tampered | Log; Complete

Log; Complete

When; Jan. 02
Rating; PG
Characters; Nemu {

empathed}
Summary; Nemu seeks out the empath Hisoka to understand things she can't on her own. AKA the girl knows nothing about emotion.
Log;

Nemu didn’t know what to think.

So many things had happened in such a short span of time. She’d spent the entirety of the holiday contemplating emotion, trying to understand things. How she felt, why she felt, why she’d never been able to do such things before… and had always hit a wall she was unable to pass. So she had been told of the empath, sought him out. Kurosaki Hisoka. Having been told that he wasn’t usually so nice, so accommodating, Nemu was exceedingly grateful for his help.

Feeling guilty enough that only a cursory scan of her emotions and mind had sent the empathy to unconsciousness before, she had still asked if he would delve deeper. She didn’t know why, she was usually not one for pushing from others, for asking for anything. But… she had to know. Had to know things. Certain things.

And so, the creation nervously adjusted a pillow on the sofa, casting one last look about the spotless, spartan apartment, standing stock-still by the door to await the empath’s arrival.

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An irritated sigh escaped him before he knocked on the door. This was not something he liked doing, in the slightest. But he'd get talked into helping, one way or another. The blonde shinigami, Rangiku, would probably try to guilt him into it. Or she'd simply smile at him and ask why he thought it wasn't worth the bother. In the end, he wouldn't have won, and he'd still be standing here.

Irritated. But that was what he felt, and it wasn't for the shinigami waiting for him to know. So Hisoka shoved his own emotions aside, blankly waiting for her to answer the door.

Nemu prompty opened the door, stepping aside to allow the empath entrance, dipping her head slightly towards him.

"Thank you for coming." She murmured, voice soft. She knew he kept inssiting that she didn't need to thank him, but... she didn't know any other words to express what she felt in that respect.

"...Whatever." It was clearly pointless arguing the failure of language versus emotions to someone who didn't even understand emotions. He knew she was thankful, for fucks sake, and he hated people who felt the need to show things in both manners.

But then again, she'd said she didn't understand emotions, so it wasn't really her fault. It didn't stop him from being cold towards her though, and he stepped in, already looking for somewhere to sit. No way was he attempting anything while standing.

"Can I get you anything?" Nemu closed the door behind him, gesturing to the sofa and two chairs arranged around a small table. She wasn't sure at all how this would go, even after being read at a cursory level before. It was so strange to her... and the things he'd said about the first reading?

... She was afraid they were all true.

Hisoka wanted to say so many things and leave it there and then but he'd just wind up back here anyway. He knew how this would have to go. "No, don't worry about it. Just sit down."

Well, she could stand if she wanted. But he sure as hell wasn't about to, and he claimed himself a spot on the sofa with a small sigh. This wasn't going to be easy. "You have to focus on the events surrounding the emotions you want to understand. Otherwise I'll be stuck digging through everything, and I doubt you want me to know your life from start to finish," was the only explanation he gave to how it would work. He still didn't even understand why she wanted to know, the boy had been keeping himself out of everyone elses affairs pretty much since he'd arrived, with very, very few exceptions.

But even if Hisoka did care - which, he told himself, he didn't - he'd find out anyway.

Wordlessly, Nemu sat in one of the chairs directly across from Hisoka, folding her hands in her lap after smoothing down her skirt. Her face was blank, eyes lidded. She was afraid.

"Very well." She wasn't even sure where to begin. But she kept her eyes open, concentrating her gaze on a small decorative sphere in the middle of the table between them. Focusing on the events...

First meeting Ulquiorra. Words exchanged. He was an Arrancar, a useful person to be around to gather data for Mayuri-sama. Useful, nothing more. And then the curse day, where overwhelming need had driven them together for a time. There was nothing attached to that, simple fulfillment. But she'd felt... almost required to speak to him more civilly after that. To step back and look at him as more than an Arrancar. As something like herself. Someone like herself. ... Then the curse where males had somehow exhibited pregnancy symptoms, when she'd made a joke. Her first joke, actually. And feelings of maybe, just maybe, she'd enjoyed his companionship. That he provided her with a level of conversation she couldn't get elsewhere. A sharing of interests, of passions, of... lack of purpose. She began to think about how it had begun, eyebrow's beginning to furrow as she ran over it all in her mind.

Fuck, he hated this part. The moreso because he was actually trying to trigger it. But it was too late now, wasn't it? He'd agreed to it. As long as she didn't do anything stupid or her memories tied into others he'd already picked up, it should - would - be alright.

Slowly, somewhat carefully, he leaned forward, holding his hand out for hers. He needed direct contact, as much as it pained him to admit it.

Nemu noticed the movement, let it register. Oh, he wanted her hand. The shinigami unfolded her hands, letting one rest in his, gently, cautiously. She was not overly affectionate, was not used to much contact physically. That done, she let her gaze fall once more as her memories swirled to the surface.

More meetings with the Arrancar. Growing... attached. Wanting his company not to observe his behaviors and abilities for her creator, but for herself. Another intimate encounter, this time spurred by a curse again, the family unit one. An encounter different from the last. Not just need, but affection, and she didn't know if it had come from the curse or not. More conversations, more meetings. And then the child curse, playing with the Arrancar, making him a snow heart, being happy. Happy. Wishing they had had hearts... being confused, in pain, from his pain, his confusion. ... Being stabbed, feeling his sword in her chest, the pain, not of the wound, but of betrayal, that he would even... that she would expect else... and then fear. Fear that she might love, that she might feel anything, fear of feeling... and being unable to face him, though she'd tried... wanted.

Hisoka closed his eyes, waited, forced himself to connect. Winced.

She was a bigger mess than he'd thought previously and he tried not to recoil from the touch, as much as he wanted to, as much as he wanted to be left alone, to not do this, to go hide in some quiet, empty corner of the library.

But fuck. He'd agreed, she'd agreed, she'd looked - felt - like she needed this, and he let it flood in.

And promptly snatched his hand back not even half a second later, panting for breath. "He fucking stabbed you?" he demanded, leaning back, away from her. No one had warned him about that, and it had, regrettably, forced to surface the memory he'd gleaned of another shinigami being stabbed by someone she trusted. The hell was wrong with these people? He hated, hated those kinds of feelings.

“… He did.” She had been both surprised and not when the empathy had recoiled from her. Her voice was soft, gentle. “It was my fault.” The shinigami added, and she was honest in that belief. If she had not made that wish, it would never have come about, and she had only further exacerbated the situation. Not helped in the least.

Nemu didn’t know what else to say on that note. But she supposed it was a good thing what she wanted to know had nothing to do with Mayuri-sama, images of his experiments, his modifications of her body, coming unbidden to her mind.

"It wasn't." The boy forced himself forward again, closing his eyes. "But you could have fucking mentioned that." Grabbing her hand again none too lightly, he sighed, this time prepared for anything she felt like thinking about now that he'd been surprised the once.

He really wasn't as fine as he'd mentioned before, still worn out from the entire City's worry hitting him, but he'd make the effort anyway. Ignoring her surface thoughts - the fuck she saw in a man who did that he did not know - he went further, back to the thoughts she'd had previously.

Fuck, his head hurt again.

Nemu bit back an apology, he didn't seem to be in the mood for those just as much as he didn't seem to enjoy thanks. Her eyes lidded again in thought, trying to regain her focus.

The arrancar.

Trying to figure out what she felt. Fear, fear of feeling. Afraid that if she felt, as Mayuri-sama had built her to avoid, that everything she was would change, that she would no longer know herself. But at the same time... these bonds... with her friends, the other vice captains and the ones in the City... and him... she didn't want to lose them, to hurt them, to be cold to them, even though it was all she knew. Hating that she wanted to comfort, to soothe, to show affections, but did not know how.

Well. It was almost a subject too close for comfort as he dropped her hands again, this time not quite so suddenly.

Hisoka didn't say anything though, keeping his eyes shut as he mulled over it. The hell did she say she wanted again? To understand emotions? Fuck, they should have another power switch day, it seemed like half the City wanted to know what it was like to be empathic.

But at the same time, no, they really shouldn't. No one else should have his abilities, and the young shinigami finally opened his eyes to look at Nemu, irritation, pain, tiredness clear. "Ask away."

"I..." She didn't want to start with him. He... shouldn't be important. No. Nemu folded her hands in her lap once more, still, silent, as she puzzled out what she wanted to ask.

"I do... don't I?" The creation finally managed to say, eyes opening fully to meet his. "Feel... like everyone else?"

"If by that you have emotions that are normal, yes." Hisoka shrugged, sat back, far too weary to care that he was showing weakness in front of a shinigami he didn't know.

"If by that you mean you feel just like every other idiot here, no. Every individual has the same emotions on a base level, they just feel them differently. It doesn't, won't make sense to you until you can feel someone else, so don't argue the point and just accept it. I know what I'm talking about."

It was what Nemu had been afraid to hear. Her shoulder lowered slightly, her hands tightening in her lap. She had them. Mayuri-sama would be... he would be so angry with her.

The shinigami didn't argue, trying to phrase another question.

"Do I love?" It was not meant to be specific, but general. Even after asking many people about that particular emotion, she still couldn't wrap her mind around it. At all.

"They're normal. If he's mad at you for having them, he's a fucking idiot who wanted to build a robot, not a vice captain to suit his needs." Fuck, but he did not want to be dealing with this right now.

"I already told you, love is made up of many different emotions acting together. You have the emotions needed, yes."

The vice captain's first instinct was a denial. Of course Mayuri-sama was not an idiot. But... she decided not to. She didn't want to. Not now.

"And..." Her hands tightened once more, gaze leaving the empath's to stray, unable to focus on one thing. Nervousness barely hidden from her face. "... him?" She wasn't talking about Mayuri-sama.

Trying to hide it was stupid of her, but he simply shrugged.

"It's not a physical need to be with him, it's a deep seated emotional one." Not what she wanted to hear, but he didn't care. It was the truth.

Nemu had frozen, mind whirring and trying to compensate, trying to understand, trying to- Why?

"I... I see." She finally managed to say, voice even softer than before. This was... both expected and unexpected, but still just as frightening.

"I think... I have no more questions at this time."

"Fine. Just-" He paused, trying to assess if it was safe for him to stand up just yet.

"Just, stop being afraid of feeling." Content that he'd manage Hisoka stood, heading to the door. "No one ever understands this shit, so don't worry." He let himself out, leaving her to think about it.

Nemu waited for the click of the door to cover her face in her hands, eyes closed, shoulders shaking, trying not to think. Not to feel. Not to be.

... And it didn't work.

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