→ and i will hold on hope

[hexuality]

When; 05 October, early Friday morning.
Rating; PG-13?
Characters; Ginny Weasley [hexuality] and Remus Lupin [mapmaker].
Summary; Nightmares and bad feelings about mysterious cottages in the wilderness.

Log;

[Ginny Weasley dreams of war. It isn't new and it isn't a surprise, she's been plagued by it since before there was even a war on, except the diaries and the dying roosters are mingled with the castle blasting apart, with friends and family being struck down. No, it isn't new. But it's been worse since the month began and she knows by now that it must be a curse that's heightening it all, making them daily instead of simply frequently. Enough to lose sleep and some peace of mind, enough to wish she wasn't so alone.

Tonight, she's bolted awake in a cold sweat and a stillborn cry on her lips and she's on her feet and moving before she's even realised it. She goes to Remus' bedroom, eases his door open a crack, just enough to see him, to reassure herself that he is still alive and breathing and safe. She almost wants to cry, knowing what she does, knowing that he won't always be that way and for her, the worst has already happened. But not here.

She lingers for a long while, standing there in shadow and watching the rise and fall of his breath as her own steadies. Then she moves off, grabbing a glass of water in the kitchen, pushing open the huge window that leads to the little metal terrace of their flat. There, on the grate and in the corner, she settles, trying to breathe.]

Comments

[mapmaker]

[ He's not sure what it is that wakes him. All he knows is he's suddenly aware of the dark shadows on his ceiling and the way light spills through a crack in the door that wasn't there before. So he lays there and tries to listen out for any noise.

There's nothing, but that doesn't mean he feels assured. So he pushes himself from his nest of blankets, barefeet against the floor and his pajamas rumpled as he steps out. He can see Ginny through the window and he doesn't really think about it, just moves until he can lean out and see her properly.

Softly. ] Are you all right?

[hexuality]

Remus.

[She almost drops her glass, startled and nerves still rattled (her wand is in the pocket of her dressing gown, clenched tight in a fist), because she didn't think she'd made any noise. She didn't mean to wake him at all, though, selfishly, she's glad to see him, to hear his voice beyond straining to remember the last thing he ever said to any of them before his body was brought into the Great Hall with Tonks'.

She exhales, face pale in the city lights, smiling a bit.]

You shouldn't creep up on people like that.

[mapmaker]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

[ He leans against the side of the window, his expression thoughtful. ] James used to tell me off for that. [ He crosses his arms over his chest. ] Isn't it a bit cold to be out here?

[hexuality]

Did he?

[She shrugs at his question, draining her glass of water in one go and setting it aside, wrapping her arms around her drawn up knees and hugging them to her chest.]

I like the cold. Wakes me up.

[Keeps me from falling back asleep.]

[mapmaker]

He often threatens to put a bell on me.

[ He gets that. Which is why the next thing he says is more perspective. ] Nightmare?

[hexuality]

[She briefly entertains the idea of lying to him but she's too tired to do that. And because it's him.]

Yeah. [It's quiet, she doesn't look at him, but it's the truth. She wants to reach for her wand again but she won't.] Yeah, it's... I guess it's the month. Octobers are never very kind in the City. Everything's just set my teeth on edge.

I hope that's not why you're up, too.

[mapmaker]

I've been told that. I didn't realise the creeping sensation was a city-wide thing. [ It feels like the day before the moon, his skin crawling and the thing underneath shifting, lying in wait. ]

If it helps, you're not alone. We can check in with each other as much as you need. [ Then, a shake of his head. ]

No, sometimes I just wake up.

[hexuality]

[With a sheepish sort of smile,]

Or because I opened your door. I'm sorry. I just had to make sure... [She isn't sure how to explain it, threading her fingers through her own hair as she looks out to the City, shrugging a little.] I wanted to know you were still here. Maybe I'm just going mad, I can't think straight when I'm this tired.

[But she doesn't want to go to her potions hidden away. She already has earlier this week.]

[mapmaker]

How about I make you a nice cup of tea? [ He doesn't imagine it will be a miracle cure but he wants to do something for her, help in some little way. ]

I bought lemon and honey the other day. I can make it like my mam does.

[hexuality]

I'd like that.

[She uncurls from where she's sitting, picking up her glass and sliding over to the window so she can come back inside.]

Here, you haven't got to be cold just because I want to be. I'll come in with you.

[mapmaker]

[ He wants to tell her she needn't if it would make her feel better to be out. But it wars with his need to look after her and being inside would be a lot better.

So he puts the kettle on by hand because he left his wand in the bedroom and moves around the kitchen like he belongs there. ] Would you like to talk about it?

[hexuality]

And depress you when I've already gotten you out of bed at the crack of dawn?

[She sets the glass in the sink, drawing her dressing gown close and knotting it closed so she can pull herself up onto the counter, sitting on it.]

That's more than wildly unfair.

[mapmaker]

[ He's already brewing the tea, careful and measured movements that make up the whole of Remus Lupin. ]

You'd listen to me, Ginny. So allow me to return the favour.

[hexuality]

It's just... [She doesn't want to tell him there's another war in his future. She can't ruin that. She pushes her hands through her hair, exhaling, deciding to tell as much of the truth as she can without revealing much else.] Just people I care about—getting hurt, losing them. Family's everything to me, so...

[A little shrug, toying with a stray thread in her clothes. She's silent for a full minute, willing the words to come, not reluctant but unsure.]

So sometimes I dream that—that something happens and I'm too late. And it's somehow... that maybe it's my fault? Or I've been cursed?

[Cruciated. These are more memories than dreams.]

[mapmaker]

[ He stirs her tea and lets her talk and then when she's done he places it beside her on the counter and puts his hands on her shoulders. It's a grown up move for all that he's sixteen and younger than her now. ]

I find that very hard to believe, Ginny. Bad things happen to good people, and it's cruel and it's not fair but it doesn't mean you are the cause of it. I'm sure they know that you love them too.

[hexuality]

[It's so reminiscent of who he grows up to be, that simple gesture, that she almost wants to cry. She keeps her face tipped down until the feeling passes, then glancing up to him when he's finished speaking, smile faint and wan.]

I'd do anything for them. For you lot. You know that, right? [She still feels like she's shaking on the inside, the last of a Crucio leaving her nerves.] I won't let anything happen to anyone I care about. But sometimes I can't move and I just see it happen— [She drops her gaze away again, eyes closing briefly.]

[mapmaker]

I do know.

[ He would hug her but he's not sure he can, if it's allowed. Remus is always so very careful about who and how he touches. ]

Ginny, sometimes things happen and you can't control them. What you can do is just continue to be you. That's enough.

[hexuality]

[He doesn't have to hug her because she sort of deflates under his hands and words and tips forward until her forehead is resting on his shoulder. She isn't crying because she knows, rationally, that the war is over and all that's left if she ever goes home is healing and rebuilding. But the nightmares and the City have left her exhausted and Remus is about the only thing she has from home.]

I know. [And she wishes she could tell him at least a little, so he knows this isn't irrational (isn't it, though?), that she isn't some wreck for no reason.] I know.

[mapmaker]

[ He wraps his arms around her back, his palm covering the back of her head and it's gentle and kind. ]

We'll be all right, both of us.

[hexuality]

[She lets him hug her for a few long seconds, then her arms lift to return it, exhaling softly against him and letting everything clattering around in her come to a rest just for a few moments. Her eyes close, shoulders relaxing a little and she just breathes.]

You're so sure.

[mapmaker]

Yes.

[ He thinks that she's been through enough. The world owes her a little bit of peace. ]

[hexuality]

[What would he think if he knew her full story? She can't bear to tell him, to cause more grief, to say the world doesn't stop being horrible for years and years.]

You're a good bloke, Remus Lupin. [She lifts her head so she can rest her chin on his shoulder, looking out over the empty apartment, arms still around him.] I hope you know that.

[She never told him before it was too late.]

[mapmaker]

Well, it has been said.

[ It's not ego. No, Remus tries to be a good person, to make up for the monster that creeps under his skin. ]

If you ever need anything, Ginny, you can ask me.

[hexuality]

You've done so much.

[She genuinely means that. She leans away from him, hands on his shoulders, studying him for a moment.]

Thank you.

[mapmaker]

[ He watches her, concern evident but then again, he's already fond enough to feel naturally protective. ]

I mean it.

[hexuality]

I know you do.

[She squeezes his shoulders once, gently, then looks away and takes a breath, reassuring herself and him both. She picks up the cup of tea he made her and lets the warmth of the ceramic seep through her palms and she takes an obliging sip under his watchful gaze.

And then she flashes him a quiet smile.]

It's delicious, Remus. Doing your mam proud, I see.

[mapmaker]

[ His own returning smile is fond. ]

She swears by it. Dad is more of a hot toddy kind of bloke but it's not like I can get my hands on good Firewhiskey here.

[hexuality]

[Her brows raise at that and she grins, shuffling down the counter so she can pull open a cupboard. And in there, she unearths her single bottle of Firewhiskey.]

You mean like this?

[mapmaker]

[ He looks at the bottle, then at her, then laughs. ]

Well, all right, had I known that I would have made you something stronger.

[hexuality]

[She looks a little sheepish and puts it back.]

I've been saving it. It was payment from Anonymous for fixing up the Hall.

[mapmaker]

It's funny how they can bring stuff from home and yet there's no way out.

[hexuality]

Things from home always manage to turn up. If it isn't a curse, it's a trade.

[mapmaker]

I imagine if I ever needed to trade anything they'd probably look at me funny for the chocolate frogs request.

[hexuality]

We could try and make them.

[That would be an incredible distraction for her.]

[mapmaker]

We could. I wouldn't know where to start though.

[hexuality]

With chocolate, of course. The charm can come later. You made the Marauder's Map, didn't you? Aren't you a brilliant wizard?

[mapmaker]

[ He laughs, ducking his head. ]

Well, I wouldn't say that. But I'm more than capable.

[hexuality]

Exceptionally capable.

[She feels more settled now, a little less like shattering apart. Her hand reaches out to squeeze his.]

We'll be just fine, as you said.

[mapmaker]

[ He returns the gesture with a small modicum of concern. ] Of course we would. Hogwarts wouldn't have prepared us for any less.