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tampered2007-10-29 11:17 pm
1hatwonder.livejournal.com) wrote in tampered2007-10-29 11:17 pm
log; complete
When; October 30, near wee hours in the morning
Rating; PG-13, for language and violence
Characters; Urahara (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
1hatwonder), Yoruichi (goddes_of_flash)
Summary; It was time that Urahara and Yoruichi ended their break, but coming face to face with each other isn't as easy as one would hope. FYI This was written before the last curse, so things might seem kinda strange.
Log;
Swallowing, she could feel the fear, the nervousness rise up in her throat, the urge to flee stirring like it always did. Say it..... that.... Licking lips to moisten a suddenly dry throat, she let her eyes slip closed and mentally traced over the words in her head. She could say them.... she'd said them before, though that had been in the heat of passion, really unaware of what she'd said, but this.....
Trembling, she fought back the nerves, trying to reach that calm place where she knew she could do most anything. "I....." A shuddering breath and she was burying her face in his shoulder, whispering against his skin. "I love you, Kisuke...so much....."
Shaking slightly, she tried to wrap arms around his neck, only halfway conscious of the bloody and torn state of her left arm, crimson smearing it's way across the shoulder of his haori as she managed to cling to him with both arms.
He pulled away slightly, noticing the state of her torn up hand. He didn't mean for her to hurt herself, but he couldn't help the temper that overtook them. "Let me fix it..." He spoke softly as he took up her hand in his own.
By no means did he have the healing powers that the fourth division had, but he knew enough for basic first aid - something he picked up during various missions and battles. He summoned some healing kidou in his hand and managed to stop most of the bleeding as well as repairing some of the tissue.
Pulling away completely, he moved to the connecting bathroom where he found some gauze and bandages. Upon returning, he sat on the edge of the bed and motioned her to him. Her hand seemed so delicate in his as he patted away the drying blood with a damp washcloth. He did all this quietly, carefully. A small, thin layer of gauze was placed on the cracked open skin before he began to wrap it.
He was reminded of the days past where they trained all day, both left brusied, cut, bleeding, but victorious. She was always pushing for hand-to-hand combat, impressing him with even punches and swift kicks without warning. It wasn't unusual for her knuckles to be split at the end of the day, and he'd sit mesmorized, watching her wrap them as he was now. There was something about it, those gentle fingers working diligently. He remembered she'd look at him questioningly, but he'd turn away and finish polishing his sword.
The wrapping was done, but he still held her hand. "Don't be afraid to say it." He knew he was more vocal than her, and probably always would be. "I like it...when you say it." He brought the hand to his lips, placing a feather-light kiss on top of the wrapping. Letting go, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her forward as he placed his forehead on her lower abdomen.
Watching as he carefully cleaned and bandaged the bleeding gashes in her hand and forearm, she chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. Normally whenever her hands were wrapped thus, it was her doing and for whatever reason he would sit and watch her as though it were the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen. At the time, she hadn't really thought much about it, about the reason why he seemed so concerned over something so simple and mundane as bandaging.
Glancing up and away as his arms slipped around her, his head finding itself pillowed against her stomach, she swallowed and mulled over his words. She... knew that. That he liked hearing it. Well alright she hadn't known it, since she'd never actually said it to him, but it didn't surprise her at all that Kisuke wanted to hear it more. He could really be a sap sometimes, but then he wouldnt have been Kisuke if he wasn't. Sighing slightly, Yoruichi let her gaze drop to the touseled blond hair.
"Kisuke, it's....." Turning her words carefully over in her mind, she tried to figure out the best way to phrase it. Did she feel it? Of course she did. It had only really ever been him, despite the many times she'd shared a bed or floor or couch with someone else for a night. Nothing else had ever really been serious. Sure, there'd been Soifon, and she wasn't about to lie and pretend none of that had ever happened, or that she hadn't... cared very deeply for the younger shinigami. But even then, even when it had been Soifon with her at night.... it wasn't Kisuke. And it still just.... hadn't felt right. Not the same way it felt to be curled up beside him, counting breaths in the darkness of the night. ".....it's hard...."
And it really was hard. Hard to admit to, and excruciatingly hard to actually say, the fact of simply hearing the words from her own lips was enough to make her tense up and feel like running. And maybe that would get easier with time, the way admitting it mentally to herself had gotten, but.... right now she wasn't so sure.
He nodded once, well knowing that whenever she was forced to confess it was difficult. He knew for so long, he often could hear her thoughts along with her, yet he had to hear it to be proven correctly. "Why did you do it? Why Greed? Why here?" It was so many questions burning inside, but speaking in low tones, keeping a loose grip around her so it would be more likely for her to answer.
His eyes didn't want to meet hers, he just wanted to hear what she had to say, try and make sense of the still painful beating of his heart.
She sighed, leaning her head back against the wall. "I don't..... it wasn't supposed to happen. Not...not like that. It was just.... just supposed to be a back-rub."
Tossing dark hair over her shoulder, she let her mind wander back over so many past events. "When I first came here.... and found out I couldn't leave..... I thought...I thought I'd never see you again. And....I didn't expect to....to feel as upset over it as I did. So....I tried to pretend I didn't. And he and I...."
She left it at that, knowing he was certainly smart enough to figure it out. "It was just the once, nothing serious. We stayed close, despite it. At least... close enough for him to be a friend when I needed one. And things just...." Closing her eyes, she bit her lower lip, surprised at the sudden rush of guilt and.... regret that spiraled up, enough to cause tears to prick at the corners of her eyes. "....I wanted you.... but..... I wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to be the same as always.....casual....no strings......I wasn't......wasn't supposed to feel so lost..."
That was all he wanted to know, the questions had to stop, seeing as how she was reacting now. "I'm sorry, I guess..." Guess what? That she didn't fell the same way? That she could easily as much as an enigma as he could, perhaps even more so. Sure, she was more carefree than him in some sense, as he could barely name even 2 names of anyone since being exiled other than her. "I'm sorry."
It had been a long, long, very long time since he had seen her cry, even well-up like this. He felt bad for doing things like this - making her hurt, making her say things that were difficult, making her choose him. He never wanted her to come with him to the Living World, to give up everything that was going so right for her and so wrong for him. He didn't want to bring her down with the guilt, regret, and shame he was forced to endure. Begging, pleading, he tried to make her stay, but when her hand slipped through his as they departed - he was reminded what this thing called love really meant.
"I didn't stop to consider the circumstances... I just felt betrayed." He was too soft, too forgiving, too much in love with this woman. He pressed his cheek into her warmth and sighed.
"You should...."
It wasn't very often that she felt this way, that she regretted her decisions, the choices she'd made. But right now... they'd been through so much, gone through so many trials. And now, after all of that, after all the times they'd come through unscathed.... she'd sullied all of that. It was so tempting to change forms, to just turn into the cat and go curl up somewhere high where he couldn't find her. But... she didn't really want that. She wanted him. She wanted to be held, to be reassured that things were still ok.
"Mm, but... You are right - I have no jurisdiction over what you do, and I should've never doubted you." A faint smile crossed his face, "I still... love you."
Looking up to her, he moved his hands to each side of her cheeks. "Please don't doubt my feelings." A tear had escaped the corner of her eye, and he brushed it away with the pad of this thumb. Pulling her down, so his face could meet hers, he placed a kiss to her forehead.
"I don't doubt you, Kisuke. If I doubted you, I never would have followed you into exile."
It sounded a tad cliche to her, a bit cheesy, but at the same time it was nothing but the truth. It was because of how deeply she cared for him, how much an integral part of her life he was that she'd been so willing, so ready to throw everything else in her life away if only to cling to the one person who made her feel truly alive in a way no one else could.
Maybe it was weak of her, but right now... she really didn't feel as though she could be strong. Be the strong, indomitable Yoruichi she always was, the one who stood and weathered the storms without blinking, without flinching and turning away. Ironic, in a way, that something so simple as this could bring those walls, those carefully-constructed barriers and fortresses down. Closing her eyes at the press of lips to her forehead, she took the moment to nuzzle up under his chin, like the cat who's form she so often took, arms slipping around his waist with near-bruising tightness.
It was ok, sometimes. Ok to be weak, to need someone, something. Especially when that something was so precious, so treasured. "Hold me, Kisuke....Just.....hold me and don't let go...."
He leaned back, pulling her with, until they were lying on the bed sideways, but he didn't care. She was upset and he had cruelly pressed her enough, forcing her to do more, admit more, than she was willing.
Cradling her to his chest, chin resting on the crown of her skull, he thought of their situation. Both had acknowledged the turmoil their feelings were causing to their duty as a shinigami and to each other. It was silly, really. Both were acting like two confused teenagers, and were no better than the children both had taught. Perhaps being outside of Soul Society for so long did this, perhaps this city had done this, but there was no going back. They had to accept this, at least that's what he had been trying to explain to Benihime, that at least he must stop trying to make up excuses for his openness of emotions to her.
Eyeing her injured arm, he lightly traced the bandages with one hand. He wanted to say something, something worthwhile, but nothing came to mind. Instead he just closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of her body pressed into his. It wasn't too long ago where even getting her to do this was a task in itself, and perhaps she was accepting the change as well.
Sighing, she felt herself relax, eyes flitting down to watch his hand as it traced the bandages on her arm. She'd probably have a scar there, the wood had cut deep, though it had thankfully missed any major tendons or nerves. Purring softly -- the gentle tracing felt nice -- she snuggled closer into him, not caring for the moment if she was being so open with her emotions, so accepting of the fact that Kisuke had become so much more than a habitual lover. He was.... well, she wasn't really sure what sort of label to put on it. He was hers, and that in itself was a rather odd feeling. She'd never been the possessive sort, not in any way. It would have been ludicrous to even conceive of the idea, what with the way she took up with things in life, but now.... strangely she could understand how he must have felt.
Kisuke was right, there had only been one or two other people in his bed since the two of them had left into exile, and though she'd never really questioned it before, the sharp lump in her throat that had risen the few times she'd returned home to the shop to see someone other then her leaving.... it made more sense now. Had she really.... been carrying this for so long, denying it even to herself?
With another heavy sigh, she lifted her head slightly to look up at him. "So what do we do now, Kisuke?.."
"Hmm..." He let out a heavy sigh, "I think we should stop tormenting ourselves like this. Remember our shinigami ways, and try not to let emotions get in the way of business. However, even though we've become rather emotional - accept it." It was common sense, but he had to say it, to hear it outloud.
"Do you agree?"
She was still shaken from everything, otherwise she would likely never have let him see her the way she was now, see her clinging to him this way, seeking.... what, she didn't know. "I.... I don't want to do this again...."
Tightening arms around him, she buried her face in his shoulder. "It's.... not the same as....when I go roaming..."
Roaming had always been different. It was her choice, her decision to seperate. But this sort of forced parting... she didn't like it. Not at all. Curling her legs up, she pulled herself tighter into a ball, still cuddled up to him, but her posture and demeanor made it perfectly plain that she was still seeking comfort, seeking an escape from the things that had upset her. Fear, heartache... those were relatively foreign feelings, and she just didn't know how to deal with them.
"Shhh..." His arms wrapped themselves around her. "I understand now..." He didn't like seeing her like this, knowing it was because of him. "I just got jealous, is all. I...I can't let anyone else have you anymore; I can't stomach it anymore."
He slid his hands to the front of her waist, and pushed past the opening of the robe. Wrapping arms around her, he wanted to get as close as possible, to be as connected as possible. "If someone had told me I'd ever be in love, I'd laugh and not believe it, but now if someone told me I couldn't love... I rather die. If you ever got killed, I don't know what I'd do. You know everything about me, and I you..."
Curling even tighter against him, she just nodded. "Don't want anyone else to have me...... just.... just you...."
Everything he was saying... she could relate to, in a way, even though the idea of some of it frightened her. Because just as he didn't want to share her, she wanted him all to herself. Nuzzling her face against his throat again she sighed, feeling the tension starting to ebb, the calmness starting to creep back into her mind.
Fingers moved up her back, massaging in slow, lazy circles in attempts to comfort her more. He felt her relax into his touch, easing the tension. "Mm." He replied softly as he closed his eyes. She was so warm, so soft, he was alway so intoxicated by her and her long hair he noticed she'd only let down around him.
"Then, I think we really have come to a mutual understanding." He relaxed himself more, shifting slightly for more comfort.
"I guess so. But.....what does it all really mean, you know? Like....."
Growling slightly, she raked a hand through her hair. This was the part of .... relationships.... that she didn't like, trying to map out and define the parameters and definitions and all the other crap -- which was what she generally referred to it as -- that went along with it. Which was probably why she'd never really been in one before. At least.... nothing that could really be qualified as more than a passing fling. Except for Kisuke. But things between her and Kisuke had always been nebulous, ill-defined. So much that was just understood and accepted, no clear boundaries and definitions and the like. And putting them there was.... a bit odd.
"I mean......gah, I don't know what I mean..."
Rolling to his side, he still was holding her close. "We are what you want us to be..." These kind of things confused him as well. There really was no name to it in Soul Society, and he had watched enough TV and people around him to have an idea. If it wasn't well defined, he didn't know how to put his thumb on it.
He untangled a hand from her waist and began combing it through her hair, pushing it past her ear, to try and see her face better. Searching for a definition, he couldn't think of one and just lied there watching her. "But we don't have to define it...."
Bandaged hand came to rest over top of his where it was cupped against her cheek. Defining this.... she didn't really know if she could. Any words that she came up with in her mind just somehow seemed to either fall short or just.... weren't right. Turning her head to press her lips against each fingertip, she sighed and nodded.
"I don't.... know how to define it. Or even.... how I want to define it. I just.....I can't be anything other than myself, and I don't want you to either. I just don't think I could do the whole.... "settle down" thing, Kisuke. It's just.. not in me. But.... I want this. I want it to always be there when I decide to stop roaming for awhile.... I want to know it's not going to change, that it's always going to be there. Like this..."
Swallowing hard, she steeled herself mentally, taking a deep breath and meeting his gaze again. "I...I love you. I don't.... want to put that away, and just..... forget it." It wasn't really that much easier to say, but.... maybe it would get easier, the more she accepted that it was true, admitted that it was true. And maybe if she did that... she'd have a better idea about the whole thing.
Nodding, he smiled softly. "And that's fine with me. I don't think you could just settle down either, nor I exactly..." But in truth, he already had. Ever since his exile, he felt limited, stuck, but when she came it didn't seem so bad afterall. And it almost seemed like she knew exactly when to come back, right when he was growing restless and frusterated; she'd come and ease his mind. He also already had so many obligations to take care of that going was never really a choice.
Fingers entwined with the banaged ones. "I just like this." He liked the ease, the avaliability, it worked and made sense, and he could see it in her as well.
"Yeah... me too." Rolling over slightly onto her back, she rested her head on his arm, head tilted towards his with a contented sigh. This.... worked. It worked, and it felt right and it just.... well, it just worked was all. And she liked it when things worked that way. Especially where Kisuke was concerned. The both of them were so tense at times, so restless.
It wasn't in either of their natures really to be lazy -- except for those scorching summer days where neither of them wanted to wear anything and they tended to just lounge around inside with iced lemonade -- which was probably why they'd always fit together so well, even since they were young. Where other people had been content to sit still and listen, they had fidgeted and fretted and eventually broken out of those boundaries and formed new ones of their own. Even now, it was often that the only time she really felt at peace, calm and serene was during those times when she was in his arms. Like this. And for a moment, she couldn't help but wonder why it had taken them so long to get to this point.
"Ne, Kisuke? Why'd we wait so long?"
She didn't have the answer, so of course the next-best thing was to ask him. Kisuke knew enough things that maybe he knew this too. And if he didn't... well, then she'd have to figure something else out.
"Well, we were quite busy... Dealing with all the mess with the Arrancar back at home. But before that, we were doing our own thing - you roaming, scoping out things for me, and I was fairly busy running various experiments and trying to keep up with Soul Society. We didn't really find time to really discuss this."
Rolling over to practially squash her in a playful jester, he finally propped himself up by an elbow, "We didn't sit still long enough to, if you think about it. You wouldn't stay for more than a couple weeks at a time. This is the longest we've spent time together, in this city."
"Augh! Kisuke, you're squishing me!"
Laughing, she let her head lean back on the mattress, hair spread out over the sheets, reaching up to cup his face with her hands, fingers combing through blond hair. "I know.... because I guess I always knew if.....if I stayed too long.........it would only get harder to leave."
Harder to leave, harder to not admit how attached she really was to him, how much she enjoyed being there with him, having his arms as her anchor. Pulling him down, she pressed her mouth to his, fingers tightening in his hair. "...the way it's so hard to leave now..."
"Mm, I didn't really think of it at the time..." It was true, he was usually too busy in general with things going about, but when she was around he felt much more at ease and was reminded of such emotions as they rushed back that first night of her return.
His thought process was cut off when her mouth met his, and he slowly returned the act, trying as best he could not to put any pressure on her injured arm. Her fingers were tangled in his hair, and he managed to cup her chin, bringing them closer.
Kissing him back, she felt herself relax, pulling back slightly. "Why so hesitant, Kisuke? I thought.... you wanted it too...."
Combing fingers through his hair, she cocked her head at him, wondering if maybe things had just... changed somehow, in a way she didn't understand. Or maybe it was the timing, or the fact that they'd just gotten through so much, just laid so many things on the table. But even so... she wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him. Not to sate any sort of desire -- everpresent or not -- but just... for the closeness, the intimacy. Ironic, in a way, that one who normally always eschewed that sort of thing would find herself... craving it.
"I do, very much so. Just this city has finally allowed us to realize these things. I've always thought about it, but distractions came pretty easily and we never spoke about it. I don't think we were ready until now." He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped, "We're stuck in the damned city, frusterated more than ever, and yet we're closer than ever."
Pressing lips back to hers, he made the kiss soft and pulled away. "And I think I've hurt you more than I have in the past - physically that is." He held up her hand, inspecting his wrapping.
"I'll live, Kisuke. It's not that bad. It'll probably scar, but it's not like I don't have plenty of those anyway. And besides..." She curled fingers carefully around his. "I'M the one who did it. Not you."
With a chuckle and a push, she rolled them over, folding hands over his chest and resting her head on them, tilting it to the side with a smile. "Mmm...this is comfy. Remind me to stay like this more often..."
"Just don't choke me~" He joked and slung an arm over her waist.
Closing his eyes, he felt his heart rate finally ease up with the lack of conflict. "Mmm... and I must remind myself to make sure no tea is anywhere near you when you get mad..." He released a sigh, "Or doors..."
Exhaustion was once again overcoming him, even moreso than it did when he lied on the couch. He didn't need a blanket, her body curled around his worked perfectly at keeping him warm. The thought of this morning going terribly wrong was rather frightening, but somehow they always managed to work through their differences, whether or not in the most calm of ways.
"Or just don't make me mad.....that's easier.....isn't it?...."
With a yawn, she resisted the urge to arch her back and stretch like the cat she so very much was, blinking her eyes sleepily. It wasn't really that late, but that was the way it was with fights. Whether physical or mental, with a sworn enemy or... the one who meant the most to you... it was still the same. The way the fight itself seemed to sap all strength, drain all energy, make it so hard to do anything other than simply curling up in the most comfortable place possible.
And the most comfortable place she could conceive of -- not just now, but anytime -- was curled up on Kisuke's chest, listening to his heartbeat and the even rhythem of his breathing. Really, the only thing that could have made it better would have been a warm, obliging sunbeam to play across her skin. Curling up closer against him, she felt herself relax, her own breathing settling into the soft rumbling purr that it so often did when she was content.
Talking... well, they'd really done enough of that hadn't they? Right now there were so many things to communicate that just... didn't seem to fit within the boundaries of spoken word.
"Mmm.... easier, yes..." Slow, lazy circles were traced by fingers on the skin exposed just above her hip.
Thoughts wandered - what was to become of them? Where were they going? It was hard enough to get here, it always had been, but when he got down to thinking about it - what next? Perhaps they'll decide one day, but if he could stay like this, if he could just be with her, see her content, strong, and free, then it didn't matter.
"In the morning," Which would be more like early afternoon at this rate, "I suppose we should fix that door..." He muttered softly.
"Uh-huh...." She was drifting off to sleep, energy expended in the fight earlier, but in spite of that she kept fighting it. Their time together suddenly seemed.... too precious, too valuable and she couldn't help but want to hold onto it as long as she could, rather then letting sleep take her.
"Ne Kisuke.......tell me a story....." It was a childish request, in a way, one that she didnt make very often. Not because she didn't like hearing of his exploits in the Living World, the missions he would take as a captain, or even just the innane little everyday happenings of the shop. She did, and it was ironically those simple, mundane everyday stories that drew her the most. That let her see the real Kisuke, behind all the masks and facades that he threw up.
Stretching, purr deepening like a lapcat curling up in it's favourite sunbeam, she nuzzled her face against his neck. "Please?"
"Well, let's see..." He stretched out his limbs and ran a hand through her hair. "I know lots of stories..."
Soft, thick... he had always loved her hair. "One time there was this girl, really strong, smart, and quite beautiful. However, she was quite stubborn - did I mention she was a princess? Anyway..." He yawned and tried to continue, "There was this really handsome, tall, charming knight, oh! and he was quite smart too, might I add. So... one day the princess disobeyed her father and tricked her loyal servant to ride her royal pony."
"Upon her escape from castle grounds, she ran into this knight. Not realizing how dashing he really was, because clearly he could see everything wonderful about her, she thought it wise to challenge him to a race. Well, she wasn't really fair about it, and dashed off. Over the mountain, through the forest, and when she finally looked behind her, he was gone...."
He wrapped his arms around her slightly tigher, "But the knight wasn't too far off, and saw the whole incident - of a dragon capturing the princess and flying off. The knight pursued the dragon, all day and all night and all day again until they reached it's lair. Well, to spare you the gorey details, because it'd take forever, I mean, it was quite an intense battle! Of course the knight won, and took the princess back home with him. Sadly, the horses didn't make it, so it took them quite a long time... and during that time, the princess lost some of her stubborness and fell quite in love with the knight. Truly. Madly. Obsessively in love."
He shifted his weight and placed a kiss to Yoruichi's temple, "So naturally they ran back home, married, and had babies~! Now wasn't that nice?"
She had pulled back to look at him at about midway through, expression turning from confusion into something resembling irritation and a deadpan look that plainly told him that right now he had -- in her opinion -- all the intellect of a casserole. Raising an eyebrow at him, she scratched her head. "Kisuke..... that sucked."
Despite the horrific story, she was actually enjoying herself. And the story -- bad as it was, which was to say BAD -- was nonetheless strangely nostalgic, a bit remniscent of their own story. She the noble princess, suffocated and stifled by the strictures of her society, he the vagrant knight who intrigued and captivated her. Even the idea of the princess challangeing the knight... Well, that was the way it had begun for the two of them, wasn't it? A haughty stare and assertion that she was indeed better than him, followed by the stubborn need to prove that. And indeed, on the way they had managed to fall in love. Just as he said. Truly. Madly. Nigh obsessively.
"And I am not about to get married and have babies, Mr. Urahara, so don't you get any ideas." Rolling over to lay on her back on his stomach, she leaned her head back, somehow managing to contort herself enough to meet his now upside-down gaze with a frown.
"Oh, I have many ideas, but that isn't one of them... Say, you love my stories... and neverending creativity... You asked for a story, I gave you one." He yawned widely, "You can tell me a story... or play with my hair, I like that too..." He continued to ramble, knowing she was still most likely quite awake.
She had spoken to him, but exhaustion finally took over him. He remembered he should reply, but... it was nice, her warmth, her soft hair tickling his skin, her own distinct smell. A slow heartrate, deeper breathing, and he was asleep with a hand curled into hers.
Rolling carefully back over onto her stomach when his voice trailed off, she took a moment to lay her head down on his chest, golden-amber eyes watching his even breathing, the way the ease of sleep seemed to take so many years off of the face she adored. Reaching up to brush pale hair from his eyes, she shifted slightly, nuzzling up under his chin, fingers shifting to lace through his as she sighed, allowing the mantle of sleep to finally claim her as well, breathing shifting into a soft, even purr.
Rating; PG-13, for language and violence
Characters; Urahara (
1hatwonder), Yoruichi (goddes_of_flash)Summary; It was time that Urahara and Yoruichi ended their break, but coming face to face with each other isn't as easy as one would hope. FYI This was written before the last curse, so things might seem kinda strange.
Log;
Swallowing, she could feel the fear, the nervousness rise up in her throat, the urge to flee stirring like it always did. Say it..... that.... Licking lips to moisten a suddenly dry throat, she let her eyes slip closed and mentally traced over the words in her head. She could say them.... she'd said them before, though that had been in the heat of passion, really unaware of what she'd said, but this.....
Trembling, she fought back the nerves, trying to reach that calm place where she knew she could do most anything. "I....." A shuddering breath and she was burying her face in his shoulder, whispering against his skin. "I love you, Kisuke...so much....."
Shaking slightly, she tried to wrap arms around his neck, only halfway conscious of the bloody and torn state of her left arm, crimson smearing it's way across the shoulder of his haori as she managed to cling to him with both arms.
He pulled away slightly, noticing the state of her torn up hand. He didn't mean for her to hurt herself, but he couldn't help the temper that overtook them. "Let me fix it..." He spoke softly as he took up her hand in his own.
By no means did he have the healing powers that the fourth division had, but he knew enough for basic first aid - something he picked up during various missions and battles. He summoned some healing kidou in his hand and managed to stop most of the bleeding as well as repairing some of the tissue.
Pulling away completely, he moved to the connecting bathroom where he found some gauze and bandages. Upon returning, he sat on the edge of the bed and motioned her to him. Her hand seemed so delicate in his as he patted away the drying blood with a damp washcloth. He did all this quietly, carefully. A small, thin layer of gauze was placed on the cracked open skin before he began to wrap it.
He was reminded of the days past where they trained all day, both left brusied, cut, bleeding, but victorious. She was always pushing for hand-to-hand combat, impressing him with even punches and swift kicks without warning. It wasn't unusual for her knuckles to be split at the end of the day, and he'd sit mesmorized, watching her wrap them as he was now. There was something about it, those gentle fingers working diligently. He remembered she'd look at him questioningly, but he'd turn away and finish polishing his sword.
The wrapping was done, but he still held her hand. "Don't be afraid to say it." He knew he was more vocal than her, and probably always would be. "I like it...when you say it." He brought the hand to his lips, placing a feather-light kiss on top of the wrapping. Letting go, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her forward as he placed his forehead on her lower abdomen.
Watching as he carefully cleaned and bandaged the bleeding gashes in her hand and forearm, she chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. Normally whenever her hands were wrapped thus, it was her doing and for whatever reason he would sit and watch her as though it were the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen. At the time, she hadn't really thought much about it, about the reason why he seemed so concerned over something so simple and mundane as bandaging.
Glancing up and away as his arms slipped around her, his head finding itself pillowed against her stomach, she swallowed and mulled over his words. She... knew that. That he liked hearing it. Well alright she hadn't known it, since she'd never actually said it to him, but it didn't surprise her at all that Kisuke wanted to hear it more. He could really be a sap sometimes, but then he wouldnt have been Kisuke if he wasn't. Sighing slightly, Yoruichi let her gaze drop to the touseled blond hair.
"Kisuke, it's....." Turning her words carefully over in her mind, she tried to figure out the best way to phrase it. Did she feel it? Of course she did. It had only really ever been him, despite the many times she'd shared a bed or floor or couch with someone else for a night. Nothing else had ever really been serious. Sure, there'd been Soifon, and she wasn't about to lie and pretend none of that had ever happened, or that she hadn't... cared very deeply for the younger shinigami. But even then, even when it had been Soifon with her at night.... it wasn't Kisuke. And it still just.... hadn't felt right. Not the same way it felt to be curled up beside him, counting breaths in the darkness of the night. ".....it's hard...."
And it really was hard. Hard to admit to, and excruciatingly hard to actually say, the fact of simply hearing the words from her own lips was enough to make her tense up and feel like running. And maybe that would get easier with time, the way admitting it mentally to herself had gotten, but.... right now she wasn't so sure.
He nodded once, well knowing that whenever she was forced to confess it was difficult. He knew for so long, he often could hear her thoughts along with her, yet he had to hear it to be proven correctly. "Why did you do it? Why Greed? Why here?" It was so many questions burning inside, but speaking in low tones, keeping a loose grip around her so it would be more likely for her to answer.
His eyes didn't want to meet hers, he just wanted to hear what she had to say, try and make sense of the still painful beating of his heart.
She sighed, leaning her head back against the wall. "I don't..... it wasn't supposed to happen. Not...not like that. It was just.... just supposed to be a back-rub."
Tossing dark hair over her shoulder, she let her mind wander back over so many past events. "When I first came here.... and found out I couldn't leave..... I thought...I thought I'd never see you again. And....I didn't expect to....to feel as upset over it as I did. So....I tried to pretend I didn't. And he and I...."
She left it at that, knowing he was certainly smart enough to figure it out. "It was just the once, nothing serious. We stayed close, despite it. At least... close enough for him to be a friend when I needed one. And things just...." Closing her eyes, she bit her lower lip, surprised at the sudden rush of guilt and.... regret that spiraled up, enough to cause tears to prick at the corners of her eyes. "....I wanted you.... but..... I wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to be the same as always.....casual....no strings......I wasn't......wasn't supposed to feel so lost..."
That was all he wanted to know, the questions had to stop, seeing as how she was reacting now. "I'm sorry, I guess..." Guess what? That she didn't fell the same way? That she could easily as much as an enigma as he could, perhaps even more so. Sure, she was more carefree than him in some sense, as he could barely name even 2 names of anyone since being exiled other than her. "I'm sorry."
It had been a long, long, very long time since he had seen her cry, even well-up like this. He felt bad for doing things like this - making her hurt, making her say things that were difficult, making her choose him. He never wanted her to come with him to the Living World, to give up everything that was going so right for her and so wrong for him. He didn't want to bring her down with the guilt, regret, and shame he was forced to endure. Begging, pleading, he tried to make her stay, but when her hand slipped through his as they departed - he was reminded what this thing called love really meant.
"I didn't stop to consider the circumstances... I just felt betrayed." He was too soft, too forgiving, too much in love with this woman. He pressed his cheek into her warmth and sighed.
"You should...."
It wasn't very often that she felt this way, that she regretted her decisions, the choices she'd made. But right now... they'd been through so much, gone through so many trials. And now, after all of that, after all the times they'd come through unscathed.... she'd sullied all of that. It was so tempting to change forms, to just turn into the cat and go curl up somewhere high where he couldn't find her. But... she didn't really want that. She wanted him. She wanted to be held, to be reassured that things were still ok.
"Mm, but... You are right - I have no jurisdiction over what you do, and I should've never doubted you." A faint smile crossed his face, "I still... love you."
Looking up to her, he moved his hands to each side of her cheeks. "Please don't doubt my feelings." A tear had escaped the corner of her eye, and he brushed it away with the pad of this thumb. Pulling her down, so his face could meet hers, he placed a kiss to her forehead.
"I don't doubt you, Kisuke. If I doubted you, I never would have followed you into exile."
It sounded a tad cliche to her, a bit cheesy, but at the same time it was nothing but the truth. It was because of how deeply she cared for him, how much an integral part of her life he was that she'd been so willing, so ready to throw everything else in her life away if only to cling to the one person who made her feel truly alive in a way no one else could.
Maybe it was weak of her, but right now... she really didn't feel as though she could be strong. Be the strong, indomitable Yoruichi she always was, the one who stood and weathered the storms without blinking, without flinching and turning away. Ironic, in a way, that something so simple as this could bring those walls, those carefully-constructed barriers and fortresses down. Closing her eyes at the press of lips to her forehead, she took the moment to nuzzle up under his chin, like the cat who's form she so often took, arms slipping around his waist with near-bruising tightness.
It was ok, sometimes. Ok to be weak, to need someone, something. Especially when that something was so precious, so treasured. "Hold me, Kisuke....Just.....hold me and don't let go...."
He leaned back, pulling her with, until they were lying on the bed sideways, but he didn't care. She was upset and he had cruelly pressed her enough, forcing her to do more, admit more, than she was willing.
Cradling her to his chest, chin resting on the crown of her skull, he thought of their situation. Both had acknowledged the turmoil their feelings were causing to their duty as a shinigami and to each other. It was silly, really. Both were acting like two confused teenagers, and were no better than the children both had taught. Perhaps being outside of Soul Society for so long did this, perhaps this city had done this, but there was no going back. They had to accept this, at least that's what he had been trying to explain to Benihime, that at least he must stop trying to make up excuses for his openness of emotions to her.
Eyeing her injured arm, he lightly traced the bandages with one hand. He wanted to say something, something worthwhile, but nothing came to mind. Instead he just closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of her body pressed into his. It wasn't too long ago where even getting her to do this was a task in itself, and perhaps she was accepting the change as well.
Sighing, she felt herself relax, eyes flitting down to watch his hand as it traced the bandages on her arm. She'd probably have a scar there, the wood had cut deep, though it had thankfully missed any major tendons or nerves. Purring softly -- the gentle tracing felt nice -- she snuggled closer into him, not caring for the moment if she was being so open with her emotions, so accepting of the fact that Kisuke had become so much more than a habitual lover. He was.... well, she wasn't really sure what sort of label to put on it. He was hers, and that in itself was a rather odd feeling. She'd never been the possessive sort, not in any way. It would have been ludicrous to even conceive of the idea, what with the way she took up with things in life, but now.... strangely she could understand how he must have felt.
Kisuke was right, there had only been one or two other people in his bed since the two of them had left into exile, and though she'd never really questioned it before, the sharp lump in her throat that had risen the few times she'd returned home to the shop to see someone other then her leaving.... it made more sense now. Had she really.... been carrying this for so long, denying it even to herself?
With another heavy sigh, she lifted her head slightly to look up at him. "So what do we do now, Kisuke?.."
"Hmm..." He let out a heavy sigh, "I think we should stop tormenting ourselves like this. Remember our shinigami ways, and try not to let emotions get in the way of business. However, even though we've become rather emotional - accept it." It was common sense, but he had to say it, to hear it outloud.
"Do you agree?"
She was still shaken from everything, otherwise she would likely never have let him see her the way she was now, see her clinging to him this way, seeking.... what, she didn't know. "I.... I don't want to do this again...."
Tightening arms around him, she buried her face in his shoulder. "It's.... not the same as....when I go roaming..."
Roaming had always been different. It was her choice, her decision to seperate. But this sort of forced parting... she didn't like it. Not at all. Curling her legs up, she pulled herself tighter into a ball, still cuddled up to him, but her posture and demeanor made it perfectly plain that she was still seeking comfort, seeking an escape from the things that had upset her. Fear, heartache... those were relatively foreign feelings, and she just didn't know how to deal with them.
"Shhh..." His arms wrapped themselves around her. "I understand now..." He didn't like seeing her like this, knowing it was because of him. "I just got jealous, is all. I...I can't let anyone else have you anymore; I can't stomach it anymore."
He slid his hands to the front of her waist, and pushed past the opening of the robe. Wrapping arms around her, he wanted to get as close as possible, to be as connected as possible. "If someone had told me I'd ever be in love, I'd laugh and not believe it, but now if someone told me I couldn't love... I rather die. If you ever got killed, I don't know what I'd do. You know everything about me, and I you..."
Curling even tighter against him, she just nodded. "Don't want anyone else to have me...... just.... just you...."
Everything he was saying... she could relate to, in a way, even though the idea of some of it frightened her. Because just as he didn't want to share her, she wanted him all to herself. Nuzzling her face against his throat again she sighed, feeling the tension starting to ebb, the calmness starting to creep back into her mind.
Fingers moved up her back, massaging in slow, lazy circles in attempts to comfort her more. He felt her relax into his touch, easing the tension. "Mm." He replied softly as he closed his eyes. She was so warm, so soft, he was alway so intoxicated by her and her long hair he noticed she'd only let down around him.
"Then, I think we really have come to a mutual understanding." He relaxed himself more, shifting slightly for more comfort.
"I guess so. But.....what does it all really mean, you know? Like....."
Growling slightly, she raked a hand through her hair. This was the part of .... relationships.... that she didn't like, trying to map out and define the parameters and definitions and all the other crap -- which was what she generally referred to it as -- that went along with it. Which was probably why she'd never really been in one before. At least.... nothing that could really be qualified as more than a passing fling. Except for Kisuke. But things between her and Kisuke had always been nebulous, ill-defined. So much that was just understood and accepted, no clear boundaries and definitions and the like. And putting them there was.... a bit odd.
"I mean......gah, I don't know what I mean..."
Rolling to his side, he still was holding her close. "We are what you want us to be..." These kind of things confused him as well. There really was no name to it in Soul Society, and he had watched enough TV and people around him to have an idea. If it wasn't well defined, he didn't know how to put his thumb on it.
He untangled a hand from her waist and began combing it through her hair, pushing it past her ear, to try and see her face better. Searching for a definition, he couldn't think of one and just lied there watching her. "But we don't have to define it...."
Bandaged hand came to rest over top of his where it was cupped against her cheek. Defining this.... she didn't really know if she could. Any words that she came up with in her mind just somehow seemed to either fall short or just.... weren't right. Turning her head to press her lips against each fingertip, she sighed and nodded.
"I don't.... know how to define it. Or even.... how I want to define it. I just.....I can't be anything other than myself, and I don't want you to either. I just don't think I could do the whole.... "settle down" thing, Kisuke. It's just.. not in me. But.... I want this. I want it to always be there when I decide to stop roaming for awhile.... I want to know it's not going to change, that it's always going to be there. Like this..."
Swallowing hard, she steeled herself mentally, taking a deep breath and meeting his gaze again. "I...I love you. I don't.... want to put that away, and just..... forget it." It wasn't really that much easier to say, but.... maybe it would get easier, the more she accepted that it was true, admitted that it was true. And maybe if she did that... she'd have a better idea about the whole thing.
Nodding, he smiled softly. "And that's fine with me. I don't think you could just settle down either, nor I exactly..." But in truth, he already had. Ever since his exile, he felt limited, stuck, but when she came it didn't seem so bad afterall. And it almost seemed like she knew exactly when to come back, right when he was growing restless and frusterated; she'd come and ease his mind. He also already had so many obligations to take care of that going was never really a choice.
Fingers entwined with the banaged ones. "I just like this." He liked the ease, the avaliability, it worked and made sense, and he could see it in her as well.
"Yeah... me too." Rolling over slightly onto her back, she rested her head on his arm, head tilted towards his with a contented sigh. This.... worked. It worked, and it felt right and it just.... well, it just worked was all. And she liked it when things worked that way. Especially where Kisuke was concerned. The both of them were so tense at times, so restless.
It wasn't in either of their natures really to be lazy -- except for those scorching summer days where neither of them wanted to wear anything and they tended to just lounge around inside with iced lemonade -- which was probably why they'd always fit together so well, even since they were young. Where other people had been content to sit still and listen, they had fidgeted and fretted and eventually broken out of those boundaries and formed new ones of their own. Even now, it was often that the only time she really felt at peace, calm and serene was during those times when she was in his arms. Like this. And for a moment, she couldn't help but wonder why it had taken them so long to get to this point.
"Ne, Kisuke? Why'd we wait so long?"
She didn't have the answer, so of course the next-best thing was to ask him. Kisuke knew enough things that maybe he knew this too. And if he didn't... well, then she'd have to figure something else out.
"Well, we were quite busy... Dealing with all the mess with the Arrancar back at home. But before that, we were doing our own thing - you roaming, scoping out things for me, and I was fairly busy running various experiments and trying to keep up with Soul Society. We didn't really find time to really discuss this."
Rolling over to practially squash her in a playful jester, he finally propped himself up by an elbow, "We didn't sit still long enough to, if you think about it. You wouldn't stay for more than a couple weeks at a time. This is the longest we've spent time together, in this city."
"Augh! Kisuke, you're squishing me!"
Laughing, she let her head lean back on the mattress, hair spread out over the sheets, reaching up to cup his face with her hands, fingers combing through blond hair. "I know.... because I guess I always knew if.....if I stayed too long.........it would only get harder to leave."
Harder to leave, harder to not admit how attached she really was to him, how much she enjoyed being there with him, having his arms as her anchor. Pulling him down, she pressed her mouth to his, fingers tightening in his hair. "...the way it's so hard to leave now..."
"Mm, I didn't really think of it at the time..." It was true, he was usually too busy in general with things going about, but when she was around he felt much more at ease and was reminded of such emotions as they rushed back that first night of her return.
His thought process was cut off when her mouth met his, and he slowly returned the act, trying as best he could not to put any pressure on her injured arm. Her fingers were tangled in his hair, and he managed to cup her chin, bringing them closer.
Kissing him back, she felt herself relax, pulling back slightly. "Why so hesitant, Kisuke? I thought.... you wanted it too...."
Combing fingers through his hair, she cocked her head at him, wondering if maybe things had just... changed somehow, in a way she didn't understand. Or maybe it was the timing, or the fact that they'd just gotten through so much, just laid so many things on the table. But even so... she wanted to touch him, kiss him, hold him. Not to sate any sort of desire -- everpresent or not -- but just... for the closeness, the intimacy. Ironic, in a way, that one who normally always eschewed that sort of thing would find herself... craving it.
"I do, very much so. Just this city has finally allowed us to realize these things. I've always thought about it, but distractions came pretty easily and we never spoke about it. I don't think we were ready until now." He couldn't help the chuckle that escaped, "We're stuck in the damned city, frusterated more than ever, and yet we're closer than ever."
Pressing lips back to hers, he made the kiss soft and pulled away. "And I think I've hurt you more than I have in the past - physically that is." He held up her hand, inspecting his wrapping.
"I'll live, Kisuke. It's not that bad. It'll probably scar, but it's not like I don't have plenty of those anyway. And besides..." She curled fingers carefully around his. "I'M the one who did it. Not you."
With a chuckle and a push, she rolled them over, folding hands over his chest and resting her head on them, tilting it to the side with a smile. "Mmm...this is comfy. Remind me to stay like this more often..."
"Just don't choke me~" He joked and slung an arm over her waist.
Closing his eyes, he felt his heart rate finally ease up with the lack of conflict. "Mmm... and I must remind myself to make sure no tea is anywhere near you when you get mad..." He released a sigh, "Or doors..."
Exhaustion was once again overcoming him, even moreso than it did when he lied on the couch. He didn't need a blanket, her body curled around his worked perfectly at keeping him warm. The thought of this morning going terribly wrong was rather frightening, but somehow they always managed to work through their differences, whether or not in the most calm of ways.
"Or just don't make me mad.....that's easier.....isn't it?...."
With a yawn, she resisted the urge to arch her back and stretch like the cat she so very much was, blinking her eyes sleepily. It wasn't really that late, but that was the way it was with fights. Whether physical or mental, with a sworn enemy or... the one who meant the most to you... it was still the same. The way the fight itself seemed to sap all strength, drain all energy, make it so hard to do anything other than simply curling up in the most comfortable place possible.
And the most comfortable place she could conceive of -- not just now, but anytime -- was curled up on Kisuke's chest, listening to his heartbeat and the even rhythem of his breathing. Really, the only thing that could have made it better would have been a warm, obliging sunbeam to play across her skin. Curling up closer against him, she felt herself relax, her own breathing settling into the soft rumbling purr that it so often did when she was content.
Talking... well, they'd really done enough of that hadn't they? Right now there were so many things to communicate that just... didn't seem to fit within the boundaries of spoken word.
"Mmm.... easier, yes..." Slow, lazy circles were traced by fingers on the skin exposed just above her hip.
Thoughts wandered - what was to become of them? Where were they going? It was hard enough to get here, it always had been, but when he got down to thinking about it - what next? Perhaps they'll decide one day, but if he could stay like this, if he could just be with her, see her content, strong, and free, then it didn't matter.
"In the morning," Which would be more like early afternoon at this rate, "I suppose we should fix that door..." He muttered softly.
"Uh-huh...." She was drifting off to sleep, energy expended in the fight earlier, but in spite of that she kept fighting it. Their time together suddenly seemed.... too precious, too valuable and she couldn't help but want to hold onto it as long as she could, rather then letting sleep take her.
"Ne Kisuke.......tell me a story....." It was a childish request, in a way, one that she didnt make very often. Not because she didn't like hearing of his exploits in the Living World, the missions he would take as a captain, or even just the innane little everyday happenings of the shop. She did, and it was ironically those simple, mundane everyday stories that drew her the most. That let her see the real Kisuke, behind all the masks and facades that he threw up.
Stretching, purr deepening like a lapcat curling up in it's favourite sunbeam, she nuzzled her face against his neck. "Please?"
"Well, let's see..." He stretched out his limbs and ran a hand through her hair. "I know lots of stories..."
Soft, thick... he had always loved her hair. "One time there was this girl, really strong, smart, and quite beautiful. However, she was quite stubborn - did I mention she was a princess? Anyway..." He yawned and tried to continue, "There was this really handsome, tall, charming knight, oh! and he was quite smart too, might I add. So... one day the princess disobeyed her father and tricked her loyal servant to ride her royal pony."
"Upon her escape from castle grounds, she ran into this knight. Not realizing how dashing he really was, because clearly he could see everything wonderful about her, she thought it wise to challenge him to a race. Well, she wasn't really fair about it, and dashed off. Over the mountain, through the forest, and when she finally looked behind her, he was gone...."
He wrapped his arms around her slightly tigher, "But the knight wasn't too far off, and saw the whole incident - of a dragon capturing the princess and flying off. The knight pursued the dragon, all day and all night and all day again until they reached it's lair. Well, to spare you the gorey details, because it'd take forever, I mean, it was quite an intense battle! Of course the knight won, and took the princess back home with him. Sadly, the horses didn't make it, so it took them quite a long time... and during that time, the princess lost some of her stubborness and fell quite in love with the knight. Truly. Madly. Obsessively in love."
He shifted his weight and placed a kiss to Yoruichi's temple, "So naturally they ran back home, married, and had babies~! Now wasn't that nice?"
She had pulled back to look at him at about midway through, expression turning from confusion into something resembling irritation and a deadpan look that plainly told him that right now he had -- in her opinion -- all the intellect of a casserole. Raising an eyebrow at him, she scratched her head. "Kisuke..... that sucked."
Despite the horrific story, she was actually enjoying herself. And the story -- bad as it was, which was to say BAD -- was nonetheless strangely nostalgic, a bit remniscent of their own story. She the noble princess, suffocated and stifled by the strictures of her society, he the vagrant knight who intrigued and captivated her. Even the idea of the princess challangeing the knight... Well, that was the way it had begun for the two of them, wasn't it? A haughty stare and assertion that she was indeed better than him, followed by the stubborn need to prove that. And indeed, on the way they had managed to fall in love. Just as he said. Truly. Madly. Nigh obsessively.
"And I am not about to get married and have babies, Mr. Urahara, so don't you get any ideas." Rolling over to lay on her back on his stomach, she leaned her head back, somehow managing to contort herself enough to meet his now upside-down gaze with a frown.
"Oh, I have many ideas, but that isn't one of them... Say, you love my stories... and neverending creativity... You asked for a story, I gave you one." He yawned widely, "You can tell me a story... or play with my hair, I like that too..." He continued to ramble, knowing she was still most likely quite awake.
She had spoken to him, but exhaustion finally took over him. He remembered he should reply, but... it was nice, her warmth, her soft hair tickling his skin, her own distinct smell. A slow heartrate, deeper breathing, and he was asleep with a hand curled into hers.
Rolling carefully back over onto her stomach when his voice trailed off, she took a moment to lay her head down on his chest, golden-amber eyes watching his even breathing, the way the ease of sleep seemed to take so many years off of the face she adored. Reaching up to brush pale hair from his eyes, she shifted slightly, nuzzling up under his chin, fingers shifting to lace through his as she sighed, allowing the mantle of sleep to finally claim her as well, breathing shifting into a soft, even purr.