Log; Complete - Is it truly darkest before the dawn?

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

When; September 7th, Afternoon
Rating; PG-13
Characters; Mara Lesser cry_reaper, James T. Kirk starfleet_pimp
Summary; Mara's in jail for trying to kill Kirk's girl. Obviously this is something they need to talk about.
Log;

She was being treated well, all things considered, but that didn't change what she felt. The guilt, the shame, the embarrassment. She was a Reaper. A fully trained Reaper of the Order and here she was arrested for attempted murder. She used to have control, she used to have authority, what had happened to her? She was breaking and she couldn't stop it.

Everyone kept asking, why? Why would she do that? How could she do that? And the honest answer was she didn't know anymore. The anger, the fear, it was all wound so tightly and she couldn't separate it anymore. Had she really lost control or was that just her own guilt trying to make her feel better? Had she really wanted Shalimar dead?

She huddled in the corner of her cell, arms around her knees, and tried to stop the gnawing uncertainty in her gut.

Had she really become the murderer that people seemed to think she was?

Comments

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

It took Kirk a while to first, sneak out of the apartment he was supposed to be staying in and then get down to the jail to see Mara while on crutches. Hopefully, he'd be able to upgrade to a cane soon as well as get rid of the sling for his arm. Using crutches and a sling was hard. Fortunately, Kirk was stubborn.

When he had finally managed to get in to see Mara, after being careful not to insult anyone on the Police Force with his thoughts on how stupid their arrest of Mara was, he was saddened to see how she was treating herself. Although that wasn't anything new.

"This isn't where you belong," Kirk told her, leaning forward to rest against the bars.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

She knew he was coming, the crutches and the thinly-veiled insults at the guards non-withstanding, she'd gotten so... attuned to his energy she could sense him when he got close now. Which made her feel all the worse that she could be so close to someone and hurt them so horribly. She couldn't look up, she couldn't look in his face, but she rose her head from her knees enough to speak.

"I nearly killed her, James. I think... I think part of me maybe wanted to for what I thought she'd done."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

Regret was good, because what she had done was stupid and regrettable. How things went from there though remained to be seen. Mara had a bad situation and a bad life but Kirk felt that too often she focused on that.

"Understandable," Kirk said with a nod. "I've wanted to kill people for a lot less. I have killed people for less."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"I've never..."

She wasn't sure how to finish the sentence. I've never wanted to kill. That was a lie. I've never killed. Not intentionally and not with her powers, no, but she'd taken lives in self-defense. Not that that had any bearing on her current situation. I've never been so angry at someone. That was closet to the truth, she really hadn't, but the reason she was so angry was not one she was willing to discuss.

...gods, it just kept going round and around didn't it? The questions without answers, or rather answers she was willing to give.

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"You never what?" he asked. If she thought he was going to just let things drop, she was wrong. Kirk had a lot of practice lately being stubborn with Shalimar and while Mara might not tell him what she was going to say he wasn't going to make it easy on her.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

She took a ragged breath. "You really want to know, James? Do you?"

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

Kirk continued to watch her, his gaze never wavering from where she was sitting.

"Yes," he said, without a trace of doubt in his voice.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"S'pposed to be painless, you know, the Release. But I was tired, upset, didn't set myself right. Probably didn't want to after seeing you and the others."

She wiped a hand over her eyes, trying to wipe away the exhaustion and the memory.

"I didn't want her to leave and when I touched her and I felt... it was the weapon I had at hand. Part of me, didn't mind. Part of me wanted to hurt her like she'd hurt you and her friends. That boy in a coma. But mostly... she was leaving, and not just leaving a crime, she was talking about leaving you."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"Shalimar is stupid sometimes and says a lot of stupid things," Kirk said. He was slightly touched and slightly upset that Mara had done this for him.

"You don't convince people to stay with violence, you convince them with words," he added. "She's not pressing charges, by the way. Hopefully we can get you out of here soon."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"Of course not, James, don't you think I know that?" Mara's fingers ran through her hair. "I wasn't thinking, I was upset, hurting from being in the hospital, angry, and the last thing I was doing was the one thing I should have been doing. Walking away from all of you."

She finally looks at James, "And of course she's not pressing charges. She thinks she deserved it, thinks she deserved more than what I gave her. Saw that as plain as day in her mind when the connection was made."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"And do you think you deserve this?" he asked, spreading his hands out to indicate the jail cell. Kirk had no idea where Mara's head was at right now and he wasn't sure if she did either.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

Mara looked up toward the light coming in from the small window-opening, her face set and grim.

"I broke one of the most sacred oaths I've ever taken, James. To never use my ability on someone as a weapon, unless it's a matter of self defense. I'd stand trial at home, why not here? Seems to be what the authorities want anyway."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"Because they're not putting you on trial because you broke a sacred oath," Kirk told her, wishing that she'd turn around and face him. It was easier to convey the gravity of a situation when you could look someone in the eyes.

"You need to stop looking for other people to tell you what to do or to punish you. You need to accept responsibility for what you've done and then do what you can to fix it."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"Yes, they are, James. Oaths or not, my world or not, what I did should never have been done. And that is why I'm here. I never should have..."

She finally looked at him, pain and anger and hopelessness in her eyes. "I used to know who I was, James. I may not have been the best person, but I wasn't a bad one and I knew my limits. I never, never, lost control. I never hurt anyone, even in anger. I've lost all of that here. For every step I take I feel like I'm falling further backwards."

She looked over at her Network device, still displaying Thomas's post. "I don't like the person I've become here, the person he sees."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"All he's posting about is 'boo hoo, I misjudged someone, so sad for me,'" Kirk said. Thomas' post had made him upset for more than one reason, but this is one of them.

"And he's not even right. One action doesn't define who you are, Mara. I know you're not someone who would kill or take a life on a whim. If you don't like who you've become, then become someone different. You used your powers to hurt someone and you regret it. Then do something to help people, Mara."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"The problem is James..." Mara took a deep breath and ran her hands though her hair again. "I can't do it around all of you. I can't find my footing with all of you pushing at me to be something I don't know I can be."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"I can't speak for the others, but I'm not pushing you to be perfect," he told her, moving closer to the bars. "I just want to help you believe in yourself like I think you're capable of."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

As he moved closer, Mara shrank a little further into herself. "I can't... I know you don't want perfection, but I can't even figure out what I want with all this...noise."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

When he saw her reaction to his moving forward, he stepped back again. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable with his presence.

"Sounds like you need to get away then," he said.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

Her voice dropped to just above a whisper. "I think maybe I do."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"So then what are you going to do?" he asked her, somewhat surprised by her answer. It was the first time he had heard her really say that she knew what to do about a situation.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"I... don't know yet."

It wasn't completely a lie, she had a good idea what she should do but she didn't know if she was strong enough to actually go through with it. And the idea that he might try and talk her out of it was too tempting to entertain.

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"I'll make sure they let you out of here soon," Kirk told her, letting the subject drop for now.

"Because you won't be getting away while you're in here."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

Mara let out a bitter laugh at the unintentional joke and the situation in general. Of course he would get her out, that's what he does, takes care of people. Shalimar, her, just like Thomas had and Zack, all she has to do is just sit back and let him.

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

At the laugh, Kirk couldn't help but raise and eyebrow. He wasn't quite sure what he had said that was funny.

"Why the laugh?" he asked.

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"Of course I won't get away while I'm in here - it's more or less the nature of the place, James."

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"I'll make sure that they know that no charges are being brought against you," Kirk said, adding somewhat bitterly, "Even though none ever were."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

The small smile faded a bit. "I know you will James, you always take care of me."

And Gods, she was going to miss that. Miss him.

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

Turning to leave, Kirk paused and turned back to her. Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out a book.

"Here," he said. "I brought this for you."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

Mara took the book, but didn't read the jacket. "What is it?"

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"Hamlet," he told her. "It's a famous play by the greatest playwright in the history of Earth."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"Think I'll like it?"

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," was his honest answer. "It's as depressing as hell, to be honest. But the theme is good."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, I'll be sure to read it."

Mara set the slender on the book on the bed, still not really looking at James.

"But I'd like you to leave now." She said softly.

[starfleet-pimp.livejournal.com]

Kirk raised an eyebrow at the request for him to leave, but the fact that she was actually being slightly forceful impressed him.

"Alright," he said as he turned to leave. "Take care."

[cry-reaper.livejournal.com]

Resting her head back on her knees, she whispered, more to herself than anyone else, "I'll try."