tampered | Ongoing logness?

Current Mood: anxious

Ongoing logness?

When; April 23rd
Rating; PG-13 for a kiss, angst, and one-sided twincesty feelings.
Characters; Kamui (

gemini_running)
Summary; The vampire twins have a much-needed talk.
Log;

He couldn't move quite yet; at least, not beyond shifting in bed uncomfortably, trying to hide under the blankets and curl into a ball. As if being humiliated, tortured wasn't enough... now he had to deal with all these people seriously upset with him. He felt very... alone.

Kamui was planning to fix that, though: as soon as he would be able to walk, he was thinking of trying to move in with the other Kamui and his strange, but seemingly happy little "family." Even though... there was a good change he would just end up getting jealous. How come the other Kamui got to find happiness with the person of his choosing? Was Kamui-kun supposed to stand by alone, waiting for the same thing to happen to him? Waiting on blind faith that someday it would come; just like he had those three long, lonely years waiting for Subaru.

Subaru... he shuttered, curling up a little more. His brother... he hated him now, didn't he? Kamui could feel the rift between them, the distance. He didn't like it at all, but... what could he do? This was all his fault. All he could possibly do now was wait to get better so that he could leave.

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Subaru didn't know why Kamui was behaving as he was, but his own actions that night had drained him and as he stared at the door, extra bandages in his hands, he wasn't sure if he wanted to deal with it just yet.

After such a terrible thing, Kamui still acted like he had a reason for such violence. And he still pushed Subaru away. He didn't know how to make Kamui understand where he was coming from.

Sighing, Subaru knew he could do nothing until they talked about this. Pushing open the door, he walked closer to look down at his anguished twin.

As immature as it was, Kamui continued to hide under his blankets, rolling over so his back would be to his twin (not that he could see him: blankets, sheets, and all). Yes, he knew Subaru was in here now -he could feel him- but he couldn't... he had nothing to say. At least not anything that wouldn't aggravate, the situation further. He already felt as if his heart was breaking; he wasn't sure he could handle things getting worse.

Maybe, though... maybe this was the way things were supposed to happen. The twins were supposed to be torn apart, one way or another, Seishirou being a main cause. Maybe instead of outright killing Kamui, like that other Seishirou had done to Hokuto, he was meant to cause them to separate in other ways? Even though that would still kill Kamui; destroying his soul instead of his physical body.

And, damn it, he was NOT going to cry over this. No, no, NO. Even though a small shake and whimper somehow made it through the layers of bed cloth. One thing he absolutely hated... was being weak in front of another.

Sighing softly, Subaru moved closer and sat down on the bed. He wasn't sure how to start this, but his stubborn brother was not likely to help out.

Such a stubborn boy Kamui was. Smiling slightly at the memories of their past arguments, he placed a hand gently on the blankets, praying his patience last.

"Kamui.. I have the bandages."

"I don't need them," he insisted, voice rather muffled, "I'll heal on my own soon enough." And nevermind that he would heal FASTER, were his wounds tended to properly. "It's fine. I'm fine."

Only... not really, since he wasn't sleeping well, either; the events of that night haunting him whenever he tried. Being taunted, injured, and tortured wasn't exactly something one's psyche could brush off easily.

"No, you aren't.." Subaru sighed, scootting closer. He had never felt so separated from his brother, clueless as how to reach him.

"Talk to me, Kamui.."

"What I say won't matter," he whispered, trying to scoot away, but quickly realizing that there wasn't enough room to, lest he fall out of the bed. "What I did was stupid, I know, but... even if I tell you why, what's wrong with me... it won't change anything." Or so he was quickly learning. No matter what he did, he couldn't eliminate the threat of that man. He was... useless.

"Why do you think it won't matter?" Subaru coaxed him slowly, knowing there would be no way else to reach his twin. Slowly and gently he would have to bring the trouble out of him, keep his temper, hold back his own problems until he knew Kamui wouldn't bolt back into his hole.

He would bring it out of it, as long as it took it. "It was stupid, but you know that, so I don't need to say it..."

Well, he didn't have to agree with him, but... whatever?

"Tch," another shift; it seemed as though he couldn't get comfortable with his injuries and all. "But you know why I did it? Why I provoked that man? Because I'm... upset. I wanted something else to distract me, and while I didn't expect..." Kamui so didn't want to think about all that man had done to him; how he'd made him scream. "It's because things are not right. You and I... things are not right between us, and they can't be fixed."

Those words hurt him, struck him deep into his core. The lack of faith his brother had in him, the breakdown on communication, the pain in Kamui's voice... It was almost hard to breath.

But he had to keep his own feelings in check--Kamui wasn't ready for him to break. "Why can't it be fixed? What's wrong?

What was wrong? Oh, maybe everything. "That man... even though he's not the one you want, you're still drawn to him, and it still reminds me that..." He paused, taking a deep breath, body visibly shaking under the covers. "You're going to leave. You're going to leave me. No matter what, you'll always choose him over me."

Again, he shook, voice cracking. He was... crying. And loathing himself for it; for being weak, especially in front of his twin. "I've always existed for you and you alone, Subaru. If I am not needed, if I'm replaced... I'll have no reason to exist anymore." Not that he would kill himself, but... break down inside.

"What?" Subaru tried to keep the reproach, the shame, even the sorrow, from his voice, but it was building up in him, stealing his words.

"Kamui.. why are you so certain of this? Why don't you have faith in me?"

"Because he matters most to you. Not me." He was becoming more distant, even though there was a hint of jealousy in his voice. "I saw the way you lit up when Fuuma first mentioned him. I know you want him to catch you." Not to mention Subaru could resist reaching out to the Seishirou here, even though he knew Kamui didn't want him to. "I'm not that stupid, Subaru."

"Yes, you are." Subaru said sharply, torn between guilt and horror. Would he do such things? Did Kamui know him better than he knew himself?

But at the same time, this was his brother. Kamui. He would do anything for him. He knew that to be true. "You are if you think your own twin, your own brother, would ever betray you. Kamui.. Kamui, look at me."

"You will! You don't care what that man does to you... you still go to him, no matter what. He's the one you want with you."

As per requested, he finally emerged from the bedsheets, looking to Subaru once he controlled his tears. No crying when his twin could SEE him, especially. "The other Kamui... I'll be in the same situation as him. His Subaru left him because of Seishirou, too." The look in his eyes was hurt, but also angry; not specifically at his twin, but the situation in general. At least he didn't accidently blurt out that he also felt for his brother the same as the other Kamui had felt for the older Subaru: love. But always one-sided in it's kind.

Subaru stared down at his brother, unsurprised by the tears whelling up in his own eyes. How could Kamui think him such a monster? True, he longed for Seishirou every waking moment, but that did not change his actions. Feeling a sharp pang of anger, he frowned.

"And yet where am I? Have I gone to him? Have I gone to him once while I have been here, except to take my vengence for him hurting you? When have I left you for him? When? I am here Kamui, and despite all the pain you cause me, I am not leaving. Do not deny that."

Fine. Fine. He'd show him what the real problem here was? Why he was upset so over Subaru's draw to that man, whether Subaru acted on it or not.

He'd show him, and so he did: suddenly jolting forward and kissing Subaru in an un-brotherly manner before pulling back just as quickly, burrowing back under his blanket. "Physical actions or not, the emotional loss hurts just as bad, Subaru."

Shock rooted him to his seat and only after Kamui had returned to the blankets did Subaru comprehend what had happened. He still didn't quite understand and he raised his hand to his lips, eyes wide with surprise.

"What... what do you mean, Kamui?"

"What I said," he said simply at first, trying not to crack again. As good as that kiss had felt for him, he just knew it was going to mess things up entirely. Still, he'd... well, it had been something he had to do. To show Subaru things words might not get across. "Things have changed from when we were younger, when it was just you and me, and we belonged to each other. Now... your heart and soul always belong to him. Even if you're with me, I know you're thinking of and longing for him. You're... not mine anymore. You're gone."

Something flittered across his mind and Subaru blinked as he realized what this was. What that kiss was. This was more than just general concern, general sadness towards Subaru's involvement with Seishirou.

"Kamui.." he whispered, not trusting himself with the words. Could he say what needed to be said--could he ask what he didn't dare to ask? "Just who do you long for then, Kamui?"

There was more than one option presented to him here. He could simply ignore the question and go to sleep, or he could bite the bullet and answer honestly. Lying never even came to mind, even though he knew things would never be the same now. No turning back. "You. You're the only person I love, want, and need. You and you alone. Even though I know by most societies standards, it's wrong to feel as I do, but... like I care."

And he prepared himself to be slapped, knowing the pain was coming, even if it wasn't going to be physical.

He had not expected this. Never dreamed of it. It had been just the two of them since before, but Kamui had been his best friend and closes companion long before Subaru learned what longing felt like. He had blinded by that man so that he could not even see the change taking place inside his brother's heart. How could he respond to this? He could barely grasp the thought, let alone articulate his feelings.

He simply stared down at his brother, feeling an overwhelming sense of sorrow. Now more than ever, no matter what he did, Kamui would be in pain. All he did was bring his most important person pain. "I'm sorry.." he whispered, knowing the worlds held so little abilty to sooth the rift between them.

"I know," he said quietly, a hint of heartbreak in his voice. "But maybe you shouldn't be. I'm the one who's fucked up." It wasn't as if it was Subaru's fault that his own twin had fallen in love with him, after all. Not something he could have controlled.

"Don't say that," Subaru said softly, not knowing how to make his twin feel better when he himself did not understand his own feelings. He did not know what he could do. "Please don't say that, Kamui."

"Why? It's true enough." He shifted, and then was visible again, not looking at Subaru as he started to remove himself from the bed. "I'm tired. I'll go sleep in Kamui-chan's bed so you can keep this one." Like Kamui-chan was coming back, anyway, and it was certainly better than the couch.

It wouldn't be comfortable, though: the twins... never slept apart. Not when both of them were available to each other. This was new, even though it seemed like a good time to start sleeping apart, considering the situation.

"I.. You don't..." Subaru didn't know how to go on. To be apart from Kamui.. it was unthinkable, and yet.. He knew the pain of being near the one you cared about, if you could not reach that person. That Kamui was feeling the same pain... it caught his breath deep in his chest and guilt crashed hard over him.

"I'm sorry.." he said again, unable to say anything else.

Kamui made a humming sound as he shook his head, quickly exiting the room. It... hurt to leave Subaru like this, tore him deep in his heart, but it was for the best. At least for a little while, as Kamui tried to get himself back under control. He couldn't be weak in front of Subaru anymore, he just couldn't; not when he'd always been the 'strong' one between them.

Strong. That was a joke at the moment, really. Especially when he'd confessed more to Subaru than he should have, knowing it would hurt them both. Oh yeah, he'd be crying into his pillow tonight. At least those tears would be hidden away from the one who, in a way, caused them.

[ooc; do you want to end it here?]

[ooc; Mmn... one more final reply from Subaru~?]

And just like that he was gone. Subaru watched the door close, holding back tears that whelled up in his eyes. How had he caused such pain? Where had he gone wrong? What could he do?

Drawing up his knees, Subaru curled up on the bed, still warm from his brother. He would figure out how to make this right--there had to be something he could do. He would make up for all the pain he had caused, some how.

"Kamui... what can I do?" he whispered to himself, letting the tears fall.

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Ongoing logness?

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