto sat on the couch, angry with himself for the way he had behaved at the dinner with Tayuya the other night. It had been inappropriate; no worse, it had been down right childish. At the time he had been frightened by the prospect of Tayuya being well, girly, then he was still getting over the other night’s conversation with Shizune, and Tayuya had to go and push buttons. It was the kunoichi’s nature to push buttons, but… it really was rather inexcusable.

He would have to apologize.

Not to mention, Shizune was obviously not pleased with him. At least, when he made that wish earlier (not knowing it was a curse day) it had passed him by; because Shizune’s behavior towards him hadn’t changed in the slightest.

Shizune juggled the bags in her hands, fishing for the keys and trying to avoid dropping her groceries. She usually let Kabuto do that, but since they were… on uneasy terms since Wednesday, she had done it herself. With a muffled curse she watched a peach roll out of the top of her right grocery bag, continuing its merry path down the hallway a few feet. She sighed, setting down the bags by the door and walking after the offending fruit. She crouched to pick it up, stopping in that position, hanging her head a bit and poking the fruit with her index finger.

She just didn’t… understand him. One minute he was sweet, courteous, warm, open… then around others he was cold, biting, and hard. “I wish I did…” She murmured, sighing and picking up the fruit and trudging back towards the door. It took her a moment to realize something was happening. She… felt something, knew something… knew… everything.

She stood, eyes closed. She… she knew. Why he did what he did, why he acted how he did, why he said what he did, why he felt how he did…

Finally she managed to restore her movement, fumbling for the keys and rushing to open the door, forgetting the groceries in the hall as she half-stumbled into the apartment.

“Kabuto?”


Kabuto looked up from his place on the couch, pulled from his thoughts by the person who preoccupied them too much of late. “Shizune san?” He stood, a little slowly. “Is everything alright? You look a little flustered.

Shizune’s voice had, against her command, come out in a sort of half-strangled croak. She grabbed the door frame to steady herself, feeling as if she might fall down with the sheer weight of… understanding. She could look at him and know why he looked at her like that, know why he said those exact words, knew the why of everything.

“Kabuto.” She repeated, trying to steady her voice, trying to steady her thoughts, trying to let herself realize what this meant, the gravity of what this meant… She had the idea that this had to be some sort of curse, but she didn’t care, because right now she understood that he cared, that he really cared, and… that everything… she understood…

He didn’t know what was going on, what was wrong with Shizune, but he could see that something was wrong. “Shizune san?” He made his way across the room, still apprehensive, he was pretty sure that she still angry at him.

… It was a curse day today, one that dealt with wishes… people had a tendency to wish for very random things, perhaps this was the case. “Did you wish for something, by chance?”

So it was a curse day. But… that didn’t matter now… but he asked…

“N-“ She was about to answer that she had not, before remembering that she indeed had muttered something to that affect in the hall. “I… I did…” She murmured, trying to keep her voice level, as it seemed to want to crack from emotion. She held on to the doorframe still, the key still in the lock, trying to keep on her feet.

Kabuto hesitated, wondering if he should ask what her wish had been, but then again thinking it best not to considering her present… condition. “I… can I help then? It’s a curse day, wishes seem to be getting granted all over the place no matter how trivial or sarcastic they may be at the moment.” He reached out as if to place a hand on her arm, but let it drop back to his side.

Shizune hastily reached out and took his hand, the one he’d withdrawn from her. Because… she knew why he did it. She knew he was being cautious, concerned because he didn’t want to seem too forward, because he was far too forward, because she’d rejected him…

“Kabuto…” She whispered, not able to keep the emotion from her voice. “… I’m so sorry…” She gripped his hand tightly in hers. She was sorry because she doubted him, because she thought he couldn’t actually love, love her, love at all… but… he did…

In a word, Kabuto was confused. Shizune wasn’t making any sense. “Sorry for what? You haven’t done anything wrong. I was the one acting like a child when I had no right, if anything, you were perfectly justified for being angry at me.”

“No, no… not that.” Though she understood why he had done that too. “… I’m…” She looked up at him, met his gaze. “I did wish for something.” She gulped a little bit, unable to comprehend that she was actually doing this, but she had to, she couldn’t just stand by and know all this without acting. “‘I wish I understood him…’”

“…Him?” It took him a second, but he got it. “Me… but why?” Deciding the open doorway was not the best place for this conversation. He used her grip on his hand to pull her into the apartment, taking the key from the lock and pocketing it before shutting the door. Shizune was quite obviously not the most stable of people right now, so he took her to the couch so she wouldn’t have to worry about not collapsing on top of all that was going on. “Beside that, you still have nothing to be sorry for.” He told her once they were sitting, hoping to calm her mood just a little.

“No, you don’t understand…” She protested, wishing this damn curse worked both ways or something. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you…” She wouldn’t let go of his hand, sort of cradling it between hers, smaller and thinner. “I’m so sorry…” She almost felt the confusion radiating from him, but she couldn’t seem to make herself make much more sense either.

Kabuto didn’t know what to do. If Shizune had gained understanding, he had lost it. “What ever it is, it’s okay. I don’t really know what you’re talking about, but it’s okay. No matter what, I would forgive you.” He kept his voice soft, trying to sound comforting and soothing, though this was not something he had had to do before.

“No, no, it’s not okay.” She shot back, but then understood he was trying to soothe her, calm her, but… it was too much. So much to know, and act on. “I laughed at you… I didn’t really think you meant it… I thought…” She paused. “I… was afraid… of feeling anything for you…”

Kabuto’s eyes went wide with shock, finally getting it. That was what she was talking about? The events from that night still hurt him, in a way he couldn’t put words to, but he had thought about it, and figured he would have acted the same were he her. “Shizune san, stop apologizing, I meant it when I said I’d forgive you. You were right in what you did.”

“No, I wasn’t.” She shook her head. “I told you not to be afraid, but I was afraid. I am afraid. And I told you to be more open, but I’m not being open with you.” And she was crying, and she didn’t know why, because she hadn’t cried since she was, god knows, sixteen? Because ninja don’t cry, because ninja are strong, and Tsunade had taught her to be strong. But she didn’t feel strong, she felt weak.

Kabuto’s thoughts were somewhere along the lines of “oh shit, what do I do?!” He had never dealt with a crying woman, especially one who’s feelings he cared about. Doing the only thing that came to mind, he freed his hand from hers and wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

Shizune buried her face in his shoulder, her shoulders shaking. She couldn’t stop herself, couldn’t believe she was crying like some genin on their first mission, like some woman who couldn’t control herself… but she just couldn’t. It was overwhelming, what she had just learned, what she was still taking in. And she couldn’t believe how she could have overlooked it, when it seemed so apparent now. When his feelings seemed so clear… so… pure now. “I’m so sorry…” She kept sobbing out, repeating it over and over into his shirt.

Seeing Shizune like this was probably the most painful thing he had ever experienced. Out of instinct his arms wrapped tighter around her. “Please don’t cry.” He wanted to comfort her, but all of this, everything was his fault. The fact that he was so thoroughly confused by everything was probably not helping her at all; but what could he do? “Please?”

Shizune tried to compose herself, tried to stop crying, tried to stop her shoulders shaking, the tears from coming out of her eyes, but she couldn’t. She’d been bottling up her feelings for so long, afraid to let anything out, and now that she was letting them out it was hard to stop. She clutched at him like a lifeline, understanding, which only made it harder for her to get herself under control.

Kabuto just held onto her, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. The less going on with him, the more Shizune could focus on herself. How overwhelming such a wish had to be, one she made because he fucked up. He took another deep breath just for good measure, one hand stroking her hair unconsciously.

It took her several minutes to compose herself, to stop crying enough to lift her head, though she was still wiping tears from her face. She had her hands balled into fists in his shirt, and she didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to stop being near him, not now. She’d been trying to understand what she felt for him for days, for weeks, but it seemed so clear to her now. She’d been holding back, afraid of what others would say. But… no one seemed to object. Yondaime had warned her to be cautious, but no one had told her it was wrong. But it was wrong, so wrong, but she didn’t care, didn’t want to care. She blinked back tears, trying to form words, but her throat was tight and dry.

“There,” He smiled at her, relieved that she had calmed down a little. “That’s better.” He brushed a stray strand of hair from her face, searching her eyes for some hint of the thoughts that lie behind them. “Can you explain this to me now?”

She swallowed uneasily, gulping back fears and trepidation. She’d taken the first step, and she’d have to see this through.

“When you said you loved me.” She murmured, her voice soft and hesitant. “… I didn’t want to take you seriously. I was… afraid, that if you said that I would have to look at what I felt for you, and I wasn’t open, because I was afraid you’d find out.” She tightened her grip on his shirt, anchoring herself. “And I was afraid that it was wrong, and then I understood…” She vaguely motioned to the hallway, where she’d understood. “…and it all seems so clear now… and I can’t run away anymore, because even though it’s wrong it’s right…” She took a breath, resisting the urge to hide her face from him, because he seemed to be able to read it far too easily. “It’s… right…”

Kabuto’s heart stopped beating, did she really mean what he thought she meant? She had too, she was being pretty clear, but he didn’t want to do anything, say anything, until she said something first. He had messed things up pretty badly on his own the other night, and he wouldn’t do that again. “Shizune... do you really mean it?” This was one instance that “better safe than sorry” seemed to be words spoken by the Gods.

She struggled for words. ‘Yes’ seemed too simple, not good enough. She nodded slowly, watching him, her eyes locked on his, knowing he was scared, knowing he needed to make sure, knowing he needed to make sure because he didn’t want to hurt when he found it so new to love. And, she mused, if he could understand her, he would feel the exact same.

Kabuto smiled, that was good enough for him, and he could only hope that tomorrow he didn’t find out his stupid wish had been granted and none of this was real.

Hesitantly, as if this were more delicate than any surgery he had ever performed, and it was, he pressed his lips against hers. He didn’t pull away instantly like he had that first time, but lingered for a few moments.

She pressed closer to him, one hand moving up into his hair and pulling it loose from its ponytail. She liked it loose. She broke from him after the first few moments, but didn’t retreat far, unable to stop the blush from her cheeks. “Kabuto…” She whispered, as if trying out his name for the first time.

“I love you.” Kabuto wasn’t nervous about saying it this time, didn’t have to fear the rejection from before. He felt like he could have said it over and over until his voice grew raw and he could speak no more and still not have it be enough times. “I love you.”

“I know.” She murmured, embarrassed, but… not. “I…” She struggled with the words, but not because she didn’t feel, because she was afraid to admit it. But his own feelings, why he said it, made it easier. “I… love you, too.”

Kabuto kissed her again, this time with more passion, letting his feelings guide him. He felt as if he could breath again, as if his world wouldn’t collapse at any moment. And for once, for once in his entire life, he felt like he had something worth holding onto.

There were still going to be problems for them to work out, on a personal level and just based on how they had lived their lives up until that point, but he was willing to work around anything and everything if he needed to.

She held him tightly, following his lead. She… had no real experience in the matters, but it was sort of… instinctive. The touch, the taste, the feel, it was all so… real. And she still knew, still knew why and how and because. And she wanted it, needed it, no matter the cost.


~~~~~~


“Hmm, Kabuto?” Shizune shifted under the sheets, propping her chin in one hand and poking his bare shoulder with the other.

“Wah-” He rubbed his sleep filled eyes, blinking at the out of focus world, before rolling over to face Shizune, her close proximity making her the most detailed thing in his poor near-sighted vision. He smiled at her, glad that it wasn’t a dream.

“You’re not allowed to call me Shizune-san anymore.” She smiled a little, reaching over him to grab his glasses from the nightstand and put them on his face. “That better?”

The world came into sharp detail, and he nodded. “Yes, much, thanks.” He leaned forward, kissing her a little awkwardly, not used to any of this.

“Welcome.” She murmured, smiling into the touch of their lips. She no longer understood, the curse was over. But it wasn’t a curse that time, as far as she was concerned. It was… almost awkward, but almost not, something in between. She gave a sigh and flopped back down into the pillows, idly wondering how his bed had two more pillows than hers did. She wanted to clear some thing up… but she didn’t want to ruin the… what was this called? She didn’t know, but she didn’t want to break the comfortable feeling between them. And she certainly didn’t want the feel to turn awkward enough to send her scurrying for clothes.

Kabuto wrapped an arm around Shizune’s waist, pulling her close just so he could hold her. He was content to stay like that, and go back to sleep, but he was pretty sure she had woken him up for a reason. “Something on your mind?”

She made a disgruntled noise in the back of her throat, but she knew she had to say it. She hadn’t forgotten what she’d understood the day before. She brought a hand up to lightly play across his own.

“I understand… why you can’t betray Orochimaru.” She whispered, turning to rest against his chest. “And… I guess…” She didn’t know what to do with the information, besides know it. “… I just don’t want you… us… to worry about it…”

He closed his eyes; that was one thing he hadn’t known how to explain to her, but at least this way he didn’t have to. That was the one complication he didn’t know how to fix, something even death couldn’t solve. He took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. “Even so, it will be an issue eventually. We’ll have to worry about it at some point.”

Kabuto couldn’t betray Orochimaru for one reason above any other else. It wasn’t loyalty, it wasn’t respect, it wasn’t anything as foolish as honor. It was a kinjutsu, one placed on him almost five years ago when he was freed from the jutsu Sasori was using to control him. He had agreed to serve the man who had freed him, for no better reason that he could, not caring what course his life took, agreeing to be placed under a jutsu that would be a fail safe. This jutsu being one that would whip any memories gained after it’s being placed on him if Orochimaru ever decided that he wanted to activate it.

Betraying two different masters would sort of put your trustworthiness into question.

She squeezed his hand in return, frowning a bit. “I don’t want to worry about it.” But it was only a half-serious statement, because she knew it eventually would come up. She had understood yesterday, and she thanked the City deities silently that she still remembered today. It put everything he did, had done, would do, in perspective, and she knew it would be very difficult for her to ever be angry or upset with him again.

“But, if we have to worry about it… we’ll worry about it together, okay?” She idly compared the size of their hands, flattening her palm against his.

Kabuto nodded, opening his eyes to look at Shizune. “I just want you to know, that I don’t want to forget you, no matter what. But,” He paused for a moment, “if I do, don’t let me make the same mistakes again.”

Shizune lowered her gaze, nodding slowly. “I’d tell you everything.” She murmured, not wanting to think it would ever come to that. It had been hard enough to bring it this far, she didn’t want to think how hard that would be. “Of course, this means I get to know everything.” She smiled a little. “Which means one of these days you get to talk a lot.”

Kabuto kissed the top of Shizune’s head, giving her waist a squeeze with the arm still wrapped around her. “I promise, now go back to sleep.” To emphasize his point, he took off his glasses once more, placing them back on the bedside table, before pulling the blankets up around them.

Shizune gave a content sigh, snuggling closer and resting her head on his shoulder, nodding once. She closed her eyes, wondering if she still thought this was wrong. But before she could think too much on it, she had drifted back to sleep.