tampered | The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death.

Entry tags:

The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death.

When: 17th onward!
Rating: Gross sickly stuff.
Characters: Jim & you!
Summary: Catch-all log for Jim's friends! After the 16th when he felt ill, Jim's Augmented blood has started to fight back like it did during the two weeks he was out cold after dying in a decontamination chamber. His organs will be starting to slowly fail, blood (both his own and Khan's) will be coming up, and he's generally confined to his bedroom in his and Bones' apartment. As time goes on, his condition will be deteriorating until his essence rite is performed. Please put the date of your visit in the subject header! Forward/Back-dating and Prose/Action are all fine, as are video/audio/text which can be directed here for all personal calls while Jim is sick.
Log:

[ He finds himself thinking of Christopher, more than anything. Of the last time he saw him, specifically, in the Hall of the Missing. Of not being able to let go of him for so long and crying like a son lost in the thickest of woods, longing to find his way home only to briefly find it and have to turn back into the darkness once more. Chris had held him, kissed his hair like a father, soothed Jim in a way he had never had to before, but then again neither of them had died and been torn apart in such violent ways until the Augment came into their lives. Even in death, he's still been there when Jim needed him.

He stares out of the window in his room, propped up against pillows as coughs rumble in the pit of his chest, looking at the City below where the horizon meets a fake, beautiful sky. If he lets the migraines take over for long enough his senses go haywire and a drowsy kind of tactile memory swims under his fingers and into his nose, of an admiral's uniform scented with aftershave that soothes his anxieties almost as effectively as the real thing.

"It's going to be okay, son."

He wishes he could find a bar to drown his sorrows in. Chris always, always found him when he was at his lowest point in backwater dives.

And then on occasion, during his more painful moments where there's no one around to hear his muffled crying into a pillow or witness the sheets crumpling in his fists, his thoughts drift to the decontamination chamber. Jim wakes himself up several times after passing out with Spock's name on bloodied lips and hopes to God he hasn't started doing anything as embarrassing as crying out in his sleep to betray his fright; he has the use of his lungs still, unlike his final moments where he hadn't been able to tell his friend a wealth of things that suddenly seemed so important. Look after the crew, you're the captain now. I'll miss you. I don't want to go, stay with me. It's shameful, but a couple of times he calls for Bones just to have his company, terrified under a firmly schooled expression that he'll die in the here and now, well and truly alone.

If he had been given diagrammatics on his condition in the form of a vessel's specifics, he would have written it off by now. It's as if the effects of his descent into the warp core are being clawed out of his body in slow motion by the deepening fever-tide, leaving Jim to hate every minute of having survived. Which is counter-productive, he knows, because he very much wants to live. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He doesn't know your face, you go out there and announce yourself as Starfleet and God knows what he'll do to you. Right now, you're as safe as you can be.

[ Tug of War, captain-style. Take cover, Bones. ]

[ he was already gone right after jim called dibs on being the one face khan. two captains going all out on each other is so not his thing, oops. he'll just be somewhere else, taking care of chekov and uhura who should be with janeway or whatever.

but if jim ever decides to pass out he'll be there right on the dot, for sure. ]

[ she moves forward, putting a hand on either side of his chair as she leans down, deliberately invading his personal space so she can look him in the eyes. ]

Whether I do or don't isn't up to you. I've been content to stand back and let you hold the reigns, being that you were the most familiar with this world, but you aren't exactly what I'd call "in the frame of mind" to be making command decisions right now. I would rather not cite protocol at you, but I will if it comes to it. I will not stand by and watch you play at being the martyr for what sounds like a second time against a genetically engineered ex-dictator.

[ The proximity forces him back, but not enough to slouch. ]

I have no intention of playing the martyr over a man like that. [ Not again if I can help it. ] No one needs to go out there and meet him in the flesh, but if I contact him over a viewer then he'll have to believe it's the real thing after working with me in close-quarters, he knows how I hold myself and won't take me for a fake to get his guard down.

[ It's not an argument he wants or to butt heads, but a genuinely safe solution. ]

Kathryn, as soon as we're done deciding what to do here I'm intending to instruct my crew to follow your orders as if they were my own. If I were anyone else, I'd have called my being fit for duty days ago. [ Exhausted, sweating and sallow, he knows he isn't at his best; this way, at least, he keeps a scrap of dignity instead of having it wrenched out from under him. She's a good captain by all accounts and his trusting her with his crew speaks highly of his opinion (because if he didn't think she was, he wouldn't put their lives in her hands for anything). Jim nods, eyelids heavy. ] It's still smarter to show him my face instead of putting yours on the line for no good reason, you know that.

But you would, if you had to. I don't think I'm wrong in making that assumption.

[ she's willing to butt heads with him in his own best interest. she won't have the downfall of james kirk, whether it's the one that belongs to her strain of the timeline or not, resting on her shoulders, his proverbial blood on her hands because she allowed him to do something foolish where she could've stood in the way and said no, this isn't happening. he may be a different kirk, but she knows what happened with the one whose career is something of legend by this point. more so in being a fan of carol marcus's and reading about what happened with genesis from her point of view, how those scientists gave their lives to protect something so invaluable, so important, something that could've changed the federation and colonization efforts on multiple fronts, only to watch it fall into the hands of raving mad man. ]

See, that's the thing. You're like me in that regard. Or maybe, it's that I'm like you. You push yourself until there's nothing left to keep pushing. You would rather sit in that chair bruised, battered, and bleeding than surrender to any situation -- even your own injuries or deteriorating health. [ which makes her a hypocrite in some regards in chastising her own people for doing the same, but kathryn would also sooner walk the plank than force any of her crew to go near the damned thing, driven by an irrationally guilty conscience and a heavy dose of self blame she's pretty sure her first officer would throttle her for, should she ever openly indulge it again.

janeway withdraws, only to return with a chair she's drawing up before his, sitting down upon it like it's her seat on the bridge. ] I don't think so. You said he has something against you. The Khan that I'm familiar with held steadfast to a grudge against "Kirk Prime" for fifteen years. Feeding a man's obsession is hardly what I'd call practical strategy.

I would, but I'd prefer not to.

[ It's so frustrating being hemmed in by his own weak body and someone entirely too much like Pike for him to let go of the comparison, shooting off the honest to God truth about himself that he doesn't need or want to hear. His deteriorating health isn't an asset to any of them, whereas what he could say to Khan could be. He knows he could make him sit up and pay attention like no one else, it's a strong card to play.

Jim rests his weight on the arm of his chair, propped up more than anything. Hearing how Khan in the Prime reality held a grudge for that long makes his frown deepen, yet it's not enough to dissuade his tactics. Jim is sick, it feels like he's dying in slow-motion and he can't do anything else but put himself in a position of defense between Khan and the others. ]

It's not an obsession yet, we barely knew each other over a day, and you saw him on that recording. He's not foaming at the mouth to get to anyone. What other choices do we have, realistically? Now, I can barely get out of this chair, let alone go racing off to meet him the second your back's turned, so you don't have to worry about me disobeying a direct order to stay put.

I've met a lot of people here and my name's gotten around. Going about this logically, he'll call me out sooner or later, we're just getting our foot in the door first.

Kirk Prime knew him for about as long and by comparison, did little to provoke him. In fact, he showed Khan and his people a great mercy. One many other captains likely wouldn't have paid a war criminal from the late 20th Century who tried to commandeer his ship. Needless to say, Khan didn't see it that way.

[ she nods, seeing his point, and relents more on one of her own -- ] I know a lot more about Khan and augmented humans than I, quite frankly, like admitting. While what he did to your counterpart and others are common knowledge by my time, classified information was studied in command school to help prepare future Starfleet captains for the situations Kirk Prime was placed in. I've had to rely on that training more than once over the past five years, and I'm willing to share that information with you.

Whatever he did, tell me. The other Kirk. He'd want you to.

[ That much, Jim's certain of. ]

How did he beat him?

Are you sure you're prepared to hear about the things your counterpart did in my timeline? I may be willing to share them with you, but you may not be ready to hear them.

Edited 2013-07-24 15:31 (UTC)

[ They could be awful, terrible decisions. Failures innumerable, no matter that his counterpart is some kind of legendary hero. ]

I want to know.

[ What keeps him grounded is the absolute certainty that Prime Kirk did his best. ]

You-- He first encountered Khan in 2267, when the Enterprise encountered the Botany Bay adrift in space. Kirk Prime had no idea what he'd just found or who he was dealing with when Khan was awakened from cryogenic stasis. At least, not at first. Information from that time period is fragmented at best, with many of the more official accounts destroyed prior to 1996 or lost in the Third World War. It wasn't until after Khan was already on board the Enterprise were the pieces of the puzzle fully realized and they discovered they had one of that period's most infamous dictators aboard their ship. Needless to say, Khan and the other Botany Bay augments very nearly commandeered the Enterprise, and would have succeeded in killing the other Kirk, if not for a moment of compassion paid towards him by one of his crew who had defected to Khan's side.

Instead of handing Khan and his people over to Federation authorities, Kirk decides not to press charges and instead leaves them to settle on Ceti Alpha V, quietly, where Earth and rest of the galaxy was out of their reach. I can't say what made him make this decision, but I imagine it was one he grew to deeply regret in fifteen years time.

[ Leaning over his lap, Jim moves a hand away from his lips when he's through turning over the details as they're relayed to him, pausing for a moment before speaking. He remembers the emotion in Khan's voice when he spoke about Marcus's use of his people, the fury and determination.

How he surrendered on the spot on Kronos, and why. ]

It was for the sake of his crew. [ He says it with absolute certainty, only able to rationalize the same sort of decision that way. ] Khan spoke about them as his family, that he'd do anything for them. When we pointed seventy-two torpedoes with his people inside at him, he turned himself over without hesitation.

That's why Jim did it. [ Why else would you let him go? Because you touched his level for a second there, you must have. ] He gave him the chance that they never had on Earth, just ... to live.

[ And we're both idiots. Blue eyes flicker up. ]

What happened fifteen years later?

Details from here on out are going to get... personal and involve the counterparts of members of your crew present in the City. I'll ask again, just to be sure: Are you absolutely certain you want to know?

Edited 2013-07-24 23:55 (UTC)

[ He's already nodding before he answers. ]

Yes. I'm not going to fall apart, I promise you that.

Alright. [ she scoots her chair closer so that her knees are now bumping his, so she can lower her voice and speak at a level only the two of them can hear. ] Ceti Alpha VI was lost during that fifteen year period, leading a small survey team to mistake Ceti Alpha V for it. They realized their mistake a moment too late, and were captured by Khan and the other Botany Bay augments. He used some sort of mind controlling eel found on the planet to force the men to follow his commands, using them to gain access to the USS Reliant. One of those men, I'm sorry to say, was Commander Chekov.

[ Eyes widening, it's not at the Commander part; no, that least of all. ]

Is he okay? I mean, was he? Chekov doesn't know anything about Khan here, he's a couple of years behind.

[ a nod, though kirk would lose one of his own in addition to several innocent cadets who were supposed to be on a harmless training mission. ]

He survived the ordeal, though his captain did not. They had originally gone to what they thought was Ceti Alpha VI in order to locate a barren world for Dr. Marcus to test a... [ she falters for a moment, searching for a way to describe this, pushing the boundaries of protocol in touching upon project genesis when the agreement she made with herself was to divulge information about khan -- not genesis. ] The eventual end result of a scientific endeavor that the Federation had great interest in.

Under the influence of the eels, Chekov and his captain divulged classified information in regards to the nature of this project to Khan who decided he was going to seize it for himself. Many scientists died that day to protect that project's secrets, to keep Khan away from it at all costs.

[ There are so many tripwires for her to navigate just by speaking to him and he holds none of them against her, just like he accepts with a nod the circuitous explanations when they arise. He wants to know, certainly, but Jim doesn't indulge his curiosity on the matter. ]

But they didn't, did they? He got it. The ... project. [ Whatever it is, that description fits broadly enough not to touch upon any details for either of them. Fucking temporal laws. ] There was nothing like that for us, all he wanted was his crew back. He used me to get on board Admiral Marcus's ship and attacked the Enterprise.

The Khan you knew, what happened to him?

I'm afraid he did, and I'm afraid he used it. Something that was... a momentary blessing in disguise, in it's own twisted way, though ultimately not worth the lives lost in the struggle to obtain it. You see, Jim, at the time, the Enterprise was being used to train command track cadets. When they heard that something fishy was going down in that sector, there were primarily cadets on board with a supervisional staff who were both there to teach and simply along for what should've been a short, harmless ride.

Edited 2013-07-26 04:09 (UTC)

It's always cadets, isn't it?

[ Running a hand over his face, he tries not to think of the equivalent of his old friends from the academy having to die again elsewhere, of Gaila or — It doesn't bear thinking about, yet it's where his thoughts immediately go. ]

How did they take Khan down?

It wasn't just cadets that were lost, Jim.

[ she won't say who, but she will confirm if he asks that yes, it was one of his own. saying it was spock when he knows that spock lives would mean unmasking genesis. she isn't willing to do that or to cause this man any unnecessary grief. that was never her intention. ]

They did everything in their power to damage and disable the Reliant. It's believed that he died on the ship's bridge prior to its destruction after he launched the... project.

Should I even ask who else I — he lost?

[ Do you know how many people I've lost? Not one! God, he was such an idiot. No wonder Christopher was so disappointed in him back then, Jim's ashamed to even remember how indignant he felt at the time.

'It's believed' doesn't sit well with him, either. ]

[ see, that was the great lesson to be learned in the wake of that tragedy by admiral kirk. he wasn't ready to lose, wasn't ready to experience the death of one of his own like that. it was a wake up call for him in a multitude of ways, a reminder to future captains that even the best can fall, that you have to be ready for every possibility, not just the ones where you win. ]

I can't tell you. Besides, it wouldn't do you any good to know that when it has no bearing on your timeline or Khan's presence here.

[ The look he gives her is steady and long before he blinks, severing the intense scrutiny. ]

Right. [ Pausing to wet suddenly dry lips, he steers the conversation back around. ] I can offer a comparison of the Khan I know, but it bears up pretty much the same.

[ she remains impassive as he studies her, unreadable to a fault. she's a little too good at this, and the one person who can read her when she's not giving anyone anything to read isn't here. ]

The augments from that time period aren't as superior as they believe themselves to be. There are numerous genetic flaws in their design, traits like heightened aggression and an innate arrogance. Genetic manipulation has come a long way since then, but back then, those scientists didn't take those mental attributes into consideration when they were so-called "amplifying" everything else. Superior intellect came at the price of superior ambition and ruthlessness. Obsessive personalities and egos that when damaged could breed lethal consequences.

Khan had the project. He had it. He had it, and he could've simply left, gone off and used it as intended. He didn't. Why? Vengeance. There was Admiral Kirk, aboard the very ship he failed to steal. He risked the lives of his people to carry out revenge -- revenge that cost those people their lives, and his own. It's genetic, Jim. A split in the timeline isn't going to change that. It's there, and if he already has it out for you and your people...

The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death.

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