tampered | (no subject)

"There's always something worth fighting for." Once a soldier always a soldier; once a lover always a lover. "I figure when I don't have anything left to love, it's time to pack it in and call it a day. Die for good."

Dead, alive, undead: they're all just different phases of existence. "I'm not very familiar with St. Louis. Like I said, I never made it to Earth and the one place I really wanted to go there was New Orleans. I'm predictable, right? Birthplace of jazz, that's why I wanted to go. I'm getting a little taste of what it used to be like reading the books Lestat loaned me, and I know someone else here from that city and he's told me a little bit about it."

Hearing about it doesn't equal living it, though.

"You know what took me the longest to deal with out of everything after I got here? Second-guessing myself every time I said the words life or living. I have to laugh at myself about that, about being so caught up in semantics that I actually worried that I was saying things wrong when I talked about what apartment I lived in or what I did to earn a living. How crazy is that."

"New Orleans is a nice place once you get past the mosquitoes and such. The food there's pretty fantastic and the music... Well, there's nothing else like it on Earth."

A soft laugh bubbles up as she slides thin fingers along her damp glass, leaving glistening trails in their wake.

"I know! You never think about things like that until you're really struck by how ironic is it to say them."

The music everywhere, he thinks, would be his personal definition of a slice of heaven.

"On Mars -- that's where I was born and raised -- there are cities named after places on Earth. I guess the colonists got homesick. So you might see names like L.A. and New York and Tokyo. But there's no Mars version of New Orleans."

Taking in and letting out an intentional breath, he stares into his tea. Regrets: everyone's got them. No point in crying over them, though. He glances up at Anita, almost shyly, then nods.

"If there was anything I could do to help -- when you decide you want to go home -- I would, you know. Not to see you gone; I don't want you to get the wrong impression on that. I like you a lot. I see why Lestat loves you like he does, and it would be a pleasure and an honor to call you my friend. But I would help in any way I could, just know that."

Eyes go wide at the mention of being raised on Mars.

"You were raised on Mars? Seriously?"

In her day and age, the thought of life on other planets is a huge thing for kids of her generation. To be presented with someone that's been born and raised somplace most kids dream about is just too rich.

The look he gives her reminds her again of her friend back home and it makes her give him a warm smile.

"I'd really like that, Gren. I know we didn't really get off to the best of starts, but I really like you, too. He has good taste."

That's a relief, and his tea is now more welcoming as an actual drink than as a distraction. It would be smart to drink it while it's still hot, or at this point, lukewarm.

"Yeah, raised on Mars. In the original Mars Colony. My mom adopted me when I was an infant, and she raised me there. I stayed on Mars until I was in my early 20s." And then... then things got stupid, but he doesn't need to go there. "It was beautiful. You'd be surprised what an engineer can do with climate-controlled environments. They tried to make it as much like Earth as they could, I guess, but mostly it was just like Mars. The sky always has an overwhelming tinge of red to it -- there's a lot less water on the planet than there is on Earth -- and it has atmosphere but it's so thin that they build these domes to control it. Enrich it. Make it habitable by humans. Most of the inhabited areas there are inside extinct craters, because the crater walls make controlling the climate easier."

She chuckles and shakes her head. "I swear, humans are so amazing. I can't even imagine what living on Mars would be like. I mean... we were really just getting into space in the generations around my time. It's nice to know what we're doing actually works in the future."

A quick glance is given to the waitress when she returns. As always, Anita orders coffee, black, and leans back in her chair, openly much more relaxed than before.

"What's life like back home for you?"

"Kind of dead."

Laughing, he sits back in his chair too, crossing his legs at the ankles. "I was living on Callisto, one of Jupiter's moons. It's cold there. Cold all the time. It's a great place if you like snow."

That's an understatement. "I had a gig at a jazz club, four nights a week. It was a sweet little gig, steady. The city's called Blue Crow." And he lived in Apartment 506 just like here, and he worked four nights a week, just like here. It's a fascinating parallel.

"Hey, snow is wonderful if you've got the gear for it and don't have to be in it for long. We get a decent amount of it back home, but it always ends up being when I'm having to do field work or something. Nothing quite like being frozen down to your bones and soaked."

She can see him playing somewhere, and not just because it's what he does here. It just seems to fit him, somehow.

"How long have you been playing?"

Oh, sure, get him to talk about music: Anita's just opened a virtual Pandora's box and now it will never close. "Playing sax since I was eight, piano since I was four. And I'm twenty-nine now." She can do the math herself. "We had this beautiful upright piano in our house and my mother couldn't keep me away from it. I used to compose the most unbelievable symphonies in my head when I was four and five. I thought I was a musical genius."

The memory makes him laugh. "And how about you? What instruments do you play?" To not play one is almost unthinkable to him. His whole life's revolved around music in one way or another. Even when he didn't have any -- on Titan, in prison -- he made his own in any way possible.

"From what I've heard, you're pretty talented. I'm not shocked you couldn't keep away from it."

This is a view of the more human side of Anita. It's something she tries to keep up with, since she's left clinging to that little bit of humanity left inside her.

"Well, I've never learned to play anything. My stepmother wanted me to play piano, but I never got into it. She wanted me to be a 'proper young lady' and all." A roll of her eyes tells him just what she thinks of that idea.

"Oh, a classical pianist is what she wanted, I'm sure. That's what I started with too. My mother had me taking lessons at an early age. I guess she figured if she couldn't talk me out of it, she might as well train me up so those exotic symphonies I wrote actually sounded harmonious."

Now his tea is pretty cold but he takes another mouthful of it anyway, just because it's there and when the waitress comes by with Anita's coffee, he asks for another cup of tea. To keep her company, and because he's only ever seen her drink water before and because nobody should have to drink coffee alone in a place like this.

"And I don't know about you" -- he does, actually, because the way she rolled her eyes told him exactly what he wanted to know -- "but I think the concept of piano being the instrument of choice only for proper young ladies is a load of rubbish. I think the piano is for everyone, and there doesn't have to be anything proper about it. As a matter of fact, if I can save up enough money, I'm going to get a piano for my apartment. I miss having one."

"No, I'm pretty sure she wanted me to quit wearing ratty jeans and beating up boys and such. More like, she wanted me INside instead of out all the time."

She leaves out the rest of what drove her stepmother to distraction, and why her dad had sent her off to her grandmother's. When the coffee arrives, she nods her thanks to the waitress and cups her hands around it, silently trying to soak up the warmth she doesn't have on her own now.

"I think that sounds like a great idea. I know Lestat likes having one at the apartment."

"It's a big toy, but I like to compose my songs on piano instead of sax. It's easier. I could do it on the computer -- I have a composition program -- but it's just not the same."

Also, he likes the way the sound of a piano, with those wooden hammers on strings, fills a room so completely. It's beautiful, and he's all about beauty.

After an arrangement with the waitress for a refill on tea, he nods to Anita. Time to get to the meat of things, he thinks.

"So. Are we... okay? You and me?" He doesn't like to cause trouble. Or at least not trouble of this sort.

The smile this time is amused and just a little wry. "So we're done beating around the bush, hm?"

Polite conversation has never been Anita's strongest suit, but she's not too bad at it sometimes. When it's necessary as well as pleasant.

"... yeah. I think we are. I'm... a bit of the jealous type, but that's partly due to my nature. I can't promise I won't fuss and bitch about things, but it's obvious you both care about each other. His happiness is important to me."

"I'll tell you a secret, Anita: I'm more than a little bit of the jealous type. I'm still trying to figure out how this is going to work, how it can work. The only thing I know for sure is that he's larger than life. He needs a lot of love. Probably more than any one person has to give and me, I'm only human. As idealistic as I want to be, I don't really know what's going to happen. This is a new type of situation for me. But I'm a former soldier, so I know how protocol works, and... you were there first."

He could keep going, but he's pretty sure that's enough. If Anita doesn't get it, she can ask for clarification.

"If you want the truth, Cloud was there first. He was living with Lestat when I got back here from home. I have no idea if they were in a relationship or not, though."

The coffee's empty now and she's waiting, not so patiently, for a refill. Impatience: yet another character flaw among many.

"The thing is, Cloud won't ask for time with Lestat, like we will. He'll just stay quiet and let someone he cares about slip away because he doesn't want conflict."

The coffee's refilled along with Gren's tea and she waits before saying anything else.

"I'm in love with Lestat, and I think I'm falling for Cloud. I don't want it thought or said that is just some overzealous affection or lust. It isn't."

Isn't that a nice arrangement, then.

"Both of them, huh? Good for you. I can do casual, but I'm not polyamorous. If that sounds like a contradiction in terms it isn't: I can be in casual relationships unless I'm actually... in love. Once that happens, I'm screwed."

With that he laughs and shrugs. "I don't know what's going to happen. The situation's tricky. But... I'd like to meet Cloud too."

Find out who else's toes he's stepping on unintentionally.

"If you think it wouldn't be too weird for him. I promise I'm not some predator or some opportunist. I'm actually really shy."

Anita doesn't need to know why.

"Not really. I love a lot of people and sometimes.... it's at the expense of other things. It's hard and sometimes, it's flat out painful."

She doesn't say who it hurts the most. No, instead, she raises an idle finger to trace patterns against the tabletop.

".... I'll talk to Cloud and see what he wants to do, but he's pretty shy himself. Since you came into the picture, he's started with withdraw from both of us. Lestat and I can handle the potential for hurt this situation has, but him? Well, he'll handle it by fading away and leaving. I don't want to see that happen. He deserves better."

A fierce glint shines in Anita's eyes. She's protective of those in her heart, but that's especially true of the ones that don't seem to protect themselves.

There's really only one thing to say to that.

"I'm sorry."

Again, he has to ask himself what he's doing. Why he's doing it. Where the idea came from and whether or not he ought to just... fade away. Make his own deal with the deities not for life, but for clarity.

He's never been very good at that kind of thing.

"Everyone deserves better." The situation, really, is impossible and he's smart enough to recognize that.

"... almost no one gets what they really deserve in life, Gren, be it good or bad."

Her coffee is forgotten for a moment as she drums her fingers on the table.

"There's really no need to be sorry. You're right about him. He needs a lot of love and we can't really pick and choose who we end up loving in the end."

This is a depressing turn of events. But it's like he told himself: he's already addicted to it and he won't go through withdrawal again. He's been in tougher situations than this and gotten through them: this is more a question of logistics than anything.

"And we can't pick and choose who he ends up loving either."

And that's the real sticking point. Lestat will get bored with him eventually and he knows it. He knows that right now he's the new distraction but still... still, he goes back for more.

He can't help it.

"And this has been... an illuminating lunch. Although we haven't eaten: did you want something?"

He's being kind of a lousy date.

"... no. It's almost like you didn't want me to tell you how I felt about all this. You don't seem to realize that I think he already loves you. If he didn't, I wouldn't even be here wanting to make sure you knew how the rest of us felt because he won't tell you. I want to be honest with you, like I am with all my friends, and yes, I'd like to be friends with you, but I won't pull any bones about it. I always say what's on my mind. It's a sucky character flaw that's got me in a lot of hot water before."

She's leaning in close, expression serious.

He's being studied. That makes him so uncomfortable and he wonders: is he supposed to sit here and let it happen? It's like he's on Pluto all over again, drugs flooding through his veins, the military doctors peering down at him taking notes and for a minute it fills him with this complete and irrational panic.

But he swallows it back because now's not the time or the place and he really doesn't want Anita to see it or smell fear on him.

"What do you want me to say to that? Of course you should be honest and say what's on your mind. Be honest with me: I would never ask for anything else. I would never expect anything else."

He doesn't go quite so far as to offer up complete and total honesty to her, though. There are some secrets he's willing to share with Lestat, but... not with Anita. They're none of her business.

She can tell her attention makes him uncomfortable so she leans back and averts her gaze. There's a moment of silence to break the tension as she finally starts working on her coffee again.

"Good. I want you to be honest with me, too. If there's anything you want to say, then say it."

Some day he'll take Anita for a long walk, somewhere private, just the two of them, and share stories with her. But it isn't going to happen today: this isn't the time or the place, and he doesn't know her well enough and even if he did he might not share a tenth of what he's told Lestat. The past three years taught him the implied value in keeping things hidden, in sliding by under the radar. It wasn't fun for him to see his face plastered all over the TV screens with his bounty doubled.

And he was so close to getting away. Just a few more days, that's all he needed but no, he let pride and anger and the need for revenge and the quest for answers get all jumbled in his mind. And it wasn't just in those last few days: that deal took months to orchestrate.

What was he thinking?

That's all water under the bridge, though: it brought him here and like everything else, he has to deal with the consequences... but not at Anita's expense.

She wants honesty? She can have it.

"I like you. I don't know. Part of me thinks it would be easier if I could be more antagonistic about things, more protective of the situation or something. But I can't. It doesn't make any sense, but it's the way things are. I ought to be jealous."

Sitting back again, he grins. "So how screwed up is that? I don't know. I just don't know. I feel like I'm caught in the undertow and can't break free, but I like the pulse of it all enough to just close my eyes and let that go."

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