tampered | (no subject)

Current Mood: calm

(no subject)

When; June 8th. Just after midnight.
Rating; PG-13, maybe? Dunno yet!
Characters; Kamui (

for_destiny)
Summary; Ho'snap, are they actually going to have an argument? Maybe... maybe...
Log;

Click. Kamui flipped the channel of the living room TV once more, trying to let the sounds and pictures blank out his mind. Too bad it wasn't working so well. He was... curious and a bit worried at the moment: Jowy had left so abruptly hours ago, carrying his staff with him, saying no more than a mention of going to practice.

Of course, Kamui was used to Jowy wanting to practice, but... this had to have been the first time he hadn't invited Kamui to come along. Also the first time they hadn't said proper good-byes to each other, and... it was worrisome. Kamui just hoped Jowy would come home soon. He wanted to know what was going on.

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When you keep things inside, you don't realize you've accumulated so much until it's simply... threatening to burst. There was never a reason to burst before. Anger and other kinds of emotions and thoughts towards and about Riou and Nanami often found its way out back then. They got to each others nerves sometimes, naturally, but eventually they usually found a way to talk to each other about it. Frustrations stemming from his unloving step-father and half-brother found a sympathetic ear in his mother. Even when he was on the Highland side, where pressures ran high and threatened to catch up to him, there was Leon Silverberg and, sometimes, Lucia, to listen and sometimes to help.

Within the perimeters of the city, there was no one now to talk with like that. Though the friendship between him and Riou was curiously redeemed, it was far from the tight bond it had been before. There was, or rather, had been Freyjadour, but the Falenan Prince looked to have found a way back. To be honest, Jowy hadn't noticed until now, however embarrassing the fact was. There was his lover, of course. Kamui would no doubt eagerly listen to his problems.

However, Kamui was a part of the problem. Jowy didn't want to make Kamui feel miserable.

He still did not wish for Kamui to feel any miserable but Jowy was on the verge of bursting. The things had piled up and he was already beginning to think of things that he knew he shouldn't be thinking, yet, that is. He knew there was no such thing as an infallible relationship but he had never really tried talking about all this with Kamui. It would be unfair and hurtful, and extremely selfish of him to follow spur-of-the-moment thoughts without actually doing some work.

Didn't they say they were trying to see if this relationship worked? If he never talked, if he gave up, if he did nothing, then it would not work at all.

He arrived back at the door of his apartment covered with sweat and dirt. Was it an hour or two he had been sparring on his own or almost against his own thoughts? However long it was, his mind was clearer. He'd already made a list of things to bring up on his way back and he was ready. A shower could wait too. As he gripped his staff in one hand tightly and hoped for strength, he pushed the door open and declared his arrival to Kamui with a subdued smile and an apology.

The moment the door opened, Kamui shot up from his position on the couch, initially planning to practically tackle his lover, but pausing. "Is... is something..." that smile was wrong, the way he was acting was wrong, so... "Is something wrong, Jowy?"

Despite the other's messy state, Kamui still slowly wrapped his arms around him, hugging for a moment before pulling back, worried more now.

Jowy hesitated, he didn't know if he could really talk about this to Kamui.

He told himself that he had to, however. It was inevitable and he wasn't weak. He was through with beating around the bushes. Hadn't he handled far greater problems than this? At least, this was between the two of them, Kamui and him. "We need to talk," he said softly. He was firm in his delivery of this. He didn't waver or sound hesitant.

He pressed his forehead against Kamui lightly and then carefully pulled away, to close and lock the door behind them properly. After that, he took Kamui's hand in his, left his staff leaning against the wall by the sofa, and sat. He held one of Kamui's hands in his.

"I've thought about it and we have to talk about a number of things." Jowy didn't let Kamui speak until he was finished. "It's been difficult for me to watch you get hurt from Fuuma. It bothered me that you would even think of go to Fuuma like that, but I let it go. I realized that I have to address this matter because you keep on having such a visibly amiable relationship with not just Fuuma but Seishirou too. I admit, I may be slightly jealous? But, first and foremost, I hate seeing you ignore the hurt they've done to you. I know I have hurt you myself, but these men don't hesitate to torment you without external suggestion. I want you to take better care of yourself, Kamui, and it hurts when you keep approaching them, Fuuma especially, knowing very well what they can do to you base on what they've done."

Kamui blinked at Jowy for a moment, rather... confused. Okay, so, he hadn't expected this at all. "Jowy..." more blinking, trying to think of how to put all the thoughts running through his head, "you worry too much."

Oh, right now he so wanted to talk about how he could take care of himself in these cases, and that if he got hurt, it was his own weakness, but... no. He and Jowy were supposed to be taking care of each other; a problem of Kamui's would end up being a problem of Jowy's. "You don't have to think about Seishirou so much anymore. The version of him here now... I want nothing to do with him, aside from keeping him away from those I care about."

He paused, "as for Fuuma, though..." head turned away and eyes downcast, "that's more complicated..."

Jowy expected that. He had been thinking about that. Once, before, he thought he had a similar relationship with Riou but whatever it was between Kamui and Fuuma, it was far deeper. He voiced his relief to Kamui's declaration about Seishirou, and then, for the admission about Fuuma, he eased into a thoughtful silence. He calmed himself, gathered his thoughts, and told himself not to waver and crumble. "I understand your relationship with Fuuma's importance, we'll get to that. For now, Kamui, do you think you could refrain from meeting with him personally? I won't stop you from talking from him though I really would rather you didn't, but I want to ask you to please stop seeing him."

It was not even the possibility of a sexual contact that bothered Jowy so much. It was just the thought that these two were together, despite their violent history, alone like an odd couple, talking so familiarly. He had to admit to himself it was selfish on him to want to put an end to that, but it felt terrible whenever it happened. He'd thought they could be having private conversations behind his back, of the nature far from the kind Riou and him had. It wasn't like he didn't have private conversation with friends from his world as well, but he just couldn't ease the nagging thought that something he didn't like could be going on under his nose.

Stay away from Fuuma in person? That would just... hurt. Jowy didn't seem to understand. "Jowy, to stay away from Fuuma... it's not... I don't know if I can. We are fated twin stars. We're drawn to each other naturally, I think." He pulled his hand from Jowy's, scooting away a bit. "And even if it's not that... it's Fuuma. Maybe not in soul anymore, but he still looks like my best friend, and I just want to be close whenever I can." Nevermind there was a certain dark appeal of this new Fuuma, too... even though Kamui was more than able to resist recently.

"He's an ass now, though. I know that." A frustrated sigh, the kind a mother would give over her trouble child. "When he was sick he was such a demanding little bastard. Clean this Kamui, rub my tummy, rub my shoulders make me soup!" Annoyed huff.

That hurt but it was a straight and honest answer. Jowy wouldn't have it any other way. Kamui may not have said it directly, but he might as well have said there was no way he could do that. What was he supposed to say? He found himself speechless for a few moments. He wanted Kamui's touch, but clearly, the brunet had retreated away from him. It wasn't futile, was it? Hadn't Kamui said so himself, if not someone else, that this would be an upward hill battle? The problem was whether he could continue upwards, if he would last, or even, if this was worth it. It was painful and Jowy did not want to give up just yet, but when would it be enough?

Finally, he spoke. He kept his eyes away from Kamui, only watching the other boy from the edge of his sight. He clasped his fingers together. Vaguely, he wondered if the bond between Black Sword and Bright Shield were like that. Probably not, he told himself when he thought of bringing that up in comparison. "And you won't mind no matter how much he hurts you?"

"He doesn't... always..." His head ducked, trying to hide his watering eyes. Sure, it was true that Fuuma didn't ALWAYS hurt him, but more often than not, he did. And Kamui never fought back. "It's the gentle moments that make me happy."

Kamui flopped backward, palm covering his eyes as he laughed bitterly. "It's so stupid. I know... I know what will happen in the end, everytime. That hand touching my face so sweetly will suddenly start choking me, or toss me against a wall, but the softness in the beginning... it's almost like he's back." Not crying, damn it, not crying. He could feel the tension between him and Jowy right now, and he didn't want it. "Maybe I just don't want to let go of my friend. For a while I thought I had learned, but I guess not. Pathetic, right?"

Months ago, he remembered, this crying young man in front of him had traded his very existence just to get back the 'old Fuuma', even if he himself would not have been able to see the result. He realized then, that his list had crumbled from item one. This was what they would be talking about, only.

Should he touch him? Or not? Jowy's insecurities manifested themselves. Was it right? Was it appropriate? He stopped at that thought and realized he thought too much about those two questions, far too much.

He'd lost many things by just telling himself it was not right. He'd been paying far too much attention on what would look good on him as a person, that he'd made so much mistakes. The realization was sickening.

He placed a hand over Kamui's face, tracing a tear-streaked cheek with his thumb before finally pulling the younger boy towards him into his chest. Now, he tried to think about it in another light. All along, he had meant to fix this and keep going. It was a simple and clear choice. It would be for Kamui. It would also mean he would play the good lover, the kind and forgiving and gentle lover.

What if he were to take the meaner road and tell Kamui there was no future for their relationship? That Kamui had said his choice himself. It had been his choice all along.

Fuuma.

Did Jowy think Kamui would be able to get over his 'friendship' with Fuuma? He thought not. No matter how much Fuuma hurt Kamui, Kamui would take the good and ignore the bad. It would happen over and over again and Jowy could not possibly imagine feeling helpless all the time knowing how foolish picking a fight with Fuuma would be. Powers aside, to fight fire with fire in this matter would be pretty pathetic. Especially when, he admitted to himself, Kamui would be the one to bring it upon himself more than half of the time.

He still, sincerely, wanted Kamui's happiness and safety, however. If he were to end it here, where would Kamui run to? What would Kamui do? Jowy felt he knew enough to know what Kamui would do.

"Kamui... It's not your fault you're hung up with Fuuma like this." It's fate, you said it yourself, didn't you? Whether or not it was fate at work, the fact that Kamui saw it that way was just as powerful. "Do you love me, Kamui?"

Kamui had relaxed against Jowy, naturally melting into him, but then suddenly stiffening at that final question. What the hell was he implying? How could he question that? How could he...

No, no... calm down. "You MORON." Okay, so maybe not so calm. "Seriously." He pulled back, taking Jowy's face in his hands so he had to look him straight in the eye. "I love you. Of course I love you. I don't take those things lightly." A sharp, determined look took over, Kamui taking a calming breath. "And if you even think about really questioning that, I'll slap you. Hard."

He let go, studying Jowy a bit and looking oddly thoughtful. "Do you think I like Fuuma better than you?" In a way he did, there was a deeper attachment, but... it wasn't something healthy. Kamui knew that now. "Fucked up relationships and being used as a toy isn't fun. You've made me want better. You've made me want a future, and with Fuuma, there wouldn't be one." What was he babbling about now? "I mean... I know I'm drawn to Fuuma, and I'm attached to him, but it's not... I have chosen you."

The younger sat back once more with a sigh. "Sorry, none of this makes sense, does it?" Hell, Kamui confused himself half the time with his own emotions. He knew he was complicated.

The outburst made Jowy smile a little. "I'm glad." But... He knew this wasn't going to fix itself just like that. He had to be completely honest to Kamui now or he may never get a chance to say it.

"Kamui, I've grown to love you, but-" Brutally honest, he told himself. "I can't stand it." The way Fuuma spoke, the way Kamui would eagerly speak to him and sometimes suggestively; all this, Jowy couldn't stand. "I want to be able to, but I can't. It gets me curiously angry sometimes-" He glared ahead while his voice became steely. "And sometimes I feel betrayed. I don't think I'll be able to keep from breaking or snapping, something bad. At least not-" He stopped himself and sighed. The admittance came as if in a sigh of defeat, "while I tell myself I'm in a romantic relationship... with you."

"You..." Kamui looked to his lover with a pained, regretful look, "I didn't know you felt this way. Fuuma and I... he teases me to provoke me, I think. To play with me... and sometimes I want to play right back, but others... I want to kick his ass." Just like a screwed-up version of best friends, even though they weren't anymore. Right? "I had no idea it bothered you that much."

After a moment more of thought, he took the other's hand again. "If it hurts you... I will try my hardest not to talk to him. I'll do anything for you. It's just that he knows how to piss me off. It's hard not to react." He gave the other a small, sheepish smile, "You know... that my temper is kind of..." Bad would be an understatement, at least when Fuuma and Seishirou were involved.

Then he thought of something as he reflected on how much pain this brought the other, burrowing his face in Jowy's shoulder to try to not cry at the sheer thought, "You would be happier without me, wouldn't you..."

"I don't think so. I think I would have been the same," Jowy replied after a while. He took another thoughtful pause after that. He thought about what to do, and how they could salvage this. Against the big Fuuma wall, there was little he could do and it all rode on Kamui now. Could Kamui do that for him? He wanted this but at the same time, he was afraid things could only get worse not only for him but for Kamui. Where were they headed after all? "But even if you do that for me," Jowy began softly. "Isn't it true it's possible you may never get over Fuuma? You said it yourself, it must be your fate." He couldn't resist sighing about that. There it was, fate again. "I care for you, Kamui. I don't want you hurting yourself... or forcing yourself to stop talking with Fuuma. I love you? But more than that, I care for you and that... that's what keep me to you. I worry about you. I don't want you to keep doing things that hurt you and... I can live without sex, without having you exclusively as long as I can be assured I can take care of you."

He just. wasn't. getting this. "Jowy, you're not having to share with anyone. Even if..." he didn't want to think about breaking up, knowing it could shatter what sanity he'd managed to dredge up from being in a normal relationship, "I would never be with anyone else. Fuuma and I couldn't be that way. I care about him... very much... but I'm not stupid enough to think good things would come of it."

A deep breath, and Kamui started shaking, crying a little now on Jowy's shoulder. "You don't understand this at all, Jowy! You think when I say fate, that I mean Fuuma is meant to be with me. That's not it. We're meant to draw each other because one of us has to kill the other!" Finally, he looked back up to Jowy with watery eyes, knowing how damned pathetic he was being, but Jowy wasn't understanding ANY of this. "You gave me hope of a normal life, with someone I love. If that's gone, all that's left for me is to die by Fuuma's hand." His dependence was showing now; Jowy being the only thing stopping him from seriously pursuing a final battle with Fuuma. "Thinking of a future with you is all that I have..." Pathetic, truly pathetic.

Did Kamui really think that? Did he really think himself completely incapable of achieving a normal life... by himself?

"You have to have a little faith in yourself, Kamui," Jowy said softly. He placed his hands on Kamui's shoulders and gently pushed him from him, so he could be face-to-face with the other and their eyes could meet. "Even without me, you have friends that will no doubt support you. You can make new ones too. You're not a very hard person to love..." Did he sound like he was going to break up? He hoped not. He hadn't really thought about that move, yet.

As for fate... "As for fate. Kamui, Riou taught me that fate is nothing compared to the power of wills. If you don't want to fight him, then don't. In the end, that very belief that you don't have any choice... will trap you in a circle of pain and self-pity. I don't want you to think that!" He stopped himself there and sighed. Did he even believe that? Only because it had worked for him, and even then, he wasn't completely sold to the idea. Still, he felt that needed to be said. At the very least, he knew what it felt like to surrender his life to destiny.

It felt terrible and hopeless. If Destiny were a God to be worshiped, then it was cruel God offering no hope and comfort to some of its followers. Only death.

He closed his eyes and let go of Kamui's shoulders to lean back on the sofa and sigh. "Do you really want to hear? What think about Fuuma? And what I want?" he whispered.

Kamui was quiet, sinking into the couch as he listened to the other. He used to think that fate didn't exist -that the will to do something was all that mattered- but his experiences... they showed him otherwise. He wanted to believe, he really did, but...

"I do want to know... what you want. What you think," his voice was merely a whisper as well. Maybe if he knew more, he could fix this?

"I think you really do love him, Kamui." Jowy began sharply and without a falter. He only opened his eyes and stared hard ahead. "I think there's no way for you to give up on those kind of feelings. Inside you, there's something that desperately hopes Fuuma reverts back to his old self. And if he did, it doesn't matter who you're with, you'll leave them for Fuuma." A pause. "I know that and I understand that. Knowing this, seeing this obstacle? I've thought of getting rid of him, you know? It's not completely impossible. The greatest of men can fall with proper cunning. Destiny? He's not even from our world. I have half of a True Rune on my right hand. Do you know what True Runes are? Essentially deities from our world. Holding immeasurable power, capable of decimating whole cities and all that really matters... is your will. The Sword to cut through anything, almost reminiscent of the Sword from the creation... Its only flaw was that it drew life... and even then, what's Fuuma? I was weak. I lost sight of its true power." He stopped, acknowledging the quiet hum of the rune at the back of his mind and the cold glow of the mark, before continuing. "I'm not as kind as I wanted you to think. These hands have killed in cold blood and agreed to the slaughter of thousands."

How could he forget that? The Black Sword seemed to agree. He hated it, then, and he was ashamed, but it was nothing to be ashamed of. He did what he had to do. There was no more any shame in it now. All there was to do was move on.

"If you can't let go of Fuuma, I'll find a way for you to have no more reason to cling. I don't have to kill him? But seeing as you'll always be drawn to hurting yourself through him, I have to do something, don't I?" Finally, he turned to Kamui. "If you want to stay with me, we'll both have to work on your attachment to Fuuma. I'm not saying I would try and get rid of him so soon, but I'm prepared to take drastic measures. From here on, I won't stand by and be helpless."

To be rid of Fuuma, his childhood friend... did he want that? But Fuuma was closer to dead, really. Gone, and now there was only a demon wearing his skin. Maybe he really should move on. Move on and stay with Jowy, who had been so kind and loving and gentle with him so far. Fuuma... Fuuma would have wanted that for him, wouldn't he? The real Fuuma.

"I... I'm willing to work on it," he finally said, obviously upsetting himself. To think of Fuuma in past-terms... it hurt. Maybe this was mourning? "It's best to get over someone who is probably gone... r-right?"

That was what Jowy wanted to hear. There may be hope for them now. Though, it now meant there was a hard road ahead of them. Just as much as Kamui had many things work on, Jowy himself could not afford faltering.

"Yes. You've done all that you could," he said, finally breaking into a small, gentle smile. "I'll help you, Kamui. We'll work together... not even just that. Even with me, I want you to know that you can find happiness on your own, for yourself. The reason I'm staying, and we're staying together, is because we want to... not just because you need me. Right?"

Was that it? Was Jowy just Kamui's little security blanket? No, no... that wasn't quite right. Yes, he needed him to be stable still, but... he also wanted to be with him. He liked the way he felt around him, liked everything they did together... it all was nice. Sure, there were a few things lacking, but... no one was perfect?

"Yes, I... I want to be with you. I mean, right now, I also still need you... especially right now, but I mean..." He was too exhausted by all this drama to properly explain himself right now.

Jowy shook his head. He couldn't help but sigh as he pulled Kamui into his arms again. There, one warm hug. That was response enough from his part. All that was left to say was that if things concerning Fuuma didn't improve, he would have to cut himself off before he did something terrible and irreversible, or before he broke; whichevere happened first. However, Kamui should be able to tell by now.

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