tampered | Log: Ongoing

Log: Ongoing

When; Sept. 21, two days after what-if day.
Rating; PG-13, since suicidal thoughts are bad.
Characters; Hyuuga Hinata, Tenten, maybe Neji
Summary; Hinata, unable to deal with the events from the previous curse day, decides that there is only one thing she can do.
Log;She stood at the edge of the roof, feeling the wind blow her short hair past her face. It was a dreary day, the grey clouds and morose atmosphere seeming to fit with her mood. The girl bit her lower lip again, not even flinching as her teeth reopened the myriad of scabs that already crusted the sensitive flesh, testament to the last few days spent biting it to hold in the sobs of self-loathing at what she had done. Blank white eyes seemed even blanker as she stared across the way, at the shattered rubble of the building she had destroyed.

I'm a monster...

She held one hand out in front of her, concentrating her chakra, eyes barely flickering as the blue chakra changed, turning from a slight blue glow into flickering snowy flames of energy.

No one knows i can do this...I learned it as I was honing my chakra control..I never knew what purposes it could have, but....I didn't intend it to be used for..murder..

Hinata allowed her attention to wander, feeling the emotions welling up inside her as her thoughts unerringly landed on Neji. She bit her lip harder, the blood dripping down her chin to splash onto the concrete in perfect spherical drops. No, she couldn't blame him. He'd never offered her anything more then his usual cold detached manner. It had been she who had taken advantage of a curse day to make HER dreams come true. Nevermind that he had been a willing participant, it didn't make it any different. So what right did she have now to expect him to behave differently? But no matter how logical her mind was, her heart was in chaos. She shook her head slightly, trying to clear her mind as she stepped closer to the edge, placing one sandaled foot up onto the ledge.

It'll all be over in just a moment. Then I'll be gone and maybe that will make him happy...

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She landed quietly behind the Hyuuga girl, glancing over. The roof still held some signs of her earlier attempts to console herself, and it had been an obvious choice for the other girl to run to.

No one really came up here, after all.

It had been the first thing Tenten had noticed, patrolling the City over and over again in her first few days. The roof was perfect for anything.

And the dark haired kunochi was sure that what Hinata was thinking would lead her here. The past few days hadn't been easy on Tenten, but it hadn't stopped her from noticing that the two Hyuuga's were slipping further and further into themselves. Hinata's note was the last straw.

With a small sigh, Tenten straightened. She could think about this objectively and get Hinata away from the edge, or she could continue to think about the past few days.

Well, it was obvious what her brain wanted to do, at least. So it was with a small mental smack that she crossed her arms, adopting her patented 'you've got to be kidding me, you know better than that' look, while clearing her throat to get the other girls attention.

Hinata jumped slightly at the sound, spinning around to look, one foot up on the ledge. Tear-filled opal eyes regarded the older girl, lower lip quivering, trail of blood running down her chin.

"T..Tenten-san..."

She wasn't sure what the other girl was doing here, but it was only logical to assume that she had an idea of what Hinata had planned. Glancing away for a moment, she shook her head.

"You...you shouldn't be here...."

"It's you that shouldn't be here, Hinata." It was hard to adopt the gentle tone of voice, harder still to make it sincere. It wasn't like she wanted to be right there on the edge with her, or anything. It was just frustrating. But she managed, expression softening as she did.

And what was with the formality? Screw the formality. She took a small step forward, already tensing up into a ready position. If Hinata took her chance... well, her shoulder was still sore and would probably wind up dislocated form the shock, but she'd have caught the Hyuuga girl in time.

That was the plan, anyway.

"Come over here and talk to me about it."

Hinata shook her head, edging closer to the edge of the building.

"I..I can't...I...I killed people...innocent people..."

It was a start, she supposed.

Of course, it meant Hinata also didn't know exactly how the City functioned.

Tenten was slowly getting back her skill at noticing things, and she silently thanked whatever god wanted to take credit for such.

She sighed heavily, taking another few steps forward. Non threatening, still a good enough distance away, but not far enough that Hinata would get anywhere. Huh, Tenten could have been a counseloror a negotiator, if she didn't like being a kunochi so. Not worth musing upon at this point, however.

"You were under a curse. Besides, they're not dead. The City will have brought them back," she replied, still keeping her voice soft and comforting. Not that she expected Hinata to believe it. She didn't, really. Couldn't. And yet, did. Aside from the fact that it defied all her logic. But it was the City and such things happened.

Tenten had learned to just accept it, at this point. She really hoped Hinata would too.

Hinata frowned slightly, then shook her head.

"No...that can't be. It..it's not possible."

She didn't want to beleive the shaft of hope that Tenten's words had driven through her gloom. It was easier to just beleive that she was a monster, useless and unlovable. But if that WAS true...it meant tha she hadn't really killed all those people...

"Yeah, it is kinda crazy, huh?" She wasn't about to get sucked back into her recent musings on the City. Hell, it was enough to drive her to jump off the roof, all the thinking she'd been doing about this place. So she'd save the thoughts for later.

Another few steps forward, slowly shortening the distance between them.

"But it's true. I'm not going to lie in this sort of situation. Heck, I wouldn't lie to you, anyway. It's not my sort of thing."

She shrugged nonchalantly, really hoping that her apparently calm demeanor would start to rub off on the other girl and bring her off the roof. While she didn't mind having to take the risk and jumping off after Hinata, dislocating her shoulder - since she was so very sure that would happen, at the very least - was not something she wanted to do. Least of all then going and explaining why to Shizune. Or anyone, for that matter, especially Jet, Lee, or Neji.

Hinata's mind was in a whirl. All of her carefully-constructed resolve had broken down into a jumble of tangled emotions and feelings that seemed to weigh her down. Though she hadn't meant to, since she arrived in the City she had been holding in all of the hurt, all of the lonliness and pain. And now, it boiled up and over the dam she had built around it, breaking through the facade of smiles and normalcy. Her lower lip quivered and she slowly crumpled to the ground, arms wrapped around her middle as she sobbed.

She was glad her shoulder was safe for the day.

Tenten closed the distance, pulling the smaller girl into a hug. This wouldn't do, all this hiding away and pretending to be fine. So Hinata could take as long as she wanted to cry.

It was somewhat odd, to be comforting a girl. Her experience seemed so limited, teasing remarks to get Neji back to normal-grumpy, exasperated sighs and long winded lectures to Lee about being himself.

But Hinata didn't seem to mind one bit, being held comfortingly, so Tenten reassured herself with the fact that her instincts weren't all that bad.

"Take your time," she murmured, patting her gently on the head.

Hinata cried harder, great heaving sobs that shook her small frame as she buried her face in Tenten's shirt, the older girl providing the rock that she needed to lean against. But even with a rock, there was still the shaky foundation to deal with. Neji. The source, at least to an extent, of her pain. Not that it was his fault. He couldn't help being the way that he was, and it certainly wasn't his fault that a curse day had made it all the more painful for the girl who held such love for him. She tightened her fists around the pink silk of Tenten's shirt, wailing her hurt and pain to the world.

She smiled slightly, waiting patiently. It was easier than waiting on Neji, what with the fact that she could actually tell, somewhat, how Hinata felt.

And the most recent curse hadn't exactly left her stupid. She'd never classify Hinata as powerless, per say, but being left in a position where others had to come and rescue her... Well, it wasn't the same, because Hinata had power ,but thought she couldn't use it. But it was close enough, really. It would have to do.

She let the smaller kunochi cry.

After what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, her wild sobbing abated, the torrent of tears ebbing to a slow trickle that accompanied the shiffles and occasional shuddering sobs. She slowly let go of Tenten's shirt, pulling away from the older girl, and staring at her lap.

Tenten knew she'd forgotten something in her rush. She smiled meekly, wishing she had something to offer as a tissue.

"Feeling better?"

Hinata nodded slightly. She wasn't sure what she could say to Tenten. The other girl intimidated her somewhat. It wasn't that she was afraid of Tenten, not at all. But the brunette was always so collected, so ready to take on anything. Nothing at all like Hinata, who wilted into a puddle of self-doubt at the slightest adversity. Tenten was strong, she didn't cry over things like this. No, she stood on her own feet and faced it and came through it without breaking.

I wish I could be like her...

"That's good." She had a bandage, right? Yeah, it was still there, in her kunai pouch. It would do. She ripped a part off, holding it out to Hinata.

"It was a bad curse, huh?" Tenten found it easier to look at the ground, noting the scratches from her mace in the concrete. She didn't want to have to talk about the curse, but if it was part of what was bothing Hinata then she'd just have to suck it up and go with it.

She nodded, taking the bandage and wiping her eyes with it before blowing her nose.

"Yeah...but I bet you didn't kill anyone.."

Ah... I guess not." She wasn't about to mention how close she'd come to dieing herself. Didn't want to think about it anyway.

Besides, she'd have to tell Jet first, if she told anyone.

But she wasn't up here to think about herself, now, was she? The reassuring smile slipped back into place as Tenten resumed watching Hinata.

"But they're not dead, not here," she added carefully. Tenten didn't know how much Hinata really knew about the City, or how much she should tell her. Tenten wasn't really sure she could, all the information being a jumble of words that made little sense as it was. But if Hinata asked, she'd do her best.

Hinata nodded, still not sure of herself. She wanted to talk to Tenten, to tell someone about what had happened, what had gone so wrong. But how did she do that? How did one bring up the reasonings why they wanted to take a dive off of a skyscraper?

Tenten sensed the hesitation and wondered briefly if Hinata was going to tell her why exactly the two Hyuuga's had been avoiding each other like the plauge.

She had her suspicions, of course.

But it wasn't something she really wanted to get involved with - certainly, it would be better if everyone was getting along - but if meant getting dragged into the middle of a Hyuuga family argument Tenten wasn't sure she could handle it at the moment.

Listening was fine, however. She felt she could manage that much, at least.

"Did you want to do something?"

"I...."

Hinata looked at the ground. Now that her mind was calming down, logical and rational thoughts and reasoning were beginning to make their way back into her head. If Tenten had appeared, in the nick of time, as it were, that meant only one thing. SHE had seen the note Hinata had left. Which meant that, whether Neji had seen it or not, Tenten knew. She knew the secret that Hinata had guarded for nearly 5 years, though she herself had only been aware of it for 3. She swallowed, cheeks growing red as she looked away.

"You know.....don't you?..."

"Ah. Well, it's a bad habit, I guess." She sighed, glancing off to the side. There was no excuse, really, for why she'd gone ahead and read the note, when she would go ahead and pry given half a chance.

But it wasn't like she was doing it to be nosy. Tenten just worried about everyone, every now and again.

"But... yes," the brunette managed to finish, finding comfort in the view. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, Hinata."

She felt her lower lip start to quiver again, the feelings threatening to well up and boil over, but fought them back. She stared at the ground, before continuing in a soft voice.

"He...he hates me....he wishes that I would just disappear..."

She felt her fingers curl into fists, nails cutting into her palms slightly.

"I..I don't know what to do...what to say....since that night..."

She swallowed, finding that it was gradually becoming less and less difficult to talk to the older kunoichi about things.

"You remember that one curse day, right? The...the wish day?"

She laughed nervously - it probably wasn't going to be a curse she forgot. She'd bailed on the Hyuuga's in order to stop Jet doing something stupid... If that meant that because of her absence, they'd fought over something...

Well, she wouldn't blame herself per say, but she'd certainly feel a lot guiltier. She'd meant to do the right thing after all, and that's what she thought she had done.

"Yeah, I remember that one." There was something behind her words that suggested it wasn't best to ask quite why. And while she wanted to address the issue of Neji hating her, she felt it was better to wait until she'd heard Hinata's reasoning.

"Well, you know what Neji-kun wished for, right? He..he lost the juuin for the day.."

She swallowed, fighting back her own embarassment at what she was about to reveal.

"Well I....I had wished...that Neji-kun, I mean Neji-niisan... that he would...feel the same...about me. As..as I feel...."

Even though I didn't mean to..

"And...and he did...."

She started crying again slightly, little sniffles here and there.

"And it was wonderful...we spent the day together, and he was so kind and considerate, and even if just for a day, I could...pretend...that it was real. That it was going to last. And after we got home...we...that is...."

She turned bright red, unable even to mention what had occured later on that evening.

Oh.

...

Oh. Whoa.

Tenten wasn't sure. Well, she was. She knew what Hinata was trying to say as well as she knew that Kabuto was lying when he said he didn't.

Geez, was she the only one around here with... Well, never mind.

Awkward was just the start. "It's fine, Hinata. I understand." It definatly explained some things. Like, Neji not leaving his room for a while.

Yeah, things were starting to make sense. And Tenten half wished they weren't.

Tenten was surprised. She could tell that much from the slightly awkward way the brunette was acting. And that only made her feel worse. She stared at the ground.

"Was...was it wrong?...I..even though I knew....that it was probably a curse...I...I didn't want to beleive it...so..when things started going...that way...I...I just let go...I..."

Her voice began to quiver.

"I..I wanted it to....I..I wanted Neji to...to be the first....but was it wrong? I..I thought that..even if things went back to...the way they used to be...I..at least I would have that one day and night to remember. But...."

"No, Hinata... It wasn't..." Was it? Tenten was still trying to get her head around the facts.

It had been part of a curse.

God, this was harder than she though, trying to rationalize her way around it. It wasn't like she had any first hand experience with a curse making her do... something.

Sure, she'd stopped Jet from being an idiot a few times already but that wasn't... her. She hadn't been the one affected.

"Hinata... He was influenced by a curse. So... He probably just didn't know what to think. It's really Neji you should be talking to about it." Jet wasn't Neji, but she knew enough about the way he'd reacted after the wish day to know that Neji probably really needed to talk about it.

All this thinking was making her head hurt, damnit. Why couldn't people have simple problems that she could actually help with, instead of having to offer half-answers to everything?

Hinata nodded.

"I...I know..but he won't talk to me. He stays in his room all the time and won't come out. I...I'd understand if he just wanted to try and forget it ever happened. If...if he thought it was all a mistake.. But he won't TELL me anything...and...I don't know how to bring it up...especially since..."

She swallowed hard, one hand absently rubbing her upper arm.

"When I woke up, it was to the sound of him punching his hand through the mirror.....the juuin had come back... and he...he still didn't want to believe that it had just been a curse...he..he accused me of putting it back on...of using him....and then throwing him back where I'd found him....he...he grabbed me and slammed me against the wall...I was afraid of him..for a moment..But then he let me go and just turned away. He..he told me to get out, so I did. I..."

She hung her head.

"That he would think that I would...put that horrible thing....I HATE it! I've always hated it...Father thinks of it as a tool, a tool to control those who are "less important" then we are. But...it's monstrous...something that should be done away with and forgotten..."

She nodded slowly. She really should have pushed harder to make Neji realize it had been a curse day...

Should have told him as soon as she'd figured out what the curse was.

Oh, the more she thought about it the more it was becoming her fault. Her selfless wish, her ditching them, if she'd been there, if she'd saved her wish...

But there's no changing the past. Tenten was aware of that much, at the very least.

She knew enough about the juuin to know she didn't like it. And she knew enough not to talk about it with Neji.

A heavy sigh later, her eyes closed wearily and she'd managed to gather enough words for Hinata.

"We'll just have to drag him out of his room then. It's not something I can talk to him about for you, but I can get him to face you, at the very least."

Having an unusually perceptive moment, Hinata shook her head, alabaster eyes studying Tenten's face.

"Don't think it's your fault. It's mine. I...I knew it was a curse day...I should have..stopped it. Before it went that far...but..I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to know what it was like. What it felt like for him to look at me with eyes so full of kindness and caring, to feel a touch from him that was gentle and tender, rather then cold and harsh. To know what it was like to hear him speak my name with something other then bitterness and resentment in his tone... I feel as though I should regret it, but I don't. Not at all. I just...I wish I could take his pain away....and I wish it didn't hurt so much more now to see him... I..I wish I was stronger. I felt stronger that day...like I had confidence that I've never had before. And I liked that feeling...I wanted to hold onto it...but why do I now feel as though it's slipped beyond my grasp every time I'm near him. I thought...that things would go back to normal...but they haven't"

She glanced away for a moment.

"No, don't do that to him. Not today. He..."

She swallowed, mind reliving the events of the previous curse.

"The other day...the what-if day...he beleived his father was still alive. He was HAPPY. He...he wanted to protect me. And the person that I had become threw it back into his face. I..I treated him the way he usually treats me...But..he's hurting...because now he has to think once more about how his father isn't here...I..I don't think it would be fair of me not to let him have his space today....no matter what I want...."

"No, we can leave it for today. You've done enough for the time being, Hinata. I know it's difficult to confide in someone."

Didn't she just. It was hard enough to get Neji to talk to her normally, and the City was driving a wedge between the fragile friendship she'd managed to form with him through years of teamwork. She was mostly to blame for that, too, actually. Constantly going out, making new friends, spending more and more time away from him.

But Lee was here now... It would be easier to spend time with both of them, as the team they were. Tenten hoped that it would help Neji open up and relax around Hinata too.

"It's not like we should just forget about the what if day but it's... It wasn't real, you know? That's not who we are," she added, after much thought.

She nodded, though not thoroughly convinced.

"I..I know...but what if it's a reflection of...of who we will be?"

She held up one hand, concentrating chakra around it. The blue glow intensified, then with a crackling sound, the aura shifted into white flames.

"I...I never showed this to anyone before....it's...I learned it when I was trying to hone my chakra control during my medic-nin training. I..I never knew what it was supposed to be used for, what to DO with it. The...the what-if day...I remember what I said. "The name of Hyuuga means nothing to me. Now there is only Shirohi no Hinata." What if this is just an indication that that person is who I'll become? I remember my thoughts on that day. All I could feel was anger. Hurt and anger and bitterness. Towards Konoha, towards my family....towards Neji... I..I had let that pain consume me...what if that happens? What if I AM that person, underneath. And I've just been refusing to see it?"

"It's impossible." There was a fire behind those words, a deep conviction that never again in her life would Tenten stand helplessly waiting for someone to rescue her.

But she watched Hinata's display of control with a sense of apprehension settling in her gut. What was with her recently? She did not know...

"You should ask Shizune... You're not, you know. You're stronger than that." To be an Akatsuki meant being an S-rank ninja, to be sure. But to Tenten it showed a form of cowardice. She probably wouldn't be able to fully put into words why she felt that way, but she did. "There's more to life than anger and pain. There's more to you than the Byakugan. You're more than a Hyuuga, Hinata. You're a kunochi. And you're strong in your own way. You don't need that, you don't need to give in to darker side of your feelings. You've got friends who'll stand by you."

There was an unasked question behind the words, Tenten secretly wondering if any of the other Chunin had noticed her efforts to keep them out of harms way. It was better if they hadn't, of course. Easier if they didn't know what lengths she was going to to keep them as safe as they could be in the City.

She didn't mention her wish, either. She wasn't sure if it would hurt her or Hinata more to admit it.

She glanced up at Tenten, putting the remembered feeling of the blood splattering her as the white chakra flames sliced through things in the back of her mind. Tenten was right. Though Hinata might not see herself as strong, she couldn't deny that she did have friends. She let a small smile flit across her features, the chakra flames fading away. Without bothering to ask, she flung her arms around Tenten's waist, burying her head in her friend's shirt.

"Thank you...Tenten.."

Well, that was different. Normally her advice was met with a grunt or a nod, or Lee running about doing laps until he was satisfied.

It was a nice sort of different.

"Any time." Tenten smiled warmly, patting her reassuringly on the head again. She didn't mind the big sister role as much as she said she did, really.

After a moment, the smaller girl pulled away, brushing bangs from her eyes.

"ne, Tenten...I...have a favour to ask..."

She fidgeted slightly, then frowned, shaking her head minutely. No, she wouldn't stutter, wouldn't let her nerves get the better of her. She wanted to be stronger. She couldn't be afraid of answering a simple question. She took a deep breath, closing pearlescent eyes momentarily before opening them again.

"Will you help me train? I want to be strong. Like..you, and Neji-niisan."

"A-ah... Yeah." The shocked expression slipped into a wide grin as she nodded in response.

Hinata thought she was strong? Well, that certainly cheered her up a bit. Her biggest worries had been her recent weakness and how she'd owund up placing her teammates at risk because of it.

To have a fellow kunochi consider her strong was a nice boost to her rapidly deflating ego. "Whatever you need, Hinata."

She nodded.

"Thank you."

Hinata glanced sideways at the other girl, feeling much more comfortable in her presence then she had before. But still...she studied Tenten's features, imprinting them on her memory. This was the girl on Neji's team. The only girl, really, that he considered "friend". Someone who, despite the fact that Hinata was family, was so much closer to the object of her affections then she felt she'd ever be. She felt her cheeks redden slightly in embarassment, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt a bit.

"N..ne...Tenten...can...can I ask you something?"

"Of course~" Nothing like a compliment to get one back to normal, really. She'd worry about getting Neji to talk to her later, worry about making sure Lee was alright and finding his way about just fine... Worry about what to say to Jet. Later.

Right now she was dealing with Hinata. "What is it?"

"I....what do you think of Neji-niisan?"

She was surprised that she had mustered up the courage to ask such a question. Since she had first realized her feelings for the stoic young man, Hinata had always viewed Tenten with a certain degree of envy. She was his friend. She was the one he talked to. The one he confided in. The one that he was close to. And she had never been able to shake the notion that perhaps she wasn't the only one who harboured feelings for him.

Had she been standing, Tenten was she she'd have fallen over. The question caught her off guard.

What she thought of Neji?

...What did she think?

It was a good question.

"Um... Huh. I admire him~ He's a strong team leader. And he can be cold sometimes, but it's part of his charm. I don't... Well, that's really it~" She giggled slightly, not really in the habit of laughing things off but quite unsure what Hinata wanted from her with the question. He was a teammate, and that was how they viewed each other, right?

There was more to the relationship than just being on the same team of course. There was dedication and working together and getting along and knowing when the other needed space or needed to talk or just needed someone to sit there quietly. It was the small things that had developed after years of missions that couldn't quite be put into words. Beyond that? Was there even something beyond that?

She wasn't sure.

Hinata studied her, not sure what to make of the other girl's answer. Was that really all there was to it?

"S..so....that's all? You...you don't...."

She couldn't quite bring herself to ask the other kunoichi if she also loved the cold-natured man the Hyuuga girl had fallen for. She also wasn't sure what she would do if the answer was "yes".

Her eyes narrowed as she realized what Hinata meant.

She'd always imagined that, if she ever did fall in love, she'd know it. So if she was, she was about to be blindsided by it. Love? Like she needed it anyway. It complicated matters, made it harder to focus on missions. Put you and that person in danger. That was how she saw it.

And Neji? Well now. That made her think. She thought back to all the times they'd trained together, all the missions they'd run. All the times they'd backed each other up.

There was nothing there that indicated anything beyond a very close friendship. Not to Tenten, anyway.

"Hinata," she managed, after a moment of thoughtful silence, "you don't have to worry." The dark haired shinobi smiled warmly, stretching slightly. "He's my teammate and my friend. No more, no less."

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Log: Ongoing

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