tampered | Log; Ongoing

Log; Ongoing

When; June 25, Evening
Rating; PG?
Characters; Nanami

bright_shield
Summary; With Nanami's fate now known to her, these adoptive siblings have an awkward talk to get out of the way. Lots of angst to be had, no doubt!
Log;

A day playing in the snow turned out to be just what Nanami needed to take her mind off everything. Although she had spent nearly the entire night thinking about, and eventually accepting, her eventual death when she returned home, it was still a fresh wound, as it were, and therefore it still hurt. She didn't want to die, and she knew that was a normal reaction, but more than anything else, she didn't want Riou, or Jowy for that matter, to die. If she had to die so they could live, so be it.

After stepping into their apartment and dusting off the remainder of the powdery snow, Nanami pulled off the large coat she bought in the Square earlier in the day. There was no sign of movement in the apartment, and that worried her. If Riou was still unconscious, she really would have to find a healer and see if they couldn't help Riou wake up. Two days was much too long for him to be asleep as far as she was concerned.

"Riou? Are you awake yet?" Nanami tried calling into the silent apartment and started walking in the direction of his room.

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The first thing that Riou did upon awakening was wonder what day it was. The second thing he did was stare out the nearby window and gawk at the flurry of snowflakes falling thickly against the glass. It had been the height of summer when he had finally lost consciousness at the conclusion of that last horrid curse-- he couldn't possibly have been out for that long?!

Riou threw off the bedcovers and wandered over to press his head against the chill of the window glass. Outside, people were trundling back and forth along the snow covered paths, some of them pausing to toss handfuls of the fluff into the air or at each other. He had gotten rather used to passing out when he overused his rune during the war, and there had been the recent spate of rune draining while in the city, but sleeping through an entire season?! Perhaps it was another curse?

Riou looked for his tablet and, with an oath, found it nearby and broken. That was twelve-- and this one had survived so much already! He wondered if it could be repaired as he turned to Nanami's computer instead. She'd probably had a dozen or so litters of kittens if he had been unconscious that long.

Searching through the network, to his relief he found that it appeared he had been unconscious for merely a day or two. He was idly glancing through some of the past entries when he came across it...

...Hey! I saw you die once! It was so tragic!

Oh god... oh god... he stared in horror at the screen. He had put it off so long, searching for just the right words, trying to find a way that it could be avoided entirely... and it came out like this? In that way?

Oh Nanami...

And as if his thoughts had summoned her, Nanami's voice called out to him from elsewhere in the apartment. He staggered away from the computer and looked back helplessly as she appeared in the doorway. All his fault...

Too late, again.

"......Nanami"

His expression betrayed nothing. He knew that she knew. The urge that had been so strong the day before started to return, and Nanami wanted to throw her arms around Riou, bury her head in his shoulder and scream and cry until she couldn't feel anything.

But no, Nanami had worked past that. She bit her lip and focused on keeping calm. She'd be strong, she'd be strong. She put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes at her brother.

"So you're finally up, are you? Do you have any idea how worried I was?" She huffed and moved further into his room, though she pointedly avoided looking at him, staring out the window instead. "Hey, did you see that it's snowing? I've been out there all day, but if you wanted, we could both go out and enjoy it for a little while?"

She knew he wouldn't. Now that she knew she was going to die, they'd have to talk about it. She wanted to, but she didn't want to see so much pain in her brother's face.

Please don't look so scared, Riou...

If he continued to look like that, Nanami didn't know how strong she could be.

Riou silently watched his sister chattering on about the snow. So now she was the one trying to avoid the subject. But it lay thickly between them now, a dark shadow from his past, the looming spectre of her future. And there were already so many things lying between them, him and Nanami and Jowy, causing a distance that never used to be there.

It doesn't have to be that way...!

Riou slipped behind his adopted sister, wrapped arms around her, and held her close. "...I'm sorry," he said, his voice hardly above a whisper.

Even now, he had trouble speaking of it. The words still threatened to choke in his throat. He'd had months within the city to grieve, to prepare himself, to accept-- but no, at least in this matter the time for stalling had come to an end.

Nanami gasped and tears stung at her eyes at Riou's words and presence behind her. She was panicking, and losing the control that she had worked so hard to gain. She closed her eyes tightly and took several deep breaths to calm herself.

I'll be strong. I'll be strong.

Nanami repeated the mantra in her head and eventually she felt that she had control over herself again, her eyes opening slowly. She brought up one hand to grasp Riou's arm, and a wry smile crossed her face.

"Why are you apologizing? It's my decision, isn't it? As long as nothing happens to you..." she trailed off there, knowing that it probably wasn't what Riou wanted to hear.

The bitter smile faded into a mournful look and she squeezed Riou's arm.

I could never let anything happen to you...

Riou felt Nanami go still within his arms. He was upsetting her, as he knew he would but-- she had the right to know, didn't she? But not like that. And she had even asked him, but he--

"I should have been the one to tell you. I was being cowardly putting it off like that. And I--"

I couldn't save you. Even though you were right in front of me and I was supposed to be the defender, the healer...

But words of self-recrimination were not what she wanted to hear, were not what would help her anyway. And this was not about him and his grief and guilt, but about her, and the possibilities of her future. His arms tightened around his sister as she held unto him.

"It doesn't have to be that way. Don't go to Rockaxe."

And again, a bitter smile crossed her face. It wasn't that simple, was it? She couldn't imagine not going, knowing what might potentially happen to Riou. To Jowy. And if a messenger should come back to tell everyone that their leader was dead? She wouldn't be able to go on, especially knowing that she could have prevented such a thing from happening.

Nanami turned around in Riou's arms and reached out to bring Riou's head down slightly, kissing his forehead before resting her own forehead against his. She smiled hesitantly and looked directly at her brother, even though she knew she'd probably break down if she did so.

"And let something happen to my precious little brother? You know me better than that, Riou. I'd go crazy sending you off somewhere dangerous without me," Nanami said calmly, though she was teetering on the edge of crying.

And yet what came after Rockaxe was more dangerous still. Riou had been far from alone when he faced those dangers, surrounded by his fellow stars of destiny and an army-- a nation-- that has somehow come to think of him as their leader, but even still, without Nanami...

He leaned his forehead back against hers.

"But the one in the most danger here is you. It would be much safer, much simpler, if you just didn't go but..." His laugh was soft, short, and painful. "I won't be able to convince you of that, will I? At least, don't repeat the same mistakes that I-- we-- did before."

"No, you won't be able to convince me of that," she agreed, but thought over his last statement. How would she know?

"Riou...I...I don't want to die. I want to live to see the end of that stupid war and everyone's smiling faces, and maybe that Shu would finally let you go, but I..."

Nanami couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and she knew she was beyond the point where she could potentially stop them.

"I don't want anything to happen to you! I could never forgive myself if anything happened to you, Riou..."

She couldn't go on anymore, not now that she had lost the strength she had assured herself she had. She broke down into desperate sobs and buried her face in Riou's chest.

Riou's head bowed as he held unto Nanami, stroking her hair and back and trying to give what little comfort that he could. Tears welled up in his own eyes, but he blinked them back. His breaking down now would do little good for either of them.

"I want those things for you as well..."

I don't know what to do. I never do, flailing and stumbling without someone advising me but-- I can't stand back and let you die without at least trying. Trying to thwart fate. Again. How impertinent I must seem.

"Have hope, Nanami. It's not a choice between you or me... I know-- there must be a way for all of us to make it through. We'll find a way."

At least he'd learned a few things from his stay within the city. A different universe for every possible choice there ever is, was, or will be. Somewhere there existed a choice, a decision, a way beyond Rockaxe. Despite his best efforts, a single rebellious tear escaped, but his hands were too full to wipe it away.

Even if my past is set and the world I will always return to will be without you. At least you can live on in a different timeline...

Nanami managed to quiet her sobs somewhat, but didn't move. Instead she closed her eyes and clung desperately to Riou.

"I won't let you die. I won't ever let you die," she mumbled, the sound muffled by his shirt.

She remembered the emptiness after Grandpa Genkaku had died, and after Jowy had betrayed them, and when Pilika was used as a distraction to save their lives, and all the lives lost during the war. It hurt to be left behind, and she didn't want to cause more pain for Riou, but...

Nanami remembered Vash's words from the day before... Sometimes you need to make someone sad to keep them safe ...and she once again found that resolve she had reached.

She pulled away from her brother, knowing that if she held on she would lose whatever will she had left.

"I wouldn't want to risk it. No, I don't want to die, but I've accepted it. I wouldn't ever regret for a moment that I died protecting you, Riou..."

Nanami put her hands behind her back and smiled as brightly as she could at Riou, though she knew her face was probably ugly and puffy from all the crying.

"Do you know? I'm so happy that Grandpa Genkaku adopted me, because I got to meet him and Jowy...and you, Riou. Even though there's no blood relation between us, I really do love you. As if you were my real brother."

And I'm sorry for my weakness, when I'm supposed to be the one who supports you.

Riou froze as he stared back at Nanami. Those words, so similiar to what she had once spoken while lying within his arms as he had looked helplessly on, unable to heal her while the arrow still remained lodged within her chest. An arrow that would never be removed in time. The final thing she had said to him before-- before--

Why?

"--But it doesn't have to get to that point again! I-- made so many mistakes. It didn't have to be us who tried to burn the flag. I shouldn't have left the others behind to guard the passageway and gone on alone. I didn't have to fight Jowy-- we shouldn't have walked into the trap like that! And we both never should have leaped in the way of the arrows and tried to deflect them!"

"Riou..."

Nanami wanted, again, so desperately to move forward and hold her brother. So that maybe she could get caught up in those notions of a future where she didn't have to die, but she couldn't. She closed her eyes and sighed. There was probably nothing she could say to change his mind, just as she felt there was nothing he could say to change her mind. She opened her eyes again and smiled sadly.

"You really should listen to what your big sister tells you, you know? I've made up my mind, Riou. I'm not even there now, right? I'm here, with you, and I will be as long as I can."

With a sick twist, Riou felt something turn over in his chest. It was as he feared the most-- once Nanami realized what caused her death, she was bound to walk down the path to it. Because she had been protecting him. Him and Jowy and... before she knew, she had agreed to try and warn the others, his past self, against the mistakes that lay ahead of them. But now...

He had always believed in being as truthful as possible and letting others make their own decisions without trying to press his will upon another. He had gone against this when he had refused to kill Jowy over their destinies, when he had engaged Bright Shield in a battle of wills because of it. And now...

I can't accept fate so easily as that.

He was most probably being hypocritical. He might be meddling in something dangerous-- surely some of the others feared about fate, the timelines, destiny, and a myriad of other things that could be mucked up in the city. But even so...

"... you won't even try, then? To avoid the trap...?"

He would have to think of something better. Some way of getting a warning back to his other self or... God, the deities, or whatever help him, that there was enough time left to them for that. He'd utterly failed in his attempts to find a way back home, back to his responsibilities. That was over now. In this he must fare better, without upsetting her further. It may be impossible, especially if Nanami was determined to follow her fate, but hadn't that been the same regarding Jowy and the duel to the death?

At least I have to try...

"Riou, please don't," Nanami pleaded. She'd give in if he continued in that way, she knew she would. Although she was afraid to die, she was more afraid of what might happen if she didn't simply accept her fate. She simply couldn't accept that possibility.

She could feel his helplessness, and with that she couldn't deny the urge to hold him any longer. She closed the distance between them and hugged her brother close.

"Riou, please don't try to make me change my mind. I'm glad you care about me enough that you want to change things for me, but it's not worth it. It's really not worth it."

He was torn. How far did he dare press? This was her life that they were discussing. Yet a small part of him echoed that it was also her decision to make, a small part that was rather ruthlessly crushed by the part of him that said he did not need to be protected to the death. He didn't know how much time they had left together in this place and he didn't want to waste these precious moments arguing and upsetting her further, yet...

"It's worth it to me," Riou said simply as he held Nanami close.

A way of warning the others back home without letting Nanami know. Such may have been necessary anyway, as people often lost their memories of the city upon returning. A simple letter wouldn't do. A coded message-- Shu could probably be the one clever enough to find it. It had to be something that she would always carry with her, so if she was suddenly taken back-- but could things from the city even be brought back with a person? And so his gaze was distracted as he looked away from her.

Nanami couldn't help but smile and closed her eyes as she tightened her hold on her brother.

"You're really hopeless, you know? You don't ever listen to me, and you do reckless things..."

She trailed away, thinking through her next words. He didn't seem very happy when she had mentioned how happy she was to have been adopted by Genkaku so that she was able to meet them all, but it was the truth, wasn't it? She pulled away slightly, and once again reached up to gently knock Riou upside the head.

"But I really am glad that you're my brother, and not someone else. I'll never regret a moment of the time we spent together," she said and smiled again, hoping that Riou's solemn expression might melt a little.

But if an object couldn't be taken between worlds, what of something more permanent like a tattoo? In which case, Riou would have to grow used to living in the city permanently as Nanami would kill him. And even that wasn't foolproof, if she did retain her memories and hid the tattoo upon returning home. Unless he put it somewhere prominent where it couldn't be hidden. But he couldn't just disfigure her like that...

His thoughts were inevitably going in circles again when Nanami's knock to the head brought his attention and eyes back down to her. And what she was saying... still sounded like a goodbye to him.

If someone else was your brother, you might have lived longer.

"I-- I'm glad you're my sister too," he finally managed, but I will always, always have regrets. You were my sister, you are my sister... I won't give up so easily.

The hesitancy and seeming lack of sincerity in his last statement made Nanami's heart twist painfully. She was angry, and hurt, and sick of how much that whole conversation was upsetting them both. She roughly pushed her brother away, and felt tears sting at her eyes again.

No, I won't cry again. I'm sick of crying.

Nanami bit her lip sharply enough to draw blood, and focused on that pain to dispel the tears that threatened to fall again. She glared wildly at Riou, though she knew she couldn't hide the pained expression that was undoubtedly on her face.

"Why can't you just listen to me for once?!" Nanami yelled, and then hurried out of the room.

Idiot. Riou ran fingers through his hair and tugged in frustration. Now all he was doing was upsetting her, which was the last thing he had wanted. He should be better at this by now, after a year of acting confident and positive that everything would be all right when he knew no such damned thing yet was supposed to remain strong anyway. Why couldn't he be strong enough to comfort his own sister?

Can I really pretend that I'm all right with this? He had pushed through his grief when she had died because there had been the war, and then the shock of being taken to the city, dealing with Jowy and battling against Bright Shield. But now that she was in front of him those feelings he had never dared to confront before were bubbling up anew. And that was the absolute last thing he needed to show her. It was cruel enough to face her own death like this without having to deal with her brother's guilt as well.

Riou closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, and then followed his sister down the hall. While in the city he would try to give her what she wanted. And all the while try to find a way to thwart this fate as well. Making each other cry like this was hardly taking best advantage of a reunion that should not have been possible. She was right, even if nothing could be changed back home, at least they still had their time here.

"...Nanami?"

Nanami huddled by the front door and hugged her knees. She chewed on her lip in an attempt to stop the bleeding, though she wound up with an unpleasant bitter metallic taste in her mouth as a result. It brought back bad memories, made her remember quite clearly the war back home, and she regretted biting her lip like that.

She had been foolish, caught up in illusions of grandeur that by being away from the war somehow things would change between her, Riou and Jowy. Instead she felt an even greater distance between her and them, and that no matter how fast she ran to try to catch up to them, they only got further and further away. At least back home there was a reason she felt helpless.

She glanced up at Riou for a moment, trying to think of something to say, but could find nothing. She slowly let her gaze avert to the floor and hugged her knees closer. She had accepted that she was going to die, she didn't want to hear any more objections from her brother.

Riou hesitated in front of Nanami, his heart sinking further at how troubled she looked. Another apology was on his lips, but instead he quietly sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her. There was nothing he could really say. He leaned slightly, resting his head against her shoulder.

Nanami stiffened for a moment, the anger she still felt made her want to push him away and go back to sulking quietly.

But no, angry or not, she still wanted things to be all right between them. She released the hold on her knees and brought an arm up to wrap around Riou's head. She turned, kissed his forehead again and then rested her head on top of his.

"I don't want to fight with you, Riou. Not like this," she said quietly. She closed her eyes and stroked his hair.

"Upsetting you is the last thing I want to do," Riou replied.

With a sigh he allowed his own eyes to close at Nanami's touch. He just-- had no idea how to make this better. Despite how long he had put this off, he had not been able to think of anything, had really been doing nothing more productive than goofing off with Nanami and, even if this was what she wanted...

"I don't want to leave you, Riou. I don't, and I know it upsets you, but..."

She didn't want to get back into that conversation again, that argument again. Riou would never let it go, but maybe she could postpone it for a little while.

"It's scary to think about. That I'm going to die? When I really just want to enjoy what time I have here. Please, just for a little while? Let me just enjoy being here with you."

But it doesn't have to be that way...

Riou sat up slightly and gazed down at his sister. "If that's what you really want," he conceded. "I want to make the best of our time here as well."

Because I can't go back into the past and change anything in our world. And as for the present-- he hoped that they could just deal without him for a little while. His idea of making the best of their time just might not exactly match Nanami's or anyone else's... but well, he was starting to get used to having a secret or two, wasn't he? As long as he didn't upset her...

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Log; Ongoing

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Oh, the angst! And she doesn't even really die XD

But they don't know that! XD And it's off to bed for me...

This is what comes of randomly faking one's death! shakes fist

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Riou has not reached the "acceptance" part of the grieving process XD

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Not the tattoo! Nanami will KILL him. XD

Desperate times call for desperate measures!... but he's not quite that desperate yet...XD

Riou is breaking her heart!! D=

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Argh! Not Getting LJ Notifications for This! D:

Log; Ongoing

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Oh, the angst! And she doesn't even really die XD

But they don't know that! XD And it's off to bed for me...

This is what comes of randomly faking one's death! *shakes fist*

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Riou has not reached the "acceptance" part of the grieving process XD

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Not the tattoo! Nanami will KILL him. XD

Desperate times call for desperate measures!... but he's not quite *that* desperate yet...XD

Riou is breaking her heart!! D=

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Argh! Not Getting LJ Notifications for This! D:

This is what comes of randomly faking one's death! shakes fist

Desperate times call for desperate measures!... but he's not quite that desperate yet...XD