tampered | [log] [ongoing]

Kamui was having second thoughts about this. What if he asked too much? What if his questions hurt Jowy? He didn't... well, yes, he wanted to know everything, but hurting Jowy...

Why did things always have to be this complicated for him?

"Jowy?" he asked softly as he let himself into the other's apartment, acting more shy than he had in a while with the other, toting a sizable bag of snacks he'd made with him. If anything, at least... Jowy would have something to binge on if he got too upset?

"Kamui..." Jowy said at first with gentle smile before noticing the bag Kamui carried. "I'll help you with that... you didn't have to."

It was a bit awkward, Jowy knew, but he tried his best to act normal.

Kamui was silent the entire time they took the food into the kitchen, spreading things out on the counter. Cookies, pieces of cake, some onigiri... he'd really made enough for a few people. Perhaps he got carried away when cooking while nervous?

"U-um!" he tried to start after everything was set in place, turning to the other awkwardly before becoming quiet again. Where should he even start asking? Did he know enough to ask anything at all? "I... I want to know... how..." Eyes averted, he started to fidget. What to ask? Should he start out with something minor and light? No, he would start with the thing that bothered him most...

"Jowy, would you... really kill me so easily?"

Jowy froze slightly but he managed to regain composure quickly. He stared ahead, purposely avoiding Kamui's eyes. It looks like Riou had said so much more. It hurt, a bit, but he accepted it.

"I wouldn't kill you without a reason, Kamui," he said quietly when he finally did turn to meet that purple gaze. "I don't think you'd be easy either," he added in an attempt to lighten the mood, though perhaps, he thought after the words had left his mouth, perhaps it was done in bad taste.

At least that was more than he expected; more than Fuuma gave him. Fuuma... seemed so intent on killing him without much reason at all. Only fate. He at least hoped that Jowy would need more than that. "At least... you wouldn't without a reason." A nod and a slight, but meloncoly, smile.

That expression soon changed to confusion, however, blinking a few times at Jowy... "easy?"... before he realized he was trying to joke. "No, I wouldn't be. I'd puppy-dog-eye you into submission first?" Not that it'd ever worked on anyone before, and not that it ever would, but... "And then I would kick you in the crotch and make a run for it." A jokingly sure nod.

"Why... why did Riou say that, anyway? That you would kill anyone, even those you love?" He had to have done it in the past, Kamui figured.

Puppy-dog-eye into submission? Jowy didn't think he was that gullible but he played along with it. "That might stop me," he said to that with a slight laugh.

And then the conversation became awkward again with Kamui's question. He tried to choose his words carefully and when he finally spoke, he hoped he didn't sound sympathetic to himself. "We were on opposing sides of a war. There were certain things I had done that were... underhanded."

Kamui had to admit he was interested, maybe morbidly so, but... had to know more. He had to. "Underhanded? Like what?"

Kamui simply had to ask. Jowy gave himself a few moments before finally replying. "I invited Riou to a peace conference," he began. "It was a trap. I had archers ready to snipe them down at any moment."

Inviting someone over, offering peace, but intending to kill them instead? Something like that... was used far too often in movies. Enough so that it didn't seem as weird as it should. "Well, it obviously didn't work, since Riou-san is still..."

And then he quickly shut his mouth, eyes wide and apologetic. He needed to work on not saying everything he thought half the time. Really.

It really didn't, Jowy thought, because of his weakness. He still smiled and pretended not to be too bothered by Kamui's comment. Really, though, why should it now?

"You're right - it doesn't matter though. In the end, Riou's army won the war."

"Then... that's okay, right? That's good..." Or at least it seemed to be? Not that he knew, really... he knew nothing of this war, and that was something he wasn't going to ask too much about. Kamui really wasn't much for war stories: he had far too much of that to deal with on his own. "Is that the only reason why he doesn't seem to want to be around you? That, you killing someone you were hiding with, and the runes?"

For some reason, it... disturbed him how easily he could say all this; how he could pass off killing someone as almost nothing. But... he didn't know that person, and while he was sure that the person's death (as well as the deaths of anyone else Jowy killed) was mourned, he didn't care, really. He'd seen so much death himself, been responsible (albeit mostly indirectly) for much of it... perhaps he had become almost desensitized? At least to those he didn't know.

Jowy looked at Kamui; the other boy didn't seem too bothered. Perhaps, that was good. He could imagine how all this was just flying past Kamui's head. Understood, but not understood.

"Many things, not just the runes. We've both made our choices and followed our own paths to the point that, I guess... we can't be like we were before." And though Jowy himself held some hope their friendship could be restored, he knew, by what he'd seen, there was no way... no way things could be as they were.

"Who says?" Kamui suddenly snapped, his emotions finally kicking in. How could someone... just let themselves give up on a friendship like that? How could Jowy not fight to get Riou back? They were best friends...

Or maybe Kamui was letting his own will get too much into this? He still held hope that maybe he and Fuuma could be close again, even after everything. Even if that closeness only came to be in the moment of his death. To be killed by Fuuma; for some reason, that idea seemed very intimate, and...

He shook his head, banning those thoughts from it. What the hell was wrong with him, anyway? Focus on Jowy, focus on Jowy... "I'm sure if you both try hard enough, you can be friends again..."

"It's alright. I've accepted it, Kamui, we both have." Jowy sighed then found himself thinking back to the time, when he was at the Tenzan pass, before arriving in the city. "We'd have to find a way to get around this rune first-" he muttered out loud, lifting his right hand to glance at the dark mark on it. "And even then--" Another sigh.

"Before I came here, I was content to die in his hands. It was the best possible conclusion, for both of us-- but I didn't have much of a choice then. I was dying. But now..." He shook his head. "I'm rambling, I'm sorry about that."

Sad, pained... those were the feelings Kamui easily (but not neccesarily willingly) showed when Jowy mentioned having been willing to be killed by Riou. It... had gotten that way for him, too. If Fuuma really wanted to kill him, he wasn't so sure he would stop him. Not if it would please his twinstar; not if it would possibly ensure his survival.

"It's okay," he shook his head, then looked to Jowy to continue, "But what do you mean 'but now...'?"

The expression on Kamui's face confused Jowy slightly. Was that empathy? They had talked about this before - and he remembered, Kamui was in the same situation. Somewhat.

He tried to remember.

Kamui did, didn't he?

"I'm not dying... yet. Not anymore. I can't just choose death without looking for another way... even if it's for the best and it would be faster." He paused and then added lightly, "You don't die here after all."

Kamui was visibly pleased with that answer. So Jowy wasn't so intent on dying right now... that... was definitely a good thing. The older boy would at least look for another way.

"Oh, believe me, I know you don't die here." A scoff, "When I died, I thought everything would be over, but then I just woke up back here. With the person who killed me. It wasn't..." Fair? Not that... it was the most horrible of things, even though being stuck in the apartment of a horny Fuuma had definitely been tiring. "Well, at least I got better. I was revived and all." That was enough of THAT weird topic. Why the hell did he have to go off on that little rant anyway?

Jowy stared at Kamui for a while, blinking, and then broke into a small smile. "You're funny, Kamui."

Kamui was going to say something possibly snide to that, he really was, but.. well, "Eh, I've been called way worse." A shrug.

But they had gotten off the topic at hand, now hadn't they? "Anything else you would like to confess to me? Because what you've admitted to so far isn't terribly horrible." Even though, to a normal person, it would have been.

"Well..." Jowy trailed away. Perhaps Kamui deserved to know. "Do you remember Jillia? When Riou and I were kids here, we talked about marrying her a lot, didn't we? It was the same before... only-" He paused unintentionally, wondering what Kamui would say. "I married her. It wasn't really because I loved her either... I needed her to become King."

Wait, wait... Jowy was... married? For real? But he couldn't be that much older than Kamui was himself, and...

"You... you're... m-married?" the younger boy took a big step back, away from Jowy, looking rather bewildered. The other half of what Jowy had said apparently didn't matter to him or went over his head entirely. Even Kamui wasn't sure as to which was the case. All he knew is that he'd... become attached to Jowy, and the fact that Jowy was married made that rather... wrong. It figured, though.

It looked like Kamui was more troubled by that revalation than any other. Perhaps he was right to reveal that now instead of later. He didn't know how to explain his relationship with Jillia... Was he supposed to tell Kamui he did not exactly, or could not feel anything more than a strong fondness towards his wife? Why would he need to do that?

"I know... but we were both too young to even have a significant part in the war and Riou and I both... held very important positions." He sighed and then finally began the real explaining. "I suppose it was purely for political reasons. It... Nothing could have possibly come out of it anyway. She grew to like me, I think--" Jillia had wanted to stay with him at L'Renouille but he sent her and Pilika away to Harmonia. "--but I think I'd just continue to take advantage of her. We, her brother and I, killed her father during my pledging into the Blight family."

It was... sad. A political marriage, one that Jowy entered in just to become king? And that poor girl, losing her father and being used, but still... Kamui wasn't mad at Jowy for any of it. Perhaps he was just being far too loyal, or maybe it was because this didn't directly involve him. He wasn't there, after all; he didn't know all the circumstances surrounding these events.

"Did you love her at all?" he whispered, not really meaning for it to have slipped through his lips. He was curious, though, and it seemed as though she had loved him, but not exactly the other way around, and...

Kamui's question surprised Jowy. "I had a childhood crush on her? I think both Riou and I did - we'd take turns carrying each other so the other can take a peek of her in their villa at Kyaro--" His tone had become wistful even without realizing it. "I loved her, a bit, but I don't know... I guess, I was guilty for killing her father and for forcing her into marriage..."

He trailed away was realization hit him. "Riou must think I killed her too."

"Did you?" he found himself asking, finding the possibility entirely, well, possible. It would fit with what Riou had been saying. Of course, it wasn't as if it would matter, really. Not to Kamui, who was still attached to Fuuma: the killer of millions, including his own sister, who Kamui had adored so much.

"I did... in a sense. Don't tell Riou--" Jowy sighed and shook his head slightly with a slight smile at himself. "I don't think... I don't want him to find from someone else. All this time, I guess, he knows I'm capable of doing this and-- What kind of man makes a show of sacrificing his wife to a monster for victory? I thought about what everyone would think before I did it and it wouldn't be right... to tell." Pause. Another sigh.

"She's alive, I can promise you that. I didn't kill her."

He sacrificed her to a monster, but she was alive? That didn't make sense. "But how... you said you... but..." He blinked a few times, visibly confused. "You killed her in a sense, but you also didn't kill her... what?" If Kamui was anything, it was easily confused. Gullible, too, but that was another matter entirely.

"I killed Jillia Blight... to end the Blight line," Jowy explained. "It wasn't her that I killed it was just a doll but I needed to show that so she could live away from from Highland in peace, and the Blight line could end... so no one could use the royalty as a reason for another uprising. I knew then, it was highly possibly, Highland would fall in the last battle..."

So Jowy... only destroyed a doll? To protect the girl so she could be happy, and to prevent things from getting worse? "You're very kind..." Kamui smiled softly at Jowy, admiring him a little. Those things were... brave. And smart.

If only he could end his war that way...

Jowy shook his head. "After all that I did, it isn't really but... thank you." There was a beat of silence. Jowy noticed that slight sadness in Kamui's face, as if he was remembering something, and on instinct pulled the younger boy into a hug.

"It'll get better," he whispered quietly.

For a moment, Kamui tensed, surprised to be pulled into a sudden hug. It... it was nice, though, and he eventually relaxed into in, burrowing his face into the other's shoulder. Warm. "Will it?" He really doubted it.

Jowy nodded and squeezed Kamui's shoulder slightly. "It will."

No, it wouldn't be alright. Did Jowy even know what he was so upset about? Ever since Fuuma had showed up again, albeit briefly, he couldn't push their fates away as he had before. He couldn't stop thinking about it. Things... wouldn't be okay. "I don't... You're going to have to be optimistic for me, Jowy." Kamui certainly wasn't a little bundle of happy optimism, especially not now.

Funny how moments ago, Kamui was more than freaked out by the married thing, but here he was, enjoying being held. Ugh. He was so horrible, he thought.

"I don't think I could be optimistic enough for both people but-" Jowy hugged even tighter and closed his eyes. "All I can do is this."

"This works," he mumbled against the other's shoulder, eyes closed and relaxed to the point of almost being sleepy. Why did Jowy always make him so comfortable? It was like a natural reaction, just like it had been... with Fuuma... before the change. It made sense too, since Jowy was a lot like Fuuma, in ways, and...

Briefly, that curse day where Jowy had changed entered his mind, but he tried to push it away. No, no... Jowy wasn't going to change on him again, right? He wasn't going to end up like Fuuma. R-right? He found himself clinging to Jowy now, almost as if he was scared of him leaving suddenly.

Jowy had felt the slight change in Kamui but remained silent and continued hugging the younger boy. He really didn't know what to do but offer comfort like this. What could Kamui possibly be thinking-?

No, it wasn't his place.

It was Kamui who pulled away first, albeit reluctantly. He just... didn't want to make Jowy uncomfortable (and hugging and clinging to him forever might just do that?) "I... I'm sorry," he said softly, looking away nervously. How did this somehow end up turning to him and his own emotions again? What about Jowy? What about what Jowy felt? "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay--" Jowy shook his head and held Kamui's hand in his. "It's alright. I mean- it was just a hug and... if it makes you feel better - it does right? - then... it's okay."

Kamui shook his head. "But what about you?" He glanced to the hand holding his own, almost as if comtemplating it. "You always comfort me, but I... I can never do anything for you."

"I suppose I like being able to help, at least-- for me knowing that I can make other people... like you... feel better, I mean, not everyone obviously, but the people that matter to me - when I know I can protect them and make things better for them... It makes me glad." He smiled. "That's enough for me."

And now Kamui was blushing. Hard. His eyes wide as he whispered, "the people.. that matter to you..?" Well, he knew that Jowy mattered to HIM, but he'd never thought that he really was... important to Jowy...

At least not all that much. He really thought Jowy saw him the same as he saw everyone else. Someone to be friendly with, but...

"You matter to me, of course-" Jowy made sure to use the right words. He wasn't sure what he felt for Kamui, really, and though it was strong, and he liked Kamui, he'd rather not encourage ideas that might not be... what he really felt. "I don't know how much, or how really, but I don't think I'd be telling you all this if you didn't matter. At least, you're... a close friend?"

"Mn." Kamui nodded, happy with that. So Kamui mattered to him, was close to him, even though he wasn't sure in what way. That made the younger boy feel good, but at the same time, it scared him. It was obvious. "But... everyone I've been this close to, they..." Abandoned him? Changed on him? Hurt him?

"They...?" Furrowing his eyebrows, Jowy gave Kamui a slightly confused and curious look.

Once again, the smaller boy looked away, his voice small, "They... hurt me. Always. Like, Fuuma... we were so close, but in the end, he broke me in every way imaginable. Physical and emotional. Killed the girl I was close to at the time, too. His sister..." A fidget, eyes closing, "And then Subaru... I loved him, in one way or another, but he abandoned me for the side that wants me dead." Ugh, and his trust issues were so coming out again, but what could be expected when he was constantly being left behind? "No one close to me stays. Ever." It was obvious he somehow expected to get the same from Jowy.

Jowy took that all in silently. Kamui feared he would become like that and hurt him?

Deep down, Jowy knew, he would never do that, but he had to keep in mind that there were elements he had no control of. "I can't promise I'll never hurt you, Kamui-but if I do, know that right now, at this moment, my heart says I would never do it and if I do, it would hurt... very much. That's what I know now. I can't promise anything, I can't do anything about curses or if anything not within my power comes and... but--" He looked deep into Kamui's purple eyes and smiled. "That's what I know now."

And there was that blush again, as well as that innocently shocked look. "I..." A few moments of blinking, and Kamui actually smiled. "You're not very good at getting out feelings, are you?" Jowy HAD been practically non-sensically babbling, after all.

For a moment after that, Kamui looked as if he was thinking something over, finally accepting the other's words with a small nod. "But I guess... in this world, it makes sense that you can't promise such things, but... at least I know you don't want to harm me." Of course, it never dawned on him that maybe Fuuma was the same way; that maybe his twinstar hurt him because of things beyond his control. Maybe that realization would come later, but... for now...

"Thank you." A small, innocent, sweet kiss was placed on Jowy's cheek.

Jowy blushed slightly too and he looked away. "I guess I'm not very good at expressing my feelings-" And it was true, he never had much reason to tell anyone his feelings, and he generally just did that with his mother, and Riou to some extent. Everyone else in his family cared little for him. "I hope you don't mind though-"

And he could only smile when Kamui kissed him on his cheek. It felt good to make someone else feel better.

"No, I don't mind at all." Seeing that he made Jowy smile somehow made Kamui feel a little giddy; that and all that he'd gotten out of him. He knew so much more of his past, and he knew so much more of where he stood with him... it was... nice.

And most of all, most importantly, he felt wanted... and not in the sick, twisted way that Seishirou wanted him.

"Mmn... well, now that that's all out of the way..." A soft smile, "Let's eat cookies?"

[log] [ongoing]

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