tampered | (no subject)

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When; January 29
Rating; PG
Characters; Alois Trancy

ronderotarel and Ciel Phantomhive

eidoloncast
Summary; Alois senses that there's something bad going on in the Manor. He wants to discuss the matter with Ciel.
Log;

[It is nothing that he isn't already used to, really. Not getting told what's happening is something that has always happened to Alois. His brother never told him he made a contract with a demon. The men who kidnapped him never told him he was about to be sold as a sex slave. For four years, Claude didn't tell him the truth about who killed Luca. He never got told Sebastian brainwashed Ciel with all kinds of lies about him until it was too late. He never even got directly told Claude had picked an interest in Ciel.

So the fact that nobody is telling him what's going on in the Manor doesn't surprise him. He sees Claude giving weird looks to Sebastian, he sees Ciel's weird moods when he's around Sebastian, and the hatred in his eyes when he looks at Claude. He's afraid of going to sleep because he doesn't know which demon he'll find dead on the floor once he wakes up. And in the middle of this unspoken war, he still doesn't know who his allies are.

That is why he came to Ciel's study this afternoon. He doesn't bother with knocking, because he never does. He simply walks in and speaks.] Ciel, can we talk? [His voice sounds way more insecure than he'd like it to.]

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We are in the same situation. [We are the same, Ciel. Who knows if my soul will turn of your same blue.] I know Claude will try to kill me too. But-- [He giggles, even though his expression remains sad.] For some reason it doesn't hurt as much as it once did! I'm too tired to keep begging him to care for me. [And as he speaks, his face reveals his pain too. He suddenly looks much older.] I want you to know that if I have to pick a side, I'd choose you over Claude. I'd find a way to give him the right orders so that he wouldn't try to hurt you. I'd make him stop Sebastian.

You speak as though we have no power. I will break them and if I die, I will not die easily-- I will make them regret their existences.

[Ciel can't really look much older and now he never will. He seems tired, detached, almost like he feigns all his apathy- he tries to hide it beneath this calm exterior.

He feels like such a child. He was a fool to cling to hope.]

Alois. If he betrays me... I will offer you a contract.

[He's absolutely speechless. He would have never expected this.] Why would you want to make a contract with me if he betrayed you? [And of course he'd accept the offer. Deep down he knows he will never go back to Nirvana. There's no point in staying loyal to a demon that will just keep betraying him.]

Your order turned me into this. If you are capable of ordering such a thing... then your will could surpass mine and together we would be infinitely stronger than a masterless demon. Last we fought against them and punished them for betraying us, we won -- and we could do so again. You are on my side, aren't you?

[And there's no point to Ciel in fighting a losing battle. There are other pieces on the board yet... but he doesn't want to use them if he doesn't have to].]

I am, yes. [Alois never considered himself one who likes war. He'd much rather be in Nirvana with his family than caught in the middle of this. But those times are never coming back. And he must admit he does miss not feeling powerful. He misses being on that tower, in Ciel's body, ordering those two bastards around.] I'd make a contract with you, because I've nothing to lose. [He laughs. It's a sad, nearly hysterical kind of laugh.] I'm never going back home, Ciel. Claude will never love me again. I've already lost everything. And if the only thing I have left is my soul, I'd rather give it to you than to Claude. I'll back you up, whatever you decide to do. [He stares at Ciel.] But I need a favor from you.

This is if something happens, you realize. It's all a probability- nothing is certain. But I will take revenge on Claude for everything he's done, regardless of what he remembers or not, a disloyal demon like that doesn't deserve to live.

[He feels a little bad at that... but Alois chose Claude, didn't he? Wasn't it his fault for choosing a spider like that?]

What favor is that?

[He sighs at Ciel's words. He can be used to this, but having Claude's disloyalty rubbed in his face is never pleasant.] When I still lived in my Manor, Claude kept me away from everything. He put enchanted roses around the estate just to keep anybody from visiting me. I lived closed up in that Manor for four years, and I began convincing myself of things that weren't true. I thought Claude cared for me. I thought what he told me about Sebastian was true. [He takes a deep breath.] I don't want that to happen to me ever again. I don't want things to be kept from me. I'm involved into this as much as you are. I can't-- I can't go to sleep at night and not know who I'll find dead in the morning. [He takes another deep breath, because he doesn't want to start crying. He wants to prove he can act like an adult too.] If we are on the same side, I want you to tell me if there's something going on. Please don't keep things from me. I'm fucking sick of people keeping things from me.

[Ciel thinks that's an exaggeration... but he'll listen anyway. Claude probably lied to Alois for years and years to condition him to be this way. But Sebastian... had manipulated Ciel into what he was now.]

I cannot promise much... but I suppose that's fair. There is nothing I really know about what is happening between Claude and Sebastian right now. I expect they will form a pact, if they have not already and that Claude will make his move soon.

There isn't anything else I can think of.

What do you think Claude will do? [Because Alois himself should be the one who knows Claude better, but even attempting to think about him is painful for him.] He told me he was not sorry for having killed me. I don't even fucking know why I'm still alive. [He smiles sadly.] You think he'd do something to you?

I am a threat since I am no longer human. A demon with a soul is considered an abomination, taboo... in other words, it's a sin against nature. And it offends him, I'd imagine, while he has his strength and wits there are fundamentals every demon turns back to.

[He looks away.]

The truth is, Alois... can you even feel your own heart beating?

[He doesn't want to think of Ciel as an abomination. The thought of anybody telling Ciel that there's something wrong with what he is drives Alois mad. He made him with all his willpower, and he made him perfect.]

My--

[Ciel's question is weird. Alois puts a hand over his heart. There's no beating. His eyes widen as he puts a finger over his jugular.
Still, no pulse. He's holding his breath, he's terrified.
More than a minute passes without him breathing, and he realizes he doesn't need to.

That's when he screams. The last time he screamed so hard was when Sebastian engulfed his whole estate in darkness.]

Edited 2012-01-29 01:28 (UTC)

Stop it. How you never realized this before now is beyond me. You aren't alive but you are not dead either. Calm down. Isn't it better this way? Claude has less of a chance to do anything to you and it's probably why he hasn't tried yet.

[His logic makes perfect sense. But that scream fucking hurt his ears and he's glaring. He understands he must be frightened.

But Alois needs to understand the situation fully.]

You told me not to keep anything from you, didn't you?

Claude didn't mention this! He still seemed to want to kill me! How long have you kept this from me, exactly? [He's trembling. Ciel's "logic" doesn't have any effect on him. He's too scared to see the good side of this. He feels exactly like he did when he stared at himself through his own eye in Hannah's throat.]

But my soul is still here, right? And if I'm not alive, then what am I? Can I still die? [Then his eyes widen with fear.] Is Luca like this too?

Edited 2012-01-29 01:43 (UTC)

Almost since you arrived.

[Which is true. He's been in close enough proximity he noticed and thought it was bizarre -- then he did research. Apparently it wasn't uncommon with those who should be dead.]

I imagine you can still die but I think you will likely be brought back. I don't know but I assume so... others here are the same as you.

[His eyes narrow.]

You are you. You seem alive enough to me even without a heartbeat -- why should it matter anyway?

[Why should it matter? Alois died a long time ago. He was happier in Nirvana than he ever was on earth. He's not afraid of death, he never was. But for some reason, knowing that Ciel kept this from him for such a long time irritates him.]

I guess it doesn't. I don't know. It's probably just another fucking reason why Claude finds me disgusting.

[Yet he seems to calm down considerably. His moods can change extremely quickly. He sits down on the floor, legs crossed, right in fron of Ciel's chair. If he looked more like an adult a minute ago, now he looks just like a pouty child.]

What are we supposed to do then? Should we just sit around, and wait for one of those two assholes to kill one of us?

Edited 2012-01-29 20:05 (UTC)

Claude is disgusting himself. And why you want his attention so badly is beyond me.

[He's frowning and thinking, assessing, calculating. If Sebastian and Claude were to ever team up against them they would stand very little chance of surviving unless Ciel used Alois as his trump card.

But on top of this he has Rin. Rin is the son of Satan, the morning star, where he's from and he could be useful fighting for Ciel if necessary.

Then there's the chance Sebastian will not agree to work with Claude at all. but that still leaves the chance that they are open for attack, vulnerable and he doesn't like feeling that way. A lot of this relies on Sebastian's cooperation and how conflicted his feelings are over him-- which is unfortunate because it will ruin a lot of things if he doesn't manage to get them under control.

It won't be as simple as ordering Sebastian to kill Claude... if he kills him he has to deal with Alois's upset. But if he can change him... somehow force him to see what it is he's doing. Well, Ciel isn't beyond emotional manipulation either.]

No. You know your servant better than I. Why did he choose to go after me in the first place? Why did he lie about Sebastian and Hannah? And why did he betray your contract? It makes little sense that he would simply kill us for fun... if he attempts he has motives and if he has motives it means he is acting on personal feelings. If he is acting on personal feelings we need to figure out what they are and why.

You can leave Sebastian to me.

[Alois doesn't want to cry, but he cannot help himself. Ciel is hitting way too close to all his most painful memories.]

He lied to me because he was bored with his life. He said he initially wanted to go after you because it gave him a reason to fight against Sebastian.

[One wouldn't understand why saying something like this makes Alois so upset, but the truth is that these are things he heard Claude say while he was still trapped in that bloody ring, tucked in Claude's chest pocket.]

That was before he tasted your blood, which is apparently so fucking better than mine. [A small, very humorless laugh] And he decided to use me as a tool to obtain your soul. That's why he killed me.

[And this is going to make him cry harder. Because the memory of Claude standing in front of that bloody tower, telling him how he just used him, is still too vivid and too painful in his mind.]

I told him he could've lied. I told him I would've let him win the maze if he lied to me, but I wasn't even worth that much.

[He sighs, and closes his eyes.]

Now he wants to kill you because you're a fucking abomination to him. And he wants to kill me because it's my fault if he can't eat your soul anymore.

Edited 2012-02-03 22:38 (UTC)

But there are bigger questions than that, Alois. Why Sebastian? Do they have an old grudge against one another? This never was only about me... it was about him.

I suppose the better question to ask then, would be; What did Sebastian do to him to make him treat him with such animosity? He was willing to sacrifice your contract, your life and mine. This has very little to do with your worth.

[He pauses a moment... because he can see how brilliant his soul is. It makes him hungry but he'd never admit to it.]

Frankly, your soul is the same caliber mine is. Simply a different flavor. I suppose we should look at Claude for he is... a spider. The fault was never with you, he poisoned you, spun you in his web and left you to die -- regardless of the outcome, a butterfly cannot love a spider for bringing its death. A beast cannot be anything but a beast. The illusion he wove with his poison was that he loved you and you were desperate to be loved...

so in other words, you should stop blaming yourself for things he did. It's pointless. It was not you who did all this.

I don't know why he's interested in your fucking butler, Ciel. I don't see why anybody would be interested in that bastard.

[He's getting a bit hysterical. These are hard questions to answer.

But then Ciel is telling him that nothing of what happened is his fault, and that does make him feel better. Both because he's desperate for any sign of recognition from Ciel these days, and because not many people in his life have actually told him he isn't the one to blame for everything that has happened to him.]

It's my fault for not being able to make it better. After I turned you into a demon, I-- I ended up in a nice place with Claude. And Claude cared for me then, I know he did. He told me I was the only human who'd ever made a ripple in his life as a demon.

[He gets back on his feet, and goes sitting on the arm of Ciel's chair.]

But he doesn't remember that. And I can't make him appreciate me again. Or at least I don't know how to fucking do it.

[Then, in a much smaller voice.] You don't understand this anymore, do you? You're not a human anymore, you don't understand what it means, wanting to be the one soul a demon wants.

[But Alois has seen Ciel's memories. He knows there was a time in which Ciel found himself alone in Paris, abandoned by Sebastian. And that he admitted to himself he wanted to be the soul Sebastian wished to consume. He guesses Ciel has made himself forget about that by now.]

Bastard as he is he's at the center of this mess, you realize.

[He can't bring himself to feel pity but he does sympathize. And even that is difficult for Ciel.]

Don't assume you know what I think or feel. I'm asking these questions because they are important and we have to have a plan of some kind.

I had wanted to be a soul fit for Sebastian, even though I didn't think souls really existed, I thought I was gambling with the imaginary. Now I know that isn't true and I learned it the hard way then -- Sebastian is who I wanted my soul to belong to. But now it doesn't matter, does it?

I can no longer cling to hope like you. He betrayed me and he'll do so again if it suits him. He follows my order not to lie but omits the truth, he finds loopholes in everything I say and my own actions -- undoubtedly he hates me as much as he hates you. Regardless of that, are you just going to wallow in your despair? Or are you going to turn it into strength?

If he hates you, then you should start hating him too. [Because there's nothing Alois wants more than getting to take Ciel away from Sebastian.]

I'm tired of being sad. I do want to be strong, but I don't know how. I don't have a plan of action. I don't have a decent contract. I don't even know if I still have any strength left in my soul to do anything.

[And then, after a small pause, he turns his head a little to look at Ciel. He seems curious.]

Tell me one thing. Can you see my soul? What do you think of it?

Edited 2012-02-03 23:24 (UTC)

I do hate him. Your sadness has to become your strength, even if they take everything away from you, you have to prove to them you're better. It's not hard.

[He looks slightly uncomfortable, studies him a moment and then looks away.]

Yes. Souls are hard to describe, Alois. I think it's stronger than you give it credit for.

Then I suppose I have a lot of strength.

[Because there's a lot of sadness in him. He imagines that is also how Ciel manages to carry on. Even if they've taken everything from him, his pride is what keeps him going.

Hearing Ciel talk about his soul, Alois smirks a little. He knows Ciel only looks away when he's embarassed.]

Do you like it?

Edited 2012-02-04 00:51 (UTC)

But you rarely use it.

[He wants to scoff but his voice winds up being softer than he means it to. He just sighs. Now they're going to go in this round-about again where there are no winners and Alois will likely wind up crying again.]

Should I not?

[And now Alois' smile is very very wide. He's very flattered. Ciel just told him he's strong. He also admitted that likes his soul. They are very subtle compliments, but considering Ciel's huge pride issues, Alois is already surprised he went this far.

He's already sitting close to him, on the arm of his chair, so he just reclines his head to rest his cheek on top of Ciel's head.]

Thank you.

[Then he sighs. He places a hand over his own heart and shudders when he, once again, gets to feel no heartbeat. He's certainly not digested the news about his current condition quite yet, but he's trying not to think about it. He doesn't want to freak out in front of Ciel again. Yet his voice does come out sounding more agitated than he'd like it to.]

Well, I guess now we'll have to figure out a plan. Or they'll figure it out instead.

Edited 2012-02-04 03:44 (UTC)

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