tampered | (no subject)

When; January 29
Rating; PG
Characters; Alois Trancy

ronderotarel and Ciel Phantomhive

eidoloncast
Summary; Alois senses that there's something bad going on in the Manor. He wants to discuss the matter with Ciel.
Log;

[It is nothing that he isn't already used to, really. Not getting told what's happening is something that has always happened to Alois. His brother never told him he made a contract with a demon. The men who kidnapped him never told him he was about to be sold as a sex slave. For four years, Claude didn't tell him the truth about who killed Luca. He never got told Sebastian brainwashed Ciel with all kinds of lies about him until it was too late. He never even got directly told Claude had picked an interest in Ciel.

So the fact that nobody is telling him what's going on in the Manor doesn't surprise him. He sees Claude giving weird looks to Sebastian, he sees Ciel's weird moods when he's around Sebastian, and the hatred in his eyes when he looks at Claude. He's afraid of going to sleep because he doesn't know which demon he'll find dead on the floor once he wakes up. And in the middle of this unspoken war, he still doesn't know who his allies are.

That is why he came to Ciel's study this afternoon. He doesn't bother with knocking, because he never does. He simply walks in and speaks.] Ciel, can we talk? [His voice sounds way more insecure than he'd like it to.]

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[Alois doesn't want to cry, but he cannot help himself. Ciel is hitting way too close to all his most painful memories.]

He lied to me because he was bored with his life. He said he initially wanted to go after you because it gave him a reason to fight against Sebastian.

[One wouldn't understand why saying something like this makes Alois so upset, but the truth is that these are things he heard Claude say while he was still trapped in that bloody ring, tucked in Claude's chest pocket.]

That was before he tasted your blood, which is apparently so fucking better than mine. [A small, very humorless laugh] And he decided to use me as a tool to obtain your soul. That's why he killed me.

[And this is going to make him cry harder. Because the memory of Claude standing in front of that bloody tower, telling him how he just used him, is still too vivid and too painful in his mind.]

I told him he could've lied. I told him I would've let him win the maze if he lied to me, but I wasn't even worth that much.

[He sighs, and closes his eyes.]

Now he wants to kill you because you're a fucking abomination to him. And he wants to kill me because it's my fault if he can't eat your soul anymore.

Edited 2012-02-03 22:38 (UTC)

But there are bigger questions than that, Alois. Why Sebastian? Do they have an old grudge against one another? This never was only about me... it was about him.

I suppose the better question to ask then, would be; What did Sebastian do to him to make him treat him with such animosity? He was willing to sacrifice your contract, your life and mine. This has very little to do with your worth.

[He pauses a moment... because he can see how brilliant his soul is. It makes him hungry but he'd never admit to it.]

Frankly, your soul is the same caliber mine is. Simply a different flavor. I suppose we should look at Claude for he is... a spider. The fault was never with you, he poisoned you, spun you in his web and left you to die -- regardless of the outcome, a butterfly cannot love a spider for bringing its death. A beast cannot be anything but a beast. The illusion he wove with his poison was that he loved you and you were desperate to be loved...

so in other words, you should stop blaming yourself for things he did. It's pointless. It was not you who did all this.

I don't know why he's interested in your fucking butler, Ciel. I don't see why anybody would be interested in that bastard.

[He's getting a bit hysterical. These are hard questions to answer.

But then Ciel is telling him that nothing of what happened is his fault, and that does make him feel better. Both because he's desperate for any sign of recognition from Ciel these days, and because not many people in his life have actually told him he isn't the one to blame for everything that has happened to him.]

It's my fault for not being able to make it better. After I turned you into a demon, I-- I ended up in a nice place with Claude. And Claude cared for me then, I know he did. He told me I was the only human who'd ever made a ripple in his life as a demon.

[He gets back on his feet, and goes sitting on the arm of Ciel's chair.]

But he doesn't remember that. And I can't make him appreciate me again. Or at least I don't know how to fucking do it.

[Then, in a much smaller voice.] You don't understand this anymore, do you? You're not a human anymore, you don't understand what it means, wanting to be the one soul a demon wants.

[But Alois has seen Ciel's memories. He knows there was a time in which Ciel found himself alone in Paris, abandoned by Sebastian. And that he admitted to himself he wanted to be the soul Sebastian wished to consume. He guesses Ciel has made himself forget about that by now.]

Bastard as he is he's at the center of this mess, you realize.

[He can't bring himself to feel pity but he does sympathize. And even that is difficult for Ciel.]

Don't assume you know what I think or feel. I'm asking these questions because they are important and we have to have a plan of some kind.

I had wanted to be a soul fit for Sebastian, even though I didn't think souls really existed, I thought I was gambling with the imaginary. Now I know that isn't true and I learned it the hard way then -- Sebastian is who I wanted my soul to belong to. But now it doesn't matter, does it?

I can no longer cling to hope like you. He betrayed me and he'll do so again if it suits him. He follows my order not to lie but omits the truth, he finds loopholes in everything I say and my own actions -- undoubtedly he hates me as much as he hates you. Regardless of that, are you just going to wallow in your despair? Or are you going to turn it into strength?

If he hates you, then you should start hating him too. [Because there's nothing Alois wants more than getting to take Ciel away from Sebastian.]

I'm tired of being sad. I do want to be strong, but I don't know how. I don't have a plan of action. I don't have a decent contract. I don't even know if I still have any strength left in my soul to do anything.

[And then, after a small pause, he turns his head a little to look at Ciel. He seems curious.]

Tell me one thing. Can you see my soul? What do you think of it?

Edited 2012-02-03 23:24 (UTC)

I do hate him. Your sadness has to become your strength, even if they take everything away from you, you have to prove to them you're better. It's not hard.

[He looks slightly uncomfortable, studies him a moment and then looks away.]

Yes. Souls are hard to describe, Alois. I think it's stronger than you give it credit for.

Then I suppose I have a lot of strength.

[Because there's a lot of sadness in him. He imagines that is also how Ciel manages to carry on. Even if they've taken everything from him, his pride is what keeps him going.

Hearing Ciel talk about his soul, Alois smirks a little. He knows Ciel only looks away when he's embarassed.]

Do you like it?

Edited 2012-02-04 00:51 (UTC)

But you rarely use it.

[He wants to scoff but his voice winds up being softer than he means it to. He just sighs. Now they're going to go in this round-about again where there are no winners and Alois will likely wind up crying again.]

Should I not?

[And now Alois' smile is very very wide. He's very flattered. Ciel just told him he's strong. He also admitted that likes his soul. They are very subtle compliments, but considering Ciel's huge pride issues, Alois is already surprised he went this far.

He's already sitting close to him, on the arm of his chair, so he just reclines his head to rest his cheek on top of Ciel's head.]

Thank you.

[Then he sighs. He places a hand over his own heart and shudders when he, once again, gets to feel no heartbeat. He's certainly not digested the news about his current condition quite yet, but he's trying not to think about it. He doesn't want to freak out in front of Ciel again. Yet his voice does come out sounding more agitated than he'd like it to.]

Well, I guess now we'll have to figure out a plan. Or they'll figure it out instead.

Edited 2012-02-04 03:44 (UTC)