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Entry tags:
(no subject)
When; Thursday, August 8th.
Rating; PG?
Characters; Dr. McCoy [![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
medicos ] & Spock [ logistical ]
Summary; the drama unfolds in the star trek house, starting from here, dragging a couple of people with them, until this happens. and then, a lull. but not for long. spock is always going to be a thorn by bones' side, after all.
Log;
Rating; PG?
Characters; Dr. McCoy [
medicos ] & Spock [ logistical ]Summary; the drama unfolds in the star trek house, starting from here, dragging a couple of people with them, until this happens. and then, a lull. but not for long. spock is always going to be a thorn by bones' side, after all.
Log;
[ really, bones has expected it to happen the moment jim up and announces that he'll spend his time around spock while bones tries to "cool off", as it were, out of sight. he's gotten a good glimpse of how close jim and spock have been through that whole year spent healing and recovering from the devastation of the ship and the aftermath of khan's demise. yeah, yeah, jim may not be good at talking about his feelings, and bones may grump his way through discussions in order to deflect what's really important, but spock is a smart man, and out of everyone in his damn city, more than jim himself in some cases, it's spock who knows him best.
spock, who's had that year of memories that the rest of the crew aren't privy to and knows exactly what's going on in bones' mind even if he tries to deny it. goddamn vulcans and their hyper-intelligence. when they're useful, they're useful. otherwise, they're pesky as hell, and bones doesn't really need to be stalked by a goddamn green-blooded alien, now does he?
he stops in the middle of the sidewalk of some place he can't be assed to remember, on his way to pink's apartment because that's the safest place to be right now. he turns around, a look on his face that clearly has no time or patience for anyone's bullshit (but maybe that's not it, maybe he's just tired, but he's still running regardless). ]
What now?
spock, who's had that year of memories that the rest of the crew aren't privy to and knows exactly what's going on in bones' mind even if he tries to deny it. goddamn vulcans and their hyper-intelligence. when they're useful, they're useful. otherwise, they're pesky as hell, and bones doesn't really need to be stalked by a goddamn green-blooded alien, now does he?
he stops in the middle of the sidewalk of some place he can't be assed to remember, on his way to pink's apartment because that's the safest place to be right now. he turns around, a look on his face that clearly has no time or patience for anyone's bullshit (but maybe that's not it, maybe he's just tired, but he's still running regardless). ]
What now?
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[It isn't concern for McCoy's welfare alone. It's for Jim's.. and it's for Spock's, too. Their crew is cogs in a machine, oiled properly and clicking together, each fulfilling its purpose, and when one is out of place the rest cannot thrive. When one of those cogs is the CMO, and the captain cannot fix it (Jim couldn't, Spock'd seen it written on him as clearly as 1 and 1 made 2), it's his own duty to step in and pick up what he can, even if it's clumsy. He wasn't built to put people back together, he's no miracle worker. Only a scientist.]
[Still, Spock goes to the hospital first, dressed in civilian attire, and catches McCoy leaving by the front door. He trails him for several streets, deliberately staying in view, and stops when addressed. Straightening up, he remarks:]
You have not yet eaten.
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really. really? ]
You stalk me for how many goddamn streets we've passed already, and the first thing you comment on is if I've eaten food or not.
[ he pauses, arms raised a little as if he wants to cross it over his chest, or raise them both up as a sign of surrender. he doesn't particularly know right now. he tries to find a sign on spock's face but knows it's a lost cause in itself - vulcan, remember? bones sure does right now.
but, he's right. he hasn't eaten. he's stopped by scott's housewarming party during his lunch break to greet him and his mother, and dropped off some pie, but didn't actually take a bite out of anything himself. plans of dinner afterwards is ruined by unprecedented circumstances that bones would much rather not talk about in the middle of the streets right now, thank you very much, because his smart mind figures that this is really what it's all about. ]
Alright, no. I haven't. You gonna ask me out to dinner, then?
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[Whether he's aware of the double entendre or not, he cheerfully (for a Vulcan) makes the comment. He doesn't need as much food or sleep as the rest of the crew, but the fatigue on the others shows, the rust has to be cleaned off and a break is the swiftest way to accomplish it.]
I am given to understand that the person making the request should cover the costs.
[A seafood restaurant. They have vegetarian options (he checked when touring with Angela), and he's done enough research on comfort food by now to know it might achieve the desired effect. He has come to care for this man by proxy, and then directly, watching him slowly fall apart during the few weeks they spent in proximity, and he wonders, honestly, how he could have been so blind as not to give aid to the one person who needed it far more than he and Jim did. Then again, he was never that good at... emotions. What has changed now is that he's willing to make an attempt. Logic, after all. One can't be successful in an endeavour if one is unwilling to try.]
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Only if you're feeling generous, or if it's a date. [ he can't stomach the fact that spock will buy something for him. he has a line, don't cross it. ] We can split the costs.
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[Stubborn, meet Incredibly Stubborn. Besides, McCoy's already done so much more for him than just pay for food, he's stood by Spock, tolerated him throughout (and the Vulcan has so few friends). The gravity of that, what's there tying them together... leaves him in so much debt he cannot even begin to fathom paying it back.]
Please. Follow.
[He walks, fully expecting McCoy to assent to the request.]
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[ a great dilemma, this - letting spock have his last word for now and following him before chewing him out before the food arrives, or laying it all on the line here and there, in the middle of the street with a few passerby looking at them curiously.
bones runs all of his fingers through his scalp in frustration and follows, but doesn't say anything until they're sat down in a booth at one of the quieter parts of the restaurant. even then, he refuses to comment on the place being a seafood restaurant, because hell, there's been enough times that he's sat down in the mess halls and asked the replicators to bring him a delicacy of his home town, and georgia's got one of the better fishing grounds around what was once the american coast. ]
Just for your information, Spock, I'm in perfect condition to pay for whatever the hell I want to.
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[He walks calmly and self-assuredly, their seats are available and the waiter nods at him. Jim's impulsive as all hell but Spock is a meticulous, almost obnoxious planner and it's clear that this entire thing was already on his mind before he went to locate McCoy, since their dinner arrives almost promptly. McCoy's is his favourite (or what Spock discerned to be his favourite, after discreetly monitoring what he ate). The appearance also suggests it's already been paid for, which doesn't give McCoy any choice in the matter but to follow the sequence logically. Just the way Spock likes it, really.]
Your day at the hospital. I trust it was pleasant?
[He's not a talker. He's terse, and stoic, and distant from the rest of the crew. Jim and Bones, on the other hand, they need to speak, to be heard, and usually, Spock listens patiently. He's doing so now, jabbing where he can, carefully lancing the infection. Basic first aid.]
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figures.
the day in the hospital was pleasant, yes. quiet, even, except for when he's alone with his thoughts and all he can think about are the things he's said to jim, the things he should have said, and the things he'll try to convey the next time he sees him. nonetheless, they are jumbled thoughts, still a puzzle in his head. he's never been good at talking with people, except when they're children. he can say that jim's a child sometimes, an infant of the most reckless calibre, but he can't ever say that he's the easiest person to talk to.
his shoulders slump down, exhaustion warring with his pride and taking over, almost suddenly. spock cares, perhaps, in his own way, but the need to get this over with is much, much stronger. ]
We can quit the small-talk and cut to chase, Spock. I'd rather that we're straightforward with one another, and I think you do, too.
[ ( that, or perhaps, even on a subconscious level, he knows that spock can help.
bones and jim are no longer those two lonely people on their own, shouldering each other's demons in the ways they know how. there's more to the puzzle, a third piece that's wedged its way it and fit perfectly despite earlier misgivings. ) ]
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I have no preference, as you are quite aware.
[but finally you see logic, he nearly remarks, proudly, as he regards his soup with some measure of care. Satisfied that it smells the way it should, he turns his attention to McCoy, and adds:]
You are not well.
[He speaks directly, simply, his tone mild, moderated, with the barest hint of worry. He can't quite tell if it's sadness or anger radiating from McCoy (or both, or more than that) because he can't read the man that well yet. Being forged through fire gave him an edge he would never have had otherwise: everything else is an uphill climb. Spock's no stranger to those. He is the best at what he does, he makes himself so, unlike Jim, who already is the best and needs only to apply himself.]
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We've had this talk before.
[ in those two weeks with jim under bones' constant and excruciatingly attentive care, spock is his constant companion. sometimes, there's nothing to talk about but the fact that jim almost died under their watch, and then some. ]
Just like you and Jim have, I'm guessing.
[ two lines connected. an open triangle. but to close it, there has to be closure. jim is halfway there. bones... is not. that's the bottom line. ]
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[That's why we have nothing to say to each other.. Spock looks at his soup, and takes a few sips. Comfort food never made sense to him until he saw it applied, and he can agree with the principle of it. He's found himself doing a lot, these days. Since Jim died, really. Starships run on loyalty to one man, and when death has touched him, nothing is ever the same.]
[After a while, he says, quietly:]
Is your meal to your liking?
[I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you two are at odds. That we are going through this nightmare again. That we didn't see how hurt you were until it was too late.]
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If I say yes, you're going to be goddamn smug for the rest of the day.
[ very satisfactory, spock.
and then, gruffly: ] Ever heard of the phrase 'Physician, heal thyself'?
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You are applying it to our current situation?
[Ours, as it's always been, and rarely ever acknowledged. Situation because he can't say disaster, but the doctor knows.]
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[ the lives of others outweigh is own, their path to healing is priority. bones' job, after all, is to fix the problem, always has been and always will be. he can't be the one that needs to be fixed.
that, he thinks grudgingly, is the logical decision. do his damn job, and figure out the rest when it's over, if it's over. although he comforts himself at the thought that even if it isn't, he would've still done the same thing, anyway. ]
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[Except that's what it is, to Spock, because while he drowned in his rage and grief, McCoy at least was steadfast enough to think of a cure, or to do his duty. But even the best and most dedicated of people can break (spare my crew, they were only following orders).]
[After a while-]
Cold logic does not befit you.
[That's Spock's realm, and he traverses it by himself. Jim and Bones balance that out. When they start to blur and mix (I'm not the one who needs help) it can be trying.]
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[ no, he's never been one with pure logic. It's not logic that has gotten him on that star ship and it's not going to be the one that makes him stay.
after a moment of brief, terse silence, he caves - ]
How is he?
[ jim, of course. ]
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[He accepts failure, in this particular enterprise. Even he has his moments of doubt in his own abilities, despite trying.]
[And after a pause, he's tempted to give in, talk about Jim, because that's easier. They're trying to be direct, just like he was earlier and.]
[Oh, fuck it.]
Unclear. I conveyed our grievances. He did not understand.
[Like I expected he wouldn't.]
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[ bones knows that that's a problem - if not the problem. he once said, in one of their late night conversation in the City, that he'd support jim even if his decisions were stupid. this thing he's doing is not a very good show for someone who doesn't break promises, is it? ]
I'll talk to him. [ soon. not now. ]
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It would be advisable to do so after a few days. This... associate you are staying with. Are their quarters acceptable?
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Just about. [ it's not home, it's not the enterprise, and it's not with jim. but it's fine. ] Apparently, the last time I was stuck here - which I don't remember at all, so don't ask - I've stayed with 'em before. Calls himself Mr. Pink. They're fine with me sleeping over with him for a while.
[ and because it's somewhat relevant - ] Jim hates him. [ to add salt to the wound. ] They didn't get along the first time they talked and they sure as hell aren't going to now.
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[When it comes down to it, Spock is more on McCoy's side of this argument than Jim's. He has to serve as the middle ground, but let's face it, his emotions have swayed him more towards one than the other.]
Kindly remain in contact. [Khan was still in the city, and they had to keep eyes out for each other. This is also the closest Spock gets to openly admitting he is worried. A ship cannot be still without its anchor and they are not steady without McCoy.]
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[ since you so kindly stalked him and dragged him out here to have dinner with you and all. he's not that stupid, anyway, not when chekov and uhura have suddenly disappeared without a word, they all need to keep close contact as much as possible.
this is just terrible timing, really. ]
Didn't think you'd be so worried about me, either.
[ - he can't resist the dig. you know there's a reason he's jim's best friend. ]
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I did not wish to be at his side, then.
[Sure, they'd come through stronger, but he'd just been angry, and upset. It was unnecessary.]
I still do not.
[He regards his soup, and quietly starts to eat.]
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no. he doesn't think so, really. no one wants to see a loved one die - and spock, dear god, spock, has seen far, far too many of his own kind fall to their deaths. and then, there's his mother, of course. and now, jim. it's unnecessarily, unintentionally cruel in a way, although jim probably - understandably - wasn't thinking about the effect he would've had on spock.
one of these days, it is going to be one of them who's going to show up in the medbay and bones will have nothing more to do than to sit by their side and talk to them until they close their eyes one last time. it's a sad thought, but it's logical, reasonable - inevitable. but for that moment, they'd all be ready - someday.
right now, they... aren't. ]
Right before a person dies, they usually have one thing on their minds. Everyone's a little bit afraid of the thought of dying. No one wants to spend their last moments alone.
[ bones knows this, of course, because jim is not the first person he's loved that has died on his watch, but he is the first that he wasn't able to reach because he didn't know, he wasn't called, like he should have been.
he considers that his own failure. ]
It's always hard on the person who gets to see it.
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I am aware.
[Jim's eyes, on the other side of the glass, hadn't been Amanda Grayson's eyes. He'd been scared, she hadn't. She'd simply smiled, that brief, satisfied smile of you will always have a proud mother and then the transporter beams had missed her. Spock didn't blame Chekov for it, that would be beneath him, not because it was irrationally emotional, but because it was simply petty.]
I was present at the moment Admiral Pike passed.
[That is another in the long line of honesty hour that they have going. Probably the most open they've ever been, even after a whole year. Spock is tired, of having to bury people. Prime outlived almost all his crewmates and is now stranded in a separate universe, unable to share his pain and grief. Spock doesn't want to end up like him.]
hi 7021 years later
You melded with him.
[ he's seen enough in the hospital to know their practices. some vulcans that cannot - or sometimes, would not, but that's another story altogether - be saved call for their kin, and there's been an occasion or two where he's been granted the privilege to watch such a sacred ritual. vulcans do not like the thought of watching someone die on their own, but their touch telepathy comes at a cost.
most of them know how to deal with that, he's guessing, but spock - bones doesn't know. hasn't asked because it's none of his business to begin with.
he knows enough from scotty's reports about what happened in the warp core to know that jim died from the other side of the glass, alone. and spock wasn't able to reach him, either. ]
/reaches
Yes.
[He doesn't ask how McCoy knows - there were enough Vulcans dying aboard the ship after they'd fled, chasing Nero. Enough in mind shock, as well. It was not ideal, but then again, Spock doesn't consider those kind of things when something he deems necessary has to be done. The same way he would sooner nerve-pinch Jim than let him go after Khan by himself.]
[Of the warp core, he says and implies nothing.]
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I've stood by a few patients and stayed with them to ease their passing. I'm the last person they see before they die.
[ he would've stood by jim if he couldn't heal him, painful as that is. but bones is no stranger to heartache and loss. he'd love lost himself in that sadness, but he would have risen back to being himself eventually, living for jim's sake, in his memory, as he would've wanted had he not been able to revive him in time.
then again, that is another thing to be in inadvertently thankful for, no matter how much he dislikes the notion.
jim lived because their own choices. ]
It's not easy, especially if you care for them. You carry that burden for the rest of your life.
[ he thinks of his own mother, passing because of her own old age and weakness, leaving him and his father to carve new paths for themselves without her. and he thinks of the red-headed little girl he couldn't save, who wanted to travel up to the stars and have a ship of her own.
he understands, more than you know. ]
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[He listens, pondering the last few bits of his meal. Would McCoy have stood by Jim the same way Spock had? He'd never know, it was far too hypothetical and they were both unpredictable in such cases.]
[He's glad, he decides. That McCoy didn't have to be the one there. It's a curious thought (and that's even more curious, that it's a thought), one he never expected. Logically speaking, McCoy has already seen so many patients, friends and family, slip away on the table. Crew members, and Vulcans too. Should they be adding one more to that list?]
I do not know how you can.
[Admitted quietly. Praise, of a kind, for that inner strength.]
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[ a private joke all on its down. bones knows how stubborn he is, how unyielding, and sometimes it's all for the stupidest reasons. but, not anything that he would consider wrong. bones values what he believes, and that's that. ]
Eventually you learn that you can't save everyone's lives, and you always have choices to make. This or that. Sometimes you choose between one life or another. You accept that there's no right choice to begin with, but saving one life is better than losing 'em both. Doesn't mean that you stop there, though. You have to believe that you can save everyone, even if you know you wouldn't be able to. You fight for everyone's lives because they can't.
[ when all that's said and done, you tell yourself that you've done your best even if you don't believe it. ]
If you can't do that yourself, then you at least look at 'em in the eyes before they die. Makes them realize they're not alone.
[ a beat. ]
That's what I do, anyway.