Log; Incomplete

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

When; January 5th, 2009 Late Night
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Yuuki Kurosu (guardianhime ), Zero Kiryuu (missingthread )
Summary; Drinking has its consequences. Zero comes back after having angrily left the apartment the night before. With his feelings having been put out into the open, Yuuki has to decide how to respond to them.
Log;

Bundled up in a warm winter coat, with a scarf, two mittens, and a hat keeping her warm, Yuuki Kurosu crouched outside her apartment building in the snow, a downcast expression on her face. It was a late hour, and someone might wonder why a girl had been sitting out in the cold for a while now, but she hadn’t budged. There was a reason she was out alone, even if not far from her own home, and she was determined. As long as she stayed outside like this, then in her mind, Zero Kiryuu would definitely have to come home.

Fraught with anxiety, her stomach twisted as an unsettling feeling spread throughout her. Everything had become complicated between the two of them since the night before, and the young school prefect knew who was to blame. I really am just a moron… she thought, absently drawing a picture in the snow with a twig she had found. Even now she was uncertain on what her own feelings on the matter were. It was as though her mind didn’t want to dwell on them, instead only allowing the fact that she wanted him home to penetrate any of the things going on through her head. His words just a little bit ago to her over the communicator and stunned her. The reason he had stormed out of the house and disappeared wasn’t because she had stupidly gotten drunk and forced him into doing something she had never imagined them doing before. Instead, in her attempt to make her own self feel better and bring things back to normal she had ignored his feelings on the matter.

What do I think…? Placing her head in her knees the headache she felt and the nausea she’d experienced all day returned. It was her inconsideration and un-acknowledgement of Zero’s emotions that had the two of them in this mess. Whenever it wasn’t convenient for her, she tended to forget or push those aside. Not because she wanted him hurt, but out of her own selfishness. Tonight though…she had learned the two of those were one in the same. I don’t know what to do…

For the past four years they had lived together, interacting on a daily basis. The two bickered all the time, fighting over the most trivial matters. Zero…liked her? It wasn’t just the joking brother-sister thing that Yuuki always teased about either. In fact, he’d always grown angry whenever she suggested something like that. Why hadn’t she noticed before, though… He was always so quiet, and never shared his thoughts with her on anything, unless it had to do with his belief of how peaceful vampires were supposed to be. Hadn’t there been any signs…?

‘What am I to you?’

And another time…she’d found him in the infirmary. When he’d awoken though, he’d acted strange. Drawing her into a hug, he’d said something about having thought…he’d killed her. It was after that though, that he’d shocked her. Grabbing her face, and leaning in so close to her lips…

‘Sorry. It’s nothing’

Cheeks turning red, Yuuki’s eyes creased as she realized undeniably now, and there was no way she could simply ‘forget’ about things. Not after what he’d told her tonight.

A sudden light crunching on the snow alerted her to another person’s presence, and Yuuki lifted her head back up. Her brown gaze without thought swiveled into the direction of the noise, and stopped once it landed onto the individual who had created it. In his own coat, looking much like he did when he’d left the night before, only…seemingly more tired, stood Zero.

Dropping the twig from her hand, Yuuki automatically shot to her feet. He had come back. Blush spreading across her cheeks, she suddenly found herself uncertain of  how to act. Her gaze danced about and her hands began to fidget, grabbing her lower coat nervously, before releasing it to fold in front of her, only to hesitate all over again. Knowing what he had said to her earlier, what was supposed to be the best way to face Zero, now…? She had no clue, still so stunned over the revelation that her mind was still trying to play catch up. One thing was for certain though, and that was that…she was glad he was back.

“Zero, welcome home…”

Comments

[missingthread.livejournal.com]

Waiting... He sighed, hands buried within his coat pockets. Yuuki was waiting for him. Personally, he wasn’t ready to face this again so soon but much as so many other things in his life, he was giving into her wants instead of his own. How had he even let this whole thing happen? He felt miserable, knowing that he’d said things in the moment that he regretted now. He’d never intended on leaving himself that open, the entire thing had gone down as bad as he’d imagined it ever would.

For starters, she wasn’t ever supposed to know. Did she know? Had he really said that much? He tried to go back over their words, but things had been said without much thought on his part and nothing specific came to mind. There was still the remote possibility that she could just brush it off as anger over what they’d done.

If he was lucky.

Face twisting into an unpleasant scowl, Zero could only imagine the things that Yuuki would say if she really did understand. None of which would do anything except make this entire thing worse, in a misguided attempt to make everything better between them. He didn’t want to hear empty apologies or explanations. He knew better than probably even herself what the situation was and would have dealt with it years ago if he’d wanted to hear the words from her mouth.

Not that Zero hadn’t heard those words in some form or another during the past four years, but in response to this subject would just make a predicable disaster that much worse. He knew. Putting words to something like that was like handing a man dying of thirst only salt water to drink. It did nothing to help the situation.

Not that his stupidity had helped either, but the boiling pot of emotions he’d been experiencing around her for years had suddenly spilled over and made a total mess of everything. How much could be saved? He wasn’t very sure...wasn’t really sure he wanted that. Emotionally he was way past burnt out, eternally the one never quite good enough to put before anyone else but wanted just enough to not want thrown away. It was tiring, relying on others for a reason to live and knowing that no one else ever had put that same effort toward him. Tiring isn’t the right word for it...it’s...just lonely. This existence is lonely.

Pausing in his steps, the tiny figure sitting huddled on the front steps of the apartment building, just like she said she would. She was waiting for him. A pang in his chest fluttered slightly before he crossed to where she waited. Watching as Yuuki looked up with recognition, the way she leapt to her feet had him bracing himself for the eventual tackling embrace—which never came.

The pang morphed into heartache as the reality of what had happened sunk home. Everything was different now. Obviously feeling uncomfortable as she tried to address him, Yuuki stood unnaturally stiff and nervous in his presence. Strangely, it reminded him of the way she acted around him, which was something he hated. This wasn’t her.

Stepping around her, he walked past her and headed toward the entrance. “You can call off the search party now. I promised I’d come home...I’m here.”

1/2

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

As he coldly stepped past her, Yuuki froze in place, her eyes widening in surprise. The words he spoke were said in an even tone, but somehow they felt much icier than she was accustomed to. The lack of acknowledgment to her welcome stung. Only a fool would have expected things to be fine upon arrival, and she wasn’t one. There had been no anticipation of being greeted with a warm smile, or for him to even be in a good mood.

When they had spoken just a little bit ago she had known he wasn’t happy. After what happened, she couldn’t blame him. She knew that her behavior and treatment of him had been wrong, in nearly every sense of the word. Even despite that though, the coldness with which he had brushed past her was like a strike to the face. Throat tightening, she took a breath, fists clenching anxiously at her side. Its fine if he’s upset…I already knew he was. He was back now though. He hadn’t run away to never come back, and was safe. Those were the two most important things.

Turning back around, she had to run to catch back up to his faster, longer strides. He didn’t wait for her, but that was okay. She was used to grumpy Zero, so it was fine. He didn’t always wait for her either.

“I told everyone a bit ago…that I’d thought you would come home…”

Maybe a missing person’s report had been a little drastic, but she’d been distraught. Whenever Zero would disappear she always felt sick to her stomach. Questions about if he was alright would penetrate her mind, as well as questions such as ‘when will he come back?’ One of the greatest fears that had always plagued her was that one day he would simply vanish and never return. With Shizuka dead that apprehension had lessened to an extent, but on days like this that fear came back full force.

2/2

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

Glancing up at him as she walked at his side she noticed how dirty the outside of his coat was. Out for nearly an entire day and night, she could only assume that he’d been in the underground, after what he had told her earlier.

‘I’m busy killing things.’

Unconsciously chewing the inside of her mouth, those words bothered her immensely. To think that he had purposefully put himself into harm’s way because of what had happened, she hated it. The guilt that she had been the cause of it churned her stomach every worse. He’d only grown angry however, when she tried to apologize. With a shake of her head to attempt to start over again, she opened her mouth.

“Wow Zero…your coat’s really dirty. Did you sleep in the gutter…?”

No response. Peeking at him sideways again, he hadn’t spared her a look at all, continuing his steady pace. Although anxious, she tried not to let it bother her, taking a silent breath again. That was okay; Zero ignored her all the time too. If he didn’t want to speak right now he didn’t have to. The silence was something she didn’t enjoy however, and she was honestly concerned.

“You didn’t sleep outside, did you Zero…? You know it’s dangerous in this cold…” Hands rising up as they made their way toward their apartment, she began lightly brushing at some of the dirt on the upper sleeve of his coat. It would need a good washing. Glancing at the back she noticed it was dirty there, too and she gently worked at some of the easily removable earth that seemed to cling. It wasn’t just the coat, she realized as she glanced back up at his face again. On his cheek, and a little beneath his chin, she could see the faint outline of where something stuck. If he’d really been fighting all night then it was no wonder he was a little rougher than normal.

“I heard that it doesn’t take a lot to get frost bite…I’ll bet your cold Zero.” Trying to remove any more of the grime that had accumulated would have to wait until they were in the apartment. Instead of removing her hand however, it lightly clutched onto the fabric of his winter coat at the elbow. It held like a lifeline. He didn’t answer her in regards to the question of his body temperature, but she had been chilly out there on her own, so if she had been cold, then he must have been as well. “The kitchen’s warm. Once inside, we can clean you up a little bit. That’ll feel a lot better. “

On top of the cold, there were other things that had Yuuki worried as well. The last thing he’d had before leaving the night before had been more beer than she could remember. Apparently he had spent the last day hunting. Yuuki on the other hand had thrown up several times and was still fighting a faint headache that still persisted even now. In the space of all that time however she had been in the house. Water had been readily available, and she had practically consumed all the crackers and bread in the apartment. What about him though…? He looked exhausted.

“Have you had anything to eat, Zero…?” She asked worriedly. She didn’t mean blood either. Even Zero needed regular food for nutrition and supplements. They had learned recently that in some other worlds that wasn’t the case for vampires, but not in theirs. “It’s not good to go too long without something to eat,” she continued tentatively, with concern. “You can get sick. When we go to the kitchen…I can get something together.” She remembered that two days ago he had made a delicious home-cooked beef stew. Since it was a simpler dish, there were lots left over so that they could have more at a later date. Even if she wasn’t good at cooking, she at least knew how to reheat.

“I’ll put some of the stew on the stove. You liked that, right, Zero?” Even better, she knew that it was something that would help warm him up. Beef had protein that would boost his strength, too. She knew these types of things because he always seemed to cook with more red meat, after a night back home when he bit her. The same sort of thing could be applied here, though.

“How does that sound…?”

[missingthread.livejournal.com]

Entering the hallway, Zero made his way down the hall, the rapid footsteps behind him straining to keep up with him. It was annoying how much her mere presence could soothe him, it was something he had forgotten during these years. In her obvious nervousness and upset, she continued a constant stream of chatter, attempting to fill the quiet with anything. Much as she'd done four years ago, she spoke to him as if he was holding his side of the conversation when he couldn't do it himself.

Discussing something as trivial as the cleanliness of his clothing. Worrying about where he'd slept the night before...he hadn't. In fact, Zero hadn't realized until that very moment that he was tired. So emotionally ripped apart, he'd had too much anger and adrenaline the night before to realize that by distracting himself he'd not done much of anything except burn his frustrations. Now that everything was over and he was home again, he felt like he'd suddenly crashed both physically and emotionally.


He felt her touch but didn't react, too numb to really care either way. Her words didn't really penetrate him, his emotions too raw and damaged to feel much of anything. He didn't push her away, didn't argue...just let her do whatever it was she needed to do. He couldn't reply even if he'd thought she'd expected one. She'd begun to revert to herself with him again, if only a little, which was a comfort. The anger and annoyance he'd felt slipping away, leaving behind just the hollow ache it had been protecting.

With each query, Zero barely gave thought to any answers and his voice was so buried within him that he wasn't quite sure when he'd be able to use it again. Her hand clenched tightly to his coat, his body moved on it's own, not sure of what he'd do when they got inside. Currently she was talking about food, but he didn't have an appetite at all. He understood that his body was hungry, but thinking about eating made him feel slightly nauseous.

Opening the door to the apartment, Zero felt as if he was going to be ill. Vertigo assailed him, making him stumble into a chair in the corner of the front hall. The frayed nerves on top of the exhaustion and hangover wasn't really making for the best reunion. It wasn't very long ago that he'd been wanting to talk about this with her. Gotten angry when she'd repeatedly demanded for him to return without acknowledging the reasons he hadn't been ready yet. Now, the thought of dealing with this face to face...maybe her way really was best. Pretend it never happened.

Something would need to be discussed, if only for him to figure out how much of the situation Yuuki really understood. Thinking about it though made his stomach churn nervously, causing nausea to return and bile to rise within his throat, making speaking impossible. Head sinking into his hands as he sat in the chair, he tried to catch his breath and wished the whole thing would just go away.

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

He never spoke, even as they neared the door to their small apartment. When she had gone outside to wait for him, she’d spoken to Yori, telling her that it was fine to go to bed. She didn’t know if Evangeline had done the same, but she hoped the two of them would already be asleep. At the moment even though her mind was racing, she didn’t know what to say or how to bring up the topic of what had happened between the two of them. Privacy was important though, and she didn’t want them to be intruded upon. Additionally, the more she spared sideways glances up at Zero, the worse she thought he looked.

Once they reached the apartment, he pushed the door open. In the brighter light of their dwelling within building, she realized just how pale he looked.

“Hey, Zero…” she said hesitantly as they stepped into the hall. His pace had slowed drastically from the quick one he had set just moments before. She no longer had to struggle to keep up with him. Instead, her feet had to fall to a crawl in order to adjust to his. “Are you oka—”

Just stopping, Zero collapsed into the first chair they’d crossed. Eyes widening at the exhaustion that seemed to assault him, worry redoubled in herself.

“Zero…?”

He really wasn’t doing well at all. After everything she hadn’t expected him to, but seeing how completely everything seemed to be catching up with him her concern grew. Head dropping, he raised his hands to his face, covering it as though dizzy or nauseous. Had he really not slept at all? If he was running on no food or sleep, then the possibility of becoming very sick was likely. More than that, how would something like catching a flu or cold affect him as a vampire? It made her feel sick herself, knowing that she was so responsible for his current state.

Reaching for him automatically she moved to gently grasp his head as well, but stopped mid-way, just short of touching him. Hovering, a pained expression crossed her features, uncertain that he even wanted her touching him too much right now. If felt as though, to an extent, he wanted a certain distance between them. She couldn’t just leave him though. Water. More than anything… he needs water. If he hadn’t had anything since he disappeared, then dehydration had to be catching up with him.

“Zero, let’s take your coat off.” They could find a blanket or a sweater if he was still cold after, but at the moment it just seemed a little suffocating while in the house. “…Do you mind if I help? It’s dirty so we should remove it…I’ll wash it later.” The kitchen was where she wanted to lead him, if needed she could bring everything here though too. Kneeling down, she glanced back up at him questioningly. His head was still buried in his hands, and he had yet to give her any kind of confirmation. “I’ll get some water after…you’re probably thirsty. Did you drink anything…?” Reaching forward tentatively she moved to undo the first button of his coat, voice gentle as she continued to speak.

[missingthread.livejournal.com]

Eyes shutting tightly, Zero focused all of his energy on controlling the surging nausea he was experiencing. If his complete patheticness wasn't apparent before this, it definitely was now. Discussing his feelings wasn't something he was accustomed to, just thinking about the pointlessness of this whole experience was making him so furious. It didn't matter, even if she did know his feelings it changed nothing for the positive. All it would do is upset her, make her feel guilty and change the way she viewed him.

The reason he'd been able to go on living had been because of Yuuki in his life. After the death of his parents he wasn't sure he could have survived without the light she'd brought into the darkness he'd fallen into. With a fate bestowed on him he hadn't asked for, life shattered because of the betrayal of the one person who he'd trusted most—someone who'd been a part of himself—he hadn't thought he'd ever have a moment of happiness again.

She hadn't brought him out of the darkness, but she'd managed to find him within it and refused to leave his side. Zero's world always had a little light within all the darkness because she'd been there. She was the only reason he still felt human at all. The emotions she brought forth in him were things he'd never thought he'd experience again. His happiness, it should have been such an elusive and foreign concept but it had rested entirely on her smile.

So the idea of ruining the one thing in his life that brought him a measure of happiness over a few words he never meant to say had him feeling more than a little sick to his stomach. Especially when he already knew full well she was in love with another. He'd been happy enough with how things were he didn't want them to change. He'd never wanted her to know this.

Coupled with the fact that he hadn't eaten, slept and hadn't even noticed the hangover he was probably experiencing until this moment, he was thankful he didn't have anything in his stomach.

Yuuki still lingered near, he could feel her presence within reach. A part of him longed for that nearness, but a stronger part of him was more interested in self-preservation and wanted distance from her right now. He knew she felt guilty for what she'd done and was worried about him. She was hovering over him, obviously wanting to take care of him and it bothered him. Unable to voice his wants, the bile still choking him as she spoke about the things she wanted to do to help him.

Yuuki's hands brushed against him, wanting to help him remove his coat which he wasn't wanting to do yet. Recoiling slightly, Zero lowered his hands and tugged his coat from her grasp, wrapping it around himself tighter. He didn't want her help, physical contact was too painful at the moment to allow her to care for him in the way in which he knew she wanted. He couldn't handle something like that yet.

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

He brushed her away before she’d barely had a chance to even touch the coat, pulling away from her grasp. His arms tightened around the coat he wore, wrapping it around himself more tightly, and still he didn’t say anything. On all accounts, it was obvious he didn’t want her to touch him. She’d had that feeling from the very beginning, but had hoped…he would let her a little.

Hands falling, she closed her eyes a moment, trying to regroup. It was okay…if he didn’t want to take his coat off, then there were other things she could do. He still wasn’t in a very good state right now. It wasn’t healthy, and he already ran the risk of getting seriously sick. There wasn’t time for her to feel any more selfishly upset than she already did. Hadn’t it been her pure selfishness that had them where they were at the moment already?

“I’m going to get some water…” She said quietly. Standing up, she took her own coat off, hanging it on the coat rack nearby. It was easier to move around when not inside it. “You might be dehydrated. If you don’t drink something, you might get sick… It’s not good to go too long without water.” Silence still, not a word in response to her. “I’ll be right back then, Zero. Don’t move anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back, okay…?” Rising, she moved quickly from the room, only sparing him another worried glance before disappearing.

Once in the kitchen, she didn’t waste any time getting things together. Obviously not well, there was a lot she could think of that needed to be done. I won't...let him get sick. Only, in her worry she rushed through the actions. Pulling out a glass from the cabinet too quickly it slipped from her hand, crashing into the sink below. Glass shattered everywhere, a couple stray pieces strewing across the cupboard, and even less making it to the ground below. Stressed, Yuuki covered her face with a hand, trying to just breathe. Everything was just so mixed up. Even her body was so on edge she was jittery.

It’s just a little broken glass…

Luckily she hadn’t cut herself when it had fallen. She hoped it hadn’t awoken the whole house, either. Grabbing a kitchen towel she began trying to gather the pieces up to at least contain them into one spot.

[missingthread.livejournal.com]

Slowly she moved away from him, talking about getting him a glass of water as she moved. To Zero, the thought of water was surprisingly appealing to him. It might help tame a little of the nausea he was feeling if he had something to wash the taste from his mouth that was choking him. Swallowing again deeply as her presence filtered away from his senses, Zero slid his hands from his face to his forehead and curled down until his elbows were resting on his knees.

Eyes open, he focused on the point in the floor where it met the corner wall if only to give himself something to distract himself from the illness. The sound of something crashing came from within the kitchen and he half expected the scent of blood to follow behind but thankfully it never came. Being home was soothing to him, even if it wasn't the most comfortable of situations in which to return.

I'll be fine with a little water. He'd overexerted himself, forgetting the necessities during his absence and now he'd stupidly found himself paying for it by looking like a pathetic idiot that couldn't take care of himself. Zero hated that she'd always been the one taking care of him, it wasn't any wonder she saw him in the way she did.

A little brother...

Someone would couldn't fend for themselves...

Someone whose survival depended on her...

For four years he'd tried his best to stand on his own. He'd never wanted to depend on anyone for anything. Never wanted to give her a reason to fear him. Yet here he was, making the same mistakes over again...nothing had ever changed.

Nothing would ever change.

[guardianhime.livejournal.com]

I’ll take care of the rest of this later…

She’d gathered the glass into one, contained, spot, and it wasn’t really what was foremost in her mind at the moment. Zero was still in the other room. Before she had left, it had looked as though he might collapse at any moment, too. Anxious to get back to him, she reached down another cup. Only this time, it was plastic.

Peeking out around the corner, Zero was exactly where she had left him. The only difference was that he was now leaning on his elbows, staring at the ground below. Brows knitting in concern she stepped out of the kitchen and approached him slowly. It wasn’t as though she expected that he would bolt at any moment but everything felt very delicate at the moment. The tension in the air was fragile. Moving over to him she shifted a little uncomfortably, before kneeling down next to the chair he sat on.

“I have your water,” she said, holding it out to him in front of his downcast eyes. Since entering the apartment he hadn’t spoken a word to her, but he hadn’t protested much either…beyond the coat. If anything, he really did need to get some liquid. “…You might not think you need it, but you’ve been out for a long time. Water helps with headaches, and you need something in your system…” It wasn’t good to run on nothing. How much worse would he have been if he actually had stayed out longer? He could have collapsed…in a place like the underground. If he’d really been hunting, that could have been disastrous as well. Zero… The hand not holding the cup clenched.

“I brought some crackers too…” They had been an afterthought, but it was something else that she thought might be helpful to bring along with her. If he wasn’t up to it, he didn’t have to eat them if he didn’t want to. With his current condition though, they could be settling. If he hadn’t eaten anything at all, then he was running on empty and that wasn’t healthy…

“I don’t really know if you are up to them,” She said tentatively. “They’re plain. There are only a few left as well. I ate most of them already, but in case you wanted…” She hoped he’d try at least a couple, after the water. Her feelings and worry were genuine. Zero had his moments, and they had shared a lot of experiences together, but she hadn’t seen him like this in a while. “I’ll still make the stew. I’m hungry too,” she tried, wondering if that would be more persuasion for him to eat something if he thought she was doing it for herself, too. “Do you want to move to the kitchen…?”