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Entry tags:
(no subject)
When; Thursday, August 8th.
Rating; PG?
Characters; Dr. McCoy [![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
medicos ] & Spock [ logistical ]
Summary; the drama unfolds in the star trek house, starting from here, dragging a couple of people with them, until this happens. and then, a lull. but not for long. spock is always going to be a thorn by bones' side, after all.
Log;
Rating; PG?
Characters; Dr. McCoy [
medicos ] & Spock [ logistical ]Summary; the drama unfolds in the star trek house, starting from here, dragging a couple of people with them, until this happens. and then, a lull. but not for long. spock is always going to be a thorn by bones' side, after all.
Log;
[ really, bones has expected it to happen the moment jim up and announces that he'll spend his time around spock while bones tries to "cool off", as it were, out of sight. he's gotten a good glimpse of how close jim and spock have been through that whole year spent healing and recovering from the devastation of the ship and the aftermath of khan's demise. yeah, yeah, jim may not be good at talking about his feelings, and bones may grump his way through discussions in order to deflect what's really important, but spock is a smart man, and out of everyone in his damn city, more than jim himself in some cases, it's spock who knows him best.
spock, who's had that year of memories that the rest of the crew aren't privy to and knows exactly what's going on in bones' mind even if he tries to deny it. goddamn vulcans and their hyper-intelligence. when they're useful, they're useful. otherwise, they're pesky as hell, and bones doesn't really need to be stalked by a goddamn green-blooded alien, now does he?
he stops in the middle of the sidewalk of some place he can't be assed to remember, on his way to pink's apartment because that's the safest place to be right now. he turns around, a look on his face that clearly has no time or patience for anyone's bullshit (but maybe that's not it, maybe he's just tired, but he's still running regardless). ]
What now?
spock, who's had that year of memories that the rest of the crew aren't privy to and knows exactly what's going on in bones' mind even if he tries to deny it. goddamn vulcans and their hyper-intelligence. when they're useful, they're useful. otherwise, they're pesky as hell, and bones doesn't really need to be stalked by a goddamn green-blooded alien, now does he?
he stops in the middle of the sidewalk of some place he can't be assed to remember, on his way to pink's apartment because that's the safest place to be right now. he turns around, a look on his face that clearly has no time or patience for anyone's bullshit (but maybe that's not it, maybe he's just tired, but he's still running regardless). ]
What now?
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I did not wish to be at his side, then.
[Sure, they'd come through stronger, but he'd just been angry, and upset. It was unnecessary.]
I still do not.
[He regards his soup, and quietly starts to eat.]
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no. he doesn't think so, really. no one wants to see a loved one die - and spock, dear god, spock, has seen far, far too many of his own kind fall to their deaths. and then, there's his mother, of course. and now, jim. it's unnecessarily, unintentionally cruel in a way, although jim probably - understandably - wasn't thinking about the effect he would've had on spock.
one of these days, it is going to be one of them who's going to show up in the medbay and bones will have nothing more to do than to sit by their side and talk to them until they close their eyes one last time. it's a sad thought, but it's logical, reasonable - inevitable. but for that moment, they'd all be ready - someday.
right now, they... aren't. ]
Right before a person dies, they usually have one thing on their minds. Everyone's a little bit afraid of the thought of dying. No one wants to spend their last moments alone.
[ bones knows this, of course, because jim is not the first person he's loved that has died on his watch, but he is the first that he wasn't able to reach because he didn't know, he wasn't called, like he should have been.
he considers that his own failure. ]
It's always hard on the person who gets to see it.
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I am aware.
[Jim's eyes, on the other side of the glass, hadn't been Amanda Grayson's eyes. He'd been scared, she hadn't. She'd simply smiled, that brief, satisfied smile of you will always have a proud mother and then the transporter beams had missed her. Spock didn't blame Chekov for it, that would be beneath him, not because it was irrationally emotional, but because it was simply petty.]
I was present at the moment Admiral Pike passed.
[That is another in the long line of honesty hour that they have going. Probably the most open they've ever been, even after a whole year. Spock is tired, of having to bury people. Prime outlived almost all his crewmates and is now stranded in a separate universe, unable to share his pain and grief. Spock doesn't want to end up like him.]
hi 7021 years later
You melded with him.
[ he's seen enough in the hospital to know their practices. some vulcans that cannot - or sometimes, would not, but that's another story altogether - be saved call for their kin, and there's been an occasion or two where he's been granted the privilege to watch such a sacred ritual. vulcans do not like the thought of watching someone die on their own, but their touch telepathy comes at a cost.
most of them know how to deal with that, he's guessing, but spock - bones doesn't know. hasn't asked because it's none of his business to begin with.
he knows enough from scotty's reports about what happened in the warp core to know that jim died from the other side of the glass, alone. and spock wasn't able to reach him, either. ]
/reaches
Yes.
[He doesn't ask how McCoy knows - there were enough Vulcans dying aboard the ship after they'd fled, chasing Nero. Enough in mind shock, as well. It was not ideal, but then again, Spock doesn't consider those kind of things when something he deems necessary has to be done. The same way he would sooner nerve-pinch Jim than let him go after Khan by himself.]
[Of the warp core, he says and implies nothing.]
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I've stood by a few patients and stayed with them to ease their passing. I'm the last person they see before they die.
[ he would've stood by jim if he couldn't heal him, painful as that is. but bones is no stranger to heartache and loss. he'd love lost himself in that sadness, but he would have risen back to being himself eventually, living for jim's sake, in his memory, as he would've wanted had he not been able to revive him in time.
then again, that is another thing to be in inadvertently thankful for, no matter how much he dislikes the notion.
jim lived because their own choices. ]
It's not easy, especially if you care for them. You carry that burden for the rest of your life.
[ he thinks of his own mother, passing because of her own old age and weakness, leaving him and his father to carve new paths for themselves without her. and he thinks of the red-headed little girl he couldn't save, who wanted to travel up to the stars and have a ship of her own.
he understands, more than you know. ]
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[He listens, pondering the last few bits of his meal. Would McCoy have stood by Jim the same way Spock had? He'd never know, it was far too hypothetical and they were both unpredictable in such cases.]
[He's glad, he decides. That McCoy didn't have to be the one there. It's a curious thought (and that's even more curious, that it's a thought), one he never expected. Logically speaking, McCoy has already seen so many patients, friends and family, slip away on the table. Crew members, and Vulcans too. Should they be adding one more to that list?]
I do not know how you can.
[Admitted quietly. Praise, of a kind, for that inner strength.]
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[ a private joke all on its down. bones knows how stubborn he is, how unyielding, and sometimes it's all for the stupidest reasons. but, not anything that he would consider wrong. bones values what he believes, and that's that. ]
Eventually you learn that you can't save everyone's lives, and you always have choices to make. This or that. Sometimes you choose between one life or another. You accept that there's no right choice to begin with, but saving one life is better than losing 'em both. Doesn't mean that you stop there, though. You have to believe that you can save everyone, even if you know you wouldn't be able to. You fight for everyone's lives because they can't.
[ when all that's said and done, you tell yourself that you've done your best even if you don't believe it. ]
If you can't do that yourself, then you at least look at 'em in the eyes before they die. Makes them realize they're not alone.
[ a beat. ]
That's what I do, anyway.