tampered | Log: Ongoing

Ahah, no, she didn't want to use the salt! She preferred honey in her tea, set in her ways, but she was hardly here for herself, and the vice captain carefully freed the sugar bowl from its place, setting it next to the mugs and spoons she'd managed to find. Moving to get milk - again, not something she normally took, but, well, it's not like it would hurt - she smiled gently at the questioning of her earlier words.

Checking the kettle - a few more minutes yet - she turned back to the boy, hand moving to adjust her badge on instinct. "I... Know more than I should about illusions and not knowing what to believe. And I know that if there is one thing that will help you above all else, it's what you feel." Hinamori failed to mention that was how she'd known she hadn't killed Aizen during a fight some time ago but... That wasn't important! Aizen this and Aizen that, honestly, Hitsugaya was right about her. She did think about her ex-captain a lot. But it wasn't why she'd come, wasn't why she'd left Hitsugaya to deal with Rukia and Goku with the briefest of explanations and a kick into shunpyo.

She was here to make sure Autor was alright. "I think Hitsugaya-kun would agree. That the only person you can ever really trust in is yourself, because that's the only person you'll ever fully understand. That's not to say you can't trust other people, but that when it comes to it, you are the only person who can tell yourself what you want to believe about a situation." Ah, there was a sense of irony to the situation, the betrayed vice captain all too aware of it as she turned her attention back to the kettle. "You can ask others for their opinions, but you're the one who will have to make the decision in the end."

Autor frowned a little. He didn't like to think about it, but recent events had shaken his trust in his own choices. The vision today didn't help--if it was true, then that meant that he had devoted the last several years of his life to his mother's murderer. His mother's murderer. The very idea made him sick to his stomach. Fakir and Rue had tried to tell him about Drosselmeyer, but there was always a part of him that argued against it--even when he heard what Drosselmeyer had done to his friends, even when he saw him covered in blood on a curse day, even when he saw the horrible things that the Raven--Drosselmeyer's own character--had said to Rue.

I'm a fool.

At the same time...Hanamori-san (No, she's Momo now, he corrected silently) had never given him bad advice or shown him any ill will. He shouldn't just dismiss her advice.

Autor pushed his glasses up his nose and studied the handle of a drawer next to him. How could he explain it...?
"I'm not entirely sure how I feel," he admitted, both to the shinigami and himself. "It seems like there's a big difference between what I do feel, and what I should feel."

She almost winced at how familiar that was. And what had she gone and done? Attacked her friends- Oh, but that was thinking about Aizen again, and she busied herself with rescuing the kettle, letting the soft sounds of porcelain and metal spoons fill the room for a moment.

"The heart is a complex thing... Metaphorically and physically. It makes us fall in love and trust and hurt. Things like the past can't be changed, which is why it's important to make what you can of the present, the future." Hinamori allowed slow and steady steps to take her to his side, pressing the warm cup into his hands with a similar smile. "When I say be patient, I mean it. Decisions should never be rushed, no matter how simple you think they are. And with something like this, it's even more important to think carefully."

She didn't remember a thing about her family - Hitsugaya and Granny had been all she'd needed in Rukongai, her living life quickly having become a blur. But she knew her feelings about her semi-family, and she remembered some things... "I know I don't know your whole situation, and it's up to you what you want me to hear about, but my advice won't change. Just take your time." Hinamori kept the smile up, remembering all the times she'd helped recruits one-on-one - oh, sure, some of the things had been so petty, some of them downright embarrassing for the young vice to deal with, but she liked being the person they turned to, asked for advice. She liked being able to help, and she mused over it as she moved for her own cup. No, her advice would stay the same. Granted, it was easier to say be patient when you'd live for a couple of hundred years... But the shinigami didn't let that small addendum slip.

Decisions should never be rushed...

Autor forced himself to stop arguing all of her points in his head for a moment and really think about it.
Maybe Momo was right. It seemed like all he'd been doing lately was rushing from one bad decision to the next. With the situation with Rue, he had just written the first story that came to mind. Obviously, that hadn't turned out so well.
He had been so quick to just jump to whatever solution he thought of since he came here...it was how he dealt with the stress, possibly. I really do need to slow down and think more calmly...

Autor breathed in the rising steam from his tea cup, letting it soothe his aching chest. The tea was exactly what he needed. He murmured 'thank you' to Momo and took a small sip of the tea. As he did, he half-jokingly wished to himself that he had taken a moment to not rush the decision to trash his room. He wasn't looking forward to cleaning it up later.

He took a larger sip of his tea and glanced up at Momo. Even if the decision had to be his own, he wouldn't mind hearing some of her advice. "...I could explain the situation to you, if you'd like."

She had to admit, it was easy to slip into the role of caring vice captain. Probably because it was just like taking care of Hitsugaya, albeit with some slightly more mature arguments. Whatever the reason, it didn't really matter, as long as Hinamori managed to do some good with the situation. So, if he was offering, her only response could be, "Whatever you feel comfortable sharing is fine with me."

Biscuits always went well with tea, didn't they? She'd seen some somewhere in her rummagings, and set about hunting them down, as well as a plate to put them on. All her movements were deliberate and careful, not too slow and not too fast. Not just because of her cold, a minor irritation she was keeping at bay with the combined effort of kidou and self willing, but because the last thing she wanted to do was come off like Yachiru. She was never very good at things like this, after all. "I'll listen to whatever you say."

Autor paused for a moment, taking a long, slow sip from his cup. He was going to talk about this calmly. He would not let his emotions get the better of him.
"The vision the fountain gave me..." he started, then paused again. He didn't quite feel okay about describing it in full detail. Not yet. So...how to explain it?

He glanced over at Momo. She was looking through all of the cupboards, a frown of concentration on her face. He watched her for a few seconds to take another sip of tea before speaking.
"What are you looking for?"

Hinamori took a moment to look at Autor, noting his expression and hand placement, fully aware of the hesitation in his voice. Not completely comfortable yet. She laughed nervously, holding the biscuits out to show him before setting to opening the package and putting them on the previously rescued plate. "I figured it wouldn't be tea if we didn't have snacks!"

Moving for the kitchen table with her own mug and the now loaded plate the vice captain smiled softly, claiming a seat with a small sigh. It was nice to be off her feet for a moment. "Would you like to sit too? Ah- Heh, it's silly of me to offer, since you live here..." Aware she was bordering on babbling Hinamori settled on tasting her own tea to distract herself from talking too much, grasping the cup in both hands. "...It's fine if you want to talk about something else."

"Oh! Good idea." Autor allowed a small smile to appear on his face as he walked over to the table and sat down. "Don't worry, it's not silly."
He picked up a biscuit and took a bite out of it. Perfect...crunchy and not too sweet, just how he liked it. He drank some of his tea to wash it down, then looked up at Momo. "It's not that I don't want to talk about it...I just don't know where to begin."

Of course, Autor hadn't been thinking about how dry the biscuit was, either. This time he made the mistake of inhaling slightly as he took another bite, sending him into a coughing fit. He ducked his head and covered his mouth, trying to force himself to stop coughing. After a moment, he managed to slow the coughing down enough that he was able to wash down what was left of the biscuit with some more tea.

"S-sorry," Autor muttered sheepishly.

She watched with concern, prepared to move to help him if needed. But it seemed as if he had it under control, and she allowed herself to relax a little, leaning back into the seat. Hinamori was so rarely this informal, it was a nice change. "I told you to be careful," she murmured, dropping her gaze as she took a sip of her own.

Of course, making sure he didn't overdo anything while sick was only half of the reason she was here. "The start is normally a good place. You said you saw your mother?" Resting her cup back on the table, she watched the drink slowly settle before she added, "Maybe you can tell me what she was like?"

"I know! I am being careful!" Autor said with a frown. "That just...caught me off guard. That's all."
He reached for another biscuit, this time dipping it into his tea. It's not something he would do normally--he found the idea rather improper. Actually, a few days ago he had scolded Pique for doing that very thing...
But, well, it would prevent him from coughing again. (He wasn't about to admit that he actually sort of liked doing it.)

At the first mention of his mother he avoided Momo's glance--pausing instead to glare at the crumbs that were now floating in his tea. His expression slowly softened, however, when he was asked to describe his mother. "...I could do that."
He took another sip of his tea and then held his cup, running his thumb along the edge of it. "She had hair the same color as mine. But her eyes were...I think they were green. It's a little fuzzy, it's been so long..."

He smiled whistfully. "She loved music...I can remember that. It seemed like she was always humming or whistling or singing...
"And she was a brilliant piano player...a virtuoso, I'd say. She could play Franz Liszt's hardest pieces and make them look...effortless. Although, I think all I ever wanted her to play was Mary Had A Little Lamb," he added with a soft laugh.

Hinamori smiled in turn, watching his expression as he described her. Having so long ago forgotten the tiny part of her life that had been spent with real family, spent decades helping explain how hard it was to find actual relatives within the confines of Rukongai, it was nice to be with someone who did know the intricacies of family life.

"Is that why you learned how to play piano?" From what she already knew, Hinamori guessed he had been closer to his mother than his father, though she wasn't about to jump to any conclusions. As long as Autor was calm and relaxed and as happy as she could manage.

Snagging a biscuit for herself she waited patiently for the younger boy in front of her to continue.

"It's probably part of it, but not the main reason," he said with a shake of his head. He stared into his cup, tilting it slightly in his hands as if he could see something in the tea. "At least...I don't think I could ever play piano as well as she could. I just joined the music division because I loved music. It was maybe a silly decision on my part."

He sighed, putting down the teacup and leaning back in his chair. His father hadn't been very happy at all when he had announced his decision to go into the music division. He never seemed to be particularly pleased when Autor played piano, actually...although Autor supposed he could understand why. Because...

"I'm a writer, after all."

((OOC: sorry it took me so long. ^^; I couldn't wrap my mind around going from Momma'sBoy!Autor to MorallyCorrupt!Autor.))

"You can be both." Ah, she remembered long arguments about why she wanted to be a shinigami, how it wasn't really as if she was abandoning Hitsugaya and Granny, and how none of that had mattered in the end. Hitsugaya had grumpily followed her, after all. ...And then surpassed her, but that wasn't really the point.

Hinamori glanced at her half finished cup, smiling softly. "As long as you enjoyed what you did, I think that's the important thing. When people like what they do, it really shows through in their work."

Both...?

Odd. Autor had never thought of it before. It had always been one or the other--when he joined the Academy he was at the top of the class, constantly impressed his teachers, and practiced hard day after day to become the best musician he could be. And after his father died he had thrown himself into his research. He built a replica of Drosselmeyer's study, he drew out the family tree, he spent hours upon hours in the library. And while he did that he abandoned music--he hardly ever practiced. He could still remember the tone of concern in his teacher's voice when he informed Autor that if he didn't do something to repair his grades and start to practice again, he would be kicked to the probitionary class.

One or the other. Never both.

The idea was simple...why not both?

"...I do actually enjoy music," Autor admitted. "I grew up with it. I think I would love to teach it someday." A pause, then the reappearance of the smile. "Maybe I could even write about it."

Teach music? Write about it? That was something Autor had never even considered before...

Odd.

Hinamori echoed the smile, snagging another biscuit quickly. "Well, in the meantime, you've got me to teach, right?" She nibbled away, assessing what she now knew. While the reasons for his earlier distress were still beyond her comprehension, the young shinigami hoped that this was in some way helping.

She really wasn't much good with the living, but she was trying. Suppressing a sniffle - quite unbecoming for a vice captain, sick or no! - Hinamori took a sip of her tea before adding, "I'm sure you'll be good at whatever you decide to do."

"Yes, that's right. You're maybe the first student of many, then!" He adjusted his glasses with a mock-serious look. "I can expect you to work hard, can't I? You're the first in a legacy, you know. One of these days you can brag about it."

He smiled again to show he was joking--partially, anyway--then took a long sip of his tea, followed by a deep breath.
"...I'm ready to talk about it now."

"I'll talk about it as proudly as I wear my badge," she asserted, fiddling with the small sign of her office once more. A nervous habit, or just a habit, it was hard to tell why she did it and harder to break it. But touching the wooden disk and white cloth had always reassured her of the familiar, things she knew and could trust. As few and far between as those things were nowadays, even the reason she held the badge was tainted.

But Hinamori didn't really let that bother her. The office was her own, the rank of vice captain attained by her own skill. People could say what they wanted.

She still had her friends. "I'm listening." Some part of her strove to make sure that Autor had that same reassurance, that no matter what he could have someone who believed in him.

Autor nodded and took a moment to gather his thoughts. It surprised him at how easily he was ready to talk about it. It probably was in part the tea--drinking tea always calmed him down.
But the main reason was probably Momo. Autor had never really been one to talk about things, not because he didn't want to, but because there was never exactly anyone to talk to. His father was a quiet person, and after he died Autor didn't really had anyone left. No family, no friends...just books.

It was a change to have people around to support him now, but not an unpleasent one. It made his arrival in the City worthwhile, even with the curses and the dieties taken into account.

And so, he began. "When I looked into the fountain, I saw my mother. She...walked over to a bridge in my town and climbed onto the railing...and leaned forward. Her hat blew off in the wind. It was her favorite, I still remember it. It had a yellow ribbon tied around it...yellow was her favorite color."

No, wait, that was getting off track. The hat didn't matter much. "After that, I saw Drosselmeyer writing a story. ...And he cut the strings to a puppet with blue violet-hair, just like my mother. It...fell a large distance.
And then the last thing I saw was my father finding her hat in the river. My mother wasn't anywhere to be found."

He hesitated. "I think...it made it look like Drosselmeyer wrote a story about my mother jumping and..." He couldn't quite get out the words 'killing herself.' 'Suicide' wouldn't work, either.
"My mother jumping from the bridge and dying," was what he decided on. He had at least come to terms that she was dead. At least...if the Fountain was telling the truth.

Death. Death she knew and could handle. The fountain, on the other hand, was something she avoided. With a passion. Seeing yourself stabbed isn't exactly the best way to start or end your day, after all. She knew the fountain was capable of the truth, and at the same time Hinamori knew it lied.

The odd thing was, she'd only ever heard of the fountain showing people what they remembered, anyway. Direct experience seemed to be the key to it and so... Well, it was odd. She'd already covered the topic of believing what you want to with Autor, and there wasn't all too much point in reasserting those words. Instead, the small shinigami slipped out of her chair and moved to his side, pulling him into a hug. If even Hitsugaya could admit to it helping when he felt, well not sad, he'd never admit to being sad, but something like that at least, then hopefully it would have the same affect here.

Ruffling his hair gently to reassure him, Hinamori wondered if they had the same concept of death in their world. But regardless of that - "I think, even if he did write a story like that... It's not anyone elses fault but his. And it hurts to lose someone you care about. But people, life, it's something that will end regardless. Even mine, eventually, will come to an end. No one is immortal. But that's part of what makes life, living, so precious. You never know how long you'll have with anyone." She smiled softly, sighed quietly.

"I think your mother would want you to remember all the good times you had with each other. If she's dead, or just missing... Dwelling on the hurt will only hurt you more. But thinking about the good times, the little things you cherish, that's important."

Momo was right, and Autor knew she was. He knew that it wouldn't do any good to dwell on it, and he knew his mother would probably have given him the same advice. She was usually fairly optimistic and cheerful.

He couldn't quite bring himself to do it yet, though. In a few days, probably, but...the shock, anger, and fear were still there.

...Still, he shouldn't let that take control of him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, doing his best to put those emotions aside. He smiled a little half-heartedly, awkwardly returning her hug. "The good times? Hmm...like playing the piano with her...and picnics. Catching pollywogs in the river."

He smiled a little warmer. "That does make me feel a little better, actually."

"Good! I'm glad." She released the younger boy, hands moving to once again tug at her badge. "It just takes patience," she added with a smile, moving to return to her seat.

"You should probably get some rest soon, too. You shouldn't be running about so much while sick, curse based or not." Okay, so she wasn't that good at following her own advice, but no one had to know.

Hitsugaya could tell her off later, after all. For now, making sure her friends were okay - especially Autor - was enough.

Ugh...that's right. I'd almost forgot about this plague...

Autor nodded, drinking the last bit of tea in his cup. "I'll probably try taking a nap soon. I don't...particularly care about guarding the door anymore," he admitted. He still couldn't bring himself to agree to using Drosselmeyer as a sacrifice--he was angry and part of him really wanted to, but he just couldn't agree that it was right...

"You should rest soon as well, Momo. I'd imagine you've been really busy today, with everyone being sick the way they are."

"I can keep an eye on it for you, after I check up on everyone else here. Or even just temporarily seal it with kidou, maybe." While it was odd little fact that shinigami could get sick, Hinamori was used to doing paperwork with a lot worse than a simple cold, so it didn't really bother her. Instead, she finished her tea with another smile, then moved to clean everything up.

Rinsing out the cups the dark haired girl shrugged. "I'll let Hitsugaya-kun take care of things when I get back, it's fine until then." She really was getting used to the whatever-they-were relationship they had, willing to give in to the captain's overprotective nature a little more than normal. Though she didn't exactly trust his ability to tend to the sick, the mere thought making her laugh a little.

"Just so long as everything's taken care of here."

"Don't bother wasting your energy on something like that," Autor said as he helped to clean up. "Rue promised me she wouldn't do anything today...I'll just have to trust her. Knowing her," he added with a bit of a laugh, "she'd probably just get mad if she found out the door was sealed."

Autor put his fist over his mouth to stiffle another cough. The tea had actually helped, but...he was still feeling sick. At least this seems to be a relatively weak version of pneumonia... he thought to himself as he adjusted his glasses.

"I think we'll be okay. Rue's feeling pretty well, so she's taking care of us."

"It's not a waste, but I'll leave it if you think that's best." Finishing up and leaving the now clean dishes to dry, Hinamori turned back to the boy. She frowned slightly at his coughing, but let it slide, hoping he'd tell her if it good too much to manage.

But still, she was worried a little. "I think we should get you into bed now, at any rate."

Autor frowned. "It's not that I don't want you to be here, I just didn't want you to feel like you had to stay."

He sighed, combing his fingers through his hair. "I suppose some rest would be good," he admitted, as much as he hated to. His trip to the fountain maybe had been a bad idea...he was certainly starting to feel like he had used up most of his energy.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be in the first place, Autor. Don't worry about it, I'm a shinigami. We help people when we can, as we can." At least, that was what Hinamori said it was about, over and over. Flaws in the system, Rukongai's outer district, traitors... Her world had gotten complicated. But she didn't need to think about that right now.

"To bed with you, anyway!" A quick thought change was all she needed, settling back into the Yachiru-dubbed big sister mindset. "Don't worry about what I do. And if you need anything else, just let me know. Even if I have gone back, okay? I don't mind keeping an eye on you if Rue gets overwhelmed."

Log: Ongoing

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