Log; Complete

[warped-inside.livejournal.com]

When; Tuesday morning
Rating; G
Characters; Toshiko Sato warped_inside and Anakin Skywalker coercible
Summary; Advice and a helping hand
Log;

Toshiko sits on a rocky outcropping near the base of the lighthouse, watching the waves crash into the beach below her. It's less quiet here than the sandy stretch of beach where she usually runs with Shin, but there are too many memories attached to that place for her right now.

There are memories attached to this one too, but she's hoping to channel a little of the calming influence Ishiah always offered her. And the sound of the water lulls her mind in a way that something more peaceful wouldn't.

There were certain times when his connection with the Force became more useful than normal. Today happened to be one of those times. After all that had been going on in the City, it had been a surprise to find that this feeling outshone everything else today.

But he was doubtlessly glad for it, given who it concerned.

Letting his feelings guide the way, Anakin found himself near the beach again. Making his way across the sand- with a slightly gratuitous use of the Force to keep him from sinking -Anakin approached the lighthouse. Or more precisely, the figure huddled below it. He stops a short distance away, leaning against the rocks further across. Had Tosh had any form of Force Perception, then she may've felt that reach he made across to her, trying to sense where was safe to tread just then.

"It's nice and peaceful out here."

Any connection between Tosh and those with Force sensitivity has always been one-sided, so she doesn't notice Anakin's approach. But despite this, his voice doesn't startle her either, so maybe there's something deep down that lets her know she's not alone.

Still looking downward at a pebble she's been turning over and over between her fingers, she smiles a little wryly. "I wish it weren't so far to come."

"At least the journey here isn't as bad as it could be." Beyond having to travel through a forest, that is. Though to date, Anakin still hadn't seen hide nor hair of any of these supposedly dangerous creatures that lived there.

Pulling his robes tightly around himself- he was still a desert boy, after all -Anakin found himself a better position. He hand an inkling that this wasn't to be a simple conversation. Something was off about Tosh, and it had been for a long time. He just had no idea why.

"It seems a good place to come to think." About any number of things.

"I love it here," Tosh admits, shifting to the side a bit to offer Anakin more room if he wants to sit by her. She has her coat and scarf wrapped around herself -- even used to the colder weather, the wind is biting out here by the water.

Sighing a little, she turns her head up to look at her friend. Of all the people who could have come upon her in her solitude, Anakin is one of the few she isn't inclined to chase away. He's a solid, calm presence, and she needs that right now.

"Do you miss them?"

He takes the unspoken offer without a second thought, and heads over to join her. There's still a space between them, even as he takes a seat. But it is one he's likely to fill, given the way the conversation seemed to be heading.

"Of course." His own gaze is of over the ocean. A distraction of sorts. He'd already promised every member of his family that he wouldn't allow their separation to affect him negatively again. "They were more than simply family. They were my friends too. And it is difficult to suddenly not have them here any longer."

He finally looks over to Tosh, a calm smile on his face. He's being completely honest when he adds, "But this is how things are meant to be right now. And I accept that."

"I don't really miss my real family," Tosh states quietly, wondering if she should feel more guilty about that then she does. But then they've never been really close, not emotionally so, and her enforced distance from them during her work with Torchwood has made it easier to accept that she won't see them again. "I never imagined I'd have anything that I would miss very much. My team were the only real friends I ever had. Then I came here, and sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I hadn't."

It's entirely unfair to the friendships she's built in the city, and part of her feels ashamed for thinking it. But she's coming to a point where she doesn't know how to move away from the past, and it's becoming oppressive.

"It is different for each person." And he wouldn't blame her for how she felt. There were times for most people where they were placed in a similar position. Not all of them were willing to admit to it. At the mention of her friendships though, he pauses, just watching Tosh for a short while. Eventually, though, he looks away. Back to the scene in front of them again.

"Because you have drifted away from your team, or because of the friendships you have formed here?" The ones that she's lost, thanks to the whims of the City. Was she really regretting her time there that much?

A long silence precedes Tosh's answer, and when she speaks there's an underlying tone of mingled sadness and bitterness.

"I've lost their trust. I've lost any sense of direction, sometimes I wonder if it's true that I haven't got a decent sense of what's moral. Or at least what other people think is. I've lost so many friends. I try to get used to the idea, that it's always going to be like this, but it's one thing to be lonely when you know you won't have all that long to live with it anyway. It's quite another when you know it's going to last forever."

Anakin hadn't any clue about what exactly had happened between her and the rest of Torchwood. The one thing he knew was that it had been Jack's decision. And it seemed like Tosh still wasn't happy with that. In some ways, he could empathise. It was one thing to gain your freedom, but it was another to have it forced upon you.

"It doesn't have to be like this, Toshiko. Not if you don't want it to be." Some things may be beyond a person control, but that didn't mean you had to accept things as they were. Things always change. "No matter who is here or not, you will always have a friend. You aren't the type of person to deny that for yourself."

Tosh holds out her hands in a gesture of futility. "I don't know where to go from here, Anakin! I guess I could handle this constant coming and going, meeting people and learning to love them and then losing them again, if I had something to hold on to. Something worthwhile that I could feel proud of."

She bows her head and presses her palms against her eyes. "I feel like instead of being here, on the rocks where it's safe and makes sense, I'm out there. And I don't know how to get back."

"You're searching for a purpose." It's a statement; Tosh has already said as much. When she had Torchwood, she had a goal she was always driving toward. Anakin had just assumed that since leaving the team, she'd found a new focus in her own business. It would be enough to keep her busy; both physically and mental. But apparently he was wrong. And he could see why. There was a difference between finding a way to occupy your time and finding an actual reason for your actions.

"It is always possible to find a way back. It just sometimes takes longer than others." Not to mention that she wouldn't be left out there alone. No matter what Tosh may've thought, she had too many people there that would want to be part of the search party. She was already more important than she seemed to think.

Tosh just nods in reply. It's plain Anakin understands what she's saying, so there's no point in going on about it. Torchwood was the only job she ever had that meant something. That gave her a sense that she was contributing, doing something important, something people could be proud of. And it gave her a sense of structure: goals to work toward, an understanding of what was expected, someone to keep her on track and reinforce her belief in herself.

"I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to do it on my own."

"You are stronger than you think." The reply came immediately. It was something Anakin had no doubt in. Tosh had proved herself countless times already, and would undoubtedly continue to do so for a long time yet. This right now? This was nothing more than a hurdle along the way. And one that he wasn't going to let her face alone. She'd been there for him, each time he'd been in a similar position.

"This had better not be you trying to tell me you're giving up." Because that wasn't allowed.

She exhales a little laugh. "No. Don't think I'd be any good at that, it would be too dull. Giving up, I mean. What would I do? Just sit around alone and mope, I guess, and wait for...something that's never going to come."

It helps so much that Anakin still believes in her, thinks she can pick up the pieces and rebuild. Maybe she can, if she can just figure out what to make out of them. "What am I going to do when you leave too?" she whispers.

He'd like to be able to turn to her and say something along the lines of 'I'm not going anywhere', but he knows that it's not something he can really say. Not without lying. And it wasn't a lie that would last all that long, considering they both knew the nature of the City. What he could say though, was that "I'm not leaving any time soon. And when that time comes, we'll work it out then." Because he knew he'd get a warning before then. He wouldn't be allowed to leave without settling things with those here, first.

"You're going to find yourself a focus. Something that you want to do; and not just because you think it's what you should be doing." Easier to say then do, perhaps. His time in the city had proved that of himself, already. But certain arrivals had caused that view to change some. "You can do this, Toshiko."

The knowledge that Anakin will know ahead of time helps. At least it won't be the unexpectedness of waking up and finding his portrait in the Hall. Tosh looks sideways up at him, studying his face for a moment. There are certain people who've entered her life, whose opinions are important. Anakin is one of them.

"I don't think I want to do the same work I used to. I think I need something different, that's just mine, you know? Like you say, something that isn't just what I think I should be doing because it's what I've always done. I'm just not sure how to figure out what that is."

"You expect a lot of yourself. Or you have done, for as long as I've known you. Just because you wish to take a new path, it doesn't mean it has to be immediate. It's something that will come to you, if you allow it." It was 'the Way of the Force'. Things happened as they needed to happen. He'd learnt the hard way that it wasn't possible to avoid it. Or change it.

"There's no reason to try and pressure yourself in to finding answers right now." There was a pause as he looked back over to her again. How to explain himself simply enough? "...take a break. Try to put this aside for a time and find out who you want to be now. With no connection to your past, and no restrictions of this city."

"I want to make people proud," Tosh murmurs, feeling that it's not a very good reason for expecting a lot of oneself. But she can't lie to Anakin.

What he's telling her makes sense, on an intellectual level, and she thinks she should be able to follow the advice. But there's a small part of her that keeps insisting it's not going to work, and although she really hates that little voice, she can't get it keep quiet.

"I've too many responsibilities to just take a break. There's rent to pay, and I'm the only working right now. I know Dawn and Buffy and Tara can look after themselves, but they need someone else to keep an eye out for them too. Jack's unhappy I think, or else just bored. And I can't not be busy. I hate being idle." Tosh makes a face and a frustrated sound. "God, I can't believe myself! I should be grateful, if I weren't here I'd be dead!"

Proud? "Those that know you, Toshiko, are proud. You're not simply a friend to most of us." No, she was a lot more than that. And she had been for some time. He knew for a fact that the same had stood with Luke and Leia whilst they were there. And she wouldn't have the relationship she had with Dawn if it'd all been down to friendship alone.

"Those responsibilities can be set aside. Your home can be paid for, and the two of them can be watched. Jack has those nearby who can aid him for now. And taking a break doesn't mean you have to remain idle." He wasn't about to let her sit back and allow things to pile up further. Not if there was something she could do to avoid it. And if it meant having to take care of each of her supposed responsibilities himself; he would. For her.

At the mention of her death, Anakin simply turns silent. There wasn't anything he could say on the matter. Not yet. Not until Tosh had found out for herself that it didn't play a factor. Alive or dead, she was still a person, here.

Tosh sits silently for a few minutes, letting Anakin's words soak in. In the end, she's as bad at giving up as she is at being idle, and she supposes that will be what keeps her going. That, and the love of friends like the man sitting next to her.

With a deep breath, she puts her hand on his arm, fingers curling into the fabric. "I think I need help to do this," she finally admits.

"You don't need to ask for it. It will be there." There isn't an ounce of hesitation in his words. For as long as he was there, then he would do whatever he could to help her. And even if he hadn't been around, he knew that there were plenty of others who would be more than willing to do the same. She wouldn't be alone.

He places his other hand on top of hers, giving it a light squeeze. "Have you decided on your first step?" No matter how big or small it may be. It was a better choice than leaving things as they were.

"I think I need to leave the police force. Stop trying to find ways to recreate my old job." What she'll do in place of it, Tosh has no idea. But it's a scary thought, to just let go of what's safe and known, and because of that she thinks it's the right thing to do.

"We can- we can still work on those projects together though, right? I don't want to give up everything, I don't think I can."

"That may be wise." It'd been one of the first steps he too had taken. True, he hadn't been all that active with them- not as much as Tosh had been -but it had still made a difference. Given how involved she seemed to be at times, it definitely seemed like a good step. Especially given her self-confessed reason for taking the role.

"And that is another thing you don't have to question." As if he'd ban her from working with him. He enjoyed having her around; especially when it involved one of his favourite pastimes. "You'll always be welcome."

Another nod, and another period of silence between then, although this one feels less troubled, more thoughtful. Tosh hasn't released her grip on Anakin's sleeve, and after a little while she gently squeezes his arm.

"Thank you," she says softly. "I think I'll be all right."

Anakin simply watches Tosh; waiting for a sign that she really believed her words. It was one thing to say you'd be fine, but another to believe it. And she was one of the few people he truly wanted to be able to believe it. She deserved some kind of happiness, after all that had happened.

"I'm going to be here for you for a long time yet. You don't have to keep your feelings hidden. Not from me."

Okay, maybe she's not quite as sure about it all as she's trying to seem. Tosh turns and rests her forehead against Anakin's arm for a moment, her words muffled a bit into his sleeve.

"I want to be all right. Will that be good enough?"

That arm that she's resting on moves backwards, giving him the space to then slip it around her shoulders. It isn't meant as a hug. It's there as support. A sign that she really wont ever be left alone. Especially not when she needed someone there for her.

"It is." It was more than enough. As long as she was willing to try, then she wouldn't fail. It was the simple attempt that mattered most. "Without question."

Tosh leans against Anakin, grateful for the feeling of security. She knows eventually she's going to have to do this on her own, but maybe it won't be such a bad thing if she lets someone else hold her up, just for a little while.

"I'm glad you came out here today, Anakin."

"This is where I had to be." He didn't bother to explain himself. Not of the Force guiding his way. And not of the feeling of unease that had settled over him that day. This was the one place he had a reason to be this day, and he wasn't going to deny that.