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tampered2007-05-01 01:41 am
agustusoctavius.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-05-01 01:41 am
Log; Complete.
When; April 28th, Night [Fire and Hail Plague]
Rating; PG for some language.
Characters; Octavius,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
agustusoctavius ; Jedediah, say_yeehaw ; & Faye, glock30
Summary; Two drunk assholes fight the storm to see what the city's favorite fag-hag, Faye Valentine is up to, and end up sacking her. No, not like that. Major crack ahead.
Log;
It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, get drunk, forget about the falling fire and ice and whatever the fuck, and just laugh and have a good time. Little did Jed know how much he was going to regret this in the morning. But it was not the morning yet and therefore he did not regret anything so far. In fact, he was feeling rather cheerful as he tipped back his head, throwing back another gulp of whiskey that burned all the way down.
He lifted the bottle away from his mouth with a popping sound, and he lifted a hand, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “Whoooooo-ee! That thar’s sum good stuff!” he stated with exuberance, grinning.
Octavius wasn’t at all concerned with regretting this in the morning. Since arriving in the city there were many things he should have regret doing, and he did, but got over most of them. He was used to it, no regrets here on out. So getting completely wasted with his best buddy didn’t seem like it would be too bad an idea.
Octavius relaxed a bit in his seat, taking another swig of the vodka he had aquired earlier that week. “You know,” he said to the cowboy with a bit of slurred speech, “We should do something...” he continued, raising the bottle to take another drink and realizing it was empty, frowning.
Somewhere in the general vicinity of actually keeping to herself, Faye was smoking down in the lobby so that she wouldn't have to share. It was dark and quiet except for the hail and fire show going on outside. Faye didn't know what the hell that was about, and she didn't really care as long as she was left more or less to herself. No surprises or anything like that and she figured that she'd be just fine. Oh yeah, totally and completely fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. A quiet day in the life of Faye Valentine.
Oh, poor Faye Valentine. She obviously had no idea what she was getting into.
“Do sumthin’?” Jed asked, trying to sit up straight and failing miserably as he fell back into the couch. “Like wut? It’s rainininin--in' outsaid. Ain’t nice rain neither.” His brain was obviously as mushy as the Roman’s next to him.
The Roman's eyes traveled around the room, finding nothing of interest. He thought for a second, then took a deep breath to speak, "Let's see what Faye's doing..." he said, he did, after all, enjoy bothering her very much.
The cowboy raised an eyebrow in return at Octavius. “N’ how’r we gunna do that?” he asked. “We gots ter..ter...go n’...fuck—we gots ter get on th’ whatsimagidget. N’ I cain’t type raight now. Ain’t hap’nin—“
Octavius dropped his empty vodka bottle to the floor. "The what....?" he asked, before shaking his head. "So let's go to her...." he suggested, speech still slurred.
“Wut?” Jed asked, a dumbfounded look appearing on his face.
"It's only simple.." a very drunk Roman replied, "We can't type coherententaly, so we will have to either go to her or bring her to us." he managed to form another sentence, though he also managed to invent an entire new word for coherent.
Jed’s mouth twisted slightly in confusion. “R’ yew sayin’ we should kid-kid—steal her ‘r sumthin?” he asked.
Octavius laughed in between drunken gasps for air. That had not been what he was thinking, but in his current state, it sounded like the best idea he'd ever heard. "Should we?" he asked his partner.
After a moment of what appeared to be concentrated thinking (but was really just his brain trying to come up with a coherent answer), he replied with a shrug, “shoire.”
____________________________________________________________________
Faye suddenly had a bad feeling. Didn't know or have any clue as to what it was, but she had one. The best course of action probably would have been heading back upstairs, but she wanted her cigarettes to herself so that was out of the question.
Besides, it wasn't like anything could happen to her with the weather acting the way it was. The feeling must've just been nicotine withdrawal, which she could get rid of quickly.
Just then, out of the asscrack of God-knows-what demension, two strange figures burst through the doors of the apartment complex. Both shirtless, covered in some sort of war paint that smelled like chocolate. The one wearing nothing but a skirt and a rediculous helmet, held a very large Spartan shield over their heads (courtesy of King Leo.). The other, a potato sack.
Poor Faye. The mun pities her. The character, one very drunk Jedediah, however, was not feeling sorry for anyone.
In fact, he was feeling rather brilliant. Especially while wearing nothing but jeans and chocolate mousse and carrying a potato sack.
Oh yes. He was made of win. Especially considering they were using the potato sack to capture one Unsuspecting Victim (aka- Faye Valentine), who was spotted currently lounging in the lobby with a cigarette.
Faye'd been surprised many times in her life-many, many awful, unfortunate, painstakingly annoying times. This took the cake.
She saw lots of war paint, something about a big helmet and shield, and then, she should've known anyway, the skirt
Her first thought was that they were going to hit her over the head with the shield. The second was a question of what the sack was for. Then, third and last: doing a mental tally of all the hairy-legged people she knew who ran around in skirts and coming up with the answer.
Stubbing out her cigarette on the armchair, she started saying, "Now what the hell do you two want?" but never actually got the chance to finish, as she'd never been full-body tackled by chocolate(?)-covered morons.
With a war whoop, Jed pulled the potato sack over Faye’s head. “Got ‘er!” he reported, even though Octavius WAS standing right next to him.
Octavius reached over to the wall, where he taped a note he had been holding.
"If you ever want to see Faye again, arrive at the fountain on the 30th with 4 boxes of sugar wafers, 2 bottles grey poupon, a construction hat, 3 quality cigars, a micheal buble cd, and a doberman pincher."
He then turned to Jed, "RETREAT, MEN!" he shouted, even though Jed was obviously the only one there he could have been talking to.
It all happened very fast. At least that was the excuse that Faye gave herself. Happened fast and she didn't have her gun and how did they even GET over here when it was hailing fire? And were they actually thinking about taking her out there
The bag she found herself in seemed to suggest it, but she had no idea why. Vaguely, she wondered if they were high, decided it didn't matter, and started thrashing around like a cat, trying to get out of the sack so she could either run and run fast or kill them for trying this with her bare hands.
“Yeeeeeeeeehaw!” Jed’s rally cry was his only response to Octavius’s call for retreat as he slung the squirming Faye over his shoulder and ducked under the shield so that he and the Roman could retreat back out into the fiery hail to get back to their apartment.
The Roman raised his shield high enough that the three of them (a bagged Faye Valentine included) could fit underneath, safe from the fire and hail the city skies were spitting at them. Moving in sync with Jedediah, he pushed the door open with his free hand and moved on out.
Faye knew they were outside the minute she heard the lobby door clang shut behind her. Something heavy and metal smacked her in the head and clanged loudly over the sound of this particular plague, and that was more or less the last straw for her.
"Put me the fuck down!" she yelled, trying to land a kick on anything she could reach. This probably wasn't the best course of action, considering that she was in a cloth sack and it was raining fire, but all that really mattered was getting out and getting back at them.
“No can do, crackerjack!” Jed reported cheerily, though his words were slurred, probably giving away very quickly that he was not quite in his right mind.
Octavius chuckled to himself and may have possibly mumbled something, but who could tell? The mixture of alcohol with his accent made him pretty incoherent. He tred on, marching proudly as if he had just achieved the greatest victory known to man.
The rhythm of their steps was making her neck bounce back and forth in a way that she seriously didn't like.
"And where the hell are you guys taking me?" she asked through the sack, trying to find her way out somehow. "I'm not playing Dress Up with you Octavius, if this is what this is all about."
“We ain’t gonna tell yew!” Jed stated, in response to her question. “S’a sekrit!”
"PREPOSTEROUS." the Roman shouted, at Faye's remark. They were reaching the home stretch now. Trying not to trip and fall over himself, he continued toward the apartment building they called home.
She could hear doors opening and closing and knew they were going up stairs by the way she was being jostled around.
"You could be a LITTLE more careful, you know," she yelled, punching whoever was carrying her in the back as well as she could while restrained by an itchy sack. "Where are we? What are you doing? Is this a surprise party or something?" Faye fired off one after the other.
“Ow!” Jed yelped, as he was punched by one angry cowgirl. “Hey, watchit!” He sniffled a bit. “Now that wuz jest downraight mean!”
Octavius pushed the door open to the secret lair that was their apartment. The shield had been lowered by now and he was having a hard time figuring how he fit it through the door in the first place. Like a toddler trying to solve a puzzle. After finally managing to get inside he looked back to Jed. "What now?"
"How about you put me down so I can shoot you?" Faye interrupted, smacking who she figured now was Jed again, just for good measure. "I swear when I get out of this thing the two of you are dead."
“Hn…that wouldn’t be too nice.” Jed stated thoughtfully, though he did wince as Faye smacked him again. “Ow! Would yew quit it! I don’ have Smith n’ Weston to help meh do th’ talkin’ so’s I gots ter do it all on mah onsees. N’b’sides, we wuz just seein’ wutchew were up to.”
Octavius had since then found an unopened bottle of alcohol and decided it needed to be put to use. Faye's death threats didn't startle him at all. He shrugged them off and took a gulp from the bottle.
"Seeing what I was up to?!" Faye yelled, definitely not realizing what she looked like wriggling around inside a bag.
She was trying to get at Jed's head but it wasn't working. "You wanted to see what I was up to so you stuffed me in a sack and hauled me all over the goddamn City?" She rolled her eyes. "Ugh, children. At least let me out. I hear you drinking over there!"
Jed let out a sound of irritation as Faye smacked at him again, missing his head by mere inches. “Yeah, pretty much.” he said,
in response to her question, before he lowered her to ground. “N’ yew c’n stop hittin’ me now!”
Octavius thought the entire situation the funniest thing he'd ever seen. His cackling could drive any sober man nuts.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" he shouted to Faye's remarks, continuing to drink himself into even more of a stupor.
"Bastard," she mumbled to Octavius, rummaging around and looking for the opening to this thing. And I'll stop hitting you when you let me the hell out of here." There didn't seem to be an opening, so she immediately returned to the direction she thought Jed was in, crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Even if they couldn't see it, she liked to think the affect wasn't spoiled.
Unfortuntely for Faye, the affect was quite spoiled when she suddenly turned her back on him and seemed to glare at the wall. The cowboy let out a noise of irritation. “Why should I, iffin yer gunna act like a chil’ ‘bout it?” he asked, his tone like a sulky five year old.
Octavius rolled his eyes, "If you let her out, it's possible that she will try to scratch our eyes out, but if you leave her in she'll bitch and complain; either way we lose." he said, then looked down to the bottle he was holding. It was like some drunken epiphany. He didn't really want to share, but considering it might save an eye or two, he screwed the lid back on and rolled it toward the potato sack. "Cheers," he muttered.
"I'm not being a child about it," she said, turning her nose up. "You're the ones who put a bag over my head because you were bored!" A bottle clunked against her leg and she scowled in the direction that it seemed to come from. "What, hoping it'll soak through and the fumes'll help me out? If you want a drinking partner, then you'll have to let me out." It wasn't really a great bargain, but it would do.
Jed scowled, but finally conceded, grabbing the hem of the bag and tugging it up over Faye’s head, though none-too-gently. “Thar. Ya happy now?” he asked, with a petulant, childish scowl.
Octavius flinched a second, dillusional, waiting for a rabid creature to hop out of the bag and rip his throat out. He would have said a prayer if he knew how, but instead found another bottle and fumbled to get it open.
All in all, Faye could have and should have probably gotten up and actually commenced with ripping his throat out as soon as Jed-who was behind her, great-had pulled the bag over her head. The alcohol was enough to sway her. "You guys suck at kidnapping," she said, unscrewing the cap and throwing it deliberately at Octavius.
Jed shrugged as he retrieved another bottle, this one half opened on the table. “Well, s’not like we dun it b’fer.” he stated, flopping down on the couch and tipping the bottle back, not quite sure what was in it; only knowing that it was alcohol.
Octavius blinked, being hit in the face by a bottle cap. "What isat supposed to mean?" his speech was becoming more slurred.
Faye took a swig, wiping her mouth. "It means just what you think it means. And not doing it before's no excuse. Point blank, you shouldn't have grabbed me, and that's all there is to it," she said, taking another drink. "If you wanted me to come drink with you all you had to do was say please," she smirked.
Jed sniggered. “But it wuz funnier this way.” he stated, a boyish grin falling onto his features. “B’sides, the note we left’ll be funneh ter find in th’ mornin’.”
Octavius tipped his head forward a bit in some sort of drunken bow. He felt like a genius. Besides, any time he had
asked for company in the past he was shot-down and called names. This coming to mind, he made a mental note that Faye is a terrible liar.
She narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean 'the note we left?'" She snorted. "What'd you do, put a ransom on my head?"
This time, Jed giggled. “Maybe~~~h!” he stated, in a sing-songy tone.
Octavius was pretty sure that he and Jed were brilliant. Telling Faye would ruin the fun, especially because she would surely have something smart to say back to that. At least she wasn't kicking anymore.
Shooting them both the same look-a look that clearly said they were fucking out of their minds-Faye took another sharp swallow, squinting at the bottle. "I hope you guys at least asked for something good," she said. "I don't come cheap, you know. I'm one of a kind."
Jed waved a hand lazily in the air at that. "Course we did. We ain't stupid." he stated, though all actions that night spoke to the contrary. In the morning, he would think his actions were stupid. Now, however, they were brilliant.
"Don't worry, we asked for EXACTLY what you are worth..." Octavius spoke proudly, pouring more booze down his throat.
"Money? Gold? Booze?" she listed, ticking items off on her fingers. She gave Octavius another look and then rolled her eyes over to Jed. "It's not like this is a real kidnapping. Last time I checked, the girl didn't sit and have drinks with would-be-snatchers."
Jed shrugged. “Jest cause it ain’t a “real” kidnapping don’ mean that we didn’ leave a real ransom list. Raight, Octi?”
Octavius nodded in response, "A brilliant list, it was." he spoke, he was very proud of it. Frowning however, at the unsuccessful kidnapping, he waved Jed over to him.
Faye narrowed her eyes as Octavius waved Jed over. "What're you planning?" she asked, not really expecting to get an answer at all, but when you dealt with Octavius you had to be careful.
Jed had no idea what the Roman was planning either, but he pushed himself onto wobbly legs none-the-less and sauntered over to Octavius, one blond eyebrow raised in question.
"What do we do now?" he whispered to the cowboy as if it where some top-secret mission, "I mean, what do people do to hostages?" His eyes peered back towards Faye, who, of course, knew they were talking about her.
She saw them eyeing her and looked over her shoulder and out the window, wondering if it was worth the risk of damaging another sweater to jump out and make a run for it. She had other things she'd much rather be doing-literally-so the thought of making a dash for the window wasn't out of the question. The real question was whether or not they were drunk enough no to catch her.
Jed lifted a hand, idily scratching the back of his head. “How in th’ hell should I know?” he asked. “I ain’t never captured no one befers. Well, cept yew. N we put yew in th’ stockade.” At the remembrance of that time, Jed giggled.
Octavius would have slapped Jed, but that would have looked faggy. Well...more faggy. "Well, we don't have a stockade here..." he said, also lifting a hand, only bringing it to his chin in a thoughtful position. "...but we do have a closet."
Hail and fire was better than this any day. Faye was good at running, too. And the window wasn't far away. She figured if she just set the bottle down nice and easy and backed away slowly, they might not notice. They weren't exactly pros at this for one. And two, well… they were drunk and Faye wasn't. Time to put that Famous Disappearing Act into effect.
Jed blinked, and shrugged. "That'll work." he agreed, before he turned and waved Faye. "Oi! Faye! C'mere a sec!"
Octavius pretended to be uninterested in Faye's attention, even in his drunken state, he knew that Faye would catch on if he even gave the slightest clue.
"I'm alright going over here, thanks," Faye was saying to Jed, even while she watched Octavius. She spared a look at their windows and said conversationally, "You guys have a great view here. Let's open some windows."
Jed gave the woman a look like she was crazy. “Yew nuts? S’rainin’ fire n’ ice ‘round here!” he stated, snatching the previously opened bottle off the table and drunkenly moving over towards her, though it looked fairly casual.
Octavius stood, stretching, trying his best to look casual as well.
Faye wasn't stupid. She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned, still backing up. "You creeps better not be getting ideas," she said.
Jed gave Faye a naturally easy smile. "Faye darlin', wut makes yew think we're plannin' anythang?"
Octavius adjusted his belt, but stood in place. He'd move when appropriate. "What kind of ideas?" the drunk Roman spit out.
Glaring, Faye said, "The kind of ideas that involve you two, me, and me not being able to leave. In general, bad ones. And what DOESN'T make me think you guys don't have ideas? You brought me here, didn't you?"
Jed's face fell into a hurt pout. "We jest brought yew here cause we wanted yer stunnin' company!" he protested.
"Pft, stunning." Octavius repeated sarcastically, but no one would know due to his slurred speech. With that, he took a few steps closer.
And Faye took a few steps backward, not really knowing where she was headed. "Alright," she said, "play time's over. Things to do, people to see. You know how it is."
Jed's face took on a long-worked-on, well-perfected puppy dog look, all big blue eyes and pouting lips. "But Faye...yew jest got here!" he protested, moving towards her even as she moved away.
Octavius wondered whether or not Faye knew if she was headed directly for the closet or not. He kept walking.
"Yeah, well, I have a tendency to overstay my welcome, apparently," she said. "I wouldn't wanna impose or anything, since I'm sure you both have busy days planned."
Jed snorted as he moved closer still. "Busy? In this place? Yeah, riaght." He took another swig of the bottle he was drinking from, moving towards Faye with a bit of a longer stride now, backing her furthur towards the closet
There was a look of drunken intent in the Roman's eye. Soon they would have their prize. A few steps closer, a few more, a little bit more, now...
Faye scowled, something she was very good at, and took a step forward, hands on her hips now. "Outta my way, idiots," she started, meaning to push through them. "I'm leaving."
Jed sighed, and stepped up next to Octavius, successfully creating a wall between Faye and the door. "Now Miz Faye, that's just dang impolite." he stated, in a scolding tone.
Octavius did nothing put reach an arm out, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder. "I'm afraid not." he said, and gently pushed her backward into the open closet.
Looking around, the door still open, Faye did a mental calculation of the size of where she was standing, the area of floor space, and just whether or not she'd be able to lie down. She didn't like any of it.
"You can't be serious," she deadpanned, making to step back out into the main room.
Jed only grinned, kicking the door shut. "Fraid so!" he reported, flicking the lock ont he closet
"Good night, my dear." Octavius responded, watching as Jed sealed the deal.
Faye stood in the dark for a moment before she tried the knob, twisting and turning it. "Very funny guys," she called through the door when she couldn't get it open. "Let me out and I won't have to hurt you."
"No can do, crackerjack! Gotta do this thing nice n' proper!" Jed giggled, happy to use the same line over again twice in one night
Rating; PG for some language.
Characters; Octavius,
agustusoctavius ; Jedediah, say_yeehaw ; & Faye, glock30 Summary; Two drunk assholes fight the storm to see what the city's favorite fag-hag, Faye Valentine is up to, and end up sacking her. No, not like that. Major crack ahead.
Log;
It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, get drunk, forget about the falling fire and ice and whatever the fuck, and just laugh and have a good time. Little did Jed know how much he was going to regret this in the morning. But it was not the morning yet and therefore he did not regret anything so far. In fact, he was feeling rather cheerful as he tipped back his head, throwing back another gulp of whiskey that burned all the way down.
He lifted the bottle away from his mouth with a popping sound, and he lifted a hand, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “Whoooooo-ee! That thar’s sum good stuff!” he stated with exuberance, grinning.
Octavius wasn’t at all concerned with regretting this in the morning. Since arriving in the city there were many things he should have regret doing, and he did, but got over most of them. He was used to it, no regrets here on out. So getting completely wasted with his best buddy didn’t seem like it would be too bad an idea.
Octavius relaxed a bit in his seat, taking another swig of the vodka he had aquired earlier that week. “You know,” he said to the cowboy with a bit of slurred speech, “We should do something...” he continued, raising the bottle to take another drink and realizing it was empty, frowning.
Somewhere in the general vicinity of actually keeping to herself, Faye was smoking down in the lobby so that she wouldn't have to share. It was dark and quiet except for the hail and fire show going on outside. Faye didn't know what the hell that was about, and she didn't really care as long as she was left more or less to herself. No surprises or anything like that and she figured that she'd be just fine. Oh yeah, totally and completely fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. A quiet day in the life of Faye Valentine.
Oh, poor Faye Valentine. She obviously had no idea what she was getting into.
“Do sumthin’?” Jed asked, trying to sit up straight and failing miserably as he fell back into the couch. “Like wut? It’s rainininin--in' outsaid. Ain’t nice rain neither.” His brain was obviously as mushy as the Roman’s next to him.
The Roman's eyes traveled around the room, finding nothing of interest. He thought for a second, then took a deep breath to speak, "Let's see what Faye's doing..." he said, he did, after all, enjoy bothering her very much.
The cowboy raised an eyebrow in return at Octavius. “N’ how’r we gunna do that?” he asked. “We gots ter..ter...go n’...fuck—we gots ter get on th’ whatsimagidget. N’ I cain’t type raight now. Ain’t hap’nin—“
Octavius dropped his empty vodka bottle to the floor. "The what....?" he asked, before shaking his head. "So let's go to her...." he suggested, speech still slurred.
“Wut?” Jed asked, a dumbfounded look appearing on his face.
"It's only simple.." a very drunk Roman replied, "We can't type coherententaly, so we will have to either go to her or bring her to us." he managed to form another sentence, though he also managed to invent an entire new word for coherent.
Jed’s mouth twisted slightly in confusion. “R’ yew sayin’ we should kid-kid—steal her ‘r sumthin?” he asked.
Octavius laughed in between drunken gasps for air. That had not been what he was thinking, but in his current state, it sounded like the best idea he'd ever heard. "Should we?" he asked his partner.
After a moment of what appeared to be concentrated thinking (but was really just his brain trying to come up with a coherent answer), he replied with a shrug, “shoire.”
____________________________________________________________________
Faye suddenly had a bad feeling. Didn't know or have any clue as to what it was, but she had one. The best course of action probably would have been heading back upstairs, but she wanted her cigarettes to herself so that was out of the question.
Besides, it wasn't like anything could happen to her with the weather acting the way it was. The feeling must've just been nicotine withdrawal, which she could get rid of quickly.
Just then, out of the asscrack of God-knows-what demension, two strange figures burst through the doors of the apartment complex. Both shirtless, covered in some sort of war paint that smelled like chocolate. The one wearing nothing but a skirt and a rediculous helmet, held a very large Spartan shield over their heads (courtesy of King Leo.). The other, a potato sack.
Poor Faye. The mun pities her. The character, one very drunk Jedediah, however, was not feeling sorry for anyone.
In fact, he was feeling rather brilliant. Especially while wearing nothing but jeans and chocolate mousse and carrying a potato sack.
Oh yes. He was made of win. Especially considering they were using the potato sack to capture one Unsuspecting Victim (aka- Faye Valentine), who was spotted currently lounging in the lobby with a cigarette.
Faye'd been surprised many times in her life-many, many awful, unfortunate, painstakingly annoying times. This took the cake.
She saw lots of war paint, something about a big helmet and shield, and then, she should've known anyway, the skirt
Her first thought was that they were going to hit her over the head with the shield. The second was a question of what the sack was for. Then, third and last: doing a mental tally of all the hairy-legged people she knew who ran around in skirts and coming up with the answer.
Stubbing out her cigarette on the armchair, she started saying, "Now what the hell do you two want?" but never actually got the chance to finish, as she'd never been full-body tackled by chocolate(?)-covered morons.
With a war whoop, Jed pulled the potato sack over Faye’s head. “Got ‘er!” he reported, even though Octavius WAS standing right next to him.
Octavius reached over to the wall, where he taped a note he had been holding.
"If you ever want to see Faye again, arrive at the fountain on the 30th with 4 boxes of sugar wafers, 2 bottles grey poupon, a construction hat, 3 quality cigars, a micheal buble cd, and a doberman pincher."
He then turned to Jed, "RETREAT, MEN!" he shouted, even though Jed was obviously the only one there he could have been talking to.
It all happened very fast. At least that was the excuse that Faye gave herself. Happened fast and she didn't have her gun and how did they even GET over here when it was hailing fire? And were they actually thinking about taking her out there
The bag she found herself in seemed to suggest it, but she had no idea why. Vaguely, she wondered if they were high, decided it didn't matter, and started thrashing around like a cat, trying to get out of the sack so she could either run and run fast or kill them for trying this with her bare hands.
“Yeeeeeeeeehaw!” Jed’s rally cry was his only response to Octavius’s call for retreat as he slung the squirming Faye over his shoulder and ducked under the shield so that he and the Roman could retreat back out into the fiery hail to get back to their apartment.
The Roman raised his shield high enough that the three of them (a bagged Faye Valentine included) could fit underneath, safe from the fire and hail the city skies were spitting at them. Moving in sync with Jedediah, he pushed the door open with his free hand and moved on out.
Faye knew they were outside the minute she heard the lobby door clang shut behind her. Something heavy and metal smacked her in the head and clanged loudly over the sound of this particular plague, and that was more or less the last straw for her.
"Put me the fuck down!" she yelled, trying to land a kick on anything she could reach. This probably wasn't the best course of action, considering that she was in a cloth sack and it was raining fire, but all that really mattered was getting out and getting back at them.
“No can do, crackerjack!” Jed reported cheerily, though his words were slurred, probably giving away very quickly that he was not quite in his right mind.
Octavius chuckled to himself and may have possibly mumbled something, but who could tell? The mixture of alcohol with his accent made him pretty incoherent. He tred on, marching proudly as if he had just achieved the greatest victory known to man.
The rhythm of their steps was making her neck bounce back and forth in a way that she seriously didn't like.
"And where the hell are you guys taking me?" she asked through the sack, trying to find her way out somehow. "I'm not playing Dress Up with you Octavius, if this is what this is all about."
“We ain’t gonna tell yew!” Jed stated, in response to her question. “S’a sekrit!”
"PREPOSTEROUS." the Roman shouted, at Faye's remark. They were reaching the home stretch now. Trying not to trip and fall over himself, he continued toward the apartment building they called home.
She could hear doors opening and closing and knew they were going up stairs by the way she was being jostled around.
"You could be a LITTLE more careful, you know," she yelled, punching whoever was carrying her in the back as well as she could while restrained by an itchy sack. "Where are we? What are you doing? Is this a surprise party or something?" Faye fired off one after the other.
“Ow!” Jed yelped, as he was punched by one angry cowgirl. “Hey, watchit!” He sniffled a bit. “Now that wuz jest downraight mean!”
Octavius pushed the door open to the secret lair that was their apartment. The shield had been lowered by now and he was having a hard time figuring how he fit it through the door in the first place. Like a toddler trying to solve a puzzle. After finally managing to get inside he looked back to Jed. "What now?"
"How about you put me down so I can shoot you?" Faye interrupted, smacking who she figured now was Jed again, just for good measure. "I swear when I get out of this thing the two of you are dead."
“Hn…that wouldn’t be too nice.” Jed stated thoughtfully, though he did wince as Faye smacked him again. “Ow! Would yew quit it! I don’ have Smith n’ Weston to help meh do th’ talkin’ so’s I gots ter do it all on mah onsees. N’b’sides, we wuz just seein’ wutchew were up to.”
Octavius had since then found an unopened bottle of alcohol and decided it needed to be put to use. Faye's death threats didn't startle him at all. He shrugged them off and took a gulp from the bottle.
"Seeing what I was up to?!" Faye yelled, definitely not realizing what she looked like wriggling around inside a bag.
She was trying to get at Jed's head but it wasn't working. "You wanted to see what I was up to so you stuffed me in a sack and hauled me all over the goddamn City?" She rolled her eyes. "Ugh, children. At least let me out. I hear you drinking over there!"
Jed let out a sound of irritation as Faye smacked at him again, missing his head by mere inches. “Yeah, pretty much.” he said,
in response to her question, before he lowered her to ground. “N’ yew c’n stop hittin’ me now!”
Octavius thought the entire situation the funniest thing he'd ever seen. His cackling could drive any sober man nuts.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" he shouted to Faye's remarks, continuing to drink himself into even more of a stupor.
"Bastard," she mumbled to Octavius, rummaging around and looking for the opening to this thing. And I'll stop hitting you when you let me the hell out of here." There didn't seem to be an opening, so she immediately returned to the direction she thought Jed was in, crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. Even if they couldn't see it, she liked to think the affect wasn't spoiled.
Unfortuntely for Faye, the affect was quite spoiled when she suddenly turned her back on him and seemed to glare at the wall. The cowboy let out a noise of irritation. “Why should I, iffin yer gunna act like a chil’ ‘bout it?” he asked, his tone like a sulky five year old.
Octavius rolled his eyes, "If you let her out, it's possible that she will try to scratch our eyes out, but if you leave her in she'll bitch and complain; either way we lose." he said, then looked down to the bottle he was holding. It was like some drunken epiphany. He didn't really want to share, but considering it might save an eye or two, he screwed the lid back on and rolled it toward the potato sack. "Cheers," he muttered.
"I'm not being a child about it," she said, turning her nose up. "You're the ones who put a bag over my head because you were bored!" A bottle clunked against her leg and she scowled in the direction that it seemed to come from. "What, hoping it'll soak through and the fumes'll help me out? If you want a drinking partner, then you'll have to let me out." It wasn't really a great bargain, but it would do.
Jed scowled, but finally conceded, grabbing the hem of the bag and tugging it up over Faye’s head, though none-too-gently. “Thar. Ya happy now?” he asked, with a petulant, childish scowl.
Octavius flinched a second, dillusional, waiting for a rabid creature to hop out of the bag and rip his throat out. He would have said a prayer if he knew how, but instead found another bottle and fumbled to get it open.
All in all, Faye could have and should have probably gotten up and actually commenced with ripping his throat out as soon as Jed-who was behind her, great-had pulled the bag over her head. The alcohol was enough to sway her. "You guys suck at kidnapping," she said, unscrewing the cap and throwing it deliberately at Octavius.
Jed shrugged as he retrieved another bottle, this one half opened on the table. “Well, s’not like we dun it b’fer.” he stated, flopping down on the couch and tipping the bottle back, not quite sure what was in it; only knowing that it was alcohol.
Octavius blinked, being hit in the face by a bottle cap. "What isat supposed to mean?" his speech was becoming more slurred.
Faye took a swig, wiping her mouth. "It means just what you think it means. And not doing it before's no excuse. Point blank, you shouldn't have grabbed me, and that's all there is to it," she said, taking another drink. "If you wanted me to come drink with you all you had to do was say please," she smirked.
Jed sniggered. “But it wuz funnier this way.” he stated, a boyish grin falling onto his features. “B’sides, the note we left’ll be funneh ter find in th’ mornin’.”
Octavius tipped his head forward a bit in some sort of drunken bow. He felt like a genius. Besides, any time he had
asked for company in the past he was shot-down and called names. This coming to mind, he made a mental note that Faye is a terrible liar.
She narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean 'the note we left?'" She snorted. "What'd you do, put a ransom on my head?"
This time, Jed giggled. “Maybe~~~h!” he stated, in a sing-songy tone.
Octavius was pretty sure that he and Jed were brilliant. Telling Faye would ruin the fun, especially because she would surely have something smart to say back to that. At least she wasn't kicking anymore.
Shooting them both the same look-a look that clearly said they were fucking out of their minds-Faye took another sharp swallow, squinting at the bottle. "I hope you guys at least asked for something good," she said. "I don't come cheap, you know. I'm one of a kind."
Jed waved a hand lazily in the air at that. "Course we did. We ain't stupid." he stated, though all actions that night spoke to the contrary. In the morning, he would think his actions were stupid. Now, however, they were brilliant.
"Don't worry, we asked for EXACTLY what you are worth..." Octavius spoke proudly, pouring more booze down his throat.
"Money? Gold? Booze?" she listed, ticking items off on her fingers. She gave Octavius another look and then rolled her eyes over to Jed. "It's not like this is a real kidnapping. Last time I checked, the girl didn't sit and have drinks with would-be-snatchers."
Jed shrugged. “Jest cause it ain’t a “real” kidnapping don’ mean that we didn’ leave a real ransom list. Raight, Octi?”
Octavius nodded in response, "A brilliant list, it was." he spoke, he was very proud of it. Frowning however, at the unsuccessful kidnapping, he waved Jed over to him.
Faye narrowed her eyes as Octavius waved Jed over. "What're you planning?" she asked, not really expecting to get an answer at all, but when you dealt with Octavius you had to be careful.
Jed had no idea what the Roman was planning either, but he pushed himself onto wobbly legs none-the-less and sauntered over to Octavius, one blond eyebrow raised in question.
"What do we do now?" he whispered to the cowboy as if it where some top-secret mission, "I mean, what do people do to hostages?" His eyes peered back towards Faye, who, of course, knew they were talking about her.
She saw them eyeing her and looked over her shoulder and out the window, wondering if it was worth the risk of damaging another sweater to jump out and make a run for it. She had other things she'd much rather be doing-literally-so the thought of making a dash for the window wasn't out of the question. The real question was whether or not they were drunk enough no to catch her.
Jed lifted a hand, idily scratching the back of his head. “How in th’ hell should I know?” he asked. “I ain’t never captured no one befers. Well, cept yew. N we put yew in th’ stockade.” At the remembrance of that time, Jed giggled.
Octavius would have slapped Jed, but that would have looked faggy. Well...more faggy. "Well, we don't have a stockade here..." he said, also lifting a hand, only bringing it to his chin in a thoughtful position. "...but we do have a closet."
Hail and fire was better than this any day. Faye was good at running, too. And the window wasn't far away. She figured if she just set the bottle down nice and easy and backed away slowly, they might not notice. They weren't exactly pros at this for one. And two, well… they were drunk and Faye wasn't. Time to put that Famous Disappearing Act into effect.
Jed blinked, and shrugged. "That'll work." he agreed, before he turned and waved Faye. "Oi! Faye! C'mere a sec!"
Octavius pretended to be uninterested in Faye's attention, even in his drunken state, he knew that Faye would catch on if he even gave the slightest clue.
"I'm alright going over here, thanks," Faye was saying to Jed, even while she watched Octavius. She spared a look at their windows and said conversationally, "You guys have a great view here. Let's open some windows."
Jed gave the woman a look like she was crazy. “Yew nuts? S’rainin’ fire n’ ice ‘round here!” he stated, snatching the previously opened bottle off the table and drunkenly moving over towards her, though it looked fairly casual.
Octavius stood, stretching, trying his best to look casual as well.
Faye wasn't stupid. She crossed her arms over her chest and frowned, still backing up. "You creeps better not be getting ideas," she said.
Jed gave Faye a naturally easy smile. "Faye darlin', wut makes yew think we're plannin' anythang?"
Octavius adjusted his belt, but stood in place. He'd move when appropriate. "What kind of ideas?" the drunk Roman spit out.
Glaring, Faye said, "The kind of ideas that involve you two, me, and me not being able to leave. In general, bad ones. And what DOESN'T make me think you guys don't have ideas? You brought me here, didn't you?"
Jed's face fell into a hurt pout. "We jest brought yew here cause we wanted yer stunnin' company!" he protested.
"Pft, stunning." Octavius repeated sarcastically, but no one would know due to his slurred speech. With that, he took a few steps closer.
And Faye took a few steps backward, not really knowing where she was headed. "Alright," she said, "play time's over. Things to do, people to see. You know how it is."
Jed's face took on a long-worked-on, well-perfected puppy dog look, all big blue eyes and pouting lips. "But Faye...yew jest got here!" he protested, moving towards her even as she moved away.
Octavius wondered whether or not Faye knew if she was headed directly for the closet or not. He kept walking.
"Yeah, well, I have a tendency to overstay my welcome, apparently," she said. "I wouldn't wanna impose or anything, since I'm sure you both have busy days planned."
Jed snorted as he moved closer still. "Busy? In this place? Yeah, riaght." He took another swig of the bottle he was drinking from, moving towards Faye with a bit of a longer stride now, backing her furthur towards the closet
There was a look of drunken intent in the Roman's eye. Soon they would have their prize. A few steps closer, a few more, a little bit more, now...
Faye scowled, something she was very good at, and took a step forward, hands on her hips now. "Outta my way, idiots," she started, meaning to push through them. "I'm leaving."
Jed sighed, and stepped up next to Octavius, successfully creating a wall between Faye and the door. "Now Miz Faye, that's just dang impolite." he stated, in a scolding tone.
Octavius did nothing put reach an arm out, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder. "I'm afraid not." he said, and gently pushed her backward into the open closet.
Looking around, the door still open, Faye did a mental calculation of the size of where she was standing, the area of floor space, and just whether or not she'd be able to lie down. She didn't like any of it.
"You can't be serious," she deadpanned, making to step back out into the main room.
Jed only grinned, kicking the door shut. "Fraid so!" he reported, flicking the lock ont he closet
"Good night, my dear." Octavius responded, watching as Jed sealed the deal.
Faye stood in the dark for a moment before she tried the knob, twisting and turning it. "Very funny guys," she called through the door when she couldn't get it open. "Let me out and I won't have to hurt you."
"No can do, crackerjack! Gotta do this thing nice n' proper!" Jed giggled, happy to use the same line over again twice in one night
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