tampered | Can we forget the past? Maybe I'm not able.

Current Mood: stable
Current Location: Sarah's

Can we forget the past? Maybe I'm not able.

When; Early the day of Match 2nd
Rating; PG-13. I doubt the girls are going to go any higher.
Characters; Waverly Raine [

light_lost] and Sarah Williams [

charmedillusion]
Summary; Sharing is caring. Waverly explains her past after Sarah ate one of her secrets. She also shares designs from before Lent.
Log;

She couldn't remember the last time she'd ever explained what had happened. No, she was decently sure that she never had. Back there it had never come up. As far as she was aware only she and Lucifer knew how she had come to live there. She supposed it was time to share anyway. Not that it would do much to make things better. The past was something she always felt was better left there. Drudging it up only stirred up problems. Still, she couldn't deny an explanation for that stupid candy heart. Not to Sarah at least.

She closed her eyes, steadying herself. Enough had gone wrong in the past month. Thomas gone, Ted gone - though she wasn't sure if that was a blessing or not. She'd miss Ted horribly, but not his counterpart. She wanted Mitsuhide to return to the apartment most of all. Where had he been all month if not in the apartment.

Then of course there was the drama with Lady. It seemed the world was up in arms about it. Really, if the woman didn't put herself out there so much she wouldn't be involved in so many messes. At least Waverly had a good reason when she did. Everything was to protect her friends. Sometimes she wondered if others simply did such things because they were board. Pathetic really. Then again, she'd lived with this sort of idiocy for nineteen years - longer if she counter all that she had to deal with during college. She was used to people making productions to gain attention.

She pulled her white double breasted Pea coat tighter over her evening outfit. She wouldn't let other's instability bother her. She had enough to deal with at the moment. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she braced herself before knocking on the door to Sarah's apartment.

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Sarah had put away the last of the ingredients and was transferring the breakfast - chocolate chip pancakes, the breakfast equivalent of cookies - to the dining room, quite pleased with the result. It had taken her less than a week after her mom moved to realize that unless she wanted to eat pizza everyday for the rest of her life, she would have to learn how to cook. It hadn't been that hard - she got some cookbooks and simply followed the instructions. It was soothing, really. She found herself cooking sometimes even when she didn't need to, just to get her mind off things. It was nice to be able to step back and look at something you had made, especially when it was for someone else.

At the sound of the knock, she hastened to the door, pausing with her hand on the doorknob.

She had been in the hospital room when Waverly woke up; she had been in the room everyday before the waking; but she hadn't seen Waverly out and about, let alone here in her apartment, in quite a while. On the one hand, she was thrilled that her friend was well again; on the other, she noticed herself withdrawing, her rising tendency to protect taking prominence. She didn't want Waverly to worry about anything. She had had far too much already.

Smiling, she took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Waverly. I'm so glad you're here."

She couldn't help smiling brightly at seeing Sarah. The other never ceased to make her day that much better; no matter what was going on with either side. She wanted to know what was going on with her friend, but that would have to come after. She really wanted to just get this part over with as fast as she could.

As she entered she noticed the necklace that Sarah had. She'd never seen it before and reached out to indicate it, but not touch it. "Something new?" Ever curious and her guard down around her good friends. It was nice to just be herself and not pretend the way she had to. Especially here in the City.

Sarah nodded, touching the necklace briefly. "It was a present."

She wouldn't lie to her friend if she asked about it further, but for the moment, she didn't say anything more. Ushering Waverly into the dining room, where the coffee and the pancakes were already set out, she sat down, patting the chair closest to hers invitingly.

She wasn't entirely sure what their storytime would consist of, but she didn't feel right asking directly. Handing Waverly the cream and sugar, she said instead, "I've been trying to guess what books you would pick out for me, but I think I should just give up, especially since you're here now."

She, of course, noted the owl. She could guess who it was from by that. She wouldn't say anymore as Sarah seemed to not want to go into such things. She only hoped he was treating her right. Otherwise he'd get more then just an earful. Not that she could do much more the kick and slap.

She removed her coat and set it on the back of the chair before taking the cream and sugar. A bit of a laugh before she spoke again. "You keep handing me things and I won't be able to get them out for you." She really did like to tease her friends a little. It was fun.

She placed the cream and sugar down on the table and waited for Sarah to take a seat. It was rude to sit before the host did after all. "They're nothing too exciting honestly. Just some light reading."

Part of her wanted to say more, to tell Waverly all about it. She hadn't had many opportunities to chat, just us girls, and until now, she never had a reason. Having been able to bring the subject up, however briefly, with Megumi and Rose had been such a welcome change, and it pained her that she couldn't do so now, with someone so close to her. But she knew Waverly didn't like him - it hadn't taken her very long to realize that - and she had already promised herself not to say or do anything that would worry her.

So she focused instead on heaping in the cream and sugar in Waverly's cup herself, glancing up to smile in response to the teasing. She was sure anything Waverly picked would be well worth liking.

Wrapping her hands around her own coffee cup, enjoying the warmth, she waited, unable to start eating or drinking at the moment. She wanted Waverly to feel as comfortable as possible; she could only hope she had helped, even the smallest bit.

"I'm guessing there isn't anything I can say or do to make this easier for you, is there?"

She sat, taking up her own cup and stirring it with the spoon to cool it. She watched the cream swirl around in tan and white motions for a long moment. She was thinking on how to answer.

What would make things easier was if Thomas came back, but that wasn't going to happen. Plus, if he did he would most likely not remember her. That really was something hard to take. Still, this was the nature of the City, and she had decided to accept it when she had decided to make it her home. For however long she would be here.

She glanced up at Sarah with a small smirk on her face. "How about we talk like normal and you don't hide things from me." She gave the other a small wink. "That would make things easier. That way I wouldn't have to guess."

Sarah found herself smiling, though she was still gazing down at her coffee. Waverly had cornered her fair and square; there was no way she could argue with that. Actually, it was something of a relief. But there was no way she could divert attention to herself when this was supposed to be Waverly's time.

"Deal," she said, looking up. "We'll talk like normal, no hiding, and I'll answer anything you ask. But first I want to hear about you."

She gave a small laugh at the comment. Hear about her. Nothing was going on with her really. Her eyes fell to her own coffee as she removed the spoon and set it aside on a clean napkin. "Nothing really. Both Ted, or Ed I guess, and Thomas are gone." Her words were soft, becoming softer at the mention of Thomas. She knew she would miss him most of all. Even if it had been guiltless flirting, maybe she understood a little what love was like. Missing someone and knowing they missed you in return. It seemed that was something that would hurt to give up.

She couldn't even talk with Harry about it because he was in his own little love struck world. Not to mention Lady's dramatic whatever. Since Waverly had been here she couldn't even remember the number of times that woman had something going on that everyone needed to know about. To be quite honest, Waverly thought the woman should just lock herself in a room if her life was that dramatic and in danger. It really was pathetic.

"Or did you mean the reason for the candy heart?" She took a small sip of her coffee to find it cooled enough to drink. "Which heart did you get again? I know there were at least two regarding me floating around." She made light of it even though it was something serious indeed. Funny, how one seemed to try to keep things jovial when they were at, or about the worst. Well, some did at least.

She hadn't known about Ted or Thomas - regarding the former, she felt a twinge of guilt, still not sure if there was any way any of them could have avoided hurting him like they did; regarding the latter, she was genuinely sorry. She hadn't known him well, but he had helped bring Waverly back, and she knew the two had been close.

Silently, she reached out and squeezed Waverly's hand.

"I meant whatever story it was you wanted to share," she replied softly, "Was it the candy hearts, then? I had eaten the one about your dad."

She smiled a little at the touch. Sarah always was so much warmer then she was used to. She had known people like Harry. You were good for the time you were good for; otherwise you weren't worth worrying about at all. It still angered her that he seemed to have not cared at all about why Doris had stopped coming out at all. What did he think, that she'd suddenly decided to become a hermit? That was just ridiculous. "Ah, well, they're both interconnected really."

There was another pause; and she wished that she still had a spoon in her coffee. Something else to concentrate on besides the next few words. "The other secret was that I tried to kill myself. Twice, actually." The second had been passive, but it was still an attempt all the same.

She gasped softly, involuntarily squeezing Waverly's hand even harder. The room felt very small suddenly, and she forgot about the food entirely.

There were no words she could speak at that moment, none that would convey what she was feeling. She looked over at her dear friend, wondering what could have happened, how her father could have hurt her that much.

Without another word, Sarah got up and promptly knelt down by Waverly's chair, reaching out to embrace her.

She hugged her back, lightly placing the almost spilled coffee on the table. It had cooled, but it was still hot enough to leave a red mark if spilled onto skin. "It's really alright." She managed out with a small laugh. It was fake really. It wasn't alright and she'd never be over what happened, but she could pretend.

"Besides, it was three years ago." She decided not to let known that the other had been less then a year ago. "It's also how I came to live where I do now. If not for that then I doubt I could ever survive here."

Excuses, so many excuses that she was good at rambling them off as if they were fact. It was a blessing and a curse rolled into one neat little ball.

She drew back slightly, enough to look at her friend, still concerned despite her brave attempts to brush it aside. Something like that wasn't all right at all. Sarah had known Waverly hadn't had the best relationship with her father, but she hadn't known it had come to this.

Looking down, hoping to allow Waverly some space, she spoke up quietly. "Your father didn't have any idea you would try, did he?"

The question made the woman start to laugh. An action unexpected even to herself. The longer she laughed the larder she laughed; until her face was bright red and she was gasping for air.

"He didn't care." She finally managed out. She was still laughing though. The idea of his having any idea of who she was at all just seemed so funny to her. He'd never cared if she was alive or dead. Just as long as he could put her to good use.

Her laughter at a time like this left Sarah feeling cold, inside and outside. She could feel her arms prickle into gooseflesh; she clutched her arms with both hands, leaning back slightly. She understood why Waverly was laughing, but she was secretly, inwardly horrified. That man...he hadn't any right to have been anyone's father. Doubtless he was oblivious to the damage he had inflicted as well.

As strange as it was, she was glad Waverly was laughing about it, that she was releasing some sort of emotion - any sort - on the subject. Sarah didn't know how many years Waverly had been keeping it all inside, but she guessed it had been going on for longer than her friend would admit.

Her voice was still quiet when she spoke, but it was strong. "Then he didn't deserve you."

She tried not to laugh anymore, but Sarah's words were just as funny as her last. "So I've been told." She couldn't help finding all this funny. She wasn't pitying herself, she'd just faced the facts years ago. She wasn't worth that kind of love. That was all there was to it.

"In truth, he just didn't want me." It was the honest truth. He'd told her so that day. He'd never wanted her. It may have been different had she been a boy, but as it was she was useless.

She chose her next words very carefully. "But you still feel you betrayed him. Why?"

"I couldn't be what he wanted me to." She glanced down quickly, avoiding Sarah's eyes. This was something she was, and would always be ashamed of. "Everything he wanted I scorned. I even made him believe that I was doing just what he wanted." There was an exhale of air from her nose. Almost a quiet snort.

She didn't want to tell Sarah about the men. How they would take liberties with her person and she wouldn't really be able to do anything but politely try to stop it. It was honestly the thing she was the most ashamed of.

For a moment she kept the silence. Then she qot up and quietly went back to her chair, which was still close enough to maintain their comfortable proximity.

It was back to gazing down into the coffee cup again, as she knew Waverly was making herself highly vulnerable right now, and she wanted to find the right balance between being supportive and giving her the space she needed.

"You couldn't give him what you yourself had never received."

"Oh he didn't want love." She amended. No, she doubted the man knew what love was. She knew she didn't have the first clue about it - except for Thomas. "He wanted me to be useful. To marry someone who could follow in his glorious footsteps and maybe after that I could be used in other ways."

She couldn't help looking up and giving Sarah a half of a smirk. "It's pretty common in those sorts of circles."

What she wanted to say was sharp - acidic, even - and she could feel the words building up, keeping just slightly ahead of the indignance that was rising nearly as quickly. Useful. Used. She did not have to meet him to know that he could not possibly have a correct understanding of what being useful actually entailed.

Despite whatever he had done, he was still Waverly's father, and she was not going to speak cruelly of him, even if he may have deserved it.

She took a sip of her largely untouched coffee before replying.

"I'm very glad you're not in that sort of circle anymore."

Edited 2008-03-02 20:48 (UTC)

There was another bit of a laugh. "I did well for the time I was there." She admitted. Even now she was almost perfect at it. Throwing snide compliments and speaking half or false truths at others. She doubted they even noticed.

"You did," she replied quickly, unthinkingly, her tone slightly more brittle than she'd intended. Then, with more care, she continued, "I'm sure you did learn while you were there. But I can't pretend I'm not glad you're not in that situation."

She ventured to look up then, offering a soft smile. "Thanks for sharing that with me. It means a lot, Waverly."

She nodded a little; slightly lost in her own world. "It, doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would." The comment was more to herself then anyone else. She'd expected it all to come back - like when she had spoken to Doris the first time they met. It didn't though.

Somehow, it seemed as if she were telling Sarah a story and not about her life. As if she had never really lived it. It was odd how things could change. Just knowing that someone was out there, someone who could care so much for you even if it had only been a few months. Something like that could change everything.

She thought about her friend's words before answering, weighing her own thoughts carefully.

"Sometimes...sometimes it can be surprising. Sometimes we think we won't recover, but we do."

She nodded. "It's just been there for so long. Like a wound that won't heal properly." She really thought about it. It was probably him who helped it heal. Nothing sweet or overbearing. Just lighthearted and kind. She hadn't been expected to be something she wasn't. He'd accepted her and worried for her how she was. Perhaps in spite of that. "I wish I could have thanked him."

She took up her coffee again and drank a bit. "You know, it's funny how things can turn out exactly how you didn't expect. So how are you and your necklace benefactor?" She worried, but at the same time knew Sarah was an adult. She couldn't make the girl's decisions for her.

"Thanked...Ted? Or..." Sarah's voice trailed off.

She nodded once in affirmation - yes. Yes, it was funny. Funny and strange, sad and wonderful, frightening and comfortable all at once.

She smiled a little out of embarrassment more than anything else, fingering the necklace again with only the tips of her fingers. "I didn't break my promise. I promised you I wouldn't see...him...when you asked me not to, and I didn't."

There. She said it.

She imagined she'd feel lighter, but having said it, it occurred to her that Waverly must have already known. She must have. Sarah lifted her gaze curiously, watching her friend for a reaction.

"But later, right?" She couldn't help smiling. Seeing someone she cared so much about being happy made her happy too. Even if she felt a hole in herself from the loss of the elder Dresden.

She reached out and let her free hand rest on Sarah's. "Is he treating you well?"

She noticed Waverly didn't directly answer the question, but she decided to let it go. She had pulled enough out of her today, and breakfast wasn't even over yet.

Sarah felt tremendously relieved at her friend's smile, and smiled back. "Yes, later. And...yes, he was very polite."

She lowered her gaze, still smiling, her face happily aglow.

"I wanted to tell you so much, but I was worried I'd concern you."

She felt as if her silence on the topic betrayed everything.

To the words she just smiled and shook her head. "So long as he's treating you well and not making you cry, that's all I ask for." It really was. All she wanted in the world was for those she called 'friend' to be happy.

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Can we forget the past? Maybe I'm not able.

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