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tampered2007-05-12 04:28 pm
fireismyblood.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-05-12 04:28 pm
Log: Complete
When; May 12th
Rating; PG? Some mild language.
Characters; Archer![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fireismyblood and Hotaru silence_bringer.
Summary; Archer and Hotaru meet in the forest.
Log;
Archer was getting frustrated. He had searched all over the city and had still not found his Master. Or any Master for that matter. He was willing to guess that his Master had died shortly after or during his summons. If he could just find another Master he could become their Servant. But so far he had found no one. So now he had started to expand his search out into the forest.
He had been warned against going in there by a few people, but he shrugged off their words. Archer was more than sure of his abilities to fend off a few monsters. Besides, it might be good for him, he hadn't had any action or exercise since coming here and he didn't want his skills to atrophy.
So into the woods I go, Archer thought, curious to see what these monsters were like.
A deep breath, drawn in through lightly clenched teeth, and violet eyes slid open as the tiara materialized onto her forehead, the familiar wash of power shifting her clothes into the senshi fuku she knew so well. Silence Glaive falling easily into her hands, she narrowed deep violet gaze before sending the power crackling down the weapon, slicing it through the trees and into the creatures that seemed to appear on all sides.
It wasn't so much that she enjoyed the carnage, she hated it in fact. But the power of Saturn was the power of rebirth and Silence. A power to destroy. And it was a waking power, a living thing that coiled and danced in the back of her mind, whispering and begging to her. And try as she might, though she would push it's voice back and ignore, wipe it's presence from her mind, it would always return. Louder and louder, until finally it would be unbearable, the hungering thirst for destruction becoming overwhelming. And she'd find herself here, or in the underground. Or any one of a number of unsavory places that things which liked to prey on little girls lived. And she would kill, until that thirst was sated.
The thing was hideous, like out of some child's nightmare. It had what looked like fur that was covered in slime and it ran at him in a loping gate on claws that tore up the ground under them. Archer leaped up and over the creature, throwing Kansho at it. The blade spun through the air and burried itself into the monster. It gave a hideous shriek before shuddering and collapsing.
"Hmph, not so hard," Archer mused as he went over and wrenched his weapon out of the monsters body.
He heard a ruslting in the leaves around him and he altered his eyesight until he could make out the tiniest details. Looking around six pairs of wicked, glowing eyes gazed back at him. Perhaps it was time for him to find some more advantageous ground to fight from...
From a few miles away from him there was a low hum as a black sphere of energy erupted with a pulse of power from the forest, silently expanding before collapsing in onto itself with a rush of energy and the roar of an explosion. Trees flattened, shockwaves surged as the howling wind ripped leaves from whatever trees remained standing.
Archer had to admit that the forrest was a bit more dangerous than he had originally thought it might be. Perhaps everyone wasn't exagerating when they had told him the forrest was dangerous. Still, it was nothing the Servant couldn't handle. He was mostly just dejected because it didn't seem like anyone was out here, which made it unlikely that his still non-existant Master was here. With a sigh Archer decided to head back.
That was when the explosion happened. Archer had never seen or felt anything like it. Instead of a flash of light or fire it was a giant ball of... darkness, collapsing in on itself. It was some distance away but the ground beneath his feet shook so hard he nearly fell down and the shockwave hit him with enough force to make him reel backwards.
"What the hell was that?" he wondered out loud. Despite the recklessness of it, Archer began to head in that direction. Anything that could cause an explosion like that was worth investigating.
A smoking crater was all that was really left of the area where the explosion had occured. And standing in the middle of that blasted earth was a small, slight figure in a white and purple sailor uniform, black hair rustling softly in the breeze, light glinting off the sleek, deadly polearm clasped in one small hand. With a sigh, she spun the weapon over her head, black lighting arcing off of it, striking at the things that emerged from the edges of blasted woods, charging towards her.
"Death Ribbon Revolution"
It only took the barest touch of the black filaments for the creatures to erupt into dust as their very essence was Silenced by the Glaive's power. Hotaru let the Glaive drop, silvery metal resting against the disty ground as she simply stared ahead, eyes vacant and haunted.
Archer used his augmented vision so that he could see what was happening at the crather before he arrived. What he saw he almost didn't believe. He knew the person in the center of it all, the one that had obviously caused the destruction. It was Hotaru, the girl who had known him in his past life. The one that said she lo...
No, stop thinking about that, he chastised himself. You have to find your Master
Hotaru looked much different than when he had last seen her though. No longer did she wear her dark clothes, instead she was in a uniform of some sort with a skirt short enough to make him feel guilty for seeing her in it. More than that though, what she was doing was...
"Damn, I'm lucky she didn't kill me back on the roof," he muttered to himself. It was hard to reconcile the image of the girl whom he had apparently abandoned who wanted him to remember his past more than remember loving her. This same girl was slaughtering these monsters like she was just taking a stroll through the woods.
With a final pulse of dark crackling energy, the Glaive lowered in shaking hand as she stood there, wavering slightly on her feet for a moment before Hotaru simply crumpled to the ground and wrapped thin arms around herself, shoulders shaking with sobs, glaive forgotten at her feet. She hated this, hated giving in to Saturn this way. Hated the blood, the smell of death. But...she couldn't escape it.
Without even thinking, Archer left his distant vantage point of observation and ran towards the center of the crater... where he had seen Hotaru collapse in tears.
Man, I'm lucky she only used a little bit of force against me the other day he thought.
When he arrived at the crater, there were dead monsters all around, dozens of them slaughtered. He had watched her kill them all so effortlessly.
Or was it very effortlessly? he wondered as he came upon her tiny, sobbing form.
"Hotaru..." he said softly, approaching with caution. "Hotaru it's Archer. What... what just happened? Are you okay?"
Shaking her head, she simply rocked slightly back and forth, murmuring to herself. "No, 'snot Archer, Archer's gone, left me, don't love me anymore. Don't wanna kill, make it stop, go away, shut up, make it quiet, don't want it.." Tears ran down her face, dirt-streaked from the explosion, fingers of her gloves crimson-tinged and dug tightly into her arms as though in an attempt to quell the shaking. Wide violet eyes stared sightlessly ahead, haunted by phantoms only she could see.
Archer slowly set down his swords as he approached Hotaru. After what he had seen they probably wouldn't do him much good anyways. The girl sounded like she was losing her mind, or had already lost it. Part of Archer told him this reaction was a good thing, as she didn't seem to enjoy what she had just done... or even want to do it.
"It's okay Hotaru," he said as he crouched down on the ground next to her, ever so slowly wrapping his arms around her. The motion was incredibly awkward and unnatural to him, but he wanted to comfort and calm her down before she caused anymore damage.
"The creatures are gone now," he assured her. "It's okay."
Something seemed to break, like a dam holding back floodwaters. A momentary stiffening, and then she slumped against him, sobbing into his chest as fingers curled into the material of his coat. It wasn't an embrace like before, full of warmth and caring. It was stiff, unnatural, awkward. As though he were forcing himself into the strange contortion, rather then opting for it willingly. But...right now it didn't matter. Right now, it was just him. And she didn't care that he didn't remember her.
Hotaru seemed to melt against him and Archer stiffened even more, unsure of how to react. The girl was clutching at him and sobbing.
This would be less awkward if she had more clothes on, he mused. Her outfit wasn't exactly... combat appropriate. And she was only a girl.
"I'm here Hotaru," he said softly, silently cursing himself. This was not going to help the girl get over him and realize he didn't know who she was. "I'm going to... Oh Shit!"
Archer immediately jumped up, slipping out of the arms out of his coat as he formed Kansho and Bayuka. One of the monsters nearby had decided that it was safe enough to approach again. Perhaps it smelled the fresh meat of its fallen brethren. The animal leaped at him and Archer crouched down and thrust his swords up. They penetrated deep into the chest of the beast. His armor protected him from the thing's claws that weakly pawed at him as it died. Only one managed to graze his shoulder where his armor ended.
He kicked the creature back and spun around, letting fly with one of the swords as it soared across the crater to strike a monster approaching from the other side...
Archer rushed back over to Hotaru's side, discarding his blades in favor of his bow. He couldn't attack the monsters close up for fear of leaving Hotaru unprotected. He had to kill them before they got close enough.
In his mind's eye Archer formed Caladbolg II and release it as a broken phantasm. There was a flash and an explosion as the arrow struck, creating another miniature crater. Without hesitating Archer spun around and fired a second, identical arrow at another beast.
The firing became automatic, Archer in his own world of create, acquire target, fire, create... He was unsure how many monsters he had killed, but he was beginning to grow weary and his mana would last for only so long. Not only that, but he didn't get all the monsters in time, more and more often one got close enough to strike at him before he dispatched it. He was going to have to grab Hotaru and run.
"Time to go Hotaru," he shouted. Without further hesitation he fired several last shots before picking up the girl in his arms in preparation to get out of the forest as fast as possible.
Violet eyes widened in startlement as she was scooped up, face reddening in surprise. Remembering that she was supposed to have at least some degree of animosity towards him because he had left her, she tried to work up a scowl but failed. Glancing up at Archer, she stretched out very faintly with her own power, feeling for the familiar twinge of magic that was distinctly Archer. Acting partially on instinct, and perhaps partially on her own feelings, she placed one palm against the flat planes of his chest, directing her own energy easily through the channels of magic, feeling his mana levels spike and hit the top of their capacity, threatening to overflow
Archer gasped and nearly stumbled as he felt the familiar sensation of mana flooding into him. There was no doubt as to its source, the small girl was placing a hand to chest, filling him to capacity. If there was ever any doubt in his mind that this girl had once been his Master, it was gone now. No one else could know how to do that.
"You... you filled me up," he said.
She gave him a look that seemed to say "duh...", and nodded. "Just because you forgot everything doesn't mean that I did. I still remember how to do it like that." Glancing away, cheeks turning slightly red, she muttered to herself. "But I like the other way better…”
If Archer thought that her giving him mana stunned him, what she said about "the other way" did even more so. His feet seemed to tangle beneath him and he stumbled, grunting as his knees hit the ground. Archer was careful not to drop Hotaru though, nor to slow down. There were still a lot of monsters around.
"What... you're just a kid! There's no way... that's just wrong!" Archer protested. Perhaps he protested more than he would have due to the fact that she was wearing some sort of uniform with a short skirt and he was holding her rather closely to himself at the moment.
Violet eyes snapped with restrained anger as mouth turned down into a frown. She'd about had it with the age thing. It hadn't mattered before, and while she realized that this Archer was different, he was still the same age. Physically, somewhere in his late teens. But he probably thought, just like so many other people did, that she wasn't even IN her teens. "Archer, how old do you think I am?”
The Servant could feel the anger coming from the tiny girl and for a moment he was slightly worried. He had seen what she could do. But no, it didn't seem like she wanted to do things like that and somehow he knew that she wouldn't hurt him.
But Archer knew this was some sort of feminine trap. He didn't know how he was aware of it, but some instinct told him that there was no way he could answer this question and save face.
"Too young, that's for sure," was all he said.
She bristled at the comment, reminded of another time when he had told her she was "too young". Voice dropping to an icy snap that could have frozen lava, she fixed deadly purple gaze on him and continued in that dangerously quiet tone. "No. For your information, Archer, since you seem to have forgotten, I am 16 years old, born on the 5th of January, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”
Archer bristled at the comment him seeming to have forgotten her age. It wasn't his fault damn it! As if he didn't feel bad enough about that already, did she keep having to bring it up? And there was no way in hell she was sixteen. Oh, Archer wanted to believe she was, since he would feel a bit more comfortable about how he felt seeing her in that costume.
"Sixteen? That's... You hardly look thirteen," he growled.
"That's what happens when you grow up sickly with a body that needs machines to help it run." She sighed, seeming perfectly comfortable just perched in his arms. Not that she weighed much, she was such a little thing afterall. Hotaru hated the fact that she looked so young, so juvenile. It wasn't as though she could do much about it, however. Her body had been destroyed when she was a child, torn and mangled. And then her father had rebuilt it, used technology and the powers he received from the demons to breathe life into the ruined shell that was his daughter. But that body had still never been strong. It had never aged the same, never grown "properly". And because of that, she remained stunted, frail, youthful. Growing and aging, certainly. But just so slowly.
For some reason Archer felt like he was being scolded unfairly, like he was a school child who had forgotten the answers to a test. And he wasn't saying she was ugly or anything like that, in fact it was the opposite, she just looked young. Too young to be transferring mana via "the other way" for sure.
Looking ahead, Archer saw that they were nearly out of the forrest. Thank God, he thought. I can't take much more of this. Whether it was the running or Hotaru though, he wasn't sure.
"You can't blame me for thinking you're younger than sixteen," he told her, finally slowing down as he exited the forest. "It's not as if I said you were too ugly for me to imagine that, just too young."
Archer slowly lowered her to the ground. "I happen to think you're rather..." But before he could finish his sentence, Archer collapsed from exhaustion and blood loss.
Well, she knew he wasn't saying she was ugly. Archer wasn't the type to beat around the bush about those sorts of things. If he thought she was ugly, he'd likely just outright say it. That still didn't mean she liked being told she looked like a child. Sighing slightly as he set her on her feet, she turned to thank him for his help just in time to see him crumple to the ground. Eyes widened, she caught him, her slight form staggering under his larger body, dropping to her knees. Even if she couldn't hold him up, she could at least break his fall with her own body. Easing him to the ground, she mentally pondered for a moment before small hands went to work on the buckles that held his armour on. He'd probably yell at her later, since he'd told her in the past that he only took it off in one instance, but she really didn't care right now. He was bleeding, badly. And she couldn't see where it was coming from. The armour needed to come off. Now. Nimble fingers soon had the irritating piece of armour off to where she could see the nasty wounds that were causing the bleeding. Placing palms over the oozing rents, she concentrated, pouring her own energy into him, watching as flesh knitted itself together beneath her touch.
Archer groaned as his armor was taken off, the movements aggravating the wounds under there. He wasn't entirely conscious but he was aware of something happening to him. In his brief moments of lucidity he thought it odd that dying this time was not at all like the last time. He was pretty sure that's what was happening to him, he had pushed himself too hard when he was wounded and now he was going to bleed to death.
So it came as a shock to him when he felt himself get stronger instead of weaker, whatever was threatening to drain him of his life had suddenly ceased. He could feel tiny hands pressing against his chest in a very pleasant manner as a strange sense of power flowed through him. His eyes fluttered open and he looked down at his bloody chest, noticing that there were no longer any gashes there.
"Shit," he whispered. "Is there anything you can't do?"
Most people might have beamed, or hugged him, or smiled and jokingly shook their heads. Or even blushed and looked embarrassed. Instead, she carefully set hands in her lap and looked away, expression sad. "Be normal..."
Archer instantly felt guilty - how the hell could one girl he didn't even know make him feel so guilty? - for the question he had just asked. Grunting, he raised his head until he could prop himself up on and elbow. Reaching out he hesitantly took her hand in his.
"Hey," he said. "Nothing wrong with different. Normal people are boring. Besides, if you were normal I'd be dead right now. Th... thank you for healing me..."
Her small fingers gave a gentle squeeze to his hand as she looked down at the other bloodied hand that rested in her lap. "You're welcome. Thank you...for protecting me, like you always did." Normal wasn't interesting, he'd said. And while she could see how that would be true for some, for her "normal" had always been something she'd craved. "Different...just means you're a freak. That everyone hates you, and is afraid of you."
Archer's eyes narrowed in anger, not at the girl but whoever had made her believe something like that. He may not remember being in love with her but it was easy to see that she was someone special. She didn't deserve to feel like this.
"So is that what you think about people who are different?" Archer asked. "That they're freaks to be hated and afraid of?"
"Of course I don't. But it doesn't matter what I think. Afterall, I'm the freak."
She held up her hand, as though studying it. With a simple mental command, her fuku melted back into the normal black of her everyday clothes, tiara vanishing from her face.
"I've....been a freak since I was little. Because I could heal. And the fact that my body was weak, because of the accident...that just made it worse."
Archer watched in fascination as her outfit changed before his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was glad that the enticing outfit was gone or sad to see it go.
"You're only a freak in the strictest sense of the word," Archer told her. As bad as he felt for her, he wasn't one to let someone wallow in self pity. "You're an aberration, that doesn't make you bad. And how does it not matter what you think? What you think about yourself makes all the difference. How does it make you feel when I say that I'm only a Servant, nothing but a weapon for a Master? Who you say you feel you are has everything to do with it. Do you feel like you're a freak, something to be afraid of? Is that the real problem?"
She was silent for a moment before she simply glanced up at him, voice quiet. "I destroyed my entire world. Killed every living thing and Silenced it all. Isn't that something to be afraid of?" True, she hadn't had a choice in the matter. To let Pharoah-90 plunge the world into darkness had been the greater of two evils, the Silence being the only answer she had seen. But...that didn't make it feel any better knowing that she had been the cause of her world's demise. And hadn't the other senshi been right, as much as she thought it was wrong? They had tried to kill her, to save the world before her powers could awaken. Hotaru thought that was wrong, to judge someone based on what they couldn't help. But hadn't they been right?
"Hmph," Archer snorted. "Somehow I doubt that it happened just like that. I've..." Archer almost said "just met you" but caught himself just in time, "come to see you're not the kind of person that would do something like that so casually."
Even as he spoke, Archer was a bit unsettled by her words. What he had seen back in the forest was an impressive display of power but it wasn't the sort of thing that could destroy and entire world. Oddly enough, he wasn't afraid of her in the least. Archer had developed finely honed instincts that helped alert him to any potential danger. For all her destructive capability, he wasn't scared of Hotaru any more than if she had been a normal 16 year old girl.
"Look at you, you cried after killing those monsters, those things would have torn you to shreds and not thought anything of it," he said. "You're just as bad as Shiro," he kidded, still having trouble believing he had once been that boy. "Your actions and motivations make you a monster Hotaru. You may have the ability and sometimes the actions to be a monster, but no offense, you severely lack the motivation."
"The other me doesn't.." It was said so quietly, so softly as to be nearly inaudible as she ran fingertips through the grass at her feet, mind reaching back to touch the sleeping portion of her mind that contained the destructive potential of the planet of Silence. She might not have the motivation to destroy, to kill, to harm. Certainly, she only fought to defend herself or those dear to her. But her other self....Saturn....she was different. She cared for nothing, save the cleansing of the world through the Silence. In fact, the cleansing of anything through Silence.
"The other you?" Archer asked skeptically. He supposed that what he saw back in the forrest might as well have been another person all together.
"Heh, you just don't get it do you?" he asked. "Not wanting to do those things, not liking doing those things, trying not to do them, that makes you not a monsters. The fact that you have some part of you that doesn't feel that way... is that really you if it's so opposite your beliefs or is it something that just inhabits you?"
Hotaru shook her head. He was the one that didn't really get it. "It's...complicated." With a sigh, she drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "In my world, there are 9 people who are given the blessings of the planets. They protect the reborn Princess who will be the future Queen. Each planet bestows a certain gift on it's chosen soldier. I'm...one of them. A thousand years ago, we served Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. When the Dark Kingdom attacked, and the Silver Millenium was destroyed, Queen Serenity used the last of her power to send all of us, with her daughter, to the future to be reborn, in the hopes that we could have a normal life." She concentrated, drawing on the slightest bit of power, the symbol of Saturn appearing in pale violet on her forehead. "I live under the watch of Saturn. The planet of destruction. Through all the ages, the soldier of Saturn has never been allowed to wake. She's always been kept in stasis, sleeping. Because it was said that were she to awaken, she would bring about the end of the world." Glancing away, she let the power fade, the sigil vanishing. "The other senshi discovered that I carried that power, even though I myself had no idea. They wanted to kill me, in order to keep Saturn from ever awakening. They said it was the only way to protect the world from Silence. But...it didn't work. The power of Saturn is like a live thing. It consumes you, and cares for nothing but it's purpose. I always have it whispering in the back of my mind, begging and pleading for destruction. And....I can't make it go away. Ever."
"So you have a power inside of you that wants to... destroy things?" Archer asked, trying to understand everything. And he thought not having a past was complicated...
"You really think that's who you are? Hotaru look at me... I have come and seriously fucked up your life and what did you say to me? That even more than wanting me to remember loving you, you wanted me to remember my past... you are one lousy Soldier of Destruction."
"You didn't screw up my life, Archer...." He was right, in a way. If she wanted to think on it that way, then she really was a rather lousy soldier of destruction. But maybe that was because the role had been imposed upon her by destiny's hand, not by any choice of her own. The timid girl who healed, forced to wear the mantle of destruction on her small shoulders.
Archer couldn't help but let a small smirk of a smile form on his lips. Even in the midst of this she was still trying to be nice to him. If he hadn't been so touched by it he almost would have thought it slightly pathetic, the notion was so foreign to him.
"I'm sure that's why your friends left me all those nice messages on that journal thing," he replied. "The funny thing about power though Hotaru, sometimes you get it without asking for it. But if you really want it and what you do with it says a lot about you. You have the strength to rule everything here, to oppress everyone... yet you don't... and what's more is you wish that you weren't able to."
"I'm sorry they were mean to you..." She really was, even though her friends seemed to think he deserved it. As much as it hurt her, it wasn't his fault that he didn't remember her. She stared down at the tops of her shoes, biting her lower lip. She missed him. Missed him so much more then she'd ever thought she would. And having him here, with her, but still so far away....well, that only made it harder.
Archer leaned over and bumped her shoulder lightly, trying to break her out of her melancholy mood. It didn't seem right that this girl was so sad.
And I make her this way, he reminded himself. That's why it's foolish for me to do anything other than look for my Master. I'm just going to have to leave again.
"It's okay," Archer told her. "I can understand why they did it. It's a pretty messed up situation and... Hotaru please understand... it's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's that I can't. Even if I remembered who I was I would still be a Servant. I wish I could be what you want me to but the reality of it is that when the Holy Grail War ends, I'll be gone again and there's nothing I can do about it."
With a sigh, she turned slightly towards him, picking up one of his hands. "Archer....you're the one that doesn't understand." Carefully lifting the hand, she placed it over her chest, over the silence where a heartbeat should have sounded. "Even the dead are free here. You're not a Servant in this place. You're just...Archer."
"Did you say dead?" he asked. "You mean not everyone here is alive? Y-you're not alive?"
Archer looked at her closer, but he couldn't see anything different between her and himself. "You don't look very dead."
Hotaru nodded softly. She'd thought he would have noticed. The way her skin always seemed slightly chilled, the way she tended to not breathe if she got too lost in thought. "I died in the Silence, with the rest of my world. That's when...I came here. This place is...apart from reality. When you die here, you don't leave. You just....keep existing. The only difference is...you're trapped here."
Archer was stunned by her words, and by their implication. The fact that she was dead didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. All of the Servants in the Holy Grail War were dead.
"You could have let me die," Archer said. "Just now, you could have let me die and I would never be able to leave you. But you didn't. I... why?"
He was right. She could have done just that. And it wasn't as though the thought hadn't momentarily passed her mind. But...it had only been a fleeting thought. Letting him die? That was...something unthinkable. "Trapping you here....wouldn't make you love me again... Besides....what sort of person condemns the one they love the most?"
Archer didn't understand how she could do such a thing, but he knew it was probably one of the most noble, sacrificing things he had ever seen from someone. And her words... the one she loved the most. He wish she wouldn't talk like that about him. He wasn't that person anymore, if he ever really had been. Still her actions had proved the point he had been trying to make the whole time.
"See," he said, a smug smile passing across his face. "Now how can you deny you're not a monster. You just put someone else's needs above your own. Shiro would say that makes you a Hero of Justice. Not a monster."
A slight nod, then she glanced back up at him, cocking her head to one side. "Why won't you believe me, that you're just Archer here?" She wished there was a way to convince him, to make him see that there was a very real chance that he didn't have a Master in this place, that he could be his OWN Master.
Archer looked away from her accusing eyes. How could he explain it to her? He didn't even know himself, did he?
You know why, he told himself. You're just afraid of the truth.
Still, she had been completely honest with him and had saved his life, even though letting him die meant he would be in this place forever, where she was. He owed her the truth.
"Because if I'm not a Servant, then I'm not anything," he said quietly. "I have no memories of who I am. I don't remember anything. Even when you told me... it's like hearing a story about someone else. I don't remember my parents... or my adoptive father I guess. I don't remember Rin before she was my Master, I don't remember Saber when she was my Servant. I'm just a... a shell of a person. I know how to fight and that's it. I can't believe that's all there is to me Hotaru. I have to believe that I'm a Servant, and therefore I have a purpose."
"That's not true. You're you. You're whoever you want to be, Archer. That's what freedom is. It means you get to decide for yourself what your purpose is, what you do with your life. If you don't have memories...then you can make new ones." She didn't want him to be depressed, she wanted him to understand that there was more to him then the role he placed for himself. She just hoped her words would get through. If not...there was one way she knew that she could make him face the truth. That he wasn't a Servant here. That he was just Archer.
Archer frowned and shook his head. He wished it was that simple but it wasn't. You couldn't just create a new life for yourself, could you? Your life was dictated by your beliefs, your beliefs dictated by your experiences. Archer had no experiences to base his beliefs on.
"I wish I could," he said. "But I don't even know why I'm the way I am right now. I don't know why I make one choice versus the other. I can't live like that. Being a Servant... it's all I know. I have to believe that once I'm done being a Servant, I'll get my memories back."
"Archer...." She didn't really know what to say. She could try and back him into a corner, make him face the truth, but...that didn't seem right. "Ne Archer....I want you to try something for me, sometime."
Archer could see that again his words had hurt the girl, but he wouldn't take them back. Anything else would be lying to her, and he really didn't want to do that. That would just do more damage in the long run. And he appreciated her understanding of the whole situation. If she wanted him to try something, it certainly wouldn't hurt. He knew Hotaru would never do anything to harm him.
I just wish she could say the same thing about me, that seems to be all I do to her, he mused.
"Okay," he said with a nod. "What is it?"
"Replenish your own mana. Just try it." She knew it would be rough for him, that the realization would probably hurt. But...he needed to understand, needed to know the truth.
"Hotaru I can't repl..." Archer began before catching himself. "I see. If I can replenish my own mana then I'm not a Servant, I'm a sorcerer, which means I'm here as Shiro and not Archer..."
Archer frowned at that thought. He didn't want to be Shiro, memories or no memories. The fact was that he didn't like the boy and thought him a naive fool. Even if he had obviously changed a lot... he didn't think he could ever think of himself as Shiro. Only Archer.
"Alright, I'll try it sometime," he told her. "I promise."
Not now though, he couldn't try it now. Because he knew he couldn't, and if he couldn't... it would crush Hotaru and he didn't think he could be here when that happened. It may be cowardly but he just couldn't.
"In the mean time... I think we both need a bath."
She nodded, with a gentle smile. She knew there was a good chance that he wouldn't do it, but she could at least hope. "Ok." Looking at herself, she wrinkled her nose at the dirt that was smudged on her skin, mixed with little bits of blood and other grime. He was right.
Archer gathered his armor and jacket in his arms and stood up. He could repair them with sorcery later. Especially since Hotaru filled him up.
Although if what she says is right...
No, he wouldn't think on that now. There was no need to try because it couldn't happen. It was only a matter of time until he found a Master. It had to be only a matter of time...
"Do you live far from here?" Archer asked, offering a hand down. "I... I could walk you home if you wanted me to."
Rating; PG? Some mild language.
Characters; Archer
fireismyblood and Hotaru silence_bringer. Summary; Archer and Hotaru meet in the forest.
Log;
Archer was getting frustrated. He had searched all over the city and had still not found his Master. Or any Master for that matter. He was willing to guess that his Master had died shortly after or during his summons. If he could just find another Master he could become their Servant. But so far he had found no one. So now he had started to expand his search out into the forest.
He had been warned against going in there by a few people, but he shrugged off their words. Archer was more than sure of his abilities to fend off a few monsters. Besides, it might be good for him, he hadn't had any action or exercise since coming here and he didn't want his skills to atrophy.
So into the woods I go, Archer thought, curious to see what these monsters were like.
A deep breath, drawn in through lightly clenched teeth, and violet eyes slid open as the tiara materialized onto her forehead, the familiar wash of power shifting her clothes into the senshi fuku she knew so well. Silence Glaive falling easily into her hands, she narrowed deep violet gaze before sending the power crackling down the weapon, slicing it through the trees and into the creatures that seemed to appear on all sides.
It wasn't so much that she enjoyed the carnage, she hated it in fact. But the power of Saturn was the power of rebirth and Silence. A power to destroy. And it was a waking power, a living thing that coiled and danced in the back of her mind, whispering and begging to her. And try as she might, though she would push it's voice back and ignore, wipe it's presence from her mind, it would always return. Louder and louder, until finally it would be unbearable, the hungering thirst for destruction becoming overwhelming. And she'd find herself here, or in the underground. Or any one of a number of unsavory places that things which liked to prey on little girls lived. And she would kill, until that thirst was sated.
The thing was hideous, like out of some child's nightmare. It had what looked like fur that was covered in slime and it ran at him in a loping gate on claws that tore up the ground under them. Archer leaped up and over the creature, throwing Kansho at it. The blade spun through the air and burried itself into the monster. It gave a hideous shriek before shuddering and collapsing.
"Hmph, not so hard," Archer mused as he went over and wrenched his weapon out of the monsters body.
He heard a ruslting in the leaves around him and he altered his eyesight until he could make out the tiniest details. Looking around six pairs of wicked, glowing eyes gazed back at him. Perhaps it was time for him to find some more advantageous ground to fight from...
From a few miles away from him there was a low hum as a black sphere of energy erupted with a pulse of power from the forest, silently expanding before collapsing in onto itself with a rush of energy and the roar of an explosion. Trees flattened, shockwaves surged as the howling wind ripped leaves from whatever trees remained standing.
Archer had to admit that the forrest was a bit more dangerous than he had originally thought it might be. Perhaps everyone wasn't exagerating when they had told him the forrest was dangerous. Still, it was nothing the Servant couldn't handle. He was mostly just dejected because it didn't seem like anyone was out here, which made it unlikely that his still non-existant Master was here. With a sigh Archer decided to head back.
That was when the explosion happened. Archer had never seen or felt anything like it. Instead of a flash of light or fire it was a giant ball of... darkness, collapsing in on itself. It was some distance away but the ground beneath his feet shook so hard he nearly fell down and the shockwave hit him with enough force to make him reel backwards.
"What the hell was that?" he wondered out loud. Despite the recklessness of it, Archer began to head in that direction. Anything that could cause an explosion like that was worth investigating.
A smoking crater was all that was really left of the area where the explosion had occured. And standing in the middle of that blasted earth was a small, slight figure in a white and purple sailor uniform, black hair rustling softly in the breeze, light glinting off the sleek, deadly polearm clasped in one small hand. With a sigh, she spun the weapon over her head, black lighting arcing off of it, striking at the things that emerged from the edges of blasted woods, charging towards her.
"Death Ribbon Revolution"
It only took the barest touch of the black filaments for the creatures to erupt into dust as their very essence was Silenced by the Glaive's power. Hotaru let the Glaive drop, silvery metal resting against the disty ground as she simply stared ahead, eyes vacant and haunted.
Archer used his augmented vision so that he could see what was happening at the crather before he arrived. What he saw he almost didn't believe. He knew the person in the center of it all, the one that had obviously caused the destruction. It was Hotaru, the girl who had known him in his past life. The one that said she lo...
No, stop thinking about that, he chastised himself. You have to find your Master
Hotaru looked much different than when he had last seen her though. No longer did she wear her dark clothes, instead she was in a uniform of some sort with a skirt short enough to make him feel guilty for seeing her in it. More than that though, what she was doing was...
"Damn, I'm lucky she didn't kill me back on the roof," he muttered to himself. It was hard to reconcile the image of the girl whom he had apparently abandoned who wanted him to remember his past more than remember loving her. This same girl was slaughtering these monsters like she was just taking a stroll through the woods.
With a final pulse of dark crackling energy, the Glaive lowered in shaking hand as she stood there, wavering slightly on her feet for a moment before Hotaru simply crumpled to the ground and wrapped thin arms around herself, shoulders shaking with sobs, glaive forgotten at her feet. She hated this, hated giving in to Saturn this way. Hated the blood, the smell of death. But...she couldn't escape it.
Without even thinking, Archer left his distant vantage point of observation and ran towards the center of the crater... where he had seen Hotaru collapse in tears.
Man, I'm lucky she only used a little bit of force against me the other day he thought.
When he arrived at the crater, there were dead monsters all around, dozens of them slaughtered. He had watched her kill them all so effortlessly.
Or was it very effortlessly? he wondered as he came upon her tiny, sobbing form.
"Hotaru..." he said softly, approaching with caution. "Hotaru it's Archer. What... what just happened? Are you okay?"
Shaking her head, she simply rocked slightly back and forth, murmuring to herself. "No, 'snot Archer, Archer's gone, left me, don't love me anymore. Don't wanna kill, make it stop, go away, shut up, make it quiet, don't want it.." Tears ran down her face, dirt-streaked from the explosion, fingers of her gloves crimson-tinged and dug tightly into her arms as though in an attempt to quell the shaking. Wide violet eyes stared sightlessly ahead, haunted by phantoms only she could see.
Archer slowly set down his swords as he approached Hotaru. After what he had seen they probably wouldn't do him much good anyways. The girl sounded like she was losing her mind, or had already lost it. Part of Archer told him this reaction was a good thing, as she didn't seem to enjoy what she had just done... or even want to do it.
"It's okay Hotaru," he said as he crouched down on the ground next to her, ever so slowly wrapping his arms around her. The motion was incredibly awkward and unnatural to him, but he wanted to comfort and calm her down before she caused anymore damage.
"The creatures are gone now," he assured her. "It's okay."
Something seemed to break, like a dam holding back floodwaters. A momentary stiffening, and then she slumped against him, sobbing into his chest as fingers curled into the material of his coat. It wasn't an embrace like before, full of warmth and caring. It was stiff, unnatural, awkward. As though he were forcing himself into the strange contortion, rather then opting for it willingly. But...right now it didn't matter. Right now, it was just him. And she didn't care that he didn't remember her.
Hotaru seemed to melt against him and Archer stiffened even more, unsure of how to react. The girl was clutching at him and sobbing.
This would be less awkward if she had more clothes on, he mused. Her outfit wasn't exactly... combat appropriate. And she was only a girl.
"I'm here Hotaru," he said softly, silently cursing himself. This was not going to help the girl get over him and realize he didn't know who she was. "I'm going to... Oh Shit!"
Archer immediately jumped up, slipping out of the arms out of his coat as he formed Kansho and Bayuka. One of the monsters nearby had decided that it was safe enough to approach again. Perhaps it smelled the fresh meat of its fallen brethren. The animal leaped at him and Archer crouched down and thrust his swords up. They penetrated deep into the chest of the beast. His armor protected him from the thing's claws that weakly pawed at him as it died. Only one managed to graze his shoulder where his armor ended.
He kicked the creature back and spun around, letting fly with one of the swords as it soared across the crater to strike a monster approaching from the other side...
Archer rushed back over to Hotaru's side, discarding his blades in favor of his bow. He couldn't attack the monsters close up for fear of leaving Hotaru unprotected. He had to kill them before they got close enough.
In his mind's eye Archer formed Caladbolg II and release it as a broken phantasm. There was a flash and an explosion as the arrow struck, creating another miniature crater. Without hesitating Archer spun around and fired a second, identical arrow at another beast.
The firing became automatic, Archer in his own world of create, acquire target, fire, create... He was unsure how many monsters he had killed, but he was beginning to grow weary and his mana would last for only so long. Not only that, but he didn't get all the monsters in time, more and more often one got close enough to strike at him before he dispatched it. He was going to have to grab Hotaru and run.
"Time to go Hotaru," he shouted. Without further hesitation he fired several last shots before picking up the girl in his arms in preparation to get out of the forest as fast as possible.
Violet eyes widened in startlement as she was scooped up, face reddening in surprise. Remembering that she was supposed to have at least some degree of animosity towards him because he had left her, she tried to work up a scowl but failed. Glancing up at Archer, she stretched out very faintly with her own power, feeling for the familiar twinge of magic that was distinctly Archer. Acting partially on instinct, and perhaps partially on her own feelings, she placed one palm against the flat planes of his chest, directing her own energy easily through the channels of magic, feeling his mana levels spike and hit the top of their capacity, threatening to overflow
Archer gasped and nearly stumbled as he felt the familiar sensation of mana flooding into him. There was no doubt as to its source, the small girl was placing a hand to chest, filling him to capacity. If there was ever any doubt in his mind that this girl had once been his Master, it was gone now. No one else could know how to do that.
"You... you filled me up," he said.
She gave him a look that seemed to say "duh...", and nodded. "Just because you forgot everything doesn't mean that I did. I still remember how to do it like that." Glancing away, cheeks turning slightly red, she muttered to herself. "But I like the other way better…”
If Archer thought that her giving him mana stunned him, what she said about "the other way" did even more so. His feet seemed to tangle beneath him and he stumbled, grunting as his knees hit the ground. Archer was careful not to drop Hotaru though, nor to slow down. There were still a lot of monsters around.
"What... you're just a kid! There's no way... that's just wrong!" Archer protested. Perhaps he protested more than he would have due to the fact that she was wearing some sort of uniform with a short skirt and he was holding her rather closely to himself at the moment.
Violet eyes snapped with restrained anger as mouth turned down into a frown. She'd about had it with the age thing. It hadn't mattered before, and while she realized that this Archer was different, he was still the same age. Physically, somewhere in his late teens. But he probably thought, just like so many other people did, that she wasn't even IN her teens. "Archer, how old do you think I am?”
The Servant could feel the anger coming from the tiny girl and for a moment he was slightly worried. He had seen what she could do. But no, it didn't seem like she wanted to do things like that and somehow he knew that she wouldn't hurt him.
But Archer knew this was some sort of feminine trap. He didn't know how he was aware of it, but some instinct told him that there was no way he could answer this question and save face.
"Too young, that's for sure," was all he said.
She bristled at the comment, reminded of another time when he had told her she was "too young". Voice dropping to an icy snap that could have frozen lava, she fixed deadly purple gaze on him and continued in that dangerously quiet tone. "No. For your information, Archer, since you seem to have forgotten, I am 16 years old, born on the 5th of January, and perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”
Archer bristled at the comment him seeming to have forgotten her age. It wasn't his fault damn it! As if he didn't feel bad enough about that already, did she keep having to bring it up? And there was no way in hell she was sixteen. Oh, Archer wanted to believe she was, since he would feel a bit more comfortable about how he felt seeing her in that costume.
"Sixteen? That's... You hardly look thirteen," he growled.
"That's what happens when you grow up sickly with a body that needs machines to help it run." She sighed, seeming perfectly comfortable just perched in his arms. Not that she weighed much, she was such a little thing afterall. Hotaru hated the fact that she looked so young, so juvenile. It wasn't as though she could do much about it, however. Her body had been destroyed when she was a child, torn and mangled. And then her father had rebuilt it, used technology and the powers he received from the demons to breathe life into the ruined shell that was his daughter. But that body had still never been strong. It had never aged the same, never grown "properly". And because of that, she remained stunted, frail, youthful. Growing and aging, certainly. But just so slowly.
For some reason Archer felt like he was being scolded unfairly, like he was a school child who had forgotten the answers to a test. And he wasn't saying she was ugly or anything like that, in fact it was the opposite, she just looked young. Too young to be transferring mana via "the other way" for sure.
Looking ahead, Archer saw that they were nearly out of the forrest. Thank God, he thought. I can't take much more of this. Whether it was the running or Hotaru though, he wasn't sure.
"You can't blame me for thinking you're younger than sixteen," he told her, finally slowing down as he exited the forest. "It's not as if I said you were too ugly for me to imagine that, just too young."
Archer slowly lowered her to the ground. "I happen to think you're rather..." But before he could finish his sentence, Archer collapsed from exhaustion and blood loss.
Well, she knew he wasn't saying she was ugly. Archer wasn't the type to beat around the bush about those sorts of things. If he thought she was ugly, he'd likely just outright say it. That still didn't mean she liked being told she looked like a child. Sighing slightly as he set her on her feet, she turned to thank him for his help just in time to see him crumple to the ground. Eyes widened, she caught him, her slight form staggering under his larger body, dropping to her knees. Even if she couldn't hold him up, she could at least break his fall with her own body. Easing him to the ground, she mentally pondered for a moment before small hands went to work on the buckles that held his armour on. He'd probably yell at her later, since he'd told her in the past that he only took it off in one instance, but she really didn't care right now. He was bleeding, badly. And she couldn't see where it was coming from. The armour needed to come off. Now. Nimble fingers soon had the irritating piece of armour off to where she could see the nasty wounds that were causing the bleeding. Placing palms over the oozing rents, she concentrated, pouring her own energy into him, watching as flesh knitted itself together beneath her touch.
Archer groaned as his armor was taken off, the movements aggravating the wounds under there. He wasn't entirely conscious but he was aware of something happening to him. In his brief moments of lucidity he thought it odd that dying this time was not at all like the last time. He was pretty sure that's what was happening to him, he had pushed himself too hard when he was wounded and now he was going to bleed to death.
So it came as a shock to him when he felt himself get stronger instead of weaker, whatever was threatening to drain him of his life had suddenly ceased. He could feel tiny hands pressing against his chest in a very pleasant manner as a strange sense of power flowed through him. His eyes fluttered open and he looked down at his bloody chest, noticing that there were no longer any gashes there.
"Shit," he whispered. "Is there anything you can't do?"
Most people might have beamed, or hugged him, or smiled and jokingly shook their heads. Or even blushed and looked embarrassed. Instead, she carefully set hands in her lap and looked away, expression sad. "Be normal..."
Archer instantly felt guilty - how the hell could one girl he didn't even know make him feel so guilty? - for the question he had just asked. Grunting, he raised his head until he could prop himself up on and elbow. Reaching out he hesitantly took her hand in his.
"Hey," he said. "Nothing wrong with different. Normal people are boring. Besides, if you were normal I'd be dead right now. Th... thank you for healing me..."
Her small fingers gave a gentle squeeze to his hand as she looked down at the other bloodied hand that rested in her lap. "You're welcome. Thank you...for protecting me, like you always did." Normal wasn't interesting, he'd said. And while she could see how that would be true for some, for her "normal" had always been something she'd craved. "Different...just means you're a freak. That everyone hates you, and is afraid of you."
Archer's eyes narrowed in anger, not at the girl but whoever had made her believe something like that. He may not remember being in love with her but it was easy to see that she was someone special. She didn't deserve to feel like this.
"So is that what you think about people who are different?" Archer asked. "That they're freaks to be hated and afraid of?"
"Of course I don't. But it doesn't matter what I think. Afterall, I'm the freak."
She held up her hand, as though studying it. With a simple mental command, her fuku melted back into the normal black of her everyday clothes, tiara vanishing from her face.
"I've....been a freak since I was little. Because I could heal. And the fact that my body was weak, because of the accident...that just made it worse."
Archer watched in fascination as her outfit changed before his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was glad that the enticing outfit was gone or sad to see it go.
"You're only a freak in the strictest sense of the word," Archer told her. As bad as he felt for her, he wasn't one to let someone wallow in self pity. "You're an aberration, that doesn't make you bad. And how does it not matter what you think? What you think about yourself makes all the difference. How does it make you feel when I say that I'm only a Servant, nothing but a weapon for a Master? Who you say you feel you are has everything to do with it. Do you feel like you're a freak, something to be afraid of? Is that the real problem?"
She was silent for a moment before she simply glanced up at him, voice quiet. "I destroyed my entire world. Killed every living thing and Silenced it all. Isn't that something to be afraid of?" True, she hadn't had a choice in the matter. To let Pharoah-90 plunge the world into darkness had been the greater of two evils, the Silence being the only answer she had seen. But...that didn't make it feel any better knowing that she had been the cause of her world's demise. And hadn't the other senshi been right, as much as she thought it was wrong? They had tried to kill her, to save the world before her powers could awaken. Hotaru thought that was wrong, to judge someone based on what they couldn't help. But hadn't they been right?
"Hmph," Archer snorted. "Somehow I doubt that it happened just like that. I've..." Archer almost said "just met you" but caught himself just in time, "come to see you're not the kind of person that would do something like that so casually."
Even as he spoke, Archer was a bit unsettled by her words. What he had seen back in the forest was an impressive display of power but it wasn't the sort of thing that could destroy and entire world. Oddly enough, he wasn't afraid of her in the least. Archer had developed finely honed instincts that helped alert him to any potential danger. For all her destructive capability, he wasn't scared of Hotaru any more than if she had been a normal 16 year old girl.
"Look at you, you cried after killing those monsters, those things would have torn you to shreds and not thought anything of it," he said. "You're just as bad as Shiro," he kidded, still having trouble believing he had once been that boy. "Your actions and motivations make you a monster Hotaru. You may have the ability and sometimes the actions to be a monster, but no offense, you severely lack the motivation."
"The other me doesn't.." It was said so quietly, so softly as to be nearly inaudible as she ran fingertips through the grass at her feet, mind reaching back to touch the sleeping portion of her mind that contained the destructive potential of the planet of Silence. She might not have the motivation to destroy, to kill, to harm. Certainly, she only fought to defend herself or those dear to her. But her other self....Saturn....she was different. She cared for nothing, save the cleansing of the world through the Silence. In fact, the cleansing of anything through Silence.
"The other you?" Archer asked skeptically. He supposed that what he saw back in the forrest might as well have been another person all together.
"Heh, you just don't get it do you?" he asked. "Not wanting to do those things, not liking doing those things, trying not to do them, that makes you not a monsters. The fact that you have some part of you that doesn't feel that way... is that really you if it's so opposite your beliefs or is it something that just inhabits you?"
Hotaru shook her head. He was the one that didn't really get it. "It's...complicated." With a sigh, she drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "In my world, there are 9 people who are given the blessings of the planets. They protect the reborn Princess who will be the future Queen. Each planet bestows a certain gift on it's chosen soldier. I'm...one of them. A thousand years ago, we served Princess Serenity of the Moon Kingdom. When the Dark Kingdom attacked, and the Silver Millenium was destroyed, Queen Serenity used the last of her power to send all of us, with her daughter, to the future to be reborn, in the hopes that we could have a normal life." She concentrated, drawing on the slightest bit of power, the symbol of Saturn appearing in pale violet on her forehead. "I live under the watch of Saturn. The planet of destruction. Through all the ages, the soldier of Saturn has never been allowed to wake. She's always been kept in stasis, sleeping. Because it was said that were she to awaken, she would bring about the end of the world." Glancing away, she let the power fade, the sigil vanishing. "The other senshi discovered that I carried that power, even though I myself had no idea. They wanted to kill me, in order to keep Saturn from ever awakening. They said it was the only way to protect the world from Silence. But...it didn't work. The power of Saturn is like a live thing. It consumes you, and cares for nothing but it's purpose. I always have it whispering in the back of my mind, begging and pleading for destruction. And....I can't make it go away. Ever."
"So you have a power inside of you that wants to... destroy things?" Archer asked, trying to understand everything. And he thought not having a past was complicated...
"You really think that's who you are? Hotaru look at me... I have come and seriously fucked up your life and what did you say to me? That even more than wanting me to remember loving you, you wanted me to remember my past... you are one lousy Soldier of Destruction."
"You didn't screw up my life, Archer...." He was right, in a way. If she wanted to think on it that way, then she really was a rather lousy soldier of destruction. But maybe that was because the role had been imposed upon her by destiny's hand, not by any choice of her own. The timid girl who healed, forced to wear the mantle of destruction on her small shoulders.
Archer couldn't help but let a small smirk of a smile form on his lips. Even in the midst of this she was still trying to be nice to him. If he hadn't been so touched by it he almost would have thought it slightly pathetic, the notion was so foreign to him.
"I'm sure that's why your friends left me all those nice messages on that journal thing," he replied. "The funny thing about power though Hotaru, sometimes you get it without asking for it. But if you really want it and what you do with it says a lot about you. You have the strength to rule everything here, to oppress everyone... yet you don't... and what's more is you wish that you weren't able to."
"I'm sorry they were mean to you..." She really was, even though her friends seemed to think he deserved it. As much as it hurt her, it wasn't his fault that he didn't remember her. She stared down at the tops of her shoes, biting her lower lip. She missed him. Missed him so much more then she'd ever thought she would. And having him here, with her, but still so far away....well, that only made it harder.
Archer leaned over and bumped her shoulder lightly, trying to break her out of her melancholy mood. It didn't seem right that this girl was so sad.
And I make her this way, he reminded himself. That's why it's foolish for me to do anything other than look for my Master. I'm just going to have to leave again.
"It's okay," Archer told her. "I can understand why they did it. It's a pretty messed up situation and... Hotaru please understand... it's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's that I can't. Even if I remembered who I was I would still be a Servant. I wish I could be what you want me to but the reality of it is that when the Holy Grail War ends, I'll be gone again and there's nothing I can do about it."
With a sigh, she turned slightly towards him, picking up one of his hands. "Archer....you're the one that doesn't understand." Carefully lifting the hand, she placed it over her chest, over the silence where a heartbeat should have sounded. "Even the dead are free here. You're not a Servant in this place. You're just...Archer."
"Did you say dead?" he asked. "You mean not everyone here is alive? Y-you're not alive?"
Archer looked at her closer, but he couldn't see anything different between her and himself. "You don't look very dead."
Hotaru nodded softly. She'd thought he would have noticed. The way her skin always seemed slightly chilled, the way she tended to not breathe if she got too lost in thought. "I died in the Silence, with the rest of my world. That's when...I came here. This place is...apart from reality. When you die here, you don't leave. You just....keep existing. The only difference is...you're trapped here."
Archer was stunned by her words, and by their implication. The fact that she was dead didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. All of the Servants in the Holy Grail War were dead.
"You could have let me die," Archer said. "Just now, you could have let me die and I would never be able to leave you. But you didn't. I... why?"
He was right. She could have done just that. And it wasn't as though the thought hadn't momentarily passed her mind. But...it had only been a fleeting thought. Letting him die? That was...something unthinkable. "Trapping you here....wouldn't make you love me again... Besides....what sort of person condemns the one they love the most?"
Archer didn't understand how she could do such a thing, but he knew it was probably one of the most noble, sacrificing things he had ever seen from someone. And her words... the one she loved the most. He wish she wouldn't talk like that about him. He wasn't that person anymore, if he ever really had been. Still her actions had proved the point he had been trying to make the whole time.
"See," he said, a smug smile passing across his face. "Now how can you deny you're not a monster. You just put someone else's needs above your own. Shiro would say that makes you a Hero of Justice. Not a monster."
A slight nod, then she glanced back up at him, cocking her head to one side. "Why won't you believe me, that you're just Archer here?" She wished there was a way to convince him, to make him see that there was a very real chance that he didn't have a Master in this place, that he could be his OWN Master.
Archer looked away from her accusing eyes. How could he explain it to her? He didn't even know himself, did he?
You know why, he told himself. You're just afraid of the truth.
Still, she had been completely honest with him and had saved his life, even though letting him die meant he would be in this place forever, where she was. He owed her the truth.
"Because if I'm not a Servant, then I'm not anything," he said quietly. "I have no memories of who I am. I don't remember anything. Even when you told me... it's like hearing a story about someone else. I don't remember my parents... or my adoptive father I guess. I don't remember Rin before she was my Master, I don't remember Saber when she was my Servant. I'm just a... a shell of a person. I know how to fight and that's it. I can't believe that's all there is to me Hotaru. I have to believe that I'm a Servant, and therefore I have a purpose."
"That's not true. You're you. You're whoever you want to be, Archer. That's what freedom is. It means you get to decide for yourself what your purpose is, what you do with your life. If you don't have memories...then you can make new ones." She didn't want him to be depressed, she wanted him to understand that there was more to him then the role he placed for himself. She just hoped her words would get through. If not...there was one way she knew that she could make him face the truth. That he wasn't a Servant here. That he was just Archer.
Archer frowned and shook his head. He wished it was that simple but it wasn't. You couldn't just create a new life for yourself, could you? Your life was dictated by your beliefs, your beliefs dictated by your experiences. Archer had no experiences to base his beliefs on.
"I wish I could," he said. "But I don't even know why I'm the way I am right now. I don't know why I make one choice versus the other. I can't live like that. Being a Servant... it's all I know. I have to believe that once I'm done being a Servant, I'll get my memories back."
"Archer...." She didn't really know what to say. She could try and back him into a corner, make him face the truth, but...that didn't seem right. "Ne Archer....I want you to try something for me, sometime."
Archer could see that again his words had hurt the girl, but he wouldn't take them back. Anything else would be lying to her, and he really didn't want to do that. That would just do more damage in the long run. And he appreciated her understanding of the whole situation. If she wanted him to try something, it certainly wouldn't hurt. He knew Hotaru would never do anything to harm him.
I just wish she could say the same thing about me, that seems to be all I do to her, he mused.
"Okay," he said with a nod. "What is it?"
"Replenish your own mana. Just try it." She knew it would be rough for him, that the realization would probably hurt. But...he needed to understand, needed to know the truth.
"Hotaru I can't repl..." Archer began before catching himself. "I see. If I can replenish my own mana then I'm not a Servant, I'm a sorcerer, which means I'm here as Shiro and not Archer..."
Archer frowned at that thought. He didn't want to be Shiro, memories or no memories. The fact was that he didn't like the boy and thought him a naive fool. Even if he had obviously changed a lot... he didn't think he could ever think of himself as Shiro. Only Archer.
"Alright, I'll try it sometime," he told her. "I promise."
Not now though, he couldn't try it now. Because he knew he couldn't, and if he couldn't... it would crush Hotaru and he didn't think he could be here when that happened. It may be cowardly but he just couldn't.
"In the mean time... I think we both need a bath."
She nodded, with a gentle smile. She knew there was a good chance that he wouldn't do it, but she could at least hope. "Ok." Looking at herself, she wrinkled her nose at the dirt that was smudged on her skin, mixed with little bits of blood and other grime. He was right.
Archer gathered his armor and jacket in his arms and stood up. He could repair them with sorcery later. Especially since Hotaru filled him up.
Although if what she says is right...
No, he wouldn't think on that now. There was no need to try because it couldn't happen. It was only a matter of time until he found a Master. It had to be only a matter of time...
"Do you live far from here?" Archer asked, offering a hand down. "I... I could walk you home if you wanted me to."