tampered | Log; Complete

Log; Complete

When; July 1; Saturday night
Rating; PG
Characters; Fllay (

fall_to_freedom)
Summary; After dinner, Fllay finally reveals to Kira what she’s been holding back.
Log;

It was hard to believe that they were together again.

Dinner with Fllay had been a pleasure. Initially, it had been a shock to see her standing in front of Building Six, waiting for him to pick her up...looking so normal, but still so out of place in the city. Before she had arrived, he hadn't known if he would ever see her again. Now that she was standing before him again, he didn't know how to think...or even how he should feel.

After the reunion and greetings, there hadn't been much catching up between the two of them, as that would involve allusions to the past...and painful times. That had already been reserved for after-dinner conversation, and they were both well aware of it. Instead, they had more or less just picked up where they had left off, simply enjoying each other's company. For the moment, they were free of things like the Archangel, the war, and the constant fear of sudden death -- they could finally afford to relax a little. For Kira, it had been wonderful simply to see her again.

...Still, he was fairly nervous. He had been...involved with Fllay before, but they had never had the benefit of a normal relationship. They had both been unstable at the time, and he had eventually been forced to end everything before they did things that they would both regret. There was still so much they didn't know about each other...and now Fllay was keeping secrets. There was something that she was afraid to tell him, something that he would find out tonight...and he knew it wouldn't be pleasant.

They needed a quiet, private place to talk about it all, and Kira had decided that the beach was as good as anywhere. He went there often when he needed to think, and he had been doing a lot of thinking lately -- now, the place was almost like his second home. He felt comfortable there...and as he walked with Fllay into Building Seven, he hoped that she would feel the same way. No matter what it was that Fllay had to say, he just wanted things to be all right between them...and he wanted Fllay to stop hurting.

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It was evening and the light was fading, but Kira had to admit that Fllay looked quite beautiful in her new outfit. He had become used to seeing her in uniform while they were on the Archangel, but he had been interested in her long before then, when they were still living on Heliopolis. Fllay had been the popular girl, always trendy and well-dressed, and tonight she looked the part again...though her personality was completely different than it used to be. It was almost shocking, how much the war had changed her.

Kira watched Fllay sit down in the sand, listened to what she had to say, and then took a place beside her. This was going to be a long talk, he knew, so they might as well get comfortable.

"I-- I thought I was dead, at first," he began. "A friend of Lacus's was near the battle site, at the time...he saved my life and brought me to the PLANTs. Lacus was kind enough to take me into her home while I recovered." He paused for a moment; these were bitter memories, but Fllay deserved to know what had happened after his disappearance. Everyone had truly believed that he was dead...and he had caused her to worry.

He ran his fingers through his hair -- a nervous gesture -- before he continued. "While I was in the colonies," he began again, "I did a lot of thinking. I didn't know where to go, what I should do...but then I heard about Alaska, and I knew that I needed to do something. I needed to protect everyone on the Archangel, but I also needed to oppose the war completely. Those who felt the same way, my friends and I-- we've been working towards that goal since then."

That was the short version, he chuckled to himself.

"...But then we ended up here, I'm afraid. And you, Fllay? What happened after you got transferred?"

Fllay listened, still staring at the horizon and the immense sea. She wanted to stroll barefoot through the white shore and let the spray of the waves touch her feet. It was a childish desire, she knew, but her anxiety was growing and that would relax her.

“Huh. You say Lacus healed you, ah?” she asked, her tone was neutral. She felt a pang of jealousy, recalling how well both got along during her stay in the Archangel. But she supposed it would not matter now, she did not even feel resentment towards the Coordinator girl. She so tired to feel hatred. She did not want to be like that Azrael man. “I’ll thank her when I see her. She and her… friend, Rabi invited me to have cake the other day.”

She would have preferred to go on with casual conversation, to speak of inane subjects with Kira but… she could not run from the truth anymore. She knew now. Fllay saw clearly after she died and it was both: relieving and frightening to not be blind to the cruel reality anymore.

So this is how it feels to grow up?

“You should… one day quit fighting, Kira,” commented Fllay, smiling faintly at Kira. Her hands nervously played with the warm sand. “Not just for your friends but for yourself. Think about you. I know you hate to pilot the mobile suit. Even so I… asked you to do it.” She closed her eyes, sighing deeply. She would not cry. It was too soon. Fllay waited a moment before replying his question:

“ZAFT attacked where I was transferred and I was captured by them. I… I think that was the best thing that happened, even If I was scared and lonely. I… I was able to see them, all Coordinators I mean, together as people with fears, hopes and… It wasn’t just you. Well, it changed me. Maybe was Stockholm Syndrome but I cared. When the conflict worsened, I didn’t want to see them die.”

She stopped toying with the sand and turned to face Kira. “I… I was so stupid. My pain was so intense that I couldn’t see everyone was also suffering.”

Kira listened carefully to Fllay as she talked, taking in what she had to say. He hated to hear her speak like this; she was so self-critical now, so unwilling to believe that she had ever been anything but a hindrance to him. He wished that she could understand how strong she had been for the both of them, even if they had been following the wrong path at the time. Without Fllay to share his feelings with...he might have ended up completely lost, maybe even dead.

His thoughts were interrupted as Fllay continued, however. He could hardly believe what she was telling him...she had been taken prisoner by Coordinators? There was no telling what she might have gone through...no wonder she was so upset. "You...." he started, almost reluctant to form words, to find out what could have happened. "You were captured by ZAFT? You say it helped you, but...you couldn't possibly have been treated well, Fllay!" He could only imagine what both ZAFT and OMNI did with their prisoners of war -- actually, he would rather not imagine it.

She...she had gone through that, and he had not been there to help her. "Is that where you came from, then? You arrived here while you were in ZAFT's custody?"

Fllay disliked the way Kira thought so highly of her. Couldn’t he see she had been wrong? Everybody could tell. She just wanted his forgiveness but he kept telling her that she had been an honest help to him. Could… could it be truth? Sai apparently noticed before her.

It would be easier if he hated me. And better for him. Damn you, Kira, she thought, bleakly. Kira worried so much for her. She was selfishly happy for that yet also miserable to know that feeling would hurt both.

“No!” denied Fllay passionately, narrowing her eyes. “The Commander was kind and looked after my welfare, really! He didn’t treat me as a prisoner at all. I was dead to the world but he gave me a chance and eventually set me free. He… sounded like my father…” She murmured the last bit. “I was frightened first. Scared not of them but… but to admit I was wrong.”

She took another long breath, looking away from Kira. The sea still appeared blue, despite that night had fallen already in the beach. “I was welcome aboard an Earth Alliance ship after that. I couldn’t stand the life there. I was scared for you, for the Archangel and for them, the Coordinators, I mean. I wanted… wanted this war to end. I joined that ship with hopes to communicate with you someway. I… I wanted to apologize and to tell you my real feelings.” Slowly, Fllay reached for his hand, squeezing it. “But I never had the chance to do it. To speak to you about how I felt.”

[[OOC: Ooops Triple post. Sorry]].

It was hard to believe that Fllay had endured little to no trauma while in ZAFT custody, but it was a relief. Kira silently thanked the ZAFT commander and the other soldiers that had taken care of her when she was at her most vulnerable. Kindness like that made him hopeful that the war could actually be resolved someday. He reminded himself to ask Fllay more about the soldiers -- people she clearly respected -- later on.

He was almost startled when Fllay took his hand as she continued to speak, but he thought that it was comforting. At the same time, it was hard to comprehend everything that she was saying...everything that she had gone through for him. Even though they had split up before he had gone MIA, Fllay had continued to care about him...so much so that she risked her life and reentered battle in the hopes of seeing him again. She really is a strong person, and kind, Kira thought, no matter what she might think about herself.

"Don't say never, Fllay," he reassured her, smiling softly and squeezing her hand in return. "We're both here now, and you have the chance to say anything that you want...and I promise I'll listen. It's my fault that you almost didn't get the chance in the first place, anyway. I cut you off when you were trying to speak to me...and we might have never seen each other again. I'm sorry about that."

Kira looked hopeful. Fllay’s resolved faltered a bit, words strangled in her throat. How could she tell him what happened? She would hurt him so badly. But she had to be strong this time. She must push her fears away and face the reality. Not the peaceful beach but the fact she was a causality of war.

Loosing her grip on his hand, Fllay cast her gaze down. “K…Kira. You shouldn’t blame yourself,” she commented, shaking her head lightly. “It wasn’t your fault. You were occupied with the battle. It was all because of the war. You shouldn’t blame yourself for what happened and will happen. Promise me that.”

She forced herself to meet his gaze. “I… yes… We’re here, aren’t we? But you’ll have to find your way out one day and I won’t be able to follow you anymore. Even if I want to… I can’t help you or be at your side. I’m sorry, Kira. I wasn’t strong enough.” She hoped Kira realized what she was implying. Fllay did not look forward spelling aloud she was dead.

You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened, he listened, and will happen.

...Fllay had been acting strangely ever since she had appeared in the city. Part of this, Kira knew, was due to her new beliefs concerning the war and Coordinators, but there was also something else that had been bothering her...something that she had not wanted to reveal to him. And now...what did she mean, she couldn't follow him anymore, even if she wanted to? Her words reminded her of others that he had heard recently...words from someone who was unable to leave the city permanently. Someone who was already--

A strange, yet familiar feeling started to spread in the pit of his stomach. Dread.

"P-Promise you? Fllay...?" he started weakly, his anxiety betrayed in his voice. "I-- I don't understand. What do you mean, you weren't 'strong enough'...?" That couldn't be it, he said to himself, trying to shake it off. It had to be something else. Fllay had been through a terrible ordeal in their world, yes...but she would be fine now. He would make sure of it.

Kira’s eyes and facial expressions were so easy to read for Fllay. He was like an open book, unable to hide his distress or his hesitation. He had nearly the answer, she bet on that, but he had chosen to ignore it.

Damn you, Kira, Fllay thought, resigned to be tactless and blunt. She failed with subtlety already and if she dragged this, it would only stir more anxiety in them. She hated it. It soured the lingering sweet taste from the dessert in her mouth. It made her heart weight heavy and a pulse beat in her head, louder than the ticking.

“I…”

Fllay released her hold and clasped her hands together. “War is cruel, Kira. People… are killed all the time. Soldiers specially,” she babbled, afraid to meet his gaze, hiding her tears from him. She could not retain them anymore. They flooded her eyes and trailed down her cheeks. It was dark. Fllay hoped he would not notice them. “I…” her voice was cracking in distress and pain. “I d-died, Kira. Before arriving here. I… I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. Please, don’t… don’t feel guilty.”

So it was done.

Fllay blinked. Her mind was blanked and she did not know what else to add.

All he had ever wanted to do was protect his friends.

He had wanted only that from the very beginning, but it seemed like everything he did always made things worse. He had fought at Heliopolis to protect his friends and the colony...but instead, he had helped destroy their home. He had picked up the damaged civilian escape pod in hopes of saving the people on it...but because he had brought them onboard the Archangel, they had all ended up dead. Everyone but Fllay, that is.

He thought he had at least managed to save her...but now she was saying....she was saying that--

He couldn't take this. He honestly could not take anymore.

They had just eaten dinner together, laughed together, talked together. She was sitting next to him right now, sitting in the warm sand under the stars, but she was saying this. Saying that she was dead.

If he didn't think about, he thought suddenly, he would be able to keep from breaking down. He could get through it if he just kept talking.

"............Fllay? But you said--" he continued lamely, then paused to steady himself. "Y-You said that we would see each other again." Those words came rushing back to him...one last time.

Silence reigned until Kira found his voice to ask. She felt alone during the stillness as if she could hide herself in her own, little world of pain again. But she could not return there anymore. War, the real experiences in the battlefield, had devastated that solace called madness.

When Kira spoke, he had to bring up that.

Fllay would have preferred to avoid the explanation. She cursed her poor wording in previous comments. She should have remained quiet about it. Kira would now suffer about something that had not yet happened.

She did not say anything right away, listening to the waves crashing against the shore instead. To the echoes of the sea. Fllay wanted to take her mind off this pain and stop crying. But… she owed Kira the truth.

“I… We met in the battlefield. I called your name, we saw each others then…” elaborated Fllay, torn between embracing him closely and ran away from his side. “Kira… listen to me. I’m still alive when you return home. Don’t mourn the living.” She paused, wiping her tears away. Her features relaxed into a smile. “I was happy to be released. I just wanted nothing more than tell you my feelings, to watch over you and take your tears away. To be here, in the City… confused me. I was hurting again but… I’m glad I could tell you how I feel. It’s not your fault, Kira. Blame the war and seek a way to end it for good.”

It couldn't be true. It couldn't.

He kept trying to block out what she was saying, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't tear himself away when she was sitting there with tears running down her cheeks. And what she was saying now......she was being vague, but he knew exactly what she was trying to say.

"I still don't understand...you said that--"

He had been there. He had been there when it happened -- when she died. And he had not been able to save her.

"You're saying that I was there, and I d-didn't--"

He felt like the whole world was spinning, like he was going to be sick.

"I-- I c-couldn't save you......"

All he could do was sit there and try to keep it together...but even that was a failure. He could already feel his eyes start to sting and water. He needed to be helping Fllay right now...but he had already failed at that big time, hadn't he?

He really was completely worthless when it counted.

“K…Kira?” Fllay asked; her voice was shaking. She felt so worthless to see him cry that way. Mourn for her. She did not want Kira to cry again nor to suffer less of all for her sake. “I… I’m sorry, Kira. I didn’t want to tell you. You don’t deserve to know this before it happens. I…”

She buried her face on her hands and started to sob, unable to contain the urge any longer. It was her fault. Perhaps if she had been braver, she could have died in the Dominion with Natarle, away from Kira’s sight. Or had helped her to fight Azrael and saved the lives of the crew.

But she was useless. Even in dead, all Fllay did was to cause problems and pain to those she loved.

It was unbearable to see Fllay in so much pain...pain that he was mostly responsible for. He was trying to control his feelings, but if he was honest with himself, he felt like he might break down at any moment. Still, he needed to keep it together...he needed to be there for Fllay.

He hadn't been able to help her when she had needed him most, that much was obvious...but he should at least try to do something now. He couldn't just give up, not when she so obviously needed to be cared for.

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, momentarily drying them before placing a hand on Fllay's shoulder. "Fllay...?" he asked softly, his voice barely a whisper. "Fllay, it's okay...like you said, it hasn't happened yet. Not in my time. I made a mistake, I always make mistakes...but I know that now, thanks to you. When I get back, I can change it...I can fix everything. So please...it'll be okay..."

Fllay wanted to vanish. She yearned for that warm light that spread inside her when she died. She had no fears nor pain - it was so comforting.

Was it a mistake to tell Kira the truth? It did not offer any of them comfort to know it. They could have played pretending until it was his time to leave. She could have bid farewell and promised to see him again. It wasn’t a lie. She…

It was too late. The harm was done.

Slowly, Fllay reacted to his words. Her sorrow shifted to rage. She did not tell him the truth to change her fate. She did not regret to die. It was the City what upset her, not death itself. She felt safe in death as never was in life - happy and peaceful,

“No!” Fllay shouted, gritting her teeth and recoiling from his hand. She glared at Kira, blinking away her tears. “No, Kira. You cannot change my future. I had to die. I know… I know is difficult to you to understand. But when I died, I did and I knew that my death was necessary for you and for the peace. That was… that was what made me feel less useless.” She steadied her breathing and calmed herself. “Kira, it was a war. I was a causality. You must… learn to move on. You have friends to care about who love you. That’s why I… I said we shouldn’t meet anymore. You need to be with the living and not clinging to the dead.”

He should have known better than to try and comfort her at this point. For a brief, shining moment, he had actually believed that he might be able to do something -- to return to his time and reverse everything that had happened. Make everything okay again. However, Fllay had made it clear that it was not to be. She was probably right...the mistakes he had made in the war weren't things that could simply be taken back. If so, it would be much too good to be true.

She probably didn't want him anywhere near her, anyway. She had made that clear from the beginning. She hadn't even wanted to see him tonight in the first place, but he had selfishly forced her into meeting.

He lowered the hand that had been on Fllay's shoulder slowly, trying not to take her anger personally but failing miserably. "I'm s-sorry........I just wanted..to help you," he apologized, voice shaking. "I thought, since it was my fault, that I could..." He wiped his eyes with both hands, trying to hold on to his last shred of composure. "I'm sorry that I've hurt you, Fllay. I never wanted to, I just--"

Fllay was devastated to see Kira in that shaking state. He did help her! A lot! He was a fool to think the opposite and she was an idiot to not be able to express her gratitude correctly. He had to move on but to do it, Fllay supposed they should heal. Together. It was the only thing that made sense.

It was so difficult to deal with this.

Fllay sighed and softly deposited her hands on his shoulders. “Hey… Kira, don’t say that,” she murmured, trying to soothe him. Everything she said, only put him in a worse mood. She had to fix the mess somehow. “Kira, look at me,” she said in a firm voice. She had stop trembling, feeling an alien sense of peace like when she died. “You helped me more than you could understand. You turned me into a better person, Kira. I died without regrets thanks to you. You helped me. You were my strength. I don’t want to see you in this state. But know I don’t blame you for anything. I… I just want to see you happy again.”

Fllay's words were very kind, but it was hard for Kira to accept them. What had he possibly done for her, if he could not even save her life?

He was just so tired of it all -- the war, the fighting, the killing. How many people had died by now...? Thousands upon thousands, and it always seemed as if there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He couldn't even save one person who was important to him.

Kira let Fllay's words wash over him as he tried to calm himself down. At this rate, he was going to end up a complete emotional wreck with Fllay left to comfort him...again. It shouldn't be like that. She was the one who had been hurt...he should be taking care of her.

"It's hard to be happy, Fllay," he finally choked out, "knowing that I've already failed you when I haven't even had the chance to try in the first place. I just...I just wanted to see you happy again, too..."

Fllay was at lost when dealing with Kira’s reaction. Her emotional state was nowhere as stable to aid him to recover. No matter what she said, it appeared that was useless in Kira’s opinion.

Sure, she died abruptly but Fllay found death a release, not something she must be protected against.

“I’m… I’m happy, Kira!” Fllay declared with a strained voice. Or she would be once this business ended for the better. Her heart was gripped in pain to see Kira acting so pessimistic. “Really. I… I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened to me. You didn’t kill me.”

Kira understood that he was only making Fllay more and more upset by acting so emotional. It was hard to keep his emotions in check after hearing such devastating news, but he would have to do it or they would both be upset for a long, long time. If he wanted to let it out later, he decided, he could do it in private.

He wiped his eyes with his hands and took a deep breath before he spoke again. "I'm sorry, Fllay, I didn't mean to upset you," he apologized softly, looking her in the eye. "I...understand. You say that you're happy now, so I believe you. And...I'll concentrate all of my energy on the war when I get back, but when we meet again, like you said we would...I don't know if I can stop myself from trying to save you. You understand that, right?" He hoped that she could. Even knowing that she would die regardless of his actions, Kira simply couldn't let her go without a fight. He had been allowed to fight for Fllay in her future, after all.

"Until then...I--" he added slowly, "I'd just like to spend time with you while we still can." He hoped that at least that much was okay. He knew he could never give Fllay's life back to her, but he could at least take care of her while they were both trapped in the city.

Finally Kira appeared to listen to her plea, that relieved Fllay greatly. It was selfish, she knew he was suffering, but that made her feel more in peace at herself. She put on a smile when facing Kira. The mourning and hysterics could wait until she was alone.

“O-of course,” Fllay said, finding the strength to speak up once more. She nodded her head, touched by his concern. Kira was a great person, better than she was. He did everything with genuine love. “Kira, you’ll try to save me. So that’s… that’s fine.” He almost did, but Fllay better kept that in secret. “Just keep in mind that… that I don’t blame you at all.”

Her eyes widened to Kira’s request to keep in touch. She stared at him. Blankly first, unable to process that. Had she listened correctly? He… wanted to be with her? That was impossible! Then, she felt giddy, her smile brightened. “I… Kira… are you sure? I… I want to see you but…” Fllay cast her gaze down, troubled by her doubts. “I think it’ll only make things worse for you.” Kira could grow more attached and that would only lead to more grief.

Kira was glad to see Fllay smile again, even if he knew she was still in pain. He supposed it couldn't be helped...and he knew the truth would continue to hurt him as well. Fllay might have been truly content to die, but he would likely be depressed by the matter for a long while. But if she could come to peace with it, then maybe he could too, if he just dealt with the situation. Learned to accept the truth.

As he continued to listen, he saw Fllay's face grow troubled as she voiced her doubts...and he realized what she was saying. So that was why she hadn't wanted to meet with him. She had been concerned for his welfare -- for him -- from the very beginning.

Kira couldn't help but smile genuninely at Fllay's kindness. "That's why you didn't want to see me in the first place, isn't it?" he asked gently, but he already knew the answer to that question. He needed to reassure Fllay that what she was thinking simply wasn't the case. "I wasn't happy with the way I left things between us back home, and I'm...I'm not happy with the way things turned out, but maybe we could look at all of this as a chance to make up for the time we lost together...? You're...a very important person to me, Fllay. If you said you never wanted to see me again...that's what would hurt me the most." Kira could only hope that she truly believed his words.

She could not hold it anymore. Fllay was reaching her limit in the emotional barrier that had cracked the day her father died. Everything had been easier back then, when her world and feelings were really small, now everything grew. It frightened Fllay but she was happy for that fear.

Sobbing, she threw herself onto Kira, embracing him tightly, enjoying how it felt to be close to him. Fllay knew how important he was now; there was no more denial or hatred to sour her heart.

“Stupid. Did you really think I don’t want to be beside you?” she asked with a shaking voice. Her hands clutched the collar of his outfit. “Of course I want to see you, Kira!” She released him, wiping away the tears from her reddened eyes and wet cheeks. She felt a lot better after the conversation. Her sense of dread almost vanished.

Fllay rose and, after sweeping the sand off her dress, she offered a hand down to Kira.

“Do you want take a walk through the shore, Kira? We don’t need to talk anymore,” Fllay commented. She needed some silence and peace at his side to balance the anxiety she had endured. She was certain Kira would agree with that too.

[[OOC: After your next answer, shall we say its complete?]].

Kira was shocked when Fllay suddenly broke down and latched onto him. For a moment, he was terrified that he had said something wrong, but he was instantly relieved when Fllay finally found her voice. He smiled at her words -- if she still had enough energy left in her to yell at him, he knew she would be fine eventually.

He put his arms around her, trying to reassure her as she continued to cry. It made him feel good, that he could be there for her this time, instead of the other way around. He just wished it could have happened under better circumstances.

He held Fllay until she stopped crying, then let go as she moved to stand up. She offered her hand and a walk on the beach, and he agreed with her. They'd had enough bad news for one night. It still didn't feel real to him...the fact that she was no longer alive. He suspected that he'd wake up one morning, maybe tomorrow, and the truth would hit him...hard. Until then, though, he simply wanted to enjoy the moment.

Maybe that was why they had both been brought to this city in the first place.

"That would be nice, Fllay," Kira answered, smiling, as he reached up to take her hand. "I'd like that."

No talk for now. Just the beach, some peace and quiet...and each other.

[OOC: Doubled, so sorry XD;;; And yeah, I think that'll do it...thanks~! I'll go change the label to "Complete" ♥]

[[OOC: Yay! At least it ended in semi un-emo note. The angst was killing me. Teenagers, really]].

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