tampered | Log; ongoing

A part of her hadn't wanted to tell Jake like that. She'd known that doing it that bluntly, feeding that much truth to him through a funnel...Even if it was really only a couple of months before she'd died, it seemed like a lot had happened in that time span. Maybe it had. Maybe it was hindsight.

Maybe it was too late to be rethinking her words anyway, so she might as well shut up and get going.

She'd been here long enough to lose most of her inhibitions on morphing in front of strangers. Mostly. It wasn't something she was about to do in the square, of course, but on a quiet street...sure. She got looks and sometimes people said something, but in general...this was the city. There were all types here. So she opened her window, morphed bald eagle and soared toward the square.

Which was busy. And it was kind of...nostalgic, this sort of rendezvous. A very meet-me-at-the-mall kind of rendezvous. Only it was just them, and Rachel didn't have shopping to look forward to.

Her sharp eyes scanned the crowd, but she didn't try too hard to find him. There was an easier way.

< Hey, Jake, where are you? >

Thought speak. Jake looked up out of habit, and scanned the sky for the silhouette of anything familiar. Unless bald eagles were common in the city (Jake doubted it), he had spotted Rachel.

Jake bit his inner lip to keep the criticism of Rachel's chosen morph from showing on his face. There was time for that later. Jake stood up, feigning a yawn to hide his wave. It was a motion passerbys would have dismissed as a stretch, but obvious enough to any sharp eyes in the sky.

It felt good to be a bird. It was one of the few morphs she'd made regularly since she'd arrived at the City. She recalled all the times Marco would bitch and whine about how it would be great to use morphing without having to worry about being revealing a secret.

And sometimes she felt a little sore about it. Everyone else got to get that glory, that applause for a job well done. She got the City. What a trade. So catching the thermals as an eagle would have to be enough. Make up for it, sort of.

And Jake was still being...sneaky. Rachel would have laughed if the eagle had had those sort of capacities. Instead she veered off to her right and demorphed beside a clothing store. She picked up the small pouch that had previously been attached to her eagle-talon and stepped inside.

And stepped out with flip-flops and a pair of shorts over her leotard. She wasn't going to win any fashion contest, but she was passable now, at least. It took her a moment to find Jake from this direction, but she finally found him trying to look casual on the steps.

She wriggled her fingers in a small wave. "Hey, Jake."

Rachel hadn't taken into account what it would be like...seeing Jake again after so long. Or what felt like so long. He was...different than she remembered. Younger. Less serious. But constant, in his Jake way. She smiled. "Been a while. For me, anyway."

"Hey, Rachel. Trying out a new look?" Jake gave her his usual slow grin. To him, Rachel seemed the same as always. Confident, beautiful (Marco's words, not his), and fearless. Even though they had never been close, the fact Rachel was here was a relief to Jake.

"How have you been?" Jake scooted over, making enough room to accommodate Rachel. It was typical banter, perfected after years of inconspicuous mall meetings. Of course, his eyes showed his true meaning. If what Rachel had said before was true, Jake wanted to hear the entire story.

She grinned and did a little turn on the catwalk. "I make do with what I've got."

And then it got serious really quickly--too quickly. Her smile faded and plopped down next to her cousin, staring up at the sky rather than over at him. It would be harder to explain it all and also look him in the eye. He'd been the one to tell her what had to be done...and now she had to tell him? What sort of sick irony was that?

What kind of game was the Ellimist playing now? Because it was getting old, real fast.

"I've been pretty good. Moving in with...an alien." She laughed dryly, the words sounding as ridiculous as they were true. "How about you?"

"Supergirl, right?" Jake had read enough comics to know about Supergirl, and about where she had originally come from. "I talked to her earlier. You two will get along."

Jake's smile lessened, as he thought about how to address Rachel's question. "Ignoring the fact I went from the mall to here? Not bad." It was strange how easily lies came nowadays. He wanted to ask what she had meant when she had said she was dead (Jake still had a hard time processing it), and if she really had died, how? The last question was one he wasn't sure he wanted an answer to.

She put her hands together and bowed her head slightly, her sharp grin mostly hidden beneath her hair. "Good to have your blessing, Jake. I don't know what I would've done without it."

"The mall, really? Well, it's a nicer story than mine." She knew he didn't mean his noncommittal response, and it was a given that they wouldn't--couldn't--be so honest with one another. Rachel and Jake had always responded better in life-or-death situations. Orders and quick reactions. But when it came to small talk, they really would hit an emotional dead-end after a while, relying simply on exchanges of wit. She wondered if this was something that had always been true, or simply a result of war.

"Which is something you want to hear about, I guess. My story."

Jake couldn't help but grin. "I'm glad my opinion means so much to you." Even as cousins, they had never been too close. When it came to advice, Jake would usually approach another member of their group. Their personalities and interests were too far apart for them to ever relate on a superficial level.

"I'm listening." Simple, to the point. There was a single question Jake wanted to ask, but decided to hold on to it until Rachel had finished her part. He wanted to believe in the positive, and hold on the optimistic hope that the war had ended well. But Jake knew better.

"Well, I don't think...I'm...too ahead of you. It just all came apart so quickly, I suppose. I mean, Marco had to fake his death and went to saved his parents. Went to live in the Hork-Bajir colony--it feels so weird to say Hork-Bajir again." She chuckled nervously, but plowed on as if she hadn't interrupted herself.

"And..we were found out, like we knew we would be. They knew we were human, they knew who we were. We...we got our families out, except-" Except for you, but it wasn't your fault, Jake. There really wasn't anything you could have done. Tom had thought ahead. "Tom got your parents. Cassie..." She couldn't go through all this. Maybe a part of her wanted to spare Jake. Maybe another simply wanted to spare herself.

"The Yeerks got the Escafil device. And the war went public, finally, after too long...And we fought, and we made some big decisions...some important decisions, I guess. You made some important decisions." Not mistakes.

And I went in, and I killed your brother. And then I died. How dramatic was that? God, it made it all sound a lot worse than it actually was. Rachel cleared her throat.

"We did what we had to, and we won." She didn't know that for sure, but it sounded nice.

Tom got your parents. A dim roar drowned out Rachel's explanation after those four words. It wasn't possible. There was no way Jake would have allowed Tom to- He would have stopped Tom.

Jake knew sooner or later the Yeerks would have discovered they were human. They had taken too many risks, and he knew that sooner or later their luck would have run out. He had never planned for it, and now his parents had paid the price.

They had won? Did it matter? Jake knew he was being selfish, but right now, all that mattered was his family. He knew Rachel was hiding something. It was a skill he learned after playing 'leader' for so long.

"What happened to Tom? What happened after we won?" Jake asked, without his usual level tone.

Leave it to Jake to not drop it. If it had been Marco, he would've...No, even Marco would have wanted to know if his parents had lived. But it wasn't fair. Marco saved them both. Even his mother.

And what did Jake get? Turmoil. Depression. But war wasn't fair. Not that it stopped Rachel from feeling pissed off.

Jake looked like he was trying to act unaffected. This meant he was most definitely affected. And Rachel owed him enough to at least look him in the eyes while she told him.

"Jake..." She began as she swiveled her body toward him. "You made a decision had that to be made. And you knew that I could do it. You knew I could handle it. And I get that." And Rachel wasn't sure what that said about her, but she'd told herself long ago to stop questioning the reasons behind his decision.

Her eyes flicked away from his momentarily, looking up instead at the mass of people around them, none of them affected or aware of the gravity of the weight she was about to place on his shoulders again. But he deserved to know. Deserved to know who he was, just as she was aware now of who she was.

"You sent me to the Blade Ship where Tom was in control. I killed him, and then I died."

Her voice cracked on the word 'died' rather than 'killed'.

No.

Rachel had said the only thing Jake couldn't bear to hear. Tom had been one of the reasons he had kept fighting the stupid war, one of the only reasons that kept him motivated. And he had sent in Rachel? Jake wanted to convince himself that it was a fluke, but he knew better. If he really had ordered Rachel to go in, then he had really wanted Tom dead.

Jake kept silent for a few minutes, watching people go by as his head buzzed with thoughts. The Yeerks had the morph cube. His parents were controllers. Their identities had been compromised, and Rachel was dead. Tom was dead. He had never wanted to be leader. He hated having to make decisions, but it wasn't the time to think of that.

"I'm sorry." Jake tried to keep the mental fatigue out of his voice. It wouldn't have been right to yell at Rachel, after his future self had knowingly made a decision to send Rachel on a mission like that.

Rachel didn't look over at him. She wasn't sure why she'd done this. It wasn't necessary. He didn't need to know this stuff at all, really. It would only bother him, make him feel like shit and...

A part of her had wanted to know how Jake would react to his decision. She'd never seen the outcome, not really. So maybe it was selfishness, in the end. Now that she had a Jake on hand, she figured he might as well be as plagued with bad memories as she was.

"Don't be. It's done, I'm here, and...I didn't have a place in a world where the war was over." She finally did look at him.

"Didn't you guys always tell me you worried...worried if I could handle going back to that?" Rachel frowned slightly, and then forced the expression away. "Well, I don't know. Maybe your decision was the only right one. For...everyone."

Christ, how pathetic were they going to get? Rachel stood up quickly, trying to leave the memories on the steps behind her. "We won, Jake. That's all that matters."

Of course Jake had wondered how Rachel would have handled going back to routine life. All of them knew that Rachel had finally found her place in the war, and that it was impossible for her to go back to being 'old' Rachel. It was impossible for all of them, in fact. But there was no sense dwelling on that now.

"You're right. You helped end the war, and that's-" Jake stopped. What could he say? Sorry you died Rachel, but at least you helped end the war? Jake knew better than the sugar coat words with Rachel.

"We did what we had to." Jake finally added, looking directly up at Rachel. "We finally won."

Every hero has a tragedy. Who'd said that? Maybe she was making it up, but it felt true, sometimes. She could tell by looking at Jake's face right now. By watching Cassie and how she'd hardened without anyone noticing. By running her fingers across Tobias' feathers.

She tried to smile, but the expression fell flat. "We did. I just hope you didn't beat yourself up too badly about it. You were...pretty down when they got your parents."

Down being the understatement of the millennium.

If Rachel had been a different sort of person, and if Jake had been a different sort of leader, she might have reached out to touch him, to comfort him. But they weren't, so she didn't, her arm hanging limp at her side.

It was probably better that way. If Rachel had reached out, he would have felt that she really was dead, and that would have made the reality all more too real. He had plenty of time later to think about what Rachel had told him. Until then, he could play fearless leader.

"It was probably difficult for you to talk about it." Jake's face was expressionless; smiling seemed inappropriate, and for once it felt impossible to force one. "My roommates are probably wondering what's keeping me, so-" Jake stopped. Would Rachel see it as a sad attempt at an apology if he invited her over?

"You should come over sometime." Jake finished lamely.

continued here (http://community.livejournal.com/tampered/665493.html?thread=11041429#t11041429).

Yeah, sorry to hear you died, but we decided to plan some ice breakers this afternoon, so see ya later?

Very touching. And yeah, a part of Rachel was hurt. Was that a crime, to maybe expect some sort of reaction from Jake? It would have felt awkward and out of character, but that didn't mean that she didn't want it to happen. Was she being a hypocrite? Yes, but she'd been worse things before.

Maybe the person she really wanted to be talking to was Cassie. She was the one who knew how to react, how to comfort, how to smooth down those rough edges just when everything was about to explode. And Jake just wasn't Cassie.

"Difficult? Yeah, I guess." It had been, in its own way, but coming to the City had dulled that pain, for obvious reasons. It felt like a vacation, sometimes. It was harder telling Jake he was behind it. It was harder telling him about...Tom. And who was the hand dealing that blow.

"Yeah, that sounds...good. You're staying where?"

"I'm rooming with two other guys, Sirius and Remus. They're pretty cool." The talk seemed cheap, way too fake after such a heavy conversation. If they had this conversation before this war, Jake didn't know how he would have reacted. It didn't matter anyway, that was the past.

He gave Rachel directions to the apartment he was living at, noticing silently that Rachel seemed disappointed, as if she had expected a different reaction from him. Jake was tired of all the expectations by now. He had to make the decisions, make the choice between life or death. Was it too much for him to ask for a break?

"Come over sometime." He finished, with a ghost of a smile.

Log; ongoing

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