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[juicebox-woes.livejournal.com]

When; January 8th (Backdated a tad)
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Shiba Kaienreverse_swirled, Kuchiki Rukiajuicebox_woes
Summary; Kaien needs to be briefed on events since his death, and Rukia offers to bring her fukutaichou up to speed.
Log;

Rukia shifted nervously on her feet as she waited underneath the sakura tree in the gardens. She mentally scoffed at the part of her mind that whispered to her about the romanticism of such a setting. That was ridiculous, afterall. It was Kaien-dono. Her fukutaichou. The man she'd admired above all else. The man she had once thought she loved. The man...she had killed. That thought sobered her and she shook her head. No, it wasn't time to be dwelling on those sorts of things. This was serious. She hadn't really meant to let slip her concerns regarding her allegiances, but now she had and now she would have to answer for it.

Kaien quickly walked towards the gardens after telling Rukia to meet him in there. He was worried about her, he couldn't help it and he figured maybe this would help him get caught up with what happened after he died. As he neared the garden, he saw Rukia waiting underneath a sakura tree, he smiled and lifted up his to wave to her as he began to approach her.

Noticing the dark-haired man's approach, she turned and bowed to him, ignoring the sweat that broke out on the back of her neck. Certainly, he looked friendly now. But...what would happen when she told him of her suspicions? Raising her head, she nodded to him. "Kaien-dono. A pleasure to see you."

Kaien smiled again, and reached out and ruffled her hair playfully like he often did before, "It's good to see you too Rukia. I missed you. So what were you talking about when we spoke before?"

She couldn't help the flush that rose in her cheeks as his large hand ruffled her hair. It was so...familiar. And even though she wasn't that girl anymore, wasn't the younger her who had adored him from afar, it still dredged up something in her. She glanced away, slightly embarassed. "It...it's complicated, Kaien-dono. It's about...about Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo. He's the one who looks so much like you."

"Oh. That guy?" Kaien paused, looking thoughtful for a moment "Complicated or not, I'll listen to whatever you have to say, Rukia"

She nodded, settling down onto the grass at the base of the tree. "I...I guess I should start at the beginning. But....before I do that...." Turning, she bent forward, resting her forehead against the ground, head bowed. "Please forgive me, Kaien-dono. I...I didn't mean to, I didn't..."

Kaien sighed and bent down, lightly poking Rukia "Oy, Rukia. You don't need to do that and apologize to me, it was what I wanted you to do, now can we get on to the more important things here, like what I need to know?"

She flinched slightly, glancing up at him through black hair. She had known he would say that, but still...it had been HER zanpakuto that had dealt the final blow. And even knowing that it was what he'd wanted didn't make her feel any less responsible. But..he was right. Now wasn't the time. Sitting back up, she nodded slightly, tucking her hair behind her ears. "It started almost a year ago. When I was doing my duties in a town in the human world called Karakura."

Kaien stretched his arms and sat down beside Rukia, and just listened to her speak.

"I was persuing a Hollow, when I came across something..unusual. I went into one of the houses, just passing through like I normally do. Afterall, the humans don't see us, so what does it matter, right? But...he could see me. He actually...kicked me." She felt her cheeks redden slightly in embarassment at the thought of her, a member of the Kuchiki clan, getting kicked in the backside by a human teenager.

"...really? You mean that guy who looks like me?" Kaien said, surprised.

Rukia nodded. "Yes. At first, I couldn't believe it myself. Afterall, I'd never seen a human who could see us. But...that wasn't the more important thing." She folded her hands over her lap, frowning thoughtfully. "His reiatsu was enough so that it blocked my perceptions of the Hollow. It attacked his family and it wasn't until he mentioned it's cries that I even heard them."

"Is was? Hm. That's interesting..." Kaien turned to face Rukia, as he waited for her to say more.

"That isn't the half of it. The Hollow attacked his family. It was after HIM, not the spirits in the area. When he tried to interfere, I put a kidou on him, to bind him. The idea was to keep him out of the fray so that I could deal with it. But he...he broke the kidou. A human, broke the kidou with his own strength."

Kaien blinked, the more he heard about Ichigo, the more the other surprised him, "...So I'm guessing, after he broke the kidou, he went after it then?"

With a sigh, she nodded. "Yes. And in the process of shoving him out of the way, I was hit. There...there was no way I would have won, Kaien-dono." And that shamed her. The idea that she, a member of the Gotei 13, even if she wasn't a seated officer, would have been struck down so easily galled her. "I...suppose I felt sorry for him. As though I had brought this all down upon him. I offered him a choice. Take half of my powers and use them to save his family."

Kaien frowned, "Wait. So you gave him your powers? Rukia, you know you're not supposed to do that!"

"I KNOW that! But it was the only option at the time." She glanced down, frowning. "It was only supposed to be temporary. Just enough to deal with the Hollow. But he...he took them all..."

Kaien let out a sigh, "Yeah but...huh? He took it all?"

"Yeah. All. And then he destroyed the Hollow as easily as if he'd been doing it for years." She leaned back, staring up into the sakura petals overhead. "So I did the only thing that I could think of to do. I had him do my job. Until my powers built back up."

"Huh. That's pretty impressive..." Kaien said slowly, "So while you had him do your job, did you eventually get your powers back?"

She shook her head. If only things had been that simple. "No. Not at first. It was..soon after he drove the Menos back into Hueco Mundo. Seireitei sent a "retrieval squad". Nii-sama and Renji. To bring me back to stand trial."

"...A trial? For giving your powers to him?" Kaien asked.

Rukia nodded, drawing knees up to her chest. "They took me back to Seireitei. Nii-sama, he....nearly killed Ichigo."

"...He nearly killed him?" Kaien said, "So he was there too?"

She nodded again. "It was Nii-sama and Renji that they sent after me. I left, intending to keep Ichigo out of it. Afterall, it was my problem. Not his. But he followed me. He...attacked them. He pushed Renji back, but then Nii-sama...it was too fast for Ichigo to do anything."

"But he came anyway and fought them to get you back?" Kaien paused, trying to make sense of what Rukia said.

"Yes. I...as he lay there, I told him I would never forgive him if he followed me. Nii-sama..would have simply finished the job, and I..I didn't want that. I'd drawn him into things too much already. Nii-sama and Renji took me back to Seireitei. I was imprisoned, scheduled to be executed."

"You were scheduled to be executed? That's not what they usually do..." Kaien said, shocked, "Why did they even think that was necessary?"

She shook her head. "It...there was more to it then that, I learned later. While I was imprisoned, Aizen Sousuke had deceived everyone. He used his zanpakutou's release to trap all of Seireitei into an illusion and fabricate his own death to sow distrust and chaos into the Gotei 13."

"Really? So all this time, he was decieving everyone?" Kaien asked, as he turned to face Rukia.

Rukia nodded again. "They moved me into the Shrine of Penitence to await my execution. I...I had just accepted it, really. But then I heard a rumor. About a group of ryoka. One of them an orange-haired shinigami with a zanpakuto as large as he was."

"A group of them? So more than just Ichigo came to get you back" Kaien asked

"While I was with Ichigo, I made...friends. With several of his friends. They...all came. I saw Ichigo once, when Hanatarou-san of the 4th division and...your brother, actually, came to try and break me out. On the bridge from the Shrine of Penitence, Nii-sama stopped us. And then...Ichigo showed up. But he was no match for Nii-sama. I thought....that I'd be watching his death. But then Yoruichi-san showed up. She took Ichigo, and promised Nii-sama that in three days she would make him stronger. And they vanished again."
x k c s t x (9:30:06 PM): [*back?]
x k c s t x (9:40:56 PM): "Ah, I see" Kaien smiled slightly "...Really? My brother actually came too, no wonder your friend Ichigo sort of knew who I was already"

He paused, as Rukia continued to explain, "Hm. So then after they left, did he actually come back stronger then after those three days?"

She smiled slightly, cheeks colouring a bit and eyes taking on a softer look. "He did. I was at the Soukokyu, right at the point of execution. And then...he was there. He...saved my life. I didn't realize until later the real scope of what he did." Rukia glanced up at him. "Ichigo achieved bankai in three days."

"Huh. That guy sure is something..." Kaien laughed slightly, "So is that all that I missed, or is there more than that?"

"Yeah....he is. He and the others went back to the human world, but not before....Aizen Sousuke got what he wanted. The Hougokyu, that Urahara Kisuke had hidden in my soul when he gave me my gigai."

As Kaien watched Rukia talk about Ichigo, he couldn't help but notice something different in her when she talked about him, "The Hougokyu? ...Why did he want that?"

"To create his Arrancar. The Hougyoku makes it possible to take a Hollow...and turn them into a shinigami. Creating something else entirely."

"He created the arrancar? Oh. So that's what the few of them who kept mistaking me for Ichigo were..." Kaien said, as it all began to make a lot more sense to him.

"Yeah. After Ichigo and the others went back to the human world, I didn't see them again for awhile. Until the Arrancar showed up. That's..where I was before I came here. There's a girl. Inoue Orihime. A...classmate of Ichigo's. She has healing abilities. Aizen kidnapped her. We were trying to get her back." Whether she realized it or not, her mood shifted slightly at mention of the other girl. It wasn't that she didn't like her. In fact, Rukia was very fond of Inoue. So...it didn't make sense why she couldn't help but be glad that the girl wasn't there. Her mind flickered back to what Byakuya had said. Am I...really jealous?

"Hm...so is that what you were talking about with the whole switching sides thing?" Kaien said, as he looked up towards the sky, in thought. "Although it kind of sounds like you don't like her...the girl you're talking about"

Her eyes widened and she shook her head. "N..no! It's not that...that I don't like her...not at all...." She studied her sandaled feet, eyes downcast. "How could you not like her? She's...beautiful. And kind and gentle and compassionate. She loves everyone, and heals all things...even the Arrancar. She's...the perfect girl.." Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, she tried to keep her voice from wavering. Was nii-sama right? Was she really this bothered by things? "But...that's not what I meant about the sides."

"Rukia..."Kaien frowned, all of what Rukia just said, it all pointed to one thing. "...you're jealous of her, aren't you?"

She sat straight up, face turning bright red. "N...n..NO! Of course not! That...that's just ridiculous! Why would I be jealous of Inoue?"

"Oh come on, just who do you think you're talking to here?" Kaien shook his head slightly "With how you were talking about how perfect you think she is earlier, it's kind of obvious"

"I...that is....I'm not...." She frowned. "It's just....true..."

"Rukia..." Kaien said quietly as he reached over and pulled Rukia into a hug, "You know, you really have no reason to feel that way"

She stiffened, eyes widening for a moment before she relaxed, forehead resting against the front of his robes, fingers curling into the fabric on his shoulders. "I...it's true. She's everything I'm not..."

"Wait...what?" Kaien scoffed "You're perfect just the way you are. Why would you even want to be her?"

Biting her lip, she didn't meet his gaze. "Because......he loves her...." There. She'd said it. Admitted it, more to herself then to him.

"He...you mean Ichigo?" Kaien asked, "What makes you so sure of that?"

She pulled away, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. "I just am....besides.....it's not like he'd love ME, or something ridiculous like that."

As Rukia pulled way from the hug, Kaien turned towards her, it was obvious to him that she thought of Ichigo as more than a friend "Oh really now? Rukia, have you tried talking to him about this...about how you feel?"

Violet eyes widened in astonishment. "K..Kaien-dono! I...I can't do that! It...it's not....I don't....."

Kaien couldn't help but laugh "You can't? So you mean you'd rather keep it to yourself, even if there is a chance he might feel the same way about you?"

She gritted her teeth. Of all the things that she didn't like, being laughed at was one of the ones she hated the most. But despite the fact that she'd normally have shot back an angry retort laced with sarcasm and acidity, this was Kaien-dono. Her fukutaichou. The man she'd worshipped from afar for so many years. The one she could honestly nearly say she'd loved. And so, she couldn't bring herself to snap back at him. And she certainly couldn't hit him, the way she might have done Ichigo or Renji or someone else. Instead, she just hung her head, biting her lip. She would NOT cry. No. Not at all. Kuchiki Rukia did not cry. So then...why were her eyes wet?

"Hey, hey~ I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it, honest" Kaien reached over and hugged Rukia again as he saw tears coming from her eyes

Her lower lip trembled for a moment before she stopped trying to hold back the tears. Fingers clutched the front of his robes and she finally gave in and just cried. It was shameful and weak, but she'd been forcing herself to be strong for so long she just couldn't help herself. Maybe it was seeing Kaien-dono again, maybe it was the way Byakuya treated her like a sister and not an imposition, maybe it was just this place and it's strangeness and the way it seemed to bring all her insecurities to ther surface and force her to face the things that she dreaded most. Either way, despite her attempts to halt the tears that rolled down her cheeks, they just kept falling.

As Rukia held onto him as she continued to cry, he gently tightened his hold on her for comfort.

"I..I shouldn't...shouldn't be like this...it's..not right...." She pulled away, wiping her eyes, cheeks scarlet with embarassment at showing such weakness in front of him.

Kaien shook his head, "Rukia. It's okay to cry, you know..."

She smirked slightly, frowning. Ichigo wouldn't have thought so. He would have rolled his eyes and asked her what the hell she was blubbering about so much. And in a way...she was thankful for that. As much as she sometimes just wanted to curl up and cry, it was a luxery that Rukia didn't often feel she deserved. And Ichigo helped, in a way. He helped by not allowing her the time to think about it. But..."That...wasn't what I meant. I meant...about Ichigo. I can't...be like this. I shouldn't be like this..it only interferes with everything."

"Oh....Wait, intefere with what exactly?" Kaien asked, curiously.

Rukia sighed, pulling away to sit back on the grass, staring up at the leaves overhead. "Remember when I mentioned about Ichigo coming and saving my life? The other shinigami only assisted him and the others after Aizen's treachery was revealed. And then...they withdrew back to Seireitei. Ichigo...resents them for that. And so he refuses to side with them in this place. He isn't covered under the terms of the current truce."

"Ah. So that's what you meant about switching sides then?" Kaien said, as he leaned back against the sakura tree.

Nodding, she let her fingers caress Shirayuki's hilt, feeling the smooth metal warm to her touch. "It's...I know what side I should be on. Even Ichigo says so." In fact, Ichigo had even told her that the only place she was safe was with the shinigami. But...safe wasnt the foremost thought in her mind. "But...it's not that simple. Right now, even though he refuses to ally with them, we're still all on the same side. Aizen is still our enemy. It's...what might happen, that worries me." She glanced up at Kaien, worry painted on her face. "What if Ichigo ends up opposing Seireitei? I...I don't know which side I would belong to, anymore. My loyalties tell me to side with the other shinigami, with the side I'm supposed to be on. But...when I needed someone most, it wasn't them who came..."

Kaien paused, in thought momentarily, sure he didn't want Rukia to switch sides, but he wasn't mad at her for thinking like that either "Hm. While what he said is true, it shouldn't be about what side you think you supposed to be on, if you feel that you should ally with him instead then...do what you think is best"

Kaien let out a sigh "Rukia...I can't decide that for you, so I'm sure you'll know soon enough"

She nodded. "I..I know that. I just wish I didn't feel so conflicted. I...I'm not supposed to be like this, I'm a member of the Kuchiki clan. Questions of loyalty shouldn't even BE questions...."

"That's not entirely true, you know, especially if you're questioning your loyalties..." Kaien said, thoughtfully.

"But it's not even...it's not that I doubt my loyalty to Seireitei. I just..." She paused, choosing her words carefully. "I don't know whether my loyalty or my......heart...is stronger." The word seemed unnatural in her mouth, as unnatural as it felt to actually admit not only to Kaien-dono but to herself, that it wasn't her mind that was conflicted. No. In her mind she could easily place all the facts on the table and select the "proper" ones with a coldly analytical manner. But...she couldn't do that with her heart. With her emotions. And whether she liked to admit it or not, those emotions were there.
Why....why NOW, why is this suddenly all becoming so much more complicated. I...am I really....in love..? With...Ichigo..?. She sighed, frowning at her feet. "How...how do you choose, Kaien-dono? When your mind doens't agree with...with your heart?"

Kaien thought about what Rukia said momentarily before turning to face her, "...Do you love him, Rukia?"

Eyes shot open for a moment and her mouth opened, then closed. For a split second, it looked as though she were going to launch into another round of denials and excuses, but instead she sighed slightly and simply nodded.

Kaien simply smiled at Rukia, "Then you should listen to what your heart says..."

She swallowed, still unsure. "Even....even if it goes against what my duties as a shinigami say I should do?"

Kaien nodded, "That's what I'd do...but it's up to you, whatever you decide."

With a slight smile, she nodded. "I...thank you, Kaien-dono..."

"Heh. Little Rukia, is all grown up now~" Kaien teased Rukia, while playfully ruffling her hair again, "You're welcome though. Just know I'll support you in whatever you decide, okay?"

"I...don't SAY things like that!" She turned bright red, sour mood evaporating as she slipped back into her normal MO of embarassed denial. "It's embarassing!" With a hmph, she looked away, frowning. "But....thank you, Kaien-dono. That...means a lot."

Kaien laughed slightly, "Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm just teasing you, Rukia."

She sighed, rolling her eyes. "I know...."

Kaien smiled, then stood up and lazily stretched his arms again, "Thanks for filling me on everything, Rukia"

Rukia nodded, standing up herself. "It's not a problem at all, Kaien-dono. Thank you...for listening to me."

Kaien nodded "Sure, no problem. You should know I'm always willing to listen to you, if you want to talk"