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tampered2007-08-31 06:04 am
lady-turk.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-08-31 06:04 am
Log: Complete
When; Aug. 29th
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Elena![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lady_turk & Jr./Rubedo red_dragon_666
Summary; Girls control Jr.'s life. And if he wants to get back to the old life he used to enjoy, he'll have to talk to the scary girl who likes to use a gun and who he likes to cuddle with.
Log;
It’d been quite a while since Elena had left the Durandal, but less time since Ranmaru had come to find her and drag her back, literally kicking and protesting the entire way. She hadn’t exactly been sulking during the entire time, though she had been actively ignoring the network, aside from the glance here or there. Mostly, she spent her time hiding out in the room that Ranmaru had brought her back to. Though, there was that one curse where she’d been a toddler once more and had pretty much attached herself to her ‘parents’ sides.
That hadn’t been so bad, but now the curse was over and Elena had gone back into her self-induced seclusion. Doing absolutely nothing. It was the laziest that she’d ever been and she was going to have to really put in some effort into getting back into shape once she finally found her drive to go back out.
Currently, Elena was lying on the bed, letting her head hang off the side so that the world appeared to be upside-down, hands resting on her stomach. She wasn’t focused on any one particular thought, but the central theme seemed to be the various relationships she’d had with people all throughout her life. Tseng and Jr. popped up quite a bit, to her slight annoyance, but Elena didn’t let the thoughts linger to save herself from the emotions that those kind of thoughts would bring.
It was a good thing that Shelley had been understanding about why he had needed back onto the Durandal that morning, or this would have been a pretty poor reunion. A shower and quick change was definitely necessary, though he didn't need any breakfast. Rubedo was sure to grab a certain something out of his room before being on his way.
The hunt for Elena wasn't too difficult. He knew most of her friends, and he could figure out which ones she would actually be willing to tolerate for more than one day, so it was easy enough to narrow the list down. Ranmaru had always been the one Rubedo liked best, even if he was a little wary of approaching him. He had known he was a friend of Tseng's as well.
The greeting at the door hadn't been the warmest, for sure, but once Rubedo had explained why he was there, the beautiful warrior had allowed him in. The redhead was actually shocked that his first guess had been the right one. He had been secretly terrified that Elena might be staying with Tseng, which would have wrecked everything.
After getting threatened in one of the most interesting manners possible if he upset Elena again, Rubedo went to the door that Ranmaru had pointed him to. It took him a moment to regain his composure, to stop fiddling with his tie, and to just knock on the door, hiding a gift-wrapped box behind his back with the other.
Given how formal Ranmaru and his lord were, Elena wasn’t surprised in the least to hear a knock on her door, though the fact that neither one called out to give her fair warning of who it was that had knocked did make her raise an eyebrow slightly. Still, she didn’t move from her spot on the bed, thinking nothing of it or who it might have been. Probably Ran checking up on me again, she figured with a mental shrug. He had been great about giving her space and not asking questions, but the boy did worry about her more than he needed to.
Debating for a moment if company, however well-meaning it might have been for whatever reason, would be welcomed or tolerated, Elena let out a breath and then decided it wouldn’t be that troublesome. It’d give her a reason to talk or perhaps an excuse to go out in search of food or something later on. Clearing her throat, Elena called out to whomever it had been that had knocked.
“It’s unlocked. And you don’t have to wait next time to come in Ran.”
He had to wince at being mistaken for Ranmaru. It wasn't like he had tried to trick her or anything...he had just been too scared that she wouldn't let him in if he'd called out immediately. It was after a moment’s hesitation that Rubedo turned the knob and opened the door, hoping he didn't look as nervous or scared as he felt.
Scared? More like terrified. But not for the reasons some might think. He wasn't afraid of her pulling a gun on him. He was afraid of being turned away. But Shelley's advice kept him rooted in his spot, waiting for her to notice him before thrusting out the box and blurting out an explanation before she had a chance to shut the door back in his face.
"Before you beat me with your present and throw me out, let me say something? I didn't run off because I was mad at you. What I mean is...I did, but not because I didn't want to work it out. It was because I was scared I'd lose control. You've seen me lose control before, and you know how bad that can be. I honestly thought I had grown up a little since then, but I guess I haven't. I was worried that if I saw you or Tseng again after that, I'd just lose control all over again, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt you."
His gaze drifted to the floor, tempted to keep it there, but he made himself look back up at her. She looked completely drained. Before he completely lost his nerve, he finished. "I just love you so damn much that I can hardly contain myself, Elena. Knowing that someone else kissed you like that drove me crazy, and I thought that maybe I could give you up, because I want you to be happy, but I'm not that strong. You can choose him if you want, but I won't give up on you, if...that's okay."
Breathless from his tangent, and flushed from embarrassment, Rubedo steeled himself for whatever her response would be. He already had his suspicions, but he was going to hope for the best.
It was…an extremely good thing that Elena was laying almost completely on the bed and not standing up. Because of all the people in she had been prepared to see, Jr. was pretty far down on the list. What with everything that had gone on between them and the fact that she hadn’t been the one to seek him out first... Elena’s first instinct was to grab her gun and start shooting as she screamed obscenities at the redhead.
And she had made it at least to a sitting up position, quickly brushing aside the vertigo change and the blood rush that came with it, reaching for her gun, before pausing, hearing the start of Jr.’s little speech.
She let him speak, let the words process in her mind, and then listen to the last little bit. A part of her was still mad at him, because it was so much easier to be mad at someone than it was to be sad, but there was also the part of her that was relieved he was speaking to her again. There was also the curiosity of the contents of the gift, but that could be saved for the very end.
Staying silent and bowing her head as she went over what it was that he was saying and what it meant, Elena bit her bottom lip as she grabbed an object within reach and finally reacted.
Throwing a pillow as hard as she could, Elena reached for another object to throw as she began shouting, slight beads of moisture in the corners of her eyes, but not letting anything more than those bits get through. “YOU STUPID ASS! And you didn’t think that running off, after giving me that LOOK of yours, wouldn’t hurt me EITHER?! You need to stop jumping to so many goddamn conclusions and GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THINGS!”
Elena wanted to say more, to somehow find the right words to say, but her emotions were too mixed up and overworked, not to mention the blood-rush was making her dizzy and light-headed, so that little outburst was all that she was capable of at the moment. That, and throwing the other pillow she’d grab at him as well.
The outburst was enough to make him want to hide, but then he realized that she could be throwing things a lot more dangerous than pillows. Still, he quickly lifted up the box as a makeshift shield, flinching more from her shrill tone than the pillows hitting him. By the time the next pillow hit, he had started backing into the hall, only to realize that they were not alone. He wasn't really sure how many people lived with Ranmaru, but he had seen a lot of doors in the hallway.
So unfortunately the best method was to dart back into the room with the angry woman once there was an opening, pulling the door shut as he did. She was livid, but at least she wasn't telling him to get the hell out. And so far she was only throwing very soft objects.
When he dropped the box, he snapped back quietly, "What kind of look did you expect out of me? He told me that he kissed you, and that you kissed him back! Can you even imagine what it felt like to hear that, on our damn anniversary of all days?!"
Still not stupid enough to get near the bed, he set the box down on the desk and folded his arms across his chest. "I already told you why I ran off. Staying there could have ended in an explosion. Literally."
Raising a hand to cover her eyes, partly as a guise to get her thoughts and emotions under control, and partly to help fight off the headache that had suddenly arisen. Taking several deep breaths, Elena picked her words carefully, not removing her hand from her forehead though.
“I had told you I still had feelings for him, though I hadn’t asked Tseng to tell you something like that on that particular day,” she said, in a much calmer tone, though still tight with anger. “When someone that you’ve had feeling for years for suddenly decides to kiss you, what kind of reaction would you expect from them as well? As for the explosion… Would you have really? With everyone else on board?”
Finally removing her hand, Elena let out another sigh and bowed her head, recalling what that kiss had pretty much done for her relationship with Tseng. “That kiss… was a resolution that had been a long time coming.”
He honestly didn't know about the explosion. He might have been able to stop himself...but there just had been no guarantee. He hadn't felt so betrayed in a long time. Even now as she explained herself, the bitter taste in his mouth didn't go away. Eyes darkening a bit, Rubedo shut his eyes and counted down from ten. He needed to stay calm. He'd had over a week to calm down, after all.
When he opened them again, he tried to keep his tone in check, though it still came out rather hoarse. "What would I have done if I was in your shoes? Are you forgetting about Sakura? Sure she's twelve, but I'm not getting any older. When I find a way to return her life to her, she's going to be able to finally grow up. Our relationship when I was a kid, it was...different from this, but it was still love. What if she grows up, and her feelings for me don't change? So then say, what if she wants to try again with me?"
One hand lifted out in front of him so that he could hold out one finger, glaring a bit as he spoke. "For one thing, I can tell you she wouldn't do that, if I was still with you. She would never do anything to damage me or you, even to make herself happy. That was something I expected out of Tseng, especially since he gave me his word." He held out a second finger.
"And for another thing, even if by some bogus reason she did, I know I wouldn't kiss her back. Even if she was alive, and of age, and even if I never fell out of love with her...I'm with you. I've never even been tempted to be with someone else. Resolution? That's horse shit. Don't give me some speech about you two needing closure. Sakura and I never got any, and we never will, and I'll keep on living like that."
If Jr. had wanted to say things that were capable of making Elena feel guilty, an emotion she hadn’t felt in a long, long time, then he had more than succeeded in doing so. It didn’t mean that she would take back her actions, but the repercussions were not ones that she would be happy to handle easily. Romance was such a pain. It made being a Turk seemingly a breeze in comparison.
“So crushing the trust of the person you love is also to be included in the job description of a Turk now?” Elena said dejectedly, bringing up her knees to her chest and hugging them tight. Guilt… Seemed like Elena had found something she hated worse than feeling helpless.
“… Feeling like a heel aside, I know it was wrong but I can’t say that I regret it. You and Sakura might be each other’s first loves, but for the longest time I had thought my feelings were one-sided. What with Tseng’s infatuation with the Flower Girl and my being just a stupid rookie, it wasn’t hard not to think so.”
“I’m not using it as an excuse, just so you know. Just… I don’t know what to say that could help in any way.”
It wasn't like he wanted to make Elena miserable, but he knew it would have been ridiculous if Elena hadn't felt guilty. Even though he could almost see her point of view with the unrequited love deal, she had still handled the situation poorly. It wasn't like he had forgiven her... But he still loved her.
"I don't think any words could help right now...from you or me." Having removed his shoes at the front door since it was a Japanese style interior, he was especially quiet as he stepped back to lean against the door.
"...But... You need to make a choice. I meant it when I said I wouldn't give up on you, but I'm not going to be something for you to settle for, either."
“I wouldn’t….” The decision on who Elena would choose had pretty much been already been made, hadn’t it? She might not have said it or done anything to truly show that she had come to a conclusion, but that still didn’t mean that she hadn’t already come to such a thing on her own. Though, there was the possibility that those around her who knew her had already figured out what her decision was as well.
To say it out-loud though… Elena had no regrets with her choice, but to say and give it voice still made a small part of her hurt. Like nailing the final lid on a coffin of a family member or locking away something once treasured and cherished beyond anything else. In a sense, that was what she was doing. But the reason she was doing it and who she was doing it for…
“I wouldn’t settle either. If I love someone, I’d rather choose to have them ignore me than to be the person that they simply settle for. So I wouldn’t do something so callous as to do that to anyone else. Especially to someone like you, who I only got to meet by ending up in this place and who’s been so important to me.”
Say it Elena, just say the damn words already. You’ve dragged this on long enough.
“I love Tseng and I don’t think I could ever stop loving him… But he and I won’t ever be anything more than what we are now. It’s just… I’ve moved past my unrequited feelings, so that relationship between us is enough for me. But… I would rather have my memory erased, or tortured to death, or never even see my own world again than to… to… Holy take it all… Rubedo, I love you.”
There. She’d finally said the words, plain and simple without any other words in-between… And he’d said that he loved her several times before. So why was she still so nervous about how or what Jr.’s reaction would be?
With the way the tangent had started, Rubedo felt his hopes just continue to dwindle. The jab about still loving Tseng made him wince...but then her words suddenly took an unexpected turn, and he was left standing there wide-eyed and breathless, looking as if he'd just been punched in the gut.
Those three words, really, were something he'd never even waited to hear out of her mouth. He had just figured she was incapable of saying it, for one reason or another. He'd always suspected Tseng was one of those reasons.
Rubedo was still so angry on many levels. The betrayal couldn't just be erased, and he was frustrated with himself for not really knowing what to do. But hearing her say those three words with such fierceness broke down his walls, and not in the sort of way that would lead to an impending apocalypse.
She was back on her bed in seconds, flattened from his tackle, with him curled up and hugging her fiercely. Problems aside, he would never lose sight of just how much she meant to him, and that was why he was holding back tears as he pressed his face against her shoulder.
She really didn’t know why she was still so nervous about what his reaction would be, but she was. Even as she was hugging Jr. back and squeezing him tightly, there was a part of Elena that was still nervous and unsure, guilt and anger aside as well. But she’d chosen, given it voice, and it seemed that the words were at least the right ones to get the ball rolling again.
Basking in the moment, of being close to Jr. and not caring that she had admitted to something so large as love to someone outside the Turks, Elena still knew that they had a lot to talk about. But that being hopeful aspect of her personality… It made itself known a touch by having her hope and think that at least they’d try somehow.
Finally relenting on her squeeze, Elena cleared her throat to gain Jr. attention.
“We still have to talk.”
With a sigh, he nodded and pulled back somewhat reluctantly. "...I know. I know." More than anything, he wanted to kiss her right then, but he struggled with that urge before squashing it and sitting up. Keeping a loose grip on Elena's hand, he absently stroked her knuckles and watched her face.
If she had more to say, then he wanted to hear it. He was still figuring where they could even go from there. Things had changed, for sure, but it didn't have to stay bad. Was it possible to love someone this much and not trust he? Did he still trust her?
He knew he didn't trust Tseng, but that wasn't really her problem.
Although she’d been the one to initiate the start of their conversation, it didn’t mean that Elena knew where to start. She wasn’t going to apologize for what she’d done, even if she did feel guilty about it. But she had to say something to try and fix the mess that still lingered between them.
With a sigh, Elena sat up as well, yet kept close to Jr. as well. She wanted to pull him into her arms and cuddle him like he was some kind of human-sized plush toy, but that would probably lead to more stalling than any kind of conversation happening between them. Cause it was easier to just cuddle and not say anything at all than to try and figure out how to fix relationship issues.
“….” Where to start? HOW to start? What to start off with? It was with a groan that Elena let her head fall to her chest and then slump to the side slightly, so that she was partially leaning on Jr.
“Bombs, crazed lunatics, plans to take over the world, enough red tape and paperwork to bury someone under… Hell, even kicking baby chocobos is easier than trying to figure out what I should be saying right now. All I know is that I messed up in ways I didn’t think I’d ever have to deal with, and though I won’t say that I regret it, I feel guilty about it.” Thinking on the fact that she did feel guilty about something brought forth a slightly sadistic, bitter smirk on her face. “Here I thought I’d forgotten how to feel guilty for doing bad things.”
Blinking as she suddenly leaned into him, he leaned back a bit so that he didn't end up falling over. She was bigger than him after all, sad as that was.
He was with her up until the last part, then pulled his hand back into his lap to stare hard at the floor, brow crinkling. She didn't regret it? Not even a little bit? That news hurt. That meant that even if she could have taken it back, she wouldn't have.
Rubedo fiddled with his tie absently as he finally muttered out, "You're only human. I didn't fall in love with a robot." There was another pause, then he spoke again, voice even quieter.
"...I don't even...want you ever seeing him again. I know how childish that sounds, and I know it's not happening so long as you're both here. But you guys'll always have that memory, and you'll be reminded when you see him." He let out a low growl without meaning to, fury once more glinting in his eyes. "He said he'd keep his distance... Damnit. Elena, I don't think it'd be safe for me to see him again. I'll lose it."
Ducking his head, he pulled a foot up to press against the edge of the bed, hugging his knee and resting his forehead there. "I'm doing my best to...to understand...but don't expect too much out of me. Even if you go see him or whatever, I can't allow him on the ship anymore. It's for his own safety."
If he was trying to make her regret her actions… He was doing a fair job of it. Even if she didn’t really feel regret and wouldn’t take it back, there was that part that was saying that perhaps she should feel a little regret. But that part of her was a part that she’s long, long since snuffed out and made silent. It would figure that he’d be the person to give that part a small voice again.
Jr. losing it. Tseng losing it. Her losing it. And they were supposed to be good at suppressing their emotions and controlling what actions resulted because of them. It made her wonder a little how someone else would have reacted in their situation.
It was with a grunt that Elena leaned back so that she was facing the ceiling and then turned so that she was slightly curled up around Jr. Almost as a gesture of full-body hug, though not quite one just the same. “I’m not saying that it’s unreasonable you wouldn’t want me seeing him again, but I can’t avoid seeing Tseng. But… I understand too and I know that you and him aren’t a good mix.”
“I have so many memories of him in danger…” she said quietly, closing her eyes. It was inevitable that the memories come back to her talking about this subject, and she couldn’t help but see them behind her closed lids. The temple. And Sephiroth. The triplets. But these weren’t the only memories that played out. Why was it that the ones she cared about always seemed to find danger? Jr. was certainly no exception to this. There was the first time she’d seen Jr. lose it and then the first time he’d died… “But I hadn’t seen him die like I have with you. And I don’t want to have any more memories like that either.”
The memory of his own death was enough to make him wince. Elena, Albedo, and MOMO had all been there. He could still remember that Elena had been the one to act cool-headed. The memory was fuzzy, as he'd lost blood so quickly, but he could still recall her talking sense into Albedo.
For some reason the memory made him smile, at least until he remembered how he got his life back. He had seen her die twice, even if he hadn't even realized it the first time. She had died right there as his life was returned to him, and he hadn't even suspected her. The second time, though, would always be etched into his memory.
"...I can't say I argue. It's a good thing he hasn't had to be around for you dying twice, because if he loves you half as much as I do, he would've been torn up inside." Rubedo's room still had various dents in the walls from his temper tantrum afterward. With a wry smile to try and lighten the mood, he reached to stroke her arm. "...You told me to not try and be blue."
“So I’m horrible at following my own advice,” Elena replied back lightly, a very faint smile attempting to make its way onto her face. “Doesn’t mean that it’s not good advice all the same.”
Avoiding the remark about Tseng’s feeling for her, Elena made a slight humming noise of something that seemed to be agreement to the statement, or could have just been a noise to keep the conversation going. She’d actually known, to a degree, what Tseng might have acted like were he to witness her death.
“Jr… You know, I was going to let you ask me questions, any question of your choosing, and answer them,” Elena remarked, seemingly out of the blue. “It’d almost be appropriate to have you ask them now than when I was originally going to let you ask them.”
That made him look up and over at her curiously. Questions? Did she mean as a present? About her personal life, well... He had questions, but at the moment he wasn't sure if he wanted to ask about that. It just wasn't the time or the place.
Still, he didn't want to completely disregard her suggestion...and he did have questions. They would be unpleasant, and possibly upset her, but they were things he needed to know. Blind trust was no longer something he could have in her...at least not for awhile. Unfortunately, he would need her to be clear.
"...Can I trust you to be alone with Tseng?" Rubedo averted his eyes. "You could say he won't do it again...but that's not what I'm asking. If he were to ever pull that again...can I trust you to clock him?"
Wincing, Elena might have originally simply said ‘yes’ in the beginning, before all this, but that might not have been so much the truth now. And the fact that she was very much aware of this made her pause and think about what the truth would have been. She could lie, but she tended to avoid it under most situations with a select few. And Jr. was in that group of few.
“I can promise that I won’t kiss back for certain,” Elena stated, firmly, but a touch slowly. She was thinking truthfully and honestly about the matter, hence why her answers were slow coming, but there was no other way to do it. “As for clocking… Would a slap suffice?”
Her hesitation did not go unnoticed, and it made him cringe a bit. He kept on staring at the door while thinking about that. A slap definitely sufficed... It was the least the bastard deserved. Honestly, after the talk they'd had at the cafe? And after Tseng had said he would keep his distance? Was that what being a Turk was all about? Lying?
He couldn't believe Elena was like that Wouldn't believe it.
"...Would you still want to kiss him back?"
“No.” She responded immediately, almost on instinct and without needing any time to think about it. That was one answer she already knew. She had her resolution and had made her choice. There was no need to go back or linger on anything. “I wouldn’t want to kiss him back, no matter what the circumstances might be.”
Her response immediately made Rubedo relax again. Suddenly so incredibly tired, as he definitely hadn't been sleeping well, he slumped back against her as well, letting his eyes slip shut. He wanted to ask if she really planned to try and return to his world with him, but they needed to take baby steps.
As he held her hand, he brushed his thumb over the ring. "Then that's all I need to know."
It seemed that it hadn’t taken her body long to have gotten so used to having another body sleeping besides her that when the situation had finally returned to normal, she was almost instantly hit with a wave of fatigue. Not that the entire ordeal hadn’t been taxing in its own right, but…
Of course there was still issues to deal with and problems that would linger and could crop up at any time, but for now, Elena was in such a state of contentment that any other thoughts were completely wiped out and forgotten.
Putting a hand over Jr.’s, Elena turned so that she was cuddling with him as well and gave in to the urge. Hugging him like the plush that she wanted to, Elena let a soft smile grace her face, letting out a small sigh as well. A quick kiss to the top of his head, and then she was out with a soft mummer.
“I don’t want anything else either.”
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Elena
lady_turk & Jr./Rubedo red_dragon_666 Summary; Girls control Jr.'s life. And if he wants to get back to the old life he used to enjoy, he'll have to talk to the scary girl who likes to use a gun and who he likes to cuddle with.
Log;
It’d been quite a while since Elena had left the Durandal, but less time since Ranmaru had come to find her and drag her back, literally kicking and protesting the entire way. She hadn’t exactly been sulking during the entire time, though she had been actively ignoring the network, aside from the glance here or there. Mostly, she spent her time hiding out in the room that Ranmaru had brought her back to. Though, there was that one curse where she’d been a toddler once more and had pretty much attached herself to her ‘parents’ sides.
That hadn’t been so bad, but now the curse was over and Elena had gone back into her self-induced seclusion. Doing absolutely nothing. It was the laziest that she’d ever been and she was going to have to really put in some effort into getting back into shape once she finally found her drive to go back out.
Currently, Elena was lying on the bed, letting her head hang off the side so that the world appeared to be upside-down, hands resting on her stomach. She wasn’t focused on any one particular thought, but the central theme seemed to be the various relationships she’d had with people all throughout her life. Tseng and Jr. popped up quite a bit, to her slight annoyance, but Elena didn’t let the thoughts linger to save herself from the emotions that those kind of thoughts would bring.
It was a good thing that Shelley had been understanding about why he had needed back onto the Durandal that morning, or this would have been a pretty poor reunion. A shower and quick change was definitely necessary, though he didn't need any breakfast. Rubedo was sure to grab a certain something out of his room before being on his way.
The hunt for Elena wasn't too difficult. He knew most of her friends, and he could figure out which ones she would actually be willing to tolerate for more than one day, so it was easy enough to narrow the list down. Ranmaru had always been the one Rubedo liked best, even if he was a little wary of approaching him. He had known he was a friend of Tseng's as well.
The greeting at the door hadn't been the warmest, for sure, but once Rubedo had explained why he was there, the beautiful warrior had allowed him in. The redhead was actually shocked that his first guess had been the right one. He had been secretly terrified that Elena might be staying with Tseng, which would have wrecked everything.
After getting threatened in one of the most interesting manners possible if he upset Elena again, Rubedo went to the door that Ranmaru had pointed him to. It took him a moment to regain his composure, to stop fiddling with his tie, and to just knock on the door, hiding a gift-wrapped box behind his back with the other.
Given how formal Ranmaru and his lord were, Elena wasn’t surprised in the least to hear a knock on her door, though the fact that neither one called out to give her fair warning of who it was that had knocked did make her raise an eyebrow slightly. Still, she didn’t move from her spot on the bed, thinking nothing of it or who it might have been. Probably Ran checking up on me again, she figured with a mental shrug. He had been great about giving her space and not asking questions, but the boy did worry about her more than he needed to.
Debating for a moment if company, however well-meaning it might have been for whatever reason, would be welcomed or tolerated, Elena let out a breath and then decided it wouldn’t be that troublesome. It’d give her a reason to talk or perhaps an excuse to go out in search of food or something later on. Clearing her throat, Elena called out to whomever it had been that had knocked.
“It’s unlocked. And you don’t have to wait next time to come in Ran.”
He had to wince at being mistaken for Ranmaru. It wasn't like he had tried to trick her or anything...he had just been too scared that she wouldn't let him in if he'd called out immediately. It was after a moment’s hesitation that Rubedo turned the knob and opened the door, hoping he didn't look as nervous or scared as he felt.
Scared? More like terrified. But not for the reasons some might think. He wasn't afraid of her pulling a gun on him. He was afraid of being turned away. But Shelley's advice kept him rooted in his spot, waiting for her to notice him before thrusting out the box and blurting out an explanation before she had a chance to shut the door back in his face.
"Before you beat me with your present and throw me out, let me say something? I didn't run off because I was mad at you. What I mean is...I did, but not because I didn't want to work it out. It was because I was scared I'd lose control. You've seen me lose control before, and you know how bad that can be. I honestly thought I had grown up a little since then, but I guess I haven't. I was worried that if I saw you or Tseng again after that, I'd just lose control all over again, and the last thing I wanna do is hurt you."
His gaze drifted to the floor, tempted to keep it there, but he made himself look back up at her. She looked completely drained. Before he completely lost his nerve, he finished. "I just love you so damn much that I can hardly contain myself, Elena. Knowing that someone else kissed you like that drove me crazy, and I thought that maybe I could give you up, because I want you to be happy, but I'm not that strong. You can choose him if you want, but I won't give up on you, if...that's okay."
Breathless from his tangent, and flushed from embarrassment, Rubedo steeled himself for whatever her response would be. He already had his suspicions, but he was going to hope for the best.
It was…an extremely good thing that Elena was laying almost completely on the bed and not standing up. Because of all the people in she had been prepared to see, Jr. was pretty far down on the list. What with everything that had gone on between them and the fact that she hadn’t been the one to seek him out first... Elena’s first instinct was to grab her gun and start shooting as she screamed obscenities at the redhead.
And she had made it at least to a sitting up position, quickly brushing aside the vertigo change and the blood rush that came with it, reaching for her gun, before pausing, hearing the start of Jr.’s little speech.
She let him speak, let the words process in her mind, and then listen to the last little bit. A part of her was still mad at him, because it was so much easier to be mad at someone than it was to be sad, but there was also the part of her that was relieved he was speaking to her again. There was also the curiosity of the contents of the gift, but that could be saved for the very end.
Staying silent and bowing her head as she went over what it was that he was saying and what it meant, Elena bit her bottom lip as she grabbed an object within reach and finally reacted.
Throwing a pillow as hard as she could, Elena reached for another object to throw as she began shouting, slight beads of moisture in the corners of her eyes, but not letting anything more than those bits get through. “YOU STUPID ASS! And you didn’t think that running off, after giving me that LOOK of yours, wouldn’t hurt me EITHER?! You need to stop jumping to so many goddamn conclusions and GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THINGS!”
Elena wanted to say more, to somehow find the right words to say, but her emotions were too mixed up and overworked, not to mention the blood-rush was making her dizzy and light-headed, so that little outburst was all that she was capable of at the moment. That, and throwing the other pillow she’d grab at him as well.
The outburst was enough to make him want to hide, but then he realized that she could be throwing things a lot more dangerous than pillows. Still, he quickly lifted up the box as a makeshift shield, flinching more from her shrill tone than the pillows hitting him. By the time the next pillow hit, he had started backing into the hall, only to realize that they were not alone. He wasn't really sure how many people lived with Ranmaru, but he had seen a lot of doors in the hallway.
So unfortunately the best method was to dart back into the room with the angry woman once there was an opening, pulling the door shut as he did. She was livid, but at least she wasn't telling him to get the hell out. And so far she was only throwing very soft objects.
When he dropped the box, he snapped back quietly, "What kind of look did you expect out of me? He told me that he kissed you, and that you kissed him back! Can you even imagine what it felt like to hear that, on our damn anniversary of all days?!"
Still not stupid enough to get near the bed, he set the box down on the desk and folded his arms across his chest. "I already told you why I ran off. Staying there could have ended in an explosion. Literally."
Raising a hand to cover her eyes, partly as a guise to get her thoughts and emotions under control, and partly to help fight off the headache that had suddenly arisen. Taking several deep breaths, Elena picked her words carefully, not removing her hand from her forehead though.
“I had told you I still had feelings for him, though I hadn’t asked Tseng to tell you something like that on that particular day,” she said, in a much calmer tone, though still tight with anger. “When someone that you’ve had feeling for years for suddenly decides to kiss you, what kind of reaction would you expect from them as well? As for the explosion… Would you have really? With everyone else on board?”
Finally removing her hand, Elena let out another sigh and bowed her head, recalling what that kiss had pretty much done for her relationship with Tseng. “That kiss… was a resolution that had been a long time coming.”
He honestly didn't know about the explosion. He might have been able to stop himself...but there just had been no guarantee. He hadn't felt so betrayed in a long time. Even now as she explained herself, the bitter taste in his mouth didn't go away. Eyes darkening a bit, Rubedo shut his eyes and counted down from ten. He needed to stay calm. He'd had over a week to calm down, after all.
When he opened them again, he tried to keep his tone in check, though it still came out rather hoarse. "What would I have done if I was in your shoes? Are you forgetting about Sakura? Sure she's twelve, but I'm not getting any older. When I find a way to return her life to her, she's going to be able to finally grow up. Our relationship when I was a kid, it was...different from this, but it was still love. What if she grows up, and her feelings for me don't change? So then say, what if she wants to try again with me?"
One hand lifted out in front of him so that he could hold out one finger, glaring a bit as he spoke. "For one thing, I can tell you she wouldn't do that, if I was still with you. She would never do anything to damage me or you, even to make herself happy. That was something I expected out of Tseng, especially since he gave me his word." He held out a second finger.
"And for another thing, even if by some bogus reason she did, I know I wouldn't kiss her back. Even if she was alive, and of age, and even if I never fell out of love with her...I'm with you. I've never even been tempted to be with someone else. Resolution? That's horse shit. Don't give me some speech about you two needing closure. Sakura and I never got any, and we never will, and I'll keep on living like that."
If Jr. had wanted to say things that were capable of making Elena feel guilty, an emotion she hadn’t felt in a long, long time, then he had more than succeeded in doing so. It didn’t mean that she would take back her actions, but the repercussions were not ones that she would be happy to handle easily. Romance was such a pain. It made being a Turk seemingly a breeze in comparison.
“So crushing the trust of the person you love is also to be included in the job description of a Turk now?” Elena said dejectedly, bringing up her knees to her chest and hugging them tight. Guilt… Seemed like Elena had found something she hated worse than feeling helpless.
“… Feeling like a heel aside, I know it was wrong but I can’t say that I regret it. You and Sakura might be each other’s first loves, but for the longest time I had thought my feelings were one-sided. What with Tseng’s infatuation with the Flower Girl and my being just a stupid rookie, it wasn’t hard not to think so.”
“I’m not using it as an excuse, just so you know. Just… I don’t know what to say that could help in any way.”
It wasn't like he wanted to make Elena miserable, but he knew it would have been ridiculous if Elena hadn't felt guilty. Even though he could almost see her point of view with the unrequited love deal, she had still handled the situation poorly. It wasn't like he had forgiven her... But he still loved her.
"I don't think any words could help right now...from you or me." Having removed his shoes at the front door since it was a Japanese style interior, he was especially quiet as he stepped back to lean against the door.
"...But... You need to make a choice. I meant it when I said I wouldn't give up on you, but I'm not going to be something for you to settle for, either."
“I wouldn’t….” The decision on who Elena would choose had pretty much been already been made, hadn’t it? She might not have said it or done anything to truly show that she had come to a conclusion, but that still didn’t mean that she hadn’t already come to such a thing on her own. Though, there was the possibility that those around her who knew her had already figured out what her decision was as well.
To say it out-loud though… Elena had no regrets with her choice, but to say and give it voice still made a small part of her hurt. Like nailing the final lid on a coffin of a family member or locking away something once treasured and cherished beyond anything else. In a sense, that was what she was doing. But the reason she was doing it and who she was doing it for…
“I wouldn’t settle either. If I love someone, I’d rather choose to have them ignore me than to be the person that they simply settle for. So I wouldn’t do something so callous as to do that to anyone else. Especially to someone like you, who I only got to meet by ending up in this place and who’s been so important to me.”
Say it Elena, just say the damn words already. You’ve dragged this on long enough.
“I love Tseng and I don’t think I could ever stop loving him… But he and I won’t ever be anything more than what we are now. It’s just… I’ve moved past my unrequited feelings, so that relationship between us is enough for me. But… I would rather have my memory erased, or tortured to death, or never even see my own world again than to… to… Holy take it all… Rubedo, I love you.”
There. She’d finally said the words, plain and simple without any other words in-between… And he’d said that he loved her several times before. So why was she still so nervous about how or what Jr.’s reaction would be?
With the way the tangent had started, Rubedo felt his hopes just continue to dwindle. The jab about still loving Tseng made him wince...but then her words suddenly took an unexpected turn, and he was left standing there wide-eyed and breathless, looking as if he'd just been punched in the gut.
Those three words, really, were something he'd never even waited to hear out of her mouth. He had just figured she was incapable of saying it, for one reason or another. He'd always suspected Tseng was one of those reasons.
Rubedo was still so angry on many levels. The betrayal couldn't just be erased, and he was frustrated with himself for not really knowing what to do. But hearing her say those three words with such fierceness broke down his walls, and not in the sort of way that would lead to an impending apocalypse.
She was back on her bed in seconds, flattened from his tackle, with him curled up and hugging her fiercely. Problems aside, he would never lose sight of just how much she meant to him, and that was why he was holding back tears as he pressed his face against her shoulder.
She really didn’t know why she was still so nervous about what his reaction would be, but she was. Even as she was hugging Jr. back and squeezing him tightly, there was a part of Elena that was still nervous and unsure, guilt and anger aside as well. But she’d chosen, given it voice, and it seemed that the words were at least the right ones to get the ball rolling again.
Basking in the moment, of being close to Jr. and not caring that she had admitted to something so large as love to someone outside the Turks, Elena still knew that they had a lot to talk about. But that being hopeful aspect of her personality… It made itself known a touch by having her hope and think that at least they’d try somehow.
Finally relenting on her squeeze, Elena cleared her throat to gain Jr. attention.
“We still have to talk.”
With a sigh, he nodded and pulled back somewhat reluctantly. "...I know. I know." More than anything, he wanted to kiss her right then, but he struggled with that urge before squashing it and sitting up. Keeping a loose grip on Elena's hand, he absently stroked her knuckles and watched her face.
If she had more to say, then he wanted to hear it. He was still figuring where they could even go from there. Things had changed, for sure, but it didn't have to stay bad. Was it possible to love someone this much and not trust he? Did he still trust her?
He knew he didn't trust Tseng, but that wasn't really her problem.
Although she’d been the one to initiate the start of their conversation, it didn’t mean that Elena knew where to start. She wasn’t going to apologize for what she’d done, even if she did feel guilty about it. But she had to say something to try and fix the mess that still lingered between them.
With a sigh, Elena sat up as well, yet kept close to Jr. as well. She wanted to pull him into her arms and cuddle him like he was some kind of human-sized plush toy, but that would probably lead to more stalling than any kind of conversation happening between them. Cause it was easier to just cuddle and not say anything at all than to try and figure out how to fix relationship issues.
“….” Where to start? HOW to start? What to start off with? It was with a groan that Elena let her head fall to her chest and then slump to the side slightly, so that she was partially leaning on Jr.
“Bombs, crazed lunatics, plans to take over the world, enough red tape and paperwork to bury someone under… Hell, even kicking baby chocobos is easier than trying to figure out what I should be saying right now. All I know is that I messed up in ways I didn’t think I’d ever have to deal with, and though I won’t say that I regret it, I feel guilty about it.” Thinking on the fact that she did feel guilty about something brought forth a slightly sadistic, bitter smirk on her face. “Here I thought I’d forgotten how to feel guilty for doing bad things.”
Blinking as she suddenly leaned into him, he leaned back a bit so that he didn't end up falling over. She was bigger than him after all, sad as that was.
He was with her up until the last part, then pulled his hand back into his lap to stare hard at the floor, brow crinkling. She didn't regret it? Not even a little bit? That news hurt. That meant that even if she could have taken it back, she wouldn't have.
Rubedo fiddled with his tie absently as he finally muttered out, "You're only human. I didn't fall in love with a robot." There was another pause, then he spoke again, voice even quieter.
"...I don't even...want you ever seeing him again. I know how childish that sounds, and I know it's not happening so long as you're both here. But you guys'll always have that memory, and you'll be reminded when you see him." He let out a low growl without meaning to, fury once more glinting in his eyes. "He said he'd keep his distance... Damnit. Elena, I don't think it'd be safe for me to see him again. I'll lose it."
Ducking his head, he pulled a foot up to press against the edge of the bed, hugging his knee and resting his forehead there. "I'm doing my best to...to understand...but don't expect too much out of me. Even if you go see him or whatever, I can't allow him on the ship anymore. It's for his own safety."
If he was trying to make her regret her actions… He was doing a fair job of it. Even if she didn’t really feel regret and wouldn’t take it back, there was that part that was saying that perhaps she should feel a little regret. But that part of her was a part that she’s long, long since snuffed out and made silent. It would figure that he’d be the person to give that part a small voice again.
Jr. losing it. Tseng losing it. Her losing it. And they were supposed to be good at suppressing their emotions and controlling what actions resulted because of them. It made her wonder a little how someone else would have reacted in their situation.
It was with a grunt that Elena leaned back so that she was facing the ceiling and then turned so that she was slightly curled up around Jr. Almost as a gesture of full-body hug, though not quite one just the same. “I’m not saying that it’s unreasonable you wouldn’t want me seeing him again, but I can’t avoid seeing Tseng. But… I understand too and I know that you and him aren’t a good mix.”
“I have so many memories of him in danger…” she said quietly, closing her eyes. It was inevitable that the memories come back to her talking about this subject, and she couldn’t help but see them behind her closed lids. The temple. And Sephiroth. The triplets. But these weren’t the only memories that played out. Why was it that the ones she cared about always seemed to find danger? Jr. was certainly no exception to this. There was the first time she’d seen Jr. lose it and then the first time he’d died… “But I hadn’t seen him die like I have with you. And I don’t want to have any more memories like that either.”
The memory of his own death was enough to make him wince. Elena, Albedo, and MOMO had all been there. He could still remember that Elena had been the one to act cool-headed. The memory was fuzzy, as he'd lost blood so quickly, but he could still recall her talking sense into Albedo.
For some reason the memory made him smile, at least until he remembered how he got his life back. He had seen her die twice, even if he hadn't even realized it the first time. She had died right there as his life was returned to him, and he hadn't even suspected her. The second time, though, would always be etched into his memory.
"...I can't say I argue. It's a good thing he hasn't had to be around for you dying twice, because if he loves you half as much as I do, he would've been torn up inside." Rubedo's room still had various dents in the walls from his temper tantrum afterward. With a wry smile to try and lighten the mood, he reached to stroke her arm. "...You told me to not try and be blue."
“So I’m horrible at following my own advice,” Elena replied back lightly, a very faint smile attempting to make its way onto her face. “Doesn’t mean that it’s not good advice all the same.”
Avoiding the remark about Tseng’s feeling for her, Elena made a slight humming noise of something that seemed to be agreement to the statement, or could have just been a noise to keep the conversation going. She’d actually known, to a degree, what Tseng might have acted like were he to witness her death.
“Jr… You know, I was going to let you ask me questions, any question of your choosing, and answer them,” Elena remarked, seemingly out of the blue. “It’d almost be appropriate to have you ask them now than when I was originally going to let you ask them.”
That made him look up and over at her curiously. Questions? Did she mean as a present? About her personal life, well... He had questions, but at the moment he wasn't sure if he wanted to ask about that. It just wasn't the time or the place.
Still, he didn't want to completely disregard her suggestion...and he did have questions. They would be unpleasant, and possibly upset her, but they were things he needed to know. Blind trust was no longer something he could have in her...at least not for awhile. Unfortunately, he would need her to be clear.
"...Can I trust you to be alone with Tseng?" Rubedo averted his eyes. "You could say he won't do it again...but that's not what I'm asking. If he were to ever pull that again...can I trust you to clock him?"
Wincing, Elena might have originally simply said ‘yes’ in the beginning, before all this, but that might not have been so much the truth now. And the fact that she was very much aware of this made her pause and think about what the truth would have been. She could lie, but she tended to avoid it under most situations with a select few. And Jr. was in that group of few.
“I can promise that I won’t kiss back for certain,” Elena stated, firmly, but a touch slowly. She was thinking truthfully and honestly about the matter, hence why her answers were slow coming, but there was no other way to do it. “As for clocking… Would a slap suffice?”
Her hesitation did not go unnoticed, and it made him cringe a bit. He kept on staring at the door while thinking about that. A slap definitely sufficed... It was the least the bastard deserved. Honestly, after the talk they'd had at the cafe? And after Tseng had said he would keep his distance? Was that what being a Turk was all about? Lying?
He couldn't believe Elena was like that Wouldn't believe it.
"...Would you still want to kiss him back?"
“No.” She responded immediately, almost on instinct and without needing any time to think about it. That was one answer she already knew. She had her resolution and had made her choice. There was no need to go back or linger on anything. “I wouldn’t want to kiss him back, no matter what the circumstances might be.”
Her response immediately made Rubedo relax again. Suddenly so incredibly tired, as he definitely hadn't been sleeping well, he slumped back against her as well, letting his eyes slip shut. He wanted to ask if she really planned to try and return to his world with him, but they needed to take baby steps.
As he held her hand, he brushed his thumb over the ring. "Then that's all I need to know."
It seemed that it hadn’t taken her body long to have gotten so used to having another body sleeping besides her that when the situation had finally returned to normal, she was almost instantly hit with a wave of fatigue. Not that the entire ordeal hadn’t been taxing in its own right, but…
Of course there was still issues to deal with and problems that would linger and could crop up at any time, but for now, Elena was in such a state of contentment that any other thoughts were completely wiped out and forgotten.
Putting a hand over Jr.’s, Elena turned so that she was cuddling with him as well and gave in to the urge. Hugging him like the plush that she wanted to, Elena let a soft smile grace her face, letting out a small sigh as well. A quick kiss to the top of his head, and then she was out with a soft mummer.
“I don’t want anything else either.”