tampered | The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death.

Entry tags:

The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death.

When: 17th onward!
Rating: Gross sickly stuff.
Characters: Jim & you!
Summary: Catch-all log for Jim's friends! After the 16th when he felt ill, Jim's Augmented blood has started to fight back like it did during the two weeks he was out cold after dying in a decontamination chamber. His organs will be starting to slowly fail, blood (both his own and Khan's) will be coming up, and he's generally confined to his bedroom in his and Bones' apartment. As time goes on, his condition will be deteriorating until his essence rite is performed. Please put the date of your visit in the subject header! Forward/Back-dating and Prose/Action are all fine, as are video/audio/text which can be directed here for all personal calls while Jim is sick.
Log:

[ He finds himself thinking of Christopher, more than anything. Of the last time he saw him, specifically, in the Hall of the Missing. Of not being able to let go of him for so long and crying like a son lost in the thickest of woods, longing to find his way home only to briefly find it and have to turn back into the darkness once more. Chris had held him, kissed his hair like a father, soothed Jim in a way he had never had to before, but then again neither of them had died and been torn apart in such violent ways until the Augment came into their lives. Even in death, he's still been there when Jim needed him.

He stares out of the window in his room, propped up against pillows as coughs rumble in the pit of his chest, looking at the City below where the horizon meets a fake, beautiful sky. If he lets the migraines take over for long enough his senses go haywire and a drowsy kind of tactile memory swims under his fingers and into his nose, of an admiral's uniform scented with aftershave that soothes his anxieties almost as effectively as the real thing.

"It's going to be okay, son."

He wishes he could find a bar to drown his sorrows in. Chris always, always found him when he was at his lowest point in backwater dives.

And then on occasion, during his more painful moments where there's no one around to hear his muffled crying into a pillow or witness the sheets crumpling in his fists, his thoughts drift to the decontamination chamber. Jim wakes himself up several times after passing out with Spock's name on bloodied lips and hopes to God he hasn't started doing anything as embarrassing as crying out in his sleep to betray his fright; he has the use of his lungs still, unlike his final moments where he hadn't been able to tell his friend a wealth of things that suddenly seemed so important. Look after the crew, you're the captain now. I'll miss you. I don't want to go, stay with me. It's shameful, but a couple of times he calls for Bones just to have his company, terrified under a firmly schooled expression that he'll die in the here and now, well and truly alone.

If he had been given diagrammatics on his condition in the form of a vessel's specifics, he would have written it off by now. It's as if the effects of his descent into the warp core are being clawed out of his body in slow motion by the deepening fever-tide, leaving Jim to hate every minute of having survived. Which is counter-productive, he knows, because he very much wants to live. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I've talked to them, in that secure line. Now I'm waiting for their replies.

[ no.

he's talked back to jim more times than he can count, stated his opinions even when they aren't needed or wanted - but he's never actually ever rejected a direct order from the captain. usually, jim knows exactly what he's doing even when he's bedraggled and half-alive. there's always a time for firsts.

his jaw clenches as he puts his hands on jim's shoulder to keep him down. if they're not moving to the room, then they sure as hell aren't going anywhere. the only time he'll even consider moving away is to get the sedative and stab jim with it - if needed. ]

You weren't in the condition to move earlier, and you still aren't.

Edited 2013-07-21 12:24 (UTC)

[ Astonished when Bones refuses (he really shouldn't be, but this is something he feels strongly about and Jim never takes being rebuffed well), he grips onto a shoulder. ]

Did you tell them not to talk to him under any circumstances? I don't want so much as the sound of their voices getting through to him. [ He remembers the crunch of Admiral Marcus's skull and that can't, won't happen to anyone here. Jim refuses to accept such a fate. ] They stay away from the arrival point near that fountain and do not attempt to fight if that bastard engages contact, they run.

[ bones opens his mouth to reply, that he said enough to keep them away from the man until jim is finally capable of explaining the truth to them ( or as much of the truth as he will allow ), but a ping from his own comm grabs his attention. the reply he's been waiting for from the rest of them - or one of them. it just so happens that it's janeway.

he shouldn't really be surprised. if she knows so much about their future, or at least another version of it, she'll know about khan as well. ]

Captain Janeway is bringing Mr. Chekov and Lieutenant Uhura to the apartment.

[ he looks jim in the eyes tells him with no words exactly what's going on. they have an unmistakable order to stay where they are - janeway has assumed command now that jim is indisposed. ]

And yes, Jim, I did. A little different from your version, but the words "avoid all contact" has been stressed enough.

[ God damn it, he hates being incapacitated. Unfit For Duty has a wide net and he understands why, but it isn't as if his brain is compromised, just his body, which is still a terrible concession when he's already nowhere near strong enough to even scratch Khan on a good day but I'm hardly useless here. This isn't how he likes to operate.

Hearing everyone has been given orders in the same vein as Don't Even Sniff That Broadcast Post, he reluctantly nods. Panting, Jim nods to the sofa, leaning into Bones with a ducking cough; whether it's a City-wide problem like the fevers and migraines or not, he feels generally weaker on the whole, some of the muscle from his face and neck having sloughed off the past couple of days. ]

Help me sit down for this.

[ Exhausted and pained he may be, but Jim wants to stay alert for this and refuses to indulge his ringing head. ]

Fine.

[ he supposes that he doesn't have to warn jim off khan himself, or to stop him from jumping out of the apartment to go looking for him himself. it's not like he can get very far, but the thought that jim still might consider it still remains embedded in his head. it's not that he doesn't trust jim not to make stupid decision when he can't help it ( he's mostly has jim pegged as the kind of guy that makes stupid decisions for the sake of his crew and his ship, now, although it's never stopped bones from complaining about his other decision anyhow ).

no, it's that he doesn't trust an emotionally compromised Starfleet officer not to rush toward the first sign of danger and slam it down with their fists. he's dealt with spock's hands, fists shining red and tinted green, to know enough about that.

he does help jim, though, taking him to the closest armchair. ]

Jim. Are you okay?

[ and he's not asking about your sickness. ]

We can't stop him doing whatever he wants planetside.

[ Straining over one of the armrests to breathe, he nods along with Bones to show he's fine, just fine. Physically and otherwise. (He isn't, panic clogs his veins much like the Augmented blood being rejected.) Skittering through their options, there's a distinct lack of tactics at their disposal. ]

If his time-line's further on he's going to be livid, he'll think we killed his crew. Nothing will stop him hunting our people down. What do we have to offer him? Anonymity, maybe, but he could get that by killing us off.

Fuck. [ Hands come up either side of his skull, running through his hair. ] I need to think.

[ when janeway arrives on the scene, she may still be clad in civilian clothes, but she may as well be in uniform and have four pips pinned to her collar with the way she's carrying herself. she's gone into proverbial battle mode, having not wasted any time in making a decision and taking charge of this situation. with chekov and uhura en route as ordered, she seeks out kirk and the doctor after speaking with the latter. ]

Captain. [ she doesn't sit. she remains standing before him, sharp and rigid, posture so perfect you'd have a hard time believe she has a bad habit of putting her boots up on the desk in her ready room. ] There are important matters we need discuss. [ now is unspoken, but implied. not later. now. ]

[ Looking up when Janeway enters, he remains seated so as to avoid making a scene, just as grim-faced. ]

You saw him on the network too. [ It isn't a question. ] Khan.

I did. I admit, his true identity didn't sink in until Doctor McCoy's message. His voice struck a chord of familiarity, but being I've only seen archival footage of the man and was never graced with his presence in person. [ what she says next makes it clear that she's shed some of those barriers she's kept firmly in place since her arrival -- at least, where this matter is concerned. ] He was a subject of intense study in command school.

Yeah, well, we need to either turn him into ancient history or figure out how to contain him. It's not like we have a brig to throw him in. The only thing I can think he'd want that we can give is anonymity, he never liked the whole John Harrison cover for what it was alone.

[ Which is why Jim's confused, but whatever. Khan's a psychopath, why the hell does he do anything? ]

He didn't maintain such a cover in my time, but I assume I'm correct in guessing that he has some sort of vendetta against you in yours, as well?

[ because khan had one for the kirk in her time. kirk prime, as they call him. khan's obsession with admiral kirk and his thirst for vengeance had cost far too many good people their lives. ]

He'll either be ... relatively stable, for whatever that's worth, or he's going to think Spock murdered his entire crew on my orders. Given that he's prancing around making friends as Harrison, I'm inclined to think he's from earlier in our time-line. That might mean he hasn't seen the faces of anyone who was on the bridge, but he knows me and Bones and I don't put it past him to attack anyone we've spoken to in the City.

[ His gaze drops. ]

Whatever we do, I need to be the one to confront him. No one new has to expose their identity as Starfleet if there's the slightest chance he hasn't picked up on them yet.

Absolutely not. You will do no such thing. You will maintain your distance and avoid contact of any kind with Khan Noonien Singh. Understood?

He doesn't know your face, you go out there and announce yourself as Starfleet and God knows what he'll do to you. Right now, you're as safe as you can be.

[ Tug of War, captain-style. Take cover, Bones. ]

[ he was already gone right after jim called dibs on being the one face khan. two captains going all out on each other is so not his thing, oops. he'll just be somewhere else, taking care of chekov and uhura who should be with janeway or whatever.

but if jim ever decides to pass out he'll be there right on the dot, for sure. ]

[ she moves forward, putting a hand on either side of his chair as she leans down, deliberately invading his personal space so she can look him in the eyes. ]

Whether I do or don't isn't up to you. I've been content to stand back and let you hold the reigns, being that you were the most familiar with this world, but you aren't exactly what I'd call "in the frame of mind" to be making command decisions right now. I would rather not cite protocol at you, but I will if it comes to it. I will not stand by and watch you play at being the martyr for what sounds like a second time against a genetically engineered ex-dictator.

[ The proximity forces him back, but not enough to slouch. ]

I have no intention of playing the martyr over a man like that. [ Not again if I can help it. ] No one needs to go out there and meet him in the flesh, but if I contact him over a viewer then he'll have to believe it's the real thing after working with me in close-quarters, he knows how I hold myself and won't take me for a fake to get his guard down.

[ It's not an argument he wants or to butt heads, but a genuinely safe solution. ]

Kathryn, as soon as we're done deciding what to do here I'm intending to instruct my crew to follow your orders as if they were my own. If I were anyone else, I'd have called my being fit for duty days ago. [ Exhausted, sweating and sallow, he knows he isn't at his best; this way, at least, he keeps a scrap of dignity instead of having it wrenched out from under him. She's a good captain by all accounts and his trusting her with his crew speaks highly of his opinion (because if he didn't think she was, he wouldn't put their lives in her hands for anything). Jim nods, eyelids heavy. ] It's still smarter to show him my face instead of putting yours on the line for no good reason, you know that.

But you would, if you had to. I don't think I'm wrong in making that assumption.

[ she's willing to butt heads with him in his own best interest. she won't have the downfall of james kirk, whether it's the one that belongs to her strain of the timeline or not, resting on her shoulders, his proverbial blood on her hands because she allowed him to do something foolish where she could've stood in the way and said no, this isn't happening. he may be a different kirk, but she knows what happened with the one whose career is something of legend by this point. more so in being a fan of carol marcus's and reading about what happened with genesis from her point of view, how those scientists gave their lives to protect something so invaluable, so important, something that could've changed the federation and colonization efforts on multiple fronts, only to watch it fall into the hands of raving mad man. ]

See, that's the thing. You're like me in that regard. Or maybe, it's that I'm like you. You push yourself until there's nothing left to keep pushing. You would rather sit in that chair bruised, battered, and bleeding than surrender to any situation -- even your own injuries or deteriorating health. [ which makes her a hypocrite in some regards in chastising her own people for doing the same, but kathryn would also sooner walk the plank than force any of her crew to go near the damned thing, driven by an irrationally guilty conscience and a heavy dose of self blame she's pretty sure her first officer would throttle her for, should she ever openly indulge it again.

janeway withdraws, only to return with a chair she's drawing up before his, sitting down upon it like it's her seat on the bridge. ] I don't think so. You said he has something against you. The Khan that I'm familiar with held steadfast to a grudge against "Kirk Prime" for fifteen years. Feeding a man's obsession is hardly what I'd call practical strategy.

I would, but I'd prefer not to.

[ It's so frustrating being hemmed in by his own weak body and someone entirely too much like Pike for him to let go of the comparison, shooting off the honest to God truth about himself that he doesn't need or want to hear. His deteriorating health isn't an asset to any of them, whereas what he could say to Khan could be. He knows he could make him sit up and pay attention like no one else, it's a strong card to play.

Jim rests his weight on the arm of his chair, propped up more than anything. Hearing how Khan in the Prime reality held a grudge for that long makes his frown deepen, yet it's not enough to dissuade his tactics. Jim is sick, it feels like he's dying in slow-motion and he can't do anything else but put himself in a position of defense between Khan and the others. ]

It's not an obsession yet, we barely knew each other over a day, and you saw him on that recording. He's not foaming at the mouth to get to anyone. What other choices do we have, realistically? Now, I can barely get out of this chair, let alone go racing off to meet him the second your back's turned, so you don't have to worry about me disobeying a direct order to stay put.

I've met a lot of people here and my name's gotten around. Going about this logically, he'll call me out sooner or later, we're just getting our foot in the door first.

Kirk Prime knew him for about as long and by comparison, did little to provoke him. In fact, he showed Khan and his people a great mercy. One many other captains likely wouldn't have paid a war criminal from the late 20th Century who tried to commandeer his ship. Needless to say, Khan didn't see it that way.

[ she nods, seeing his point, and relents more on one of her own -- ] I know a lot more about Khan and augmented humans than I, quite frankly, like admitting. While what he did to your counterpart and others are common knowledge by my time, classified information was studied in command school to help prepare future Starfleet captains for the situations Kirk Prime was placed in. I've had to rely on that training more than once over the past five years, and I'm willing to share that information with you.

Whatever he did, tell me. The other Kirk. He'd want you to.

[ That much, Jim's certain of. ]

How did he beat him?

Are you sure you're prepared to hear about the things your counterpart did in my timeline? I may be willing to share them with you, but you may not be ready to hear them.

Edited 2013-07-24 15:31 (UTC)

[ They could be awful, terrible decisions. Failures innumerable, no matter that his counterpart is some kind of legendary hero. ]

I want to know.

[ What keeps him grounded is the absolute certainty that Prime Kirk did his best. ]

You-- He first encountered Khan in 2267, when the Enterprise encountered the Botany Bay adrift in space. Kirk Prime had no idea what he'd just found or who he was dealing with when Khan was awakened from cryogenic stasis. At least, not at first. Information from that time period is fragmented at best, with many of the more official accounts destroyed prior to 1996 or lost in the Third World War. It wasn't until after Khan was already on board the Enterprise were the pieces of the puzzle fully realized and they discovered they had one of that period's most infamous dictators aboard their ship. Needless to say, Khan and the other Botany Bay augments very nearly commandeered the Enterprise, and would have succeeded in killing the other Kirk, if not for a moment of compassion paid towards him by one of his crew who had defected to Khan's side.

Instead of handing Khan and his people over to Federation authorities, Kirk decides not to press charges and instead leaves them to settle on Ceti Alpha V, quietly, where Earth and rest of the galaxy was out of their reach. I can't say what made him make this decision, but I imagine it was one he grew to deeply regret in fifteen years time.

[ Leaning over his lap, Jim moves a hand away from his lips when he's through turning over the details as they're relayed to him, pausing for a moment before speaking. He remembers the emotion in Khan's voice when he spoke about Marcus's use of his people, the fury and determination.

How he surrendered on the spot on Kronos, and why. ]

It was for the sake of his crew. [ He says it with absolute certainty, only able to rationalize the same sort of decision that way. ] Khan spoke about them as his family, that he'd do anything for them. When we pointed seventy-two torpedoes with his people inside at him, he turned himself over without hesitation.

That's why Jim did it. [ Why else would you let him go? Because you touched his level for a second there, you must have. ] He gave him the chance that they never had on Earth, just ... to live.

[ And we're both idiots. Blue eyes flicker up. ]

What happened fifteen years later?

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