Log; Complete

[pridebound.livejournal.com]

When: June 25th
Rating: PG
Characters: Kuchiki Byakuya pridebound and Kuchiki Rukia juicebox_woes
Summary: Byakuya has a little chat with Rukia.
Log:

Pacing slightly -- now wait, she wasn't pacing she was thinking -- the petite shinigami felt feet automatically carry her up and down the small patch of beach she waited on. Ok, so maybe she WAS technically pacing, but only in a technical sense. Sighing, she felt fingertips automatically find their way to the enameled red charm on her bracelet, rubbing over the small strawberry-shaped piece of metal and enamel that served as her "good luck charm", and the source of calming when she needed it.

And oh did she ever need it now. Rukia had thought he'd left, thought he'd been swept from the City's clutches as easily as he had before, but no it appeared she'd been mistaken. He was still here. Kuchiki Byakuya. Her older brother. The older brother who had made it quite clear in the past exactly what he thought of the one person she chose to stay closest to. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, Rukia tried to calm her jangling nerves, feet moving fluidly through the kata of her training, brain beginning to autopilot it's way through the motions, shivering in the cold. Maybe the beach had been a bad idea. It had been so warm lately that she'd forgotten how "breezy" the Special Forces uniform was, and was currently cursing the fact that she'd not thought to dress warmer. Or at least grab the old uniform top to throw over it.

Shuddering, she rubbed cold hands down even colder arms, chanting a simple kidou to warm chilled flesh as she waited. He'd be here soon. He was always punctual.

It was chilly today. A fitting touch to the rather bland expression he was currently using to hide the twisting of his insides. He was not angry, or even disappointed in Rukia. What he wanted was answers, the truth, and he wanted it from her. Not the mindless fools who had their own opinions and problems yet chose to discuss his families business. Gossips, he hated them almost as much as he hated inherently lazy people and ideas. And once he had the information he wanted he would make his decision. Not as much as what he would do with Rukia as what he would do with Kurosaki.

Rukia was easy enough to find on the beach. He knew what he was looking for and today with the snow and the cold air there were few visitors. He liked it that way, fewer people to disturb this conversation.

He settled on the beach next to her, gazing at the ocean for several moments. He would let her make the first move, she knew why he was here and what answers he was seeking.

Repeating himself would only serve to annoy him.

She felt his reiatsu before she heard his light step, sandaled feet impacting snow-covered sand. Turning, black hair shifting slightly with the breeze, she bowed to him, palms flat against the front of her legs. "Nii-sama...."

Holding her breath, trying to make sure he didn't see she was holding her breath, she slowly straightened back up, not knowing what to say or where to start. He obviously wanted answers and she was fairly certain she knew what his questions were going to center on. And that....that was territory she really didn't want to enter. Not even so much because she knew that her brother knowing about some of the things he'd ask about was a decidedly bad thing, but because.... those waters were painful ones. Painful and smattered with reminders and dashed hopes and lonely nights spent up trying to outrun her memories.

Swallowing again, she sat down beside him, keeping respectful distance between them. It was pointless to hope he wouldn't expect her to start, so where was the use of waiting. Folding hands in her lap, she simply spoke softly. "What would you like to know first, Nii-sama?"

What did he want to know. He watched her out of the corner of his eye for a moment before turning to face her, smoothly shifting into a comfortable position as he coolly assessed her. She was nervous, which spoke of guilt though what she could feel that way about could be anything. Perhaps even then it wasn't so much as guilt as it was part of the strange lack of give and take that their relationship had undergone for so many years. His sister by his choice and yet a completely stranger in his house until only recently.

It was more than just his simple Kuchiki pride that demanded he know what was going on in her life and that it meet the standards that his family had set down for generations. Nor was it the understanding that he himself had seen the standards to be antiquated and past their prime in his marriage to Hisana. She was his sister by his choice and now he had reached the point where he could acknowledge this.
"I am sure that I do not need to insult the both of us with questions that you already know I am going to ask."

Sighing inwardly, she wondered yet again why she had expected things to be any different then they were. Maybe it was the fact that the last time her brother had been here, he had made such an effort to change, to actually be more of a brother to her than he had ever been before. Maybe it was the effect being reunited with her sister had had on the man, or maybe...maybe it was just a silly childish whim that for once in her life she might actually get to know what it felt like to be part of a loving family that actually shared their feelings.

And maybe that was why she loved Ichigo's family so much, loved spending time with them and being around them. They made her feel...welcome. Like she was a part of something, a treasured part of something. The Kuchiki clan had never been that way, with it's stiff formality and restrictions and traditions. And while she had grown accustomed to it, that didn't mean she didn't yearn for more.

Nodding slightly, she mentally pushed a little more reiatsu into the kidou to warm herself further. "I meant no disrespect, Nii-sama. I simply wasn't sure which you would wish to hear about first. The City itself and it's machinations, your own prior time here, Onee-san, the current status of things with the Arrancar, my current status and situation, or...." She swallowed at the last option. "The current status of things between myself and Ichigo."

She had worked up quite a list. He would address that first.

"We can discuss each of your points soon enough," he informed her, "my prior time will need to be addressed soon enough. Today, however, we shall discuss your relationship with Kurosaki and why you have felt the need to keep me uniformed."
He pinned her with a stern glance. If she wished to... continue this madness she would discuss this with him. None of this hiding things that she felt he would disapprove of. They would discuss that also.

She bit her lip slightly for a moment, shoulders slumping slightly before she continued in a quiet voice. "Alright, then..." Swallowing back the lump in her throat, she forced herself to travel back over the memories, back to the time before, when things had been different. "It...it was after I first came to the City. I moved in with him, simply as a roommate. At the time, he was the only one I really knew here, the only one I trusted. Things were....normal. Like they'd always been. Just....here. And then....you came to the City, Nii-sama. And you....you found out how I...how I really felt about him. I guess you wanted to help, to...to do something to make it easier for me. Either way.....you told him I was in love with him."

Rukia wasn't really sure how her brother would react to the knowledge that he had been the instrument that had actually led to the spark laid to kindling long-since piled. That it was his words that had opened the door for her, given her the means, whether she had wanted them or not, to step forward into that unknown and take the chance that had turned out to be the best decision she had ever made.

Byakuya had lived through many unpleasant shocks in his life. His wife's death was numbered at the top of those, though perhaps at the time it wasn't as much of a shock as he would have liked. Learning that he had helped that... that... he sighed. Obviously something in this world had addled his brains during his past visit here and convinced him that this was perhaps the best to way approach making them more family like. He snorted softly and gazed past her and at the never ending waves that pounded the beach behind her.

He had helped that idiot get his sister. Obviously, he had many things to fix while he was here. He glanced back towards her, focusing on her once more.
"That does not tell me why you decided to keep this information from now."

"Because you chose to tell him in large-sized font over the network on a public post. Everyone....everyone knows. I just....assumed someone would have told you before I had the opportunity, Nii-sama."

Glancing past him at the waves, she closed her eyes softly and listened to the waves, contemplating her next words. "After...after you told him, he and I talked, and....things just fell into place." Slight smile curving her lips, she whispered, almost to herself. "I....I've never been that happy before....ever."

Clearing her throat, she kept her eyes directed away from him as she continued her story. "You....encouraged me, which I didn't expect. It....meant a great deal to me, Nii-sama. That you seemed....to understand. And things were....perfect. Happy. And then Onee-san came and...it was like we were all together, like a real family."

He really had been hit in the head. He had... they... he wasn't sure if he even knew how to be the person she described, much less attempt to become him. He sighed, this deserved a sigh.

"I am not that person," he wasn't going to attempt to be something he was not. Who knew how long he had been here or what strange changes he had to have undergone in order to reach that sort of decision. He wasn't going to think about it. Thinking about that sort of thing would give him a permanent migraine.

"Rukia." He started again and paused for a brief moment. "I can not become that person again. Whatever circumstances created that aspect of myself had to be something extreme and chances of it happening twice are slim." He uncurled his fingers, not entirely sure when he had forced them into fists, "But I have no desire to return to the way things were before Aizen made his move on Seireitei."

It was as close as he could come to telling her that he was willing to try this sibling thing. He was not mushy, probably would never be a mushy man, emotions had there time and and place and even here on the beach just between the two of them it was a struggle not to fall back on years of formal training and endless lessons.

Nodding slowly, she finally raised her head to look him in the eye, her own violet orbs tired and dull in a pale face, ringed by the dark circles that her persistent insomnia had left her with. "I know, Nii-sama..." And she did know. It was the same with...with a lot of things. Shifting her legs beneath her for warmth, she bit her lower lip, chin dropping as her tone changed, smaller, more strained. "It's...the same with him. Leaving the City, and then.....returning with no memory of the first time spent here...."

She was trying to hold it back, hold back the pain that welled up, the hurt that came spiraling out of the tight box she crammed it into, and she honestly wasn't sure if she was doing a decent job of it or not. Probably not, that seemed to be the way of things lately. But if he knew....then he knew. It wasn't as though she was trying to hide it from anyone. Well...anyone but Ichigo, that is. Everyone else....they already seemed to know how much she hurt, how hard it was for her to keep going day after day feeling in limbo.

Apparently his past self had lost its ability to judge others completely. Not only had he assisted Kurosaki in getting his sister, he had helped a man figure his sister out, encouraged her to go for it, and he turned around and broke her into pieces. An obvious moment of stupidity that he wouldn't be forgetting. His eyes narrowed briefly, if he was the reason for how thin she was and those circles under her eyes...

"Kurosaki is an idiot."

Plain and simple.

Biting her lip harder, she nodded faintly, a smile warring with the pained expression on her face. "I know....but..he's my idiot. Even if....if he doesn't remember how much I love him. How much he loved me...."

Turning face to the sky, she closed her eyes, feeling the snowflakes impact and melt on her cheeks. At least....maybe they would hide the tears on her face. She wasn't lying, wasn't hiding anything. She did know he was an idiot in a lot of ways, but he was still...still her idiot, at least in her mind. He'd always be her idiot, no matter what anyone said. She loved him too much for that to ever change. Not that knowing it, and accepting it made it any easier. Drawing legs up to her chest, she rested her chin on them, shivering as the shift in motion allowed cold snow to find it's way into the open sides of the uniform.

"It doesn't.....doesn't matter if he doesn't remember. I remember...."

He sighed softly. He didn't know what to do with crying women, not a clue. Hisana had only cried once and even then... he had not been in a position to comfort her then either.

"It will work out."

That was as much as he could force himself to say. Either way it would work out. Ichigo... he wasn't going to think of what he would do if the boy went after his sister that way, but he knew what he would do if he kept hurting her this way.

Slow and painful it would be.

Her head shot up, trembling slightly in the cold, eyes wide and surprised. He...did he just...say what she thought he'd said? Smiling slightly, she nodded, tightening arms around her knees. "Thank you...Nii-sama. For listening. You...did that before, you know. When you made me wash the pudding out of your hair the day you got caught in the food fight. Onee-san thought it was funny..."

It was hard to believe that he'd think that way, say that to her. Maybe he was just being nice, trying to make her feel better. but then....Kuchiki Byakuya wasn't typically the type to play word games. She shivered again, wrapping arms around bare shoulders to keep out the wind.

Pudding? Pudding in his hair? What was he during his first visit? A monk? He was going to ignore that comment, ignore every single syllable of that sentence. And she was cold. Probably because she was wearing a version of Yoruichi's outfit. He would discuss that with her later. He removed his outer jacket, the chill would be little enough of an inconvenience after this conversation, and offered it to her.

"Put that on and come," he stood carefully. "You are too skinny." He turned and started walking.

Feed Rukia and get more answers from her in the process. She wasn't going to collapse or faint from not taking care of herself on his watch. Plotting Kurosaki's doom would have to wait a little longer. He had plenty of time for that.

Slowly, she reached out and took the heavy white fabric from him, pulling the over-sized haori around her shoulders as she nodded and stood up. Whether she was hungry or not, habit was hard to ignore and it was her habit to follow her brother's wishes. For the most part. Not that that hadn't become something a little less easily followed lately.

She bit back the comment that rose in her throat, that it wasn't because she didn't eat, but then would the revelation that she spent hours and hours on end training rather than sleeping be received with any more degree of warmth? Probably not, her mind answered for her. Besides, it was going all right. At least he hadn't threatened to kill Ichigo, or tried to outright forbid her to have any contact with him. If it came to that....well, she couldn't promise herself that she'd do the "right" thing.

They were not quite out of the water yet. He himself had a list of things that he wanted to discuss with Rukia. Kurosaki, at least, had been dealt with for the moment. She had informed him of what was going on, which had been what he wanted, and he would decide what steps to take once he had sufficient time to process what information she had given him.

Dealing with Rukia was one thing, dealing with Kurosaki was a completely different issue. He glanced over his shoulder before resuming his walk. She was thin, much too thin, and exhausted. He would deal with that first. Kurosaki could wait a little longer. He would speak with Yoruichi as well about Rukia's health, as it seemed that she had taken up with the girl as judged by her outfit.

First he would feed her and then he would set some of his plans into motion.

Silently following after him, she hugged the haori around herself, slippered feet moving with the easy grace she had learned from not only training with her mentor, but by watching those around her. Ichigo, her brother, Renji. All of them had the same sort of nearly feline grace that she had since learned came from some degree of mastery over shunpo. Since learning it herself, it was easy to pick up the same fluid motions.

This wasn't over. Not by a long shot, and she could tell. They may have been as good as strangers, but he was still her brother, and she still knew him well enough to know that. And just because he had let the topic of Ichigo drop didn't mean it was far from his mind, OR that it would be soon forgotten.

And in actuality, it was the topic of herself that she was most worried about. She knew his feelings about Ichigo, and knew there was certainly no love lost between the two. But that was manageable, that was easy to deal with. Well, easy in relative comparison to some of the other things she might could have dealt with and definitely easy relative to dealing with her and Ichigo's relationship -- or lack thereof -- right now. But her condition.... her nightmares, the fact that she didn't sleep, worked herself to death, barely ate.... That wasnt' likely to be something that Kuchiki Byakuya would understand, much less approve of.

Approval she didn't expect, hell she knew Yoruichi didn't approve of it either, but the dark-skinned shinigami seemed to have finally reached a point where she realized that no amount of arguing or punishing was going to dissuade her pupil and had instead settled into the position of simply making sure that Rukia didn't kill herself with what she termed "fucking idiotic behavior."

"How long have you been neglecting yourself of proper care." He had phrased the question twice in his head in order to attempt to come up with... well not necessarily a nicer was to ask the question he wanted, because he was not pleased at all with her management of her training and the way she was physically taking care of herself.

That she was neglecting herself was obvious, that it would end was also just as obvious in his mind. He slowed his steps in order to allow her to catch him, he did not require that she repeat herself anymore than he would have wished to repeat himself. Getting to the bottom of this particular issue was next on his list, but would most likely not be any easier for her to discuss.

He glanced down at her once more before turning his attention to the road in front of them.

"I....I don't neglect myself, Nii-sama. It's....not that. I......can't sleep."

It wasn't a lie, not really. The fact that she couldn't sleep was the root of the problem, the source of it all. Never mind the reasons behind what she chose to do with her time, if she was able to sleep it would have been something of a moot point. She would at least have been able to get decent rest. As things were now.....that was a lost dream, a faded memory. She couldn't sleep, couldn't rest. Couldn't even manage to fight the demons in her mind away for a scant 4 hours for her body to recover.

And it wasn't as though she hadn't tried. Sleeping pills, draughts, remedies, even kidou. Nothing helped. Well, nothing except him. Before his departure and return from the City, the only time she'd been able to sleep peacefully had been when she was curled up warm and safe against his chest, listening to the easy rhythm of his heartbeat. Now that things were....different, she couldn't have that, didn't have the right to ask for it. And the nightmares had only grown worse, drawing off of her depression and mental pain.

He wanted to snort at her rather pathetic attempt at convincing him otherwise. It would have been a perfect response to that little comment, but he had been raised to believe that one did not snort so he settled for shooting her a sharp glance.

"I am sure that I do not need to point out the flaws in that statement Rukia." Or that he didn't believe her for a minute. "Lack of sleep does not mean you can stop eating." Or stop taking proper care of herself.

She shook her head. "You....don't understand, Nii-sama. It's not a question of a few less hours of sleep. I....haven't slept in 4 days. Or more than 10 hours in the last 2 weeks....I don't avoid eating...."

It really was true. She ate as often as she normally did, or at least she was fairly certain she did. When she felt hungry, she ate, when she was thirsty, she drank. It was just....that she couldn't rest. Couldn't allow her body the time it needed to repair and restore it's vitality. And that, coupled with the hours upon hours of rough training sapped her strength and all her reserves.

"I'm just tired from training. It's...the only thing I can do to keep from sleeping...."

"If you are not sleeping and are pushing yourself to train," he fought back the urge to sigh at her. "Then you need to put in the same amount as you are taking out." It was fundamental and every members of Soul Society knew this. It was one of the things you were trained in. "It is obvious that you are not doing this."

Which was completely unacceptable.

"You are rationalizing your reasoning. Stop."

Figuring out the reasons why it was okay, rationalizing that she was doing the right thing because it made sense in her head. Annoying habit that he would not allow to continue in his presence. She would understand her weaknesses and she would fix them. If he was forced to send her to visit the fourth division in order to be evaluated he would not necessarily be pleased. Not that she had problems that needed to be dealt with, but that she had let her problems take over her to the point where she was only a half portion of herself. He dealt with enough idiots in his division in Soul Society, he would not allow her to fall down that path while he was here in the city.

Leveling a tired violet gaze at him, she shook her head slightly. "Then what should I do, Nii-sama. I can't.....can't just spend all my time sitting on the beach and staring off into space. How else can I keep my focus?"

Rukia knew she was rationalizing things, she'd known that for awhile. It just....well, there wasn't really anything else she knew of to do. Sleeping....had surpassed other things as the one thing she was most afraid of right now. Well, it wasn’t really the sleep itself, it was the knowledge of what would come when she finally did sleep. The nightmares, the phantoms that haunted her constantly throughout the days and nights, clawing at her from the blackness in the back of her mind.

"You have to replace the energy you are spending with something. If not sleep and food, then you must increase your intake of food." Healthy food, not junk food, not food that she enjoyed because it tasted good. Food that would balance her energy levels out and give her what she needed in order to stay healthy, a little amount of sleep could be dealt with if everything else was taken care of properly.

She was running on fumes and pushing herself. It was not acceptable. Nor was it completely acceptable that he was having this talk with her, she should have been doing this from the start. He leveled her with a look in order to show this point. She was running instead of dealing with the problem, and it was not acceptable by their family standards to run from her problems.

"Starting today."

Right now in fact as they were almost to the restaurant he had in mind.

It was pointless to argue with him at this point. She was completely convinced that were she to refuse to eat more, her brother would physically force her to, in one way or another. And that...just wasn't worth dealing with. She was tired, and she could feel her energy wavering slightly, steps losing their graceful glide and stumbling slightly before she recovered her footing and continued on, pushing back the exhaustion like she had done before.

"Yes, Nii-sama.....I'll eat more."

She could do that, would do that. If it kept him from asking about her sleep -- or lack thereof -- and the reasons behind it, than it was worth the trouble of trying to force herself to eat more.

Byakuya nodded and motioned for her to enter the restaurant ahead of him.

"Starting now."

He nodded at the man holding the door, "we will discuss the other issues later, after you have eaten."

He wanted tea, nice soothing tea. This place had an acceptable product that would work for the time being. Everything else could wait.